ACTI.SCENEI.

SCENE, Learchus'sHouse.

EnterLearchus,Euphronia, andDoris.

Lear.Atlength I am blest with the sight of the World's Wonder, the Delight of Mankind, the incomparableEsop. You had time to observe him last Night, Daughter, as he sat at Supper with me. Tell me how you like him, Child; is he not a charming Person?

Euph.Charming!

Lear.What say'st thou to him,Doris? Thou art a good Judge, a Wench of a nice Palate.

Dor.You wou'd not have me flatter, Sir?

Lear.No, speak thy Thoughts boldly.

Dor.Boldly, you say?

Lear.Boldly, I say.

Dor.Why, then, Sir, my Opinion of the Gentleman is, that he's uglier than an old Beau.

Lear.How! Impudence.

Dor.Nay, if you are angry, Sir, second Thoughts arebest; he's as proper as a Pikeman, holds up his Head like a Dancing-Master, has the Shape of a Barb, the Face of an Angel, the Voice of a Cherubim, the Smell of a Civet-Cat——

Lear.In short, thou art Fool enough not to be pleas'd with him.

Dor.Excuse me for that, Sir; I have Wit enough to make myself merry with him——

Lear.If his Body's deform'd, his Soul is beautiful: Would to kind Heaven, as he is, my Daughter cou'd but find the means to please him!

Euph.To what End, dear Father?

Lear.That he might be your Husband, dear Daughter.

Euph.My Husband! Shield me, kind Heaven——

Dor.Psha! he has a mind to make us laugh, that's all.

Lear.Esop, then, is not worth her Care, in thy Opinion?

Dor.Why, truly, Sir, I'm always for making suitable Matches, and don't much approve of breeding Monsters. I wou'd have nothing marry a Baboon, but what has been got by a Monkey.

Lear.How dar'st thou liken so incomparable a Man to so contemptible a Beast?

Dor.. Ah, the Inconstancy of this World! Out of sight, out f Mind. Your little Monkey is scarce cold in his Grave, and you have already forgot what you us'd so much to admire: Do but call him to remembrance, Sir, in his red Coat, new Gloves, little Hat, and clean Linen; then discharge your Conscience, utter the Truth from your Heart, and tell us whether he was not the prettier Gentleman of the two—By my Virginity, Sir, (tho' that's but a slippery Oath, you'll say) had they made love to me together,Esopshould have worn the Willow.

Lear.Since nothing but an Animal will please thee, 'tis pity my Monkey had not that Virginity thou hast sworn by. But I, whom Wisdom charms even in the homeliest Dress, can never think the much-deservingEsopunworthy of my Daughter.

Dor.Now, in the Name of Wonder, what is't you so admire in him?

Lear.Hark, and thou shalt know; but you,Euphronia,Be you more especially attentive.'Tis true he's plain; but that's, my Girl, a Trifle.All manly Beauty's seated in the Soul;And that ofEsop, Envy's self must own,Outshines whate'er the World has yet produc'd.Crœsus, the prosperous Favourite of Heaven;Crœsus, the happiest Potentate on Earth;Whose Treasure (tho' immense) is the least PartOf what he holds from Providence's Care,Leans on his Shoulder as his grand Support,Admires his Wisdom, doats upon his Truth,And makes him Pilot to Imperial Sway.But in this elevated Post of Power,What's his Employ? Where does he point his Thoughts?To live in Splendour, Luxury, and Ease,Do endless Mischiefs, by neglecting Good,And build his Family on other's Ruins?No:He serves the Prince, and serves the People too;Is useful to the Rich, and helps the Poor;There's nothing stands neglected, but himself.With constant Pain, and yet with constant Joy,From Place to Place throughout the Realm he goes,With useful Lessons, form'd to every Rank:The People learn Obedience from his Tongue,The Magistrate is guided in Command,The Prince is minded of a Father's Care,The Subjects taught the Duty of a Child.And as 'tis dangerous to be bold with Truth,He often calls for Fable to his Aid,Where, under abject Names of Beasts and Birds,Virtue shines out, and Vice is cloath'd in Shame.And thus, by inoffensive Wisdom's Force,He conquers Folly wheresoe'er he moves:This is his Portrait.

Dor.A very good Picture of a very ill Face!

Lear.Well, Daughter; what, not a Word? Is it possible any thing that I am Father of can be untouch'd with so much Merit?

Euph.My Duty may make all things possible: ButEsopis so ugly, Sir—

Lear.His Soul has so much Beauty in't, your Reason ought to blind your Eyes: Besides, my Interest is concern'd; his Power alarms me. I know throughout the Kingdom he's the Scourge of evil Magistrates, turns out Governors when they turn Tyrants; breaks Officers for false Musters; excludes Judges from giving Sentence, when they have been absent during the Trial; hangs Lawyers when they take Fees on both Sides; forbids Physicians to take Money of those they don't cure. 'Tis true, my Innocence ought to banish my Fears: But my Government, Child, is too delicious a Morsel, not to set many a frail Mouth a-watering. Who knows what Accusations Envy may produce? But all wou'd be secure, if thou could'st touch the Heart ofEsop. Let me blow up thy Ambition, Girl; the Fire of that will make thy Eyes sparkle at him. [She sighs.]——What's that Sigh for, now? Ha! A young Husband, by my Conscience: Ah Daughter, hadst thou a young Husband, he'd make thee sigh indeed. I'll tell thee what he's compos'd of. He has a Wig full of Pulvilio, a Pocket full of Dice, a Heart full of Treason, a Mouth full of Lyes, a Belly full of Drink, a Carcase full of Plaisters, a Tail full of Pox, and a Head full of——nothing. There's his Picture: wear it at thy Heart, if thou can'st but here comes one of greater Worth.

EnterEsop.

Lear.Good Morning to my noble Lord; your Excellency——

Esop.Softly, good Governor: I'm a poor Wanderer from Place to Place; too weak to train the Weight of Grandeur with me! The Name of Excellency's not for me.

Lear.My noble Lord, 'tis due to your Imploy; your Predecessors all——

Esop.My Predecessors all deserv'd it, Sir; they weregreat Men in Wisdom, Birth and Service; whilst I, a poor, unknown, decrepid Wretch, mounted aloft for Fortune's Pastime, expect each Moment to conclude the Farce, by sinking to the Mud from whence I sprung.

Lear.GreatCrœsus's Gratitude will still support you; his Coffers all are open to your Will, your future Fortune's wholly in your Power.

Esop.But 'tis a Power that I shall ne'er employ.

Lear.Why so, my Lord?

Esop.I'll tell you, Sir.

A hungry Goat, who had not eatSome Nights and Days——(for want of Meat)Was kindly brought at last,By Providence's Care,To better Cheer,After a more than penitential Fast.He found a Barn well stor'd with Grain:To enter in requir'd some Pain;But a delicious BaitMakes the Way easy, tho' the Pass is strait.Our Guest observing various Meats,He put on a good modish Face,He takes his Place,He ne'er says Grace,But where he likes, he there falls to and eats.At length, with jaded Teeth and Jaws,He made a Pause;And finding still some room,Fell to as he had done before,For time to come laid in his Store;And when his Guts cou'd hold no more,He thought of going home.But here he met the Glutton's Curse;He found his Belly grown so great,'Twas vain to think of a Retreat,Till he had render'd all he had eat,And well he far'd no worse.

To the Application, Governor.

Lear.'Tis easy to be made, my Lord.

Esop.I'm glad on't, Truth can never be too clear.[SeeingEuph.] Is this young Damsel your fair Daughter, Sir?

Lear.'Tis my Daughter, my good Lord: Fair too, if she appears such in the Eyes of the unerringEsop.

Esop.[Going up to salute her.] I never saw so beautiful a Creature.

Lear.[Aside.] Now's the time; kiss soft, Girl, and fire him.

Esop.[Gazing at her.] How partial's Nature 'twixt her Form and mine!

Lear.[Aside.] Look, look, look, how he gazes at her!—--Cupid's hard at work, I see that already. Slap; there he hits him—if the Wench would but do her Part. But see, see, how the perverse young Baggage stands biting her Thumbs, and won't give him one kind Glance——Ah the sullen Jade! Had it been a handsome strong Dog, of five-and-twenty, she'd a fall'n a coquetting on't, with every Inch about her. But may be 'tis I that spoils Sport; I'll make a Pretence to leave them together. Will your Lordship please to drink any Coffee this Morning?

Esop.With all my Heart, Governor.

Lear.Your Lordship will give me leave to go and order it myself; for unless I am by, 'tis never perfect.

Esop.Provided you leave me this fair Maid in Hostage for your Return, I consent.

Lear.My good Lord does my Daughter too much Honour. Ah that the Wench wou'd but do her Part! [Aside going off.]——Hark, you, Hussy——[Turning back toEuphronia, aside.]——You can give yourself Airs sometimes, you know you can. Do you remember what work you made with yourself at Church t'other Day? Play your Tricks over again, once more, for my Pleasure, and let me have a good Account of this Statesman, or, d'ye hear?——You shall die a Maid; go chew upon that; go.

[ExitLear.

Esop.Here I am left, fair Damsel, too much expos'd to your Charms, not to fall your Victim.

Euph.Your Fall will then be due to your own Weakness, Sir; for, Heaven's my Witness, I neither endeavour nor wish to wound you.

Esop.I understand you, Lady; your Heart's already dispos'd of; 'tis seldom otherways, at your Age.

Euph.My Heart dispos'd of!

Dor.Nay, never mince the Matter, Madam. The Gentleman looks like a civil Gentleman, e'en confess the Truth to him: He has a good Interest with your Father, and no Doubt will employ it to break the Heathenish Match he proposes to you. [ToEsop.] Yes, Sir, my young Lady has been in love these two Years, and that with as pretty a Fellow as ever entered a Virgin's Heart; tall, strait, young, vigorous, good Clothes, long Perriwig, clean Linen; in brief, he has every thing that's necessary to set a young Lady a-longing, and to stay it when he has done: but her Father, whose Ambition makes him turn Fool in his old Age, comes with a back Stroke upon us, and spoils all our Sport. Wou'd you believe it, Sir? He has propos'd to her to-day the most confounded ugly Fellow! Look, if the very Thoughts of him don't set the poor Thing a-crying! And you, Sir, have so much Power with the old Gentleman, that one Word from you would set us all right again. If he will have her a Wife, in the Name ofVenus, let him provide her a handsome Husband, and not throw her into the Paws of a Thing, that Nature, in a merry Humour, has made half Man, half Monkey.

Esop.Pray, what's this Monster's Name, Lady?

Euph.No matter for his Name, Sir; my Father will know what you mean, at first Word.

Esop.But you shou'd not always chuse by the Outside alone: believe me, fair Damsel, a fine Perriwig keeps many a Fool's Head from the Weather: Have a Care of your young Gallant.

Dor.There's no Danger, I have examin'd him; his Inside's as good as his out! I say, he has Wit, and I think I know.

Euph.Nay, she says true; he's even a Miracle of Wit and Beauty: Did you but see him, you'd be yourself my Rival.

Esop.Then you are resolv'd against the Monster?

Dor.Fy, Sir, fy; I wonder you'll put her in Mind of that foul, frightful Thing: We shall have her dream of nothing all Night but Bats and Owls, and Toads and Hedge-hogs; and then we shall have such a squeaking and squalling with her, the whole House will be in an Uproar: Therefore, pray, Sir, name him no more, but use your Interest with her Father, that she may never hear of him again.

Esop.But if I shou'd be so generous to save you from the old Gallant, what shall I say for your young one?

Euph.O, Sir, you may venture to enlarge upon his Perfections; you need not fear saying too much in his Praise.

Dor.And pray, Sir, be as copious upon the Defects of t'other; you need not fear out-running the Text there, neither, say the worst you can.

Euph.You may say, the first is the most graceful Man thatAsiaever brought forth.

Dor.And you may say the latter is the most deform'd Monster that Copulation ever produc'd.

Euph.Tell him thatOronces(for that is his dear Name) has all the Virtues that compose a perfect Hero.

Dor.And tell him, thatPigmyhas all the Vices that go to equip an Attorney.

Euph.That to one I cou'd be true to the last Moment of my Life.

Dor.That for t'other, she'd cuckold him the very Day of her Marriage. This, Sir, in few Words, is the Theme you are desir'd to preach upon.

Esop.I never yet had one that furnish'd me with more Matter.

Enter Servant.

Ser.My Lord, there's a Lady below desires to speak with your Honour.

Esop.What Lady?

Ser.'Tis my Lady—my Lady—[ToDoris.] The Lady there, the wise-Lady, the great Scholar, that Nobody can understand.

Dor.O ho, is it she? Pray let's withdraw, and oblige her, Madam; she's ready to swoon at the insipid Sight of one of her own Sex.

Euph.You'll excuse us, Sir; we leave you to wiser Company.

[ExeuntEuph. andDor.

EnterHortensia.

Hort.The Deess, who fromAtropos's Breast preserves the Names of Heroes and their Actions, proclaims your Fame throughout this mighty Orb, and——

Esop.[Aside.] Shield me, my Stars! What have you sent me here? For Pity's Sake, good Lady, be more humane: My Capacity is too heavy, to mount to your Style: If you wou'd have me know what you mean, please to come down to my Understanding.

Hort.I've something in my Nature soars too highFor vulgar Flight, I own;ButEsop's Sphere must needs be within Call;Esopand I may sure converse together:I know he's modest, but I likewise knowHis Intellects are categorical.

Esop.Now, by my Faith, Lady, I don't know whatIntellectis; and methinks,categoricalsounds as if you call'd me Names. Pray, speak that you may be understood: Language was design'd for it; indeed it was.

Hort.Of vulgar Things in vulgar Phrase we talk;But when ofEsopwe must speak,The Theme's too lofty for an humble Style:Esopis sure no common Character.

Esop.No, truly; I am something particular. Yet if I am not mistaken, what I have extraordinary about me, may be describ'd in very homely Language. Here was a young Gentlewoman but just now pencil'd me out to a Hair, I thought; and yet, I vow to God, the learned'st Word I heard her make use of, was Monster.

Hort.That was a Woman, Sir, a very Woman;Her Cogitations all were on the outward Man:But I strike deeper; 'tis the Mind I view.The Soul's the worthy Object of my Care;The Soul, that Sample of Divinity, that gloriousRay of heavenly Light. The Soul, that awfulThrone of Thought, that sacred Seat of Contemplation.The Soul, that noble Source of Wisdom,That Fountain of Comfort,That Spring of Joy, that happy Token of eternalLife. The Soul, that——

Esop.Pray, Lady, are you married?

Hort.Why that Question, Sir?

Esop.Only that I might wait upon your Husband, to wish him Joy.

Hort.When People of my Composition would marry, they first find something of their own Species to join with; I never could resolve to take a Thing of common Fabric to my Bed, lest, when his brutish Inclinations prompt him, he shou'd make me Mother to a Form like his own.

Esop.Methinks, a Lady so extremely nice should be much at a Loss who to converse with.

Hort.I keep my Chamber, and converse with myself; 'tis better being alone, than to mis-ally one's Conversation: Men are scandalous, and Women are insipid: Discourse without Figure makes me sick at my Soul: O the Charms of a Metaphor! What Harmony there is in the Words of Erudition! The Musick of them is inimaginable.

Esop.Will you hear a Fable, Lady?

Hort.Willingly, Sir; the Apologue pleases me, when the Application of it is just.

Esop.It is, I'll answer for it.

Once on a Time a Nightingale,To Changes prone,Unconstant, fickle, whimsical,(A Female one)Who sung like others of her kind,Hearing a well-taught Linnet's Airs,Had other Matters in her Mind.To imitate him she prepares;Her Fancy strait was on the Wing:I fly, quoth she,As well as he;I don't know whyI should not tryAs well as he to sing.From that Day forth she chang'd her Note,She spoil'd her Voice, she strain'd her Throat:She did, as learned Women do,Till every ThingThat heard her singWou'd run away from her——as I from you.

[ExitEsoprunning.

Hortensiasola.

How grossly does this poor World suffer itself to be impos'd upon!—--Esop, a Man of Sense——Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! Alas, poor Wretch! I shou'd not have known him but by his Deformity; his Soul's as nauseous to my Understanding, as his odious Body to my Sense of Feeling. Well,

'Mongst all the Wits that are allow'd to shine,Methinks there's nothing yet approaches mine:Sure I was sent the homely Age t'adorn;}What Star, I know not, rul'd when I was born,}But every Thing besides myself's my Scorn.}

[Exit.

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