ACT II.SCENEI.—Downing-street, after a Cabinet Meeting.LORDA.;CLOSEWIND;SHIFT;SMOOTH;and other Members of the Cabinet.Lord A.That point being settled, gentlemen, the sooner you are at your posts the better. The King comes down to dissolve on Friday.40But, before we part, we had better{286}decide about this Presidency of the Board of Manufactures. The appointment requires an able man; ofratherpeculiar attainments. Mr. Turnstile has been mentioned to me; and his claims I am told, are strong:—long devotion to science,—great expense and loss of time for public objects,—high reputation, and weight of opinion, as a man of science.40Parliament is ordinarily dissolved by Proclamation, after having been previously prorogued. However, there is at least one modern instance to justify the historical consistency of the text, namely, that which occurred on the 10th June, 1818, when the Prince Regent, afterwards George IV., dissolved the Parliament in person. The Dramatist cannot therefore be properly accused of drawing heedlessly upon his imagination, though even had he thus far transgressed the boundaries of historical truth, Horace’s maxim might have been pleaded inexcuse:—“Pictoribus atque PoetisQuidlibet audendi semper fuit æqua potestas.”Smooth.I believe that he has leftscience; at least, he wishes it to be so considered. He is my colleague at Shoreditch; and, of course, I wish to support him;—but,—when business is to be done;—and men,—and things, to be brought together,—I own,—Idoubt—whether a more practical man,—mightnot——Shift.Andthatpoor Turnstile certainly is not. He must always havea reason;—nothing but thequod erat demonstrandum; a romancer; if you have anything to do, his first object isto do it well. I am quite sure he will not answer our purpose.Closewind.He talks too much about consistency; and on party questions, you are never sure of him: last week he did not divide with us, on either night.Lord A.Well;Iam quite indifferent. I did hear of his being at Lord Flumm’s; and after what had just passed in the Lords, a personal friend of mine would, perhaps, have kept away from that quarter. Is there no other person?Smooth.(Hesitatingly.) Davies Gilbert.Shift.(Laughing.) Pooh! Pooh! Poor Gilbert! No, that will never do.Smooth.Or—Warburton?Shift.(Sneering.) Worse and worse!—ifeverthere was animpracticable——Closewind.But we don’t know that Turnstile is sure of his seat. Smooth, hasn’t MacLeech been talked of for Shoreditch?{287}Smooth.He’scertainof succeeding! The independent gentlemen don’t quite like Turnstile—they wish for Highway—and the split will foil them both. MacLeech—now that he has been mentioned—I must acknowledge, does seem to me to be theveryman for the manufactures,—a practical, persevering man of business,—never absent from the House,—excellent Scotch connections,—a cousin of the Duke ofY.’s——.Lord A.That is a good point, certainly. An appointment given there would be candid and liberal;—it mightconciliate——Closewind.A very civil, excellent fellow, too. MacLeech,Ishould say, is the man.Shift.I quite agree with you.Smooth.I confess, I think he will fill the office well. And if it is thought quite necessary that Hume’s motion to reduce the salary,—though it is notlarge——Closewind.Oh, no! The salary had better remain;—2000l.is not too much. Besides, theprincipleof giving way is bad.Lord A.Well, gentlemen, let it be so. Smooth, you will let MacLeech know that he has the office.Smooth.And at the present salary?Lord A.Agreed.[Exeunt.SCENEIV.—The Athenæum Club.SMOOTHandATALLat a table.Smooth.I saw it this morning on the breakfast-table at Lord A’s; it is an admirable article, and I was told is yours.Atall.(Decliningly.) These things, you know, are always supposed to be anonymous. But I am not sorry that you liked the paper. Did his lordship speak of it?{288}Smooth.The book was open at the article upon the table. It does you honour. Hitsjustthe happy point,—hints probableintentions, without giving any pledge,—enough to please the Liberals,—and full room forexplanation, if any change becomes expedient. The true plan, believe me, for a ministry, in times like these, is to proceeden tâtonnant.—Pray, Mr. Dean, how is the Bishop of Hereford?Atall.I didn’t know that he was particularly ill. He has long been feeble.Smooth.These complainers do sometimes hold out. But they cannot last for ever.—We meet I hope to-morrow at the levee. Yououghtto be there.Atall.I have come to town for the purpose; having secured, I think, Closewind’s election at Cambridge.Smooth.Well done, my very good friend! Men of talent should always pull together. Sorry that I must go; but we meet to-morrow. (Shaking hands very cordially.)[Exit.SCENEVI.—BYEWAYS’lodgings.BYEWAYSalone, writing.EnterTURNSTILE.Turnstile.My dear Byeways; I want your assistance. Deserted by those shabby dogs the Radicals, and tricked, I fear, by the Whigs, I find I have no chance of a decent show of numbers at the next election, if my scientific friends do not support me with spirit. Even so, itcanbe only an honourable retreat. I count uponyou,—you understand the world;—and as soon as we can muster a committee, you must be my chairman.Byeways.My good friend, don’t be in a hurry; sit down and tell me all about it. I know you don’t care much about your seat,—and after all,—it is,—to you, a waste of{289}time;—but, with the Independents at your back, you are secure. As to me, my dear fellow, you know that Iam——Turnstile.But man! the Independents, as you call them, have taken up Highway; he blusters, and goes any length.Byeways.But Smooth, you know, is strong in Shoreditch,—Government interest,—you brought him in last time; and you and he,together——Turnstile.I know it; but he says he is notstrong enoughto run any risk. If you will be my chairman, with a good committee, we may at least die game.Byeways.My dear Turnstile, you know how glad I always am to serve you—and you know whatI think;—but in my situation, my dear fellow, it is quite impossible that I canopposethe ministers. MacLeech too, they say, is a candidate; and his brother-in-law’s uncle was very civil, last year, in Scotland, to my wife’s cousin.—But Ihavea plan for you. There is Atall, just come to town; makehimyour chief, and bring the Cambridge men together. The clergy were always strong in Shoreditch. Atall can speak to them.—I am obliged to go to the War Office.—And you had better lose no time in seeing Atall. Sorry to bid you good-bye.[Exit.Turnstile.Well, thisisstrange! yet I thought I might have counted upon Byeways.[Exit.SCENEVIII.—LADYFLUMM’SDrawing-room.LADYFLUMM;LADYSELINA;HON.MRS.FUBSEY.Mrs. Fubsey.But, my dear sister; howcanyou so beflatter that poor man? You don’t know all the mischief you may do to him.Lady Flumm.“Poor man!” I cannot pity him. His maxim is, that knowledge is power; and he thinkshis{290}knowledge is all that can be known. He has to learn thatourknowledge, also, is power; and that we know how to use it too.EnterLORDFLUMM.Lord Flumm.There, Lady Selina, so much for your philosophic friend. Poor Turnstile! What a business hehasmade of it. Here is the “Times,” with the report of the Shoreditch election meeting. Turnstile has no chance. The Scotchmen coalesce; Highway none of us can think of; and Smooth and MacLeech walk over the ground in triumph; and then, the Presidency of Manufactures, theveryappointment for which poor Turnstile was fitted (and, to do the poor devil justice, he could have filled it well), is given to MacLeech, a Scotch hanger on, or distant cousin of Smooth’s, and with the old salary, in spite of all that Hume could say against it.—Bravo! Reform, and the Whigs for ever!—We Tories could not have done the business in a better style.Enter a Footman.Footman.Mr. Turnstile, my Lady, sends up his card.Lady Flumm.Oh, not at home! And Sleek, put a memorandum in the visiting-book, that we are “out of town,” whenever Mr. Turnstile calls.SCENEXII.—TURNSTILE’SParlour. Night.TURNSTILEalone.Turnstile.Then all is up. What a fool have I been to embark upon this sea of trouble! Two years of trifling and lost time; while others have been making discoveries and adding to their reputation. ThoserascalWhigs, my blood boils to think of them. I can forgive the Shoreditch{291}people—the greasy, vulgar, money-getting beasts;—but my friends, the men of principle——(Getting up and walking about.)Is it still too late to return? (Looking round upon his books and instruments.) There you are, my old friends, whom Ihavetreated rather ungratefully. What a scene at that cursed meeting! Highway’s bullying; and the baseness of Smooth; the sleek, sly, steering of that knave MacLeech; and yet theymustsucceed. There’s no help for it. Iamfairly beaten—thrown overboard, with not a leg to stand upon; and all I have to do is to go to bed now, to sleep off this fever; and to-morrow, take leave of politics, and try to be myself once more.END OF THE EXTRACTS.Note.—The reader will doubtlessly have already discovered that “Byeways,” with the otherdramatis personæof this squib, are living characters not unknown in fashionable and political circles. In a future edition, if it can be done without offence, I may perhaps be induced to present them to the public without their masks and buskins.
SCENEI.—Downing-street, after a Cabinet Meeting.LORDA.;CLOSEWIND;SHIFT;SMOOTH;and other Members of the Cabinet.
Lord A.That point being settled, gentlemen, the sooner you are at your posts the better. The King comes down to dissolve on Friday.40But, before we part, we had better{286}decide about this Presidency of the Board of Manufactures. The appointment requires an able man; ofratherpeculiar attainments. Mr. Turnstile has been mentioned to me; and his claims I am told, are strong:—long devotion to science,—great expense and loss of time for public objects,—high reputation, and weight of opinion, as a man of science.
40Parliament is ordinarily dissolved by Proclamation, after having been previously prorogued. However, there is at least one modern instance to justify the historical consistency of the text, namely, that which occurred on the 10th June, 1818, when the Prince Regent, afterwards George IV., dissolved the Parliament in person. The Dramatist cannot therefore be properly accused of drawing heedlessly upon his imagination, though even had he thus far transgressed the boundaries of historical truth, Horace’s maxim might have been pleaded inexcuse:—“Pictoribus atque PoetisQuidlibet audendi semper fuit æqua potestas.”
40Parliament is ordinarily dissolved by Proclamation, after having been previously prorogued. However, there is at least one modern instance to justify the historical consistency of the text, namely, that which occurred on the 10th June, 1818, when the Prince Regent, afterwards George IV., dissolved the Parliament in person. The Dramatist cannot therefore be properly accused of drawing heedlessly upon his imagination, though even had he thus far transgressed the boundaries of historical truth, Horace’s maxim might have been pleaded inexcuse:—
“Pictoribus atque PoetisQuidlibet audendi semper fuit æqua potestas.”
“Pictoribus atque PoetisQuidlibet audendi semper fuit æqua potestas.”
“Pictoribus atque Poetis
Quidlibet audendi semper fuit æqua potestas.”
Smooth.I believe that he has leftscience; at least, he wishes it to be so considered. He is my colleague at Shoreditch; and, of course, I wish to support him;—but,—when business is to be done;—and men,—and things, to be brought together,—I own,—Idoubt—whether a more practical man,—mightnot——
Shift.Andthatpoor Turnstile certainly is not. He must always havea reason;—nothing but thequod erat demonstrandum; a romancer; if you have anything to do, his first object isto do it well. I am quite sure he will not answer our purpose.
Closewind.He talks too much about consistency; and on party questions, you are never sure of him: last week he did not divide with us, on either night.
Lord A.Well;Iam quite indifferent. I did hear of his being at Lord Flumm’s; and after what had just passed in the Lords, a personal friend of mine would, perhaps, have kept away from that quarter. Is there no other person?
Smooth.(Hesitatingly.) Davies Gilbert.
Shift.(Laughing.) Pooh! Pooh! Poor Gilbert! No, that will never do.
Smooth.Or—Warburton?
Shift.(Sneering.) Worse and worse!—ifeverthere was animpracticable——
Closewind.But we don’t know that Turnstile is sure of his seat. Smooth, hasn’t MacLeech been talked of for Shoreditch?{287}
Smooth.He’scertainof succeeding! The independent gentlemen don’t quite like Turnstile—they wish for Highway—and the split will foil them both. MacLeech—now that he has been mentioned—I must acknowledge, does seem to me to be theveryman for the manufactures,—a practical, persevering man of business,—never absent from the House,—excellent Scotch connections,—a cousin of the Duke ofY.’s——.
Lord A.That is a good point, certainly. An appointment given there would be candid and liberal;—it mightconciliate——
Closewind.A very civil, excellent fellow, too. MacLeech,Ishould say, is the man.
Shift.I quite agree with you.
Smooth.I confess, I think he will fill the office well. And if it is thought quite necessary that Hume’s motion to reduce the salary,—though it is notlarge——
Closewind.Oh, no! The salary had better remain;—2000l.is not too much. Besides, theprincipleof giving way is bad.
Lord A.Well, gentlemen, let it be so. Smooth, you will let MacLeech know that he has the office.
Smooth.And at the present salary?
Lord A.Agreed.[Exeunt.
SCENEIV.—The Athenæum Club.SMOOTHandATALLat a table.Smooth.I saw it this morning on the breakfast-table at Lord A’s; it is an admirable article, and I was told is yours.
SCENEIV.—The Athenæum Club.SMOOTHandATALLat a table.
Smooth.I saw it this morning on the breakfast-table at Lord A’s; it is an admirable article, and I was told is yours.
Atall.(Decliningly.) These things, you know, are always supposed to be anonymous. But I am not sorry that you liked the paper. Did his lordship speak of it?{288}
Smooth.The book was open at the article upon the table. It does you honour. Hitsjustthe happy point,—hints probableintentions, without giving any pledge,—enough to please the Liberals,—and full room forexplanation, if any change becomes expedient. The true plan, believe me, for a ministry, in times like these, is to proceeden tâtonnant.—Pray, Mr. Dean, how is the Bishop of Hereford?
Atall.I didn’t know that he was particularly ill. He has long been feeble.
Smooth.These complainers do sometimes hold out. But they cannot last for ever.—We meet I hope to-morrow at the levee. Yououghtto be there.
Atall.I have come to town for the purpose; having secured, I think, Closewind’s election at Cambridge.
Smooth.Well done, my very good friend! Men of talent should always pull together. Sorry that I must go; but we meet to-morrow. (Shaking hands very cordially.)[Exit.
SCENEVI.—BYEWAYS’lodgings.BYEWAYSalone, writing.EnterTURNSTILE.Turnstile.My dear Byeways; I want your assistance. Deserted by those shabby dogs the Radicals, and tricked, I fear, by the Whigs, I find I have no chance of a decent show of numbers at the next election, if my scientific friends do not support me with spirit. Even so, itcanbe only an honourable retreat. I count uponyou,—you understand the world;—and as soon as we can muster a committee, you must be my chairman.
SCENEVI.—BYEWAYS’lodgings.BYEWAYSalone, writing.
EnterTURNSTILE.
Turnstile.My dear Byeways; I want your assistance. Deserted by those shabby dogs the Radicals, and tricked, I fear, by the Whigs, I find I have no chance of a decent show of numbers at the next election, if my scientific friends do not support me with spirit. Even so, itcanbe only an honourable retreat. I count uponyou,—you understand the world;—and as soon as we can muster a committee, you must be my chairman.
Byeways.My good friend, don’t be in a hurry; sit down and tell me all about it. I know you don’t care much about your seat,—and after all,—it is,—to you, a waste of{289}time;—but, with the Independents at your back, you are secure. As to me, my dear fellow, you know that Iam——
Turnstile.But man! the Independents, as you call them, have taken up Highway; he blusters, and goes any length.
Byeways.But Smooth, you know, is strong in Shoreditch,—Government interest,—you brought him in last time; and you and he,together——
Turnstile.I know it; but he says he is notstrong enoughto run any risk. If you will be my chairman, with a good committee, we may at least die game.
Byeways.My dear Turnstile, you know how glad I always am to serve you—and you know whatI think;—but in my situation, my dear fellow, it is quite impossible that I canopposethe ministers. MacLeech too, they say, is a candidate; and his brother-in-law’s uncle was very civil, last year, in Scotland, to my wife’s cousin.—But Ihavea plan for you. There is Atall, just come to town; makehimyour chief, and bring the Cambridge men together. The clergy were always strong in Shoreditch. Atall can speak to them.—I am obliged to go to the War Office.—And you had better lose no time in seeing Atall. Sorry to bid you good-bye.[Exit.
Turnstile.Well, thisisstrange! yet I thought I might have counted upon Byeways.[Exit.
SCENEVIII.—LADYFLUMM’SDrawing-room.LADYFLUMM;LADYSELINA;HON.MRS.FUBSEY.Mrs. Fubsey.But, my dear sister; howcanyou so beflatter that poor man? You don’t know all the mischief you may do to him.
SCENEVIII.—LADYFLUMM’SDrawing-room.LADYFLUMM;LADYSELINA;HON.MRS.FUBSEY.
Mrs. Fubsey.But, my dear sister; howcanyou so beflatter that poor man? You don’t know all the mischief you may do to him.
Lady Flumm.“Poor man!” I cannot pity him. His maxim is, that knowledge is power; and he thinkshis{290}knowledge is all that can be known. He has to learn thatourknowledge, also, is power; and that we know how to use it too.
EnterLORDFLUMM.
Lord Flumm.There, Lady Selina, so much for your philosophic friend. Poor Turnstile! What a business hehasmade of it. Here is the “Times,” with the report of the Shoreditch election meeting. Turnstile has no chance. The Scotchmen coalesce; Highway none of us can think of; and Smooth and MacLeech walk over the ground in triumph; and then, the Presidency of Manufactures, theveryappointment for which poor Turnstile was fitted (and, to do the poor devil justice, he could have filled it well), is given to MacLeech, a Scotch hanger on, or distant cousin of Smooth’s, and with the old salary, in spite of all that Hume could say against it.—Bravo! Reform, and the Whigs for ever!—We Tories could not have done the business in a better style.
Enter a Footman.
Footman.Mr. Turnstile, my Lady, sends up his card.
Lady Flumm.Oh, not at home! And Sleek, put a memorandum in the visiting-book, that we are “out of town,” whenever Mr. Turnstile calls.
SCENEXII.—TURNSTILE’SParlour. Night.TURNSTILEalone.Turnstile.Then all is up. What a fool have I been to embark upon this sea of trouble! Two years of trifling and lost time; while others have been making discoveries and adding to their reputation. ThoserascalWhigs, my blood boils to think of them. I can forgive the Shoreditch{291}people—the greasy, vulgar, money-getting beasts;—but my friends, the men of principle——(Getting up and walking about.)
SCENEXII.—TURNSTILE’SParlour. Night.TURNSTILEalone.
Turnstile.Then all is up. What a fool have I been to embark upon this sea of trouble! Two years of trifling and lost time; while others have been making discoveries and adding to their reputation. ThoserascalWhigs, my blood boils to think of them. I can forgive the Shoreditch{291}people—the greasy, vulgar, money-getting beasts;—but my friends, the men of principle——(Getting up and walking about.)
Is it still too late to return? (Looking round upon his books and instruments.) There you are, my old friends, whom Ihavetreated rather ungratefully. What a scene at that cursed meeting! Highway’s bullying; and the baseness of Smooth; the sleek, sly, steering of that knave MacLeech; and yet theymustsucceed. There’s no help for it. Iamfairly beaten—thrown overboard, with not a leg to stand upon; and all I have to do is to go to bed now, to sleep off this fever; and to-morrow, take leave of politics, and try to be myself once more.END OF THE EXTRACTS.Note.—The reader will doubtlessly have already discovered that “Byeways,” with the otherdramatis personæof this squib, are living characters not unknown in fashionable and political circles. In a future edition, if it can be done without offence, I may perhaps be induced to present them to the public without their masks and buskins.
Is it still too late to return? (Looking round upon his books and instruments.) There you are, my old friends, whom Ihavetreated rather ungratefully. What a scene at that cursed meeting! Highway’s bullying; and the baseness of Smooth; the sleek, sly, steering of that knave MacLeech; and yet theymustsucceed. There’s no help for it. Iamfairly beaten—thrown overboard, with not a leg to stand upon; and all I have to do is to go to bed now, to sleep off this fever; and to-morrow, take leave of politics, and try to be myself once more.
END OF THE EXTRACTS.
Note.—The reader will doubtlessly have already discovered that “Byeways,” with the otherdramatis personæof this squib, are living characters not unknown in fashionable and political circles. In a future edition, if it can be done without offence, I may perhaps be induced to present them to the public without their masks and buskins.