CHAPTER XVII.
It is the character of history to pass over in silence years of peace, and to dwell copiously on seasons of war or scenes of discord. Seeing then that our friends at Neverden and Smatterton are now peacefully reconciled, and all is proceeding with them smoothly and calmly, we will turn our attention to the fugitives, and follow the gallant one and the lovely one on their perilous and ill-advised excursion.
It will however be necessary to present our readers with two letters, one from Colonel Crop to Lord Spoonbill, and one from Lord Spoonbill to Colonel Crop; and we beg to caution all editors, publishers, and proprietors of “Polite Letter-writers,” against pirating these letters forthe purpose of enriching and rendering more attractive their said books on the subject of letter-writing. The first letter of the two is as follows:
“My Lord,“Your lordship’s letter came to hand. In answer to which I have the honor to say, that the lady is disposed to accompany me to town, whenever it shall please your lordship.“I have the honor to be,My Lord,Your Lordship’s most obedient, &c.”
“My Lord,
“Your lordship’s letter came to hand. In answer to which I have the honor to say, that the lady is disposed to accompany me to town, whenever it shall please your lordship.
“I have the honor to be,My Lord,Your Lordship’s most obedient, &c.”
In answer to this his lordship replied:
“My dear Crop,“You are the best fellow in the world. Take it for granted that your fortune is made. Come as soon as you can. Bring the dear angel to Erpingham’s cottage, and send me word immediately on your arrival.“Yours, ever faithfully,Spoonbill.”
“My dear Crop,
“You are the best fellow in the world. Take it for granted that your fortune is made. Come as soon as you can. Bring the dear angel to Erpingham’s cottage, and send me word immediately on your arrival.
“Yours, ever faithfully,Spoonbill.”
This last letter arrived the very day before that on which Miss Glossop was destined to return home. Happy therefore was the gallant colonel when, by means of a stolen interview with the young lady, he learned from her that she was prepared to take her flight as early as possible on the following morning. Preparations were accordingly made; and at six o’clock in the morning, as already recorded, the young lady, accompanied by her military guardian, forsook the beautiful plains of Neverden and the splendid towers of Smatterton.
A journey is pleasant and animating. There is something in rapidity of movement quite inspiring. It cheers the dejected spirits. It enlivens the stupid, and clears away the vapours from the stagnant soul. It decidedly brightens the wits. Hence we find that jockies are so very keen and knowing; the rapidity with which they are carried along is the cause of their shrewdness. Hackney-coachmen are stupid people, and waggoners are stupider still. As slow movementsare unfavourable to the wits, so are they also depressing to the spirits. And we think that it was an additional punishment to the rogues that were formerly hung at Tyburn, that they were condemned to be slowly dragged through the streets. For though no man is ever in a great hurry to be hanged, yet, to have been galloped over the stones at a good round pace would not have been half so dismal as to crawl along at a snail’s pace. Furthermore it may be remarked, that whenever gentlemen ride or drive furiously, it is a symptom that they are either melancholy or stupid, and that by worrying horses to death they are endeavouring to cheer their own spirits or to brighten their wits. And once more it is also worthy of remark, how prodigiously stupid some men are, seeing that though they frequently travel most rapidly, and ride and drive most furiously, and leap over hedges and ditches, floundering, galloping, roaring, tearing and shrieking after hares and foxes; yet, after all, they remain as stupid as hackney-coachmen, who have nevermoved more rapidly than at the rate of five miles in an hour. This paragraph may be omitted in the reading if the reader thinks it too profound.
The rapidity of movement produced an agreeable effect on the travellers of whom we are speaking. For Miss Glossop was in remarkably high spirits, and the colonel was so animated as to talk incessantly for the first five minutes of the journey, and, when he had finished, Miss Glossop talked incessantly all the rest of the way.
There is something so peculiarly pathetic in the phrase, “Ah! little did he think,” &c., that we cannot pass by the suitable occasion here afforded for the introduction of such phraseology. Though by the way it is not perhaps any great addition to a calamity that a man does not long beforehand anticipate it, and thereby suffer from anticipation more pain perhaps than he endures from the reality. To proceed however with our pathetics.
Ah! little did Lord Spoonbill think, while hewas looking forward to a rapturous meeting with his adored and beloved and angelic Penelope, whom he loved as dearly as Werter loved his Charlotte; little did his lordship think what an insufferable blockhead was Colonel Crop not to remember Penelope Primrose, or not to distinguish between her and Arabella Glossop. And little did his lordship think what a pert, forward hussey was this said Arabella, that from so slight an acquaintance and with so great facility she should throw herself into the arms of a comparative stranger!
To change the scene again. Ah! little did Arabella Glossop think, when journeying up to London, delighted in her escape from the tyranny of Lady Aimwell, and pleased to have eluded the vigilance of her father, while she was gabbling and chattering with all the boisterous impertinence of high spirits, and looking forward to a proudly blushing meeting with her superfine hereditary legislative admirer—little did she think, poor creature, that she was notthe young lady that his lordship expected! And now we are on the subject of little thinking, we may as well add that Colonel Crop thought as little as either Miss Glossop or the Right Honorable Lord Spoonbill.
The journey was performed in safety, and the precious couple of fugitives arrived in London two hours before Mr Glossop. According to direction, the gallant colonel conducted his charge immediately to the cottage which Lord Spoonbill had purchased of his fantastic friend Erpingham. The time of their arrival at this beautiful and secluded retreat, was about noonday. The day was brilliantly fine and the scene was beautiful. But the young lady was rather surprized to find herself in so very small a villa; and she expressed her surprize to her gallant conductor, who informed her that the nobility frequently occupied such cottage-like retreats in the vicinity of London, and that it was absolutely necessary that the marriage should be perfectly private; and that therefore his lordshiphad chosen this secluded retirement. And much more to the same purpose did the gallant colonel say to the young lady in explanation of the comparatively humble abode to which he had brought her.
Now Miss Glossop was a great blockhead for making any such remarks, seeing that she had been informed that Lord Spoonbill was so peculiarly situated that he could not at present publicly avow his marriage, and therefore if he did marry it must be private, and that a splendid mansion was not consistent with privacy. But the fact is that, enamoured as Miss Glossop might have been with Lord Spoonbill’s own sweet self, there was some little addition to the tender passion by means of the splendor and magnificence with which lordships are generally surrounded.
Lord Spoonbill was presently informed of the interesting fact of the young lady’s arrival, and his lordship lost no time in hastening to greet his beloved one. All the way that he rode he wasmeditating sweet speeches and fascinating looks, and he was wondering to himself how the lovely one would look, and whether she would meekly and gracefully, as was her usual mode of meeting those whom she respected, bend with a humble curtesy and wait the encouraging voice of her right honorable lover, before she should raise her fine dark eyes and greet her enamoured admirer, or whether tenderness would gain the advantage over reverence, and she should throw herself gently into her lover’s arms.
Ah! little did he think, we might say again. But the anticipation which he enjoyed through means of his ignorance, was a pleasure far beyond any which a knowledge of the truth could have afforded him.
And should any kindred spirit here sympathize with his lordship, and feel a trembling anxiety on account of the miserable disappointment which he is now doomed to suffer, let such an one think how blest he was in ignorance. And should such kindred spirit burn with indignation against theprince of blunderers, that paragon of boobies, that climax of nincompoops, the gallant and convenient Colonel Crop, let such indignation coolly subside at the thought, that but for the said colonel’s stupidity the Right Honorable Lord Spoonbill would not have enjoyed these delightful day-dreams, this rapturous revelling of hope. For, had the colonel addressed his message to Penelope Primrose instead of to Arabella Glossop, he would have found that his prospect of success was so infinitely little, that he must have retired without hope and have resigned his commission.
As Lord Spoonbill approached the house, his agitation increased and his thoughts were in greater confusion. He was blessing Colonel Crop as one of the most valuable officers in the army, and he was fully resolving that the gallant colonel should ere long rise to higher dignity.
With these delightful anticipations his lordship drew nigh to that secret retreat where heexpected to find his heart’s dearest treasure. And while his lordship was enjoying his thoughts in the rapturous revelling of hope, Miss Glossop was putting on and practising her finest airs and graces, and was in most delectable doubt as to the precise mode in which she should meet the enamoured one. She rehearsed her part in various modes and was pleased with all, but could not tell which she was most pleased with.
At length they met, but not exactly as either of them anticipated. Miss Glossop was reclining on a sofa, but as soon as the door of the apartment was opened, she hastily rose to meet his lordship. Lord Spoonbill did not at the first glance immediately recognize the young lady, for of course he had not the slightest doubt whatever that it was Penelope. But at the very moment when he was holding out his hand to the fair one, and just opening his lips to say something soft and sweet, his eye caught the recollected features of the fantastical miss whohad afforded him so much amusement by her airs and graces when looking over Smatterton castle.
Forthwith there rushed into the mind of the hereditary legislator a thousand conflicting thoughts. It is astonishing that he could find room for so many. Suddenly his hand dropped to his side, and his mouth, that was half-opened ready to speak, was fixed in that unpicturesque position, and the poor man was fastened to the spot in mute astonishment. On the other hand, the fair Arabella, who had been anticipating raptures and ladyships, and routs and feathers, and all manner of foolery, was as petrified as his lordship when she saw how petrified his lordship was, and she wondered what his lordship meant. But his lordship could not have told her had he been so disposed. And then there rushed into Miss Glossop’s mind as many contending thoughts as had rushed into the mind of Lord Spoonbill. This was a very unpleasant position for both parties. It was manifest to both that there was “something wrong,” as it is said whena steam-engine blows up or a tunnel lets in the water.
Of the state of the nation, and especially of the national debt, it is sometimes observed that matters cannot go on so long. The same remark is applicable to the awkward situation of Lord Spoonbill and Miss Glossop; but the difficulty was, who should speak first. Never was Lord Eldon, our late worthy chancellor, so completely in suspense as was Lord Spoonbill on this melancholy and posing occasion. If he had been completely and altogether disappointed, and if Colonel Crop had deceived him with the pretence of having brought up Penelope when he had not done so, that would have been bad enough as a mere negative misfortune; but instead of the lovely and graceful and gentle Penelope, to see the inelegant, vulgar and affected Miss Glossop, who had been once, and that the only time he had ever seen her, more of a laughing-stock than an object of admiration—oh, it was most abominable!
Now the Right Honorable Lord Spoonbill was, in his way, a very polite man, and he could not think of deliberately and coolly saying to Miss Glossop, “Pray, how came you here?” And on the other hand, Miss Glossop, though perfectly well disposed to throw herself into his lordship’s arms, could not possibly think of so doing without the slightest indication on the part of his lordship that such a step would be agreeable to him.
After a few seconds of most indescribable embarrassment, his lordship said in a voice and tone as indescribable as the embarrassment, “The lady, I believe, whom I had the honor of seeing at Smatterton castle a few months ago?”
Arabella trembled and blushed, and replied very softly and with downcast eyes, “The same, my lord.”
Having said this, though in speaking she nearly fainted, she felt herself somewhat relieved, and began to think that now the ice was broken. But what was her astonishment when his lordshipmerely replied, “Will you be so good as to be seated?”
In obedience to his lordship’s commands the lady took a seat, and his lordship did not, as she expected he would, take a seat at her side, but he abruptly left the room. What can be the meaning of this, thought Miss Glossop; is his lordship so overcome that he cannot speak to me? And then Miss Glossop, being left alone, meditated most perplexedly.
In the mean time Lord Spoonbill went to look after his hopeful negociator, his prince of fine fellows, that ornament to the army, Colonel Crop. And when he found the gallant colonel he was not so mute with astonishment as when he met Miss Glossop; but as soon as he caught sight of the officer, he spoke with hurried agitation and right honorable wrath. His language was not the most decorous and respectful, it was such in fact as could not with propriety make its appearance in print before so fastidiousa public as we are now blessed with. Suffice it to say, that his lordship did swear most violently, and did call Colonel Crop by several very unhandsome names. So that the colonel, if he had been given to be very angry and resentful, would have been as angry as his lordship. But the colonel was a good-tempered and quietly-disposed man, and he was seldom angry, especially with a lord, and especially with a lord who kept such an excellent table as Lord Spoonbill. And therefore, in reply to all that torrent of wrath which was too bad to be printed, he merely replied with opened eyes and mouth, and blank-looking expression of countenance; “Why, what is the matter, my lord?”
“Matter!” bawled his lordship; “Who is this young woman you have brought here?”
Then the colonel was indeed astonished, and began to think that his lordship was not quite in his right senses. And the gallant one fixed his eyes enquiringly upon his feeder, and asgently as he could speak, for fear of exciting the paroxysm, he said, “Why—why—is not this the lady you mentioned to me?”
Lord Spoonbill was for a moment or two speechless from vexation; at length his words broke forth with more heat than discretion, and he exclaimed, “Crop, are you a fool?”
This is what is called a delicate question, though, according to our notion of matters in general, we think it an indelicate question. The colonel did not give an immediate reply to it, thinking that it neither needed nor deserved reply. According to the laws of honor, the gallant colonel should have demanded an apology or satisfaction for the insult, but he knew full well that apologies are but lies, and that he was very sure of obtaining satisfaction in a more digestible form than in that of a pistol ball. So the gallant one did not put himself into a passion, or bristle up with fierce resentment, but he merely said, “’Pon honor, I thought it was the lady that you meant.”
Seeing that Colonel Crop was so very patient under the irritating language which his lordship used, Lord Spoonbill somewhat abated the violence of his wrath; and having been, by the colonel, brought into a difficulty, he now looked to the same valuable officer to bring him out of the difficulty.
“Well, colonel,” said his lordship, “as you have been foolish enough to bring the lady here, you must be wise enough to take her back again.”
“But how can I manage?” said the colonel; “what must I say to her to explain the affair?”
“Oh, that is your concern,” replied his lordship; “but you may tell her, if you please, that Lord Smatterton has heard of my intention of marrying, and that he resolves to prevent it.”
“But, won’t that be a lie?” replied the colonel.
“Nonsense,” replied his lordship.
We are very much of his lordship’s opinion. It was truly ridiculous for this unprincipled tool to make a scruple about a falsehood, after the line of conduct in which he had been engaged.
While Colonel Crop, Lord Spoonbill, and Miss Glossop, were engaged, as mentioned above, Mr Glossop had called upon Zephaniah Pringle the critic, in order to learn from him the place of his lordship’s retreat, and to hear more particulars concerning his lordship’s probable designs towards Arabella. Zephaniah was at home, in all his glory, in a dressing gown and slippers, having a table covered with books and papers, playing the great solo farce of “We,” and thinking that all the world was thinking about nothing but himself.
Mr Glossop introduced himself to the critic, by means of a letter from Charles Pringle, the rector of Smatterton. Mr Glossop looked like a person of some consequence. He had a mightyimportant air, and was indeed, in his own town and neighbourhood, a very important personage. Zephaniah received him graciously, gracefully, and politely. Zephaniah opened and read his cousin’s letter, shook his head, and looked very important and serious.
“I am very sorry, sir,” said the critic, “for the unpleasant affair which brings you up to town, and I should be most happy to give you any assistance in my power towards recovering your daughter.”
Zephaniah spoke rather slowly and with a drawling affectation, and that did not exactly suit the agitated feelings of Mr Glossop. Therefore the father interrupted the critic and begged to be told, in as few words as possible, what was the nature of the conversation which he had heard passing between Lord Spoonbill and Mr Erpingham, concerning the design of the former in bringing a young lady up to town.
Mr Pringle then related all that he had heardas far as he could recollect it, and as he was generally very fond of talking about what he had heard lords say, his recollection was tolerably correct from practice. What wonderful creatures lords are! It is a pity that Pidcock does not add a few to his collection; for they are not too cunning to be caught, and now and then it is said that they may be purchased for a trifle. But to proceed.
When Mr Glossop heard the account of the talk that passed between Lord Spoonbill and Mr Erpingham, it appeared to the father of Arabella that his daughter was in most imminent danger, and though he had generally a good opinion of the young lady’s understanding, he could not help distrusting it when she was placed in a difficult situation. Asking and receiving from Zephaniah Pringle a direction to Mr Erpingham’s cottage, he hastened there with all due expedition, and arrived at the very moment when the gallant colonel and his righthonorable employer were discussing the difficult question of the disposal of this ill-caught bird.
Mr Glossop was soon introduced into the presence of Lord Spoonbill and the colonel. And the attorney, who was skilled in discerning great men by sight of their majestic physiognomy and commanding air, immediately addressed himself to Lord Spoonbill.
“I believe I have the honor of addressing Lord Spoonbill?”
“My name is Spoonbill,” replied his lordship; “and may I ask who is the gentleman addressing me?”
“My name, my lord, is Glossop,” said the father of Arabella, with violent wrath.
“What of that! Mr Glossop,” replied his lordship, with most insulting coolness.
“What of that!” echoed Mr Glossop—and the echo was louder than the words echoed—“What of that! You have my poor misguidedchild in this house. Restore her to me this moment, or by all that’s sacred you shall feel the weight of my arm.”
Lord Spoonbill was not sorry that one difficulty was thus removed. There was no more perplexity as to the disposal of the young lady; but Lord Spoonbill did not like to be bullied, and he therefore did not very cautiously reply to the enraged parent. Alas! the Right Honorable Lord Spoonbill did not know Mr Glossop, and did not consider how serious is the wrath of an injured parent. The father of Arabella could not bear to be trifled with, and in a moment of intense irritation he raised his vindictive arm, and Lord Spoonbill felt his vengeance. We do not wish everybody to know it, but we cannot refrain from telling our particular friends that Lord Spoonbill received a severe horse-whipping.
To heal the wounds which his honor and shoulders had sustained, his lordship retiredawhile to the continent, and, in Paris, had soon the pleasure of reading in the English newspapers, the marriage of Robert Darnley of Neverden, to Miss Primrose of Smatterton.
THE END.
LONDON:PRINTED BY C. H. REYNELL, BROAD STREET, GOLDEN SQUARE.