The Project Gutenberg eBook ofOur PeopleThis ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online atwww.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.Title: Our PeopleCreator: Charles KeeneRelease date: October 14, 2012 [eBook #41057]Most recently updated: October 23, 2024Language: EnglishCredits: E-text prepared by Chris Curnow, Sue Fleming, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made available by Internet Archive (http://archive.org)*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OUR PEOPLE ***
This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online atwww.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.
Title: Our PeopleCreator: Charles KeeneRelease date: October 14, 2012 [eBook #41057]Most recently updated: October 23, 2024Language: EnglishCredits: E-text prepared by Chris Curnow, Sue Fleming, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made available by Internet Archive (http://archive.org)
Title: Our People
Creator: Charles Keene
Creator: Charles Keene
Release date: October 14, 2012 [eBook #41057]Most recently updated: October 23, 2024
Language: English
Credits: E-text prepared by Chris Curnow, Sue Fleming, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made available by Internet Archive (http://archive.org)
*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OUR PEOPLE ***
The Project Gutenberg eBook, Our People, by Charles Samuel Keene
Sketched by
CHARLES KEENE.
from the Collection of "Mr. Punch."
BOSTON,
JAMES R. OSGOOD & CO.
1881.
Our People. At Home.Our People. Street-Life.Our People. In the Country.Our People. Travelling.Our People. Professional.Our People. Official.Our People. In the Army.Our People. Art and Artists.Our People. Volunteers.Our People. At Business.Our People. Domestics.Our People. Working Folk.Our People. In Ireland.Our People. In Scotland.&c., &c.
Toots! theres no a Jok' i' th' 'hale beuk!
Toots! theres no a Jok' i' th' 'hale beuk!
Toots! theres no a Jok' i' th' 'hale beuk!
COMPANION to "OUR PEOPLE,"
ENGLISH SOCIETY AT HOME,
Society Pictures By
George Du Maurier.
JAMES R. OSGOOD & Co., PUBLISHERS.
Mens Conscia.Inspector(who notices a backwardness in History). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (No answer.)Inspector(more urgently). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (No answer.)Inspector(angrily). "Who signed Magna Charta!!?"Scapegrace(Thinking matters are beginning to look serious). "Please, Sir, 'twasn't me, Sir!!"
Mens Conscia.Inspector(who notices a backwardness in History). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (No answer.)Inspector(more urgently). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (No answer.)Inspector(angrily). "Who signed Magna Charta!!?"Scapegrace(Thinking matters are beginning to look serious). "Please, Sir, 'twasn't me, Sir!!"
Mens Conscia.
Dignity.Club "Buttons.""I'm at the 'Junior Peninsular' now."Friend."What! Did you 'Get the Sack' from 'the Reynolds'?"Buttons(indignant). "Go along with yer! 'Get the Sack!' I sent in my Resi'nation to the C'mmittee!"
Dignity.Club "Buttons.""I'm at the 'Junior Peninsular' now."Friend."What! Did you 'Get the Sack' from 'the Reynolds'?"Buttons(indignant). "Go along with yer! 'Get the Sack!' I sent in my Resi'nation to the C'mmittee!"
Dignity.
Family Pride.First Boy."My Father's a Orficer."Second Boy."What Orficer?"First Boy."Why, a Corporal!"Third Boy(evidently "comic"). "So's my Father—he's a Orficer, too—a General, he is!"Fourth Boy."Go along with yer!"Third Boy."So he is—he's aGeneral Dealer!!"
Family Pride.First Boy."My Father's a Orficer."Second Boy."What Orficer?"First Boy."Why, a Corporal!"Third Boy(evidently "comic"). "So's my Father—he's a Orficer, too—a General, he is!"Fourth Boy."Go along with yer!"Third Boy."So he is—he's aGeneral Dealer!!"
Family Pride.
Bad Customer.Landlady."What Gentleman's Luggage is this, Sam?"Ancient Waiter."Ge'tleman's Luggage, 'm! 'Or' bleshyer, no, Mum! That'sartis's traps, that is. They'll 'ave Tea here to-night, take a little Lodgin' to-morrow, and there they'll be a Loafin about the place for Months, doin' no Good to Nobody!"
Bad Customer.Landlady."What Gentleman's Luggage is this, Sam?"Ancient Waiter."Ge'tleman's Luggage, 'm! 'Or' bleshyer, no, Mum! That'sartis's traps, that is. They'll 'ave Tea here to-night, take a little Lodgin' to-morrow, and there they'll be a Loafin about the place for Months, doin' no Good to Nobody!"
Bad Customer.
"March of Refinement."Brown(behind the Age, but hungry). "Give me the Bill of Fare, Waiter."Head Waiter."Beg pardon, Sir?"Brown."The Bill of Fare."Head Waiter."The what, Sir? O!—ah!—Yes!"—(to Subordinate)—"Chawles, bring this—this—a—Gen'leman—theMenoo!!"
"March of Refinement."Brown(behind the Age, but hungry). "Give me the Bill of Fare, Waiter."Head Waiter."Beg pardon, Sir?"Brown."The Bill of Fare."Head Waiter."The what, Sir? O!—ah!—Yes!"—(to Subordinate)—"Chawles, bring this—this—a—Gen'leman—theMenoo!!"
"March of Refinement."
Refrigerated Tourists.Provincial Waiter."Ice! Gentlemen! There ain't no Ice in Autumn Time. But it's easy to See you are Gents from London, as don't Know much about Nature, and I don't Blame you for it, in course. But, Ice in August!"Exit, sniggering.
Refrigerated Tourists.Provincial Waiter."Ice! Gentlemen! There ain't no Ice in Autumn Time. But it's easy to See you are Gents from London, as don't Know much about Nature, and I don't Blame you for it, in course. But, Ice in August!"Exit, sniggering.
Refrigerated Tourists.
Intelligent Pet."Ma, dear, what do they Play the Organ so Loud for, when 'Church' is over? Is it to Wake us up?"
Intelligent Pet."Ma, dear, what do they Play the Organ so Loud for, when 'Church' is over? Is it to Wake us up?"
Intelligent Pet.
"Durance."Little Daughter."Won't they let us Out without Paying, Ma'?"
"Durance."Little Daughter."Won't they let us Out without Paying, Ma'?"
"Durance."
The Mystery Solved.Effie(our Parson's little daughter: her first experience of "Church." Aloud—with intense surprise). "Pa and all the Dear little Boys, in their Nightgowns, going to Bye-Bye!!"
The Mystery Solved.Effie(our Parson's little daughter: her first experience of "Church." Aloud—with intense surprise). "Pa and all the Dear little Boys, in their Nightgowns, going to Bye-Bye!!"
The Mystery Solved.
A Pledged M. P.M. P.'s Bride"Oh! William, dear—if you are—a Liberal—do bring in a Bill—next Session—for that Underground Tunnel!!"
A Pledged M. P.M. P.'s Bride"Oh! William, dear—if you are—a Liberal—do bring in a Bill—next Session—for that Underground Tunnel!!"
A Pledged M. P.
"Perils of the Deep."Unprotected Female(awaking old Gent., who is not very well). "O, Mister, would you find the Captain? I'm sure we're in Danger! I've been Watching the Man at the Wheel; he keeps Turning it round first One Way and then the Other, and evidently doesn't Know his own Mind!!"
"Perils of the Deep."Unprotected Female(awaking old Gent., who is not very well). "O, Mister, would you find the Captain? I'm sure we're in Danger! I've been Watching the Man at the Wheel; he keeps Turning it round first One Way and then the Other, and evidently doesn't Know his own Mind!!"
"Perils of the Deep."
"The Pink of Fashion.""Our Flower Show was a Decided Success this year, and Little Fidkins in an Embroidered Floral Waistcoat was Killing!"
"The Pink of Fashion.""Our Flower Show was a Decided Success this year, and Little Fidkins in an Embroidered Floral Waistcoat was Killing!"
"The Pink of Fashion."
The Bird Show.That Charming Galwith the blue feather(to Prize Canary). "Sweety, dear!"Comic Man("Dolcissimo con Brio," from the other side of the pedestal). "Yes, Ducky!"Utterly ruining the hopes, and taking the wind out o' the sails of his tall friend (serious man), who had been spoonying about her all the afternoon, and thought he had made an impression!
The Bird Show.That Charming Galwith the blue feather(to Prize Canary). "Sweety, dear!"Comic Man("Dolcissimo con Brio," from the other side of the pedestal). "Yes, Ducky!"Utterly ruining the hopes, and taking the wind out o' the sails of his tall friend (serious man), who had been spoonying about her all the afternoon, and thought he had made an impression!
The Bird Show.
"Trying."Happy Swain(she has "named the day"). "And now, dearest Edith, that is all settled. With regard to Jewellery, my Love; would you like a Set in plain Gold, or——"Edith(economical and courageous, and who suffers a good deal from toothache). "Oh, Augustus, now you ask me—do you know—I—really—but—Mr. Clinch told me yesterday that he could extract all I have, and put in a beautiful new Set for only Fifteen Guineas!!"
"Trying."Happy Swain(she has "named the day"). "And now, dearest Edith, that is all settled. With regard to Jewellery, my Love; would you like a Set in plain Gold, or——"Edith(economical and courageous, and who suffers a good deal from toothache). "Oh, Augustus, now you ask me—do you know—I—really—but—Mr. Clinch told me yesterday that he could extract all I have, and put in a beautiful new Set for only Fifteen Guineas!!"
"Trying."
Common Prudence.Snob."Oh, let's get out o' this Mob, 'arry! they'll think we're a goin' toChurch!"
Common Prudence.Snob."Oh, let's get out o' this Mob, 'arry! they'll think we're a goin' toChurch!"
Common Prudence.
The Triumphs of Temper.Fare(out of patience at the fourth "jib" in a Mile). "Hi, this won't do! I shall get out!"Cabby(through the trap, in a whisper). "Ah thin, Sor, niver mind her! Sit still! Don't give her the Satisfaction av knowin' she's got rid av ye!!"
The Triumphs of Temper.Fare(out of patience at the fourth "jib" in a Mile). "Hi, this won't do! I shall get out!"Cabby(through the trap, in a whisper). "Ah thin, Sor, niver mind her! Sit still! Don't give her the Satisfaction av knowin' she's got rid av ye!!"
The Triumphs of Temper.
"For Better for Worse."Our friend Bagnidge (hasn't a rap) has just married the widow (rich) of old Harlesden the stockbroker.Mrs. B.(Retiring). "Shall I send my Poppet his Slippers?"Mr. B."N-n-n-n-o—not at Present, Thanks!" (Sotto voce to his guest when the door was closed.) "Not so fond of having the Muzzles on my Feet at Eight o'clock in the Evening, you know, Barney!!"
"For Better for Worse."Our friend Bagnidge (hasn't a rap) has just married the widow (rich) of old Harlesden the stockbroker.Mrs. B.(Retiring). "Shall I send my Poppet his Slippers?"Mr. B."N-n-n-n-o—not at Present, Thanks!" (Sotto voce to his guest when the door was closed.) "Not so fond of having the Muzzles on my Feet at Eight o'clock in the Evening, you know, Barney!!"
"For Better for Worse."
A Half Truth.Guard(of the Fatuous Railway Company, that still forbids tobacco). "Strong Smell of Smoke, Sir!"Passenger(his cigar covered by his newspaper). "Ya-as; the Party who has just got out has been Smoking furiously!!"
A Half Truth.Guard(of the Fatuous Railway Company, that still forbids tobacco). "Strong Smell of Smoke, Sir!"Passenger(his cigar covered by his newspaper). "Ya-as; the Party who has just got out has been Smoking furiously!!"
A Half Truth.
Poor Humanity!Bride."I think—George, dear—I should—be better—if we Walked about——"Husband(one wouldn't have believed it of him). "You can Do as you like, Love. I'm very well(!) as I am!!"
Poor Humanity!Bride."I think—George, dear—I should—be better—if we Walked about——"Husband(one wouldn't have believed it of him). "You can Do as you like, Love. I'm very well(!) as I am!!"
Poor Humanity!
Family Ties.(Respec'fully dedicated to Mr. Punch's excellent friends at the Egyptian Hall—M. and C.)Aunt."Gracious Goodness! What are you doing in my Cupboard, you naughty boys?"Jacky."Oh, aunt, we're playing 'masculine and cook'! I tie him to the chair, and when the door's opened his hands are free. Then he does me!!"
Family Ties.(Respec'fully dedicated to Mr. Punch's excellent friends at the Egyptian Hall—M. and C.)Aunt."Gracious Goodness! What are you doing in my Cupboard, you naughty boys?"Jacky."Oh, aunt, we're playing 'masculine and cook'! I tie him to the chair, and when the door's opened his hands are free. Then he does me!!"
Family Ties.
"Prevention Better than Cure."Jeames(excitedly). "Here—Here—Here's the Shillin'! Quick—Quick—Off with you!"German Impostor(affecting concern). "Dere is some vun Ill?"Jeames."Well, not just yet! But there precious soon will be, if you don't Knock Off!"
"Prevention Better than Cure."Jeames(excitedly). "Here—Here—Here's the Shillin'! Quick—Quick—Off with you!"German Impostor(affecting concern). "Dere is some vun Ill?"Jeames."Well, not just yet! But there precious soon will be, if you don't Knock Off!"
"Prevention Better than Cure."
The Roll-Call.Sergeant."Alister McAlister!"Answer."Hamisho!"Sergeant."Donal' McBean!"Answer."Hamisho!"Sergeant."Peter McKay!"Answer."Hamisho!"Sergeant."John Smith!"Answer."Here, Sir!"Sergeant(with a Sniff). "Ugh! 'English Pock-Pudding'"!!
The Roll-Call.Sergeant."Alister McAlister!"Answer."Hamisho!"Sergeant."Donal' McBean!"Answer."Hamisho!"Sergeant."Peter McKay!"Answer."Hamisho!"Sergeant."John Smith!"Answer."Here, Sir!"Sergeant(with a Sniff). "Ugh! 'English Pock-Pudding'"!!
The Roll-Call.
Gentility in Greens.(Mrs. Brown finds Sandymouth a very different place from what she remembers it years ago!)Greengrocer."Cabbage, Mum!? We don't keep no Second-Class Vegetables, Mum. You'll get it at the Lower End o' the Town!"
Gentility in Greens.(Mrs. Brown finds Sandymouth a very different place from what she remembers it years ago!)Greengrocer."Cabbage, Mum!? We don't keep no Second-Class Vegetables, Mum. You'll get it at the Lower End o' the Town!"
Gentility in Greens.
Plain to Demonstration.Customer(nervously). "Ah! they must be very Irksome at first."Dentist(exultantly). "Not a bit of it, Sir! Look here, Sir!" (Dexterously catching his entire set.) "Here's my Uppers, and here's my Unders!"
Plain to Demonstration.Customer(nervously). "Ah! they must be very Irksome at first."Dentist(exultantly). "Not a bit of it, Sir! Look here, Sir!" (Dexterously catching his entire set.) "Here's my Uppers, and here's my Unders!"
Plain to Demonstration.
Unprejudiced!Swell(at the R. A. Exhibition). "Haw! 've you any Idea—w what Fellaw's Pictu-ars we're to Admi-are this Ye-ar!!!?"
Unprejudiced!Swell(at the R. A. Exhibition). "Haw! 've you any Idea—w what Fellaw's Pictu-ars we're to Admi-are this Ye-ar!!!?"
Unprejudiced!
A Kind Son.Paterfamilias(to his Eldest Son, who is at Bartholomew's). "George, these are uncommonly good Cigars! I can't afford to Smoke such expensive Cigars as these."George(grandly). "Fill your Case—fill your Case, Gov'ner!!"
A Kind Son.Paterfamilias(to his Eldest Son, who is at Bartholomew's). "George, these are uncommonly good Cigars! I can't afford to Smoke such expensive Cigars as these."George(grandly). "Fill your Case—fill your Case, Gov'ner!!"
A Kind Son.
Crass Ignorance.First Swell."Let's see—To-Morrow's——What's t'day, byth'by?"Second Swell."Tuesday, isn't it?—or Monday?—was yest'day Sunday? Ne' mind—(yawns)—my Man'll be here Pwesently—pwecious shwewd Fellow—'Tell us like a Shot!!"
Crass Ignorance.First Swell."Let's see—To-Morrow's——What's t'day, byth'by?"Second Swell."Tuesday, isn't it?—or Monday?—was yest'day Sunday? Ne' mind—(yawns)—my Man'll be here Pwesently—pwecious shwewd Fellow—'Tell us like a Shot!!"
Crass Ignorance.
A Change in the Weather.Paterfamilias(with a sigh: his family have been to Boulogne for the holidays). "It's all up!"Bachelor Friend(who has enjoyed these little Dinners). "What's the Matter?"Paterfamilias."Telegram! She says they've Arrived safe at Folkestone, and will be Home about 10·30!"
A Change in the Weather.Paterfamilias(with a sigh: his family have been to Boulogne for the holidays). "It's all up!"Bachelor Friend(who has enjoyed these little Dinners). "What's the Matter?"Paterfamilias."Telegram! She says they've Arrived safe at Folkestone, and will be Home about 10·30!"
A Change in the Weather.
"Res Angustæ Domi."Family Man."Where do you go this Year, Jinnings?"Bachelor(in a sketchy manner). "Oh—Baden for a few weeks, and the Whine, Belgium—p'waps get as far's Viennah! Where 'you off to?"Family Man."Oh, I suppose I shall take the Old Woman down to Worthing—as usual!"And he says this in anything but a sprightly manner—which was weak and injudicious.
"Res Angustæ Domi."Family Man."Where do you go this Year, Jinnings?"Bachelor(in a sketchy manner). "Oh—Baden for a few weeks, and the Whine, Belgium—p'waps get as far's Viennah! Where 'you off to?"Family Man."Oh, I suppose I shall take the Old Woman down to Worthing—as usual!"And he says this in anything but a sprightly manner—which was weak and injudicious.
"Res Angustæ Domi."
Irish Ingenuity.Saxon Tourist."What on Earth are you Lowering the Shafts for?"(He has just found out that this manœuvre is gone through at every ascent.)Car-Driver."Shure, yer 'onner, we'll make 'm B'lave he's Goin' Down Hill!"
Irish Ingenuity.Saxon Tourist."What on Earth are you Lowering the Shafts for?"(He has just found out that this manœuvre is gone through at every ascent.)Car-Driver."Shure, yer 'onner, we'll make 'm B'lave he's Goin' Down Hill!"
Irish Ingenuity.
Scrupulous.Shepherd."O, Jims, Mun! Can ye no gie a whustle on tha Ram'lin' Brute o' mine? I daurna mysel'; it's just Fast-Day in oor Parish!!"
Scrupulous.Shepherd."O, Jims, Mun! Can ye no gie a whustle on tha Ram'lin' Brute o' mine? I daurna mysel'; it's just Fast-Day in oor Parish!!"
Scrupulous.
A Game Two can Play at.Guard(to Excited Passenger at the Edinburgh Station, just as the Train is Starting). "Ye're too Late, Sir. Ye canna Enter."Stalwart Aberdonian."A' maun!"Guard(holding him back). "Ye canna!"Aberdonian."Tell ye a' maun—a' weel!" (Gripping Guard.) "If a' maunna, ye sanna!!!"
A Game Two can Play at.Guard(to Excited Passenger at the Edinburgh Station, just as the Train is Starting). "Ye're too Late, Sir. Ye canna Enter."Stalwart Aberdonian."A' maun!"Guard(holding him back). "Ye canna!"Aberdonian."Tell ye a' maun—a' weel!" (Gripping Guard.) "If a' maunna, ye sanna!!!"
A Game Two can Play at.
Decimals on Deck.Irish Mate."How manny iv ye down ther-re?!"Voice from the Hold."Three, Sor!"Mate."Thin Half iv ye come up here Immadiately!!"
Decimals on Deck.Irish Mate."How manny iv ye down ther-re?!"Voice from the Hold."Three, Sor!"Mate."Thin Half iv ye come up here Immadiately!!"
Decimals on Deck.
More "Revenge for the Union."Saxon Tourist(at Irish Railway Station). "What Time does the Half-Past Eleven Train Start, Paddy?"Porter."At Thrutty Minutes to Twilve—sharrup, Sor!"Tourist retires up, discomfited.
More "Revenge for the Union."Saxon Tourist(at Irish Railway Station). "What Time does the Half-Past Eleven Train Start, Paddy?"Porter."At Thrutty Minutes to Twilve—sharrup, Sor!"Tourist retires up, discomfited.
More "Revenge for the Union."
The Ulster.Schoolboy(to Brown, in his new great-coat). "Yah! Come out of it! D'you think I don't see yer!!"
The Ulster.Schoolboy(to Brown, in his new great-coat). "Yah! Come out of it! D'you think I don't see yer!!"
The Ulster.
"Silence is Golden."Chatty Old Gent."Have you Long Hours, he-ar, Portar?"Railway Porter(whose Temper has been spoilt). "Same as anywheres else, I s'pose—Sixty Minutes!"——(Bell rings, Railway Porter touches up Old Gent's favourite corn, and rushes off!)Old Gent."Ph—o—o—o—o—!"
"Silence is Golden."Chatty Old Gent."Have you Long Hours, he-ar, Portar?"Railway Porter(whose Temper has been spoilt). "Same as anywheres else, I s'pose—Sixty Minutes!"——(Bell rings, Railway Porter touches up Old Gent's favourite corn, and rushes off!)Old Gent."Ph—o—o—o—o—!"
"Silence is Golden."
Barometrical.Draper."Light Summer Dress? Yes, M'm. Sold a great many the last few days, M'm, the Weather havin' risen from a French Merino to a Grenadine!"
Barometrical.Draper."Light Summer Dress? Yes, M'm. Sold a great many the last few days, M'm, the Weather havin' risen from a French Merino to a Grenadine!"
Barometrical.
A Family Man.Cabby."Vy, I'm a Father of a Fam'ly myself, Mum,—not so 'andsome as your little Dears, Mum, I don't say,—an' d'you think I'd go for to overcharge for 'em? Not I, Mum! Not a Sixpence, bless their little 'earts!" &c., &c.Claim allowed.
A Family Man.Cabby."Vy, I'm a Father of a Fam'ly myself, Mum,—not so 'andsome as your little Dears, Mum, I don't say,—an' d'you think I'd go for to overcharge for 'em? Not I, Mum! Not a Sixpence, bless their little 'earts!" &c., &c.Claim allowed.
A Family Man.
Unconscionable.Head of the Firm."Want a Holiday!? Why, you've just been at Home Ill for a Month!"
Unconscionable.Head of the Firm."Want a Holiday!? Why, you've just been at Home Ill for a Month!"
Unconscionable.
A Narcotic.Doctor."Look here, Mrs. McCawdle. Don't give him any more Physic. A sound Sleep will do him more Good than Anything."Gudewife."E-h, Docthor, if we could only Get him tae the Kirk!!"
A Narcotic.Doctor."Look here, Mrs. McCawdle. Don't give him any more Physic. A sound Sleep will do him more Good than Anything."Gudewife."E-h, Docthor, if we could only Get him tae the Kirk!!"
A Narcotic.
The Connoisseur.Host(smacking his lips). "There, my Boy, What do you Think of that? I thought I'd give you a Treat. That's '34 Port, Sir!"Guest."Ah! and a very nice, sound Wine, I should say! I believe it's quite as Good as some I gave 37s. for the other Day."
The Connoisseur.Host(smacking his lips). "There, my Boy, What do you Think of that? I thought I'd give you a Treat. That's '34 Port, Sir!"Guest."Ah! and a very nice, sound Wine, I should say! I believe it's quite as Good as some I gave 37s. for the other Day."
The Connoisseur.
Awful Warning!Guest(at City Company Dinner.) "I'm uncommonly Hungry!"Ancient Liveryman(with feeling). "Take Care, my dear Sir, for Goodness' Sake, take Care! D'you know it Happened to me at the last Lord Mayor's Dinner to Burn my Tongue with my first Spoonful of Clear Turtle; 'consequence was—(sighs)—'couldn't Taste at all—anything—for the rest of the Evening!!"
Awful Warning!Guest(at City Company Dinner.) "I'm uncommonly Hungry!"Ancient Liveryman(with feeling). "Take Care, my dear Sir, for Goodness' Sake, take Care! D'you know it Happened to me at the last Lord Mayor's Dinner to Burn my Tongue with my first Spoonful of Clear Turtle; 'consequence was—(sighs)—'couldn't Taste at all—anything—for the rest of the Evening!!"
Awful Warning!
The Sausage Machine.Cook(in a fluster). "O 'f y' please, 'm, no wonder the Flaviour o' them Sassengers wasn't to-rights, 'm, which I've jest now ketched Master Alfred a cuttin' his 'Cavendish' in the Machine!"
The Sausage Machine.Cook(in a fluster). "O 'f y' please, 'm, no wonder the Flaviour o' them Sassengers wasn't to-rights, 'm, which I've jest now ketched Master Alfred a cuttin' his 'Cavendish' in the Machine!"
The Sausage Machine.
Just in Time.Veteran Piscator."Hech! but yon's a Muckle Fesh loupin' ahint me!"——(It was lucky he looked round!—his Friend from London had preferred Sketching on the Banks, had stumbled over a Boulder, and "Gone a Header" into a deep hole. He was gaffed at his last kick!)
Just in Time.Veteran Piscator."Hech! but yon's a Muckle Fesh loupin' ahint me!"——(It was lucky he looked round!—his Friend from London had preferred Sketching on the Banks, had stumbled over a Boulder, and "Gone a Header" into a deep hole. He was gaffed at his last kick!)
Just in Time.
Words and Weights.Angler."Deuced odd, Donald, I can't get a Fish over Seven Pounds, when they say Major Grant above us killed half a dozen last Week that turned Twenty Pounds apiece!"Donald."Aweel, Sir, it's no that muckle odds i'th' Sawmon,—but thae Fowk up the Watter is bigger Leears than we are doon here!"
Words and Weights.Angler."Deuced odd, Donald, I can't get a Fish over Seven Pounds, when they say Major Grant above us killed half a dozen last Week that turned Twenty Pounds apiece!"Donald."Aweel, Sir, it's no that muckle odds i'th' Sawmon,—but thae Fowk up the Watter is bigger Leears than we are doon here!"
Words and Weights.
"Mal Apropos."Rector's Wife."Well, Venables, how do you think we Sold the Jersey Cow?"Venables.(Factotum and Gardener) "Well, M'm, Master Byles has got the Better o' we a many Times, but—(proudly)—I think as we a' done he to-rights this Turn!!""So awkward! and before the Archdeacon, too!"
"Mal Apropos."Rector's Wife."Well, Venables, how do you think we Sold the Jersey Cow?"Venables.(Factotum and Gardener) "Well, M'm, Master Byles has got the Better o' we a many Times, but—(proudly)—I think as we a' done he to-rights this Turn!!""So awkward! and before the Archdeacon, too!"
"Mal Apropos."
"A Slip o' the Tongue."Yachting Biped."Then you'll Look us up at Primrose 'ill?"New Acquaintance(gentlemanly man). "Oh, yes—near the 'Zoo,' isn't it? We often drop in and have a Look at the Monkeys!"
"A Slip o' the Tongue."Yachting Biped."Then you'll Look us up at Primrose 'ill?"New Acquaintance(gentlemanly man). "Oh, yes—near the 'Zoo,' isn't it? We often drop in and have a Look at the Monkeys!"
"A Slip o' the Tongue."
Confession in Confusion.Priest."Now, tell me, Doolan, truthfully, how often do you go to Chapel?"Pat."Will, now, shure oi'll till yer Riv'rence the Trut'. Faix, I go as often I can avoid!"
Confession in Confusion.Priest."Now, tell me, Doolan, truthfully, how often do you go to Chapel?"Pat."Will, now, shure oi'll till yer Riv'rence the Trut'. Faix, I go as often I can avoid!"
Confession in Confusion.
The New Running Drill.(A respectful appeal to His Royal Highness the Commander-in-Chief.)Captain Bluard, as he appeared in Command of his Company.
The New Running Drill.(A respectful appeal to His Royal Highness the Commander-in-Chief.)Captain Bluard, as he appeared in Command of his Company.
The New Running Drill.
Our Military Manœuvres.Irish Drill-Sergeant(to Squad of Militiamen). "Pr's'nt 'Rrms!"—(Astonishing result.)—"Hiv'ns! what a 'Prisint'! Jist stip out here now, an' look at yersilves!!"
Our Military Manœuvres.Irish Drill-Sergeant(to Squad of Militiamen). "Pr's'nt 'Rrms!"—(Astonishing result.)—"Hiv'ns! what a 'Prisint'! Jist stip out here now, an' look at yersilves!!"
Our Military Manœuvres.
The Race not yet Extinct.Country Excursionist(just landed at G. W. Terminus). "Could you inform me what these 'ere Busses charge from Paddington to the Bank?"Dundreary(with an effort). "Au-h, po' m'Soul, haven't an Idea-h! Never wode 'n one in m'Life! Should say a mere Twifle! P'waps a Shilling, or Two Shillings. 'Don't think the Wascals could have the Conscience to charge you more than Thwee Shillings! 'Wouldn't pay more than Four! I'd see 'em at the D-D-Doo-ooce!"
The Race not yet Extinct.Country Excursionist(just landed at G. W. Terminus). "Could you inform me what these 'ere Busses charge from Paddington to the Bank?"Dundreary(with an effort). "Au-h, po' m'Soul, haven't an Idea-h! Never wode 'n one in m'Life! Should say a mere Twifle! P'waps a Shilling, or Two Shillings. 'Don't think the Wascals could have the Conscience to charge you more than Thwee Shillings! 'Wouldn't pay more than Four! I'd see 'em at the D-D-Doo-ooce!"
The Race not yet Extinct.
A Dilemma.Party(overcome by the heat of the Weather). "Hoy! Cab!"Driver."All Right, Sir, if you'll just Walk to the Gate."Party."O, Bother! Walking to 'Gate!"Driver."Well, Sir, if you can't get through, I don't see how I can get over!"
A Dilemma.Party(overcome by the heat of the Weather). "Hoy! Cab!"Driver."All Right, Sir, if you'll just Walk to the Gate."Party."O, Bother! Walking to 'Gate!"Driver."Well, Sir, if you can't get through, I don't see how I can get over!"
A Dilemma.
Adjustment.Bootmaker(who has a deal of trouble with this Customer). "I think, Sir, if you were to Cut your Corns, I could more easily find you a Pair——"Choleric Old Gentleman. "Cut my Corns, Sir!—I ask you to Fit me a Pair o' Boots to my Feet, Sir!—I'm not going to Plane my Feet down to Fit your Boots!!!"
Adjustment.Bootmaker(who has a deal of trouble with this Customer). "I think, Sir, if you were to Cut your Corns, I could more easily find you a Pair——"Choleric Old Gentleman. "Cut my Corns, Sir!—I ask you to Fit me a Pair o' Boots to my Feet, Sir!—I'm not going to Plane my Feet down to Fit your Boots!!!"
Adjustment.
A Mine of Speculation.Dealer(to Wavering Customer). "Well, of Course we all Know that—he's got 'is Bad Points an' 'is Good Points; but what I say is, there's no Deception about 'is Bad Points—we can See 'em. But we can't none of us Tell 'ow many Good Points he may 'ave till we comes to Know 'im!!"The "Party" took time to consider.
A Mine of Speculation.Dealer(to Wavering Customer). "Well, of Course we all Know that—he's got 'is Bad Points an' 'is Good Points; but what I say is, there's no Deception about 'is Bad Points—we can See 'em. But we can't none of us Tell 'ow many Good Points he may 'ave till we comes to Know 'im!!"The "Party" took time to consider.
A Mine of Speculation.
"Argumentum ad Hominem!"Dealer."I know you don't like his 'Ead, and I allow he ain't got a purty 'Ead; but Lor'—now look at Gladstone, the cleverest Man in all England!—and look at 'is 'Ead"!!!
"Argumentum ad Hominem!"Dealer."I know you don't like his 'Ead, and I allow he ain't got a purty 'Ead; but Lor'—now look at Gladstone, the cleverest Man in all England!—and look at 'is 'Ead"!!!
"Argumentum ad Hominem!"
Veneration.Lodger."I shall not Dine at Home to-day, Ma'am, but I've a Friend coming this Evening. If you could Give us Something Nice for Supper——"Landlady(Low Church). "Would you like the Remainder of the Cold Turkey—ah('feels a delicacy')—hem!Beelze-bubbed, Sir?"
Veneration.Lodger."I shall not Dine at Home to-day, Ma'am, but I've a Friend coming this Evening. If you could Give us Something Nice for Supper——"Landlady(Low Church). "Would you like the Remainder of the Cold Turkey—ah('feels a delicacy')—hem!Beelze-bubbed, Sir?"
Veneration.
A Soft Answer.Irascible Old Gent."Waiter! This Plate is quite Cold!"Waiter."Yessir, but the Chop is 'ot, Sir, which I think you'll find it'll Warm up the Plate nicely, Sir!"
A Soft Answer.Irascible Old Gent."Waiter! This Plate is quite Cold!"Waiter."Yessir, but the Chop is 'ot, Sir, which I think you'll find it'll Warm up the Plate nicely, Sir!"
A Soft Answer.
Seasonable Luxury.Old Gent(disgusted). "Heck, Waiter! Here's a—here's a—a—Caterpillar in this Chop!"Waiter(flippantly). "Yessir. About the time o' Year for 'em just now, Sir!"
Seasonable Luxury.Old Gent(disgusted). "Heck, Waiter! Here's a—here's a—a—Caterpillar in this Chop!"Waiter(flippantly). "Yessir. About the time o' Year for 'em just now, Sir!"
Seasonable Luxury.
Education!Papa(improving the occasion at Luncheon). "Now, look, Harry, the circumference of this Cake is equal to about three times the diameter, and——"Harry."Oh, then, Pa', let me have the c'cumf'rence for my Share!!"
Education!Papa(improving the occasion at Luncheon). "Now, look, Harry, the circumference of this Cake is equal to about three times the diameter, and——"Harry."Oh, then, Pa', let me have the c'cumf'rence for my Share!!"
Education!
Cricket!Uncle."Well, Tom, and what have you Done in Cricket this Half?"Tom."Oh, bless you, Uncle, we've been 'nowhere,' this Season; all our best 'Men,' you know, were Down with theMeasles!"
Cricket!Uncle."Well, Tom, and what have you Done in Cricket this Half?"Tom."Oh, bless you, Uncle, we've been 'nowhere,' this Season; all our best 'Men,' you know, were Down with theMeasles!"
Cricket!
Treacherous Confederate.Uncle George(who has been amusing the Young People with some clever Conjuring). "Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, you saw me Burn the Handkerchief.—Would you be Surprised to Find—(Roars of Laughter)—I shall produce the Orange our Young Friend here was so Obliging as to offer to Take Care of, and Inside which, I've no doubt, we shall Find the Shilling?!"
Treacherous Confederate.Uncle George(who has been amusing the Young People with some clever Conjuring). "Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, you saw me Burn the Handkerchief.—Would you be Surprised to Find—(Roars of Laughter)—I shall produce the Orange our Young Friend here was so Obliging as to offer to Take Care of, and Inside which, I've no doubt, we shall Find the Shilling?!"
Treacherous Confederate.
Breaking the Ice.Sprightly Lady."Mr. Dormers, would you Oblige me with——"Bashful Curate(who had scarcely spoken to his Fair Neighbour). "O, certainly. What shall I have the Pleasure to Offer?——"Lady."——A Remark!!"
Breaking the Ice.Sprightly Lady."Mr. Dormers, would you Oblige me with——"Bashful Curate(who had scarcely spoken to his Fair Neighbour). "O, certainly. What shall I have the Pleasure to Offer?——"Lady."——A Remark!!"
Breaking the Ice.