BREAKFASTS AT BALLINROBE.
Election for County Mayo—Author and Counsellor Moore at Ballinrobe—Mr. Dan Martin’s “little paved parlour”—Preparations for a festive breakfast—A formidable incursion—Counsellor Moore laid prostrate—Advance of the foe—The two barristers take up an elevated position—Disappearance of the various eatables—General alarm—Dislodgment of the enemy—Mr. Dan Martin’s comments upon the “affair”—Secretsworth Knowing—All’s Well that Ends Well.
The following is almost too trifling an anecdote to be recorded; but, as it characterises place, time, and people, and is besides of a novel description, I cannot deny myself the pleasure of relating it. The period at which it occurred was that of the Mayo election alluded to in the last sketch.
After some days of hard labour, bad food, worse wine, and no tranquillity, Mr. Martin (I think that was his name), the owner of an alehouse in our interest, told us with great glee, he had got in a few loaves of good white bread and apaper of tea from Castlebar, fit for the chancellor—together with fresh eggs and new milk; and that if we would vouchsafe to put up with his own “little paved parlour,” we should have a roaring fire, capital buttered toast, and, in short, every thing to our satisfaction, one mealany how; it was God’s curse and a thousand pities he had nothing better for the “dear counsellors;” but there was to be a fine slip of a pig killed in the town that night by a friend of his own, and we might have a beautiful griskin next morning broiled to our liking.
My friend Moore and I were delighted at the announcement of a comfortable breakfast (for some time a stranger to us), and immediately went into the little paved parlour, where every thing was soon in full array according to Mr. Daniel Martin’s promises. The turf fire glowed fit to roast an ox; abundance of hot buttered toast was quickly placed before it; plenty of new-laid eggs appeared—some boiled, some poached; a large saucepan with hot water was bubbling on the ashes; our tea was made (as the tea-pot leaked) in a potsheen-jug; and every thing appeared in the most proper state tofeasttwo latelyhalf-fedDublin barristers (as they called us). My mouth watered, Moore licked his lips, and we never sat down to the sensual enjoyment of the palate with moregoûtor satisfaction than in Mr. Martin’s “little paved parlour.”
It seemed as if nothing short of an earthquake(perhaps not even that) could have disappointed us. But I do not recollect any incident during a long life so completely verifying the old aphorism of “Many a slip between the cup and the lip.” During our happy state of anticipation, rather a loud rap was heard:—I was just in the act of cracking the shell of an egg, with my back to the door, and cried out, “Come in! come in!” Nobody entered; but another and still louder rap succeeded. My friend, not being at that instant so busily occupied as I, stepped to the door, with the purpose of telling whoever it might be to “call again” in half an hour. I meanwhile proceeded with my egg; when I heard Moore, who was not in the habit of using imprecations, cry out piteously, “Oh! blood and oons!” and his exclamation was accompanied by a crash that alarmed me. On turning rapidly round, to aid him in any possible emergency, I saw my companion extended on the floor, his heels kicked up in the air, and eight or ten youngpigsmaking the best of their way over the counsellor’s prostrate body with great vivacity. Theirmother, with divers deep and savage grunts, snorting, and catching the air through her enormous proboscis, took her way round the other side of the room, and effectually cut us off both from the door and our weapons on the breakfast-table. This manœuvre certainly would have daunted much greater heroes than either of us pretended to be; and I doubt if thereis a field-marshal in the service either of his Britannic or Most Christian Majesty who would have felt himself quite at ease under similar circumstances.
We had no retreat: the foe had anticipated us, and appeared both able and willing to slaughter us for the sake of her progeny. “Mount, Moore,” said I. He limped, for his leg was hurt, to a high old-fashioned chest of drawers, which fortunately stood in a corner. Upon these drawers each of us got, and thence watched ulterior operations, but by no means considering ourselvesout of dangerfrom sofrightfulan enemy.
That the reader who has not been accustomed to associate with swine at Ballinrobe may form a just idea of our situation, he shall be made accurately acquainted with the species of lady visitor we had to deal with. The eight or tenchilderwere what we call “piggin riggins,” too old for a dainty and too young for bacon—the “hobble-de-hoys” of swinehood. Their mother literally “towered above her sex,” and was the lankiest and most bristly sow I ever beheld. Her high arched back, taller than a donkey’s, springing from the abutments of her loins and shoulders, resembled a coarse rustic bridge; her dangling teats swept the ground; long loose flabby ears nearly concealed a pair of small fiery blood-shot sunken eyes, and their ends just covered one half of a mouth which, dividing her head as itwere into an upper and under story, clearly showed that she had the means of taking what bite she pleased out of any thing. Her tusks, indeed, like a boar’s, peeped under her broad and undulating nostrils, which were decorated with an iron ring and hook, that appeared to afford the double power of defending the wearer against assaults and hooking in an enemy.
Of such a description was the family that paid us this unwelcome visit, demonstrating thereby the uncertainty of all sublunary expectations. The fact was, that the lady, with ten of herchilder, had been wallowing in the quagmire by the side of our parlour-window, which we had opened to give a part of the captive smoke an opportunity of escaping—but which at the same time let out the savoury perfume of our repast; this entering piggy’s sensitive nostrils, she was roused to action, and, grunting to her family as a trumpeter sounds “to horse,” they made their way to the well-known door of the little paved parlour, which finding closed (a very unusual circumstance), madam’s temper was somewhat ruffled, and the catastrophe ensued. Ceremony from a sow, under such circumstances, could not be reasonably looked for, and any delay in disposing of our luxuries was still less to be expected. In her haste to accomplish that achievement, she had on gaining admittance run between the legs of Counsellor Thomas Moore, and, as on an inclined plane, shefirst raised, then deposited him upon the pavement; and leaving him to the discretion of herpiggin riggins, changed her own course to our breakfast-table, which having duly overset, the whole was at her mercy—of which, however, she showed none;—the toast, the bread, the eggs—in short,every thing, disappearing in marvellous quick time.
The two counsellors, from their elevated position, beheld the destruction of all these comforts, and congratulated themselves on the good luck of being personally out of danger: but here also we “reckoned without our host:” we entertained no doubt of madam sow’s peaceable departure, and did not wish to expose ourselves to the ridicule of being discovered perched upon a chest of drawers. One of thepiggins, however, not content with the prey he had already got, in roaming about for more, and unaccustomed to boiling water, happened to overset the large saucepan which was steaming upon the hob, and which descended full on his unseasoned hide. Hereupon, feeling his tender bristles getting loose, and at the first scratch coming away with a due quantity of scarf-skin to keep them together, he set up the most dreadful cries I ever heard, even from the most obstinate of his race when the butcher was taking the preliminary steps towards manufacturing corned pork—thatcomrade of pease-pudding, and glory of the British navy!
Themammaof course attributed the cries of her darling to some torture inflicted by theChristiansupon the drawers; to the foot of which she therefore trotted, and with deep and loud grunts looked up at us, opening her wide jaws, and seeming to say, “I wish I had you both down here, and my dear littlepiggin rigginsshould soon be revenged for your cruelty!” I thought that, once or twice, she appeared disposed to try if she could balance her body on her hind-legs and rear up against the chest of drawers; in which case, even if her jaws did not clearly take hold of us, the strong iron hook in her nose would be sure to catch and hawl down one or other by the leg—as, if once hooked, it would only be a trial of strength between the sow’s snout and the tendon Achilles of either counsellor. We could not kick at her for fear of the same hook; so we kept dancing and stamping, to try if that would deter her. But she was too much bent on mischief to care for our defensive operations; and we were ultimately obliged to resort to that step generally taken by people when they find themselves failing in point of fortitude, and manfully cried out—“Murder! murder!” But as no one came, Moore said they were so used tothatcry in Ballinrobe (and particularly in the “little paved parlour”), that thepeople never minded it; so we changed our tone, and roared “Fire! fire!”
In a second the entire population of the house was in the room, when anéclaircissementtook place. Still, however, theladywould not beat a retreat:—sticks, flails, handles of rakes, and pitchforks, belaboured her in vain; she minded them no more than straws. At length, they seized hold of hertail:—this action seemed to make her imagine that it was desired todetainherinthe room; upon which, that spirit of contradiction inherent in more animals than one, determined her togo out. She accordingly rushed off, followed by the whole brood, and we saw no more of her or her hopeful family.
After they were gone, it took Mr. Martin above five minutes to lavish on the sow andpiggin rigginsevery imprecation his vocabulary could furnish; and he concluded thus:—“Ough! May the curse of Crummell light on yee, for a greedy owld sow as you are! yee need not have taken such trouble to cater for yourchilder. If they had just peeped up the chimney, they’d have seen theirfatheras well dried and smoked as any boar that ever waskiltin Ballinrobe these two years, any how; and by my sowl I expect to have six of thechilderalong with him by next Michaelmas, at latest.”
All being now arranged, we begged Mr. Martinto replenish our board as quickly as possible. Daniel, however, looked grave and chop-fallen, and in two monosyllables apprised us of the extent of our misfortunes. “I can’t,” said he.
“Why?” we both asked in a breath.
“Oh, holy poker!” exclaimed Mr. Dan Martin, “what shall I do to feed yee, counsellors dear! By my sowl, Sir Neil willskiverme! Devil a bit or sup more I have in this same house. Arrah! Mary! Mary!”
“What’s that, avourneen?” said Mary, entering.
“What have you in the house, Mary?” demanded the landlord.
“Ough! the devil a taste was left from the Newport voters, barring what we kept for the counsellors.”
“And have you literallynothing, Mr. Martin?” demanded we.
“All as one,” was the reply. “Sir Neil’s men got the last of the meat; and a minute or two ago, who should come in—devil’s cure to him! but Denis Brown Sallough’s body-sarvant, and pretended, the villain, that he was Sir Neil’s man; and he bought all the rest of the bread and tay for ready money. If I had thought, counsellors, of the incivility my sow put on yees—bad luck to her sowl, egg and bird!—I’d have seen Denis Brown Sallough’s body-sarvantcardedlikea tithe proctor[25]before I’d have sold him as much as would fill a hollow tooth—and by my sowl he has plenty ofthem, counsellors dear!”
25.Cardingthe tithe proctors (who certainly were the genuine tyrants of Ireland) was occasionally resorted to by the White Boys, and was performed in the following manner.The tithe proctor was generally waked out of his first sleep by his door being smashed in; and theboysin white shirts desired him “never to fear,” as they only intended tocardhim this bout for taking a quarter instead of a tenth from every poor man in the parish. They then turned him on his face upon the bed; and taking a lively ram cat out of a bag which they brought with them, they set the cat between the proctor’s shoulders. The beast, being nearly as much terrified as the proctor, would endeavour to get off; but being held fast by the tail, he intrenched every claw deep in the proctor’s back, in order to keep up a firm resistance to the White Boys. The more the tail was pulledback, the more the ram cat tried to goforward; at length, when he had, as he conceived, made his possession quite secure, main force convinced him to the contrary, and that if he kept his hold he must lose his tail. So, he was dragged backward to the proctor’s loins, grappling at every pull, and bringing away here and there strips of the proctor’s skin, to prove the pertinacity of his defence.When the ram cat had got down to the loins he was once more placed at the shoulders, and againcardedthe proctor (toties quoties) according to his sentence.
25.Cardingthe tithe proctors (who certainly were the genuine tyrants of Ireland) was occasionally resorted to by the White Boys, and was performed in the following manner.
The tithe proctor was generally waked out of his first sleep by his door being smashed in; and theboysin white shirts desired him “never to fear,” as they only intended tocardhim this bout for taking a quarter instead of a tenth from every poor man in the parish. They then turned him on his face upon the bed; and taking a lively ram cat out of a bag which they brought with them, they set the cat between the proctor’s shoulders. The beast, being nearly as much terrified as the proctor, would endeavour to get off; but being held fast by the tail, he intrenched every claw deep in the proctor’s back, in order to keep up a firm resistance to the White Boys. The more the tail was pulledback, the more the ram cat tried to goforward; at length, when he had, as he conceived, made his possession quite secure, main force convinced him to the contrary, and that if he kept his hold he must lose his tail. So, he was dragged backward to the proctor’s loins, grappling at every pull, and bringing away here and there strips of the proctor’s skin, to prove the pertinacity of his defence.
When the ram cat had got down to the loins he was once more placed at the shoulders, and againcardedthe proctor (toties quoties) according to his sentence.
“Have you no eggs, Mr. Martin?”
“Why, plase your honour, it’s not two hours since the high sheriff’s cook (as he called himself) came and took every cock and hen I had in the world (he paid like a gentleman, to be sure), for he has a great dinner to-day, and being disappointedof poultry, hekiltevery mother’s babe of mine, gentlemen.”
“You have milk?”
“I’d have plenty of that stuff, counsellors, only (oh my poor cow, and the three heifers!) Sir Neil’s voters are generally sodry, and by my sowl, I believe not far fromhungryeither, that they, five or six times a day if they can, get a drink out of the poor animals. They have been milked, indeed, till their teats are raw, gentlemen, and that’s the truth, and nothing else but thetrue truth.” Recollecting himself, however, he added—“But, counsellors, dear, if your honours can put up withour ownlittle breakfast, you’ll be more welcome nor the flowers of May, and there will be plenty of that, gentlemen, such as it is, and I’ll tell youwhatit is. First and foremost, there’s no better than the apple pratees, and they are ready hot and smothering for ourselves and that d——’d sow and herchilder, and be cursed to them! but the devil a one they will get this day, for affronting yees, gentlemen!—And next to the pratees, there’s the potsheen. Istill’dit myself a year ago, and hid it under ground when the elections came on; but I get a bottle or two out always. And then, gentlemen, I can broil for you (but that’s a secret, plase your honours,) a few beautiful rashers out of the two flitches I have hid on a little shelf up the chimney for fear of the two-guinea freeholders;—it’s more like clear hornnor bacon, counsellors dear,” pursued he, hauling down a side of it as he spoke, and cutting out several large rashers.
“I suppose,” said I, “this is some of your good sow’s family;—if so, I shall have great pleasure in paying her off in her own style?”
“Why, then, counsellor,” said Mr. Martin, laughing and rubbing his hands—“you are the very devil at finding out things!—ha! ha!—By my sowl, it is asisterof the said sow’s, sure enuff—bad luck to the whole breed for eating the buttered toast this blessed morning!”
The result was, that we got rashers, potatoes, and potsheen, for our breakfast; at the end of which Mr. Martin brought in a jug of capital home-brewed ale;—and the possession of this, also, he said was a secret, or the gauger would play the deuce with him. We fared, in a word, very well; I much doubt, to speak truth, if it were not a more appropriate meal for a desperate bad day and much hard work than a lady’s teapot would afford; and, in pursuance of this notion, I had a rasher, potatoe, and draught of good ale, every day afterward during my stay at that abominable election.
English people would hardly credit the circumstances attending an electioneering contest in Ireland, so late as twenty-three years ago. Little attention was then paid by the country gentlemen to their several assize towns; and there was nota single respectable inn at Ballinrobe. Somebody indeed had built the shell of an hotel; but it had not been plastered either within or without, or honoured by any species of furniture: it had not indeed even banisters to the stairs.
Perhaps the time of year and desperate state of the weather (uncheckered by one ray of sunshine) tended to disgust me with the place: but I certainly never in my lifetime was so annoyed as at the election of Ballinrobe, though every thing that could possibly be done for our comfortwasdone by Sir John Brown—than whom I never met any gentleman more friendly or liberal.