Peter.You have—and you may go.
Will.Well, I suspect you be got a cloth in the wind, Mr Peter. [Exit William.
Peter.Means I'm drunk! Insolent fellow! I'll give him warning. I daresay my lady will be very angry till she knows the circumstances. Then the sooner I let it out the better (walks about). What care I. I'll be as brave as brass.
Lady Eth.(without). I'll be back directly.
Peter(fanning himself with his hat). O lud! here she comes. (Recovering himself). Who cares! Let her come.
Enter Lady Etheridge.
Lady Eth.You here, sir! I desired you to wait in the servants' hall.
Peter.Yes, my lady, you did—but—but—that is not a fit place for me.
Lady Eth.I am sure this room is not. Well, sir—what do you want?
Peter.Lady Etheridge, I have most important intelligence to communicate.
Lady Eth.Well, sir, let me hear it.
Peter.Lady Etheridge, prepare yourself for most unthought-of news.
Lady Eth.Will you speak out, fool?
Peter(aside). Fool! very maternal indeed. (Aloud.) If I am a fool, Lady Etheridge, why, all the worse for you.
Lady Eth.How, sir?
Peter.Yes, my lady, I think you'll treat me with more respect very soon.
Lady Eth.I shall order the servants to show you the door very soon.
Peter.If you do, my lady, I sha'n't go out of it.
Lady Eth.Insolent fellow, leave the room directly.
Peter.No, can't, upon my honour. (Aside.) How she'llbeg my pardon for all this by-and-bye! It's really very pleasant. (Aloud.) I come, my lady, to communicate most important intelligence, but I want to break it to you carefully, lest you should be too much overcome with joy. Prepare yourself, my lady, for astounding news. You have a son!
Lady Eth.(Aside.) The fellow's mad. (Aloud.) Well, sir, what's that to you?
Peter.A great deal, my lady; you don't know him.
Lady Eth.What does the fool mean?
Peter.No, my lady, you don't know him. Him whom you suppose to be your son—is—not your son.
Lady Eth.(Startled.) Indeed!
Peter.Yes, my lady, but your son is not far off.
Lady Eth.Are you deranged?
Peter.No; quite sensible—hear me out. Dame Bargrove nursed that son.
Lady Eth.Well, sir!
Peter.And, Lady Etheridge, we have proof positive, that the wicked woman changed him.
Lady Eth.(screaming.) Changed him!
Peter.Yes, changed him for her own. Edward Etheridge is Edward Bargrove, and Peter Bargrove Peter Etheridge. My dear, dear mother! (Runs into her arms and kisses her repeatedly, notwithstanding her endeavours to prevent him.)
Lady Eth.(screaming.) Oh! oh!
[Peter leads her to a chair, and she goes into hysterics.
Peter.How very affecting.
Enter Sir Gilbert.
Adm.What's all this! Is Lady Etheridge ill?
Peter.A little overcome with joy, Sir Gilbert. It will be your turn next.
Adm.(Going to Lady Etheridge, who recovers.) What's the matter, my love?
Lady Eth.(spitting). O the wretch—the brute! He has taken liberties!
Adm.Taken liberties, the scoundrel! Pray, sir, what liberties have you taken with Lady Etheridge?
Peter.I only smothered her with kisses.
Adm.What do you mean, sir? Are you mad? Smothering her with kisses!
Peter.(smiling). I certainly did assume that privilege, Sir Gilbert.
Adm.Did you, you rascal? then I'll just assume another. (Thrashes Peter round the room.)
Peter.My father! O my honoured parent! Oh! your own son! Oh, your affectionate——
[Exit Peter, pursued by the Admiral.
Adm.(returning, puffing and blowing). Why, positively, the fellow is stark, staring mad.
Enter Agnes, Captains Etheridge and Mertoun.
Capt. Eth.What is all this disturbance, my dear father?
Adm.What is it, why, I hardly can tell. There has been an impudent scoundrel—that young Bargrove—kissing your mother till she has fainted, and swearing that he is my son. Called me his honoured parent—but I cudgelled the rascal!
Agnes.(leaning on Captain Etheridge's shoulder). O heavens!
Capt. Eth.The fellow himself has just now been trying to elbow me out of my birthright. However, I met his pretensions with the same argument as you did. Who could have put all this nonsense into his addled head so firmly, that two good cudgellings cannot beat it out?
Capt. Mer.Etheridge, your sister is unwell.
Capt. Eth.Don't be alarmed, my dear Agnes.
Agnes.Oh! but indeed I am—I expected this.
Adm.Expected this! Have you, then, heard anything, my love?
Agnes.Yes, I have indeed; just before my brother arrived I was told that my real name was Agnes Bargrove.
Adm.How very extraordinary! Who told you so?
Agnes.A very strange woman; but she appeared to know all about it. It has made me very unhappy ever since.
Adm.This must be inquired into. Where did you meet with her?
Agnes.In the lower wood. But Lucy can tell you more. Speak to her.
Lady Eth.I'm very ill. Lead me to my room.
[Exeunt Sir Gilbert and Lady Etheridge.
Cap. Eth.And I must away to unravel this deep-laid plot. Mertoun, I must leave you to take care of Agnes.
[Exit Capt. Etheridge.
Capt. Mer.A pleasing change, if I am not unwelcome. May I be permitted, Miss Etheridge, from a very great interest which I must ever take in the prosperity of your family—may I ask if you imagine there is any truth in this report?
Agnes.It is impossible for me to answer, Captain Mertoun. Why should such a report be raised without some foundation. True or not, I have ever since felt in a situation so awkward, that I fear my conduct may have appeared strange to others.
Capt. Mer.I must confess that your evident restraint towards me, so different from what perhaps my vanity induced me to hope, has been to me a source of wonder as well as regret. May I flatter myself that this rumour has been the occasion of an apparent caprice, which I never could have imagined that Miss Etheridge would have indulged in?
Agnes.You must be aware, Captain Mertoun, that I could not receive you as Agnes Etheridge until those doubts upon my parentage were removed. It would not have been honest.
Capt. Mer.And was this the only cause for your change of behaviour towards me, Agnes?
Agnes.Why—yes,—I believe so.
Capt. Mer.Now, then, let me declare that, whether you prove to be Agnes Etheridge, or Agnes Bargrove, thosesentiments which I have felt towards you, and which have not hitherto been revealed excepting to your brother, must ever remain the same. For your own sake, and for the sake of Sir Gilbert and Lady Etheridge, who would deeply regret the loss of such a daughter, I trust that the report is without foundation. For my own part, I rather rejoice at this opportunity of proving the sincerity of my attachment. Let me but find favour in the sight of Agnes, and the surname will be immaterial.
Agnes.Immaterial, Captain Mertoun!
Capt. Mer.Yes, quite so; for I shall persuade you to change it as soon as possible, for my own. (Kneels.) Tell me, dearest Agnes——
Agnes.Tell you what?
Capt. Mer.Something that will make me happy.
Agnes.(smiling). Shall I tell you what the gipsy woman said when she told me my fortune?
Capt. Mer.Nay, do not trifle with me.
Agnes.(archly). I asked whether I should marry the person that I loved.
Capt. Mer.A very natural question.
Agnes.She replied, "Yes, if he is more generous than the generality of his sex." (Gives her hand.) Captain Mertoun, you have proved yourself so to be, and, since you offer to take Agnes, truly speaking, for "better or for worse," I will not keep you in suspense by disguising my real sentiments.
Capt. Mer.Dearest Agnes, you have indeed made me happy. (Embraces her.) I accompanied your brother, with the sole view of pleading my own cause. Imagine then my misery at your cruel reception.
Agnes.That you may not think me interested by my accepting your generous offer during this state of uncertainty, I will own how often I have thought of you, and how eagerly I looked for your arrival. Let us go now, Mertoun, and see whether Lady Etheridge is recovered.
[Exeunt arm in arm.
The wood. Enter Nelly.
Nelly.I have tried in vain to dissuade them to abandon their projects. They are preparing their instruments and their weapons. They have determined to attempt the Hall to-night. I have written this letter to Sir Gilbert, and, if I can find any one to convey it, the scoundrels will be taken and punished. If I cannot, I must contrive some means to escape to the Hall; but they suspect me, and watch me so narrowly, that it is almost impossible. What shall I do? There is somebody coming; it is that fool, Peter Bargrove. Then all is right. I will make use of him.
Enter Peter.
Your servant, fortunate sir!
Peter.Fortunate! why now ar'n't you an infamous hussy? Hav'n't you taken my purse and my money, for your intelligence that I was changed in my cradle,—and what has been the consequence?
Nelly.That everybody has been astonished.
Peter.I have been astonished, at all events. I have had so many cudgellings that I must count them with my fingers. First, a huge one from old Bargrove; secondly, a smart one from Captain Etheridge; and thirdly, a severe one from Sir Gilbert. What is the value of your good news if no one will believe it?
Nelly.Very true—but how could you expect they would?
Peter.Then what's the good of knowing it?
Nelly.You must know a fact before you attempt to prove it. You only bought the knowledge of me, you never paid for the proof.
Peter.No; but I've paid for the knowledge. (Rubbing his shoulders.) But didn't you say that Mrs Bargrove would confess?
Nelly.I thought it likely—but, if she won't, we must make her.
Peter.How?
Nelly.Bring evidence against her that will convict her, so that she will find it useless denying it.
Peter.But where is it?
Nelly.Here (holding out the letter).
Peter.Give it me.
Nelly.Stop, stop; you've not paid for it.
Peter.Upon my honour, I've not got a farthing in the world. I durst not ask either father or mother after the bobbery we've had. Indeed, I hardly know whether I dare go home and get my victuals, Won't you trust me?
Nelly.When will you pay me?
Peter.When I come to my title and estate.
Nelly.Well then, as I think you are a gentleman, I will trust you. Now observe, this letter is addressed to Sir Gilbert. It contains a statement of facts that will astonish and convince him. You must not trust it into other hands, but deliver it yourself.
Peter.He'll cudgel me.
Nelly.No, he will not. But, even if he did, would you mind a few blows for the certainty of being one day Sir Peter Etheridge?
Peter.No, hang me if I do. They might all cudgel me together, if they could cudgel me into the only son of a baronet of ten thousand a year.
Nelly.Well, then, as soon as you can, go boldly up to the Hall, and say to Sir Gilbert, "Sir Gilbert, in justice to yourself, read this letter, and do not despise the caution, as it is all true." You will then see the effect of it.
Peter.See—not feel. You are certain he won't be angry. Well, then, I will—in this case I'm in a great hurry as anybody. I can promise. So good-bye. [Exit.
Nelly.Now I think all is safe; but I must quit the gang or my life will be in danger.
Enter Old Bargrove, with Constable.
Oh, that I could recall the last twenty years! How wicked, how infamous have I become.
[Covers her face with her hands. Old Bargrove advances and taps her on the shoulder. Nelly starts.
Mercy on me!
Old Bar.You must not expect much. I believe you tell fortunes, my good woman!
Nelly.(curtseying.) Yes, sir, sometimes.
Old Bar.And steal geese and turkeys?
Nelly.No, sir, indeed.
Old Bar.Well, you help to eat them afterwards, and the receiver is just as bad as the thief. You must come along with me.
Nelly.Along with you, sir!
Old Bar.Do you see this little bit of paper? But, now I look at you, haven't we met before?
Nelly.Met before, sir!
Old Bar.Yes—hold your head up a little, either my eyes deceive me, or you—yes, I'll swear to it—you are Nelly Armstrong. Not quite so good-looking as you were when we parted. Now I understand all. Come, take her along to the Hall at once.
Nelly.Indeed, sir——
Old Bar.Not a word. Away with her, slanderous, lying, mischievous—— [Exeunt omnes.
A Drawing-Room in the Hall.
Enter Sir Gilbert and Captain Etheridge.
Adm.I love Lucy as my own daughter, and it often occurred to me how delighted I should be to receive her as such. But your mother's dislike to her is most unaccountable.
Capt. Eth.There is the difficulty which I am most anxiousto surmount. I am afraid that, without my mother's concurrence, Lucy will never consent to enter into the family. She has pride as well as Lady Etheridge.
Adm.Yes, but of a very different quality; a proper pride, Edward; a respect for herself, added to a little feeling, to which she adheres in the decayed state of her family, which once was superior to ours.
Capt. Eth.If my mother could but once be induced to suppose that this rumour is correct, we might obtain her unwilling consent.
Adm.The report I believe to be wholly without foundation, and so I would, even if it were given against us in a court of justice.
Capt. Eth.My opinion coincides with yours. But my happiness is at stake, and I, therefore, shall not pause at a trifling deception, which may be productive of so much good. Will you assist me?
Adm.Why, Edward, can't you manage without me?
Capt. Eth.Not very well. Let me entreat you. I hear my mother coming.
Adm.Well, well—she is always asserting I deceive her when I don't—for once, I'll not be accused without a cause.
Enter Lady Etheridge; they pretend not to see her.
Capt. Eth.(Aside.) Now, sir. (Aloud.) The proofs are, indeed, too strong, my dear sir, to hope for any other issue, and I regret that we have all been so long and so cruelly deceived.
Adm.Well, Edward, I can only say, if you are not really my son, you will always be considered as such; for, whether your name be Etheridge or Bargrove, you must still look upon me as your father.
Capt. Eth.I thank you, sir; but there are circumstances over which you have no control. The title and estate must descend to the lawful heir; and that silly fellow, Peter, will in future claim the affections of yourself, and ofmy dear Lady Etheridge. It is on her account, more than my own, that I feel so much distressed.
Lady Eth.(coming forward). What is this that I hear? Is there then any foundation for that vile report? that hideous tale that turned the brain of that silly wretch? (The Admiral shakes his head in mournful silence.) Edward, will you not answer me?
Capt. Eth.I'm afraid that my answer will be most unsatisfactory. Madam, I had my doubts: indeed, I spurned the idea, until I called upon Lucy Etheridge—I believe I must call her now—and the proofs which she can bring forward.
Lady Eth.The hussy!
Capt. Eth.Nay, my lady, I must do justice to her. She is more inclined to conceal the facts than to disclose them. Her regard for my father, her profound respect for you, and a certain feeling of good-will towards me——
Lady Eth.Well, I am glad to see a little good sense in the girl; indeed, if the Admiral had not spoilt her——
Adm.Lady Etheridge, I have always felt towards that girl as my own daughter. It's very odd. Do you think, Edward, that this matter could not be hushed up?
Capt. Eth.I know but of one way, sir, which is, to sacrifice myself for the welfare of the family. I will do it—I may say, almost willingly.
Adm.How is that, Edward?
Capt. Eth.By a marriage with Lucy.
Lady Eth.Never!
Capt. Eth.Who will then, for her own sake, keep the proofs in her possession.
Lady. Eth.Never! never! I cannot consent to it.
Capt. Eth.May I ask, my dear Lady Etheridge, if you refuse me as your son, or is Lucy refused to me as your daughter?
Lady Eth.Oh!
Capt. Eth.And again, my dear madam, when you reflect, on the establishment of these facts by undoubted proofs,that booby, Peter, will have a right to claim your maternal kindness.
Lady Eth.Odious wretch!
Capt. Eth.To occupy that place in your affections which, hitherto, I have so proudly held, and must surrender with such deep regret.
Lady Eth.I would consent to—submit to anything, rather than that monster should dare to call me mother.
Capt. Eth.Yet so he will, madam, without you consent to the proposed arrangement. Lucy has always treated you with respect, and expressed the warmest gratitude for your protection; but, as for Peter, he will be more bearish and insolent than ever, again smother you with his nauseous kisses, and claim them as an offspring's right.
Lady Eth.I really feel quite ill again at the very idea. Save me from that, and I'll consent to anything.
Capt. Eth.Well, then, madam, have I your permission?
Enter William.
Will.Please, Sir Gilbert, here be Mr Bargrove, and Madam Bargrove and Miss Lucy, and the constables, and the malefactors, coming up to prove the whole truth of the consarn, to your's and my lady's satisfaction.
Lady Eth.I'll not see them. I must leave you.
Capt. Eth.Nay, madam, stay but one moment, and acquaint Lucy that you give your consent. She may not believe me.
Enter Old Bargrove, Lucy, Constables, and Nelly.
Old Bar.Your servant, my lady; your servant, Sir Gilbert. I've got the whole story out at last. I have brought up Lucy, who will prove the facts. My son Peter, I have sent after, and I took the liberty to tell the servant that Miss Agnes would be necessary.
Capt Eth.(leading up Lucy to Lady Etheridge). Lady Etheridge, will you honour us so far as to give your consent? (Lady Etheridge hesitates.) My dear madam, recollect the circumstances.
Enter Peter.
Adm.Come, Lady Etheridge, they have mine, and your's must not be refused.
Peter.Sir Gilbert, I am your's (seeing Nelly). Oh, you're here—then all's right, and so I don't care. (Advancing towards Lady Etheridge.) Lady Etheridge, my dear mamma, with your permission——
Lady Eth.(hastily joining the hands of Captain Etheridge and Lucy). Yes, Lucy, I consent. [Exit hastily.
Capt. Eth.Thank you, Peter, you never did me so good a turn in your life.
Peter.Sir Gilbert, in justice to yourself, read this, and do not despise the caution, for it is all true. (Gives the letter.)
Adm.How do you know? (Reads.) "Your house will be robbed this night—the parties are well armed and resolute. Take immediate precautions, and despise not this warning from one who has a sincere regard for you, and for your family."
Capt. Eth.A friendly caution, sir. It must be attended to. The favour is intended us by the gang of gipsies in the wood. Perhaps this woman may know something about it.
Old Bar.Like enough, for we have an old acquaintance here, who knows every part of the Hall. This is Nelly Armstrong, who nursed Lucy.
Mrs Bar.I'll swear to her, and it is she who has been the occasion of all this mischief.
Enter Agnes and Capt. Mertoun.
Agnes.My dear Lucy! I did not know that you were here. (Turning to Nelly.)
Nelly.Yes, Miss Agnes, the gipsy woman that told you your fortune, and, as Mrs Bargrove states, nursed you, Miss Lucy, at her breast. Sir Gilbert, I will save you trouble by confessing, that all I told these young people was from a feeling of revenge towards Lady Etheridge, who spurned me from her door. My long residence in thefamily enabled me to give a show of truth to what has occasioned so much uneasiness.
Peter.What! ar'n't it all true, then?
Nelly.Not one word, Mr Peter.
Old Bar.Then we must have you to Bridewell.
Nelly.I trust, Sir Gilbert, you will be merciful, for I have proved my strong regard to your family.
Adm.What, by making us all miserable?
Nelly.Sir Gilbert, by that letter in your hand, that I wrote, little expecting that I should ever appear before you.
Peter.O, the letter is true, then!
Adm.(holding up his cane). Silence, sir!
Old Bar.(holding up his stick). Yes, silence, sir!
Nelly.I know, Sir Gilbert, that you have too kind a heart to injure any one; and, if repentance for my folly and wickedness can—if you, Miss Lucy, will plead for me—and my letter, Sir Gilbert, ought to plead for me too—all I beg is, that you will place me in a situation to keep my good resolutions.
Capt. Eth.Lucy will plead for her, sir, and so do I, for to her I owe my present happiness.
Adm.Well, well, woman, it shall be your own fault if you do wrong again.
Nelly(curtseying.) Then let me beg pardon of all those to whom I have occasioned uneasiness.
Adm.Well, it's all settled now, except the affair of the letter, which we must attend to, Bargrove.
Capt. Mer.Not quite all, sir; here are two who wish for your sanction.
Adm.Hah! Is it so, Agnes? In this instance I may safely join your hands for your mother, for this morning she expressed a wish that it might be so. At the same time, Mr and Mrs Bargrove, I must request your sanction for the choice that my son has made. He has already secured mine and that of Lady Etheridge.
Mrs Bar.(wiping her eyes.) This is indeed a joyous end to all my vexations.
Nelly(with emotion.) May heaven bless your union, my dear Miss Lucy!
Old Bar.God bless you both! Now, with your permission, Sir Gilbert, I will resign my office of steward. For many years I have filled it through gratitude, and not from any wish of emolument. I have enough to portion my daughter, and even to make that foolish boy a gentleman, according to his notions of gentility.
Peter.Have you, my dear father? Then I am glad that I was not changed. But I say, Etheridge, I'm your brother-in-law. Indeed you've a strong hand, brother Edward.
Capt. Eth.There, Peter, take it in friendship. (Shake hands.)
Adm.And mine.
Capt. Mer.Peter, mine.
Old Bar.Well, I suppose, Peter, I must do the same, and forget and forgive.
Mrs Bar.And me, Peter. (Peter jumps up, clasps her round the neck, and gives her a hearty kiss.) The boy's heart is right after all.
Adm.Thus, then, do all our vexations end in happiness, and may we be allowed to indulge the hope that the same may prove the case with all the parties (bowing to the audience) who have honoured us with their presence.
[Curtain falls.
Mr Cadaverous,An old miser, very rich and very ill.Edward,A young lawyer without a brief.Mr Haustus Gumarabic,Apothecary.Seedy,Solicitor.Thomas Montagu, }}Nephews to Mr Cadaverous.John Montagu, }James Sterling, }}Nephews twice removed to Mr Cadaverous.William Sterling,}Clementina Montagu,Niece to Mr Cadaverous.Mrs Jellybags,Housekeeper and nurse.
Scene.—A sick room.—Mr Cadaverous in an easy chair asleep, supported by cushions, wrapped up in his dressing-gown, a nightcap on his head.—A small table with phials, gallipots, &c.—Mrs Jellybags seated on a chair close to the table.
Mrs Jellybags(looks at Mr Cadaverous, and then comes forward). He sleeps yet—the odious old miser! Mercy on me, how I do hate him,—almost as much as he loves his money! Well, there's one comfort, he cannot take his money-bags with him, and the doctor says that he cannot last much longer. Ten years have I been his slave—ten years have I been engaged to be married to Sergeant-Major O'Callaghan of the Blues—ten years has he kept me waiting at the porch of Hymen,—and what thousands of couples have I seen enter during the time! Oh dear! it's enough to drive a widow mad. I think I have managed it;—he has now quarrelled with all his relations, and Doctor Gumarabic intends this day to suggest the propriety of his making his last will and testament. [Mr Cadaverous, still asleep, coughs.] He is waking. (Looks at him.) No, he is not. Well, then, I shall wake him, and give him a draught, for, after such a comfortable sleep as he is now in, he might last a whole week longer. (Goes up to Mr Cadaverous, and shakes him).
Mr Cad.(starting up.) Ugh! ugh! ugh! (coughs violently.) Oh! Mrs Jellybags, I'm so ill. Ugh! ugh!
Jel.My dear, dear sir! now don't say so. I was in hopes, after such a nice long sleep you would have found yourself so much better.
Cad.Long sleep! oh dear!—I'm sure I've not slept ten minutes.
Jel.(Aside.) I know that. (Aloud.) Indeed, my dear sir, you are mistaken. Time passes very quick when we are fast asleep. I have been watching you and keeping the flies off. But you must now take your draught, my dear sir, and your pill first.
Cad.What! more pills and more draughts! Why, there's no end to them.
Jel.Yes, there will be, by-and-bye, my dear sir. You know Doctor Gumarabic has ordered you to take one pill and one draught every half-hour.
Cad.And so I have—never missed one for the last six weeks—woke up for them day and night. I feel very weak—very weak, indeed! Don't you think I might eat something, my dear Mrs Jellybags?
Jel.Eat, my dear Mr Cadaverous!—how can you ask me, when you know that Doctor Gumarabic says that it would be the death of you?
Cad.Only the wing of a chicken,—or a bit of the breast——
Jel.Impossible!
Cad.A bit of dry toast, then; anything, my dear Mrs Jellybags. I've such a gnawing. Ugh! ugh!
Jel.My dear sir, you would die if you swallowed the least thing that's nourishing.
Cad.I'm sure I shall die if I do not. Well, then, a little soup—I should like that very much indeed.
Jel.Soup! it would be poison, my dear sir! No, no. You must take your pill and your draught.
Cad.Oh dear! oh dear!—Forty-eight pills and forty-eight draughts every twenty-four hours!—not a wink of sleep day or night.
Jel.(soothingly.) But it's to make you well, you know, my dear Mr Cadaverous. Come, now. (Hands him a pill and some water in a tumbler.)
Cad.The last one is hardly down yet;—I feel it sticking half-way. Ugh! ugh!
Jel.Then wash them both down at once. Come, now, 'tis to make you well, you know.
[Cadaverous takes the pill with a wry face, and coughs it up again.
Cad.Ugh! ugh! There—it's up again. Oh dear! oh dear!
Jel.You must take it, my dear sir. Come, now, try again.
Cad.(coughing.) My cough is so bad. (Takes the pill.) Oh, my poor head! Now I'll lie down again.
Jel.Not yet, my dear Mr Cadaverous. You must take your draught;—it's to make you well, you know.
Cad.What! another draught? I'm sure I must have twenty draughts in my inside, besides two boxes of pills!
Jel.Come, now—it will be down in a minute.
[Cadaverous takes the wine-glass in his hand, and looks at it with abhorrence.
Jel.Come, now.
[Cadaverous swallows the draught, and feels very sick, puts his handkerchief to his mouth, and, after a time, sinks back in the chair quite exhausted, and shuts his eyes.
Jel.(Aside.) I wish the doctor would come. It's high time that he made his will.
Cad.(drawing up his leg.) Oh! oh! oh!
Jel.What's the matter, my dear Mr Cadaverous?
Cad.Oh! such pain!—oh! rub it, Mrs Jellybags.
Jel.What, here, my dear sir? (Rubs his knee.)
Cad.No, no!—not there!—Oh, my hip!
Jel.What, here? (Rubs his hip.)
Cad.No, no!—higher—higher! Oh, my side!
Jel.What, here? (Rubs his side.)
Cad.No!—lower!
Jel.Here? (Rubbing.)
Cad.No!—higher!—Oh, my chest!—my stomach! Oh dear!—oh dear!
Jel.Are you better now, my dear sir?
Cad.Oh dear! oh! I do believe that I shall die! I've been a very wicked man, I'm afraid.
Jel.Don't say so, Mr Cadaverous. Every one but your nephews and nieces say that you are the best man in the world.
Cad.Do they? I was afraid that I had not been quite so good as they think I am.
Jel.I'd like to hear any one say to the contrary. I'd tear their eyes out,—that I would.
Cad.You are a good woman, Mrs Jellybags; and I shall not forget you in my will.
Jel.Don't mention wills, my dear sir. You make me so miserable. (Puts her handkerchief to her eyes.)
Cad.Don't cry, Mrs Jellybags. I wo'n't talk any more about it. (Sinks back exhausted.)
Jel.(wiping her eyes.) Here comes Doctor Gumarabic.
Enter Gumarabic.
Gum.Good morning, Mistress Jellybags. Well, how's our patient?—better?—heh? [Mrs Jellybags shakes her head.
Gum.No: well, that's odd. (Goes up to Mr Cadaverous.) Not better, my dear sir?—don't you feel stronger?
Cad.(faintly). Oh, no!
Gum.Not stronger! Let us feel the pulse. [Mrs Jellybags hands a chair, and Gumarabic sits down, pulls out his watch, and counts.] Intermittent—135—well, now—that's very odd! Mrs Jellybags, have you adhered punctually to my prescriptions?
Jel.Oh yes, sir, exactly.
Gum.He has eaten nothing?
Cad.Nothing at all.
Gum.And don't feel stronger? Odd—very odd! Pray, has he had anything in the way of drink? Come, Mrs Jellybags, no disguise,—tell the truth;—no soup—warm jelly—heh?
Jel.No, sir; upon my word, he has had nothing.
Gum.Humph!—and yet feels no stronger? Well, that's odd!—Has he taken the pill every half-hour?
Jel.Yes, sir, regularly.
Gum.And feels no better! Are you sure that he has had his draught with his pill?
Jel.Every time, sir.
Gum.And feels no better! Well, that's odd!—very odd, indeed! (Rises and comes forward with Mrs Jellybags.) We must throw in some more draughts, Mrs Jellybags; there is no time to be lost.
Jel.I'm afraid he's much worse, sir.
Gum.I am not at all afraid of it, Mrs Jellybags,—I am sure of it;—it's very odd,—but the fact is, that all the physic in the world won't save him; but still he must take it,—because—physic was made to be taken.
Jel.Very true, sir. (Whispers to Gumarabic.)
Gum.Ah! yes;—very proper. (Going to Mr Cadaverous.) My dear sir, I have done my best; nevertheless, you are ill,—very ill,—which is odd,—very odd! It is not pleasant,—I may say, very unpleasant,—but if you have any little worldly affairs to settle,—will to make,—or a codicil to add, in favour of your good nurse, your doctor, or so on,—it might be as well to send for your lawyer;—there is no saying, but, during my practice, I have sometimes found that people die. After all the physic you have taken, it certainly is odd—very odd—very odd, indeed;—but you might die to-morrow.
Cad.Oh dear!—I'm very ill.
Jel.(sobbing.) Oh dear! oh dear!—he's very ill.
Gum.(comes forward, shrugging up his shoulders.) Yes; he is ill—very ill;—to-morrow, dead as mutton! At all events he has not died for WANT of physic. We must throw in some more draughts immediately;—no time to be lost. Life is short,—but my bill will be long—very long! [Exit as scene closes.
Enter Clementina, with a letter in her hand.
Clem.I have just received a letter from my dear Edward:he knows of my uncle's danger, and is anxious to see me. I expect him immediately. I hope he will not be seen by Mrs Jellybags as he comes in, for she would try to make more mischief than she has already. Dear Edward! how he loves me! (Kisses the letter.)
Enter Edward.
Edw.My lovely, my beautiful, my adored Clementina! I have called upon Mr Gumarabic, who tells me that your uncle cannot live through the twenty-four hours, and I have flown here, my sweetest, dearest, to—to——
Clem.To see me, Edward: surely there needs no excuse for coming?
Edw.To reiterate my ardent, pure, and unchangeable affection, my dearest Clementina; to assure you, that in sickness or in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, as they say in the marriage ceremony, I am yours till death us do part.
Clem.I accept the vow, dearest Edward. You know too well my heart for me to say more.
Edw.I do know your heart, Clementina, as it is,—nor do I think it possible that you could change;—still, sometimes—that is for a moment when I call to mind that, by your uncle's death, as his favourite niece, living with him for so many years, you may soon find yourself in the possession of thousands,—and that titled men may lay their coronets at your feet,—then, Clementina——
Clem.Ungenerous and unkind!—Edward, I almost hate you. Is a little money, then, to sway my affections? Shame, Edward, shame on you! Is such your opinion of my constancy? (Weeps.) You must judge me by your own heart.
Edw.Clementina! dearest Clementina!—I did!—but rather—that is,—I was not in earnest;—but when we value any object as I value you,—it may be forgiven, if I feel at times a little jealous;—yes, dearest, jealous!
Clem.'Twas jealousy then, Edward, which made you so unkind? Well, then, I can forgivethat.
Edw.Nothing but jealousy, dearest! I cannot help, at times, representing you surrounded by noble admirers,—all of them suing to you,—not for yourself, but for your money,—tempting you with their rank;—and it makes me jealous, horribly jealous! I cannot compete with lords, Clementina,—a poor barrister without a brief.
Clem.I have loved you for yourself, Edward. I trust you have done the same toward me.
Edw.Yes; upon my soul, my Clementina!
Clem.Then my uncle's disposition of his property will make no difference in me. For your sake, my dear Edward, I hope he will not forget me. What's that? Mrs Jellybags is coming out of the room. Haste, Edward;—you must not be seen here. Away, dearest!—and may God bless you.
Edw. (kisses her hand.) Heaven preserve my adored, my matchless, ever-to-be-loved Clementina. [Exeunt separately.
The sick-room—Mr Cadaverous, lying on a sofa-bed—Mr Seedy, the lawyer, sitting by his side, with papers on the table before him.
Seedy.I believe now, sir, that everything is arranged in your will according to your instructions. Shall I read it over again; for although signed and witnessed, you may make any alteration you please by a codicil.
Cad.No, no. You have read it twice, Mr Seedy, and you may leave me now. I am ill, very ill, and wish to be alone.
Seedy(folds up his papers and rises.) I take my leave, Mr Cadaverous, trusting to be long employed as your solicitor.
Cad.Afraid not, Mr Seedy. Lawyers have no great interest in heaven. Your being my solicitor will not help me there.
Seedy(coming forward as he goes out.) Not a sixpenceto his legal adviser! Well, well! I know how to make out a bill for the executors. [Exit Seedy, and enter Mrs Jellybags.
Jel.(with her handkerchief to her eyes.) Oh dear! oh dear! oh, Mr Cadaverous, how can you fatigue and annoy yourself with such things as wills?
Cad.(faintly.) Don't cry, Mrs Jellybags. I've not forgotten you.
Jel.(sobbing.) I can't—help—crying. And there's Miss Clementina,—now that you are dying,—who insists upon coming in to see you.
Cad.Clementina, my niece, let her come in, Mrs Jellybags; I feel I'm going fast,—I may as well take leave of everybody.
Jel.(sobbing.) Oh dear! oh dear! You may come in, Miss.
Enter Clementina.
Clem.My dear uncle, why have you, for so many days, refused me admittance? Every morning have I asked to be allowed to come and nurse you, and for more than three weeks have received a positive refusal.
Cad.Refusal! Why I never had a message from you.
Clem.No message! Every day I have sent, and every day did Mrs Jellybags reply that you would not see me.
Cad.(faintly.) Mrs Jellybags,—Mrs Jellybags——
Clem.Yes, uncle; it is true as I stand here;—and my brother Thomas has called almost every day, and John every Sunday, the only day he can leave the banking house; and cousins William and James have both been here very often.
Cad.Nobody told me! I thought everyone had forgotten me. Why was I not informed, Mrs Jellybags?
Jel.(in a rage.) Why, you little story-telling creature, coming here to impose upon your good uncle! You know that no one has been here—not a soul;—and as for yourself, you have been too busy looking after a certain gentleman ever to think of your poor uncle;—that you have;—taking advantage of his illness to behave in so indecorous a manner. I would have told him everything, but I was afraid of making him worse.
Clem.You are a false, wicked woman!
Jel.Little impudent creature,—trying to make mischief between me and my kind master, but it won't do. (To Clementina aside.) The will is signed, and I'll take care he does not alter it;—so do your worst.
Cad.(faintly.) Give me the mixture, Mrs——
Clem.I will, dear uncle. (Pours out the restorative mixture in a glass.)
Jel.(going back.) You will, Miss!—indeed! but you shan't.
Clem.Be quiet, Mrs Jellybags;—allow me at least to do something for my poor uncle.
Cad.Give me the mix——
Jel.(prevents Clementina from giving it, and tries to take it from her.) You shan't, Miss!—You never shall.
Cad.Give me the——
[Mrs Jellybags and Clementina scuffle, at last Clementina throws the contents of the glass into Mrs Jellybags's face.
Clem.There, then!—since you will have it.
Jel.(in a rage.) You little minx!—I'll be revenged for that. Wait a little till the will is read,—that's all!—See if I don't bundle you out of doors,—that I will.
Clem.As you please, Mrs Jellybags; but pray, give my poor uncle his restorative mixture.
Jel.To please you?—Not I! I'll not give him a drop till I think proper. Little, infamous, good-for-nothing——
Cad.Give me——oh!
Jel.Saucy—man-seeking——
Clem.Oh! as for that, Mrs Jellybags, the big sergeant was here last night—I know that. Talk of men, indeed!
Jel.Very well, Miss!—very well! Stop till the breath is out of your uncle's body—and I'll beat you till yours is also.
Cad.Give——oh!
Clem.My poor uncle! He will have no help till I leave the room—I must go. Infamous Woman! [Exit.
Cad.Oh!
Jel.I'm in such a rage!—I could tear her to pieces!—the little!—the gnat! Oh, I'll be revenged! Stop till the will is read, and then I'll turn her out into the streets to starve. Yes! yes! the will!—the will! (Pauses and pants for breath.) Now, I recollect the old fellow called for his mixture. I must go and get some more. I'll teach her to throw physic in my face.
[Goes out and returns with a phial—pours out a portion and goes up to Mr Cadaverous.
Jel.Here, my dear Mr Cadaverous. Mercy on me!—Mr Cadaverous!—why, he's fainted!—Mr Cadaverous! (Screams) Lord help us!—why he's dead! Well now, this sort of thing does give one a shock, even when one has longed for it. Yes, he's quite dead! (Coming forward.) So, there's an end of all his troubles—and, thank Heaven! of mine also. Now for Sergeant-Major O'Callaghan, and—love! Now for Miss Clementina, and—revenge! But first the will!—the will! [Curtain drops.
Mrs Jellybags.
Oh dear!—this is a very long morning. I feel such suspense—such anxiety; and poor Sergeant-Major O'Callaghan is quite in a perspiration! He is drinking and smoking down in the kitchen to pass away the time, and if the lawyer don't come soon, the dear man will be quite fuddled. He talks of buying a farm in the country. Well, we shall see; but if the Sergeant thinks that he will make ducks and drakes of my money, he is mistaken. I have not been three times a widow for nothing—I will have it all settled upon myself; that must and shall be, or else—no Sergeant O'Callaghan for me!
Enter Clementina.
So, here you are, Miss. Well, we'll wait till the will is read, and then we shall see who is mistress here.
Clem.I am as anxious as you, Mrs Jellybags. You may have wheedled my poor uncle to make the will in your favour; if so, depend upon it, I shall expect nothing from your hands.
Jel.I should rather think not, Miss. If I recollect right, you threw the carminative mixture in my face.
Clem.And made you blush for the first time in your life.
Jel.I shall not blush to slam the door in your face.
Clem.Rather than be indebted to you, I would beg my bread from door to door.
Jel.I expect that you very soon will.
Enter Edward.
Edw.My dearest Clementina, I have come to support you on this trying occasion.
Jel.And ascertain how matters stand, before you decide upon marrying, I presume, Mr Edward.
Edw.Madam, I am above all pecuniary considerations.
Jel.So everybody says, when they think themselves sure of money.
Edw.You judge of others by yourself.
Jel.Perhaps I do—I certainly do expect to be rewarded for my long and faithful services.
Clem.Do not waste words upon her, my dear. You have my solemn promise, nothing shall change my feelings towards you.
Jel.That may be; but did it never occur to you, Miss, that the gentleman's feelings might alter?
Edw.Detestable wretch!
[Hands Clementina to a chair on the right, and sits by her.
Enter Nephews John, Thomas, William, and James, all with white pocket-handkerchiefs in their hand—they take their seats two right and two left.
Jel.(Aside.) Here they all come, like crows that smell carrion. How odious is the selfishness of this world! But here is Mr Gumarabic. How do you do, sir? (Curtsies with a grave air.)
Gum.Very well, I thank you, Mrs Jellybags. Can't say the same of all my patients. Just happened to pass by—thought I would step in and hear the will read—odd, that I should pop in at the time—very odd. Pray, may I ask, my dear Mrs Jellybags, were you present at the making of the will?
Jel.No, my dear sir; my nerves would not permit me.
Gum.Nerves!—odd, very odd! Then you don't know how things are settled?
Jel.No more than the man in the moon, my dear sir.
Gum.Man in the moon!—odd comparison that from a woman!—very odd! Hope my chance won't prove all moonshine.
Jel.I should think not, my dear sir; but here comes Mr Seedy, and we shall soon know all about it.
Enter Mr Seedy—Mrs Jellybags, all courtesy, waves her hand to a chair in the centre, with a table before it. Mr Seedy sits down, pulls the will out of his pocket, lays it on the table, takes out his snuff-box, takes a pinch, then his handkerchief, blows his nose, snuffs the candles, takes his spectacles from his waistcoat pocket, puts them on, breaks the seals, and bows to the company; Mrs Jellybags has taken her seat on the left next to him, and Doctor Gumarabic by her side. Mrs Jellybags sobs very loud, with her handkerchief to her face.
Seedy.Silence, if you please.
Mrs Jellybags stops sobbing immediately.
Edw.(putting his arm round Clementina's waist.) My dearest Clementina!
Mr Seedy hems twice, and then reads.
"The Last Will and Testament of Christopher Cadaverous, Gentleman, of Copse Horton, in the county of Cumberland.
"I, Christopher Cadaverous, being at this time in sound mind, do hereby make my last will and testament.
"First, I pray that I may be forgiven all my manifold sins and wickedness, and I do beg forgiveness of all those whom I may have injured unintentionally or otherwise; and at the same time do pardon all those who may have done me wrong, even to John Jones, the turnpike man, who unjustly made me pay the threepenny toll twice over on Easter last, when I went up to receive my dividends.
"My property, personal and real, I devise to my two friends Solomon Lazarus, residing at No. 3 Lower Thames-street, and Hezekiah Flint, residing at No. 16 Lothbury, to have and to hold for the following uses and purposes:—
"First, to my dearly-beloved niece, Clementina Montagu, I leave the sum of one hundred and fifty pounds, 3-1/2 per cent, consols, for her sole use and benefit, to be made over to her, both principal and interest, on the day of her marriage.
[Edwards withdraws his arm from Clementina's waist—turns half round from her, and falls back in his chair with a pish!
"To my nephew, Thomas Montagu, I leave the sum of nineteen pounds nineteen shillings and sixpence—having deducted the other sixpence to avoid the legacy duty.
[Thomas turns from the lawyer with his face to the front of the stage, crossing his legs.
"To my nephew, John Montagu, I leave also the sum of nineteen pounds nineteen shillings and sixpence.
[John turns away in the same manner.
"To my nephew, once removed, James Stirling, I leave the sum of five pounds to purchase a suit of mourning.
[James turns away as the others.
"To my nephew, once removed, William Stirling, Ialso leave the sum of five pounds to purchase a suit of mourning. [William turns away as the others.
"To my kind and affectionate housekeeper, Mrs Martha Jellybags——"
[Mrs Jellybags sobs loudly, and cries "Oh dear! Oh dear!"
Mr Seedy.Silence, if your please. [Reads.
"In return for all her attention to me during my illness, and her ten years' service, I leave the whole of my——
[Mr Seedy having come to the bottom of the page lays down the will, takes out his snuff-box, takes a pinch, blows his nose, snuffs the candles, and proceeds.
—"I leave the whole of my wardrobe, for her entire use and disposal; and also my silver watch with my key and seal hanging to it.
"And having thus provided for——"
[Mrs Jellybags, who has been listening attentively, interrupts Mr Seedy in great agitation.
Jel.Will you be pleased to read that part over again?
Seedy.Certainly, ma'am. "I leave the whole of my wardrobe, and also my silver watch, with the key and seal hanging to it.
[Mrs Jellybags screams, and falls back in a swoon on her chair—no one assists her.
"And having thus provided for all my relations, I do hereby devise the rest of my property to the said Solomon Lazarus and Hezekiah Flint, to have and to hold for the building and endowment of an hospital for diseases of the heart, lights, liver, and spleen, as set off by the provisions in the schedule annexed to my will as part and codicil to it."
Seedy.Would the relations like me to read the provisions?
Omnes.No! no! no!
(Mr Seedy is about to fold up the papers.)
Gum.I beg your pardon, sir, but is there no other codicil?
Seedy.I beg your pardon, Mr Gumarabic, I recollect now there is one relative to you.
Gum.(nods his head.) I thought so.
(Seedy reads.)
"And whereas I consider that my apothecary, Mr Haustus Gumarabic, hath sent in much unnecessary physic, during my long illness—it is my earnest request that my executors will not fail to tax his bill."
Gum.(rises and comes forward.) Tax my bill!—well that is odd, very odd! I may as well go and look after my patients. [Exit.
(James and William come forward.)
James.I say, Bill, how are you off for a suit of mourning?
Will.Thanky for nothing, Jem. If the old gentleman don't go to heaven until I put it on, he will be in a very bad way. Come along, it's no use staying here.
(John and Thomas come forward.)
John.I say, Tom, how are you off for nineteen pounds nineteen and six? Heh!
Thos.Let's toss and see which shall have both legacies. Here goes—heads or tails?
John.Woman for ever.
Thos.You've won, so there's an end of not only my expectations but realities. Come along, Mrs Jellybags must be anxious to look over her wardrobe.
John.Yes, and also the silver watch and the key and seal hanging to it. Good-bye, Jemmy! Ha! ha!
[Exeunt, laughing.
Clem.For shame, John. (Turns to Edward.) My dear Edward, do not appear so downcast. I acknowledge that I am myself much mortified and disappointed—but we must submit to circumstances. What did I tell you before this will was read?—that nothing could alter my feelings towards you, did I not?
Edw.(with indifference.) Yes.
Clem.Why then annoy yourself, my dear Edward?
Edw.The confounded old junks!
Clem.Nay, Edward, recollect that he is dead—I can forgive him.
Edw.But I won't. Has he not dashed my cup of bliss to the ground? Heavens! what delightful anticipations I had formed of possessing you and competence—all gone!
Clem.All gone, dear Edward?
[Mrs Jellybags, who has been sitting very still, takes her handkerchief from her eyes and listens.
Edw.Yes, gone!—gone for ever! Do you imagine, my ever dear Clementina, that I would be so base, so cruel, so regardless of you and your welfare, to entrap you into marriage with only one hundred and fifty pounds? No, no!—judge me better. I sacrifice myself—my happiness—all for you!—banish myself from your dear presence, and retire to pass the remainder of my existence in misery and regret, maddened with the feeling that some happier mortal will obtain that dear hand, and will rejoice in the possession of those charms which I had too fondly, too credulously, imagined as certain to be mine.
[Takes out his handkerchief, and covers his face; Clementina also puts her handkerchief to her face and weeps. Mrs Jellybags nods her head ironically.
Clem.Edward!
Edw.My dear, dear Clementina!
Clem.You won't have me?
Edw.My honour forbids it. If you knew my feelings—how this poor heart is racked!
Clem.Don't leave me, Edward. Did you not say that for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, you would be mine, till death did us part?
Edw.Did I?
Clem.You know you did, Edward.
Edw.It's astonishing how much nonsense we talk when in love. My dearest Clementina, let us be rational. We are almost without a sixpence. There is an old adage, that when poverty comes in at the door, love flies out of the window. Shall I then make you miserable! No, no! Hear me, Clementina. I will be generous. I now absolve you from all your vows. You are free. Should the time ever come that prosperity shine upon me, and I find thatI have sufficient for both of us of that dross which I despise, then will I return, and, should my Clementina not have entered into any other engagement, throw my fortune and my person at her feet. Till then, dearest Clementina, farewell!
Clem.(sinking into a chair sobbing.) Cruel Edward! Oh, my heart will break!
Edw.I can bear it myself no longer. Farewell! farewell!
[Exit.
Jel.(coming forward.) Well, this is some comfort. (To Clementina.) Did not I tell you, Miss, that if you did not change your mind, others might?
Clem.Leave me, leave me.
Jel.No, I shan't; I have as good a right here as you, at all events. I shall stay, Miss.
Clem.(rising.) Stay then—but I shall not. Oh, Edward! Edward!
[Exit, weeping.
Jel.(alone.) Well, I really thought I should have burst—to be forced not to allow people to suppose that I cared, when I should like to tear the old wretch out of his coffin to beat him.Hiswardrobe! If people knew his wardrobe as well as I do, who have been patching at it these last ten years—not a shirt or a stocking that would fetch sixpence! And as for his other garments, why a Jew would hardly put them into his bag! (Crying.) Oh dear! oh dear! After all, I'm just like Miss Clementina; for Sergeant O'Callaghan, when he knows all this, will as surely walk off without beat of drum, as did Mr Edward—and that too with all the money I have lent him. Oh these men! these men!—whether they are living or dying there is nothing in them but treachery and disappointment! When they pretend to be in love, they only are trying for your money; and e'en when they make their wills, they leave to those behind them nothing butill-will!
[Exit, crying, off the stage as the curtain falls.