TRIAL BY JURY:

TRIAL BY JURY:A Dramatic Cantata,IN ONE ACT.DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.The Learned JudgeMr. F. Sullivan.Counsel for the Plaintiff.The DefendantMr. W. Fisher.Foreman of the JuryMr. Campbell.UsherMr. Kelleher.The PlaintiffMiss Bromley.Bridesmaids, Gentlemen of the Jury, &c.TRIAL BY JURY.Scene.—A Court of Justice.Barristers,Attorneys, andJurymendiscovered withUsher.ChorusHark, the hour of ten is sounding!Hearts with anxious fears are bounding;Hall of Justice crowds surrounding,Breathing hope and fear—For to-day in this arena,Summoned by a stern subpœna,Edwin, sued by Angelina,Shortly will appear.(TheUshermarshals the Jury into Jury-box.)Solo,Usher.Now, Jurymen, hear my advice—All kinds of vulgar prejudiceI pray you set aside:With stern judicial frame of mind,From bias free of every kind,This trial must be tried.Chorus.From bias free of every kindThis trial must be tried.(During Choruses,Ushersays, fortissimo, “Silence in Court!”)Usher.Oh, listen to the plaintiff’s case:Observe the features of her face—The broken-hearted bride.Condole with her distress of mind—From bias free of every kindThis trial must be tried!Chorus.From bias free, &c.Usher.And when amid the plaintiff’s shrieks,The ruffianly defendant speaks—Upon the other side;Whathemay say you needn’t mind—From bias free of every kindThis trial must be tried.Chorus.From bias free, &c.EnterDefendant.Defendant, (recit.).Is this the Court of the Exchequer?All.It is!Defendant(aside).Be firm, my moral pecker,Your evil star’s in the ascendant!All.Who are you?Defendant.I’m the defendant!Chorus ofJurymen(shaking their fists).Monster, dread our damages!We’re the jury,Dread our fury!Defendant.Hear me, hear me, if you please,These are very strange proceedings—For, permit me to remark,On the merits of my pleadings,You’re at present in the dark.(Defendantbeckons toJurymen—they leave the box, and gather round him as they sing the following):—Ha! ha! ha!That’s a very true remark—On the merits of your pleadings,We’re entirely in the dark!Ha! ha!—ha! ha!Song,Defendant.When first my old, old love I knew,My bosom swelled with joy;My riches at her feet I threw—I was a love-sick boy!No terms seemed extravagantUpon her to employ—I used to mope, and sigh, and pant,Just like a love-sick boy!But joy incessant palls the sense;And love, unchanged, will cloy,And she became a bore intenseUnto her love-sick boy!With fitful glimmer burnt my flame,And I grew cold and coy,At last, one morning, I becameAnother’s love-sick boy!Chorus ofJurymen(advancing stealthily).Oh, I was like that when a lad;A shocking young scamp of a rover!I behaved like a regular cad;But that sort of thing is all over.I’m now a respectable chap,And shine with a virtue resplendent,An therefore I haven’t a scrapOf sympathy with the defendant!He shall treat us with awe,If there isn’t a flaw,Singing so merrily—Trial-la-law!Trial-la-law—Trial-la-law!Singing so merrily—Trial-la-law!Recit.Usher.Silence in Court, and all attention lend.Behold your Judge! In due submission bend!EnterJudgeon Bench.Chorus.All hail, great Judge!To your bright raysWe never grudgeEcstatic praise.All hail!May each decreeAs statute rank,And never beReversed in banc.All hail!Recit.Judge.For these kind words accept my thanks, I pray!A Breach of Promise we’ve to try to-day;But firstly, if the time you’ll not begrudge,I’ll tell you how I came to be a judge.All.He’ll tell us how he came to be a judge!Judge.Let me speak.All.Let him speak.Judge.Let me speak.All.Let him speak. Hush! hush!! hush!!!(fortissimo) He’ll tell us how he came to be a judge!Song,Judge.When I, good friends, was called to the bar,I’d an appetite fresh and hearty,But I was, as many young barristers are,An impecunious party:I’d a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue—A brief which I bought of a booby—A couple of shirts and a collar or two,And a ring that looked like a ruby.Chorus.A couple of shirts, &c.Judge.In Westminster Hall I danced a dance,Like a semi-despondent fury;For I thought I should never hit on a chanceOf addressing a British jury—But I soon got tired of third-class journeysAnd dinners of bread and water;So I fell in love with a rich attorney’sElderly, ugly daughter.Chorus.So he fell in love, &c.Judge.The rich attorney he jumped with joy,And replied to my fond professions:“You shall reap the reward of your pluck, my boy,“At the Bailey and Middlesex Sessions.“You’ll soon get used to her looks,” said he,“And a very nice girl you’ll find her!“She may very well pass for forty-three“In the dusk, with a light behind her!Chorus.“She may very well, &c.”Judge.The rich attorney was good as his word:The briefs came trooping gayly,And every day my voice was heardAt the Sessions or Ancient Bailey.All thieves who could my fees affordRelied on my orations,And many a burglar I’ve restoredTo his friends and his relations.Chorus.And many a burglar, &c.Judge.At length I became as rich as the Gurneys—An incubus then I thought her,So I threw over that rich attorney’sElderly, ugly daughter.The rich attorney my character highTried vainly to disparage—And now, if you please, I’m ready to tryThis breach of promise of marriage!Chorus.And now if you please, &c.Judge.For now I am a Judge!All.And a good Judge too!Judge.Yes, now I am a Judge!All.And a good Judge too!Judge.Though all my law is fudge,Yet I’ll never, never budge,But I’ll live and die a Judge!All.And a good Judge too!Judge(pianissimo).It was managed by a job!All.And a good job too!Judge.It was managed by a job!All.And a good job too!Judge.It is patent to the mob,That my being made a nobWas effected by a job.All.And a good job too!EnterCounselforPlaintiff.Counsel(recit.).Swear thou the Jury!Usher.Kneel, Jurymen, oh! kneel!(All the Jury kneel in the Jury-box and so are hidden from audience.)Usher.Oh, will you swear by yonder skies,Whatever question may arise’Twixt rich and poor—’twixt low and high,That you will well and truly try?Jury(raising their hands, which alone are visible).To all of this we make reply,By the dull slate of yonder sky:That we will well and truly try.(All rise with the last note, both hands in air.)Recit.Usher.This blind devotion is indeed a crusher—Pardon the tear-drop of the simple Usher! (He weeps.)Recit.Counsel.Call the plaintiff!Recit.Usher.Oh, Angelina! Angelina!! Come thou into Court.Enter theBridesmaids, each bearing two palm branches, their arms crossed on their bosoms, and rose-wreaths on their arms.Chorus ofBridesmaids.Comes the broken flower—Comes the cheated maid—Though the tempest lower,Rain and cloud will fade!Take, oh maid, these posies:Though thy beauty rareShame the blushing roses,They are passing fair!Wear the flowers till they fade:Happy be thy life, oh maid!(TheJudge, having taken a great fancy toFirst Bridesmaid, sends her a note byUsher, which she reads, kisses rapturously, and places in her bosom.)Solo,Angelina.O’er the season vernal,Time may cast a shade;Sunshine, if eternal,Makes the roses fade!Time may do his duty;Let the thief alone—Winter hath a beautyThat is all his own.Fairest days are sun and shade:I am no unhappy maid!(By this time theJudgehas transferred his admiration toAngelina.)Chorus ofBridesmaids.Comes the broken flower, &c.(During ChorusAngelinacollects wreaths of roses fromBridesmaidsand gives them to theJury, who put them on, and wear them during the rest of the piece.)Judge(toAssociate.)Oh, never, never, never, since I joined the human race,Saw I so exquisitely fair a face.The Jury(shaking their forefingers atJudge).Ah, sly dog! Ah, sly dog!Judge(toJury).How say you, is she not designed for capture?Foreman(after consulting with theJury).We’ve but one word, my lord, and that is—Rapture!Plaintiff(courtesying).Your kindness, gentlemen, quite overpowers!The Jury.We love you fondly, and would make you ours!The Bridesmaids(shaking their forefingers atJury).Ah, sly dogs! Ah, sly dogs!CounselforPlaintiff(recit.)May it please you, my lud!Gentlemen of the Jury!Aria.With a sense of deep emotion,I approach this painful case;For I never had a notionThat a man could be so base,Or deceive a girl confiding,Vows,etcætera, deriding.All.He deceived a girl confiding,Vows,etcætera, deriding.(Plaintifffalls sobbing onCounsel’sbreast, and remains there.)Counsel.See my interesting client,Victim of a heartless wile!See the traitor all defiantWears a supercilious smile!Sweetly smiled my client on him.Coyly woo’d and gently won him!All.Sweetly smiled, &c.Counsel.Swiftly fled each honeyed hourSpent with this unmanly male!Camberwell became a bower,Peckham an Arcadian Vale,Breathing concentrated otto!—An-existenceà laWatteau.All.Bless us, concentrated otto! &c.Counsel(coming down withPlaintiff, who is still sobbing on his breast).Picture, then, my client namingAnd insisting on the day:Picture him excuses framing—Going from her far away;Doubly criminal to do so,For the maid had bought hertrousseau!All.Doubly criminal, &c.Counsel(toPlaintiff, who weeps).Cheer up, my pretty—oh, cheer up!Jury.Cheer up, cheer up, we love you!(CounselleadsPlaintifffondly into Witness-box; he takes a tender leave of her and resumes his place in Court.)(Plaintiffreels, as if about to faint.)Judge.That she is reelingIs plain to me!Foreman.If faint you’re feeling,Recline on me!(She falls sobbing on to the foreman’s breast.)Plaintiff(feebly).I shall recoverIf left alone.All(shaking their fists atDefendant).Oh, perjured lover,Atone! atone!Foreman.Just like a fatherI wish to be. (Kissing her.)Judge(approaching her).Or, if you’d rather,Recline on me!(She staggers on to bench, sits down by theJudge, and falls sobbing on his breast.)Counsel.Oh! fetch some waterFrom far Cologne!All.For this sad slaughterAtone! atone!Jury(shaking fists atDefendant).Monster, monster, dread our fury,There’s the Judge, and we’re the Jury!Song,Defendant.Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray,Though I own that my heart has been ranging,Of nature the laws I obey,For nature is constantly changing.The moon in her phases is found,The time and the wind and the weather,The months in succession come round,And you don’t find two Mondays together.Consider the moral, I pray,Nor bring a young fellow to sorrow,Who loves this young lady to-day,And loves that young lady to-morrow.Bridesmaids(rushing forward, and kneeling toJury).Consider the moral, &c.You can not eat breakfast all day,Nor is it the act of a sinner,When breakfast is taken away,To turn your attention to dinner;And it’s not in the range of belief,That you could hold him as a glutton,Who, when he is tired of beef,Determines to tackle the mutton.But this I am ready to say,If it will appease their sorrow,I’ll marry one lady to-day,And I’ll marry the other to-morrow.Bridesmaids(rushing forward as before).But this he is ready to say, &c.Judge(recit.)That seems a reasonable proposition,To which I think your client may agree.All.Oh, Judge discerning!Counsel.But, I submit, my lord, with all submission,To marry two at once is Burglaree!(Referring to law book.)In the reign of James the Second,It was generally reckonedAs a very serious crimeTo marry two wives at one time.(Hands book up toJudge, who reads it.)All.Oh, man of learning!Quartette.Judge.A nice dilemma we have here,That calls for all our wit:Counsel.And at this stage it don’t appearThat we can settle it.Defendant.If I to wed the girl am lothA breach ’twill surely be!Plaintiff.And if he goes and marries bothIt counts as Burglaree!All.Anice dilemma, &c.Duet,PlaintiffandDefendant.Plaintiff(embracingDefendantrapturously).I love him—I love him—with fervor unceasing,I worship and madly adore;My blind adoration is always increasing,My loss I shall ever deplore.Oh, see what a blessing—what love and caressingI’ve lost, and remember it, pray,When you I’m addressing, are busy assessingThe damages Edwin must pay.Defendant(repelling her furiously).I smoke like a furnace—I’m always in liquor,A ruffian—a bully—a sot.I’m sure I should thrash her—perhaps I should kick her,I am such a very bad lot!I’m not prepossessing, as you may be guessing,She couldn’t endure me a day!Recall my professing when you are assessingThe damages Edwin must pay!(She clings to him passionately; he drags her round stage, and flings her to the ground.)Jury.We would be fairly acting,But this is most distracting!Judge(recit.).The question, gentlemen, is one of liquor;You ask for guidance—this is my reply:If he, when tipsy, would assault and kick her,Let’s make him tipsy, gentlemen, and try!Counsel.With all respectI do object!All.With all respectWe do object!Defendant.I don’t object!All.We do object!Judge(tossing his books and papers about).All the legal furies seize you!No proposal seems to please you,I can’t stop up here all day,I must shortly go away.Barristers, and you, attorneys,Set out on your homeward journeys;Put your briefs upon the shelf,I will marry her myself!(He comes down from Bench to floor of Court. He embracesAngelina.)Finale.Plaintiff.Oh, joy unbounded!With wealth surrounded,The knell is soundedOf grief and woe.Counsel.With love devotedOn you he’s doted:To castle moatedAway they go!Defendant.I wonder whetherThey’ll live togetherIn marriage tetherIn manner true?Usher.It seems to me, sir,Of such as she, sir,A judge is he, sir,A good judge too.Chorus.It seems to me, sir, &c.Judge.Oh, yes, I am a Judge.All.And a good Judge too!Judge.Oh, yes, I am a Judge.All.And a good Judge too!Judge.Though homeward as you trudge,You declare my law is fudge,Yet of beauty I’m a judge.All.And a good judge too!(JudgeandPlaintiffdance back on to the Bench—theBridesmaidstake the eight garlands of roses from behind the Judge’s desk (where one end of them is fastened) and draw them across floor of Court, so that they radiate from the desk. Two plaster Cupids in bar wigs descend from flies. Red fire.)Franklin Press: Rand, Avery, & Co., Boston.

A Dramatic Cantata,

IN ONE ACT.

Bridesmaids, Gentlemen of the Jury, &c.

Scene.—A Court of Justice.Barristers,Attorneys, andJurymendiscovered withUsher.ChorusHark, the hour of ten is sounding!Hearts with anxious fears are bounding;Hall of Justice crowds surrounding,Breathing hope and fear—For to-day in this arena,Summoned by a stern subpœna,Edwin, sued by Angelina,Shortly will appear.(TheUshermarshals the Jury into Jury-box.)Solo,Usher.Now, Jurymen, hear my advice—All kinds of vulgar prejudiceI pray you set aside:With stern judicial frame of mind,From bias free of every kind,This trial must be tried.Chorus.From bias free of every kindThis trial must be tried.(During Choruses,Ushersays, fortissimo, “Silence in Court!”)Usher.Oh, listen to the plaintiff’s case:Observe the features of her face—The broken-hearted bride.Condole with her distress of mind—From bias free of every kindThis trial must be tried!Chorus.From bias free, &c.Usher.And when amid the plaintiff’s shrieks,The ruffianly defendant speaks—Upon the other side;Whathemay say you needn’t mind—From bias free of every kindThis trial must be tried.Chorus.From bias free, &c.EnterDefendant.Defendant, (recit.).Is this the Court of the Exchequer?All.It is!Defendant(aside).Be firm, my moral pecker,Your evil star’s in the ascendant!All.Who are you?Defendant.I’m the defendant!Chorus ofJurymen(shaking their fists).Monster, dread our damages!We’re the jury,Dread our fury!Defendant.Hear me, hear me, if you please,These are very strange proceedings—For, permit me to remark,On the merits of my pleadings,You’re at present in the dark.(Defendantbeckons toJurymen—they leave the box, and gather round him as they sing the following):—Ha! ha! ha!That’s a very true remark—On the merits of your pleadings,We’re entirely in the dark!Ha! ha!—ha! ha!Song,Defendant.When first my old, old love I knew,My bosom swelled with joy;My riches at her feet I threw—I was a love-sick boy!No terms seemed extravagantUpon her to employ—I used to mope, and sigh, and pant,Just like a love-sick boy!But joy incessant palls the sense;And love, unchanged, will cloy,And she became a bore intenseUnto her love-sick boy!With fitful glimmer burnt my flame,And I grew cold and coy,At last, one morning, I becameAnother’s love-sick boy!Chorus ofJurymen(advancing stealthily).Oh, I was like that when a lad;A shocking young scamp of a rover!I behaved like a regular cad;But that sort of thing is all over.I’m now a respectable chap,And shine with a virtue resplendent,An therefore I haven’t a scrapOf sympathy with the defendant!He shall treat us with awe,If there isn’t a flaw,Singing so merrily—Trial-la-law!Trial-la-law—Trial-la-law!Singing so merrily—Trial-la-law!Recit.Usher.Silence in Court, and all attention lend.Behold your Judge! In due submission bend!EnterJudgeon Bench.Chorus.All hail, great Judge!To your bright raysWe never grudgeEcstatic praise.All hail!May each decreeAs statute rank,And never beReversed in banc.All hail!Recit.Judge.For these kind words accept my thanks, I pray!A Breach of Promise we’ve to try to-day;But firstly, if the time you’ll not begrudge,I’ll tell you how I came to be a judge.All.He’ll tell us how he came to be a judge!Judge.Let me speak.All.Let him speak.Judge.Let me speak.All.Let him speak. Hush! hush!! hush!!!(fortissimo) He’ll tell us how he came to be a judge!Song,Judge.When I, good friends, was called to the bar,I’d an appetite fresh and hearty,But I was, as many young barristers are,An impecunious party:I’d a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue—A brief which I bought of a booby—A couple of shirts and a collar or two,And a ring that looked like a ruby.Chorus.A couple of shirts, &c.Judge.In Westminster Hall I danced a dance,Like a semi-despondent fury;For I thought I should never hit on a chanceOf addressing a British jury—But I soon got tired of third-class journeysAnd dinners of bread and water;So I fell in love with a rich attorney’sElderly, ugly daughter.Chorus.So he fell in love, &c.Judge.The rich attorney he jumped with joy,And replied to my fond professions:“You shall reap the reward of your pluck, my boy,“At the Bailey and Middlesex Sessions.“You’ll soon get used to her looks,” said he,“And a very nice girl you’ll find her!“She may very well pass for forty-three“In the dusk, with a light behind her!Chorus.“She may very well, &c.”Judge.The rich attorney was good as his word:The briefs came trooping gayly,And every day my voice was heardAt the Sessions or Ancient Bailey.All thieves who could my fees affordRelied on my orations,And many a burglar I’ve restoredTo his friends and his relations.Chorus.And many a burglar, &c.Judge.At length I became as rich as the Gurneys—An incubus then I thought her,So I threw over that rich attorney’sElderly, ugly daughter.The rich attorney my character highTried vainly to disparage—And now, if you please, I’m ready to tryThis breach of promise of marriage!Chorus.And now if you please, &c.Judge.For now I am a Judge!All.And a good Judge too!Judge.Yes, now I am a Judge!All.And a good Judge too!Judge.Though all my law is fudge,Yet I’ll never, never budge,But I’ll live and die a Judge!All.And a good Judge too!Judge(pianissimo).It was managed by a job!All.And a good job too!Judge.It was managed by a job!All.And a good job too!Judge.It is patent to the mob,That my being made a nobWas effected by a job.All.And a good job too!EnterCounselforPlaintiff.Counsel(recit.).Swear thou the Jury!Usher.Kneel, Jurymen, oh! kneel!(All the Jury kneel in the Jury-box and so are hidden from audience.)Usher.Oh, will you swear by yonder skies,Whatever question may arise’Twixt rich and poor—’twixt low and high,That you will well and truly try?Jury(raising their hands, which alone are visible).To all of this we make reply,By the dull slate of yonder sky:That we will well and truly try.(All rise with the last note, both hands in air.)Recit.Usher.This blind devotion is indeed a crusher—Pardon the tear-drop of the simple Usher! (He weeps.)Recit.Counsel.Call the plaintiff!Recit.Usher.Oh, Angelina! Angelina!! Come thou into Court.Enter theBridesmaids, each bearing two palm branches, their arms crossed on their bosoms, and rose-wreaths on their arms.Chorus ofBridesmaids.Comes the broken flower—Comes the cheated maid—Though the tempest lower,Rain and cloud will fade!Take, oh maid, these posies:Though thy beauty rareShame the blushing roses,They are passing fair!Wear the flowers till they fade:Happy be thy life, oh maid!(TheJudge, having taken a great fancy toFirst Bridesmaid, sends her a note byUsher, which she reads, kisses rapturously, and places in her bosom.)Solo,Angelina.O’er the season vernal,Time may cast a shade;Sunshine, if eternal,Makes the roses fade!Time may do his duty;Let the thief alone—Winter hath a beautyThat is all his own.Fairest days are sun and shade:I am no unhappy maid!(By this time theJudgehas transferred his admiration toAngelina.)Chorus ofBridesmaids.Comes the broken flower, &c.(During ChorusAngelinacollects wreaths of roses fromBridesmaidsand gives them to theJury, who put them on, and wear them during the rest of the piece.)Judge(toAssociate.)Oh, never, never, never, since I joined the human race,Saw I so exquisitely fair a face.The Jury(shaking their forefingers atJudge).Ah, sly dog! Ah, sly dog!Judge(toJury).How say you, is she not designed for capture?Foreman(after consulting with theJury).We’ve but one word, my lord, and that is—Rapture!Plaintiff(courtesying).Your kindness, gentlemen, quite overpowers!The Jury.We love you fondly, and would make you ours!The Bridesmaids(shaking their forefingers atJury).Ah, sly dogs! Ah, sly dogs!CounselforPlaintiff(recit.)May it please you, my lud!Gentlemen of the Jury!Aria.With a sense of deep emotion,I approach this painful case;For I never had a notionThat a man could be so base,Or deceive a girl confiding,Vows,etcætera, deriding.All.He deceived a girl confiding,Vows,etcætera, deriding.(Plaintifffalls sobbing onCounsel’sbreast, and remains there.)Counsel.See my interesting client,Victim of a heartless wile!See the traitor all defiantWears a supercilious smile!Sweetly smiled my client on him.Coyly woo’d and gently won him!All.Sweetly smiled, &c.Counsel.Swiftly fled each honeyed hourSpent with this unmanly male!Camberwell became a bower,Peckham an Arcadian Vale,Breathing concentrated otto!—An-existenceà laWatteau.All.Bless us, concentrated otto! &c.Counsel(coming down withPlaintiff, who is still sobbing on his breast).Picture, then, my client namingAnd insisting on the day:Picture him excuses framing—Going from her far away;Doubly criminal to do so,For the maid had bought hertrousseau!All.Doubly criminal, &c.Counsel(toPlaintiff, who weeps).Cheer up, my pretty—oh, cheer up!Jury.Cheer up, cheer up, we love you!(CounselleadsPlaintifffondly into Witness-box; he takes a tender leave of her and resumes his place in Court.)(Plaintiffreels, as if about to faint.)Judge.That she is reelingIs plain to me!Foreman.If faint you’re feeling,Recline on me!(She falls sobbing on to the foreman’s breast.)Plaintiff(feebly).I shall recoverIf left alone.All(shaking their fists atDefendant).Oh, perjured lover,Atone! atone!Foreman.Just like a fatherI wish to be. (Kissing her.)Judge(approaching her).Or, if you’d rather,Recline on me!(She staggers on to bench, sits down by theJudge, and falls sobbing on his breast.)Counsel.Oh! fetch some waterFrom far Cologne!All.For this sad slaughterAtone! atone!Jury(shaking fists atDefendant).Monster, monster, dread our fury,There’s the Judge, and we’re the Jury!Song,Defendant.Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray,Though I own that my heart has been ranging,Of nature the laws I obey,For nature is constantly changing.The moon in her phases is found,The time and the wind and the weather,The months in succession come round,And you don’t find two Mondays together.Consider the moral, I pray,Nor bring a young fellow to sorrow,Who loves this young lady to-day,And loves that young lady to-morrow.Bridesmaids(rushing forward, and kneeling toJury).Consider the moral, &c.You can not eat breakfast all day,Nor is it the act of a sinner,When breakfast is taken away,To turn your attention to dinner;And it’s not in the range of belief,That you could hold him as a glutton,Who, when he is tired of beef,Determines to tackle the mutton.But this I am ready to say,If it will appease their sorrow,I’ll marry one lady to-day,And I’ll marry the other to-morrow.Bridesmaids(rushing forward as before).But this he is ready to say, &c.Judge(recit.)That seems a reasonable proposition,To which I think your client may agree.All.Oh, Judge discerning!Counsel.But, I submit, my lord, with all submission,To marry two at once is Burglaree!(Referring to law book.)In the reign of James the Second,It was generally reckonedAs a very serious crimeTo marry two wives at one time.(Hands book up toJudge, who reads it.)All.Oh, man of learning!Quartette.Judge.A nice dilemma we have here,That calls for all our wit:Counsel.And at this stage it don’t appearThat we can settle it.Defendant.If I to wed the girl am lothA breach ’twill surely be!Plaintiff.And if he goes and marries bothIt counts as Burglaree!All.Anice dilemma, &c.Duet,PlaintiffandDefendant.Plaintiff(embracingDefendantrapturously).I love him—I love him—with fervor unceasing,I worship and madly adore;My blind adoration is always increasing,My loss I shall ever deplore.Oh, see what a blessing—what love and caressingI’ve lost, and remember it, pray,When you I’m addressing, are busy assessingThe damages Edwin must pay.Defendant(repelling her furiously).I smoke like a furnace—I’m always in liquor,A ruffian—a bully—a sot.I’m sure I should thrash her—perhaps I should kick her,I am such a very bad lot!I’m not prepossessing, as you may be guessing,She couldn’t endure me a day!Recall my professing when you are assessingThe damages Edwin must pay!(She clings to him passionately; he drags her round stage, and flings her to the ground.)Jury.We would be fairly acting,But this is most distracting!Judge(recit.).The question, gentlemen, is one of liquor;You ask for guidance—this is my reply:If he, when tipsy, would assault and kick her,Let’s make him tipsy, gentlemen, and try!Counsel.With all respectI do object!All.With all respectWe do object!Defendant.I don’t object!All.We do object!Judge(tossing his books and papers about).All the legal furies seize you!No proposal seems to please you,I can’t stop up here all day,I must shortly go away.Barristers, and you, attorneys,Set out on your homeward journeys;Put your briefs upon the shelf,I will marry her myself!(He comes down from Bench to floor of Court. He embracesAngelina.)Finale.Plaintiff.Oh, joy unbounded!With wealth surrounded,The knell is soundedOf grief and woe.Counsel.With love devotedOn you he’s doted:To castle moatedAway they go!Defendant.I wonder whetherThey’ll live togetherIn marriage tetherIn manner true?Usher.It seems to me, sir,Of such as she, sir,A judge is he, sir,A good judge too.Chorus.It seems to me, sir, &c.Judge.Oh, yes, I am a Judge.All.And a good Judge too!Judge.Oh, yes, I am a Judge.All.And a good Judge too!Judge.Though homeward as you trudge,You declare my law is fudge,Yet of beauty I’m a judge.All.And a good judge too!(JudgeandPlaintiffdance back on to the Bench—theBridesmaidstake the eight garlands of roses from behind the Judge’s desk (where one end of them is fastened) and draw them across floor of Court, so that they radiate from the desk. Two plaster Cupids in bar wigs descend from flies. Red fire.)

Scene.—A Court of Justice.

Barristers,Attorneys, andJurymendiscovered withUsher.

Chorus

Hark, the hour of ten is sounding!Hearts with anxious fears are bounding;Hall of Justice crowds surrounding,Breathing hope and fear—For to-day in this arena,Summoned by a stern subpœna,Edwin, sued by Angelina,Shortly will appear.

Hark, the hour of ten is sounding!

Hearts with anxious fears are bounding;

Hall of Justice crowds surrounding,

Breathing hope and fear—

For to-day in this arena,

Summoned by a stern subpœna,

Edwin, sued by Angelina,

Shortly will appear.

(TheUshermarshals the Jury into Jury-box.)

Solo,Usher.

Now, Jurymen, hear my advice—All kinds of vulgar prejudiceI pray you set aside:With stern judicial frame of mind,From bias free of every kind,This trial must be tried.

Now, Jurymen, hear my advice—

All kinds of vulgar prejudice

I pray you set aside:

With stern judicial frame of mind,

From bias free of every kind,

This trial must be tried.

Chorus.

From bias free of every kindThis trial must be tried.

From bias free of every kind

This trial must be tried.

(During Choruses,Ushersays, fortissimo, “Silence in Court!”)

Usher.

Oh, listen to the plaintiff’s case:Observe the features of her face—The broken-hearted bride.Condole with her distress of mind—From bias free of every kindThis trial must be tried!

Oh, listen to the plaintiff’s case:

Observe the features of her face—

The broken-hearted bride.

Condole with her distress of mind—

From bias free of every kind

This trial must be tried!

Chorus.

From bias free, &c.

Usher.

And when amid the plaintiff’s shrieks,The ruffianly defendant speaks—Upon the other side;Whathemay say you needn’t mind—From bias free of every kindThis trial must be tried.

And when amid the plaintiff’s shrieks,

The ruffianly defendant speaks—

Upon the other side;

Whathemay say you needn’t mind—

From bias free of every kind

This trial must be tried.

Chorus.

From bias free, &c.

EnterDefendant.

Defendant, (recit.).

Is this the Court of the Exchequer?

All.

It is!

Defendant(aside).

Be firm, my moral pecker,Your evil star’s in the ascendant!

Be firm, my moral pecker,

Your evil star’s in the ascendant!

All.

Who are you?

Defendant.

I’m the defendant!

Chorus ofJurymen(shaking their fists).

Monster, dread our damages!We’re the jury,Dread our fury!

Monster, dread our damages!

We’re the jury,

Dread our fury!

Defendant.

Hear me, hear me, if you please,These are very strange proceedings—For, permit me to remark,On the merits of my pleadings,You’re at present in the dark.

Hear me, hear me, if you please,

These are very strange proceedings—

For, permit me to remark,

On the merits of my pleadings,

You’re at present in the dark.

(Defendantbeckons toJurymen—they leave the box, and gather round him as they sing the following):—

Ha! ha! ha!That’s a very true remark—On the merits of your pleadings,We’re entirely in the dark!Ha! ha!—ha! ha!

Ha! ha! ha!

That’s a very true remark—

On the merits of your pleadings,

We’re entirely in the dark!

Ha! ha!—ha! ha!

Song,Defendant.

When first my old, old love I knew,My bosom swelled with joy;My riches at her feet I threw—I was a love-sick boy!No terms seemed extravagantUpon her to employ—I used to mope, and sigh, and pant,Just like a love-sick boy!

When first my old, old love I knew,

My bosom swelled with joy;

My riches at her feet I threw—

I was a love-sick boy!

No terms seemed extravagant

Upon her to employ—

I used to mope, and sigh, and pant,

Just like a love-sick boy!

But joy incessant palls the sense;And love, unchanged, will cloy,And she became a bore intenseUnto her love-sick boy!With fitful glimmer burnt my flame,And I grew cold and coy,At last, one morning, I becameAnother’s love-sick boy!

But joy incessant palls the sense;

And love, unchanged, will cloy,

And she became a bore intense

Unto her love-sick boy!

With fitful glimmer burnt my flame,

And I grew cold and coy,

At last, one morning, I became

Another’s love-sick boy!

Chorus ofJurymen(advancing stealthily).

Oh, I was like that when a lad;A shocking young scamp of a rover!I behaved like a regular cad;But that sort of thing is all over.I’m now a respectable chap,And shine with a virtue resplendent,An therefore I haven’t a scrapOf sympathy with the defendant!He shall treat us with awe,If there isn’t a flaw,Singing so merrily—Trial-la-law!Trial-la-law—Trial-la-law!Singing so merrily—Trial-la-law!

Oh, I was like that when a lad;

A shocking young scamp of a rover!

I behaved like a regular cad;

But that sort of thing is all over.

I’m now a respectable chap,

And shine with a virtue resplendent,

An therefore I haven’t a scrap

Of sympathy with the defendant!

He shall treat us with awe,

If there isn’t a flaw,

Singing so merrily—Trial-la-law!

Trial-la-law—Trial-la-law!

Singing so merrily—Trial-la-law!

Recit.Usher.

Silence in Court, and all attention lend.Behold your Judge! In due submission bend!

Silence in Court, and all attention lend.

Behold your Judge! In due submission bend!

EnterJudgeon Bench.

Chorus.

All hail, great Judge!To your bright raysWe never grudgeEcstatic praise.All hail!

All hail, great Judge!

To your bright rays

We never grudge

Ecstatic praise.

All hail!

May each decreeAs statute rank,And never beReversed in banc.All hail!

May each decree

As statute rank,

And never be

Reversed in banc.

All hail!

Recit.Judge.

For these kind words accept my thanks, I pray!A Breach of Promise we’ve to try to-day;But firstly, if the time you’ll not begrudge,I’ll tell you how I came to be a judge.

For these kind words accept my thanks, I pray!

A Breach of Promise we’ve to try to-day;

But firstly, if the time you’ll not begrudge,

I’ll tell you how I came to be a judge.

All.

He’ll tell us how he came to be a judge!

Judge.

Let me speak.

All.

Let him speak.

Judge.

Let me speak.

All.

Let him speak. Hush! hush!! hush!!!(fortissimo) He’ll tell us how he came to be a judge!

Let him speak. Hush! hush!! hush!!!

(fortissimo) He’ll tell us how he came to be a judge!

Song,Judge.

When I, good friends, was called to the bar,I’d an appetite fresh and hearty,But I was, as many young barristers are,An impecunious party:I’d a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue—A brief which I bought of a booby—A couple of shirts and a collar or two,And a ring that looked like a ruby.

When I, good friends, was called to the bar,

I’d an appetite fresh and hearty,

But I was, as many young barristers are,

An impecunious party:

I’d a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue—

A brief which I bought of a booby—

A couple of shirts and a collar or two,

And a ring that looked like a ruby.

Chorus.

A couple of shirts, &c.

Judge.

In Westminster Hall I danced a dance,Like a semi-despondent fury;For I thought I should never hit on a chanceOf addressing a British jury—But I soon got tired of third-class journeysAnd dinners of bread and water;So I fell in love with a rich attorney’sElderly, ugly daughter.

In Westminster Hall I danced a dance,

Like a semi-despondent fury;

For I thought I should never hit on a chance

Of addressing a British jury—

But I soon got tired of third-class journeys

And dinners of bread and water;

So I fell in love with a rich attorney’s

Elderly, ugly daughter.

Chorus.

So he fell in love, &c.

Judge.

The rich attorney he jumped with joy,And replied to my fond professions:“You shall reap the reward of your pluck, my boy,“At the Bailey and Middlesex Sessions.“You’ll soon get used to her looks,” said he,“And a very nice girl you’ll find her!“She may very well pass for forty-three“In the dusk, with a light behind her!

The rich attorney he jumped with joy,

And replied to my fond professions:

“You shall reap the reward of your pluck, my boy,

“At the Bailey and Middlesex Sessions.

“You’ll soon get used to her looks,” said he,

“And a very nice girl you’ll find her!

“She may very well pass for forty-three

“In the dusk, with a light behind her!

Chorus.

“She may very well, &c.”

Judge.

The rich attorney was good as his word:The briefs came trooping gayly,And every day my voice was heardAt the Sessions or Ancient Bailey.All thieves who could my fees affordRelied on my orations,And many a burglar I’ve restoredTo his friends and his relations.

The rich attorney was good as his word:

The briefs came trooping gayly,

And every day my voice was heard

At the Sessions or Ancient Bailey.

All thieves who could my fees afford

Relied on my orations,

And many a burglar I’ve restored

To his friends and his relations.

Chorus.

And many a burglar, &c.

Judge.

At length I became as rich as the Gurneys—An incubus then I thought her,So I threw over that rich attorney’sElderly, ugly daughter.The rich attorney my character highTried vainly to disparage—And now, if you please, I’m ready to tryThis breach of promise of marriage!

At length I became as rich as the Gurneys—

An incubus then I thought her,

So I threw over that rich attorney’s

Elderly, ugly daughter.

The rich attorney my character high

Tried vainly to disparage—

And now, if you please, I’m ready to try

This breach of promise of marriage!

Chorus.

And now if you please, &c.

Judge.

For now I am a Judge!

All.

And a good Judge too!

Judge.

Yes, now I am a Judge!

All.

And a good Judge too!

Judge.

Though all my law is fudge,Yet I’ll never, never budge,But I’ll live and die a Judge!

Though all my law is fudge,

Yet I’ll never, never budge,

But I’ll live and die a Judge!

All.

And a good Judge too!

Judge(pianissimo).

It was managed by a job!

All.

And a good job too!

Judge.

It was managed by a job!

All.

And a good job too!

Judge.

It is patent to the mob,That my being made a nobWas effected by a job.

It is patent to the mob,

That my being made a nob

Was effected by a job.

All.

And a good job too!

EnterCounselforPlaintiff.

Counsel(recit.).

Swear thou the Jury!

Usher.

Kneel, Jurymen, oh! kneel!

(All the Jury kneel in the Jury-box and so are hidden from audience.)

Usher.

Oh, will you swear by yonder skies,Whatever question may arise’Twixt rich and poor—’twixt low and high,That you will well and truly try?

Oh, will you swear by yonder skies,

Whatever question may arise

’Twixt rich and poor—’twixt low and high,

That you will well and truly try?

Jury(raising their hands, which alone are visible).

To all of this we make reply,By the dull slate of yonder sky:That we will well and truly try.

To all of this we make reply,

By the dull slate of yonder sky:

That we will well and truly try.

(All rise with the last note, both hands in air.)

Recit.Usher.

This blind devotion is indeed a crusher—Pardon the tear-drop of the simple Usher! (He weeps.)

This blind devotion is indeed a crusher—

Pardon the tear-drop of the simple Usher! (He weeps.)

Recit.Counsel.

Call the plaintiff!

Recit.Usher.

Oh, Angelina! Angelina!! Come thou into Court.

Enter theBridesmaids, each bearing two palm branches, their arms crossed on their bosoms, and rose-wreaths on their arms.

Chorus ofBridesmaids.

Comes the broken flower—Comes the cheated maid—Though the tempest lower,Rain and cloud will fade!Take, oh maid, these posies:Though thy beauty rareShame the blushing roses,They are passing fair!Wear the flowers till they fade:Happy be thy life, oh maid!

Comes the broken flower—

Comes the cheated maid—

Though the tempest lower,

Rain and cloud will fade!

Take, oh maid, these posies:

Though thy beauty rare

Shame the blushing roses,

They are passing fair!

Wear the flowers till they fade:

Happy be thy life, oh maid!

(TheJudge, having taken a great fancy toFirst Bridesmaid, sends her a note byUsher, which she reads, kisses rapturously, and places in her bosom.)

Solo,Angelina.

O’er the season vernal,Time may cast a shade;Sunshine, if eternal,Makes the roses fade!Time may do his duty;Let the thief alone—Winter hath a beautyThat is all his own.Fairest days are sun and shade:I am no unhappy maid!

O’er the season vernal,

Time may cast a shade;

Sunshine, if eternal,

Makes the roses fade!

Time may do his duty;

Let the thief alone—

Winter hath a beauty

That is all his own.

Fairest days are sun and shade:

I am no unhappy maid!

(By this time theJudgehas transferred his admiration toAngelina.)

Chorus ofBridesmaids.

Comes the broken flower, &c.

(During ChorusAngelinacollects wreaths of roses fromBridesmaidsand gives them to theJury, who put them on, and wear them during the rest of the piece.)

Judge(toAssociate.)

Oh, never, never, never, since I joined the human race,Saw I so exquisitely fair a face.

Oh, never, never, never, since I joined the human race,

Saw I so exquisitely fair a face.

The Jury(shaking their forefingers atJudge).

Ah, sly dog! Ah, sly dog!

Judge(toJury).

How say you, is she not designed for capture?

Foreman(after consulting with theJury).

We’ve but one word, my lord, and that is—Rapture!

Plaintiff(courtesying).

Your kindness, gentlemen, quite overpowers!

The Jury.

We love you fondly, and would make you ours!

The Bridesmaids(shaking their forefingers atJury).

Ah, sly dogs! Ah, sly dogs!

CounselforPlaintiff(recit.)

May it please you, my lud!Gentlemen of the Jury!

May it please you, my lud!

Gentlemen of the Jury!

Aria.

With a sense of deep emotion,I approach this painful case;For I never had a notionThat a man could be so base,Or deceive a girl confiding,Vows,etcætera, deriding.

With a sense of deep emotion,

I approach this painful case;

For I never had a notion

That a man could be so base,

Or deceive a girl confiding,

Vows,etcætera, deriding.

All.

He deceived a girl confiding,Vows,etcætera, deriding.

He deceived a girl confiding,

Vows,etcætera, deriding.

(Plaintifffalls sobbing onCounsel’sbreast, and remains there.)

Counsel.

See my interesting client,Victim of a heartless wile!See the traitor all defiantWears a supercilious smile!Sweetly smiled my client on him.Coyly woo’d and gently won him!

See my interesting client,

Victim of a heartless wile!

See the traitor all defiant

Wears a supercilious smile!

Sweetly smiled my client on him.

Coyly woo’d and gently won him!

All.

Sweetly smiled, &c.

Counsel.

Swiftly fled each honeyed hourSpent with this unmanly male!Camberwell became a bower,Peckham an Arcadian Vale,Breathing concentrated otto!—An-existenceà laWatteau.

Swiftly fled each honeyed hour

Spent with this unmanly male!

Camberwell became a bower,

Peckham an Arcadian Vale,

Breathing concentrated otto!—

An-existenceà laWatteau.

All.

Bless us, concentrated otto! &c.

Counsel(coming down withPlaintiff, who is still sobbing on his breast).

Picture, then, my client namingAnd insisting on the day:Picture him excuses framing—Going from her far away;Doubly criminal to do so,For the maid had bought hertrousseau!

Picture, then, my client naming

And insisting on the day:

Picture him excuses framing—

Going from her far away;

Doubly criminal to do so,

For the maid had bought hertrousseau!

All.

Doubly criminal, &c.

Counsel(toPlaintiff, who weeps).

Cheer up, my pretty—oh, cheer up!

Jury.

Cheer up, cheer up, we love you!

(CounselleadsPlaintifffondly into Witness-box; he takes a tender leave of her and resumes his place in Court.)

(Plaintiffreels, as if about to faint.)

Judge.

That she is reelingIs plain to me!

That she is reeling

Is plain to me!

Foreman.

If faint you’re feeling,Recline on me!

If faint you’re feeling,

Recline on me!

(She falls sobbing on to the foreman’s breast.)

Plaintiff(feebly).

I shall recoverIf left alone.

I shall recover

If left alone.

All(shaking their fists atDefendant).

Oh, perjured lover,Atone! atone!

Oh, perjured lover,

Atone! atone!

Foreman.

Just like a fatherI wish to be. (Kissing her.)

Just like a father

I wish to be. (Kissing her.)

Judge(approaching her).

Or, if you’d rather,Recline on me!

Or, if you’d rather,

Recline on me!

(She staggers on to bench, sits down by theJudge, and falls sobbing on his breast.)

Counsel.

Oh! fetch some waterFrom far Cologne!

Oh! fetch some water

From far Cologne!

All.

For this sad slaughterAtone! atone!

For this sad slaughter

Atone! atone!

Jury(shaking fists atDefendant).

Monster, monster, dread our fury,There’s the Judge, and we’re the Jury!

Monster, monster, dread our fury,

There’s the Judge, and we’re the Jury!

Song,Defendant.

Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray,Though I own that my heart has been ranging,Of nature the laws I obey,For nature is constantly changing.The moon in her phases is found,The time and the wind and the weather,The months in succession come round,And you don’t find two Mondays together.Consider the moral, I pray,Nor bring a young fellow to sorrow,Who loves this young lady to-day,And loves that young lady to-morrow.

Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray,

Though I own that my heart has been ranging,

Of nature the laws I obey,

For nature is constantly changing.

The moon in her phases is found,

The time and the wind and the weather,

The months in succession come round,

And you don’t find two Mondays together.

Consider the moral, I pray,

Nor bring a young fellow to sorrow,

Who loves this young lady to-day,

And loves that young lady to-morrow.

Bridesmaids(rushing forward, and kneeling toJury).

Consider the moral, &c.

You can not eat breakfast all day,Nor is it the act of a sinner,When breakfast is taken away,To turn your attention to dinner;And it’s not in the range of belief,That you could hold him as a glutton,Who, when he is tired of beef,Determines to tackle the mutton.But this I am ready to say,If it will appease their sorrow,I’ll marry one lady to-day,And I’ll marry the other to-morrow.

You can not eat breakfast all day,

Nor is it the act of a sinner,

When breakfast is taken away,

To turn your attention to dinner;

And it’s not in the range of belief,

That you could hold him as a glutton,

Who, when he is tired of beef,

Determines to tackle the mutton.

But this I am ready to say,

If it will appease their sorrow,

I’ll marry one lady to-day,

And I’ll marry the other to-morrow.

Bridesmaids(rushing forward as before).

But this he is ready to say, &c.

Judge(recit.)

That seems a reasonable proposition,To which I think your client may agree.

That seems a reasonable proposition,

To which I think your client may agree.

All.

Oh, Judge discerning!

Counsel.

But, I submit, my lord, with all submission,To marry two at once is Burglaree!

But, I submit, my lord, with all submission,

To marry two at once is Burglaree!

(Referring to law book.)

In the reign of James the Second,It was generally reckonedAs a very serious crimeTo marry two wives at one time.

In the reign of James the Second,

It was generally reckoned

As a very serious crime

To marry two wives at one time.

(Hands book up toJudge, who reads it.)

All.

Oh, man of learning!

Quartette.

Judge.A nice dilemma we have here,That calls for all our wit:Counsel.And at this stage it don’t appearThat we can settle it.Defendant.If I to wed the girl am lothA breach ’twill surely be!Plaintiff.And if he goes and marries bothIt counts as Burglaree!All.Anice dilemma, &c.

Judge.

A nice dilemma we have here,That calls for all our wit:

A nice dilemma we have here,

That calls for all our wit:

Counsel.

And at this stage it don’t appearThat we can settle it.

And at this stage it don’t appear

That we can settle it.

Defendant.

If I to wed the girl am lothA breach ’twill surely be!

If I to wed the girl am loth

A breach ’twill surely be!

Plaintiff.

And if he goes and marries bothIt counts as Burglaree!

And if he goes and marries both

It counts as Burglaree!

All.

Anice dilemma, &c.

Duet,PlaintiffandDefendant.

Plaintiff(embracingDefendantrapturously).I love him—I love him—with fervor unceasing,I worship and madly adore;My blind adoration is always increasing,My loss I shall ever deplore.Oh, see what a blessing—what love and caressingI’ve lost, and remember it, pray,When you I’m addressing, are busy assessingThe damages Edwin must pay.Defendant(repelling her furiously).I smoke like a furnace—I’m always in liquor,A ruffian—a bully—a sot.I’m sure I should thrash her—perhaps I should kick her,I am such a very bad lot!I’m not prepossessing, as you may be guessing,She couldn’t endure me a day!Recall my professing when you are assessingThe damages Edwin must pay!(She clings to him passionately; he drags her round stage, and flings her to the ground.)Jury.We would be fairly acting,But this is most distracting!Judge(recit.).The question, gentlemen, is one of liquor;You ask for guidance—this is my reply:If he, when tipsy, would assault and kick her,Let’s make him tipsy, gentlemen, and try!Counsel.With all respectI do object!All.With all respectWe do object!Defendant.I don’t object!All.We do object!Judge(tossing his books and papers about).All the legal furies seize you!No proposal seems to please you,I can’t stop up here all day,I must shortly go away.Barristers, and you, attorneys,Set out on your homeward journeys;Put your briefs upon the shelf,I will marry her myself!(He comes down from Bench to floor of Court. He embracesAngelina.)Finale.Plaintiff.Oh, joy unbounded!With wealth surrounded,The knell is soundedOf grief and woe.Counsel.With love devotedOn you he’s doted:To castle moatedAway they go!Defendant.I wonder whetherThey’ll live togetherIn marriage tetherIn manner true?Usher.It seems to me, sir,Of such as she, sir,A judge is he, sir,A good judge too.Chorus.It seems to me, sir, &c.Judge.Oh, yes, I am a Judge.All.And a good Judge too!Judge.Oh, yes, I am a Judge.All.And a good Judge too!Judge.Though homeward as you trudge,You declare my law is fudge,Yet of beauty I’m a judge.All.And a good judge too!(JudgeandPlaintiffdance back on to the Bench—theBridesmaidstake the eight garlands of roses from behind the Judge’s desk (where one end of them is fastened) and draw them across floor of Court, so that they radiate from the desk. Two plaster Cupids in bar wigs descend from flies. Red fire.)

Plaintiff(embracingDefendantrapturously).

I love him—I love him—with fervor unceasing,I worship and madly adore;My blind adoration is always increasing,My loss I shall ever deplore.Oh, see what a blessing—what love and caressingI’ve lost, and remember it, pray,When you I’m addressing, are busy assessingThe damages Edwin must pay.

I love him—I love him—with fervor unceasing,

I worship and madly adore;

My blind adoration is always increasing,

My loss I shall ever deplore.

Oh, see what a blessing—what love and caressing

I’ve lost, and remember it, pray,

When you I’m addressing, are busy assessing

The damages Edwin must pay.

Defendant(repelling her furiously).

I smoke like a furnace—I’m always in liquor,A ruffian—a bully—a sot.I’m sure I should thrash her—perhaps I should kick her,I am such a very bad lot!I’m not prepossessing, as you may be guessing,She couldn’t endure me a day!Recall my professing when you are assessingThe damages Edwin must pay!

I smoke like a furnace—I’m always in liquor,

A ruffian—a bully—a sot.

I’m sure I should thrash her—perhaps I should kick her,

I am such a very bad lot!

I’m not prepossessing, as you may be guessing,

She couldn’t endure me a day!

Recall my professing when you are assessing

The damages Edwin must pay!

(She clings to him passionately; he drags her round stage, and flings her to the ground.)

Jury.

We would be fairly acting,But this is most distracting!

We would be fairly acting,

But this is most distracting!

Judge(recit.).

The question, gentlemen, is one of liquor;You ask for guidance—this is my reply:If he, when tipsy, would assault and kick her,Let’s make him tipsy, gentlemen, and try!

The question, gentlemen, is one of liquor;

You ask for guidance—this is my reply:

If he, when tipsy, would assault and kick her,

Let’s make him tipsy, gentlemen, and try!

Counsel.

With all respectI do object!

With all respect

I do object!

All.

With all respectWe do object!

With all respect

We do object!

Defendant.

I don’t object!

All.

We do object!

Judge(tossing his books and papers about).

All the legal furies seize you!No proposal seems to please you,I can’t stop up here all day,I must shortly go away.Barristers, and you, attorneys,Set out on your homeward journeys;Put your briefs upon the shelf,I will marry her myself!

All the legal furies seize you!

No proposal seems to please you,

I can’t stop up here all day,

I must shortly go away.

Barristers, and you, attorneys,

Set out on your homeward journeys;

Put your briefs upon the shelf,

I will marry her myself!

(He comes down from Bench to floor of Court. He embracesAngelina.)

Finale.

Plaintiff.

Oh, joy unbounded!With wealth surrounded,The knell is soundedOf grief and woe.

Oh, joy unbounded!

With wealth surrounded,

The knell is sounded

Of grief and woe.

Counsel.

With love devotedOn you he’s doted:To castle moatedAway they go!

With love devoted

On you he’s doted:

To castle moated

Away they go!

Defendant.

I wonder whetherThey’ll live togetherIn marriage tetherIn manner true?

I wonder whether

They’ll live together

In marriage tether

In manner true?

Usher.

It seems to me, sir,Of such as she, sir,A judge is he, sir,A good judge too.

It seems to me, sir,

Of such as she, sir,

A judge is he, sir,

A good judge too.

Chorus.

It seems to me, sir, &c.

Judge.

Oh, yes, I am a Judge.

All.

And a good Judge too!

Judge.

Oh, yes, I am a Judge.

All.

And a good Judge too!

Judge.

Though homeward as you trudge,You declare my law is fudge,Yet of beauty I’m a judge.

Though homeward as you trudge,

You declare my law is fudge,

Yet of beauty I’m a judge.

All.

And a good judge too!

(JudgeandPlaintiffdance back on to the Bench—theBridesmaidstake the eight garlands of roses from behind the Judge’s desk (where one end of them is fastened) and draw them across floor of Court, so that they radiate from the desk. Two plaster Cupids in bar wigs descend from flies. Red fire.)

Franklin Press: Rand, Avery, & Co., Boston.

TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE.Some obvious misprints have been corrected.Archaic and unusual spellings have been maintained.The page number listed in the Table of Contents is the cover page for that play. In the original book, the page number listed for each play was the first page of the text of the play. Also, the Note, Table of Contents and the Transcriber’s Note have been added to the Table of Contents.The cover was created by the transcriber and is placed in the public domain.In ‘Charity’ the character Ruth speaks in pidgin.The corrections to the text which are listed below, appear in the text likethis(try mouse over).In ‘THE WICKED WORLD’:On page63:_Dar._ Go, sir, get thee gone!Originally:_Dar._ Go, sir, get thee gone?In ‘THE PRINCESS’:On page253:Give her a sou!Originally:Giver her a sou!On page270:_Chrys._ He’s vinegar, my lord, and we are oil.Originally:_Chyrs._ He’s vinegar, my lord, and we are oil.In the play ‘CHARITY’ on page 191, where it says “Ruth (rushing forward)”—this does not say it is an entrance, but since she is not on stage at the time, I assume that this is her entrance.

Some obvious misprints have been corrected.

Archaic and unusual spellings have been maintained.

The page number listed in the Table of Contents is the cover page for that play. In the original book, the page number listed for each play was the first page of the text of the play. Also, the Note, Table of Contents and the Transcriber’s Note have been added to the Table of Contents.

The cover was created by the transcriber and is placed in the public domain.

In ‘Charity’ the character Ruth speaks in pidgin.

In the play ‘CHARITY’ on page 191, where it says “Ruth (rushing forward)”—this does not say it is an entrance, but since she is not on stage at the time, I assume that this is her entrance.

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