Scene Second

Scene Second.—The Gates of Castle Adamant.EnterGobbo, with ladies’ robes on his arm.Gobbo.More robes for undergraduates! I supposeSome students are expected here to-day.No girl without a robe may pass those gates!They are so proud of these here caps and gowns,They hardly like to take ’em off a-night!They even wear (or so I’ve heard it said)Night-caps and night-gowns when they go to bed![Exit into porter’s lodge.EnterHilarion,Cyril, andFlorian.Hilar.So, here’s the Princess Ida’s castle? Well,They must be lovely girls if it requiresSuch walls as these to keep intruders off!Cyril.To keep men off is only half their charge,And that the easier half. I much suspectThe object of these walls is not so muchTo keep men off as keep the maidens in!Hilar.Here lives the porter, Cyril. I’ll be boundHe’s quite as learned as the rest of them,Half Newton and half Bacon! Here he comes.EnterGobbofrom lodge.Cyril.Half Bacon? No,—all Bacon I should say!Gobbo.Now then, what is it?Hilar.I’m a royal prince;These gentlemen are followers of mine;We hold King Gama’s letters, charging youTo bear us safely to the Council Hall,In which the Princess Ida holds her state.Gobbo.Ho! ho! ho! ho!Hilar.How now?—you mock at us? (Draws sword.)Gobbo.Mock you? Why, bless your heart and soul alive,No man may place his foot within those walls;It’s death to disobey our Princess, sir!Flori.It’s double death to disobey your king! (draws.)Cyril.It’s treble death to disobey ourselves! (draws.)Gobbo.But, sirs, I am the only man aliveWho ever enters!Flori.You?Gobbo.Yes! Once a yearI am led through their ranks that they may seeWhat sort of thing’s a man! “See here!” she cries.“See—this is what you lose in losing man!This is a courtly knight—well born, well formed!”(I’m comely, sirs; but, bless you, I’m no knight!)“Look, girls,” she cries, “this is a courtly knight—A type of all that’s beautiful in man!”(aloud) And then they make me gibber, squeak, and mow;Then, with much deference and mock courtesy,They bow me to my duty at the gate!Flor.Are there no males whatever in those walls?Gobbo.None, gentlemen, excepting letter mails!And they are driven (as males often areIn other large communities)—by women!If you’ll believe me, gentlemen, I swear,She’s so confoundedly particular,She’ll scarcely suffer Dr. Watts’s hymns;And all the animals she owns are “hers”!The ladies rise at cockcrow every morn—Hilar.Oh, then they have male poultry!Gobbo.Not at all.(confidentially.) The crowing’s done by an accomplished hen!Cyril.And what are these? (Looking at robes in lodge.)Gobbo.The academic robes,Worn by the lady undergraduatesWhen they matriculate.Hilar.I’ll try one on. (Does so.)Why, see—I’m covered to the very toes!Ha! I’ve a proposition!Flori.State it then.Hilar.Suppose we dress ourselves as girls, and claimAdmission to this University?It is a thing we’ve often done at homeIn amateur theatricals. You knowHow well I play viragos in burlesque!Flori.My Cleopatra, too—remember that!Cyril.My Mrs. Bouncer, too, in ‘Box and Cox’!Hilar.Wilt play the woman, then?Cyril.Of course! What knightWould hesitate to “take a woman’s part”?Quartette.—Hilarion,Cyril,Florian, andGobbo, as they dress themselves in women’s clothes.“Les Trois Cousines” (La Perichole).Flori.If we are hailed with any query,Say we are nice young ladies, three;Who of the world terribly weary,Enter a University.Such lovely girls, ha, ha, ha, ha!All.Such lovely girls, ha, ha, ha, ha!Cyril.We will declare to them that lately,We have been bored with suitors stately,And we prefer young ladies greatly—Sorry to say that that’s too true!All.Sorry to say that that’s too true!Hilar.We must take care when we are talking,Never our manly tastes to show;Hold up our dresses thus in walking,Showing an inch of ankle—so!All.Showing an inch of ankle—so!Such lovely girls, ha, ha, ha, ha!Such lovely girls, ha, ha, ha, ha!Gobbo.(in terror). But, gentlemen, observe—if you do this,What’s to become of me?Hilar.I do not knowWhat will become of you if we do this;But I can read the fate in store for youIf you presume to interfere with us.Now, porter, say to whom we should applyTo gain admission.Gobbo.(in tears). Why, to Lady BlancheOr Lady Psyche.Flori.Which is prettier?Gobbo.Well,Ilike Lady Blanche by far the best.Flori.Then we declare for Lady Blanche at once.Gobbo.You see, she’s more my age—the other oneIs young and pretty! (contemptuously).Cyril.Bah! Then I retract;We will be Psyche’s interesting charge!So go and summon her. (Gobborings and then exit.)Flori.But stop a bit,What will your father think of such a scheme?Cyril.Oh, he be—dashed!Hilar.Extremely shocked I am!Cyril.I meant my sire—Hilar.I thought you meant your “dam”!EnterLady Psychefrom gate, attended.Psyche.Who summons us?Hilar.Three would-be students, ma’am—Three noble ladies, ma’am, of good estate,Who wish to join this University (they courtesy).Psyche.If, as you say, you wish to join our ranks,And will conform with all our rules, ’tis well;But understand—you must adapt yourselvesTo all the regulations now in force,In Princess Ida’s University.Hilar.To all its rules, we cheerfully subscribe.Flori.(aside toHilarion). Here’s a catastrophe, Hilarion!This is my sister! She’ll remember me,Though years have passed since she and I have met!Hilar.No matter, hide your face—she’ll know you not.Psyche.You say you’re noblewomen—well, you’ll findNo sham degrees for noblewomen, here—Or other cruel contrivances to drawAn arbitrary line ’twixt rich and poor,No butteries, or other institutes,To make poor students feed rich cooks—no tuftsTo mark nobility; except such tuftsAs indicate nobility of brain.As to your fellow-students, mark me well—There are five hundred maidens in these wallsAll good, all learned, and all beautiful.You must select your intimates from these;They are prepared to love you; will you swearYou’ll do your best to love them in return?Flori.Upon our words and honors, ma’am, we will!Psyche.And will you swear that if, by any chance,You’re thrown into a man’s society,You’ll not allow your thoughts to stray from us,But, at the earliest opportunity,You’ll give up his society for ours?Cyril.All this, dear madam, cheerfully we swear.Psyche.But we go further: will you undertakeThat you will never marry any man?Flori.Indeed we never will!Psyche.Consider well,—You must prefer our maids to all mankind!Hilar.To all mankind we much prefer your maids!Cyril.We should be dolts, indeed, if we did not,Seeing how fair—Hilar.(aside toCyril). Take care, that’s rather strong!(aloud) We have seen men of wealth—ay, princes too—Whose beauty has been so remarkable,That half the maidens in our monarch’s courtHave pined away and died for love of them!These men—Apollos in their manly grace,Indeed in every thing (except in thatThey wore a proper quantity of clothes)—We think of with profound indifference,But, when we see a woman who excelsIn virtue, scholarship, and loveliness,We long to lay our heads upon her breast,And join our lives with hers!Psyche.Why, that’s well said.But have you left no lovers at your home,Who may pursue you here?Hilar.No, madam, none—We’re homely ladies, as no doubt you see,And we have never fished for lover’s love—We smile at girls who deck themselves with gems,False hair, and meretricious ornaments,To chain the fleeting fancy of a man;But do not imitate them. What we haveOf hair is all our own—our color, too,Unladylike, but not unwomanly,Is but the glow of rugged, boisterous health;Our gait, untrammeled by the influenceOf high heeled boots, small waists, and Grecian bends,May seem undignified—but then we walkAs Nature meant us to—and man has learntTo reckon Nature an impertinence!Psyche.I know how coldly men regard a girl,Whose beauty is her poorest excellence;But beauty goes for nothing in these walls.You’ll find yourselves appreciated here:If what you say is true, you’ll spend with usA happy, happy time!Cyril.If, as you say,Five hundred lovely maidens wait withinTo welcome us with smiles and open arms,I think there’s very little doubt we shall![Exeunt into Castle.

Scene Second.—The Gates of Castle Adamant.EnterGobbo, with ladies’ robes on his arm.Gobbo.More robes for undergraduates! I supposeSome students are expected here to-day.No girl without a robe may pass those gates!They are so proud of these here caps and gowns,They hardly like to take ’em off a-night!They even wear (or so I’ve heard it said)Night-caps and night-gowns when they go to bed![Exit into porter’s lodge.EnterHilarion,Cyril, andFlorian.Hilar.So, here’s the Princess Ida’s castle? Well,They must be lovely girls if it requiresSuch walls as these to keep intruders off!Cyril.To keep men off is only half their charge,And that the easier half. I much suspectThe object of these walls is not so muchTo keep men off as keep the maidens in!Hilar.Here lives the porter, Cyril. I’ll be boundHe’s quite as learned as the rest of them,Half Newton and half Bacon! Here he comes.EnterGobbofrom lodge.Cyril.Half Bacon? No,—all Bacon I should say!Gobbo.Now then, what is it?Hilar.I’m a royal prince;These gentlemen are followers of mine;We hold King Gama’s letters, charging youTo bear us safely to the Council Hall,In which the Princess Ida holds her state.Gobbo.Ho! ho! ho! ho!Hilar.How now?—you mock at us? (Draws sword.)Gobbo.Mock you? Why, bless your heart and soul alive,No man may place his foot within those walls;It’s death to disobey our Princess, sir!Flori.It’s double death to disobey your king! (draws.)Cyril.It’s treble death to disobey ourselves! (draws.)Gobbo.But, sirs, I am the only man aliveWho ever enters!Flori.You?Gobbo.Yes! Once a yearI am led through their ranks that they may seeWhat sort of thing’s a man! “See here!” she cries.“See—this is what you lose in losing man!This is a courtly knight—well born, well formed!”(I’m comely, sirs; but, bless you, I’m no knight!)“Look, girls,” she cries, “this is a courtly knight—A type of all that’s beautiful in man!”(aloud) And then they make me gibber, squeak, and mow;Then, with much deference and mock courtesy,They bow me to my duty at the gate!Flor.Are there no males whatever in those walls?Gobbo.None, gentlemen, excepting letter mails!And they are driven (as males often areIn other large communities)—by women!If you’ll believe me, gentlemen, I swear,She’s so confoundedly particular,She’ll scarcely suffer Dr. Watts’s hymns;And all the animals she owns are “hers”!The ladies rise at cockcrow every morn—Hilar.Oh, then they have male poultry!Gobbo.Not at all.(confidentially.) The crowing’s done by an accomplished hen!Cyril.And what are these? (Looking at robes in lodge.)Gobbo.The academic robes,Worn by the lady undergraduatesWhen they matriculate.Hilar.I’ll try one on. (Does so.)Why, see—I’m covered to the very toes!Ha! I’ve a proposition!Flori.State it then.Hilar.Suppose we dress ourselves as girls, and claimAdmission to this University?It is a thing we’ve often done at homeIn amateur theatricals. You knowHow well I play viragos in burlesque!Flori.My Cleopatra, too—remember that!Cyril.My Mrs. Bouncer, too, in ‘Box and Cox’!Hilar.Wilt play the woman, then?Cyril.Of course! What knightWould hesitate to “take a woman’s part”?Quartette.—Hilarion,Cyril,Florian, andGobbo, as they dress themselves in women’s clothes.“Les Trois Cousines” (La Perichole).Flori.If we are hailed with any query,Say we are nice young ladies, three;Who of the world terribly weary,Enter a University.Such lovely girls, ha, ha, ha, ha!All.Such lovely girls, ha, ha, ha, ha!Cyril.We will declare to them that lately,We have been bored with suitors stately,And we prefer young ladies greatly—Sorry to say that that’s too true!All.Sorry to say that that’s too true!Hilar.We must take care when we are talking,Never our manly tastes to show;Hold up our dresses thus in walking,Showing an inch of ankle—so!All.Showing an inch of ankle—so!Such lovely girls, ha, ha, ha, ha!Such lovely girls, ha, ha, ha, ha!Gobbo.(in terror). But, gentlemen, observe—if you do this,What’s to become of me?Hilar.I do not knowWhat will become of you if we do this;But I can read the fate in store for youIf you presume to interfere with us.Now, porter, say to whom we should applyTo gain admission.Gobbo.(in tears). Why, to Lady BlancheOr Lady Psyche.Flori.Which is prettier?Gobbo.Well,Ilike Lady Blanche by far the best.Flori.Then we declare for Lady Blanche at once.Gobbo.You see, she’s more my age—the other oneIs young and pretty! (contemptuously).Cyril.Bah! Then I retract;We will be Psyche’s interesting charge!So go and summon her. (Gobborings and then exit.)Flori.But stop a bit,What will your father think of such a scheme?Cyril.Oh, he be—dashed!Hilar.Extremely shocked I am!Cyril.I meant my sire—Hilar.I thought you meant your “dam”!EnterLady Psychefrom gate, attended.Psyche.Who summons us?Hilar.Three would-be students, ma’am—Three noble ladies, ma’am, of good estate,Who wish to join this University (they courtesy).Psyche.If, as you say, you wish to join our ranks,And will conform with all our rules, ’tis well;But understand—you must adapt yourselvesTo all the regulations now in force,In Princess Ida’s University.Hilar.To all its rules, we cheerfully subscribe.Flori.(aside toHilarion). Here’s a catastrophe, Hilarion!This is my sister! She’ll remember me,Though years have passed since she and I have met!Hilar.No matter, hide your face—she’ll know you not.Psyche.You say you’re noblewomen—well, you’ll findNo sham degrees for noblewomen, here—Or other cruel contrivances to drawAn arbitrary line ’twixt rich and poor,No butteries, or other institutes,To make poor students feed rich cooks—no tuftsTo mark nobility; except such tuftsAs indicate nobility of brain.As to your fellow-students, mark me well—There are five hundred maidens in these wallsAll good, all learned, and all beautiful.You must select your intimates from these;They are prepared to love you; will you swearYou’ll do your best to love them in return?Flori.Upon our words and honors, ma’am, we will!Psyche.And will you swear that if, by any chance,You’re thrown into a man’s society,You’ll not allow your thoughts to stray from us,But, at the earliest opportunity,You’ll give up his society for ours?Cyril.All this, dear madam, cheerfully we swear.Psyche.But we go further: will you undertakeThat you will never marry any man?Flori.Indeed we never will!Psyche.Consider well,—You must prefer our maids to all mankind!Hilar.To all mankind we much prefer your maids!Cyril.We should be dolts, indeed, if we did not,Seeing how fair—Hilar.(aside toCyril). Take care, that’s rather strong!(aloud) We have seen men of wealth—ay, princes too—Whose beauty has been so remarkable,That half the maidens in our monarch’s courtHave pined away and died for love of them!These men—Apollos in their manly grace,Indeed in every thing (except in thatThey wore a proper quantity of clothes)—We think of with profound indifference,But, when we see a woman who excelsIn virtue, scholarship, and loveliness,We long to lay our heads upon her breast,And join our lives with hers!Psyche.Why, that’s well said.But have you left no lovers at your home,Who may pursue you here?Hilar.No, madam, none—We’re homely ladies, as no doubt you see,And we have never fished for lover’s love—We smile at girls who deck themselves with gems,False hair, and meretricious ornaments,To chain the fleeting fancy of a man;But do not imitate them. What we haveOf hair is all our own—our color, too,Unladylike, but not unwomanly,Is but the glow of rugged, boisterous health;Our gait, untrammeled by the influenceOf high heeled boots, small waists, and Grecian bends,May seem undignified—but then we walkAs Nature meant us to—and man has learntTo reckon Nature an impertinence!Psyche.I know how coldly men regard a girl,Whose beauty is her poorest excellence;But beauty goes for nothing in these walls.You’ll find yourselves appreciated here:If what you say is true, you’ll spend with usA happy, happy time!Cyril.If, as you say,Five hundred lovely maidens wait withinTo welcome us with smiles and open arms,I think there’s very little doubt we shall![Exeunt into Castle.

Scene Second.—The Gates of Castle Adamant.EnterGobbo, with ladies’ robes on his arm.Gobbo.More robes for undergraduates! I supposeSome students are expected here to-day.No girl without a robe may pass those gates!They are so proud of these here caps and gowns,They hardly like to take ’em off a-night!They even wear (or so I’ve heard it said)Night-caps and night-gowns when they go to bed![Exit into porter’s lodge.EnterHilarion,Cyril, andFlorian.Hilar.So, here’s the Princess Ida’s castle? Well,They must be lovely girls if it requiresSuch walls as these to keep intruders off!Cyril.To keep men off is only half their charge,And that the easier half. I much suspectThe object of these walls is not so muchTo keep men off as keep the maidens in!Hilar.Here lives the porter, Cyril. I’ll be boundHe’s quite as learned as the rest of them,Half Newton and half Bacon! Here he comes.EnterGobbofrom lodge.Cyril.Half Bacon? No,—all Bacon I should say!Gobbo.Now then, what is it?Hilar.I’m a royal prince;These gentlemen are followers of mine;We hold King Gama’s letters, charging youTo bear us safely to the Council Hall,In which the Princess Ida holds her state.Gobbo.Ho! ho! ho! ho!Hilar.How now?—you mock at us? (Draws sword.)Gobbo.Mock you? Why, bless your heart and soul alive,No man may place his foot within those walls;It’s death to disobey our Princess, sir!Flori.It’s double death to disobey your king! (draws.)Cyril.It’s treble death to disobey ourselves! (draws.)Gobbo.But, sirs, I am the only man aliveWho ever enters!Flori.You?Gobbo.Yes! Once a yearI am led through their ranks that they may seeWhat sort of thing’s a man! “See here!” she cries.“See—this is what you lose in losing man!This is a courtly knight—well born, well formed!”(I’m comely, sirs; but, bless you, I’m no knight!)“Look, girls,” she cries, “this is a courtly knight—A type of all that’s beautiful in man!”(aloud) And then they make me gibber, squeak, and mow;Then, with much deference and mock courtesy,They bow me to my duty at the gate!Flor.Are there no males whatever in those walls?Gobbo.None, gentlemen, excepting letter mails!And they are driven (as males often areIn other large communities)—by women!If you’ll believe me, gentlemen, I swear,She’s so confoundedly particular,She’ll scarcely suffer Dr. Watts’s hymns;And all the animals she owns are “hers”!The ladies rise at cockcrow every morn—Hilar.Oh, then they have male poultry!Gobbo.Not at all.(confidentially.) The crowing’s done by an accomplished hen!Cyril.And what are these? (Looking at robes in lodge.)Gobbo.The academic robes,Worn by the lady undergraduatesWhen they matriculate.Hilar.I’ll try one on. (Does so.)Why, see—I’m covered to the very toes!Ha! I’ve a proposition!Flori.State it then.Hilar.Suppose we dress ourselves as girls, and claimAdmission to this University?It is a thing we’ve often done at homeIn amateur theatricals. You knowHow well I play viragos in burlesque!Flori.My Cleopatra, too—remember that!Cyril.My Mrs. Bouncer, too, in ‘Box and Cox’!Hilar.Wilt play the woman, then?Cyril.Of course! What knightWould hesitate to “take a woman’s part”?Quartette.—Hilarion,Cyril,Florian, andGobbo, as they dress themselves in women’s clothes.“Les Trois Cousines” (La Perichole).Flori.If we are hailed with any query,Say we are nice young ladies, three;Who of the world terribly weary,Enter a University.Such lovely girls, ha, ha, ha, ha!All.Such lovely girls, ha, ha, ha, ha!Cyril.We will declare to them that lately,We have been bored with suitors stately,And we prefer young ladies greatly—Sorry to say that that’s too true!All.Sorry to say that that’s too true!Hilar.We must take care when we are talking,Never our manly tastes to show;Hold up our dresses thus in walking,Showing an inch of ankle—so!All.Showing an inch of ankle—so!Such lovely girls, ha, ha, ha, ha!Such lovely girls, ha, ha, ha, ha!Gobbo.(in terror). But, gentlemen, observe—if you do this,What’s to become of me?Hilar.I do not knowWhat will become of you if we do this;But I can read the fate in store for youIf you presume to interfere with us.Now, porter, say to whom we should applyTo gain admission.Gobbo.(in tears). Why, to Lady BlancheOr Lady Psyche.Flori.Which is prettier?Gobbo.Well,Ilike Lady Blanche by far the best.Flori.Then we declare for Lady Blanche at once.Gobbo.You see, she’s more my age—the other oneIs young and pretty! (contemptuously).Cyril.Bah! Then I retract;We will be Psyche’s interesting charge!So go and summon her. (Gobborings and then exit.)Flori.But stop a bit,What will your father think of such a scheme?Cyril.Oh, he be—dashed!Hilar.Extremely shocked I am!Cyril.I meant my sire—Hilar.I thought you meant your “dam”!EnterLady Psychefrom gate, attended.Psyche.Who summons us?Hilar.Three would-be students, ma’am—Three noble ladies, ma’am, of good estate,Who wish to join this University (they courtesy).Psyche.If, as you say, you wish to join our ranks,And will conform with all our rules, ’tis well;But understand—you must adapt yourselvesTo all the regulations now in force,In Princess Ida’s University.Hilar.To all its rules, we cheerfully subscribe.Flori.(aside toHilarion). Here’s a catastrophe, Hilarion!This is my sister! She’ll remember me,Though years have passed since she and I have met!Hilar.No matter, hide your face—she’ll know you not.Psyche.You say you’re noblewomen—well, you’ll findNo sham degrees for noblewomen, here—Or other cruel contrivances to drawAn arbitrary line ’twixt rich and poor,No butteries, or other institutes,To make poor students feed rich cooks—no tuftsTo mark nobility; except such tuftsAs indicate nobility of brain.As to your fellow-students, mark me well—There are five hundred maidens in these wallsAll good, all learned, and all beautiful.You must select your intimates from these;They are prepared to love you; will you swearYou’ll do your best to love them in return?Flori.Upon our words and honors, ma’am, we will!Psyche.And will you swear that if, by any chance,You’re thrown into a man’s society,You’ll not allow your thoughts to stray from us,But, at the earliest opportunity,You’ll give up his society for ours?Cyril.All this, dear madam, cheerfully we swear.Psyche.But we go further: will you undertakeThat you will never marry any man?Flori.Indeed we never will!Psyche.Consider well,—You must prefer our maids to all mankind!Hilar.To all mankind we much prefer your maids!Cyril.We should be dolts, indeed, if we did not,Seeing how fair—Hilar.(aside toCyril). Take care, that’s rather strong!(aloud) We have seen men of wealth—ay, princes too—Whose beauty has been so remarkable,That half the maidens in our monarch’s courtHave pined away and died for love of them!These men—Apollos in their manly grace,Indeed in every thing (except in thatThey wore a proper quantity of clothes)—We think of with profound indifference,But, when we see a woman who excelsIn virtue, scholarship, and loveliness,We long to lay our heads upon her breast,And join our lives with hers!Psyche.Why, that’s well said.But have you left no lovers at your home,Who may pursue you here?Hilar.No, madam, none—We’re homely ladies, as no doubt you see,And we have never fished for lover’s love—We smile at girls who deck themselves with gems,False hair, and meretricious ornaments,To chain the fleeting fancy of a man;But do not imitate them. What we haveOf hair is all our own—our color, too,Unladylike, but not unwomanly,Is but the glow of rugged, boisterous health;Our gait, untrammeled by the influenceOf high heeled boots, small waists, and Grecian bends,May seem undignified—but then we walkAs Nature meant us to—and man has learntTo reckon Nature an impertinence!Psyche.I know how coldly men regard a girl,Whose beauty is her poorest excellence;But beauty goes for nothing in these walls.You’ll find yourselves appreciated here:If what you say is true, you’ll spend with usA happy, happy time!Cyril.If, as you say,Five hundred lovely maidens wait withinTo welcome us with smiles and open arms,I think there’s very little doubt we shall![Exeunt into Castle.

Scene Second.—The Gates of Castle Adamant.

EnterGobbo, with ladies’ robes on his arm.

Gobbo.More robes for undergraduates! I supposeSome students are expected here to-day.No girl without a robe may pass those gates!They are so proud of these here caps and gowns,They hardly like to take ’em off a-night!They even wear (or so I’ve heard it said)Night-caps and night-gowns when they go to bed![Exit into porter’s lodge.

Gobbo.More robes for undergraduates! I suppose

Some students are expected here to-day.

No girl without a robe may pass those gates!

They are so proud of these here caps and gowns,

They hardly like to take ’em off a-night!

They even wear (or so I’ve heard it said)

Night-caps and night-gowns when they go to bed!

[Exit into porter’s lodge.

EnterHilarion,Cyril, andFlorian.

Hilar.So, here’s the Princess Ida’s castle? Well,They must be lovely girls if it requiresSuch walls as these to keep intruders off!

Hilar.So, here’s the Princess Ida’s castle? Well,

They must be lovely girls if it requires

Such walls as these to keep intruders off!

Cyril.To keep men off is only half their charge,And that the easier half. I much suspectThe object of these walls is not so muchTo keep men off as keep the maidens in!

Cyril.To keep men off is only half their charge,

And that the easier half. I much suspect

The object of these walls is not so much

To keep men off as keep the maidens in!

Hilar.Here lives the porter, Cyril. I’ll be boundHe’s quite as learned as the rest of them,Half Newton and half Bacon! Here he comes.

Hilar.Here lives the porter, Cyril. I’ll be bound

He’s quite as learned as the rest of them,

Half Newton and half Bacon! Here he comes.

EnterGobbofrom lodge.

Cyril.Half Bacon? No,—all Bacon I should say!

Cyril.Half Bacon? No,—all Bacon I should say!

Gobbo.Now then, what is it?

Gobbo.Now then, what is it?

Hilar.I’m a royal prince;These gentlemen are followers of mine;We hold King Gama’s letters, charging youTo bear us safely to the Council Hall,In which the Princess Ida holds her state.

Hilar.I’m a royal prince;

These gentlemen are followers of mine;

We hold King Gama’s letters, charging you

To bear us safely to the Council Hall,

In which the Princess Ida holds her state.

Gobbo.Ho! ho! ho! ho!

Gobbo.Ho! ho! ho! ho!

Hilar.How now?—you mock at us? (Draws sword.)

Hilar.How now?—you mock at us? (Draws sword.)

Gobbo.Mock you? Why, bless your heart and soul alive,No man may place his foot within those walls;It’s death to disobey our Princess, sir!

Gobbo.Mock you? Why, bless your heart and soul alive,

No man may place his foot within those walls;

It’s death to disobey our Princess, sir!

Flori.It’s double death to disobey your king! (draws.)

Flori.It’s double death to disobey your king! (draws.)

Cyril.It’s treble death to disobey ourselves! (draws.)

Cyril.It’s treble death to disobey ourselves! (draws.)

Gobbo.But, sirs, I am the only man aliveWho ever enters!

Gobbo.But, sirs, I am the only man alive

Who ever enters!

Flori.You?

Flori.You?

Gobbo.Yes! Once a yearI am led through their ranks that they may seeWhat sort of thing’s a man! “See here!” she cries.“See—this is what you lose in losing man!This is a courtly knight—well born, well formed!”(I’m comely, sirs; but, bless you, I’m no knight!)“Look, girls,” she cries, “this is a courtly knight—A type of all that’s beautiful in man!”(aloud) And then they make me gibber, squeak, and mow;Then, with much deference and mock courtesy,They bow me to my duty at the gate!

Gobbo.Yes! Once a year

I am led through their ranks that they may see

What sort of thing’s a man! “See here!” she cries.

“See—this is what you lose in losing man!

This is a courtly knight—well born, well formed!”

(I’m comely, sirs; but, bless you, I’m no knight!)

“Look, girls,” she cries, “this is a courtly knight—

A type of all that’s beautiful in man!”

(aloud) And then they make me gibber, squeak, and mow;

Then, with much deference and mock courtesy,

They bow me to my duty at the gate!

Flor.Are there no males whatever in those walls?

Flor.Are there no males whatever in those walls?

Gobbo.None, gentlemen, excepting letter mails!And they are driven (as males often areIn other large communities)—by women!If you’ll believe me, gentlemen, I swear,She’s so confoundedly particular,She’ll scarcely suffer Dr. Watts’s hymns;And all the animals she owns are “hers”!The ladies rise at cockcrow every morn—

Gobbo.None, gentlemen, excepting letter mails!

And they are driven (as males often are

In other large communities)—by women!

If you’ll believe me, gentlemen, I swear,

She’s so confoundedly particular,

She’ll scarcely suffer Dr. Watts’s hymns;

And all the animals she owns are “hers”!

The ladies rise at cockcrow every morn—

Hilar.Oh, then they have male poultry!

Hilar.Oh, then they have male poultry!

Gobbo.Not at all.(confidentially.) The crowing’s done by an accomplished hen!

Gobbo.Not at all.

(confidentially.) The crowing’s done by an accomplished hen!

Cyril.And what are these? (Looking at robes in lodge.)

Cyril.And what are these? (Looking at robes in lodge.)

Gobbo.The academic robes,Worn by the lady undergraduatesWhen they matriculate.

Gobbo.The academic robes,

Worn by the lady undergraduates

When they matriculate.

Hilar.I’ll try one on. (Does so.)Why, see—I’m covered to the very toes!Ha! I’ve a proposition!

Hilar.I’ll try one on. (Does so.)

Why, see—I’m covered to the very toes!

Ha! I’ve a proposition!

Flori.State it then.

Flori.State it then.

Hilar.Suppose we dress ourselves as girls, and claimAdmission to this University?It is a thing we’ve often done at homeIn amateur theatricals. You knowHow well I play viragos in burlesque!

Hilar.Suppose we dress ourselves as girls, and claim

Admission to this University?

It is a thing we’ve often done at home

In amateur theatricals. You know

How well I play viragos in burlesque!

Flori.My Cleopatra, too—remember that!

Flori.My Cleopatra, too—remember that!

Cyril.My Mrs. Bouncer, too, in ‘Box and Cox’!

Cyril.My Mrs. Bouncer, too, in ‘Box and Cox’!

Hilar.Wilt play the woman, then?

Hilar.Wilt play the woman, then?

Cyril.Of course! What knightWould hesitate to “take a woman’s part”?

Cyril.Of course! What knight

Would hesitate to “take a woman’s part”?

Quartette.—Hilarion,Cyril,Florian, andGobbo, as they dress themselves in women’s clothes.

“Les Trois Cousines” (La Perichole).

Flori.

Flori.

If we are hailed with any query,Say we are nice young ladies, three;Who of the world terribly weary,Enter a University.Such lovely girls, ha, ha, ha, ha!

If we are hailed with any query,

Say we are nice young ladies, three;

Who of the world terribly weary,

Enter a University.

Such lovely girls, ha, ha, ha, ha!

All.

All.

Such lovely girls, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Such lovely girls, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Cyril.

Cyril.

We will declare to them that lately,We have been bored with suitors stately,And we prefer young ladies greatly—Sorry to say that that’s too true!

We will declare to them that lately,

We have been bored with suitors stately,

And we prefer young ladies greatly—

Sorry to say that that’s too true!

All.

All.

Sorry to say that that’s too true!

Sorry to say that that’s too true!

Hilar.

Hilar.

We must take care when we are talking,Never our manly tastes to show;Hold up our dresses thus in walking,Showing an inch of ankle—so!

We must take care when we are talking,

Never our manly tastes to show;

Hold up our dresses thus in walking,

Showing an inch of ankle—so!

All.

All.

Showing an inch of ankle—so!Such lovely girls, ha, ha, ha, ha!Such lovely girls, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Showing an inch of ankle—so!

Such lovely girls, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Such lovely girls, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Gobbo.(in terror). But, gentlemen, observe—if you do this,What’s to become of me?

Gobbo.(in terror). But, gentlemen, observe—if you do this,

What’s to become of me?

Hilar.I do not knowWhat will become of you if we do this;But I can read the fate in store for youIf you presume to interfere with us.Now, porter, say to whom we should applyTo gain admission.

Hilar.I do not know

What will become of you if we do this;

But I can read the fate in store for you

If you presume to interfere with us.

Now, porter, say to whom we should apply

To gain admission.

Gobbo.(in tears). Why, to Lady BlancheOr Lady Psyche.

Gobbo.(in tears). Why, to Lady Blanche

Or Lady Psyche.

Flori.Which is prettier?

Flori.Which is prettier?

Gobbo.Well,Ilike Lady Blanche by far the best.

Gobbo.Well,Ilike Lady Blanche by far the best.

Flori.Then we declare for Lady Blanche at once.

Flori.Then we declare for Lady Blanche at once.

Gobbo.You see, she’s more my age—the other oneIs young and pretty! (contemptuously).

Gobbo.You see, she’s more my age—the other one

Is young and pretty! (contemptuously).

Cyril.Bah! Then I retract;We will be Psyche’s interesting charge!So go and summon her. (Gobborings and then exit.)

Cyril.Bah! Then I retract;

We will be Psyche’s interesting charge!

So go and summon her. (Gobborings and then exit.)

Flori.But stop a bit,What will your father think of such a scheme?

Flori.But stop a bit,

What will your father think of such a scheme?

Cyril.Oh, he be—dashed!

Cyril.Oh, he be—dashed!

Hilar.Extremely shocked I am!

Hilar.Extremely shocked I am!

Cyril.I meant my sire—

Cyril.I meant my sire—

Hilar.I thought you meant your “dam”!

Hilar.I thought you meant your “dam”!

EnterLady Psychefrom gate, attended.

Psyche.Who summons us?

Psyche.Who summons us?

Hilar.Three would-be students, ma’am—Three noble ladies, ma’am, of good estate,Who wish to join this University (they courtesy).

Hilar.Three would-be students, ma’am—

Three noble ladies, ma’am, of good estate,

Who wish to join this University (they courtesy).

Psyche.If, as you say, you wish to join our ranks,And will conform with all our rules, ’tis well;But understand—you must adapt yourselvesTo all the regulations now in force,In Princess Ida’s University.

Psyche.If, as you say, you wish to join our ranks,

And will conform with all our rules, ’tis well;

But understand—you must adapt yourselves

To all the regulations now in force,

In Princess Ida’s University.

Hilar.To all its rules, we cheerfully subscribe.

Hilar.To all its rules, we cheerfully subscribe.

Flori.(aside toHilarion). Here’s a catastrophe, Hilarion!This is my sister! She’ll remember me,Though years have passed since she and I have met!

Flori.(aside toHilarion). Here’s a catastrophe, Hilarion!

This is my sister! She’ll remember me,

Though years have passed since she and I have met!

Hilar.No matter, hide your face—she’ll know you not.

Hilar.No matter, hide your face—she’ll know you not.

Psyche.You say you’re noblewomen—well, you’ll findNo sham degrees for noblewomen, here—Or other cruel contrivances to drawAn arbitrary line ’twixt rich and poor,No butteries, or other institutes,To make poor students feed rich cooks—no tuftsTo mark nobility; except such tuftsAs indicate nobility of brain.As to your fellow-students, mark me well—There are five hundred maidens in these wallsAll good, all learned, and all beautiful.You must select your intimates from these;They are prepared to love you; will you swearYou’ll do your best to love them in return?

Psyche.You say you’re noblewomen—well, you’ll find

No sham degrees for noblewomen, here—

Or other cruel contrivances to draw

An arbitrary line ’twixt rich and poor,

No butteries, or other institutes,

To make poor students feed rich cooks—no tufts

To mark nobility; except such tufts

As indicate nobility of brain.

As to your fellow-students, mark me well—

There are five hundred maidens in these walls

All good, all learned, and all beautiful.

You must select your intimates from these;

They are prepared to love you; will you swear

You’ll do your best to love them in return?

Flori.Upon our words and honors, ma’am, we will!

Flori.Upon our words and honors, ma’am, we will!

Psyche.And will you swear that if, by any chance,You’re thrown into a man’s society,You’ll not allow your thoughts to stray from us,But, at the earliest opportunity,You’ll give up his society for ours?

Psyche.And will you swear that if, by any chance,

You’re thrown into a man’s society,

You’ll not allow your thoughts to stray from us,

But, at the earliest opportunity,

You’ll give up his society for ours?

Cyril.All this, dear madam, cheerfully we swear.

Cyril.All this, dear madam, cheerfully we swear.

Psyche.But we go further: will you undertakeThat you will never marry any man?

Psyche.But we go further: will you undertake

That you will never marry any man?

Flori.Indeed we never will!

Flori.Indeed we never will!

Psyche.Consider well,—You must prefer our maids to all mankind!

Psyche.Consider well,—

You must prefer our maids to all mankind!

Hilar.To all mankind we much prefer your maids!

Hilar.To all mankind we much prefer your maids!

Cyril.We should be dolts, indeed, if we did not,Seeing how fair—

Cyril.We should be dolts, indeed, if we did not,

Seeing how fair—

Hilar.(aside toCyril). Take care, that’s rather strong!(aloud) We have seen men of wealth—ay, princes too—Whose beauty has been so remarkable,That half the maidens in our monarch’s courtHave pined away and died for love of them!These men—Apollos in their manly grace,Indeed in every thing (except in thatThey wore a proper quantity of clothes)—We think of with profound indifference,But, when we see a woman who excelsIn virtue, scholarship, and loveliness,We long to lay our heads upon her breast,And join our lives with hers!

Hilar.(aside toCyril). Take care, that’s rather strong!

(aloud) We have seen men of wealth—ay, princes too—

Whose beauty has been so remarkable,

That half the maidens in our monarch’s court

Have pined away and died for love of them!

These men—Apollos in their manly grace,

Indeed in every thing (except in that

They wore a proper quantity of clothes)—

We think of with profound indifference,

But, when we see a woman who excels

In virtue, scholarship, and loveliness,

We long to lay our heads upon her breast,

And join our lives with hers!

Psyche.Why, that’s well said.But have you left no lovers at your home,Who may pursue you here?

Psyche.Why, that’s well said.

But have you left no lovers at your home,

Who may pursue you here?

Hilar.No, madam, none—We’re homely ladies, as no doubt you see,And we have never fished for lover’s love—We smile at girls who deck themselves with gems,False hair, and meretricious ornaments,To chain the fleeting fancy of a man;But do not imitate them. What we haveOf hair is all our own—our color, too,Unladylike, but not unwomanly,Is but the glow of rugged, boisterous health;Our gait, untrammeled by the influenceOf high heeled boots, small waists, and Grecian bends,May seem undignified—but then we walkAs Nature meant us to—and man has learntTo reckon Nature an impertinence!

Hilar.No, madam, none—

We’re homely ladies, as no doubt you see,

And we have never fished for lover’s love—

We smile at girls who deck themselves with gems,

False hair, and meretricious ornaments,

To chain the fleeting fancy of a man;

But do not imitate them. What we have

Of hair is all our own—our color, too,

Unladylike, but not unwomanly,

Is but the glow of rugged, boisterous health;

Our gait, untrammeled by the influence

Of high heeled boots, small waists, and Grecian bends,

May seem undignified—but then we walk

As Nature meant us to—and man has learnt

To reckon Nature an impertinence!

Psyche.I know how coldly men regard a girl,Whose beauty is her poorest excellence;But beauty goes for nothing in these walls.You’ll find yourselves appreciated here:If what you say is true, you’ll spend with usA happy, happy time!

Psyche.I know how coldly men regard a girl,

Whose beauty is her poorest excellence;

But beauty goes for nothing in these walls.

You’ll find yourselves appreciated here:

If what you say is true, you’ll spend with us

A happy, happy time!

Cyril.If, as you say,Five hundred lovely maidens wait withinTo welcome us with smiles and open arms,I think there’s very little doubt we shall![Exeunt into Castle.

Cyril.If, as you say,

Five hundred lovely maidens wait within

To welcome us with smiles and open arms,

I think there’s very little doubt we shall!

[Exeunt into Castle.

Scene Third.—Grounds of Castle Adamant; Waterfall and Stream, crossed by rustic bridge;Girl-Studentsdiscovered grouped about the stage, occupied with philosophical instruments, &c.Ada.I shall be quite alone, dear, in my rooms,So come and spend a long, long evening—do!And bring your steam-engine!Chloe.Oh, that I will!And you shall show me all your nice new things—That quadrant—and the anemometer;And oh, that darling, darling dumpy-levelI’ve heard so much about!Lydia.My love, I seeYou’ve got another new theodolite.(aside toChloe) That’s the fifteenth this month! The one I useWent out of fashion half a year ago!Oh, I’ve a bit of scandal! What d’you think?Melissa found abillet-doux, concealedIn that Egyptian mummy we unrolledLast night. Just think of that!EnterMelissa, from, bridge, running.Melissa.I say, my dear,I have such news for you! I’ve just been shownThe robe for doctors of divinity.Oh, it’s the sweetest thing!—Magenta silk,Trimmed with chinchilla,bouillonnébehind,Gored to the figure though; and on the skirt,Two rows of Cluny lace as deep as that!Chloe.Oh my! how lovely!Melissa.Then the trencher capIs amber satin, trimmed with Cluny laceAnd rows of pearls; and round the outer edgeThe tiniest, tiniest rosebuds in the world!Ada.(toChloe). It’s much more lovely than the legal gown—Green grenadine, with rûchings down the front,That we shall wear.Chloe.(pouting).I shall give up the lawAnd go into the church! I’ve always feltA serious longing for a pastor’s life;Besides, I’m dark, and look a fright in green!Sacha.Take care, here’s Lady Blanche. How stern she looks!EnterLady Blanche,l.,Girlsstudy vigorously.Blanche.Attention, ladies, while I read to youThe Princess Ida’s list of punishments:The first is Sacharissa. She’s expelled.All.Expelled!Blanche.Expelled—because, although she knewNo man of any kind may see these halls,She dared to bring a set of chessmen here!Sacha.(in tears).I meant no harm—they’re only men of wood!Blanche.They’re men with whom you give each other mate—And that’s enough! The next is Sylvia—Sylvia.Oh!Blanche.Sylvia is rusticated for a monthBecause, in spite of all our college rulesUpon the point, she dared to put three rowsOf lace insertion round her graduate’s gown!Phyllis will lose three terms, for yesterday,When, looking through her drawing book, I foundA sketch of a perambulator!All.(shocked).Oh!Blanche.Doubleperambulator, shameless girl!That’s all at present. Now, attention please,Your principal, the Princess, comes to giveHer usual inaugural address,To those young ladies who joined yesterday.(March.—Enter thePrincess, over bridge, attended by eight “daughters of the plow.” All courtesy profoundly.)Princess.Women of Adamant—fair neophytes,Who pant for the instruction we can give,Attend, while I unfold a parable:The elephant is stronger than the man,Yet man subdues him. Why? The elephantIs elephantine everywhere but here (tapping forehead),And Man, who’s brain is to the elephant’sAs Woman’s brain to Man’s—that’s rule of three—Conquers the foolish giant of the woods,As Woman, in her turn, shall conquer Man.In mathematics Woman leads the way!The narrow-minded pedant still believesThat two and two make four! Why, we can prove—We women, household drudges as we are—That two and two make five—or three—or seven—Or five-and-twenty, as the case demands!Finance? Why, I’ve heard clever men declare,Their bankers’ balance being overdrawn,They don’t know where to turn for ready cash,Yet willfully ignoring all the whileThat remedy unfailing—draw a check!Diplomacy? The wily diplomateIs absolutely helpless in our hands:He wheedles monarchs—Woman wheedles him!Logic? Why, tyrant man himself admitsIt’s waste of time to argue with a woman!Then we excel in social qualities—Though man professes that he holds our sexIn utter scorn, I’ll undertake to sayIf you could read the secrets of his heart,He’d rather be alone with one of youThan with five hundred of his fellow-men!In all things we excel. Believing this,Five hundred maidens here have sworn to placeTheir foot upon his neck. If we succeed,We’ll treat him better than he treated us,But if we fail—oh then let hope fail too!Let no one care one penny how she looks!Let red be worn with yellow—blue with green,Crimson with scarlet—violet with blue!Let all your things misfit, and you yourselvesAt inconvenient moments come undone!Let hair-pins lose their virtue; let the hookDisdain the fascination of the eye,—The bashful button modestly evadeThe soft embraces of the button hole!Let old associations all dissolve,Let Swan secede from Edgar—Grant from Gask,Sewell from Cross—Lewis from Allenby—In other words, let Chaos come again!Who lectures in the Upper Hall to-day?Blanche.I, madam, on Abstract Philosophy.There, I propose considering at lengthThree points—the Is, the Might Be, and the Must.Whether the Is, from being actual fact,Is more important than the vague Might Be,Or the Might Be, from taking wider scope,Is, for that reason, greater than the Is,And lastly, how the Is and Might Be standCompared with the inevitable Must.Prin.The subject’s deep—how do you treat it, pray?Blanche.Madam, I take three Possibilities,And strike a balance then between the three,As thus—the Princess Ida Is our head—The Lady Psyche Might Be—Lady Blanche—Neglected Blanche—inevitably Must.Given these three hypotheses—to findThe actual betting against each of them!Come, girls![ExeuntLady BlancheandStudents.Prin.(looking after her).Ambitious fool. And do you think you canProvide this college with a head. Go, go!Provide yourself with one—you want it more!EnterLady Psyche, over bridge, conductingHilarion,Florian, andCyril.Lady P.Here is the Princess Ida’s favorite grove,And here’s the Princess. (ToPrincess.) These are ladies threeWho join our College.Hilar.(aside toCyril). Gods! how beautiful!Prin.What special study do you seek, my friend?Hilar.(enraptured). Madam, I come that I may learn to live,For, if I come not here, I die!Prin.(laughing).Indeed?Your case is desperate! We welcome you.We meet at luncheon—until then, farewell![ExitPrincess.Flori.(aside toHilarion).When Psyche sees my face, I’m confidentShe’ll recognize her brother Florian.Let’s make a virtue of necessity,And trust our secret to her gentle care. (Hilarionassents.)(aloud) Psyche! Why don’t you know me——Florian?(Psycheamazed.)Psyche.Why, Florian!Flori.My sister!Psyche.Oh, my dear,What are you doing here—and who are these?Hilar.I am that Prince Hilarion to whomYour Princess is betrothed—I come to claimHer promised love—your brother Florian, here,And Cyril—come to see me safely through.Psyche.The Prince Hilarion!—Cyril too! How strange!My earliest playfellows!Hilar.(astonished).Why let me look!Are you that learned little Psyche whoAt school alarmed her mates because she calledA buttercup “ranunculus bulbosus”?Cyril.Are you indeed that Lady Psyche, whoAt children’s parties drove the conjurer wild,Explaining all his tricks before he did them?Hilar.Are you that learned little Psyche, whoAt dinner parties brought into dessertWould tackle visitors with “you don’t knowWho first determined longitude—I do—Hipparchus ’twas,B.C.one sixty three!”Are you indeed that little Psyche then?Psyche.That small phenomenon in truth am I!But gentlemen, ’tis death to enter here—My vow will make me speak. What shall I do?This palace is a rat trap—we the bait—And you the foolish victims!Cyril.Be it so—A prisoned rat, before he dies the death,Has liberty to nibble at the bait! (kisses her).Psyche.Forbear, sir—pray—you know not what you do!We have all promised to renounce mankind.Hilar.But on what grounds do you, fair Psyche, baseThis senseless resolution?Psyche.Senseless? No!It’s based upon the grand hypothesisThat as the Ape is undeveloped Man,So Man is undeveloped Woman.Hilar.Then,This, of all others, is the place for us!EnterMelissaunperceived, at back; she listens in astonishment.If Man is only undeveloped Woman,We men, if we work very hard indeed,And do our utmost to improve ourselves—May in good timebewomen! Though I ownUp to this point (as far as I’m aware)The metamorphosis has not commenced.Melissa.(coming down). Oh, Lady Psyche!—Psyche.(startled). What—you heard us, then?Oh, all is lost!Melissa.Not so; I’ll breathe no word.(Advancing in astonishment toFlorian.)How marvelously strange! And are you then,Indeed, young men?Flori.Well, yes—just now we are;But hope, by dint of study, to become,In course of time, young women!Melissa.(eagerly).No! no! no!Oh, don’t do that! Is this indeed a man?I’ve often heard of them, but till this dayNever set eyes on one. They told me menWere hideous, idiotic, and deformed!They’re quite as beautiful as women are!(pattingFlorian’scheek)Their cheeks have not that pulpy softness whichOne gets so weary of in womankind!Their features are more marked,—and oh! their chins(feeling his chin)How curious!Flori.I fear it’s rather rough.Melissa. Oh, don’t apologize—I like it so!But I forgot; my mother, Lady Blanche,Is coming—and her eyes are very keen—She will detect you, sir!Hilar.Oh, never fear!We saw her ladyship an hour ago;She seemed to have suspicions of our sex,And showed us robes, and gave us needlework,As though to test us. Well, we did the workLike seamstresses—and named the various stuffs,As if we’d spent a full apprenticeshipAt Swan and Edgar’s!EnterLady Blanche. Exeunt the threeGentlemenwithLady Psyche.Blanche.(aside toMelissa). Here, Melissa—hush!Those are the three new students?Melissa.(confused).Yes, they are—They’re charming girls!Blanche.(sarcastically).Particularly so!So graceful, and so very womanly;So skilled in all a girl’s accomplishments!Melissa.(confused). Yes very skilled!Blanche.You stupid little fool!Awhile ago, I placed before their eyes,Some Cluny lace—they called it Valenciennes—Hemming is stitching—so at least they say—A gusset is a gore—a tuck’s a flounce—Merino’s cotton—linen’s calico—Poplin is silk, and rep is corduroy!I bade them hem a pocket handkerchief—They placed their thimbles on their forefingers!And set about their work as clumsilyAs if they had been men, in girls’ disguise!Melissa.(trembling).You surely wrong them, Mother dear, for see—(picking up a case from floor)Here is anétuidropped by one of them—Containing scissors, needles, and—Blanche.(taking it from her, and opening it). Cigars!!!Why thesearemen! And you knew this, you cat!Melissa.Oh, spare them—theyaregentlemen, indeed,The Prince Hilarion—betrothed long sinceTo Princess Ida—with two trusted friends!Consider, Mother, he’s her husband now!And has been, twenty years! Consider, too, (insidiously)You’re only second here—you should be first—Assist the Prince’s plan, and when he gainsThe Princess Ida’s hand, youwillbe first!You will design the fashions—think of that!And always serve out all the punishments!The scheme is harmless, Mother—wink at it!Blanche.The prospect’s tempting! Well, well, well, I’ll try—Though I’ve not winked at any thing for years!’Tis but one step towards my destiny—The mighty Must! Inevitable Shall![ExitLady Blanche.Melissa.Saved for a while, at least!EnterFlorian.Flori.Melissa here?Melissa.Oh, sir, you must away from this at once,My mother guessed your sex—it was my fault,I blushed and stammered so, that she exclaimed:“Can these be men” (then seeing this) “Why these—”“Are men!” she would have added, but “are men”Stuck in her throat! She keeps your secret, sir,For reasons of her own; but fly from this,And take me with you—that is—no, not that!Flori.I’ll go—but not without you. (Bell.) Why, what’s that?Melissa.The luncheon bell.Flori.I’ll wait for luncheon, then.See, here’s Hilarion with the stern Princess,And Cyril with my sister Psyche, too.EnterCyrilwithPsyche, andHilarionwithPrincess,Lady Blanche, also all the otherGirls, over bridge, bearing luncheon, which is spread. They all sit down and eat,Cyrildrinking freely.Prin.You say you know the Court of Hildebrand?There is a prince there—I forget his name.Hilar.Hilarion?Prin.Exactly. Is he well?Hilar.If it is well to droop and pine and mope—To sigh, “Oh, Ida! Ida!” all day long—“Ida! my love! my life! Oh, come to me!”—If it is well, I say, to do all this,Then Prince Hilarion is very well.Prin.He breathesourname? Well, it’s a common one!And is the booby comely?Hilar.Pretty well.I’ve heard it said that if I dressed myselfIn Prince Hilarion’s clothes (supposing thisConsorted with my maiden modesty),I might be taken for Hilarion’s self.But what is this to you or me, who thinkOf all mankind with unconcealed contempt?Prin.Contempt? Why, damsel, when I think of man,Contempt is not the word!Cyril.(getting tipsy).I’m sure of that;Or, if it is, it surely should not be!Hilar.(toCyril). Be quiet, idiot, or they’ll find us out!Cyril.The Prince Hilarion’s a goodly lad!Prin.Youknow him, then?Cyril.I rather think I do!We were inseparables.Prin.Why, what’s this?You loved him then? (horrified).Cyril.We did—and do—all three!And he loves us sincerely in return!Hilar.(confused). Madam, she jests—(aside toCyril.) Remember where you are!Cyril.Jests? Not at all—why, bless my heart alive,You and Hilarion, when at the Court,Rode the same horse!Prin.Astride?Cyril.Of course—why not?Wore the same clothes—and once or twice, I thinkGot tipsy in the same good company!Prin.Well, these are nice young ladies, on my word—Cyril.(toFlorian). Don’t you remember that old laughing song,That he and we would troll in unison,At the Three Pigeons—just when daylight broke?I’ll give it you!Song,Cyril, Air—Laughing Song from “Manon Lescaut.”A young and earnest reader,Once with a special pleader,Was reading for the bar,Ha! ha! ha! ha!A budding luminary,Particularly wary,As lovers often are,Ha! ha! ha! ha!He met a lady bright, ha! ha!’Twas very late at night, ha! ha!There shone no moon nor star,Ha! ha! ha! ha!Her head lay on his shoulder,And what d’you think he told her?—You’ll never guess, I know.I scarcely like to tell you,For fear it should repel you—Come, whisper, whisper low!No! no! no! no! no! no! no! no!Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!They threaded many mazes,Of buttercups and daisies,They wandered very far,Ha! ha! ha! ha!So amiable he found her,He put his arms around her,And she opposed no bar,Ha! ha! ha! ha!He squeezed her little fin, ha! ha!He chucked her little chin, ha! ha!And christened her his star,Ha! ha! ha! ha!Her head lay on his shoulder,And what d’you think he told her?You’ll never guess, I know—I’ll hazard it and tell you,Although it may repel you—Come, whisper, whisper low!No! no! no! no! no! no! no! no!Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!(After song he lights a cigarette.)Prin.Infamous creature—get you hence away!Hilar.Dog! Here is something more to sing about! (Strikes him.)Cyril.(sobered). Hilarion—are you mad?Prin.(astonished).Hilarion? Help!Why these are men! Lost! Lost! betrayed! undone!(running on to bridge).Girls, get you hence—man-monsters, if you dareApproach one step—I—ah! (loses balance and falls.)Psyche.Oh! save her, sir!Blanche.It’s useless, sir, you’ll only catch your death.(Hilarionsprings in.)Sacha.He catches her—Melissa.And now he lets her go—Again she’s in his grasp—Psyche.And now she’s not!He seizes her back hair—Blanche.And it comes off!Psyche.No—no—she’s saved! She’s saved!She’s saved! She’s saved!(Hilarionis seen swimming with thePrincessin one arm—he swims to a bank and thePrincessand he are brought to land.)Prin.You’ve saved our lives and so have saved your own,But leave this palace—men in women’s clothes!EnterLydia, running.Why, what’s the matter now?Lydia.King Hildebrand,Holding your father captive, sends to sayThat if Hilarion suffers any harm,Your father’s life will pay the penalty,Moreover—if you do not yield yourself,According to the tenor of your oath,He will attack you ere to-morrow’s dawn—And force compliance!Prin.Will he so, indeed?We’ll teach these men a lesson. (ToHilarion.) Get you gone!You saved our lives—we thank you for it—go!Arm, Amazons! We’ll show these gentlemen,How nobly Woman vindicates her claimTo equal individuality!Arm! Arm! This is our opportunity.The threeGentlemenare thrust forth by theAmazons. Tableau.

Scene Third.—Grounds of Castle Adamant; Waterfall and Stream, crossed by rustic bridge;Girl-Studentsdiscovered grouped about the stage, occupied with philosophical instruments, &c.Ada.I shall be quite alone, dear, in my rooms,So come and spend a long, long evening—do!And bring your steam-engine!Chloe.Oh, that I will!And you shall show me all your nice new things—That quadrant—and the anemometer;And oh, that darling, darling dumpy-levelI’ve heard so much about!Lydia.My love, I seeYou’ve got another new theodolite.(aside toChloe) That’s the fifteenth this month! The one I useWent out of fashion half a year ago!Oh, I’ve a bit of scandal! What d’you think?Melissa found abillet-doux, concealedIn that Egyptian mummy we unrolledLast night. Just think of that!EnterMelissa, from, bridge, running.Melissa.I say, my dear,I have such news for you! I’ve just been shownThe robe for doctors of divinity.Oh, it’s the sweetest thing!—Magenta silk,Trimmed with chinchilla,bouillonnébehind,Gored to the figure though; and on the skirt,Two rows of Cluny lace as deep as that!Chloe.Oh my! how lovely!Melissa.Then the trencher capIs amber satin, trimmed with Cluny laceAnd rows of pearls; and round the outer edgeThe tiniest, tiniest rosebuds in the world!Ada.(toChloe). It’s much more lovely than the legal gown—Green grenadine, with rûchings down the front,That we shall wear.Chloe.(pouting).I shall give up the lawAnd go into the church! I’ve always feltA serious longing for a pastor’s life;Besides, I’m dark, and look a fright in green!Sacha.Take care, here’s Lady Blanche. How stern she looks!EnterLady Blanche,l.,Girlsstudy vigorously.Blanche.Attention, ladies, while I read to youThe Princess Ida’s list of punishments:The first is Sacharissa. She’s expelled.All.Expelled!Blanche.Expelled—because, although she knewNo man of any kind may see these halls,She dared to bring a set of chessmen here!Sacha.(in tears).I meant no harm—they’re only men of wood!Blanche.They’re men with whom you give each other mate—And that’s enough! The next is Sylvia—Sylvia.Oh!Blanche.Sylvia is rusticated for a monthBecause, in spite of all our college rulesUpon the point, she dared to put three rowsOf lace insertion round her graduate’s gown!Phyllis will lose three terms, for yesterday,When, looking through her drawing book, I foundA sketch of a perambulator!All.(shocked).Oh!Blanche.Doubleperambulator, shameless girl!That’s all at present. Now, attention please,Your principal, the Princess, comes to giveHer usual inaugural address,To those young ladies who joined yesterday.(March.—Enter thePrincess, over bridge, attended by eight “daughters of the plow.” All courtesy profoundly.)Princess.Women of Adamant—fair neophytes,Who pant for the instruction we can give,Attend, while I unfold a parable:The elephant is stronger than the man,Yet man subdues him. Why? The elephantIs elephantine everywhere but here (tapping forehead),And Man, who’s brain is to the elephant’sAs Woman’s brain to Man’s—that’s rule of three—Conquers the foolish giant of the woods,As Woman, in her turn, shall conquer Man.In mathematics Woman leads the way!The narrow-minded pedant still believesThat two and two make four! Why, we can prove—We women, household drudges as we are—That two and two make five—or three—or seven—Or five-and-twenty, as the case demands!Finance? Why, I’ve heard clever men declare,Their bankers’ balance being overdrawn,They don’t know where to turn for ready cash,Yet willfully ignoring all the whileThat remedy unfailing—draw a check!Diplomacy? The wily diplomateIs absolutely helpless in our hands:He wheedles monarchs—Woman wheedles him!Logic? Why, tyrant man himself admitsIt’s waste of time to argue with a woman!Then we excel in social qualities—Though man professes that he holds our sexIn utter scorn, I’ll undertake to sayIf you could read the secrets of his heart,He’d rather be alone with one of youThan with five hundred of his fellow-men!In all things we excel. Believing this,Five hundred maidens here have sworn to placeTheir foot upon his neck. If we succeed,We’ll treat him better than he treated us,But if we fail—oh then let hope fail too!Let no one care one penny how she looks!Let red be worn with yellow—blue with green,Crimson with scarlet—violet with blue!Let all your things misfit, and you yourselvesAt inconvenient moments come undone!Let hair-pins lose their virtue; let the hookDisdain the fascination of the eye,—The bashful button modestly evadeThe soft embraces of the button hole!Let old associations all dissolve,Let Swan secede from Edgar—Grant from Gask,Sewell from Cross—Lewis from Allenby—In other words, let Chaos come again!Who lectures in the Upper Hall to-day?Blanche.I, madam, on Abstract Philosophy.There, I propose considering at lengthThree points—the Is, the Might Be, and the Must.Whether the Is, from being actual fact,Is more important than the vague Might Be,Or the Might Be, from taking wider scope,Is, for that reason, greater than the Is,And lastly, how the Is and Might Be standCompared with the inevitable Must.Prin.The subject’s deep—how do you treat it, pray?Blanche.Madam, I take three Possibilities,And strike a balance then between the three,As thus—the Princess Ida Is our head—The Lady Psyche Might Be—Lady Blanche—Neglected Blanche—inevitably Must.Given these three hypotheses—to findThe actual betting against each of them!Come, girls![ExeuntLady BlancheandStudents.Prin.(looking after her).Ambitious fool. And do you think you canProvide this college with a head. Go, go!Provide yourself with one—you want it more!EnterLady Psyche, over bridge, conductingHilarion,Florian, andCyril.Lady P.Here is the Princess Ida’s favorite grove,And here’s the Princess. (ToPrincess.) These are ladies threeWho join our College.Hilar.(aside toCyril). Gods! how beautiful!Prin.What special study do you seek, my friend?Hilar.(enraptured). Madam, I come that I may learn to live,For, if I come not here, I die!Prin.(laughing).Indeed?Your case is desperate! We welcome you.We meet at luncheon—until then, farewell![ExitPrincess.Flori.(aside toHilarion).When Psyche sees my face, I’m confidentShe’ll recognize her brother Florian.Let’s make a virtue of necessity,And trust our secret to her gentle care. (Hilarionassents.)(aloud) Psyche! Why don’t you know me——Florian?(Psycheamazed.)Psyche.Why, Florian!Flori.My sister!Psyche.Oh, my dear,What are you doing here—and who are these?Hilar.I am that Prince Hilarion to whomYour Princess is betrothed—I come to claimHer promised love—your brother Florian, here,And Cyril—come to see me safely through.Psyche.The Prince Hilarion!—Cyril too! How strange!My earliest playfellows!Hilar.(astonished).Why let me look!Are you that learned little Psyche whoAt school alarmed her mates because she calledA buttercup “ranunculus bulbosus”?Cyril.Are you indeed that Lady Psyche, whoAt children’s parties drove the conjurer wild,Explaining all his tricks before he did them?Hilar.Are you that learned little Psyche, whoAt dinner parties brought into dessertWould tackle visitors with “you don’t knowWho first determined longitude—I do—Hipparchus ’twas,B.C.one sixty three!”Are you indeed that little Psyche then?Psyche.That small phenomenon in truth am I!But gentlemen, ’tis death to enter here—My vow will make me speak. What shall I do?This palace is a rat trap—we the bait—And you the foolish victims!Cyril.Be it so—A prisoned rat, before he dies the death,Has liberty to nibble at the bait! (kisses her).Psyche.Forbear, sir—pray—you know not what you do!We have all promised to renounce mankind.Hilar.But on what grounds do you, fair Psyche, baseThis senseless resolution?Psyche.Senseless? No!It’s based upon the grand hypothesisThat as the Ape is undeveloped Man,So Man is undeveloped Woman.Hilar.Then,This, of all others, is the place for us!EnterMelissaunperceived, at back; she listens in astonishment.If Man is only undeveloped Woman,We men, if we work very hard indeed,And do our utmost to improve ourselves—May in good timebewomen! Though I ownUp to this point (as far as I’m aware)The metamorphosis has not commenced.Melissa.(coming down). Oh, Lady Psyche!—Psyche.(startled). What—you heard us, then?Oh, all is lost!Melissa.Not so; I’ll breathe no word.(Advancing in astonishment toFlorian.)How marvelously strange! And are you then,Indeed, young men?Flori.Well, yes—just now we are;But hope, by dint of study, to become,In course of time, young women!Melissa.(eagerly).No! no! no!Oh, don’t do that! Is this indeed a man?I’ve often heard of them, but till this dayNever set eyes on one. They told me menWere hideous, idiotic, and deformed!They’re quite as beautiful as women are!(pattingFlorian’scheek)Their cheeks have not that pulpy softness whichOne gets so weary of in womankind!Their features are more marked,—and oh! their chins(feeling his chin)How curious!Flori.I fear it’s rather rough.Melissa. Oh, don’t apologize—I like it so!But I forgot; my mother, Lady Blanche,Is coming—and her eyes are very keen—She will detect you, sir!Hilar.Oh, never fear!We saw her ladyship an hour ago;She seemed to have suspicions of our sex,And showed us robes, and gave us needlework,As though to test us. Well, we did the workLike seamstresses—and named the various stuffs,As if we’d spent a full apprenticeshipAt Swan and Edgar’s!EnterLady Blanche. Exeunt the threeGentlemenwithLady Psyche.Blanche.(aside toMelissa). Here, Melissa—hush!Those are the three new students?Melissa.(confused).Yes, they are—They’re charming girls!Blanche.(sarcastically).Particularly so!So graceful, and so very womanly;So skilled in all a girl’s accomplishments!Melissa.(confused). Yes very skilled!Blanche.You stupid little fool!Awhile ago, I placed before their eyes,Some Cluny lace—they called it Valenciennes—Hemming is stitching—so at least they say—A gusset is a gore—a tuck’s a flounce—Merino’s cotton—linen’s calico—Poplin is silk, and rep is corduroy!I bade them hem a pocket handkerchief—They placed their thimbles on their forefingers!And set about their work as clumsilyAs if they had been men, in girls’ disguise!Melissa.(trembling).You surely wrong them, Mother dear, for see—(picking up a case from floor)Here is anétuidropped by one of them—Containing scissors, needles, and—Blanche.(taking it from her, and opening it). Cigars!!!Why thesearemen! And you knew this, you cat!Melissa.Oh, spare them—theyaregentlemen, indeed,The Prince Hilarion—betrothed long sinceTo Princess Ida—with two trusted friends!Consider, Mother, he’s her husband now!And has been, twenty years! Consider, too, (insidiously)You’re only second here—you should be first—Assist the Prince’s plan, and when he gainsThe Princess Ida’s hand, youwillbe first!You will design the fashions—think of that!And always serve out all the punishments!The scheme is harmless, Mother—wink at it!Blanche.The prospect’s tempting! Well, well, well, I’ll try—Though I’ve not winked at any thing for years!’Tis but one step towards my destiny—The mighty Must! Inevitable Shall![ExitLady Blanche.Melissa.Saved for a while, at least!EnterFlorian.Flori.Melissa here?Melissa.Oh, sir, you must away from this at once,My mother guessed your sex—it was my fault,I blushed and stammered so, that she exclaimed:“Can these be men” (then seeing this) “Why these—”“Are men!” she would have added, but “are men”Stuck in her throat! She keeps your secret, sir,For reasons of her own; but fly from this,And take me with you—that is—no, not that!Flori.I’ll go—but not without you. (Bell.) Why, what’s that?Melissa.The luncheon bell.Flori.I’ll wait for luncheon, then.See, here’s Hilarion with the stern Princess,And Cyril with my sister Psyche, too.EnterCyrilwithPsyche, andHilarionwithPrincess,Lady Blanche, also all the otherGirls, over bridge, bearing luncheon, which is spread. They all sit down and eat,Cyrildrinking freely.Prin.You say you know the Court of Hildebrand?There is a prince there—I forget his name.Hilar.Hilarion?Prin.Exactly. Is he well?Hilar.If it is well to droop and pine and mope—To sigh, “Oh, Ida! Ida!” all day long—“Ida! my love! my life! Oh, come to me!”—If it is well, I say, to do all this,Then Prince Hilarion is very well.Prin.He breathesourname? Well, it’s a common one!And is the booby comely?Hilar.Pretty well.I’ve heard it said that if I dressed myselfIn Prince Hilarion’s clothes (supposing thisConsorted with my maiden modesty),I might be taken for Hilarion’s self.But what is this to you or me, who thinkOf all mankind with unconcealed contempt?Prin.Contempt? Why, damsel, when I think of man,Contempt is not the word!Cyril.(getting tipsy).I’m sure of that;Or, if it is, it surely should not be!Hilar.(toCyril). Be quiet, idiot, or they’ll find us out!Cyril.The Prince Hilarion’s a goodly lad!Prin.Youknow him, then?Cyril.I rather think I do!We were inseparables.Prin.Why, what’s this?You loved him then? (horrified).Cyril.We did—and do—all three!And he loves us sincerely in return!Hilar.(confused). Madam, she jests—(aside toCyril.) Remember where you are!Cyril.Jests? Not at all—why, bless my heart alive,You and Hilarion, when at the Court,Rode the same horse!Prin.Astride?Cyril.Of course—why not?Wore the same clothes—and once or twice, I thinkGot tipsy in the same good company!Prin.Well, these are nice young ladies, on my word—Cyril.(toFlorian). Don’t you remember that old laughing song,That he and we would troll in unison,At the Three Pigeons—just when daylight broke?I’ll give it you!Song,Cyril, Air—Laughing Song from “Manon Lescaut.”A young and earnest reader,Once with a special pleader,Was reading for the bar,Ha! ha! ha! ha!A budding luminary,Particularly wary,As lovers often are,Ha! ha! ha! ha!He met a lady bright, ha! ha!’Twas very late at night, ha! ha!There shone no moon nor star,Ha! ha! ha! ha!Her head lay on his shoulder,And what d’you think he told her?—You’ll never guess, I know.I scarcely like to tell you,For fear it should repel you—Come, whisper, whisper low!No! no! no! no! no! no! no! no!Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!They threaded many mazes,Of buttercups and daisies,They wandered very far,Ha! ha! ha! ha!So amiable he found her,He put his arms around her,And she opposed no bar,Ha! ha! ha! ha!He squeezed her little fin, ha! ha!He chucked her little chin, ha! ha!And christened her his star,Ha! ha! ha! ha!Her head lay on his shoulder,And what d’you think he told her?You’ll never guess, I know—I’ll hazard it and tell you,Although it may repel you—Come, whisper, whisper low!No! no! no! no! no! no! no! no!Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!(After song he lights a cigarette.)Prin.Infamous creature—get you hence away!Hilar.Dog! Here is something more to sing about! (Strikes him.)Cyril.(sobered). Hilarion—are you mad?Prin.(astonished).Hilarion? Help!Why these are men! Lost! Lost! betrayed! undone!(running on to bridge).Girls, get you hence—man-monsters, if you dareApproach one step—I—ah! (loses balance and falls.)Psyche.Oh! save her, sir!Blanche.It’s useless, sir, you’ll only catch your death.(Hilarionsprings in.)Sacha.He catches her—Melissa.And now he lets her go—Again she’s in his grasp—Psyche.And now she’s not!He seizes her back hair—Blanche.And it comes off!Psyche.No—no—she’s saved! She’s saved!She’s saved! She’s saved!(Hilarionis seen swimming with thePrincessin one arm—he swims to a bank and thePrincessand he are brought to land.)Prin.You’ve saved our lives and so have saved your own,But leave this palace—men in women’s clothes!EnterLydia, running.Why, what’s the matter now?Lydia.King Hildebrand,Holding your father captive, sends to sayThat if Hilarion suffers any harm,Your father’s life will pay the penalty,Moreover—if you do not yield yourself,According to the tenor of your oath,He will attack you ere to-morrow’s dawn—And force compliance!Prin.Will he so, indeed?We’ll teach these men a lesson. (ToHilarion.) Get you gone!You saved our lives—we thank you for it—go!Arm, Amazons! We’ll show these gentlemen,How nobly Woman vindicates her claimTo equal individuality!Arm! Arm! This is our opportunity.The threeGentlemenare thrust forth by theAmazons. Tableau.

Scene Third.—Grounds of Castle Adamant; Waterfall and Stream, crossed by rustic bridge;Girl-Studentsdiscovered grouped about the stage, occupied with philosophical instruments, &c.Ada.I shall be quite alone, dear, in my rooms,So come and spend a long, long evening—do!And bring your steam-engine!Chloe.Oh, that I will!And you shall show me all your nice new things—That quadrant—and the anemometer;And oh, that darling, darling dumpy-levelI’ve heard so much about!Lydia.My love, I seeYou’ve got another new theodolite.(aside toChloe) That’s the fifteenth this month! The one I useWent out of fashion half a year ago!Oh, I’ve a bit of scandal! What d’you think?Melissa found abillet-doux, concealedIn that Egyptian mummy we unrolledLast night. Just think of that!EnterMelissa, from, bridge, running.Melissa.I say, my dear,I have such news for you! I’ve just been shownThe robe for doctors of divinity.Oh, it’s the sweetest thing!—Magenta silk,Trimmed with chinchilla,bouillonnébehind,Gored to the figure though; and on the skirt,Two rows of Cluny lace as deep as that!Chloe.Oh my! how lovely!Melissa.Then the trencher capIs amber satin, trimmed with Cluny laceAnd rows of pearls; and round the outer edgeThe tiniest, tiniest rosebuds in the world!Ada.(toChloe). It’s much more lovely than the legal gown—Green grenadine, with rûchings down the front,That we shall wear.Chloe.(pouting).I shall give up the lawAnd go into the church! I’ve always feltA serious longing for a pastor’s life;Besides, I’m dark, and look a fright in green!Sacha.Take care, here’s Lady Blanche. How stern she looks!EnterLady Blanche,l.,Girlsstudy vigorously.Blanche.Attention, ladies, while I read to youThe Princess Ida’s list of punishments:The first is Sacharissa. She’s expelled.All.Expelled!Blanche.Expelled—because, although she knewNo man of any kind may see these halls,She dared to bring a set of chessmen here!Sacha.(in tears).I meant no harm—they’re only men of wood!Blanche.They’re men with whom you give each other mate—And that’s enough! The next is Sylvia—Sylvia.Oh!Blanche.Sylvia is rusticated for a monthBecause, in spite of all our college rulesUpon the point, she dared to put three rowsOf lace insertion round her graduate’s gown!Phyllis will lose three terms, for yesterday,When, looking through her drawing book, I foundA sketch of a perambulator!All.(shocked).Oh!Blanche.Doubleperambulator, shameless girl!That’s all at present. Now, attention please,Your principal, the Princess, comes to giveHer usual inaugural address,To those young ladies who joined yesterday.(March.—Enter thePrincess, over bridge, attended by eight “daughters of the plow.” All courtesy profoundly.)Princess.Women of Adamant—fair neophytes,Who pant for the instruction we can give,Attend, while I unfold a parable:The elephant is stronger than the man,Yet man subdues him. Why? The elephantIs elephantine everywhere but here (tapping forehead),And Man, who’s brain is to the elephant’sAs Woman’s brain to Man’s—that’s rule of three—Conquers the foolish giant of the woods,As Woman, in her turn, shall conquer Man.In mathematics Woman leads the way!The narrow-minded pedant still believesThat two and two make four! Why, we can prove—We women, household drudges as we are—That two and two make five—or three—or seven—Or five-and-twenty, as the case demands!Finance? Why, I’ve heard clever men declare,Their bankers’ balance being overdrawn,They don’t know where to turn for ready cash,Yet willfully ignoring all the whileThat remedy unfailing—draw a check!Diplomacy? The wily diplomateIs absolutely helpless in our hands:He wheedles monarchs—Woman wheedles him!Logic? Why, tyrant man himself admitsIt’s waste of time to argue with a woman!Then we excel in social qualities—Though man professes that he holds our sexIn utter scorn, I’ll undertake to sayIf you could read the secrets of his heart,He’d rather be alone with one of youThan with five hundred of his fellow-men!In all things we excel. Believing this,Five hundred maidens here have sworn to placeTheir foot upon his neck. If we succeed,We’ll treat him better than he treated us,But if we fail—oh then let hope fail too!Let no one care one penny how she looks!Let red be worn with yellow—blue with green,Crimson with scarlet—violet with blue!Let all your things misfit, and you yourselvesAt inconvenient moments come undone!Let hair-pins lose their virtue; let the hookDisdain the fascination of the eye,—The bashful button modestly evadeThe soft embraces of the button hole!Let old associations all dissolve,Let Swan secede from Edgar—Grant from Gask,Sewell from Cross—Lewis from Allenby—In other words, let Chaos come again!Who lectures in the Upper Hall to-day?Blanche.I, madam, on Abstract Philosophy.There, I propose considering at lengthThree points—the Is, the Might Be, and the Must.Whether the Is, from being actual fact,Is more important than the vague Might Be,Or the Might Be, from taking wider scope,Is, for that reason, greater than the Is,And lastly, how the Is and Might Be standCompared with the inevitable Must.Prin.The subject’s deep—how do you treat it, pray?Blanche.Madam, I take three Possibilities,And strike a balance then between the three,As thus—the Princess Ida Is our head—The Lady Psyche Might Be—Lady Blanche—Neglected Blanche—inevitably Must.Given these three hypotheses—to findThe actual betting against each of them!Come, girls![ExeuntLady BlancheandStudents.Prin.(looking after her).Ambitious fool. And do you think you canProvide this college with a head. Go, go!Provide yourself with one—you want it more!EnterLady Psyche, over bridge, conductingHilarion,Florian, andCyril.Lady P.Here is the Princess Ida’s favorite grove,And here’s the Princess. (ToPrincess.) These are ladies threeWho join our College.Hilar.(aside toCyril). Gods! how beautiful!Prin.What special study do you seek, my friend?Hilar.(enraptured). Madam, I come that I may learn to live,For, if I come not here, I die!Prin.(laughing).Indeed?Your case is desperate! We welcome you.We meet at luncheon—until then, farewell![ExitPrincess.Flori.(aside toHilarion).When Psyche sees my face, I’m confidentShe’ll recognize her brother Florian.Let’s make a virtue of necessity,And trust our secret to her gentle care. (Hilarionassents.)(aloud) Psyche! Why don’t you know me——Florian?(Psycheamazed.)Psyche.Why, Florian!Flori.My sister!Psyche.Oh, my dear,What are you doing here—and who are these?Hilar.I am that Prince Hilarion to whomYour Princess is betrothed—I come to claimHer promised love—your brother Florian, here,And Cyril—come to see me safely through.Psyche.The Prince Hilarion!—Cyril too! How strange!My earliest playfellows!Hilar.(astonished).Why let me look!Are you that learned little Psyche whoAt school alarmed her mates because she calledA buttercup “ranunculus bulbosus”?Cyril.Are you indeed that Lady Psyche, whoAt children’s parties drove the conjurer wild,Explaining all his tricks before he did them?Hilar.Are you that learned little Psyche, whoAt dinner parties brought into dessertWould tackle visitors with “you don’t knowWho first determined longitude—I do—Hipparchus ’twas,B.C.one sixty three!”Are you indeed that little Psyche then?Psyche.That small phenomenon in truth am I!But gentlemen, ’tis death to enter here—My vow will make me speak. What shall I do?This palace is a rat trap—we the bait—And you the foolish victims!Cyril.Be it so—A prisoned rat, before he dies the death,Has liberty to nibble at the bait! (kisses her).Psyche.Forbear, sir—pray—you know not what you do!We have all promised to renounce mankind.Hilar.But on what grounds do you, fair Psyche, baseThis senseless resolution?Psyche.Senseless? No!It’s based upon the grand hypothesisThat as the Ape is undeveloped Man,So Man is undeveloped Woman.Hilar.Then,This, of all others, is the place for us!EnterMelissaunperceived, at back; she listens in astonishment.If Man is only undeveloped Woman,We men, if we work very hard indeed,And do our utmost to improve ourselves—May in good timebewomen! Though I ownUp to this point (as far as I’m aware)The metamorphosis has not commenced.Melissa.(coming down). Oh, Lady Psyche!—Psyche.(startled). What—you heard us, then?Oh, all is lost!Melissa.Not so; I’ll breathe no word.(Advancing in astonishment toFlorian.)How marvelously strange! And are you then,Indeed, young men?Flori.Well, yes—just now we are;But hope, by dint of study, to become,In course of time, young women!Melissa.(eagerly).No! no! no!Oh, don’t do that! Is this indeed a man?I’ve often heard of them, but till this dayNever set eyes on one. They told me menWere hideous, idiotic, and deformed!They’re quite as beautiful as women are!(pattingFlorian’scheek)Their cheeks have not that pulpy softness whichOne gets so weary of in womankind!Their features are more marked,—and oh! their chins(feeling his chin)How curious!Flori.I fear it’s rather rough.Melissa. Oh, don’t apologize—I like it so!But I forgot; my mother, Lady Blanche,Is coming—and her eyes are very keen—She will detect you, sir!Hilar.Oh, never fear!We saw her ladyship an hour ago;She seemed to have suspicions of our sex,And showed us robes, and gave us needlework,As though to test us. Well, we did the workLike seamstresses—and named the various stuffs,As if we’d spent a full apprenticeshipAt Swan and Edgar’s!EnterLady Blanche. Exeunt the threeGentlemenwithLady Psyche.Blanche.(aside toMelissa). Here, Melissa—hush!Those are the three new students?Melissa.(confused).Yes, they are—They’re charming girls!Blanche.(sarcastically).Particularly so!So graceful, and so very womanly;So skilled in all a girl’s accomplishments!Melissa.(confused). Yes very skilled!Blanche.You stupid little fool!Awhile ago, I placed before their eyes,Some Cluny lace—they called it Valenciennes—Hemming is stitching—so at least they say—A gusset is a gore—a tuck’s a flounce—Merino’s cotton—linen’s calico—Poplin is silk, and rep is corduroy!I bade them hem a pocket handkerchief—They placed their thimbles on their forefingers!And set about their work as clumsilyAs if they had been men, in girls’ disguise!Melissa.(trembling).You surely wrong them, Mother dear, for see—(picking up a case from floor)Here is anétuidropped by one of them—Containing scissors, needles, and—Blanche.(taking it from her, and opening it). Cigars!!!Why thesearemen! And you knew this, you cat!Melissa.Oh, spare them—theyaregentlemen, indeed,The Prince Hilarion—betrothed long sinceTo Princess Ida—with two trusted friends!Consider, Mother, he’s her husband now!And has been, twenty years! Consider, too, (insidiously)You’re only second here—you should be first—Assist the Prince’s plan, and when he gainsThe Princess Ida’s hand, youwillbe first!You will design the fashions—think of that!And always serve out all the punishments!The scheme is harmless, Mother—wink at it!Blanche.The prospect’s tempting! Well, well, well, I’ll try—Though I’ve not winked at any thing for years!’Tis but one step towards my destiny—The mighty Must! Inevitable Shall![ExitLady Blanche.Melissa.Saved for a while, at least!EnterFlorian.Flori.Melissa here?Melissa.Oh, sir, you must away from this at once,My mother guessed your sex—it was my fault,I blushed and stammered so, that she exclaimed:“Can these be men” (then seeing this) “Why these—”“Are men!” she would have added, but “are men”Stuck in her throat! She keeps your secret, sir,For reasons of her own; but fly from this,And take me with you—that is—no, not that!Flori.I’ll go—but not without you. (Bell.) Why, what’s that?Melissa.The luncheon bell.Flori.I’ll wait for luncheon, then.See, here’s Hilarion with the stern Princess,And Cyril with my sister Psyche, too.EnterCyrilwithPsyche, andHilarionwithPrincess,Lady Blanche, also all the otherGirls, over bridge, bearing luncheon, which is spread. They all sit down and eat,Cyrildrinking freely.Prin.You say you know the Court of Hildebrand?There is a prince there—I forget his name.Hilar.Hilarion?Prin.Exactly. Is he well?Hilar.If it is well to droop and pine and mope—To sigh, “Oh, Ida! Ida!” all day long—“Ida! my love! my life! Oh, come to me!”—If it is well, I say, to do all this,Then Prince Hilarion is very well.Prin.He breathesourname? Well, it’s a common one!And is the booby comely?Hilar.Pretty well.I’ve heard it said that if I dressed myselfIn Prince Hilarion’s clothes (supposing thisConsorted with my maiden modesty),I might be taken for Hilarion’s self.But what is this to you or me, who thinkOf all mankind with unconcealed contempt?Prin.Contempt? Why, damsel, when I think of man,Contempt is not the word!Cyril.(getting tipsy).I’m sure of that;Or, if it is, it surely should not be!Hilar.(toCyril). Be quiet, idiot, or they’ll find us out!Cyril.The Prince Hilarion’s a goodly lad!Prin.Youknow him, then?Cyril.I rather think I do!We were inseparables.Prin.Why, what’s this?You loved him then? (horrified).Cyril.We did—and do—all three!And he loves us sincerely in return!Hilar.(confused). Madam, she jests—(aside toCyril.) Remember where you are!Cyril.Jests? Not at all—why, bless my heart alive,You and Hilarion, when at the Court,Rode the same horse!Prin.Astride?Cyril.Of course—why not?Wore the same clothes—and once or twice, I thinkGot tipsy in the same good company!Prin.Well, these are nice young ladies, on my word—Cyril.(toFlorian). Don’t you remember that old laughing song,That he and we would troll in unison,At the Three Pigeons—just when daylight broke?I’ll give it you!Song,Cyril, Air—Laughing Song from “Manon Lescaut.”A young and earnest reader,Once with a special pleader,Was reading for the bar,Ha! ha! ha! ha!A budding luminary,Particularly wary,As lovers often are,Ha! ha! ha! ha!He met a lady bright, ha! ha!’Twas very late at night, ha! ha!There shone no moon nor star,Ha! ha! ha! ha!Her head lay on his shoulder,And what d’you think he told her?—You’ll never guess, I know.I scarcely like to tell you,For fear it should repel you—Come, whisper, whisper low!No! no! no! no! no! no! no! no!Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!They threaded many mazes,Of buttercups and daisies,They wandered very far,Ha! ha! ha! ha!So amiable he found her,He put his arms around her,And she opposed no bar,Ha! ha! ha! ha!He squeezed her little fin, ha! ha!He chucked her little chin, ha! ha!And christened her his star,Ha! ha! ha! ha!Her head lay on his shoulder,And what d’you think he told her?You’ll never guess, I know—I’ll hazard it and tell you,Although it may repel you—Come, whisper, whisper low!No! no! no! no! no! no! no! no!Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!(After song he lights a cigarette.)Prin.Infamous creature—get you hence away!Hilar.Dog! Here is something more to sing about! (Strikes him.)Cyril.(sobered). Hilarion—are you mad?Prin.(astonished).Hilarion? Help!Why these are men! Lost! Lost! betrayed! undone!(running on to bridge).Girls, get you hence—man-monsters, if you dareApproach one step—I—ah! (loses balance and falls.)Psyche.Oh! save her, sir!Blanche.It’s useless, sir, you’ll only catch your death.(Hilarionsprings in.)Sacha.He catches her—Melissa.And now he lets her go—Again she’s in his grasp—Psyche.And now she’s not!He seizes her back hair—Blanche.And it comes off!Psyche.No—no—she’s saved! She’s saved!She’s saved! She’s saved!(Hilarionis seen swimming with thePrincessin one arm—he swims to a bank and thePrincessand he are brought to land.)Prin.You’ve saved our lives and so have saved your own,But leave this palace—men in women’s clothes!EnterLydia, running.Why, what’s the matter now?Lydia.King Hildebrand,Holding your father captive, sends to sayThat if Hilarion suffers any harm,Your father’s life will pay the penalty,Moreover—if you do not yield yourself,According to the tenor of your oath,He will attack you ere to-morrow’s dawn—And force compliance!Prin.Will he so, indeed?We’ll teach these men a lesson. (ToHilarion.) Get you gone!You saved our lives—we thank you for it—go!Arm, Amazons! We’ll show these gentlemen,How nobly Woman vindicates her claimTo equal individuality!Arm! Arm! This is our opportunity.The threeGentlemenare thrust forth by theAmazons. Tableau.

Scene Third.—Grounds of Castle Adamant; Waterfall and Stream, crossed by rustic bridge;Girl-Studentsdiscovered grouped about the stage, occupied with philosophical instruments, &c.

Ada.I shall be quite alone, dear, in my rooms,So come and spend a long, long evening—do!And bring your steam-engine!

Ada.I shall be quite alone, dear, in my rooms,

So come and spend a long, long evening—do!

And bring your steam-engine!

Chloe.Oh, that I will!And you shall show me all your nice new things—That quadrant—and the anemometer;And oh, that darling, darling dumpy-levelI’ve heard so much about!

Chloe.Oh, that I will!

And you shall show me all your nice new things—

That quadrant—and the anemometer;

And oh, that darling, darling dumpy-level

I’ve heard so much about!

Lydia.My love, I seeYou’ve got another new theodolite.(aside toChloe) That’s the fifteenth this month! The one I useWent out of fashion half a year ago!Oh, I’ve a bit of scandal! What d’you think?Melissa found abillet-doux, concealedIn that Egyptian mummy we unrolledLast night. Just think of that!

Lydia.My love, I see

You’ve got another new theodolite.

(aside toChloe) That’s the fifteenth this month! The one I use

Went out of fashion half a year ago!

Oh, I’ve a bit of scandal! What d’you think?

Melissa found abillet-doux, concealed

In that Egyptian mummy we unrolled

Last night. Just think of that!

EnterMelissa, from, bridge, running.

Melissa.I say, my dear,I have such news for you! I’ve just been shownThe robe for doctors of divinity.Oh, it’s the sweetest thing!—Magenta silk,Trimmed with chinchilla,bouillonnébehind,Gored to the figure though; and on the skirt,Two rows of Cluny lace as deep as that!

Melissa.I say, my dear,

I have such news for you! I’ve just been shown

The robe for doctors of divinity.

Oh, it’s the sweetest thing!—Magenta silk,

Trimmed with chinchilla,bouillonnébehind,

Gored to the figure though; and on the skirt,

Two rows of Cluny lace as deep as that!

Chloe.Oh my! how lovely!

Chloe.Oh my! how lovely!

Melissa.Then the trencher capIs amber satin, trimmed with Cluny laceAnd rows of pearls; and round the outer edgeThe tiniest, tiniest rosebuds in the world!

Melissa.Then the trencher cap

Is amber satin, trimmed with Cluny lace

And rows of pearls; and round the outer edge

The tiniest, tiniest rosebuds in the world!

Ada.(toChloe). It’s much more lovely than the legal gown—Green grenadine, with rûchings down the front,That we shall wear.

Ada.(toChloe). It’s much more lovely than the legal gown—

Green grenadine, with rûchings down the front,

That we shall wear.

Chloe.(pouting).I shall give up the lawAnd go into the church! I’ve always feltA serious longing for a pastor’s life;Besides, I’m dark, and look a fright in green!

Chloe.(pouting).I shall give up the law

And go into the church! I’ve always felt

A serious longing for a pastor’s life;

Besides, I’m dark, and look a fright in green!

Sacha.Take care, here’s Lady Blanche. How stern she looks!

Sacha.Take care, here’s Lady Blanche. How stern she looks!

EnterLady Blanche,l.,Girlsstudy vigorously.

Blanche.Attention, ladies, while I read to youThe Princess Ida’s list of punishments:The first is Sacharissa. She’s expelled.

Blanche.Attention, ladies, while I read to you

The Princess Ida’s list of punishments:

The first is Sacharissa. She’s expelled.

All.Expelled!

All.Expelled!

Blanche.Expelled—because, although she knewNo man of any kind may see these halls,She dared to bring a set of chessmen here!

Blanche.Expelled—because, although she knew

No man of any kind may see these halls,

She dared to bring a set of chessmen here!

Sacha.(in tears).I meant no harm—they’re only men of wood!

Sacha.(in tears).

I meant no harm—they’re only men of wood!

Blanche.They’re men with whom you give each other mate—And that’s enough! The next is Sylvia—

Blanche.They’re men with whom you give each other mate—

And that’s enough! The next is Sylvia—

Sylvia.Oh!

Sylvia.Oh!

Blanche.Sylvia is rusticated for a monthBecause, in spite of all our college rulesUpon the point, she dared to put three rowsOf lace insertion round her graduate’s gown!Phyllis will lose three terms, for yesterday,When, looking through her drawing book, I foundA sketch of a perambulator!

Blanche.Sylvia is rusticated for a month

Because, in spite of all our college rules

Upon the point, she dared to put three rows

Of lace insertion round her graduate’s gown!

Phyllis will lose three terms, for yesterday,

When, looking through her drawing book, I found

A sketch of a perambulator!

All.(shocked).Oh!

All.(shocked).Oh!

Blanche.Doubleperambulator, shameless girl!That’s all at present. Now, attention please,Your principal, the Princess, comes to giveHer usual inaugural address,To those young ladies who joined yesterday.

Blanche.Doubleperambulator, shameless girl!

That’s all at present. Now, attention please,

Your principal, the Princess, comes to give

Her usual inaugural address,

To those young ladies who joined yesterday.

(March.—Enter thePrincess, over bridge, attended by eight “daughters of the plow.” All courtesy profoundly.)

Princess.Women of Adamant—fair neophytes,Who pant for the instruction we can give,Attend, while I unfold a parable:The elephant is stronger than the man,Yet man subdues him. Why? The elephantIs elephantine everywhere but here (tapping forehead),And Man, who’s brain is to the elephant’sAs Woman’s brain to Man’s—that’s rule of three—Conquers the foolish giant of the woods,As Woman, in her turn, shall conquer Man.In mathematics Woman leads the way!The narrow-minded pedant still believesThat two and two make four! Why, we can prove—We women, household drudges as we are—That two and two make five—or three—or seven—Or five-and-twenty, as the case demands!Finance? Why, I’ve heard clever men declare,Their bankers’ balance being overdrawn,They don’t know where to turn for ready cash,Yet willfully ignoring all the whileThat remedy unfailing—draw a check!Diplomacy? The wily diplomateIs absolutely helpless in our hands:He wheedles monarchs—Woman wheedles him!Logic? Why, tyrant man himself admitsIt’s waste of time to argue with a woman!Then we excel in social qualities—Though man professes that he holds our sexIn utter scorn, I’ll undertake to sayIf you could read the secrets of his heart,He’d rather be alone with one of youThan with five hundred of his fellow-men!In all things we excel. Believing this,Five hundred maidens here have sworn to placeTheir foot upon his neck. If we succeed,We’ll treat him better than he treated us,But if we fail—oh then let hope fail too!Let no one care one penny how she looks!Let red be worn with yellow—blue with green,Crimson with scarlet—violet with blue!Let all your things misfit, and you yourselvesAt inconvenient moments come undone!Let hair-pins lose their virtue; let the hookDisdain the fascination of the eye,—The bashful button modestly evadeThe soft embraces of the button hole!Let old associations all dissolve,Let Swan secede from Edgar—Grant from Gask,Sewell from Cross—Lewis from Allenby—In other words, let Chaos come again!Who lectures in the Upper Hall to-day?

Princess.Women of Adamant—fair neophytes,

Who pant for the instruction we can give,

Attend, while I unfold a parable:

The elephant is stronger than the man,

Yet man subdues him. Why? The elephant

Is elephantine everywhere but here (tapping forehead),

And Man, who’s brain is to the elephant’s

As Woman’s brain to Man’s—that’s rule of three—

Conquers the foolish giant of the woods,

As Woman, in her turn, shall conquer Man.

In mathematics Woman leads the way!

The narrow-minded pedant still believes

That two and two make four! Why, we can prove—

We women, household drudges as we are—

That two and two make five—or three—or seven—

Or five-and-twenty, as the case demands!

Finance? Why, I’ve heard clever men declare,

Their bankers’ balance being overdrawn,

They don’t know where to turn for ready cash,

Yet willfully ignoring all the while

That remedy unfailing—draw a check!

Diplomacy? The wily diplomate

Is absolutely helpless in our hands:

He wheedles monarchs—Woman wheedles him!

Logic? Why, tyrant man himself admits

It’s waste of time to argue with a woman!

Then we excel in social qualities—

Though man professes that he holds our sex

In utter scorn, I’ll undertake to say

If you could read the secrets of his heart,

He’d rather be alone with one of you

Than with five hundred of his fellow-men!

In all things we excel. Believing this,

Five hundred maidens here have sworn to place

Their foot upon his neck. If we succeed,

We’ll treat him better than he treated us,

But if we fail—oh then let hope fail too!

Let no one care one penny how she looks!

Let red be worn with yellow—blue with green,

Crimson with scarlet—violet with blue!

Let all your things misfit, and you yourselves

At inconvenient moments come undone!

Let hair-pins lose their virtue; let the hook

Disdain the fascination of the eye,—

The bashful button modestly evade

The soft embraces of the button hole!

Let old associations all dissolve,

Let Swan secede from Edgar—Grant from Gask,

Sewell from Cross—Lewis from Allenby—

In other words, let Chaos come again!

Who lectures in the Upper Hall to-day?

Blanche.I, madam, on Abstract Philosophy.There, I propose considering at lengthThree points—the Is, the Might Be, and the Must.Whether the Is, from being actual fact,Is more important than the vague Might Be,Or the Might Be, from taking wider scope,Is, for that reason, greater than the Is,And lastly, how the Is and Might Be standCompared with the inevitable Must.

Blanche.I, madam, on Abstract Philosophy.

There, I propose considering at length

Three points—the Is, the Might Be, and the Must.

Whether the Is, from being actual fact,

Is more important than the vague Might Be,

Or the Might Be, from taking wider scope,

Is, for that reason, greater than the Is,

And lastly, how the Is and Might Be stand

Compared with the inevitable Must.

Prin.The subject’s deep—how do you treat it, pray?

Prin.The subject’s deep—how do you treat it, pray?

Blanche.Madam, I take three Possibilities,And strike a balance then between the three,As thus—the Princess Ida Is our head—The Lady Psyche Might Be—Lady Blanche—Neglected Blanche—inevitably Must.Given these three hypotheses—to findThe actual betting against each of them!Come, girls![ExeuntLady BlancheandStudents.

Blanche.Madam, I take three Possibilities,

And strike a balance then between the three,

As thus—the Princess Ida Is our head—

The Lady Psyche Might Be—Lady Blanche—

Neglected Blanche—inevitably Must.

Given these three hypotheses—to find

The actual betting against each of them!

Come, girls!

[ExeuntLady BlancheandStudents.

Prin.(looking after her).Ambitious fool. And do you think you canProvide this college with a head. Go, go!Provide yourself with one—you want it more!

Prin.(looking after her).

Ambitious fool. And do you think you can

Provide this college with a head. Go, go!

Provide yourself with one—you want it more!

EnterLady Psyche, over bridge, conductingHilarion,Florian, andCyril.

Lady P.Here is the Princess Ida’s favorite grove,And here’s the Princess. (ToPrincess.) These are ladies threeWho join our College.

Lady P.Here is the Princess Ida’s favorite grove,

And here’s the Princess. (ToPrincess.) These are ladies three

Who join our College.

Hilar.(aside toCyril). Gods! how beautiful!

Hilar.(aside toCyril). Gods! how beautiful!

Prin.What special study do you seek, my friend?

Prin.What special study do you seek, my friend?

Hilar.(enraptured). Madam, I come that I may learn to live,For, if I come not here, I die!

Hilar.(enraptured). Madam, I come that I may learn to live,

For, if I come not here, I die!

Prin.(laughing).Indeed?Your case is desperate! We welcome you.We meet at luncheon—until then, farewell![ExitPrincess.

Prin.(laughing).Indeed?

Your case is desperate! We welcome you.

We meet at luncheon—until then, farewell!

[ExitPrincess.

Flori.(aside toHilarion).When Psyche sees my face, I’m confidentShe’ll recognize her brother Florian.Let’s make a virtue of necessity,And trust our secret to her gentle care. (Hilarionassents.)(aloud) Psyche! Why don’t you know me——Florian?(Psycheamazed.)

Flori.(aside toHilarion).

When Psyche sees my face, I’m confident

She’ll recognize her brother Florian.

Let’s make a virtue of necessity,

And trust our secret to her gentle care. (Hilarionassents.)

(aloud) Psyche! Why don’t you know me——Florian?

(Psycheamazed.)

Psyche.Why, Florian!

Psyche.Why, Florian!

Flori.My sister!

Flori.My sister!

Psyche.Oh, my dear,What are you doing here—and who are these?

Psyche.Oh, my dear,

What are you doing here—and who are these?

Hilar.I am that Prince Hilarion to whomYour Princess is betrothed—I come to claimHer promised love—your brother Florian, here,And Cyril—come to see me safely through.

Hilar.I am that Prince Hilarion to whom

Your Princess is betrothed—I come to claim

Her promised love—your brother Florian, here,

And Cyril—come to see me safely through.

Psyche.The Prince Hilarion!—Cyril too! How strange!My earliest playfellows!

Psyche.The Prince Hilarion!—Cyril too! How strange!

My earliest playfellows!

Hilar.(astonished).Why let me look!Are you that learned little Psyche whoAt school alarmed her mates because she calledA buttercup “ranunculus bulbosus”?

Hilar.(astonished).Why let me look!

Are you that learned little Psyche who

At school alarmed her mates because she called

A buttercup “ranunculus bulbosus”?

Cyril.Are you indeed that Lady Psyche, whoAt children’s parties drove the conjurer wild,Explaining all his tricks before he did them?

Cyril.Are you indeed that Lady Psyche, who

At children’s parties drove the conjurer wild,

Explaining all his tricks before he did them?

Hilar.Are you that learned little Psyche, whoAt dinner parties brought into dessertWould tackle visitors with “you don’t knowWho first determined longitude—I do—Hipparchus ’twas,B.C.one sixty three!”Are you indeed that little Psyche then?

Hilar.Are you that learned little Psyche, who

At dinner parties brought into dessert

Would tackle visitors with “you don’t know

Who first determined longitude—I do—

Hipparchus ’twas,B.C.one sixty three!”

Are you indeed that little Psyche then?

Psyche.That small phenomenon in truth am I!But gentlemen, ’tis death to enter here—My vow will make me speak. What shall I do?This palace is a rat trap—we the bait—And you the foolish victims!

Psyche.That small phenomenon in truth am I!

But gentlemen, ’tis death to enter here—

My vow will make me speak. What shall I do?

This palace is a rat trap—we the bait—

And you the foolish victims!

Cyril.Be it so—A prisoned rat, before he dies the death,Has liberty to nibble at the bait! (kisses her).

Cyril.Be it so—

A prisoned rat, before he dies the death,

Has liberty to nibble at the bait! (kisses her).

Psyche.Forbear, sir—pray—you know not what you do!We have all promised to renounce mankind.

Psyche.Forbear, sir—pray—you know not what you do!

We have all promised to renounce mankind.

Hilar.But on what grounds do you, fair Psyche, baseThis senseless resolution?

Hilar.But on what grounds do you, fair Psyche, base

This senseless resolution?

Psyche.Senseless? No!It’s based upon the grand hypothesisThat as the Ape is undeveloped Man,So Man is undeveloped Woman.

Psyche.Senseless? No!

It’s based upon the grand hypothesis

That as the Ape is undeveloped Man,

So Man is undeveloped Woman.

Hilar.Then,This, of all others, is the place for us!

Hilar.Then,

This, of all others, is the place for us!

EnterMelissaunperceived, at back; she listens in astonishment.

If Man is only undeveloped Woman,We men, if we work very hard indeed,And do our utmost to improve ourselves—May in good timebewomen! Though I ownUp to this point (as far as I’m aware)The metamorphosis has not commenced.

If Man is only undeveloped Woman,

We men, if we work very hard indeed,

And do our utmost to improve ourselves—

May in good timebewomen! Though I own

Up to this point (as far as I’m aware)

The metamorphosis has not commenced.

Melissa.(coming down). Oh, Lady Psyche!—

Melissa.(coming down). Oh, Lady Psyche!—

Psyche.(startled). What—you heard us, then?Oh, all is lost!

Psyche.(startled). What—you heard us, then?

Oh, all is lost!

Melissa.Not so; I’ll breathe no word.(Advancing in astonishment toFlorian.)How marvelously strange! And are you then,Indeed, young men?

Melissa.Not so; I’ll breathe no word.

(Advancing in astonishment toFlorian.)

How marvelously strange! And are you then,

Indeed, young men?

Flori.Well, yes—just now we are;But hope, by dint of study, to become,In course of time, young women!

Flori.Well, yes—just now we are;

But hope, by dint of study, to become,

In course of time, young women!

Melissa.(eagerly).No! no! no!Oh, don’t do that! Is this indeed a man?I’ve often heard of them, but till this dayNever set eyes on one. They told me menWere hideous, idiotic, and deformed!They’re quite as beautiful as women are!(pattingFlorian’scheek)Their cheeks have not that pulpy softness whichOne gets so weary of in womankind!Their features are more marked,—and oh! their chins(feeling his chin)How curious!

Melissa.(eagerly).No! no! no!

Oh, don’t do that! Is this indeed a man?

I’ve often heard of them, but till this day

Never set eyes on one. They told me men

Were hideous, idiotic, and deformed!

They’re quite as beautiful as women are!

(pattingFlorian’scheek)

Their cheeks have not that pulpy softness which

One gets so weary of in womankind!

Their features are more marked,—and oh! their chins

(feeling his chin)

How curious!

Flori.I fear it’s rather rough.

Flori.I fear it’s rather rough.

Melissa. Oh, don’t apologize—I like it so!But I forgot; my mother, Lady Blanche,Is coming—and her eyes are very keen—She will detect you, sir!

Melissa. Oh, don’t apologize—I like it so!

But I forgot; my mother, Lady Blanche,

Is coming—and her eyes are very keen—

She will detect you, sir!

Hilar.Oh, never fear!We saw her ladyship an hour ago;She seemed to have suspicions of our sex,And showed us robes, and gave us needlework,As though to test us. Well, we did the workLike seamstresses—and named the various stuffs,As if we’d spent a full apprenticeshipAt Swan and Edgar’s!

Hilar.Oh, never fear!

We saw her ladyship an hour ago;

She seemed to have suspicions of our sex,

And showed us robes, and gave us needlework,

As though to test us. Well, we did the work

Like seamstresses—and named the various stuffs,

As if we’d spent a full apprenticeship

At Swan and Edgar’s!

EnterLady Blanche. Exeunt the threeGentlemenwithLady Psyche.

Blanche.(aside toMelissa). Here, Melissa—hush!Those are the three new students?

Blanche.(aside toMelissa). Here, Melissa—hush!

Those are the three new students?

Melissa.(confused).Yes, they are—They’re charming girls!

Melissa.(confused).Yes, they are—

They’re charming girls!

Blanche.(sarcastically).Particularly so!So graceful, and so very womanly;So skilled in all a girl’s accomplishments!

Blanche.(sarcastically).Particularly so!

So graceful, and so very womanly;

So skilled in all a girl’s accomplishments!

Melissa.(confused). Yes very skilled!

Melissa.(confused). Yes very skilled!

Blanche.You stupid little fool!Awhile ago, I placed before their eyes,Some Cluny lace—they called it Valenciennes—Hemming is stitching—so at least they say—A gusset is a gore—a tuck’s a flounce—Merino’s cotton—linen’s calico—Poplin is silk, and rep is corduroy!I bade them hem a pocket handkerchief—They placed their thimbles on their forefingers!And set about their work as clumsilyAs if they had been men, in girls’ disguise!

Blanche.You stupid little fool!

Awhile ago, I placed before their eyes,

Some Cluny lace—they called it Valenciennes—

Hemming is stitching—so at least they say—

A gusset is a gore—a tuck’s a flounce—

Merino’s cotton—linen’s calico—

Poplin is silk, and rep is corduroy!

I bade them hem a pocket handkerchief—

They placed their thimbles on their forefingers!

And set about their work as clumsily

As if they had been men, in girls’ disguise!

Melissa.(trembling).You surely wrong them, Mother dear, for see—(picking up a case from floor)Here is anétuidropped by one of them—Containing scissors, needles, and—

Melissa.(trembling).

You surely wrong them, Mother dear, for see—

(picking up a case from floor)

Here is anétuidropped by one of them—

Containing scissors, needles, and—

Blanche.(taking it from her, and opening it). Cigars!!!Why thesearemen! And you knew this, you cat!

Blanche.(taking it from her, and opening it). Cigars!!!

Why thesearemen! And you knew this, you cat!

Melissa.Oh, spare them—theyaregentlemen, indeed,The Prince Hilarion—betrothed long sinceTo Princess Ida—with two trusted friends!Consider, Mother, he’s her husband now!And has been, twenty years! Consider, too, (insidiously)You’re only second here—you should be first—Assist the Prince’s plan, and when he gainsThe Princess Ida’s hand, youwillbe first!You will design the fashions—think of that!And always serve out all the punishments!The scheme is harmless, Mother—wink at it!

Melissa.Oh, spare them—theyaregentlemen, indeed,

The Prince Hilarion—betrothed long since

To Princess Ida—with two trusted friends!

Consider, Mother, he’s her husband now!

And has been, twenty years! Consider, too, (insidiously)

You’re only second here—you should be first—

Assist the Prince’s plan, and when he gains

The Princess Ida’s hand, youwillbe first!

You will design the fashions—think of that!

And always serve out all the punishments!

The scheme is harmless, Mother—wink at it!

Blanche.The prospect’s tempting! Well, well, well, I’ll try—Though I’ve not winked at any thing for years!’Tis but one step towards my destiny—The mighty Must! Inevitable Shall![ExitLady Blanche.

Blanche.The prospect’s tempting! Well, well, well, I’ll try—

Though I’ve not winked at any thing for years!

’Tis but one step towards my destiny—

The mighty Must! Inevitable Shall!

[ExitLady Blanche.

Melissa.Saved for a while, at least!

Melissa.Saved for a while, at least!

EnterFlorian.

Flori.Melissa here?

Flori.Melissa here?

Melissa.Oh, sir, you must away from this at once,My mother guessed your sex—it was my fault,I blushed and stammered so, that she exclaimed:“Can these be men” (then seeing this) “Why these—”“Are men!” she would have added, but “are men”Stuck in her throat! She keeps your secret, sir,For reasons of her own; but fly from this,And take me with you—that is—no, not that!

Melissa.Oh, sir, you must away from this at once,

My mother guessed your sex—it was my fault,

I blushed and stammered so, that she exclaimed:

“Can these be men” (then seeing this) “Why these—”

“Are men!” she would have added, but “are men”

Stuck in her throat! She keeps your secret, sir,

For reasons of her own; but fly from this,

And take me with you—that is—no, not that!

Flori.I’ll go—but not without you. (Bell.) Why, what’s that?

Flori.I’ll go—but not without you. (Bell.) Why, what’s that?

Melissa.The luncheon bell.

Melissa.The luncheon bell.

Flori.I’ll wait for luncheon, then.See, here’s Hilarion with the stern Princess,And Cyril with my sister Psyche, too.

Flori.I’ll wait for luncheon, then.

See, here’s Hilarion with the stern Princess,

And Cyril with my sister Psyche, too.

EnterCyrilwithPsyche, andHilarionwithPrincess,Lady Blanche, also all the otherGirls, over bridge, bearing luncheon, which is spread. They all sit down and eat,Cyrildrinking freely.

Prin.You say you know the Court of Hildebrand?There is a prince there—I forget his name.

Prin.You say you know the Court of Hildebrand?

There is a prince there—I forget his name.

Hilar.Hilarion?

Hilar.Hilarion?

Prin.Exactly. Is he well?

Prin.Exactly. Is he well?

Hilar.If it is well to droop and pine and mope—To sigh, “Oh, Ida! Ida!” all day long—“Ida! my love! my life! Oh, come to me!”—If it is well, I say, to do all this,Then Prince Hilarion is very well.

Hilar.If it is well to droop and pine and mope—

To sigh, “Oh, Ida! Ida!” all day long—

“Ida! my love! my life! Oh, come to me!”—

If it is well, I say, to do all this,

Then Prince Hilarion is very well.

Prin.He breathesourname? Well, it’s a common one!And is the booby comely?

Prin.He breathesourname? Well, it’s a common one!

And is the booby comely?

Hilar.Pretty well.I’ve heard it said that if I dressed myselfIn Prince Hilarion’s clothes (supposing thisConsorted with my maiden modesty),I might be taken for Hilarion’s self.But what is this to you or me, who thinkOf all mankind with unconcealed contempt?

Hilar.Pretty well.

I’ve heard it said that if I dressed myself

In Prince Hilarion’s clothes (supposing this

Consorted with my maiden modesty),

I might be taken for Hilarion’s self.

But what is this to you or me, who think

Of all mankind with unconcealed contempt?

Prin.Contempt? Why, damsel, when I think of man,Contempt is not the word!

Prin.Contempt? Why, damsel, when I think of man,

Contempt is not the word!

Cyril.(getting tipsy).I’m sure of that;Or, if it is, it surely should not be!

Cyril.(getting tipsy).I’m sure of that;

Or, if it is, it surely should not be!

Hilar.(toCyril). Be quiet, idiot, or they’ll find us out!

Hilar.(toCyril). Be quiet, idiot, or they’ll find us out!

Cyril.The Prince Hilarion’s a goodly lad!

Cyril.The Prince Hilarion’s a goodly lad!

Prin.Youknow him, then?

Prin.Youknow him, then?

Cyril.I rather think I do!We were inseparables.

Cyril.I rather think I do!

We were inseparables.

Prin.Why, what’s this?You loved him then? (horrified).

Prin.Why, what’s this?

You loved him then? (horrified).

Cyril.We did—and do—all three!And he loves us sincerely in return!

Cyril.We did—and do—all three!

And he loves us sincerely in return!

Hilar.(confused). Madam, she jests—(aside toCyril.) Remember where you are!

Hilar.(confused). Madam, she jests—

(aside toCyril.) Remember where you are!

Cyril.Jests? Not at all—why, bless my heart alive,You and Hilarion, when at the Court,Rode the same horse!

Cyril.Jests? Not at all—why, bless my heart alive,

You and Hilarion, when at the Court,

Rode the same horse!

Prin.Astride?

Prin.Astride?

Cyril.Of course—why not?Wore the same clothes—and once or twice, I thinkGot tipsy in the same good company!

Cyril.Of course—why not?

Wore the same clothes—and once or twice, I think

Got tipsy in the same good company!

Prin.Well, these are nice young ladies, on my word—

Prin.Well, these are nice young ladies, on my word—

Cyril.(toFlorian). Don’t you remember that old laughing song,That he and we would troll in unison,At the Three Pigeons—just when daylight broke?I’ll give it you!

Cyril.(toFlorian). Don’t you remember that old laughing song,

That he and we would troll in unison,

At the Three Pigeons—just when daylight broke?

I’ll give it you!

Song,Cyril, Air—Laughing Song from “Manon Lescaut.”

A young and earnest reader,Once with a special pleader,Was reading for the bar,Ha! ha! ha! ha!A budding luminary,Particularly wary,As lovers often are,Ha! ha! ha! ha!He met a lady bright, ha! ha!’Twas very late at night, ha! ha!There shone no moon nor star,Ha! ha! ha! ha!Her head lay on his shoulder,And what d’you think he told her?—You’ll never guess, I know.I scarcely like to tell you,For fear it should repel you—Come, whisper, whisper low!No! no! no! no! no! no! no! no!Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!

A young and earnest reader,

Once with a special pleader,

Was reading for the bar,

Ha! ha! ha! ha!

A budding luminary,

Particularly wary,

As lovers often are,

Ha! ha! ha! ha!

He met a lady bright, ha! ha!

’Twas very late at night, ha! ha!

There shone no moon nor star,

Ha! ha! ha! ha!

Her head lay on his shoulder,

And what d’you think he told her?—

You’ll never guess, I know.

I scarcely like to tell you,

For fear it should repel you—

Come, whisper, whisper low!

No! no! no! no! no! no! no! no!

Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!

They threaded many mazes,Of buttercups and daisies,They wandered very far,Ha! ha! ha! ha!So amiable he found her,He put his arms around her,And she opposed no bar,Ha! ha! ha! ha!He squeezed her little fin, ha! ha!He chucked her little chin, ha! ha!And christened her his star,Ha! ha! ha! ha!Her head lay on his shoulder,And what d’you think he told her?You’ll never guess, I know—I’ll hazard it and tell you,Although it may repel you—Come, whisper, whisper low!No! no! no! no! no! no! no! no!Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!(After song he lights a cigarette.)

They threaded many mazes,

Of buttercups and daisies,

They wandered very far,

Ha! ha! ha! ha!

So amiable he found her,

He put his arms around her,

And she opposed no bar,

Ha! ha! ha! ha!

He squeezed her little fin, ha! ha!

He chucked her little chin, ha! ha!

And christened her his star,

Ha! ha! ha! ha!

Her head lay on his shoulder,

And what d’you think he told her?

You’ll never guess, I know—

I’ll hazard it and tell you,

Although it may repel you—

Come, whisper, whisper low!

No! no! no! no! no! no! no! no!

Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!

(After song he lights a cigarette.)

Prin.Infamous creature—get you hence away!

Prin.Infamous creature—get you hence away!

Hilar.Dog! Here is something more to sing about! (Strikes him.)

Hilar.Dog! Here is something more to sing about! (Strikes him.)

Cyril.(sobered). Hilarion—are you mad?

Cyril.(sobered). Hilarion—are you mad?

Prin.(astonished).Hilarion? Help!Why these are men! Lost! Lost! betrayed! undone!(running on to bridge).Girls, get you hence—man-monsters, if you dareApproach one step—I—ah! (loses balance and falls.)

Prin.(astonished).Hilarion? Help!

Why these are men! Lost! Lost! betrayed! undone!

(running on to bridge).

Girls, get you hence—man-monsters, if you dare

Approach one step—I—ah! (loses balance and falls.)

Psyche.Oh! save her, sir!

Psyche.Oh! save her, sir!

Blanche.It’s useless, sir, you’ll only catch your death.(Hilarionsprings in.)

Blanche.It’s useless, sir, you’ll only catch your death.

(Hilarionsprings in.)

Sacha.He catches her—

Sacha.He catches her—

Melissa.And now he lets her go—Again she’s in his grasp—

Melissa.And now he lets her go—

Again she’s in his grasp—

Psyche.And now she’s not!He seizes her back hair—

Psyche.And now she’s not!

He seizes her back hair—

Blanche.And it comes off!

Blanche.And it comes off!

Psyche.No—no—she’s saved! She’s saved!She’s saved! She’s saved!

Psyche.No—no—she’s saved! She’s saved!

She’s saved! She’s saved!

(Hilarionis seen swimming with thePrincessin one arm—he swims to a bank and thePrincessand he are brought to land.)

Prin.You’ve saved our lives and so have saved your own,But leave this palace—men in women’s clothes!

Prin.You’ve saved our lives and so have saved your own,

But leave this palace—men in women’s clothes!

EnterLydia, running.

Why, what’s the matter now?

Why, what’s the matter now?

Lydia.King Hildebrand,Holding your father captive, sends to sayThat if Hilarion suffers any harm,Your father’s life will pay the penalty,Moreover—if you do not yield yourself,According to the tenor of your oath,He will attack you ere to-morrow’s dawn—And force compliance!

Lydia.King Hildebrand,

Holding your father captive, sends to say

That if Hilarion suffers any harm,

Your father’s life will pay the penalty,

Moreover—if you do not yield yourself,

According to the tenor of your oath,

He will attack you ere to-morrow’s dawn—

And force compliance!

Prin.Will he so, indeed?We’ll teach these men a lesson. (ToHilarion.) Get you gone!You saved our lives—we thank you for it—go!Arm, Amazons! We’ll show these gentlemen,How nobly Woman vindicates her claimTo equal individuality!Arm! Arm! This is our opportunity.

Prin.Will he so, indeed?

We’ll teach these men a lesson. (ToHilarion.) Get you gone!

You saved our lives—we thank you for it—go!

Arm, Amazons! We’ll show these gentlemen,

How nobly Woman vindicates her claim

To equal individuality!

Arm! Arm! This is our opportunity.

The threeGentlemenare thrust forth by theAmazons. Tableau.

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