ACT IIScene 1.—Oriel Chamber in one.Enter Mrs. Mountchessington and Augusta, L. 1 E., dressed for Archery Meeting.Mrs MNo, my dear Augusta, you must be very careful. I don't by any means want you to give up De Boots, his expectations are excellent, but, pray be attentive to this American savage, as I rather think he will prove the better match of the two, if what I hear of Mark Trenchard's property be correct.Aug[Disdainfully.] Yes, ma.Mrs MAnd look more cheerful, my love.AugI am so tired, ma, of admiring things I hate.Mrs. MYes, my poor love, yet we must all make sacrifices to society. Look at your poor sister, with the appetite.AugWhat am I to be enthusiastic about with that American, Ma?Mrs MOh! I hardly know yet, my dear. We must study him. I think if you read up Sam Slick a little, it might be useful, and just dip into Bancroft's History of the United States, or some of Russell's Letters; you should know something of George Washington, of whom the Americans are justly proud.AugHere he comes, ma. What a ridiculous figure he looks in that dress, ha! ha!Mrs MHush, my dear!Enter Asa, in Archery Dress.AugOh, Mr. Trenchard, why did you not bring me one of those lovely Indian's dresses of your boundless prairie?Mrs MYes, one of those dresses in which you hunt the buffalo.Aug[Extravagantly.] Yes, in which you hunt the buffalo.Asa[Imitating.] In which I hunt the buffalo. [Aside.] Buffaloes down in Vermont. [Aloud.] Wal, you see, them dresses are principally the nateral skin, tipped off with paint, and the indians object to parting with them.BothAhem! ahem!AsaThe first buffalo I see about here I shall hunt up for you.Mrs MOh, you Americans are so clever, and so acute.AugYes, so 'cute.AsaYes, we're 'cute, we are; know soft solder when we see it.Aug[Aside.] Ma, I do believe he's laughing at us.Mrs MOh, no, my dear, you are mistaken. Oh! I perceive they are appearing for the archery practice. I suppose we shall see you on the ground, Mr. Trenchard.AsaYes, I'll be there like a thousand of brick.AugA thousand of brick!Mrs MHush, my dear! that is doubtless some elegant American expression. Au revoir, Mr. Trenchard.AsaWhich?Mrs MAu revoir. [Exit with Augusta, R.]AsaNo, thank you, don't take any before dinner. No use their talking Dutch to me. Wal, I never see an old gal stand fire like that, she's a real old bison bull. I feel all-fired tuckered out riding in those keers. I'd like to have a snooze if I could find a place to lay down in. [Sees curtain on window, L. E.] Oh, this might do! [Pulls curtain, then starts back.] No you don't! One shower bath a day is enough for me. [Cautiously opens them.] No, I guess this is all right, I shall be just as snug in here as in a pew at meeting, or a private box at the Theatre. Hello! somebody's coming. [Goes into recess.]Enter Dundreary and Buddicombe, L. 1 E.BudMy lord—Dun[Business.]BudMy lord!Dun[Business.]BudYour lordship!! [Louder.]DunThere, now you've spoiled it.BudSpoiled what, my lord?DunSpoiled what, my lord; why, a most magnificent sneeze!BudI am very sorry, my lord.DunNow that I can speak alone with you, tell me about that hair dye. Have you found it?BudNot a trace of it, my lord.DunIf you don't find it, I'll discharge you.BudVery well, my lord. [Bows and exits, L. 1 E.]DunVery well, my lord! He's gone and lost my hair dye, and my hair turns red to-morrow, and when I ask him to find it for me or I'll discharge him, he says, "Very well, my lord." He's positively idiotic, he is— Ah! here comes Miss Georgina, that gorgeous creature—that lovely sufferer. [Exit, L. 1 E.]Asa[Looking out.] What's the price of hair dye? Hallo! he's coming again with that sick girl.Re-enter Dundreary and Georgina, L. 1 E.DunWill you try and strengthen your limbs with a gentle walk in the garden?Georgina No, thank you, my lord. I'm so delicate. Oh, my lord, it is so painful to walk languidly through life, to be unable, at times, to bear the perfumes of one's favorite flowers. Even those violets you sent me yesterday I was compelled to have removed from my room, the perfume was too strong for me. I'msodelicate.DunYes, Miss Georgina; but they're very strengthening flowers, you know.GeoYes, my lord, you are always right.DunDo you know I'm getting to be very robust?GeoWould I could share that fault with you; but I am so delicate.DunIf you were robust I should not love you as I do. It would deprive you of that charm which enchains me to your lovely side, which—which—GeoOh, my lord, my lord! I'm going to faint.DunAnd I'm going to sneeze, you faint while I sneeze.Geo[Taking his arm.] Oh! my lord.DunDo you know what a sneeze is?GeoNo, my lord.DunShe never sneezed. I'll tell you what a sneeze is. Imagine a very large spider.Geo[Screams.] Where, my lord?DunNo, no, I don't mean a real spider, only an imaginary one, a large spider getting up your nose, and all of a sudden, much to his disgust, he discovers he has put his foot in it and can't get it out again.GeoThat must be very distressing.DunFor the spider, yes, and not very pleasant for the nose.GeoOh! my lord, do take me to mamma.DunNo, you lovely sufferer, let's walk a little more.GeoI can't my lord, I'msodelicate.DunWell, then, exercise, imitate that little hop of mine. [Hops.] It isn't a run, it's a—GeoWhat is it?DunNo, it isn't a what is it. Well, let me suppose I get you an oyster. [Georgina shakes her head.] Oh! then suppose I get you an oyster.GeoNo, my lord, I'm too delicate.DunHow would you like the left wing of a canary bird?GeoNo, my lord, it's too strong for me.DunLet me ask you a widdle—why does a duck go under water? for divers reasons. Now I'll give you another—why does a duck come out of the water? for sundry reasons. No! No! see, you live on suction, you're like that bird with a long bill, they call doctor, no, that's not it, I thought it was a doctor, because it has a long bill—I mean a snipe—yes, you're a lovely snipe. [Exeunt, R.]Asa[Looking after them.] There goes a load of wooden nutmegs. Hello, here comes somebody else.Enter Florence, R., with paper.Flo. [Reads.] "One who still remembers what he ought long since to have forgotten, wishes to speak with Miss Trenchard." Florence scratched out, "on matters of life and death, near the orel, in the west gallery," Written upon a dirty sheet of paper, in a hardly legible hand. What does this mean; it opens like one of Mrs. Radcliffe's romances. Well, here I am, and now for my correspondent.Enter Murcott, L.MurOh! for one minute's clear head, Miss Florence.FloI presume you are the writer of this?MurYes, I am.FloYou address me as an old acquaintance, but I do not recognize you.MurSo much the better. So much the better.FloI hate mystery, sir; but you see I have come to rendezvous. I must know to whom I am speaking.MurAs frank as ever. I am Abel Murcott.FloStarting back! You?MurDo not be ashamed, I have not the strength to injure you, if I had the evil. In this shabby, broken down drunkard you need not fear the madman, who years ago forgot in his frantic passion the gulf that lay between your station and his own. I am harmless except to my self.FloSpeak on, sir; I hear you.MurI need not tell you by what steps I came to this, you don't know, maybe you never knew, what a maddening thing a passion is when it turns against itself. After being expelled from my tutorship in this house, I lost my employment, self respect, hope. I sought to drown recollection and draw courage from drink. It only embittered remembrances, and destroyed the little courage I had left. That I have bread to eat, I owe to Mr. Coyle; he employed me as his clerk. You know he has been with your father this morning. I have come to tell you my errand; are you as brave as you used to be when I knew—FloI fear nothing.MurI come to tell you of your father's ruin, his utter ruin.FloMy father's ruin? What? What?MurHis estates are mortgaged, his creditors clamorous. The Bailiffs will be in Trenchard Manor to-day, disguised as your own servants. This much Mr. Coyle has conceded to your father's respect for appearances.FloThen beggary stares him in the face. Poor father, what a sad blow for him. Is that all, sir?MurNo; the worst remains.FloGo on, sir.MurCoyle knows your father's weakness and as a means of escape from ruin to the verge of which he has brought him, he has this day proposed for your hand.FloMine!MurOn consideration of settling on you the Ravensdale Estate.FloAnd my father, how did he listen to such insolence?MurYou know as well as I do how he would hear such a proposal, at first a torrent of rage, then the strong ebb of selfishness set in, and he consented to listen to the terms, to view them as something to be considered, to consider them.FloGood Heavens, can this be true? No, I will not believe it of my father, and from such lips.MurYou have full right to think this and to say it, but mark your father and Coyle to-day. You will then see if I speak truth or not.FloForgive my distrust, Mr. Murcott.MurI am past taking offence or feeling scorn, I have carried more than can be heaped upon me, but I did not come only to give you warning of your danger.FloCan you avert it?Asa(Coming down between them). Wal, stranger that's just the question I was going to ask.FloYou here, sir, and listening.AsaWal, it wasn't purpose, I went in there to take a snooze, I heard you talking and I thought it wouldn't be polite of me not to listen to what you had to say. I'm a rough sort of a customer, and don't know much about the ways of great folks. But I've got a cool head, a stout arm, and a willing heart, and I think I can help you, just as one cousin ought to help another.FloWell, I do think you are honest.MurShall I go on?FloYes, we will trust him, go on.MurI found the Ravensdale mortgage while rumaging in an old deed box of Coyle's father's, there was a folded paper inside the deed. I took both to Coyle unopened, like a besotted fool that I was. My belief is strong that the paper was the release of the mortgage that the money had been paid off, and the release executed without the seals having been cut from the original mortgage. I have known such things happen.AsaHave ye, now? Well, if a Yankee lawyer had done such a thing he would have Judge Lynch after him in no time.MurYou can but find that release, we may unmask this diabolical fiend and save you.FloBut, surely, a villain of Coyle's stability would have destroyed the paper, the very key-stone of his fraud.MurI fear so.AsaDo you, now, wal, you're wrong, you're both wrong. I guess you ain't either on you done much cyphering human nature. The key stone of their fraud is just the point your mighty cute rascals always leave unsecured. Come along with me, stranger, and we'll just work up this sum a little, two heads are better than one. Yours is a little muddled, but mine's pretty clear, and if I don't circumvent that old sarpint, Coyle—FloWell?AsaSay I am a skunk, that's all, and that's the meanest kind of an animal. [Exit L. 1st E.]FloI owe you much, Mr. Murcott, more than I can ever repay.MurNo, no, no, if you did but know the hope of seeing you has roused all the manhood that drink and misery has left me. God bless you, Miss Florence.FloNo, you don't call me Florence as you did when I was the truant pupil and you the indulgent tutor. [Offers her hand.]MurNo, no; for heaven's sake do not call back that time or I shall go mad! mad! mad. [Rushes off, L. 1 E., followed by Florence.]Scene 2—Park in 4. Rural cottage, L. 1 E., adjoining which, and projecting on stage an inside view of a dairy with sloping roof, painting backing to look like milk pans. The whole scene should have a picturesque appearance. Garden fence run across back, ornamental gate or archway, R. 3 E. Pigeon house on pole near dairy, L. C. Spinning wheel inside cottage door, one or two rustic benches, R. and L.Enter John, R. 3 E., with two milk pails on a yoke, puts them down near dairy, then looks off, R. 3 E.JohnThere they go, that's a bull's eye, I warrant. Dang me though, if I wouldn't rather see Miss Mary than this cock robin sports yonder, here she comes. Good morning, Miss Mary. [Enter Mary from cottage L.]MaryOh, Wickens, you are there. How kind of you to help me with the milk pails to-day, when all the lads and lasses have given themselves a holiday to see the shooting.JohnAh, Miss Mary, you ought to be among then, with a green hat and feather, if all had their rights.Mary[Laughing.] Nay, ladies without a farthing in the world, ought to put aside their ladyships and make themselves: besides I'm proud of my dairy here, just help me with this troublesome fellow, steady, don't shake it, the cream is foaming so beautifully. There. [John carries pan into cottage and returns down, R.]JohnNow, Miss Mary, what can I do for you?MaryLet me see; well, really, I do believe, Wickens, I've nothing to do but amuse myself.JohnDang it, Miss, that's a pity, cos I can't help you at that, you see.MaryOh! Yes, bring me out dear old Welsh nurse's spinning wheel [Exit John into cottage, L. 2 E.] by the side of which I have stood so often, a round eyed baby wondering at its whirring wheel. [Reenter John with wheel, places it near cottage, L. 2 E.] There, that will do famously. I can catch the full scent of the jessamines.John[R. C.] Anything more, Miss Mary?MaryNo, thank you, Wickens!John[Going.] Good morning, Miss Mary.MaryGood morning, Wickens.John[Returning.] Is there anything I can get for you, Miss Mary?Mary[Spinning.] Nothing, thank you.JohnDang me if I wouldn't like to stop all day, and watch her pretty figure and run errands for her. [Exit R. 3 E., crosses behind fence.]MaryPoor Wickens is not the only one who thinks I am a very ill-used young body. Now I don't think so. Grandfather was rich, but he must have had a bad heart, or he never could have cast off poor mamma; had he adopted me, I should never have been so happy as I am now, uncle is kind to me in his pompous, patronizing way, and dear Florence loves me like a sister, and so I am happy. I am my own mistress here, and not anybody's humble servant, I sometimes find myself singing as the birds do, because I can't help it [Song, "Maid with the milking pail," can be introduced here.]Enter Florence and Asa through gate, R. 3 E.FloCome along, cousin, come along. I want to introduce you to my little cousin. [Kisses Mary.] I've brought you a visitor, Miss Mary Meredith, Mr. Asa Trenchard, our American cousin. [They shake hands.] That will do for the present. This young gentleman has carried off the prize by three successive shots in the bull's eye.MaryI congratulate you, sir, and am happy to see you.Asa[Shakes hands again.] Thank you, Miss.FloThat will do for a beginning.Asa[ Aside.] And so that is Mark Trenchard's grandchild.MaryWhy have you left the archery, Florence?FloBecause, after Mr. Asa's display, I felt in no humor for shooting, and I have some very grave business with my cousin here.MaryYou? Grave business? Why I thought you never had any graver business than being very pretty, very amiable, and very ready to be amused.AsaWal, Miss, I guess the first comes natural round these diggins. [Bows.]MaryYou are very polite. This is my domain, sir, and I shall be happy to show you, that is, if you understand anything about a dairy.FloYes, by the way, do you understand anything about dairies in America?AsaWal, I guess I do know something about cow juice. [They turn to smother laugh.] Why, if it ain't all as bright and clean as a fresh washed shirt just off the clover, and is this all your doin's, Miss?MaryYes, sir, I milk the cows, set up the milk, superintend the churning and make the cheese.AsaWal, darn me if you ain't the first raal right down useful gal I've seen on this side the pond.FloWhat's that, sir? Do you want to make me jealous?AsaOh, no, you needn't get your back up, you are the right sort too, but you must own you're small potatoes, and few in a hill compared to a gal like that.FloI'm what?AsaSmall potatoes.FloWill you be kind enough to translate that for me, for I don't understand American yet.AsaYes, I'll put it in French for you, "petite pommes des terres."FloAh, it's very clear now; but, cousin, do tell me what you mean by calling me small potatoes.AsaWal, you can sing and paint, and play on the pianner, and in your own particular circle you are some pumpkins.FloSome pumpkins, first I am small potatoes, and now I'm some pumpkins.AsaBut she, she can milk cows, set up the butter, make cheese, and, darn me, if them ain't what I call raal downright feminine accomplishments.FloI do believe you are right cousin, so Mary do allow me to congratulate you upon not being small potatoes.MaryWell, I must look to my dairy or all my last week's milk will be spoiled. Good bye, Florence, dear. Good bye, Mr. Trenchard. Good morning, sir. [Exit into Cottage.]Asa[Following her to door.] Good morning, Miss. I'll call again.FloWell, cousin, what do you think of her?AsaAin't she a regular snorter?FloA what?AsaWal, perhaps I should make myself more intelligable, if I said, a squeeler, and to think I'm keepin' that everlasting angel of a gal out of her fortune all along of this bit of paper here.FloWhat is that? [Takes paper from pocket.]AsaOld Mark Trenchard's will.FloDon't show it to me, I don't want to look at it, the fortune should have come to Mary, she is the only relation in the direct line.AsaSay, cousin, you've not told her that darned property was left to me, have you?FloDo you think I had the heart to tell her of her misfortune?AsaWal, darn me, if you didn't show your good sense at any rate. [Goes up to dairy.]FloWell, what are you doing, showingyourgood sense?AsaOh, you go long.FloSay, cousin, I guess I've got you on a string now, as I heard you say this morning.AsaWal, what if you have, didn't I see you casting sheep's eyes at that sailor man this morning? Ah, I reckon I've got you on a string now. Say, has he got that ship yet?FloNo, he hasn't, though I've used all my powers of persuasion with that Lord Dundreary, and his father has so much influence with the admiralty.AsaWal, din't he drop like a smoked possum?FloThere you go, more American. No, he said he was very sorry, but he couldn't.Asa[Taking bottle out.] Oh, he did, did he? Wal, I guess he'll do his best all the same.FloI shall be missed at the archery grounds. Will you take me back?AsaLike a streak of lightning. [Offers arm and takes her to dairy.]FloThat's not the way.AsaNo, of course not. [Takes her round stage back to dairy.]FloWell, but where are you going now?AsaI was just going round. I say, cousin, don't you think you could find your way back alone.FloWhy, what doyouwant to do?AsaWal, I just wanted to see how they make cheese is this darned country. [Exits into dairy.]Flo[Laughing.] And they call that man a savage; well, I only wish we had a few more such savages in England.Dun[Without, R. 2 E.] This way, lovely sufferer.FloAh, here's Dundreary.[Dundreary enters with Georgina, places her in rustic chair, R.]DunThere, repothe yourself.GeoThank you, my lord; you are so kind to me, and I am so delicate.FloYes, you look delicate, dear; how is she this morning any better?DunWhen she recovers, she'll be better.FloI'm afraid you don't take good care of her, you are so rough.DunNo, I'm not wruff, either. [Sings.] I'm gentle and I'm kind, I'm —— I forget the restFloWell, good morning, dear—do take care of her—good day, Dundreary. [Exit through gate.]DunNow, let me administer to your wants. How would you like a roast chestnut?GeoNo, my lord, I'm too delicate.DunWell, then, a peanut; there is a great deal of nourishment in peanuts.GeoNo, thank you.DunThen what can I do for you?GeoIf you please, ask the dairy maid to let me have a seat in the dairy. I am afraid of the draft, here.DunOh! you want to get out of the draft, do you? Well, you're not the only one that wants to escape the draft. Is that the dairy on top of that stick? [Points to pigeon house.]GeoNo, my lord, that's the pigeon house.DunWhat do they keep in pigeon houses? Oh! pigeons, to be sure; they couldn't keep donkeys up there, could they? That's the dairy, I suppothe?GeoYes, my lord.DunWhat do they keep in dairies?GeoEggs, milk, butter and cheese.DunWhat's the name of that animal with a head on it? No, I don't mean that, all animals have heads. I mean those animals with something growing out of their heads.GeoA cow?DunA cow growing out of his head?GeoNo, no, horns.DunA cow! well, that accounts for the milk and butter; but I don't see the eggs; cows don't give eggs; then there's the cheese—do you like cheese?GeoNo, my lord.DunDoes your brother like cheese?GeoI have no brother. I'm so delicate.DunShe's so delicate, she hasn't got a brother. Well, if you had a brother do you think he'd like cheese?GeoI don't know; do please take me to the dairy.DunWell, I will see if I can get you a broiled sardine. [Exit into dairy.]Geo[Jumps up.] Oh! I'm so glad he's gone. I am so dreadful hungry. I should like a plate of corn beef and cabbage, eggs and bacon, or a slice of cold ham and pickles.Dun[Outside] Thank you, thank you.Geo[Running back to seat.] Here he comes. Oh! I am so delicate.Enter Dundreary.DunI beg you pardon, Miss Georgina, but I find upon enquiry that cows don't give sardines. But I've arranged it with the dairy maid so that you can have a seat by the window that overlooks the cow house and the pig sty, and all the pretty things.GeoI'm afraid I'm very troublesome.DunYes, you're very troublesome, you are. No, I mean you're a lovely sufferer, that's the idea. [They go up to cottage door.]Enter Asa, running against Dundreary.DunThere's that damned rhinoceros again. [Exit into cottage, with Georgina.]AsaThere goes that benighted aristocrat and that little toad of a sick gal. [Looks off.] There he's a settling her in a chair and covering her all over with shawls. Ah! it's a caution, how these women do fix our flint for us. Here he comes. [Takes out bottle.] How are you, hair dye. [Goes behind dairy.]Enter Dundreary.DunThat lovely Georgina puts me in mind of that beautiful piece of poetry. Let me see how it goes. The rose is red, the violet's blue. [Asa tips his hat over his eyes.]Dun[Repeats.]Asa[Repeats business.]Dun[Comes down, takes off hat, looking in it.] There must be something alive in that hat. [Goes up, and commences again.] The rose is red, the violet's blue, sugar is sweet, and so is somebody, and so is somebody else.Asaputs yoke on Dundreary's shoulders gently. Dundreary comes down with pails.DunI wonder what the devil that is? [Lowers one, then the other, they trip him up.] Oh, I see, somebody has been fishing and caught a pail. [Goes hopping up stage, stumbling over against spinning wheel. Looks at yarn on stick.] Why, what a little old man. [Sees Asa.] Say, Mr. Exile, what the devil is this?AsaThat is a steam engine, and will bust in about a minute.DunWell, I haven't a minute to spare, so I'll not wait till it busts. [Crosses to R., knocks against private box, R. H., apologizes.]AsaSay, whiskers, I want to ask a favor of you.Dun[Attempts to sneeze.] Now I've got it.AsaWal, but say. [Dundreary's sneezing bus.]Asa[Takes his hand.] How are you. [Squeezes it.]DunThere, you've spoiled it.AsaSpoiled what?DunSpoiled what! why a magnificent sneeze.AsaOh! was that what you was trying to get through you?DunGet through me: he's mad.AsaWal, now, the naked truth is—[Leans arm on Dundreary's shoulder. Bus. by Dundreary.] Oh, come now, don't be putting on airs. Say, do you know Lieut. Vernon?DunSlightly.AsaWal, what do you think of him, on an average?DunThink of a man on an average?AsaWal, I think he's a real hoss, and he wants a ship.DunWell if he's a real hoss, he must want a carriage.AsaDarn me, if that ain't good.DunThat's good.AsaYes, that is good.DunVery good.AsaVery good, indeed,for you.DunNow I've got it. [Tries to sneeze.]AsaWal, now, I say. [Dundreary trying to sneeze.]AsaWhat, are you at that again?Dundreary business. Asa bites his finger. Dundreary goes up, stumbles against chair and comes down again.DunI've got the influenza.AsaGot the what?DunHe says I've got a wart. I've got the influenza.AsaThat's it exactly. I want your influence, sir, to get that ship.DunThat's good.AsaYes, that's good, ain't it.DunVery good.AsaYes, darn me, if that ain't good.DunFor you. Ha! ha! One on that Yankee.AsaWell done, Britisher. Wal, now, about that ship?DunI want all my influence, sir, for my own w—w—welations. [Stammering.]AsaOh! you want it for your own w—w—welations. [Mimicing.]DunI say, sir. [Asa pretends deafness. This bus. is ad. lib.]AsaEh?DunHe's hard of hearing, and thinks he's in a balloon. Mister.AsaEh?DunHe thinks he can hear with his nose. I say—AsaEh?Dundreary turns Asa's nose around with his thumb. Asa puts his two hands up to Dundreary's.DunNow he thinks he's a musical instrument. I say—AsaWhat?DunYou stutter. I'll give you a k—k—k—AsaNo you won't give me a kick.DunI'll give you a c—c—card to a doctor and he'll c—c—c—AsaNo he won't kick me, either.DunHe's idiotic. I don't mean that, he'll cure you.AsaSame one that cured you?DunThe same.AsaWal, if you're cured I want to stay sick. He must be a mighty smart man.DunA very clever man, he is.AsaWal, darn me, if there ain't a physiological change taking place. Your whiskers at this moment—DunMy whiskers!AsaYes, about the ends they're as black as a niggers in billing time, and near the roots they're all speckled and streaked.Dun[Horror struck.] My whiskers speckled and streaked?Asa[Showing bottle.] Now, this is a wonderful invention.DunMy hair dye. My dear sir.Asa[Squeezing his hand.] How are you?DunDear Mr. Trenchard.Puts arm on shoulder. Asa repeats Dundreary business, putting on eyeglass, hopping round the stage and stroking whiskers.DunHe's mad, he's deaf, he squints, stammers and he's a hopper.AsaNow, look here, you get the Lieut. a ship and I'll give you the bottle. It's a fine swap.DunWhat the devil is a swap?AsaWell, you give me the ship, and I'll give you the bottle to boot.DunWhat do I want of your boots? I haven't got a ship about me.AsaYou'd better make haste or your whiskers will be changed again. They'll be a pea green in about a minute.Dun[Crosses to L.] Pea green! [Exits hastily into house.]AsaI guess I've got a ring in his nose now. I wonder how that sick gal is getting along? Wal, darn me, if the dying swallow ain't pitching into ham and eggs and home-made bread, wal, she's a walking into the fodder like a farmer arter a day's work rail splitting. I'll just give her a start. How de do, Miss, allow me to congratulate you on the return of your appetite. [Georgina scream.] Guess I've got a ring in her pretty nose now. [Looks off, R.] Hello! here comes the lickers and shooters, it's about time I took my medicine, I reckon.Enter, from R. 2. E., Sir E., Mrs. M. Florence, Vernon, Augusta, De Boots, Wickens, Coyle, Sharpe, Binny, Skillet, Buddicombe, two servants in livery, carrying tray and glasses, a wine basket containing four bottles to represent champagne, knife to cut strings, some powerful acid in one bottle for Asa—pop sure.Sir ENow to distribute the prizes, and drink to the health of the winner of the golden arrow.FloAnd there must stand the hero of the day. Come, kneel down.AsaMust I kneel down?FloI am going to crown you Capt. of the Archers of Trenchard Manor.Asa[Aside to Florence.] I've got the ship.FloNo; have you?Sir ECome, ladies and gentlemen, take from me. [Takes glasses, Starts on seeing me in livery.] Who are these strange faces?Coyle[In his ear.] Bailiffs, Sir Edward.Sir EBailiffs! Florence I am lost.[Florence supports her father. At the same moment Dundreary enters with letter and money. Georgina appears at dairy door as Dundreary comes down, L. Asa cuts string of bottle, cork hits Dundreary. General commotion as drop descends.]
Scene 1.—Oriel Chamber in one.
Enter Mrs. Mountchessington and Augusta, L. 1 E., dressed for Archery Meeting.
Mrs MNo, my dear Augusta, you must be very careful. I don't by any means want you to give up De Boots, his expectations are excellent, but, pray be attentive to this American savage, as I rather think he will prove the better match of the two, if what I hear of Mark Trenchard's property be correct.
Aug[Disdainfully.] Yes, ma.
Mrs MAnd look more cheerful, my love.
AugI am so tired, ma, of admiring things I hate.
Mrs. MYes, my poor love, yet we must all make sacrifices to society. Look at your poor sister, with the appetite.
AugWhat am I to be enthusiastic about with that American, Ma?
Mrs MOh! I hardly know yet, my dear. We must study him. I think if you read up Sam Slick a little, it might be useful, and just dip into Bancroft's History of the United States, or some of Russell's Letters; you should know something of George Washington, of whom the Americans are justly proud.
AugHere he comes, ma. What a ridiculous figure he looks in that dress, ha! ha!
Mrs MHush, my dear!
Enter Asa, in Archery Dress.
AugOh, Mr. Trenchard, why did you not bring me one of those lovely Indian's dresses of your boundless prairie?
Mrs MYes, one of those dresses in which you hunt the buffalo.
Aug[Extravagantly.] Yes, in which you hunt the buffalo.
Asa[Imitating.] In which I hunt the buffalo. [Aside.] Buffaloes down in Vermont. [Aloud.] Wal, you see, them dresses are principally the nateral skin, tipped off with paint, and the indians object to parting with them.
BothAhem! ahem!
AsaThe first buffalo I see about here I shall hunt up for you.
Mrs MOh, you Americans are so clever, and so acute.
AugYes, so 'cute.
AsaYes, we're 'cute, we are; know soft solder when we see it.
Aug[Aside.] Ma, I do believe he's laughing at us.
Mrs MOh, no, my dear, you are mistaken. Oh! I perceive they are appearing for the archery practice. I suppose we shall see you on the ground, Mr. Trenchard.
AsaYes, I'll be there like a thousand of brick.
AugA thousand of brick!
Mrs MHush, my dear! that is doubtless some elegant American expression. Au revoir, Mr. Trenchard.
AsaWhich?
Mrs MAu revoir. [Exit with Augusta, R.]
AsaNo, thank you, don't take any before dinner. No use their talking Dutch to me. Wal, I never see an old gal stand fire like that, she's a real old bison bull. I feel all-fired tuckered out riding in those keers. I'd like to have a snooze if I could find a place to lay down in. [Sees curtain on window, L. E.] Oh, this might do! [Pulls curtain, then starts back.] No you don't! One shower bath a day is enough for me. [Cautiously opens them.] No, I guess this is all right, I shall be just as snug in here as in a pew at meeting, or a private box at the Theatre. Hello! somebody's coming. [Goes into recess.]
Enter Dundreary and Buddicombe, L. 1 E.
BudMy lord—
Dun[Business.]
BudMy lord!
Dun[Business.]
BudYour lordship!! [Louder.]
DunThere, now you've spoiled it.
BudSpoiled what, my lord?
DunSpoiled what, my lord; why, a most magnificent sneeze!
BudI am very sorry, my lord.
DunNow that I can speak alone with you, tell me about that hair dye. Have you found it?
BudNot a trace of it, my lord.
DunIf you don't find it, I'll discharge you.
BudVery well, my lord. [Bows and exits, L. 1 E.]
DunVery well, my lord! He's gone and lost my hair dye, and my hair turns red to-morrow, and when I ask him to find it for me or I'll discharge him, he says, "Very well, my lord." He's positively idiotic, he is— Ah! here comes Miss Georgina, that gorgeous creature—that lovely sufferer. [Exit, L. 1 E.]
Asa[Looking out.] What's the price of hair dye? Hallo! he's coming again with that sick girl.
Re-enter Dundreary and Georgina, L. 1 E.
DunWill you try and strengthen your limbs with a gentle walk in the garden?
Georgina No, thank you, my lord. I'm so delicate. Oh, my lord, it is so painful to walk languidly through life, to be unable, at times, to bear the perfumes of one's favorite flowers. Even those violets you sent me yesterday I was compelled to have removed from my room, the perfume was too strong for me. I'msodelicate.
DunYes, Miss Georgina; but they're very strengthening flowers, you know.
GeoYes, my lord, you are always right.
DunDo you know I'm getting to be very robust?
GeoWould I could share that fault with you; but I am so delicate.
DunIf you were robust I should not love you as I do. It would deprive you of that charm which enchains me to your lovely side, which—which—
GeoOh, my lord, my lord! I'm going to faint.
DunAnd I'm going to sneeze, you faint while I sneeze.
Geo[Taking his arm.] Oh! my lord.
DunDo you know what a sneeze is?
GeoNo, my lord.
DunShe never sneezed. I'll tell you what a sneeze is. Imagine a very large spider.
Geo[Screams.] Where, my lord?
DunNo, no, I don't mean a real spider, only an imaginary one, a large spider getting up your nose, and all of a sudden, much to his disgust, he discovers he has put his foot in it and can't get it out again.
GeoThat must be very distressing.
DunFor the spider, yes, and not very pleasant for the nose.
GeoOh! my lord, do take me to mamma.
DunNo, you lovely sufferer, let's walk a little more.
GeoI can't my lord, I'msodelicate.
DunWell, then, exercise, imitate that little hop of mine. [Hops.] It isn't a run, it's a—
GeoWhat is it?
DunNo, it isn't a what is it. Well, let me suppose I get you an oyster. [Georgina shakes her head.] Oh! then suppose I get you an oyster.
GeoNo, my lord, I'm too delicate.
DunHow would you like the left wing of a canary bird?
GeoNo, my lord, it's too strong for me.
DunLet me ask you a widdle—why does a duck go under water? for divers reasons. Now I'll give you another—why does a duck come out of the water? for sundry reasons. No! No! see, you live on suction, you're like that bird with a long bill, they call doctor, no, that's not it, I thought it was a doctor, because it has a long bill—I mean a snipe—yes, you're a lovely snipe. [Exeunt, R.]
Asa[Looking after them.] There goes a load of wooden nutmegs. Hello, here comes somebody else.
Enter Florence, R., with paper.
Flo. [Reads.] "One who still remembers what he ought long since to have forgotten, wishes to speak with Miss Trenchard." Florence scratched out, "on matters of life and death, near the orel, in the west gallery," Written upon a dirty sheet of paper, in a hardly legible hand. What does this mean; it opens like one of Mrs. Radcliffe's romances. Well, here I am, and now for my correspondent.
Enter Murcott, L.
MurOh! for one minute's clear head, Miss Florence.
FloI presume you are the writer of this?
MurYes, I am.
FloYou address me as an old acquaintance, but I do not recognize you.
MurSo much the better. So much the better.
FloI hate mystery, sir; but you see I have come to rendezvous. I must know to whom I am speaking.
MurAs frank as ever. I am Abel Murcott.
FloStarting back! You?
MurDo not be ashamed, I have not the strength to injure you, if I had the evil. In this shabby, broken down drunkard you need not fear the madman, who years ago forgot in his frantic passion the gulf that lay between your station and his own. I am harmless except to my self.
FloSpeak on, sir; I hear you.
MurI need not tell you by what steps I came to this, you don't know, maybe you never knew, what a maddening thing a passion is when it turns against itself. After being expelled from my tutorship in this house, I lost my employment, self respect, hope. I sought to drown recollection and draw courage from drink. It only embittered remembrances, and destroyed the little courage I had left. That I have bread to eat, I owe to Mr. Coyle; he employed me as his clerk. You know he has been with your father this morning. I have come to tell you my errand; are you as brave as you used to be when I knew—
FloI fear nothing.
MurI come to tell you of your father's ruin, his utter ruin.
FloMy father's ruin? What? What?
MurHis estates are mortgaged, his creditors clamorous. The Bailiffs will be in Trenchard Manor to-day, disguised as your own servants. This much Mr. Coyle has conceded to your father's respect for appearances.
FloThen beggary stares him in the face. Poor father, what a sad blow for him. Is that all, sir?
MurNo; the worst remains.
FloGo on, sir.
MurCoyle knows your father's weakness and as a means of escape from ruin to the verge of which he has brought him, he has this day proposed for your hand.
FloMine!
MurOn consideration of settling on you the Ravensdale Estate.
FloAnd my father, how did he listen to such insolence?
MurYou know as well as I do how he would hear such a proposal, at first a torrent of rage, then the strong ebb of selfishness set in, and he consented to listen to the terms, to view them as something to be considered, to consider them.
FloGood Heavens, can this be true? No, I will not believe it of my father, and from such lips.
MurYou have full right to think this and to say it, but mark your father and Coyle to-day. You will then see if I speak truth or not.
FloForgive my distrust, Mr. Murcott.
MurI am past taking offence or feeling scorn, I have carried more than can be heaped upon me, but I did not come only to give you warning of your danger.
FloCan you avert it?
Asa(Coming down between them). Wal, stranger that's just the question I was going to ask.
FloYou here, sir, and listening.
AsaWal, it wasn't purpose, I went in there to take a snooze, I heard you talking and I thought it wouldn't be polite of me not to listen to what you had to say. I'm a rough sort of a customer, and don't know much about the ways of great folks. But I've got a cool head, a stout arm, and a willing heart, and I think I can help you, just as one cousin ought to help another.
FloWell, I do think you are honest.
MurShall I go on?
FloYes, we will trust him, go on.
MurI found the Ravensdale mortgage while rumaging in an old deed box of Coyle's father's, there was a folded paper inside the deed. I took both to Coyle unopened, like a besotted fool that I was. My belief is strong that the paper was the release of the mortgage that the money had been paid off, and the release executed without the seals having been cut from the original mortgage. I have known such things happen.
AsaHave ye, now? Well, if a Yankee lawyer had done such a thing he would have Judge Lynch after him in no time.
MurYou can but find that release, we may unmask this diabolical fiend and save you.
FloBut, surely, a villain of Coyle's stability would have destroyed the paper, the very key-stone of his fraud.
MurI fear so.
AsaDo you, now, wal, you're wrong, you're both wrong. I guess you ain't either on you done much cyphering human nature. The key stone of their fraud is just the point your mighty cute rascals always leave unsecured. Come along with me, stranger, and we'll just work up this sum a little, two heads are better than one. Yours is a little muddled, but mine's pretty clear, and if I don't circumvent that old sarpint, Coyle—
FloWell?
AsaSay I am a skunk, that's all, and that's the meanest kind of an animal. [Exit L. 1st E.]
FloI owe you much, Mr. Murcott, more than I can ever repay.
MurNo, no, no, if you did but know the hope of seeing you has roused all the manhood that drink and misery has left me. God bless you, Miss Florence.
FloNo, you don't call me Florence as you did when I was the truant pupil and you the indulgent tutor. [Offers her hand.]
MurNo, no; for heaven's sake do not call back that time or I shall go mad! mad! mad. [Rushes off, L. 1 E., followed by Florence.]
Scene 2—Park in 4. Rural cottage, L. 1 E., adjoining which, and projecting on stage an inside view of a dairy with sloping roof, painting backing to look like milk pans. The whole scene should have a picturesque appearance. Garden fence run across back, ornamental gate or archway, R. 3 E. Pigeon house on pole near dairy, L. C. Spinning wheel inside cottage door, one or two rustic benches, R. and L.
Enter John, R. 3 E., with two milk pails on a yoke, puts them down near dairy, then looks off, R. 3 E.
JohnThere they go, that's a bull's eye, I warrant. Dang me though, if I wouldn't rather see Miss Mary than this cock robin sports yonder, here she comes. Good morning, Miss Mary. [Enter Mary from cottage L.]
MaryOh, Wickens, you are there. How kind of you to help me with the milk pails to-day, when all the lads and lasses have given themselves a holiday to see the shooting.
JohnAh, Miss Mary, you ought to be among then, with a green hat and feather, if all had their rights.
Mary[Laughing.] Nay, ladies without a farthing in the world, ought to put aside their ladyships and make themselves: besides I'm proud of my dairy here, just help me with this troublesome fellow, steady, don't shake it, the cream is foaming so beautifully. There. [John carries pan into cottage and returns down, R.]
JohnNow, Miss Mary, what can I do for you?
MaryLet me see; well, really, I do believe, Wickens, I've nothing to do but amuse myself.
JohnDang it, Miss, that's a pity, cos I can't help you at that, you see.
MaryOh! Yes, bring me out dear old Welsh nurse's spinning wheel [Exit John into cottage, L. 2 E.] by the side of which I have stood so often, a round eyed baby wondering at its whirring wheel. [Reenter John with wheel, places it near cottage, L. 2 E.] There, that will do famously. I can catch the full scent of the jessamines.
John[R. C.] Anything more, Miss Mary?
MaryNo, thank you, Wickens!
John[Going.] Good morning, Miss Mary.
MaryGood morning, Wickens.
John[Returning.] Is there anything I can get for you, Miss Mary?
Mary[Spinning.] Nothing, thank you.
JohnDang me if I wouldn't like to stop all day, and watch her pretty figure and run errands for her. [Exit R. 3 E., crosses behind fence.]
MaryPoor Wickens is not the only one who thinks I am a very ill-used young body. Now I don't think so. Grandfather was rich, but he must have had a bad heart, or he never could have cast off poor mamma; had he adopted me, I should never have been so happy as I am now, uncle is kind to me in his pompous, patronizing way, and dear Florence loves me like a sister, and so I am happy. I am my own mistress here, and not anybody's humble servant, I sometimes find myself singing as the birds do, because I can't help it [Song, "Maid with the milking pail," can be introduced here.]
Enter Florence and Asa through gate, R. 3 E.
FloCome along, cousin, come along. I want to introduce you to my little cousin. [Kisses Mary.] I've brought you a visitor, Miss Mary Meredith, Mr. Asa Trenchard, our American cousin. [They shake hands.] That will do for the present. This young gentleman has carried off the prize by three successive shots in the bull's eye.
MaryI congratulate you, sir, and am happy to see you.
Asa[Shakes hands again.] Thank you, Miss.
FloThat will do for a beginning.
Asa[ Aside.] And so that is Mark Trenchard's grandchild.
MaryWhy have you left the archery, Florence?
FloBecause, after Mr. Asa's display, I felt in no humor for shooting, and I have some very grave business with my cousin here.
MaryYou? Grave business? Why I thought you never had any graver business than being very pretty, very amiable, and very ready to be amused.
AsaWal, Miss, I guess the first comes natural round these diggins. [Bows.]
MaryYou are very polite. This is my domain, sir, and I shall be happy to show you, that is, if you understand anything about a dairy.
FloYes, by the way, do you understand anything about dairies in America?
AsaWal, I guess I do know something about cow juice. [They turn to smother laugh.] Why, if it ain't all as bright and clean as a fresh washed shirt just off the clover, and is this all your doin's, Miss?
MaryYes, sir, I milk the cows, set up the milk, superintend the churning and make the cheese.
AsaWal, darn me if you ain't the first raal right down useful gal I've seen on this side the pond.
FloWhat's that, sir? Do you want to make me jealous?
AsaOh, no, you needn't get your back up, you are the right sort too, but you must own you're small potatoes, and few in a hill compared to a gal like that.
FloI'm what?
AsaSmall potatoes.
FloWill you be kind enough to translate that for me, for I don't understand American yet.
AsaYes, I'll put it in French for you, "petite pommes des terres."
FloAh, it's very clear now; but, cousin, do tell me what you mean by calling me small potatoes.
AsaWal, you can sing and paint, and play on the pianner, and in your own particular circle you are some pumpkins.
FloSome pumpkins, first I am small potatoes, and now I'm some pumpkins.
AsaBut she, she can milk cows, set up the butter, make cheese, and, darn me, if them ain't what I call raal downright feminine accomplishments.
FloI do believe you are right cousin, so Mary do allow me to congratulate you upon not being small potatoes.
MaryWell, I must look to my dairy or all my last week's milk will be spoiled. Good bye, Florence, dear. Good bye, Mr. Trenchard. Good morning, sir. [Exit into Cottage.]
Asa[Following her to door.] Good morning, Miss. I'll call again.
FloWell, cousin, what do you think of her?
AsaAin't she a regular snorter?
FloA what?
AsaWal, perhaps I should make myself more intelligable, if I said, a squeeler, and to think I'm keepin' that everlasting angel of a gal out of her fortune all along of this bit of paper here.
FloWhat is that? [Takes paper from pocket.]
AsaOld Mark Trenchard's will.
FloDon't show it to me, I don't want to look at it, the fortune should have come to Mary, she is the only relation in the direct line.
AsaSay, cousin, you've not told her that darned property was left to me, have you?
FloDo you think I had the heart to tell her of her misfortune?
AsaWal, darn me, if you didn't show your good sense at any rate. [Goes up to dairy.]
FloWell, what are you doing, showingyourgood sense?
AsaOh, you go long.
FloSay, cousin, I guess I've got you on a string now, as I heard you say this morning.
AsaWal, what if you have, didn't I see you casting sheep's eyes at that sailor man this morning? Ah, I reckon I've got you on a string now. Say, has he got that ship yet?
FloNo, he hasn't, though I've used all my powers of persuasion with that Lord Dundreary, and his father has so much influence with the admiralty.
AsaWal, din't he drop like a smoked possum?
FloThere you go, more American. No, he said he was very sorry, but he couldn't.
Asa[Taking bottle out.] Oh, he did, did he? Wal, I guess he'll do his best all the same.
FloI shall be missed at the archery grounds. Will you take me back?
AsaLike a streak of lightning. [Offers arm and takes her to dairy.]
FloThat's not the way.
AsaNo, of course not. [Takes her round stage back to dairy.]
FloWell, but where are you going now?
AsaI was just going round. I say, cousin, don't you think you could find your way back alone.
FloWhy, what doyouwant to do?
AsaWal, I just wanted to see how they make cheese is this darned country. [Exits into dairy.]
Flo[Laughing.] And they call that man a savage; well, I only wish we had a few more such savages in England.
Dun[Without, R. 2 E.] This way, lovely sufferer.
FloAh, here's Dundreary.
[Dundreary enters with Georgina, places her in rustic chair, R.]
DunThere, repothe yourself.
GeoThank you, my lord; you are so kind to me, and I am so delicate.
FloYes, you look delicate, dear; how is she this morning any better?
DunWhen she recovers, she'll be better.
FloI'm afraid you don't take good care of her, you are so rough.
DunNo, I'm not wruff, either. [Sings.] I'm gentle and I'm kind, I'm —— I forget the rest
FloWell, good morning, dear—do take care of her—good day, Dundreary. [Exit through gate.]
DunNow, let me administer to your wants. How would you like a roast chestnut?
GeoNo, my lord, I'm too delicate.
DunWell, then, a peanut; there is a great deal of nourishment in peanuts.
GeoNo, thank you.
DunThen what can I do for you?
GeoIf you please, ask the dairy maid to let me have a seat in the dairy. I am afraid of the draft, here.
DunOh! you want to get out of the draft, do you? Well, you're not the only one that wants to escape the draft. Is that the dairy on top of that stick? [Points to pigeon house.]
GeoNo, my lord, that's the pigeon house.
DunWhat do they keep in pigeon houses? Oh! pigeons, to be sure; they couldn't keep donkeys up there, could they? That's the dairy, I suppothe?
GeoYes, my lord.
DunWhat do they keep in dairies?
GeoEggs, milk, butter and cheese.
DunWhat's the name of that animal with a head on it? No, I don't mean that, all animals have heads. I mean those animals with something growing out of their heads.
GeoA cow?
DunA cow growing out of his head?
GeoNo, no, horns.
DunA cow! well, that accounts for the milk and butter; but I don't see the eggs; cows don't give eggs; then there's the cheese—do you like cheese?
GeoNo, my lord.
DunDoes your brother like cheese?
GeoI have no brother. I'm so delicate.
DunShe's so delicate, she hasn't got a brother. Well, if you had a brother do you think he'd like cheese?
GeoI don't know; do please take me to the dairy.
DunWell, I will see if I can get you a broiled sardine. [Exit into dairy.]
Geo[Jumps up.] Oh! I'm so glad he's gone. I am so dreadful hungry. I should like a plate of corn beef and cabbage, eggs and bacon, or a slice of cold ham and pickles.
Dun[Outside] Thank you, thank you.
Geo[Running back to seat.] Here he comes. Oh! I am so delicate.
Enter Dundreary.
DunI beg you pardon, Miss Georgina, but I find upon enquiry that cows don't give sardines. But I've arranged it with the dairy maid so that you can have a seat by the window that overlooks the cow house and the pig sty, and all the pretty things.
GeoI'm afraid I'm very troublesome.
DunYes, you're very troublesome, you are. No, I mean you're a lovely sufferer, that's the idea. [They go up to cottage door.]
Enter Asa, running against Dundreary.
DunThere's that damned rhinoceros again. [Exit into cottage, with Georgina.]
AsaThere goes that benighted aristocrat and that little toad of a sick gal. [Looks off.] There he's a settling her in a chair and covering her all over with shawls. Ah! it's a caution, how these women do fix our flint for us. Here he comes. [Takes out bottle.] How are you, hair dye. [Goes behind dairy.]
Enter Dundreary.
DunThat lovely Georgina puts me in mind of that beautiful piece of poetry. Let me see how it goes. The rose is red, the violet's blue. [Asa tips his hat over his eyes.]
Dun[Repeats.]
Asa[Repeats business.]
Dun[Comes down, takes off hat, looking in it.] There must be something alive in that hat. [Goes up, and commences again.] The rose is red, the violet's blue, sugar is sweet, and so is somebody, and so is somebody else.
Asaputs yoke on Dundreary's shoulders gently. Dundreary comes down with pails.
DunI wonder what the devil that is? [Lowers one, then the other, they trip him up.] Oh, I see, somebody has been fishing and caught a pail. [Goes hopping up stage, stumbling over against spinning wheel. Looks at yarn on stick.] Why, what a little old man. [Sees Asa.] Say, Mr. Exile, what the devil is this?
AsaThat is a steam engine, and will bust in about a minute.
DunWell, I haven't a minute to spare, so I'll not wait till it busts. [Crosses to R., knocks against private box, R. H., apologizes.]
AsaSay, whiskers, I want to ask a favor of you.
Dun[Attempts to sneeze.] Now I've got it.
AsaWal, but say. [Dundreary's sneezing bus.]
Asa[Takes his hand.] How are you. [Squeezes it.]
DunThere, you've spoiled it.
AsaSpoiled what?
DunSpoiled what! why a magnificent sneeze.
AsaOh! was that what you was trying to get through you?
DunGet through me: he's mad.
AsaWal, now, the naked truth is—[Leans arm on Dundreary's shoulder. Bus. by Dundreary.] Oh, come now, don't be putting on airs. Say, do you know Lieut. Vernon?
DunSlightly.
AsaWal, what do you think of him, on an average?
DunThink of a man on an average?
AsaWal, I think he's a real hoss, and he wants a ship.
DunWell if he's a real hoss, he must want a carriage.
AsaDarn me, if that ain't good.
DunThat's good.
AsaYes, that is good.
DunVery good.
AsaVery good, indeed,for you.
DunNow I've got it. [Tries to sneeze.]
AsaWal, now, I say. [Dundreary trying to sneeze.]
AsaWhat, are you at that again?
Dundreary business. Asa bites his finger. Dundreary goes up, stumbles against chair and comes down again.
DunI've got the influenza.
AsaGot the what?
DunHe says I've got a wart. I've got the influenza.
AsaThat's it exactly. I want your influence, sir, to get that ship.
DunThat's good.
AsaYes, that's good, ain't it.
DunVery good.
AsaYes, darn me, if that ain't good.
DunFor you. Ha! ha! One on that Yankee.
AsaWell done, Britisher. Wal, now, about that ship?
DunI want all my influence, sir, for my own w—w—welations. [Stammering.]
AsaOh! you want it for your own w—w—welations. [Mimicing.]
DunI say, sir. [Asa pretends deafness. This bus. is ad. lib.]
AsaEh?
DunHe's hard of hearing, and thinks he's in a balloon. Mister.
AsaEh?
DunHe thinks he can hear with his nose. I say—
AsaEh?
Dundreary turns Asa's nose around with his thumb. Asa puts his two hands up to Dundreary's.
DunNow he thinks he's a musical instrument. I say—
AsaWhat?
DunYou stutter. I'll give you a k—k—k—
AsaNo you won't give me a kick.
DunI'll give you a c—c—card to a doctor and he'll c—c—c—
AsaNo he won't kick me, either.
DunHe's idiotic. I don't mean that, he'll cure you.
AsaSame one that cured you?
DunThe same.
AsaWal, if you're cured I want to stay sick. He must be a mighty smart man.
DunA very clever man, he is.
AsaWal, darn me, if there ain't a physiological change taking place. Your whiskers at this moment—
DunMy whiskers!
AsaYes, about the ends they're as black as a niggers in billing time, and near the roots they're all speckled and streaked.
Dun[Horror struck.] My whiskers speckled and streaked?
Asa[Showing bottle.] Now, this is a wonderful invention.
DunMy hair dye. My dear sir.
Asa[Squeezing his hand.] How are you?
DunDear Mr. Trenchard.
Puts arm on shoulder. Asa repeats Dundreary business, putting on eyeglass, hopping round the stage and stroking whiskers.
DunHe's mad, he's deaf, he squints, stammers and he's a hopper.
AsaNow, look here, you get the Lieut. a ship and I'll give you the bottle. It's a fine swap.
DunWhat the devil is a swap?
AsaWell, you give me the ship, and I'll give you the bottle to boot.
DunWhat do I want of your boots? I haven't got a ship about me.
AsaYou'd better make haste or your whiskers will be changed again. They'll be a pea green in about a minute.
Dun[Crosses to L.] Pea green! [Exits hastily into house.]
AsaI guess I've got a ring in his nose now. I wonder how that sick gal is getting along? Wal, darn me, if the dying swallow ain't pitching into ham and eggs and home-made bread, wal, she's a walking into the fodder like a farmer arter a day's work rail splitting. I'll just give her a start. How de do, Miss, allow me to congratulate you on the return of your appetite. [Georgina scream.] Guess I've got a ring in her pretty nose now. [Looks off, R.] Hello! here comes the lickers and shooters, it's about time I took my medicine, I reckon.
Enter, from R. 2. E., Sir E., Mrs. M. Florence, Vernon, Augusta, De Boots, Wickens, Coyle, Sharpe, Binny, Skillet, Buddicombe, two servants in livery, carrying tray and glasses, a wine basket containing four bottles to represent champagne, knife to cut strings, some powerful acid in one bottle for Asa—pop sure.
Sir ENow to distribute the prizes, and drink to the health of the winner of the golden arrow.
FloAnd there must stand the hero of the day. Come, kneel down.
AsaMust I kneel down?
FloI am going to crown you Capt. of the Archers of Trenchard Manor.
Asa[Aside to Florence.] I've got the ship.
FloNo; have you?
Sir ECome, ladies and gentlemen, take from me. [Takes glasses, Starts on seeing me in livery.] Who are these strange faces?
Coyle[In his ear.] Bailiffs, Sir Edward.
Sir EBailiffs! Florence I am lost.
[Florence supports her father. At the same moment Dundreary enters with letter and money. Georgina appears at dairy door as Dundreary comes down, L. Asa cuts string of bottle, cork hits Dundreary. General commotion as drop descends.]