CHAPTER VIII.
It was mentioned in the preceding chapter, that Sir George Aimwell and Colonel Crop most inopportunely met and detained Mr Darnley. This worthy couple, after leaving the rector of Neverden to pursue his walk, lounged lazily towards Neverden Hall, and entered into wise and knowing consultation concerning the commission with which the colonel fancied himself entrusted, as relating to Miss Glossop.
The worthy baronet thought and said, that if Lord Spoonbill had any serious intention of marrying Miss Glossop, it would be far more suitable that his lordship should make his personalappearance, and offer his hand regularly and orderly.
“Certainly,” said the colonel, “certainly; but you know that his lordship is peculiarly situated.”
Whether the colonel had any meaning, when he said that Lord Spoonbill was peculiarly situated, we cannot say, but there is in general a very great and comprehensive meaning in that phrase. If, for instance, a man is looking for a piece of preferment, or is in any way dependent on the powers that be, or the powers that may be, and if he is requested to give a vote on any occasion according to his own views or opinions, he is very ready to say that he wishes well to that person or object for whom the vote is solicited, but that it is not in his power to vote as he wishes, because he is peculiarly situated. In short, wherever a man’s interest interferes with his duty or conscience, and the principle of selfish interest is strongerthan duty or conscience, then it is that he is peculiarly situated.
Now the Right Honorable Lord Spoonbill was a man of title and high rank, and his associates were of a select and superfine description; if therefore he fixed his affections on a lady in a humbler sphere, or less distinguished society, he could not make advances regularly and honorably, because he was peculiarly situated.
To the remark of Colonel Crop, that Lord Spoonbill was peculiarly situated, the worthy magistrate of Neverden Hall considerately replied:
“Clearly so, I am perfectly aware of it: but still you must acknowledge that it would have been more correct if his lordship had communicated his intentions to Arabella without the intervention of a third person. However, I will not say or do anything that shall be the means of preventing the poor girl from having a good establishment in life. I know that these high people have very peculiar notions.”
Then the gallant colonel launched forth right liberally in praise of Lord Spoonbill, and well he might, seeing that not only was he indebted to his lordship for access to a most excellent table, but he was also under obligation to him for the distinction and consideration derived from such noble patronage and countenance.
“I suppose,” continued the baronet, “that it must be a private marriage?”
“No doubt,” replied the colonel; “for his lordship is entirely dependent on the Earl his father, and it would be a serious affair to act in direct and open opposition to his will.”
“Exactly so,” answered the magistrate; “but when the marriage has taken place, and the Earl sees that opposition must be fruitless, and especially when he is introduced to the young lady, then he will think more calmly on the subject. Well, it will be a fine match for Arabella. Her father little thought when he sent her to Neverden what good luck was in storefor her. I think I will not write to her father about the affair, but let him be taken by surprise.”
At this step in the consultation the interruption of the dinner-bell put a stop to the discussion, and the two gentlemen soon found themselves pleasantly engaged in paying an unequivocal and practical homage to the culinary talents of the baronet’s cook. Colonel Crop was unusually attentive to Miss Glossop, and the young lady in return was most politely attentive to Colonel Crop. But Lady Aimwell was not so very polite to Colonel Crop as was her general custom; for her ladyship had been mightily displeased with the announcement which she had recently received from her right worshipful lord and master. In proportion, however, to Lady Aimwell’s lack of courtesy, was the redundance and superabundance of Miss Glossop’s politeness and vivacity; so that ere the cloth was removed, her ladyship was in acomplete fit of the sullens, and took it into her head to have the head-ache, and expressed her intention of retiring immediately.
Miss Glossop, as in duty bound, attended her discourteous relative, and was in full expectation of hearing a long dismal lecture all about propriety and all that sort of thing. There are two sorts of people that do not like to be lectured—those that do not understand the subject on which they are lectured, and those that do understand it. For such as know all that can be said, do not mightily desire to hear it all over again; and such as know nothing about it, care nothing about it; and if there be a few in an intermediate class who know a little about the matter, they do not in general desire to have their little knowledge increased by lecturing. When Mr Martin’s Act about cruelty to animals was passed, not a word was said about lecturing. This was a great omission.
But fortunately for Arabella Glossop, it so happened that Lady Aimwell was too far gonein ill humour even to administer a lecturing to her high-minded relative. Her ladyship merely, in a pettish tone, said, “I beg, madam, that I may not detain you from more agreeable company.”
Miss Glossop, who knew that time would be lost if she should enter upon any discussion, readily took her aunt at her word, and politely wishing her good night, returned to the company more agreeable to herself.
It is not known by what arguments, or with what eloquence, the gallant colonel convinced and assured Miss Glossop of the supposed fact of Lord Spoonbill’s tender affection and high regard for her; nor is there any record of the readiness or reluctance with which the young lady believed it all; it is only known that in the absence of Lady Aimwell, which gave the colonel an opportunity of executing his commission, Miss Glossop was put in possession of the important information, and that she was delighted at the thought of marrying the son ofan Earl, especially such a charming man as Lord Spoonbill.
It should however be mentioned, that Miss Glossop never heard, or even suspected, that Colonel Crop was commissioned with any more humiliating proposals. And though there might be something suspicious, and not altogether accurate, in this proxy courtship, yet the young lady pardoned it all under the consideration that Lord Spoonbill was peculiarly situated.
Very pleasing were the anticipations of Miss Glossop in looking forward to the possession of a mansion so splendid as Smatterton Castle. Very readily did Miss Glossop dismiss from her mind all thoughts of tenderness for the poor lieutenant, and very readily did she renounce all design on the heart of Robert Darnley, leaving that in the undisturbed possession of Miss Primrose.
Colonel Crop had no sooner fulfilled his commission, than he immediately betook himself to the gratifying employment of communicating hissuccess to Lord Spoonbill, in the full expectation of receiving his lordship’s most hearty thanks for the pains that he had taken, and the dexterity with which he had conducted the negociation.
It was too great a task for the gallant colonel to write a whole letter on the very evening of his return from Neverden Hall to Smatterton Castle; he therefore began the letter in the evening, resolving to finish it on the morning of the following day.
Just as the gallant officer had concluded the writing of his despatches, and was preparing to fold and seal his important communication, the successor of the crafty Nick Muggins brought letters to Smatterton Castle. One of these letters concerned Colonel Crop and the business of which he had just been writing. The colonel, seeing the hand-writing of his respected patron and employer, had sense and sagacity enough to open and read that letter before he sealed and sent off his own.
It is astonishing to observe what wonderful sagacity some people possess, who are by no means regarded by the rest of the world as conjurors. Colonel Crop, to an ordinary observer, would have appeared a very stupid kind of man, and by no means addicted to the exercise of the reasoning powers. But notwithstanding this his habitual and constitutional obtuseness, he had the wisdom to reason so far as to conclude that he might as well read Lord Spoonbill’s letter to him before he sent off his letter to Lord Spoonbill.
The letter, which Colonel Crop now opened, was as follows:
“Dear Crop,“I find by a letter from my old maiden cousin addressed to the Countess, that the young lady’s father is not in such flourishing circumstances as he represents himself, and if Darnley has deserted her also, I think that I may now have her on my own terms. However, if Aimwellmakes a fuss about the matter, let the negociation go on as if for marriage. Only of course you will represent that it is absolutely indispensable that the marriage must be private, and must be kept a secret for some time. Bring her up to town with you as soon as possible, giving me a day’s notice of your journey.“Yours ever,Spoonbill.”
“Dear Crop,
“I find by a letter from my old maiden cousin addressed to the Countess, that the young lady’s father is not in such flourishing circumstances as he represents himself, and if Darnley has deserted her also, I think that I may now have her on my own terms. However, if Aimwellmakes a fuss about the matter, let the negociation go on as if for marriage. Only of course you will represent that it is absolutely indispensable that the marriage must be private, and must be kept a secret for some time. Bring her up to town with you as soon as possible, giving me a day’s notice of your journey.
“Yours ever,Spoonbill.”
Now the conduct which Lord Spoonbill recommended Colonel Crop to pursue on this occasion, was villanous, mean, and treacherous. But the right honorable one knew that the gallant officer would not disoblige a good friend; and the colonel himself, though he might perhaps have had some slight objection to be used as an instrument of treachery, was peculiarly situated. For he knew not where else he should find so good a table and such superb claret, at so slight a cost as at the houses of Lord Smatterton. Besides, it was not (he reasoned) his fault,if Lord Spoonbill should deceive the young lady.
It is very likely that Colonel Crop, under other circumstances, would not have lent himself to negociations of this nature; but as it was, he could not well help himself. It is also very probable that, if Lord Spoonbill had not been dependent on his father, he would not have used such indirect and circuitous negociation, and he might perhaps have made honorable proposals instead of making those which were dishonorable. The Society for the Suppression of Vice is perfectly aware that narrowness of circumstances is the great cause of most of the sins of which mortals are guilty; and therefore that venerable society wisely directs its attention and investigations to the poorer classes. The nobility never sell apples on Sunday, the nobility never shave for a penny on Sunday morning. And all those countless abominations, at which that excellent society liftsup its pious eyes, are the sins arising from narrowness of circumstances and dependence of situation.
When Colonel Crop had read Lord Spoonbill’s letter, he forthwith proceeded to make such additions to his own letter as the circumstances of the case required; and if the colonel had not been an indolent man, and desirous of affecting a very laconic species of writing, he most surely would, in the letter which he wrote on this occasion, have led his right honorable employer to suspect an error of apprehension, and a mistake in the person.
Lord Spoonbill very readily accounted for what appeared to him as the ready compliance of Penelope, by referring it to the circumstances of the desertion of Robert Darnley, and the perplexed condition of her father’s affairs. His lordship also took it into his head that Mr Primrose had designedly misrepresented the condition of his property, and therefore his lordshipaffected to be mightily angry with him, and to think that it would be but a proper and suitable retaliation to deceive the unwary daughter.
This was a curious mode of reasoning, but a very slight shadow of apology will serve to satisfy a gentleman of such habits and pursuits as the heir apparent to the earldom of Smatterton. Besides, if a man is resolved on an act of treachery and meanness at all events, what signifies the strength or weakness of the apology which he makes to himself? The most logical apology is no excuse to the world, and the most illogical is a very good one to himself.