For this isHoyden's Wedding-day;And therefore we keep Holy-day,And come to be merry.
For this isHoyden's Wedding-day;And therefore we keep Holy-day,And come to be merry.
Ha! there's my Wench, I'faith: Touch and take, I'll warrant her; she'll breed like a tame Rabbit.
Miss.[Aside.] I'cod, I think my Father's gotten drunk before Supper.
SirTun.[ToLov. andWor.] Gentlemen, you are welcome. [SalutingAman. andBer.] Ladies, by your leave. Ha——They bill like Turtles. Udsookers, they set my old Blood a-fire; I shall cuckold some body before Morning.
Lord Fop.[To SirTun.] Sir, you being Master of the Entertainment, will you desire the Company to sit?
SirTun.Oons, Sir,——I'm the happiest Man on this side theGanges.
Lord Fop.[Aside.] This is a mighty unaccountable old Fellow. [To SirTun.] I said, Sir, it wou'd be convenient to ask the Company to sit.
SirTun.Sit——with all my heart: Come, take your places, Ladies; take your places, Gentlemen: Come, sit down, sit down; a Pox of Ceremony, take your places.
[They sit, and the Mask begins.
Dialogue betweenCupidandHymen.
Cupid. 1.Thou Bane to my Empire, thou Spring of Contest,Thou Source of all Discord, thou Period to Rest;Instruct me what Wretches in Bondage can see,That the Aim of their Life is still pointed to thee.Hymen. 2.Instruct me, thou little impertinent God,From whence all thy Subjects have taken the ModeTo grow fond of a Change, to whatever it be,And I'll tell thee why those wou'd be bound, who are free.Chorus.For Change, we're for Change, to whatever it be,We are neither contented with Freedom nor Thee.Constancy's an empty Sound,Heaven, and Earth, and all go round,All the Works of Nature move,And the Joys of Life and LoveAre in Variety.Cupid. 3.Were Love the Reward of a pains-taking Life,Had a Husband the Art to be fond of his Wife;Were Virtue so plenty, a Wife cou'd afford,These very hard Times, to be true to her Lord;Some specious Account might be given of thoseWho are ty'd by the Tail, to be led by the Nose.4.But since 'tis the Fate of a Man and his Wife,To consume all their Days in Contention and Strife:Since whatever the Bounty of Heaven may create her,He's morally sure he shall heartily hate her;I think 'twere much wiser to ramble at large,And the Volleys of Love on the Herd to discharge.Hymen. 5.Some colour of Reason thy Counsel might bear,Cou'd a Man have no more than his Wife to his share;Or were I a Monarch so cruelly just,To oblige a poor Wife to be true to her Trust;But I have not pretended, for many Years past,By marrying of People, to make 'em grow chaste.6.I therefore advise thee to let me go on,Thou'd find I'm the Strength and Support of thy Throne;For hadst thou but Eyes, thou wouldst quickly perceive it,How smoothly the DartSlips into the HeartOf a Woman that's Wed;Whilst the shivering MaidStands trembling, and wishing, but dare not receive it.Chorus.For Change,&c.
Cupid. 1.
Thou Bane to my Empire, thou Spring of Contest,Thou Source of all Discord, thou Period to Rest;Instruct me what Wretches in Bondage can see,That the Aim of their Life is still pointed to thee.
Hymen. 2.
Instruct me, thou little impertinent God,From whence all thy Subjects have taken the ModeTo grow fond of a Change, to whatever it be,And I'll tell thee why those wou'd be bound, who are free.
Chorus.
For Change, we're for Change, to whatever it be,We are neither contented with Freedom nor Thee.Constancy's an empty Sound,Heaven, and Earth, and all go round,All the Works of Nature move,And the Joys of Life and LoveAre in Variety.
Cupid. 3.
Were Love the Reward of a pains-taking Life,Had a Husband the Art to be fond of his Wife;Were Virtue so plenty, a Wife cou'd afford,These very hard Times, to be true to her Lord;Some specious Account might be given of thoseWho are ty'd by the Tail, to be led by the Nose.
4.
But since 'tis the Fate of a Man and his Wife,To consume all their Days in Contention and Strife:Since whatever the Bounty of Heaven may create her,He's morally sure he shall heartily hate her;I think 'twere much wiser to ramble at large,And the Volleys of Love on the Herd to discharge.
Hymen. 5.
Some colour of Reason thy Counsel might bear,Cou'd a Man have no more than his Wife to his share;Or were I a Monarch so cruelly just,To oblige a poor Wife to be true to her Trust;But I have not pretended, for many Years past,By marrying of People, to make 'em grow chaste.
6.
I therefore advise thee to let me go on,Thou'd find I'm the Strength and Support of thy Throne;For hadst thou but Eyes, thou wouldst quickly perceive it,How smoothly the DartSlips into the HeartOf a Woman that's Wed;Whilst the shivering MaidStands trembling, and wishing, but dare not receive it.
Chorus.
For Change,&c.
The Mask ended, enterYoung Fash,Coupler, andBull.
SirTun.So, very fine, very fine, i'faith; this is something like a Wedding; now if Supper were but ready, I'd say a short Grace; and if I had such a Bedfellow asHoydento night——I'd say as short Prayers.
Seeing Young Fash.How now——what have we got here? A Ghost? Nay, it must be so; for his Flesh and Blood cou'd never have dar'd to appear before me. [To him.] Ah, Rogue——
Lord Fop.Stap my Vitals,Tamagain?
SirTun.My Lord, will you cut his Throat? Or shall I?
Lord Fop.Leave him to me, Sir, if you please. Pr'ythee,Tam, be so ingenuous now, as to tell me what thy Business is here?
Young Fash.'Tis with your Bride.
Lord Fop.Thau art the impudent'st Fellow that Nature has yet spawn'd into the Warld, strike me speechless.
Young Fash.Why you know my Modesty wou'd have starv'd me; I sent it a-begging to you, and you wou'd not give it a Groat.
Lord Fop.And dost thau expect by an excess of Assurance to extart a Maintenance fram me?
Young Fash.[Taking Miss by the Hand.] I do intend to extort your Mistress from you, and that I hope will prove one.
Lord Fop.I ever thaughtNewgateorBedlamwou'd be his Fartune, and naw his Fate's decided. Pr'ythee,Loveless, dost knaw of ever a Mad Doctor hard by?
Young Fash.There's one at your Elbow will cure you presently.
To Bull.Pr'ythee, Doctor, take him in hand quickly.
Lord Fop.Shall I beg the Favour of you, Sir, to pull your Fingers out of my Wife's Hand?
Young Fash.His Wife! Look you there; now I hope you are all satisfy'd he's mad.
Lord Fop.Naw is it not impassible far me to penetrate what Species of Fally it is thou art driving at?
Sir Tun.Here, here, here, let me beat out his Brains, and that will decide all.
Lord Fop.No, pray, Sir, hold, we'll destray him presently according to Law.
Young Fash.[ToBull.] Nay, then advance, Doctor: come, you are a Man of Conscience, answer boldly to the Questions I shall ask: Did not you marry me to this young Lady, before ever that Gentleman there saw her Face?
Bull.Since the Truth must out, I did.
Young Fash.Nurse, sweet Nurse, were not you a Witness to it?
Nurse.Since my Conscience bids me speak——I was.
Young Fash.[To Miss.] Madam, am not I your lawful Husband?
Miss.Truly I can't tell, but you married me first.
Young Fash.Now I hope you are all satisfy'd?
SirTun.[Offering to strike him, is held byLov. andWor.] Oons and Thunder, you lye.
Lord Fop.Pray, Sir, be calm, the Battle is in Disarder, but requires more Canduct than Courage to rally our Forces. Pray, Dactar, one word with you.
ToBull [Aside.] Look you, Sir, tho' I will not presume to calculate your Notions of Damnation, fram the Description you give us of Hell, yet since there is at least a passibility you may have a Pitchfark thrust in your Backside, methinks, it shou'd not be worth your while to risk your Saul in the next Warld, for the sake of a beggarly yaunger Brather, who is nat able to make your Bady happy in this.
Bull.Alas! my Lord, I have no worldly Ends; I speak the Truth, Heaven knows.
Lord Fop.Nay, pr'ythee, never engage Heaven in the matter; far, by all I can see, 'tis like to prove a Business for the Devil.
Young Fash.Come, pray, Sir, all above-board, no corrupting of Evidences; if you please, this young Lady is my lawful Wife, and I'll justify it in all the Courts ofEngland; so your Lordship (who always had a Passion for Variety) may go seek a new Mistress, if you think fit.
Lord Fop.I am struck dumb with his Impudence, and cannot passitively tell whether ever I shall speak again, or nat.
SirTun.Then let me come and examine the Business a little, I'll jerk the Truth out of 'em presently; here, give me my Dog-Whip.
Young Fash.Look you, old Gentleman, 'tis in vain to make a Noise; if you grow mutinous, I have some Friends within Call, have Swords by their Sides, above four Foot long; therefore be calm, hear the Evidence patiently, and when the Jury have given their Verdict, pass Sentence according to Law: Here's honestCouplershall be Foreman, and ask as many Questions as he pleases.
Coup.All I have to ask is, whether Nurse persists in her Evidence? The Parson, I dare swear, will never flinch from his.
Nurse.[To SirTun. kneeling.] I hope in Heaven your Worship will pardon me; I have served you long and faithfully, but in this thing I was over-reach'd; your Worship, however, was deceiv'd as, well as I; and if the Wedding-Dinner had been ready, you had put Madam to Bed with him with your own Hands.
SirTun.But how durst you do this, without acquainting of me?
Nurse.Alas! if your Worship had seen how the poor Thing begg'd, and pray'd, and clung, and twin'd about me, like Ivy to an old Wall, you wou'd say, I who had suckled it, and swaddled it, and nurst it both wet and dry, must have had a Heart of Adamant to refuse it.
SirTun.Very well.
Young Fash.Foreman, I expect your Verdict.
Coup.Ladies and Gentlemen, what's your Opinions?
All.A clear Case, a clear Case.
Coup.Then, my young Folks, I wish you Joy.
SirTun.[ToYoung Fash.] Come hither, Stripling; if it be true, then, that thou hast marry'd my Daughter, pr'ythee tell me who thou art?
Young Fash.Sir, the best of my Condition is, I am your Son-in-law; and the worst of it is, I am Brother to that Noble Peer there.
SirTun.Art thou Brother to that Noble Peer——Why then, that Noble Peer, and thee, and thy Wife, and the Nurse, and the Priest——may all go and be damn'd together.
[Exit SirTun.
Lord Fop.[Aside.] Naw, for my part, I think the wisest thing a Man can do with an aking Heart, is to put on a serene Countenance; for a Philosaphical Air is the most becoming thing in the Warld to the Face of a Person of Quality; I will therefore bear my Disgrace like a Great Man, and let the People see I am above an Affrant. [ToYoung Fash.] DearTam, since Things are thus fallen aut, pr'ythee give me leave to wish thee Jay. I do itde bon Cœur, strike me dumb: you have marry'd a Woman beautiful in her Person, charming in her Airs, prudent in her Canduct, canstant in her Inclinations, and of a nice Marality, split my Wind-pipe.
Young Fash.Your Lardship may keep up your Spirits with your Grimace, if you please; I shall support mine with this Lady, and two thousand Pound a-year.
Taking Miss.] Come, Madam:
We once again, you see, are Man and Wife,And now, perhaps, the Bargain's struck for Life:If I mistake, and we shou'd part again.At least you see you may have choice of Men:Nay, shou'd the War at length such Havock make,That Lovers shou'd grow scarce, yet for your sake,Kind Heaven always will preserve a Beau—
We once again, you see, are Man and Wife,And now, perhaps, the Bargain's struck for Life:If I mistake, and we shou'd part again.At least you see you may have choice of Men:Nay, shou'd the War at length such Havock make,That Lovers shou'd grow scarce, yet for your sake,Kind Heaven always will preserve a Beau—
Pointing toLord Fop.] You'll find his Lordship ready to come to.}}Lord Fop.Her Ladyship shall stap my Vitals, if I do. }