Enter LordRake, SirJohn, &c. with Swords drawn.
Lord Rake.Isthe Dog dead?
Col. Bully.No, damn him, I heard him wheeze.
Lord Rake.How the Witch his Wife howl'd?
Col. Bully.Aye, she'll alarm the Watch presently.
Lord Rake.Appear, Knight, then: Come, you have a good Cause to fight for, there's a Man murder'd.
Sir John.Is there? Then let his Ghost be satisfy'd: for I'll sacrifice a Constable to it presently, and burn his Body upon his wooden Chair.
Enter a Taylor, with a Bundle under his Arm.
Col. Bully.How now! what have we got here? A Thief?
Taylor.No an't please you, I'm no Thief.
Lord Rake.That we'll see presently: Here! let the General examine him.
Sir John.Ay, ay, let me examine him; and I'll lay a hundred Pound I find him guilty in spite of his Teeth——for he looks—like a——sneaking Rascal. Come, Sirrah, without Equivocation or mental Reservation,tell me of what Opinion you are, and what Calling; for by them——I shall guess at your Morals.
Taylor.An't please you, I'm a Dissenting Journeyman Woman's Taylor.
Sir John.Then, Sirrah, you love Lying by your Religion, and Theft by your Trade: And so, that your Punishment may be suitable to your Crimes——I'll have you first gagg'd——and then hang'd.
Tayl.Pray, good worthy Gentlemen, don't abuse me: Indeed I'm an honest Man, and a good Workman, tho' I say it, that shou'd not say it.
Sir John.No Words, Sirrah, but attend your Fate.
Lord Rake.Let me see what's in that Bundle.
Tayl.An't please you, it's my Lady's short Cloak and Sack.
Sir John.What Lady, you Reptile, you?
Tayl.My LadyBrute, an't please your Honour.
Sir John.My LadyBrute! my Wife! the Robe of my Wife—with Reverence let me approach it. The dear Angel is always taking Care of me in Danger, and has sent me this Suit of Armour to protect me in this Day of Battle; on they go.
All.O brave Knight!
Lord Rake.LiveDon Quixotethe Second!
Sir John.Sancho, my 'Squire, help me on with my Armour.
Tayl.O dear Gentlemen! I shall be quite undone if you take the Sack.
Sir John.Retire, Sirrah! and since you carry off your Skin, go home and be happy.
Tayl.I think I'd e'en as good follow the Gentleman's Advice, for if I dispute any longer, who knows but the whim may take 'em to case me—These Courtiers are fuller of Tricks than they are of Money: they'll sooner break a Man's Bones, than pay his Bill.
[ExitTayl.
Sir John.So! how d'ye like my shapes now?
Lord Rake.To a Miracle! He looks like a Queen of theAmazons—But to your Arms! Gentlemen! The Enemy's upon their March—here's the Watch—
Sir John.'Oons! if it wereAlexanderthe Great, atthe Head of his Army, I would drive him into a Horse-Pond.
All.Huzza! O brave Knight!
Enter Watchmen.
Sir John.See! Here he comes, with all hisGreeksabout him—Follow me, Boys.
Watch.Hey-dey! Who have we got here?—Stand.
Sir John.May-hap not!
Watch.What are you all doing here in the Streets at this time o'night? And who are you, Madam, that seem to be at the Head of this noble Crew?
Sir John.Sirrah, I amBonduca, Queen of theWelchmen; and with a Leek as long as my Pedigree, I will destroy yourRomanLegion in an Instant—Britons, strike home.
[They fight off.Watch.return with SirJohn.
Watch.So! We have got the Queen, however! We'll make her pay well for her Ransom—Come, Madam, will your Majesty please to walk before the Constable?
Sir John.The Constable's a Rascal! And you are a Son of a Whore!
Watch.A most noble Reply, truly! If this be her royal Style, I'll warrant her Maids of Honour prattle prettily: But we'll teach you some of our Court Dialect before we part with you, Princess—Away with her to the Round-house.
Sir John.Hands off, you Ruffians! My Honour's dearer to me than my Life; I hope you won't be uncivil.
Watch.Away with her.
[Exeunt.
Enter Constable and Watchmen, with SirJohn.
Constab.Come, forsooth, come along, if you please! I once in Compassion thought to have seen you safe home this Morning: But you have been so rampant and abusive all Night, I shall see what the Justice of Peace will say to you.
Sir John.And you shall see what I'll say to the Justice of Peace.
[Watchmanknocks at the Door.
Enter Servant.
Constab.Is Mr. Justice at home?
Serv.Yes.
Constab.Pray acquaint his Worship we have got an unruly Woman here, and desire to know what he'll please to have done with her.
Serv.I'll acquaint my Master.
[Exit Serv.
Sir John.Hark you, Constable, what cuckoldly Justice is this?
Const.One that knows how to deal with such Romps as you are, I'll warrant you.
Enter Justice.
Just.Well, Mr. Constable, what is the matter there?
Const.An't please your Worship, this here comical sort of a Gentlewoman has committed great Outrages to-night. She has been frolicking with my LordRakeand his Gang; they attacked the Watch, and I hear there has been a Man kill'd: I believe 'tis they have done it.
Sir John.Sir, there may have been Murder, for aught I know; and 'tis a great Mercy there has not been a Rape too—that Fellow wou'd have ravish'd me.
2d Watch.Ravish! Ravish! O lud! O lud! O lud! Ravish her! Why, please your Worship, I heard Mr. Constable say he believed she was little better than a Maphrodite.
Just.Why, truly, she does seem a little masculine about the Mouth.
2d Watch.Yes, and about the Hands too, an't please your Worship; I did but offer in mere civility to help her up the Steps into our Apartment, and with her gripen Fist—ay, just so, Sir.
[SirJohnknocks him down.
Sir John.I fell'd him to the Ground like an Ox.
Just.Out upon this boisterous Woman! Out upon her.
Sir John.Mr. Justice, he wou'd have been uncivil! It was in Defence of my Honour, and I demand Satisfaction.
2d Watch.I hope your Worship will satisfy her Honour in Bridewell; that Fist of hers will make an admirable Hemp-beater.
Sir John.Sir, I hope you will protect me against that libidinous Rascal; I am a Woman of Quality and Virtue too, for all I am in an Undress this Morning.
Just.Why, she has really the Air of a Sort of a Woman a little something out of the common——Madam, if you expect I shou'd be favourable to you, I desire I may know who you are.
Sir John.Sir, I am any body, at your Service.
Just.Lady, I desire to know your Name?
Sir John.Sir, my Name'sMary.
Just.Ay, but your Sur-name, Madam?
Sir John.Sir, my Sur-name's the very same with my Husband's.
Just.A strange Woman this! Who is your Husband, pray?
Sir John.SirJohn.
Just.SirJohnwho?
Sir John.SirJohn Brute.
Just.Is it possible, Madam, you can be my LadyBrute?
Sir John.That happy Woman, Sir, am I; only a little in my Merriment to-night.
Just.I am concern'd for SirJohn.
Sir John.Truly, so am I.
Just.I have heard he's an honest Gentleman——
Sir John.As ever drank.
Just.Good lack! Indeed, Lady, I'm sorry he has such a Wife.
Sir John.I am sorry he has any Wife at all.
Just.And so perhaps may he——I doubt you have not given him a very good Taste of Matrimony.
Sir John.Taste, Sir! Sir, I have scorn'd to stint him to a Taste, I have given him a full Meal of it.
Just.Indeed I believe so! But pray, fair Lady, mayhe have given you any Occasion for this extraordinary Conduct?—Does he not use you well?
Sir John.A little upon the rough sometimes.
Just.Ay, any Man may be out of Humour now and then.
Sir John.Sir, I love Peace and Quiet, and when a Woman don't find that at home, she's apt sometimes to comfort herself with a few innocent Diversions abroad.
Just.I doubt he uses you but too well. Pray how does he as to that weighty thing, Money? Does he allow you what is proper of that?
Sir John.Sir, I have generally enough to pay the reckoning, if this Son of a Whore of a Drawer wou'd but bring his Bill.
Just.A strange Woman this—Does he spend a reasonable Portion of his time at home, to the Comfort of his Wife and Children?
Sir John.He never gave his Wife cause to repine at his being abroad in his Life.
Just.Pray, Madam, how may he be in the grand matrimonial Point——Is he true to your Bed?
Sir John.Chaste! Oons! This Fellow asks so many impertinent Questions! I'gad, I believe it is the Justice's Wife in the Justice's Clothes.
Just.'Tis a great pity he should have been thus disposed of—Pray, Madam, (and then I've done) what may be your Ladyship's common Method of Life, if I may presume so far?
Sir John.Why, Sir, much that of a Woman of Quality.
Just.Pray how may you generally pass your time, Madam? Your Morning, for example.
Sir John.Sir, like a Woman of Quality——I wake about two o'Clock in the Afternoon——I stretch—and make a sign for my Chocolate——When I have drank three Cups—I slide down again upon my Back, with my Arms over my Head, while my two Maids put on my Stockings——Then hanging upon their Shoulders, I am trail'd to my great Chair, where I sit——and yawn——for my Breakfast——If it don't come presently, Ilie down upon my Couch to say my Prayers, while my Maid reads me the Play-bills.
Just.Very well, Madam.
Sir John.When the Tea is brought in, I drink twelve regular Dishes, with eight Slices of Bread and Butter——And half an Hour after, I send to the Cook to know if the Dinner is almost ready.
Just.So! Madam!
Sir John.By that time my Head is half drest, I hear my Husband swearing himself into a State of Perdition, that the Meat's all cold upon the Table; to amend which, I come down in an Hour more, and have it sent back to the Kitchen, to be all drest over again.
Just.Poor Man!
Sir John.When I have din'd, and my idle Servants are presumptuously set down at their Ease, to do so too, I call for my Coach, to go visit fifty dear Friends, of whom I hope I shall never find one at home, while I shall live.
Just.So! There's the Morning and Afternoon pretty well dispos'd of—Pray, Madam, how do you pass your Evenings?
Sir John.Like a Woman of Spirit, Sir, a great Spirit. Give me a Box and Dice—Seven's the main, Oons! Sir, I set you a hundred Pound! Why, do you think Women are married now-a-Days, to sit at home and mend Napkins? Sir, we have nobler ways of passing time.
Just.Mercy upon us, Mr. Constable, what will this Age come to?
Constab.What will it come to, indeed, if such Women as these are not set in the Stocks?
Sir John.Sir, I have a little urgent Business calls upon me; and therefore I desire the Favour of you to bring Matters to a Conclusion.
Just.Madam, if I were sure that Business were not to commit more Disorders, I wou'd release you.
Sir John.None——by my virtue.
Just.Then, Mr. Constable, you may discharge her.
Sir John.Sir, your very humble Servant. If you please to accept of a Bottle——
Just.I thank you, kindly, Madam; but I never drink in a Morning. Good by t'ye.
Sir John.Good-by-t'ye, good Sir.
[Exit Justice.
So——now, Mr. Constable, shall you and I go pick up a Whore together?
Constab.No, thank you, Madam; my Wife's enough to satisfy any reasonable Man.
Sir John.[Aside.] He, he, he, he, he——the Fool is married, then. Well, you won't go?
Constab.Not I, truly.
Sir John.Then I'll go by myself; and you and your Wife may be damn'd.
[Exit SirJohn.
Constable.gazing after her.] Why, God-a-mercy, Lady.
[Exeunt.