Enter Players.
Esop.Well, good People, who are all you?
Omnes.Sir, we are Players.
Esop.Players! What Players?
Play.Why, Sir, we are Stage-Players, that's our Calling: Tho' we play upon other Things too; some of us play upon the Fiddle; some play upon the Flute; we play upon one another; we play upon the Town; and we play upon the Patentees.
Esop.Patentees! Pr'ythee, what are they?
Play.Why, they are, Sir——Sir, they are——'Cod I don't know what they are——Fish or Flesh——Masters or Servants——Sometimes one——Sometimes t'other, I think——Just as we are in the Mood.
Esop.Why, I thought they had a lawful Authority over you.
Play.Lawful Authority, Sir!—--Sir, we are free-bornEnglishmen, we care not for Law nor Authority neither, when we are out of Humour.
Esop.But I think they pretended at least to an Authority over you; pray, upon what Foundation was it built?
Play.Upon a rotten one——if you'll believe us. Sir, I'll tell you what the Projectors did: They imbark'd twenty thousand Pound upon a leaky Vessel——She was built atWhitehall; I think they call'd her——the Patent——ay, the Patent: Her Keel was made of a Broad Seal——and the King gave 'em a white Staff for their Main-Mast. She was a pretty light Frigate tolook upon, indeed: They spar'd nothing to set her off; they gilded her, and painted her, and rigg'd, and gunn'd her: And so sent her a Privateering. But the first Storm that blew, down went the Mast, ashore went the Ship—Crack, says the Keel; Mercy, cry'd the Pilot; but the Wind was so high, his Pray'rs cou'd not be heard—so they split upon a Rock——that lay hid under a Petticoat.
Esop.A very sad Story, this! But what became of the Ship's Company?
Play.Why, Sir, your humble Servants here, who were the Officers, and the best of the Sailors——(littleBenamongst the rest) seiz'd on a small Bark that lay to our Hand, and away we put to Sea again. To say the truth, we were better mann'd than rigg'd, and Ammunition was plaguy scarce amongst us.——However, a cruising we went, and some petty small Prizes we have made; but the Blessing of Heaven not being among us——or how the Devil 'tis, I cannot tell; but we are not rich.
Esop.Well, but what became of the rest of the Crew?
Play.Why, Sir, as for the Scoundrels, they, poor Dogs, stuck by the Wreck. The Captain gave them Bread and Cheese, and good Words——He told them, if they wou'd patch her up, and venture t'other Cruise, he'd prefer 'em all; so to work they went, and to Sea they got her.
Esop.I hope he kept his Word with 'em.
Play.That he did; he made the Boatswain's Mate Lieutenant; he made the Cook Doctor: He was forc'd to be Purser and Pilot, and Gunner himself; and the Swabber took Orders to be Chaplain.
Esop.But with such unskilful Officers, I'm afraid, they'll hardly keep above Water long.
Play.Why truly, Sir, we care not how soon they are under: But curst Folks thrive, I think. I know nothing else that makes 'em swim. I'm sure, by the Rules of Navigation, they ought to have over-set long since; for they carry a great deal of Sail, and have very little Ballast.
Esop.I'm afraid you ruin one another. I fancy if youwere all in a Ship together again, you'd have less Work, and more Profit.
Play.Ah, Sir——we are resolv'd we'll never sail under Captain Patentee again.
Esop.Pr'ythee, why so?
Play.Sir, he has us'd us like Dogs.
Wom.——And Bitches too, Sir.
Esop.I'm sorry to hear that; pray, how was't he treated you?
Play.Sir, 'tis impossible to tell; he us'd us like theEnglishatAmboyna——
Esop.But I wou'd know some Particulars: Tell me what 'twas he did to you?
Play.What he did, Sir?——Why, he did in the first Place, Sir——In the first Place, Sir, he did——I'cod I don't know what he did——Can you tell, Wife?
Wom.Yes, marry can I; and a burning Shame it was too.
Play.O, I remember now, Sir, he wou'd not give us Plums enough in our Pudding.
Esop.That indeed was very hard; but did he give you as many as he promis'd you?
Play.Yes, and more; but what of all that? We had not as many as we had a mind to——
1 Wom.Sir, my Husband tells you Truth—
Esop.I believe he may; but what other Wrongs did he do you?
1 Wom.Why, Sir, he did not treat me with Respect; 'twas not one Day an three he would so much as bid me good-morrow—
2 Wom.Sir, he invited me to Dinner, and never drank my Health.
1 Wom.Then he cock'd his Hat at Mrs.Pert.
2 Wom.Yes, and told Mrs.Slipperyhe had as good a Face as she had.
Esop.Why, these were insufferable Abuses—
2 Play.Then, Sir, I did but come to him one Day—and tell him I wanted fifty Pound, and what do you think he did by me, Sir?—Sir, he turn'd round upon his Heel like a Top—
1 Play.But that was nothing to the Affront he putupon me, Sir. I came to him, and in very civil words, as I thought, desir'd him to double my Pay: Sir, wou'd you believe it? He had the Barbarity to ask me if I intended to double my Work; and because I told him no, Sir—he did use me, good Lord, how he did use me!
Esop.Pr'ythee how?
1 Play.Why, he walk'd off, and answered me never a Word.
Esop.How had you Patience?
1 Play.Sir, I had not Patience. I sent him a Challenge; and what do you think his answer was?—He sent me Word I was a scoundrel Son of a Whore, and he wou'd only fight me by Proxy——
Esop.Very fine!
1 Play.At this rate, Sir, were we poor Dogs us'd—till one frosty Morning down he comes amongst us—and very roundly tells us——That for the future, no Purchase, no Pay. They that wou'd not work, shou'd not eat——Sir, we at first ask'd him coolly and civilly——Why? His answer was, Because the Town wanted Diversion, and he wanted Money——Our Reply to this, Sir, was very short; but I think to the purpose.
Esop.What was it?
1 Play.It was, Sir, that so we wallow'd in Plenty and Ease——the Town and he might be damn'd——This, Sir, is the true History of our Separation——and we hope you'll stand our Friend——
Esop.I'll tell you what, Sirs——
I once a Pack of Beagles knew——That much resembled I know who;With a good Huntsman at their Tail,In full Command,With Whip in Hand,They'd run apaceThe chearful Chace,And of their Game were seldom known to fail.But being at length their chance to findA Huntsman of a gentler Kind,They soon perceiv'd the Rein was slack;The Word went quickly thro' the Pack——They one and all cry'd Liberty;This happy Moment we are free;We'll range the Woods,Like Nymphs and Gods,And spend our Mouths in Praise of Mutiny.With that, oldJowlertrots away,AndBowmansingles out his Prey;Thunderbellow'd thro' the Wood,And swore he'd burst his Guts with Blood;Venustript it o'er the Plain,With boundless Hopes of boundless Gain;——Juno, she slipt down the Hedge,But left her sacred Word for Pledge,That all she pickt up by the by——Shou'd to the public Treasury;And well they might rely upon her;ForJunowas a Bitch of Honour.In short, they all had Hopes to seeA heavenly Crop of Mutiny.And so to reaping fell.But in a little Time they found,It was the Devil had till'd the Ground,And brought the Seed from Hell.The Pack divided, nothing throve:Discord seiz'd the Throne of Love.Want and Misery all endure;All take pains, and all grow poor.When they had toil'd the live-long Day,And came at Night to view their Prey,Oft, alas, so ill they'd sped,That half went Supperless to Bed.At length they all in Council sate,Where at a very fair Debate,It was agreed at last,That Slavery with Ease and Plenty,When Hounds were something turn'd of twenty,Was much a better Fate,Than 'twas to work and fast.
I once a Pack of Beagles knew——That much resembled I know who;With a good Huntsman at their Tail,In full Command,With Whip in Hand,They'd run apaceThe chearful Chace,And of their Game were seldom known to fail.But being at length their chance to findA Huntsman of a gentler Kind,They soon perceiv'd the Rein was slack;The Word went quickly thro' the Pack——They one and all cry'd Liberty;This happy Moment we are free;We'll range the Woods,Like Nymphs and Gods,And spend our Mouths in Praise of Mutiny.With that, oldJowlertrots away,AndBowmansingles out his Prey;Thunderbellow'd thro' the Wood,And swore he'd burst his Guts with Blood;Venustript it o'er the Plain,With boundless Hopes of boundless Gain;——Juno, she slipt down the Hedge,But left her sacred Word for Pledge,That all she pickt up by the by——Shou'd to the public Treasury;And well they might rely upon her;ForJunowas a Bitch of Honour.In short, they all had Hopes to seeA heavenly Crop of Mutiny.And so to reaping fell.But in a little Time they found,It was the Devil had till'd the Ground,And brought the Seed from Hell.The Pack divided, nothing throve:Discord seiz'd the Throne of Love.Want and Misery all endure;All take pains, and all grow poor.When they had toil'd the live-long Day,And came at Night to view their Prey,Oft, alas, so ill they'd sped,That half went Supperless to Bed.At length they all in Council sate,Where at a very fair Debate,It was agreed at last,That Slavery with Ease and Plenty,When Hounds were something turn'd of twenty,Was much a better Fate,Than 'twas to work and fast.
1 Play.Well, Sir——and what did they do then?
Esop.Why they all went home to their Kennel again. If you think they did wisely, you'll do well to follow their Example.
[ExitEsop.
1 Play.Well, Beagles, what think you of the little Gentleman's Advice?
2 Wom.I think he's a little ugly Philosopher, and talks like a Fool.
1 Play.Ay, why there 'tis now! If he had been a tall Handsome Blockhead, he had talk'd like a wise Man.
2 Wom.Why, do you think, Mr.Jowler, that we'll ever join again?
1 Play.I do think, sweet Mrs.Juno, that if we do not join again, you must be a little freer of your Carcase than you are, or you must bring down your Pride to a Serge Petticoat.
1 Wom.And do you think, Sir, after the Affronts I have receiv'd, the Patent and I can ever be Friends?
1 Play.I do think, Madam, that if my interest had not been more affronted than your Face, the Patent and you had never been Foes.
1 Wom.And so, Sir, then you have serious Thoughts of a Reconciliation!
1 Play.Madam, I do believe I may.
1 Wom.Why then, Sir, give me Leave to tell you, that—make it my Interest, and I'll have serious Thoughts on't too.
2 Wom.Nay, if you are thereabouts, I desire to come into the Treaty.
3 Play.And I.
4 Play.And I.
1 Play.And I. No separate Peace. None of yourTurinPlay, I beseech you.
1 Play.Why then, since you are all so Christianly dispos'd——I think we had best adjourn immediately to our Council-Chamber, choose some potent Prince for Mediator and Guarantee——fix upon the Place of Treaty, dispatch our Plenipo's, and whip up the Peace like an Oyster. For, under the Rose, my Confederates, hereis such a damn'd Discount upon our Bills, I'm afraid, if we stand it out another Campaign, we must live upon slender Subsistence.
[Exeunt.
EnterEsop; and a Country Gentleman, who walks to and fro, looking angrily uponEsop.
Esop.Have you any Business with me, Sir?
Gent.—I can't tell whether I have or not.
Esop.You seem disturb'd, Sir?
Gent.I'm always so at the Sight of a Courtier.
Esop.Pray what may it be, that gives you so great an Antipathy to 'em?
Gent.My Profession.
Esop.What's that?
Gent.Honesty.
Esop.'Tis an honest Profession. I hope, Sir, for the general Good of Mankind, you are in some public Employment?
Gent.So I am, Sir——no Thanks to the Court.
Esop.You are then, I suppose, employ'd by——
Gent.My Country.
Esop.Who have made you——
Gent.A Senator.
Esop.Sir, I reverence you.
[Bowing.
Gent.Sir, you may reverence as low as you please; but I shall spare none of you. Sir, I am intrusted by my Country with above ten Thousand of their Grievances, and, in order to redress them, my Design is to hang ten thousand Courtiers.
Esop.Why, 'tis making short Work, I must confess; but are you sure, Sir, that wou'd do't?
Gent.Sure,——Ay, sure.
Esop.How do you know?
Gent.Why, the whole Country says so, and I at the Head of 'em. Now let me see who dares say the contrary.
Esop.Not I, truly. But, Sir, if you won't take it ill, I'll ask you a Question or two.
Gent.Sir, I shall take ill what I please. And if you, or e'er a Courtier of you all pretend the contrary, I say, 'tis a Breach of Privilege——Now put your Question, if you think fit.
Esop.Why then, Sir, with all due regard to your Character, and your Privilege too, I wou'd be glad to know what you chiefly complain of?
Gent.Why, Sir, I do chiefly complain, that we haveA great many Ships, and very little Trade;A great many Tenants, and very little Money;A great many Soldiers, and very little fighting;A great manyGazettes, and little good News;A great many Statesmen, and very little Wisdom;A great many Parsons, and not an Ounce of Religion.
Gent.Why, Sir, I do chiefly complain, that we haveA great many Ships, and very little Trade;A great many Tenants, and very little Money;A great many Soldiers, and very little fighting;A great manyGazettes, and little good News;A great many Statesmen, and very little Wisdom;A great many Parsons, and not an Ounce of Religion.
Esop.Why truly, Sir, I do confess these are Grievances very well worth your redressing. And I perceive you are truly sensible of our Diseases, but I'm afraid you are a little out in the Cure.
Gent.Sir, I perceive you take me for a Country-Physician: but you shall find, Sir, that a Country-Doctor is able to deal with a Court-Quack; and to shew you that I do understand something of the State of the Body-Politic, I will tell you, Sir, that I have heard a wise Man say, the Court is the Stomach of the Nation, in which, if the Business be not thoroughly digested, the whole Carcase will be in Disorder. Now, Sir, I do find by the Feebleness of the Members, and the Vapours that fly into the Head, that this same Stomach is full of indigestions, which must be remov'd: And therefore, Sir, I am come Post to Town with my Head full ofCrocus Metallorum, and design to give the Court a Vomit.
Esop.Sir, the Physic you mention, tho' necessary sometimes, is of too violent a Nature to be us'd without a great deal of Caution. I'm afraid, you are a little too rash in your Prescriptions. Is it not possible you may be mistaken in the Cause of the Distemper?
Gent.Sir, I do not think it possible I shou'd be mistaken in any thing.
Esop.Have you been long a Senator?
Gent.No, Sir.
Esop.Have you been much about Town?
Gent.No, Sir.
Esop.Have you convers'd much with Men of Business?
Gent.No, Sir.
Esop.Have you made any serious Enquiry into the present Disorders of the Nation?
Gent.No, Sir.
Esop.Have you ever heard what the Men now employ'd in Business have to say for themselves?
Gent.No, Sir.
Esop.How then do you know they deserve to be punish'd for the present Disorders in your Affairs?
Gent.I'll tell you how I know.
Esop.I would be glad to hear.
Gent.Why, I know by this——I know it, I say, by this——that I'm sure on't——And to give you Demonstration that I'm sure on't, there is not one Man in a good Post in the Nation—but I'd give my Vote to hang him: Now I hope you are convinc'd.
Esop.As for Example: The first Minister of State, why wou'd you hang him?
Gent.Because he gives bad Counsel.
Esop.How do you know?
Gent.Why, they say so.
Esop.And who would you put in his Room?
Gent.One that would give better.
Esop.Who's that?
Gent.Myself.
Esop.The Secretary of State, why wou'd you hang him?
Gent.Because he has not good Intelligence.
Esop.How do you know?
Gent.I have heard so.
Esop.And who would you put in his Place?
Gent.My Father.
Esop.The Treasurer, why would you hang him?
Gent.Because he does not understand his Business.
Esop.How do you know?
Gent.I dreamt so.
Esop.And who would you have succeed him?
Gent.My Uncle.
Esop.The Admiral, why would you hang him?
Gent.Because he has not destroy'd the Enemies Ships.
Esop.How do you know he could do it?
Gent.Why, I believe so.
Esop.And who would you have command in his Stead?
Gent.My Brother.
Esop.And the General, why would you hang him?
Gent.Because he took ne'er a Town last Campaign.
Esop.And how you do know it was in his Power?
Gent.Why, I don't care a Souss whether 'twas in his power or not. But I have a Son at home, a brave chopping Lad; he has been Captain in the Militia these twelve Months, and I'd be glad to see him in his Place. What do ye stare for, Sir? Ha! I'gad I tell you he'd scour all to the Devil. He's none of your Fencers, none of your sa-sa Men.Numpsis downright, that's his Play. You may see his Courage in his Face: He has a Pair of Cheeks like two Bladders, a Nose as flat as your Hand, and a Forehead like a Bull.
Esop.In short, Sir, I find if you and your Family were provided for, Things would soon grow better than they do.
Gent.And so they wou'd, Sir. Clap me at the Head of the State, andNumpsat the Head of the Army: He with his Club-Musquet, and I with my Club Head-Piece, we'd soon put an End to your Business.
Esop.I believe you wou'd indeed. And therefore, since I happen to be acquainted with your extraordinary Abilities, I am resolv'd to give the King an Account of you, and employ my Interest with him, that you and your Son may have the Posts you desire.
Gent.Will you, by the Lord?—Give me your Fist, Sir—the only honest Courtier that ever I met with in my Life.
Esop.But, Sir, when I have done you this mighty Piece of Service, I shall have a small Request to beg of you, which I hope you won't refuse me.
Gent.What's that?
Esop.Why, 'tis in behalf of the two Officers who are to be displac'd to make Room for you and your Son.
Gent.The Secretary and the General?
Esop.The same. 'Tis pity they shou'd be quite out of Business: I must therefore desire you'll let me recommend one of 'em to you for your Bailiff, and t'other for your Huntsman.
Gent.My Bailiff and my Huntsman!—--Sir, that's not to be granted.
Esop.Pray, why?
Gent.Why?——Because one wou'd ruin my Land, and t'other wou'd spoil my Fox-Hounds.
Esop.Why do you think so?
Gent.Why do I think so!—--These Courtiers will ask the strangest Questions!—--Why, Sir, do you think that Men bred up to the State or the Army, can understand the Business of Ploughing and Hunting?
Esop.I did not know but they might.
Gent.How cou'd you think so?
Esop.Because I see Men bred up to Ploughing and Hunting, understand the Business of the State and the Army.
Gent.I'm shot——I ha'n't one Word to say for myself——I never was so caught in my Life.
Esop.I perceive, Sir, by your Looks, what I have said has made some Impression upon you; and would, perhaps do more, if you wou'd give it leave. [Taking his Hand.] Come, Sir, tho' I am a Stranger to you, I can be your Friend; my Favour at Court does not hinder me from being a Lover of my Country. 'Tis my Nature, as well as Principle, to be pleas'd with the Prosperity of Mankind. I wish all Things happy, and my Study is to make them so.
The Distempers of the Government (which I own are great) have employ'd the Stretch of my Understanding, and the deepest of my Thoughts, to penetrate the Cause, and to find out the Remedy. But alas! All the Product of my Study is this, That I find there is too near a Resemblance between the Diseases of the State and those of the Body, for the most expert Minister to become a greater Master in one than the College is in t'other: And how far their Skill extends, you may see by this Lump upon my Back. Allowances in all Professions there must be,since 'tis weak Man that is the weak Professor. Believe me, Senator, for I have seen the Proof on't. The longest Beard amongst us is a Fool. Cou'd you but stand behind the Curtain, and there observe the secret Springs of State, you'd see, in all the Good or Evil that attends it, ten Ounces of Chance for one Grain either of Wisdom or Roguery.
You'd see, perhaps, a venerable Statesman sit fast asleep in a great downy Chair; whilst, in that soft Vacation of his Thought, blind Chance (or what at least we blindly call so) shall so dispose a thousand secret Wheels, that when he awakes, he needs but write his Name, to publish to the World some blest Event, for which his Statue shall be rais'd in Brass.
Perhaps a Moment thence, you shall behold him torturing his Brain; his Thoughts all stretcht upon the Rack for publick Service. The live-long Night, when all the World's at rest, consum'd in Care, and watching for their Safety, then by a Whirlwind in his Fate, in spight of him, some Mischief shall befall 'em, for which a furious Sentence strait shall pass, and they shall vote him to the Scaffold. Even thus uncertain are Rewards and Punishments; and even thus little do the People know, when 'tis the Statesman merits one or t'other.
Gent.Now I do believe I am beginning to be a wise Man; for I never till now perceived I was a Fool. But do you then really believe, Sir, our Men in Business do the best they can?
Esop.Many of 'em do: Some perhaps do not. But this you may depend upon; he that is out of Business is the worst Judge in the World of him that is in: First, Because he seldom knows any Thing of the Matter: And, Secondly, Because he always desires to get his Place.
Gent.And so, Sir, you turn the Tables upon the Plaintiff, and lay the Fool and Knave at his Door.
Esop.If I do him wrong, I'm sorry for't. Let him examine himself, he'll find whether I do or not.
[ExitEsop.
Gent.——Examine!—--I think I have had enough of that already. There's nothing left, that I know of, but to give Sentence: And truly I think, there's no greatdifficulty in that. A very pretty Fellow I am, indeed! Here am I come bellowing and roaring two hundred Miles Post to find myself an Ass; when, with one Quarter of an Hour's Consideration, I might have made the self-same Discovery, without going over my Threshold. Well! if ever they send me on their Errand to reform the State again, I'll be damn'd. But this I'll do: I'll go home and reform my Family if I can: Them I'm sure I know. There's my Father's a peevish old Coxcomb: There's my Uncle's a drunken old Sot: There's my Brother's a cowardly Bully: SonNumpsis a lubberly Whelp: I've a great ramping Daughter, that stares like a Heifer: and a Wife that's a slatternly Sow.
[Exit.
Enter a young, gay, airy Beau, who stands smiling contemptibly uponEsop.
Esop.Well, Sir, what are you?
Beau.A Fool.
Esop.That's impossible!—--for if thou wert, thou'd'st think thyself a wise Man.
Beau.So I do—This is my own Opinion——the t'other's my Neighbour's.
[Walking airily about.
Esop. gazing after him.] Have you any Business with me, Sir?
Beau.Sir, I have Business with nobody, Pleasure's my Study.
Esop.[Aside.] An odd Fellow this!—--Pray, Sir, who are you?
Beau.I can't tell——
Esop.——Do you know who I am?
Beau.No, Sir: I'm a Favourite at Court, and I neither know myself, nor any body else.
Esop.Are you in any Employment?
Beau.Yes.
Esop.What is't?
Beau.I don't know the Name on't.
Esop.You know the Business on't, I hope?
Beau.That I do—the Business of it is——to——put in a Deputy and receive the Money.
Esop.——Pray, what may be your Name?
Beau.Empty.
Esop.Where do you live?
Beau.In the Side-Box.
Esop.What do you do there?
Beau.I ogle the Ladies.
Esop.To what Purpose?
Beau.To no Purpose.
Esop.Why then do you do it?
Beau.Because they like it, and I like it.
Esop.Wherein consists the Pleasure?
Beau.In playing the Fool.
Esop.——Pray, Sir, what Age are you?
Beau.Five and twenty my Body; my Head's about fifteen.
Esop.Is your Father living?
Beau.Dead, thank God.
Esop.Has he been long so?
Beau.Positively, yes.
Esop.Where were you brought up?
Beau.At School.
Esop.What School?
Beau.The School ofVenus.
Esop.Were you ever at the University?
Beau.Yes.
Esop.What Study did you follow there?
Beau.My Bed-maker.
Esop.How long did you stay?
Beau.Till I had lost my Maidenhead.
Esop.Why did you come away?
Beau.Because I was expell'd.
Esop.Where did you go then?
Beau.To Court.
Esop.Who took Care of your Education there?
Beau.A Whore and a Dancing-Master.
Esop.What did you gain by them?
Beau.AMinuet, and thePox.
Esop.Have you an Estate?
Beau.I had.
Esop.What's become on't?
Beau.Spent.
Esop.In what?
Beau.In a Twelvemonth.
Esop.But how?
Beau.Why, in Dressing, Drinking, Whoring, Claps, Dice, and Scriveners. What do you think of me now, old Gentleman?
Esop.Pray, what do you think of yourself?
Beau.I don't think at all: I know how to bestow my Time better.
Esop.Are you married?
Beau.No——have you ever a Daughter to bestow upon me?
Esop.She wou'd be well bestow'd.
Beau.Why, I'm a strong young Dog, you old Put, you: She may be worse coupled——
Esop.Have you then a Mind to a Wife, Sir?
Beau.Yaw,Mynheer.
Esop.What wou'd you do with her?
Beau.Why, I'd take Care of her Affairs, rid her of all her Troubles, her Maidenhead, and her Portion.
Esop.And, pray, what Sort of Wife wou'd you be willing to throw yourself away upon?
Beau.Why, upon one that has Youth, Beauty, Quality, Virtue, Wit and Money.
Esop.And how may you be qualified yourself, to back you in your Pretensions to such a one?
Beau.Why, I am qualified with——a Perriwig——a Snuff-box—a Feather——a——smooth Face——a Fool's Head——and a Patch.
Esop.But one Question more: What Settlements can you make?
Beau.Settlements!—Why, if she be a very great Heiress, indeed, I believe I may settle——myself upon her for Life, and my Pox upon her Children for ever.
Esop.'Tis enough; you may expect I'll serve you, if it lies in my Way. But I wou'd not have you rely too much upon your Success, because People sometimes are mistaken——
As for Example——
An Ape there was of nimble Parts,A great Intruder into Hearts,As brisk, and gay, and full of Air,As you or I, or any here;Rich in his Dress, of splendid Shew,And with an Head like any Beau:Eternal Mirth was in his Face;Where'er he went,He was content,So Fortune had but kindly sentSome Ladies——and a Looking-glass.Encouragement they always gave him,Encouragement to play the Fool;For soon they found it was a ToolWou'd hardly be so much in Love,But that the mumbling of a Glove,Or tearing of a Fan, wou'd save him.These Bounties he accepts as ProofOf Feats done by his Wit and Youth;He gives their Freedom gone for ever,Concludes each Female Heart undone,Except that very Happy OneTo which he'd please to do the Favour.In short, so smooth his Matters went,He guess'd, where'er his Thoughts were bent,The Lady he must carry:So put on a fine new Cravat,He comb'd his Wig, he cock'd his Hat,And gave it out he'd marry.But here, alas! he found to 's Cost,He had reckon'd long without his Host:For wheresoe'er he made th' Attack,Poor Pug with Shame was beaten back.The first fair She he had in Chace,Was a young Cat, extremely rich,Her Mother was a noted Witch;So, had the Daughter prov'd but civil,He'd been related to the Devil.But when he cameTo urge his Flame,She scratch'd him o'er the Face.With that he went among the Bitches,Such as had Beauty, Wit and Riches,And swore Miss Maulkin, to her Cost,Shou'd quickly see what she had lost:But the poor, unlucky SwainMiss'd his Shepherdess again;His Fate was to miscarry.It was his Destiny to find,That Cats and Dogs are of a Mind,When Monkies come to marry.
An Ape there was of nimble Parts,A great Intruder into Hearts,As brisk, and gay, and full of Air,As you or I, or any here;Rich in his Dress, of splendid Shew,And with an Head like any Beau:Eternal Mirth was in his Face;Where'er he went,He was content,So Fortune had but kindly sentSome Ladies——and a Looking-glass.Encouragement they always gave him,Encouragement to play the Fool;For soon they found it was a ToolWou'd hardly be so much in Love,But that the mumbling of a Glove,Or tearing of a Fan, wou'd save him.These Bounties he accepts as ProofOf Feats done by his Wit and Youth;He gives their Freedom gone for ever,Concludes each Female Heart undone,Except that very Happy OneTo which he'd please to do the Favour.In short, so smooth his Matters went,He guess'd, where'er his Thoughts were bent,The Lady he must carry:So put on a fine new Cravat,He comb'd his Wig, he cock'd his Hat,And gave it out he'd marry.But here, alas! he found to 's Cost,He had reckon'd long without his Host:For wheresoe'er he made th' Attack,Poor Pug with Shame was beaten back.The first fair She he had in Chace,Was a young Cat, extremely rich,Her Mother was a noted Witch;So, had the Daughter prov'd but civil,He'd been related to the Devil.But when he cameTo urge his Flame,She scratch'd him o'er the Face.With that he went among the Bitches,Such as had Beauty, Wit and Riches,And swore Miss Maulkin, to her Cost,Shou'd quickly see what she had lost:But the poor, unlucky SwainMiss'd his Shepherdess again;His Fate was to miscarry.It was his Destiny to find,That Cats and Dogs are of a Mind,When Monkies come to marry.
Beau.'Tis very well;——'tis very well, old Spark; I say, 'tis very well. Because I han't a Pair of plaid Shoes, and a dirty Shirt, you think a Woman won't venture upon me for a Husband——Why, now to shew you, old Father, how little you Philosophers know of the Ladies, I'll tell you an Adventure of a Friend of mine.
A Band, a Bob-Wig, and a Feather,Attack'd a Lady's Heart together.The Band, in a most learned Plea,Made up of deep Philosophy,Told her, if she wou'd please to wedA Reverend Beard, and take, insteadOf vigorous Youth,Old solemn Truth,With Books and Morals into Bed,How happy she wou'd be.The Bob, he talk'd of Management,What wondrous Blessings Heaven sentOn Care, and Pains, and Industry;And, truly, he must be so freeTo own, he thought your airy Beaux,With powder'd Wigs, and dancing Shoes,Were good for nothing (mend his Soul!),But prate, and talk, and play the Fool.He said, 'twas Wealth gave Joy and Mirth;And that to be the dearest WifeOf one, who labour'd all his Life,To make a Mine of Gold his own,And not spendSixpencewhen he'd done,Was Heaven upon Earth.When these two Blades had done, d' ye see,The Feather (as it might be me)Steps out, Sir, from behind the Skreen,With such an Air, and such a Mien,Look you, old Gentleman, in short,He quickly spoil'd the Statesman's Sport.It prov'd such Sunshine Weather,That you must know, at the first BeckThe Lady leapt about his Neck,And off they went together.
A Band, a Bob-Wig, and a Feather,Attack'd a Lady's Heart together.The Band, in a most learned Plea,Made up of deep Philosophy,Told her, if she wou'd please to wedA Reverend Beard, and take, insteadOf vigorous Youth,Old solemn Truth,With Books and Morals into Bed,How happy she wou'd be.The Bob, he talk'd of Management,What wondrous Blessings Heaven sentOn Care, and Pains, and Industry;And, truly, he must be so freeTo own, he thought your airy Beaux,With powder'd Wigs, and dancing Shoes,Were good for nothing (mend his Soul!),But prate, and talk, and play the Fool.He said, 'twas Wealth gave Joy and Mirth;And that to be the dearest WifeOf one, who labour'd all his Life,To make a Mine of Gold his own,And not spendSixpencewhen he'd done,Was Heaven upon Earth.When these two Blades had done, d' ye see,The Feather (as it might be me)Steps out, Sir, from behind the Skreen,With such an Air, and such a Mien,Look you, old Gentleman, in short,He quickly spoil'd the Statesman's Sport.It prov'd such Sunshine Weather,That you must know, at the first BeckThe Lady leapt about his Neck,And off they went together.
ToEsop.] There's a Tale for your Tale, old Dad, and so——Serviteur.
[Exeunt.