Enter LadyFancyfullandMadamoiselle.
Lady Fan.Well,Madamoiselle, did you dog the filthy Things?
Madam.O que ouy, Madame.
Lady Fan.And where are they?
Madam.Au Logis.
Lady Fan.What, Men and all?
Madam.Tous ensemble.
Lady Fan.O Confidence! What, carry their Fellows to their own House?
Madam.C'est que le Mari n'y est pas.
Lady Fan.No; so I believe, truly. But he shall be there, and quickly too, if I can find him out. Well, 'tis a prodigious thing, to see when Men and Women get together, how they fortify one another in their Impudence. But if that drunken Fool, her Husband, he to be found in e'er a Tavern in Town, I'll send him amongst 'em: I'll spoil their sport.
Madam.En verité, Madame, ce seroit domage.
Lady Fan.'Tis in vain to oppose it,Madamoiselle; therefore never go about it. For I am the steadiest Creature in the World—when I have determin'd to do Mischief. So, come along.
[Exeunt.
EnterConstant,Heartfree, LadyBrute,Belinda, andLovewell.
Lady Brute.But are you sure you don't mistake,Lovewell?
Lov.Madam, I saw 'em all go into the Tavern together, and my Master was so drunk he cou'd scarce stand.
Lady Brute.Then, Gentlemen, I believe we may venture to let you stay, and play at Cards with us, an Hour or two: For they'll scarce part till Morning.
Bel.I think 'tis pity they should ever part.
Const.The Company that's here, Madam.
Lady Brute.Then, Sir, the Company that's here must remember to part itself in time.
Const.Madam, we don't intend to forfeit your future Favours by an indiscreet Usage of this. The Moment you give us the Signal, we shan't fail to make our Retreat.
Lady Brute.Upon those Conditions, then, let us sit down to Cards.
EnterLovewell.
Lov.O Lord, Madam, here's my Master just staggering in upon you; he has been quarrelsome yonder, and they have kick'd him out of the Company.
Lady Brute.Into the Closet, Gentlemen, for Heaven's sake; I'll wheedle him to Bed, if possible.
[Const.andHeart.run into the Closet.
Enter SirJohn, all dirt and bloody.
Lady Brute.Ah——Ah——he's all over Blood!
Sir John.What the plague does the Woman—squall for? Did you never see a Man in Pickle before?
Lady Brute.Lord, where have you been?
Sir John.I have been at——Cuffs.
Lady Brute.I fear that is not all. I hope you are not wounded.
Sir John.Sound as a Roach, Wife.
Lady Brute.I'm mighty glad to hear it.
Sir John.You know—I think you lye.
Lady Brute.You do me wrong to think so. For Heaven's my Witness; I had rather see my own Blood trickle down, than yours.
Sir John.Then will I be crucify'd.
Lady Brute.'Tis a hard Fate, I shou'd not be believ'd.
Sir John.'Tis a damn'd Atheistical Age, Wife.
Lady Brute.I am sure I have given you a thousand tender Proofs, how great my Care is of you. But, spite of all your cruel Thoughts, I'll still persist, and at this Moment, if I can, persuade you to lie down and sleep a little.
Sir John.Why—do you think I am drunk—you Slut, you?
Lady Brute.Heaven forbid I shou'd! But I'm afraid you are feverish. Pray let me feel your Pulse.
Sir John.Stand off, and be damn'd.
Lady Brute.Why, I see your Distemper in your very Eyes. You are all on Fire. Pray, go to Bed; let me intreat you.
Sir John.——Come, kiss me, then.
Lady Brute.[Kissing him.] There: Now go. [Aside.] He stinks like Poison.
Sir John.I see it goes damnably against your Stomach—And therefore—Kiss me again.
Lady Brute.Nay, now you fool me.
Sir John.Do't, I say.
Lady Brute.[Aside.] Ah, Lord have mercy upon me! Well—there: now will you go?
Sir John.Now, Wife, you shall see my Gratitude. You gave me two Kisses—I'll give you—two hundred.
[Kisses, and tumbles her.
Lady Brute.O Lord! Pray, Sir John, be quiet. Heavens, what a Pickle am I in!
Bel.[Aside.] If I were in her Pickle, I'd call my Gallant out of the Closet, and he shou'd cudgel him soundly.
Sir John.So, now you being as dirty and as nasty asmyself, we may go pig together. But first I must have a Cup of your cold Tea, Wife.
[Going to the Closet.
Lady Brute.O I'm ruin'd! There's none there, my Dear.
Sir John.I'll warrant you I'll find some, my Dear.
Lady Brute.You can't open the Door, the Lock's spoil'd; I have been turning and turning the Key this half Hour to no purpose. I'll send for the Smith to-morrow.
Sir John.There's ne'er a Smith inEuropecan open a Door with more Expedition than I can do——As for Example—Poh! [He bursts open the Door with his Foot.]——How now! What the Devil have we got here?——Constant——Heartfree——And two Whores again, I'gad——This is the worst cold Tea——that ever I met with in my Life——
EnterConstantandHeartfree.
Lady Brute.[Aside.] O Lord, what will become of us?
Sir John.Gentlemen——I am your very humble Servant—I give you many Thanks——I see you take Care of my Family——I shall do all I can to return the Obligation.
Const.Sir, how oddly soever this Business may appear to you, you would have no cause to be uneasy, if you knew the Truth of all things; your Lady is the most virtuous Woman in the World, and nothing has past but an innocent Frolick.
Heart.Nothing else, upon my Honour, Sir.
Sir John.You are both very civil Gentlemen—And my Wife, there, is a very civil Gentlewoman; therefore I don't doubt but many civil things have past between you. Your very humble Servant.
Lady Brute.[Aside toConst.] Pray be gone: He's so drunk he can't hurt us to-night, and to-morrow Morning you shall hear from us.
Const.I'll obey you, Madam. Sir, when you are cool, you'll understand Reason better. So then I shall take the pains to inform you. If not——I wear a Sword, Sir, and so good by t'ye. Come along,Heartfree.
[Exit.
Sir John.Wear a Sword, Sir—And what of all that, Sir? He comes to my House; eats my Meat; lies with my Wife; dishonours my Family; gets a Bastard to inherit my Estate——And when I ask a civil Account of all this—Sir, says he, I wear a Sword—Wear a Sword, Sir? Yes, Sir, says he, I wear a Sword——It may be a good Answer at Cross-purposes; but 'tis a damn'd one to a Man in my whimsical Circumstance——Sir, says he, I wear a Sword! [To LadyBrute.] And what do you wear now? ha! tell me. [Sitting down in a great Chair.] What, you are modest, and can't—Why, then, I'll tell you, you Slut, you. You wear——an impudent, lewd Face——A damn'd designing Heart——And a Tail——and a Tail full of——[He falls fast asleep, snoaring.]
Lady Brute.So; thanks to kind Heaven, he's fast for some Hours.
Bel.'Tis well he is so, that we may have time to lay our Story handsomely; for we must lye like the Devil, to bring ourselves off.
Lady Brute.What shall we say,Belinda?
Bel.[Musing.]——I'll tell you: It must all light uponHeartfreeand I. We'll say he has courted me some time, but, for Reasons unknown to us, has ever been very earnest the thing might be kept from SirJohn. That therefore hearing him upon the Stairs, he ran into the Closet, tho' against our Will, andConstantwith him, to prevent Jealousy. And to give this a good impudent Face of Truth, (that I may deliver you from the trouble you are in) I'll e'en, if he pleases, marry him.
Lady Brute.I'm beholden to you, Cousin; but that wou'd be carrying the Jest a little too far for your own sake: You know he's a younger Brother, and has nothing.
Bel.'Tis true: But I like him, and have Fortune enough to keep above Extremity: I can't say I would live with him in a Cell, upon Love and Bread and Butter: But I had rather have the Man I love, and a middle State of Life, than that Gentleman in the Chair there, and twice your Ladyship's Splendour.
Lady Brute.In truth, Niece, you are in the right on't;for I am very uneasy with my Ambition. But, perhaps, had I married as you'll do, I might have been as ill us'd.
Bel.Some Risk, I do confess, there always is: But if a Man has the least Spark either of Honour or Good-nature, he can never use a Woman ill, that loves him, and makes his Fortune both. Yet I must own to you, some little struggling I still have with this teazing Ambition of ours; for Pride, you know, is as natural to a Woman, as 'tis to a Saint. I can't help being fond of this Rogue; and yet it goes to my Heart, to think I must never whisk toHyde-Parkwith above a Pair of Horses; have no Coronet upon my Coach, nor a Page to carry up my Train. But above all—that Business of Place—Well, taking place is a noble Prerogative—
Lady Brute.Especially after a Quarrel—
Bel.Or of a Rival. But pray say no more on't, for fear I change my Mind; for, o' my Conscience, wer't not for your Affair in the Balance, I should go near to pick up some odious Man of Quality yet, and only take poorHeartfreefor a Gallant.
Lady Brute.Then him you must have, however things go?
Bel.Yes.
Lady Brute.Why, we may pretend what we will: but 'tis a hard matter to live without the Man we love.
Bel.Especially when we are married to the Man we hate. Pray tell me: Do the Men of the Town ever believe us virtuous, when they see us do so?
Lady Brute.O, no: Nor indeed, hardly, let us do what we will. The most of them think, there is no such thing as Virtue, consider'd in the strictest Notions of it; and therefore when you hear 'em say, such a one is a Woman of Reputation, they only mean she's a Woman of Discretion. For they consider we have no more Religion than they have, nor so much Morality; and between you and I,Belinda, I'm afraid the want of Inclination seldom protects any of us.
Bel.But what think you of the Fear of being found out?
Lady Brute.I think That never kept any Woman virtuous long. We are not such Cowards, neither. No: Let us once pass Fifteen, and we have too good an Opinion of our own Cunning, to believe the World can penetrate into what we would keep a Secret. And so, in short, we cannot reasonably blame the Men for judging of us by themselves.
Bel.But sure we are not so wicked as they are, after all?
Lady Brute.We are as wicked, Child, but our Vice lies another way: Men have more Courage than we, so they commit more bold, impudent Sins. They quarrel, fight, swear, drink, blaspheme, and the like: Whereas we, being Cowards, only backbite, tell Lyes, cheat at Cards, and so forth. But 'tis late: Let's end our Discourse for to-night, and, out of an excess of Charity, take a small Care of that nasty, drunken Thing there——Do but look at him,Belinda!
Bel.Ah——'tis a savoury Dish.
Lady Brute.As savoury as 'tis, I'm cloy'd with't. Pr'ythee call the Butler to take it away.
Bel.Call the Butler!—--Call the Scavenger! [To a Servant within.] Who's there? CallRasor! Let him take away his Master, scour him clean with a little Sope and Sand, and so put him to Bed.
Lady Brute.Come,Belinda, I'll e'en lie with you to-night; and in the Morning we'll send for our Gentlemen to set this Matter even.
Bel.With all my Heart.
Lady Brute.Good Night, my Dear.
[Making a low Curtsy to SirJohn.
[Both.] Ha, ha, ha!
[Exeunt.
EnterRasor.
Rasor.My Lady there's a Wag—My Master there's a Cuckold. Marriage is a slippery thing—Women have depraved Appetites.—My Lady's a Wag; I have heard all; I have seen all; I understand all; and I'll tell all; for my littleFrench-womanloves News dearly. This Story'll gain her Heart, or nothing will. [To his Master.] Come, Sir, your Head's too full of Fumes at present, to make room for your Jealousy; but I reckon we shallhave rare work with you, when your Pate's empty. Come to your Kennel, you cuckoldly, drunken Sot, you!
[Carries him out upon his Back.
Enter LadyFancyfullandMadamoiselle.
Lady Fan.But, why did not you tell me before,Madamoiselle, thatRasorand you were fond?
Madam.De Modesty hinder me, Matam.
Lady Fan.Why, truly, Modesty does often hinder us from doing things we have an extravagant mind to. But does he love you well enough yet, to do any thing you bid him? Do you think, to oblige you, he wou'd speak Scandal?
Madam.Matam, to oblige your Ladyship, he shall speak Blasphemy.
Lady Fan.Why, then,Madamoiselle, I'll tell you what you shall do. You shall engage him to tell his Master all that past atSpring Garden: I have a mind he shou'd know what a Wife and a Niece he has got.
Madam.Il le fera, Madame.
Enter a Footman, who speaks toMadamoiselleapart.
Foot.Madamoiselle, yonder's Mr.Rasordesires to speak with you.
Madam.Tell him, I come presently. [Exit Footman.]Rasorbe dare, Matam.
Lady Fan.That's fortunate. Well, I'll leave you together. And if you find him stubborn,Madamoiselle—hark you—don't refuse him a few little reasonable Liberties to put him into Humour.
Madam.Laissez moy faire.
[ExitLadyFancyfull.
[Rasorpeeps in; and seeing LadyFancyfullgone, runs toMadamoiselle, takes her about the Neck, and kisses her.
Madam.How now, Confidence?
Rasor.How now, Modesty!
Madam.Who make you so familiar, Sirrah?
Rasor.My Impudence, Hussy.
Madam.Stand off, Rogue-Face.
Rasor.Ah——Madamoiselle——great News at our House.
Madam.Why, vat be de matter?
Rasor.The Matter?—Why, Uptails All's the Matter.
Madam.Tu te mocque de moy.
Rasor.Now do you long to know the Particulars: The Time when—The Place where—The Manner how. But I don't tell you a Word more.
Madam.Nay, den dou kill me,Rasor.
Rasor.Come, kiss me, then.
[Clapping his Hands behind him.
Madam.Nay, pridee tell me.
Rasor.Good by t' ye.
[Going.
Madam.Hold, hold: I will kiss dee.
[Kissing him.
Rasor.So, that's civil: Why, now, my pretty Poll, my Goldfinch, my little Waterwagtail——you must know, that——Come, kiss me again.
Madam.I won't kiss de no more.
Rasor.Good by t' ye.
[Going.
Madam.Doucement!Derre: es tu content?
[Kissing him.
Rasor.So: Now I'll tell thee all. Why, the News is, That Cuckoldom in Folio is newly printed; and Matrimony in Quarto is just going into the Press. Will you buy any Books,Madamoiselle?
Madam.Tu parle comme un Libraire; de Devil no understand dee.
Rasor.Why, then, that I may make myself intelligible to a Waiting-Woman, I'll speak like a Valet de Chambre. My Lady has cuckolded my Master.
Madam.Bon.
Rasor.Which we take very ill from her Hands, I can tell her that. We can't yet prove Matter of Fact upon her.
Madam.N'importe.
Rasor.But we can prove, that Matter of Fact had like to have been upon her.
Madam.Ouy da.
Rasor.For we have such bloody Circumstances—
Madam. Sans doute.
Rasor.That any Man of Parts may draw tickling Conclusions from 'em.
Madam.Fort bien.
Rasor.We found a couple of tight, well-built Gentlemen stufft into her Ladyship's Closet.
Madam.Le Diable!
Rasor.And I, in my particular Person, have discovered a most damnable Plot, how to persuade my poor Master, that all this Hide and Seek, thisWillin theWhisp, has no other meaning than a Christian Marriage for sweet Mrs.Belinda.
Madam.Une Mariage?——Ah les Droles!
Rasor.Don't you interrupt me, Hussy; 'tis agreed, I say. And my innocent Lady, to wriggle herself out at the Back-door of the Business, turns Marriage-Bawd to her Niece, and resolves to deliver up her fair Body to be tumbled and mumbled by that young liquorish Whipster,Heartfree. Now are you satisfy'd?
Madam.No.
Rasor.Right Woman; always gaping for more.
Madam.Dis be all, den, dat dou know?
Rasor.All? Aye, and a great deal, too, I think.
Madam.Dou be Fool, dou know noting.Ecoute, mon pauvreRasor. Dou sees des two Eyes?—Des two Eyes have see de Devil.
Rasor.The Woman's mad.
Madam.InSpring-Garden, dat RogueConstantmeet dy Lady.
Rasor.Bon.
Madam.——I'll tell dee no more.
Rasor.Nay, pr'ythee, my Swan.
Madam.Come, kiss me den.
[Clapping her Hands behind her as he did before.
Rasor.I won't kiss you, not I.
Madam.Adieu.
[Going.
Rasor.Hold——Now proceed.
[Gives her a hearty Kiss.
Madam.A ça——I hide myself in one cunning Place, where I hear all, and see all. First, dy drunken Master comemal a propos; but de Sot no know his own dear Wife, so he leave her to her Sport—Den de Game begin. De Lover say soft ting: De Lady look upon de Ground. [As she speaks,Rasorstill acts the Man, and she the Woman.] He take her by de Hand: She turn her Head on oder Way. Den he squeeze very hard: Den she pull——very softly. Den he take her in his Arm: Den she give him leetel pat. Den he kiss her Tettons. Den she say—Pish, nay see. Den he tremble: Den she—sigh. Den he pull her into de Arbour: Den she pinch him.
Rasor.Aye, but not so hard, you Baggage, you.
Madam.Den he grow bold: She grow weak, he tro her down,il tombe dessu, le Diable assiste, il emport tout. [Rasorstruggles with her, as if he would throw her down.] Stand off, Sirrah!
Rasor.You have set me a-fire, you Jade, you.
Madam.Den go to de River, and quench dy self.
Rasor.What an unnatural Harlot 'tis!
Madam.Rasor.
[Looking languishingly on him.
Rasor.Madamoiselle.
Madam.Dou no love me.
Rasor.Not love thee?—More than aFrenchmandoes Soup.
Madam.Den dou will refuse nothing dat I bid dee?
Rasor.Don't bid me be damn'd, then.
Madam.No, only tell dy Master all I have tell dee of dy Laty.
Rasor.Why, you little, malicious Strumpet, you, shou'd you like to be serv'd so?
Madam.Dou dispute den?—Adieu.
Rasor.Hold—But why wilt thou make me such a Rogue, my Dear?
Madam.Voila un vrai Anglois! Il est amoureux, et cependant il veut raisonner. Va t'en au Diable.
Rasor.Hold once more: In hopes thou'lt give me up thy Body, I resign thee my Soul.
Madam.Bon, ecoute donc;——If dou fail me——I never see de more——If dou obey me——Je m'abandonne a toy.[She takes him about the Neck, and gives him a smacking Kiss.]
[ExitMadamoiselle.
Rasor.[Licking his Lips.] Not be a Rogue?——Amor vincit Omnia.
[ExitRasor.
Enter LadyFancyfullandMadamoiselle.
Lady Fan.Marry, say ye? Will the two Things marry?
Madam.On le va faire, Madame.
Lady Fan.Look you,Madamoiselle—In short, I can't bear it——No; I find I can't—If once I see 'em a-bed together, I shall have ten thousand Thoughts in my Head will make me run distracted. Therefore run and callRasorback immediately; for something must be done to stop this impertinent Wedding. If I can but defer it four-and-twenty Hours, I'll make such Work about Town, with that little pert Slut's Reputation, he shall as soon marry a Witch.
Madam. [Aside.]La voilà bien intentionnée.
[Exeunt.
EnterConstantandHeartfree.
Const.But what dost think will become of this Business?
Heart.'Tis easier to think what will not come on't.
Const.What's that?
Heart.A Challenge. I know the Knight too well for that; his dear Body will always prevail upon his noble Soul to be quiet.
Const.But tho' he dare not challenge me, perhaps he may venture to challenge his Wife.
Heart.Not if you whisper him in the Ear, you won't have him do't; and there's no other way left, that I see. For as drunk as he was, he'll remember you and I were where we shou'd not be; and I don't think him quite Blockhead enough yet to be persuaded we were got into his Wife's Closet only to peep into her Prayer-Book.
Enter a Servant with a Letter.
Serv.Sir, here's a Letter; a Porter brought it.
Const.O ho, here's Instructions for us.
Reads:
The Accident that has happen'd has touch'd our Invention to the quick. We wou'd fain come off, without your help; but find that's impossible. In a Word, the whole Business must be thrown upon a Matrimonial Intrigue between your Friend and mine. But if the Parties are not fond enough to go quite through with the matter, 'tis sufficient for our Turn, they own the Design. We'll find Pretences enough to break the Match.Adieu.
The Accident that has happen'd has touch'd our Invention to the quick. We wou'd fain come off, without your help; but find that's impossible. In a Word, the whole Business must be thrown upon a Matrimonial Intrigue between your Friend and mine. But if the Parties are not fond enough to go quite through with the matter, 'tis sufficient for our Turn, they own the Design. We'll find Pretences enough to break the Match.
Adieu.
----Well, Woman for Invention! How long wou'd my Block-Head have been producing this!—--Hey,Heartfree? What, musing, Man? Pr'ythee be chearful. What say'st thou, Friend, to this matrimonial Remedy?
Heart.Why, I say, 'tis worse than the Disease.
Const.Here's a Fellow for you! There's Beauty and Money on her Side, and Love up to the Ears on his: and yet——
Heart.And yet, I think, I may reasonably be allow'd to boggle at marrying the Niece, in the very Moment that you are debauching the Aunt.
Const.Why, truly, there may be something in that. But have not you a good Opinion enough of your own Parts, to believe you cou'd keep a Wife to yourself?
Heart.I shou'd have, if I had a good Opinion enough of her's, to believe she cou'd do as much by me. For to do 'em right, after all, the Wife seldom rambles, till the Husband shews her the way.
Const.'Tis true, a Man of real Worth scarce ever is a Cuckold, but by his own Fault. Women are not naturally lewd; there must be something to urge 'em to it. They'll cuckold a Churl, out of Revenge; a Fool, because they despise him; a Beast, because they loath him. But when they make bold with a Man they once had a well-grounded Value for, 'tis because they first see themselves neglected by him.
Heart.Nay, were I well assured that I should never grow SirJohn, I ne'er shou'd fearBelinda, wou'd play my Lady. But our Weakness, thou knowest, my Friend, consists in that very Change we so impudently throw upon (indeed) a steadier and more generous Sex.
Const.Why, 'faith, we are a little impudent in that matter, that's the truth on't. But this is wonderful, to see you grown so warm an Advocate for those whom (but t'other Day) you took so much Pains to abuse.
Heart.All Revolutions run into Extremes; the Bigot makes the boldest Atheist; and the coyest Saint, the most extravagant Strumpet. But, pr'ythee, advise me in this Good and Evil, this Life and Death, this Blessing and Cursing, that's set before me. Shall I marry, or die a Maid?
Const.Why, 'faith,Heartfree, Matrimony is like an Army going to engage. Love's the forlorn Hope, which is soon cut off; the Marriage-Knot is the main Body, which may stand buff a long, long time; and Repentance is the Rear-Guard, which rarely gives ground as long as the main Body has a Being.
Heart.Conclusion, then; you advise me to whore on, as you do.
Const.That's not concluded yet. For tho' Marriage be a Lottery, in which there are a wondrous many Blanks; yet there is one inestimable Lot, in which the only Heaven on Earth is written. Wou'd your kind Fate but guide your Hand to that, tho' I were wrapt in all that Luxury itself could clothe me with, I still shou'd envy you.
Heart.And justly, too; for to be capable of loving one, doubtless, is better than to possess a thousand. But how far that Capacity's in me, alas! I know not.
Const.But you wou'd know.
Heart.I wou'd so.
Const.Matrimony will inform you. Come, one Flight of Resolution carries you to the Land of Experience; where, in a very moderate time, you'll know the Capacity of your Soul and your Body both, or I'm mistaken.
[Exeunt.
Enter LadyBruteandBelinda.
Bel.Well, Madam, what Answer have you from 'em?
Lady Brute.That they'll be here this Moment. I fancy 'twill end in a Wedding: I'm sure he's a Fool if it don't. Ten thousand Pounds, and such a Lass as you are, is no contemptible Offer to a younger Brother. But are not you under strange Agitations? Pr'ythee, how does your Pulse beat?
Bel.High and low, I have much ado to be valiant: sure it must feel very strange to go to Bed to a Man?
Lady Brute.Um——it does feel a little odd at first; but it will soon grow easy to you.
EnterConstantandHeartfree.
Lady Brute.Good-morrow, Gentlemen: How have you slept after your Adventure?
Heart.Some careful Thoughts, Ladies, on your accounts, have kept us waking.
Bel.And some careful Thoughts on your own, I believe, have hindered you from sleeping. Pray how does this matrimonial Project relish with you?
Heart.Why, 'faith, e'en as storming Towns does with Soldiers, where the Hope of delicious Plunder banishes the Fear of being knock'd on the Head.
Bel.Is it then possible, after all, that you dare think of downright lawful Wedlock?
Heart.Madam, you have made me so fool-hardy, I dare do any thing.
Bel.Then, Sir, I challenge you; and Matrimony's the Spot where I expect you.
Heart.'Tis enough; I'll not fail. [Aside.] So, now, I am in forHobbes's Voyage; a great Leap in the Dark.
Lady Brute.Well, Gentlemen, this Matter being concluded then, have you got your Lessons ready? for SirJohnis grown such an Atheist of late, he'll believe nothing upon easy Terms.
Const.We'll find ways to extend his Faith, Madam. But pray how do you find him this Morning?
Lady Brute.Most lamentably morose, chewing the Cud after last Night's Discovery, of which, however, he had but a confus'd Notion e'en now. But I'm afraid the Valet de Chambre has told him all; for they are very busy together at this Moment. When I told him ofBelinda's Marriage, I had no other Answer but a Grunt: From which, you may draw what Conclusions you think fit. But to your Notes, Gentlemen, he's here.
Enter SirJohnandRasor.
Const.Good-morrow, Sir.
Heart.Good-morrow, SirJohn; I'm very sorry my Indiscretion shou'd cause so much Disorder in your Family.
Sir John.Disorders generally come from Indiscretion, Sir; 'tis no strange thing at all.
Lady Brute.I hope, my Dear, you are satisfied there was no wrong intended you.
Sir John.None, my Dove.
Bel.If not, I hope my Consent to marry Mr.Heartfreewill convince you. For as little as I know of Amours, Sir, I can assure you, one Intrigue is enough to bring four People together, without further Mischief.
Sir John.And I know too, that Intrigues tend to Procreation of more kinds than one. One Intrigue will beget another, as soon as beget a Son or a Daughter.
Const.I am very sorry, Sir, to see you still seem unsatisfy'd with a Lady, whose more than common Virtue, I am sure were she my Wife, shou'd meet a better Usage.
Sir John.Sir, if her Conduct has put a Trick upon her Virtue, her Virtue's the Bubble, but her Husband's the Loser.
Const.Sir, you have receiv'd a sufficient Answer already, to justify both her Conduct and mine. You'll pardon me for meddling in your Family-affairs; but I perceive I am the Man you are jealous of, and therefore it concerns me.
Sir John.Wou'd it did not concern me, and then I shou'd not care who it concern'd.
Const.Well, Sir, if Truth and Reason won't content you, I know but one way more, which, if you think fit, you may take.
Sir John.Lord, Sir, you are very hasty! If I had been found at Prayers in your Wife's Closet, I should have allow'd you twice as much time to come to yourself in.
Const.Nay, Sir, if Time be all you want, we have no Quarrel.
Heart.I told you how the Sword wou'd work upon him.
[SirJohnmuses.
Const.Let him muse; however, I'll lay fifty Pound our Foreman brings us in, Not Guilty.
Sir John.[Aside.] 'Tis well——'tis very well——In spite of that young Jade's matrimonial Intrigue, I am a downright stinking Cuckold——Here they are——Boo——[Putting his hand to his Forehead.] Methinks, I could butt with a Bull. What the Plague did I marry her for? I knew she did not like me; if she had, she wou'd have lain with me; for I wou'd have done so, because I lik'd her; but that's past, and I have her. And now, what shall I do with her?——If I put my Horns into my Pocket, she'll grow insolent——if I don't, that Goat there, that Stallion, is ready to whip me thro' the Guts.—The Debate then is reduced to this: Shall I die a Hero, or live a Rascal?——Why, wiser Men than I have long since concluded, that a living Dog is better than a dead Lion.——[ToConst.andHeart.] Gentlemen, now my Wine and my Passion are governable, I must own, I have never observ'd any Thing in my Wife's Course of Life, to back me in my Jealousy of her: But Jealousy's a Mark of Love; so she need not trouble her Head about it, as long as I make no more Words on't.
LadyFancyfullenters disguis'd, and addresses toBelindaapart.
Const.I'm glad to see your Reason rule at last. Give me your Hand: I hope you'll look upon me as you are wont.
Sir John.Your humble Servant. [Aside.] A wheedling Son of a Whore!
Heart.And that I may be sure you are Friends with me, too, pray give me your Consent to wed your Niece.
Sir John.Sir, you have it with all my Heart: Damn me if you han't. [Aside.] 'Tis time to get rid of her: A young, pert Pimp; she'll make an incomparable Bawd in a little time.
Enter a Servant, who givesHeartfreea Letter.
Bel.Heartfreeyour Husband, say you? 'Tis impossible.
Lady Fan.Wou'd to kind Heaven it were! But 'tis too true; and in the World there lives not such a Wretch. I'm young; and either I have been flatter'd by my Friends, as well as Glass, or Nature has been kind and generous to me. I had a Fortune, too, was greater far than he could ever hope for; but with my Heart I am robb'd of all the rest. I am slighted and I'm beggar'd both at once: I have scarce a bare Subsistence from the Villain, yet dare complain to none; for he has sworn if e'er 'tis known I'm his Wife, he'll murder me.
[Weeping.
Bel.The Traitor!
Lady Fan.I accidentally was told he courted you: Charity soon prevail'd upon me to prevent your Misery: And, as you see, I'm still so generous even to him, as not to suffer he should do a thing for which the Law might take away his Life.
[Weeping.
Bel.Poor Creature! how I pity her!
[They continue talking aside.
Heart.[Aside.] Death and Damnation!—--Let me read it again. [Reads.]Tho' I have a particular reason not to let you know who I am till I see you; yet you'll easily believe 'tis a faithful Friend that gives you this Advice. I have lain withBelinda (Good!)—I have a Child by her(Better and better!)which is now at Nurse;(Heaven be prais'd)and I think the Foundation laid for another:(Ha!—Old Truepenny!)—No Rack cou'd have tortur'd this Story from me; but Friendship has done it. I heard of your Design to marry her, and cou'd not see you abus'd. Make use of my Advice, but keep my Secret till I ask you for't again. Adieu.
[Exit LadyFancyfull.
Const.[ToBel.] Come, Madam, shall we send for the Parson? I doubt here's no Business for the Lawyer: Younger Brothers have nothing to settle but their Hearts, and that I believe my Friend here has already done very faithfully.
Bel.[Scornfully.] Are you sure, Sir, there are no old Mortgages upon it?
Heart.[Coldly.] If you think there are, Madam, it mayn't be amiss to defer the Marriage till you are sure they are paid off.
Bel.[Aside.] How the gall'd Horse kicks!
[ToHeart.] We'll defer it as long as you please, Sir.
Heart.The more time we take to consider on't, Madam, the less apt we shall be to commit Oversights; therefore, if you please, we will put it off for just nine Months.
Bel.Guilty Consciences make Men Cowards; I don't wonder you want time to resolve.
Heart.And they make Women desperate; I don't wonder you are so quickly determin'd.
Bel.What does the Fellow mean?
Heart.What does the Lady mean?
Sir John.Zoons, what do you both mean?
[Heart.andBel.walk chasing about.
Rasor.[Aside.] Here is so much Sport going to be spoil'd, it makes me ready to weep again. A Pox o' this impertinent LadyFancyfull, and her Plots, and herFrench-womantoo; she's a whimsical, ill-natur'd Bitch, and when I have got my Bones broke in her Service, 'tis ten to one but my Recompence is a Clap; I hear them tittering without still. I'cod, I'll e'en go lug them both in by the Ears, and discover the Plot, to secure my Pardon.
[ExitRasor.
Const.Pr'ythee, explain,Heartfree.
Heart.A fair Deliverance; thank my Stars and my Friend.
Bel.'Tis well it went no farther; a base Fellow!
Lady Brute.What can be the meaning of all this?
Bel.What's his Meaning, I don't know; but mine is, that if I had married him——I had had no Husband.
Heart.And what's her Meaning I don't know; but mine is, that if I had married her—I had had Wife enough.
Sir John.Your People of Wit have got such cramp ways of expressing themselves, they seldom comprehend one another. Pox take you both, will you speak that you may be understood!
EnterRasorin Sackcloth, pulling inLady FancyfullandMadamoiselle.
Rasor.If they won't, here comes an Interpreter.
Lady Brute.Heavens! what have we here?
Rasor.A Villain——but a repenting Villain. Stuff which Saints in all Ages have been made of.
All.Rasor!
Lady Brute.What means this sudden Metamorphose?
Rasor.Nothing, without my Pardon.
Lady Brute.What Pardon do you want?
Rasor.Imprimis, Your Ladyship's; for a damnable Lie made upon your spotless Virtue, and set to the Tune ofSpring-Garden. [To SirJohn.] Next, at my generous Master's Feet I bend, for interrupting his more noble Thoughts with Phantoms of disgraceful Cuckoldom. [ToConst.] Thirdly, I to this Gentleman apply, for making him the Hero of my Romance. [ToHeart.] Fourthly, your Pardon, noble Sir, I ask, for clandestinely marrying you, without either bidding of Banns, Bishop's Licence, Friends Consent——or your own Knowledge. [ToBel.] And, lastly, to my good young Lady's Clemency I come, for pretending the Corn was sow'd in the Ground, before ever the Plough had been in the Field.
Sir John.[Aside.] So that, after all, 'tis a moot point, whether I am a Cuckold or not.
Bel.Well, Sir, upon Condition you confess all, I'll pardon you myself, and try to obtain as much from the rest of the Company. But I must know, then, who 'tis has put you upon all this Mischief?
Rasor.Satan, and his Equipage; Woman tempted me, Lust weakened me——and so the Devil over-came me; as fellAdam, so fell I.
Bel.Then pray, Mr.Adam, will you make us acquainted with yourEve?
Rasor.[ToMadam.] Unmask, for the Honour ofFrance.
All.Madamoiselle!
Madam.Me ask ten tousand Pardon of all de good Company.
Sir John.Why, this Mystery thickens, instead of clearing up. [ToRasor.] You Son of a Whore, you, put us out of our Pain.
Rasor.One Moment brings Sunshine. [ShewingMadam.] 'Tis true, this is the Woman that tempted me, but this is the Serpent that tempted the Woman; and if my Prayers might be heard, her Punishment for so doing shou'd be like the Serpent's of old—[Pulls off LadyFancyfull's Mask.] She should lie upon her Face all the Days of her Life.
All.LadyFancyfull!
Bel.Impertinent!
Lady Brute.Ridiculous!
All.Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
Bel.I hope your Ladyship will give me leave to wish you Joy, since you have own'd your Marriage yourself—[ToHeart.] I vow 'twas strangely wicked in you to think of another Wife, when you had one already so charming as her Ladyship.
All.Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
Lady Fan.[Aside.] Confusion seize 'em, as it seizes me!
Madam.Que le Diable e toute ce Mauraut deRasor.
Bel.Your Ladyship seems disorder'd: A breeding Qualm, perhaps, Mr.Heartfree: Your Bottle of Hungary Water to your Lady. Why, Madam, he stands as unconcern'd, as if he were your Husband in earnest.
Lady Fan.Your Mirth's as nauseous as yourself.Belinda, you think you triumph over a Rival now:Helas! ma pauvre fille.Where'er I'm Rival, there's no Cause for Mirth. No, my poor Wretch, 'tis from another Principle I have acted. I knew that Thing there wou'd make so perverse a Husband, and you so impertinent a Wife, that left your mutual Plagues should make you both run mad, I charitably would have broke the Match. He! he! he! he! he!
[Exit, laughing affectedly,Madamoisellefollowing her.
Madam.He! he! he! he! he!
All.Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
Sir John.[Aside.] Why, now, this Woman will be married to somebody, too.
Bel.Poor Creature! what a Passion she's in! But I forgive her.
Heart.Since you have so much Goodness for her, I hope you'll pardon my Offence, too, Madam.
Bel.There will be no great Difficulty in that, since I am guilty of an equal Fault.
Heart.Then Pardons being past on all sides, pray let's to Church to conclude the Day's Work.
Const.But before you go, let me treat you, pray, with a Song a new-married Lady made within this Week; it may be of use to you both.