EnterMr.Barnard.
Heavenbe now my comfort, for my house is hell: [Starts.] Who's there, what do you want? who are you?
Enter servant with a portmanteau.
Serv.Sir, here's your cousinJannoand cousinMawkincome fromParis.
Mr.Barn.What a plague do they want?
EnterJannoleading inMawkin.
Jan.Come, sister, come along——O here's cousinBarnard——CousinBarnard, your servant——Here's my sisterMawkinand I are come to see you.
Mawk.Ay, cousin, here's brotherJannoand I are come fromParisto see you: pray how does cousinMariamnedo?
Jan.My sister and I waunt well atParis; so my father sent us here for two or three weeks to take a little country air.
Mr.Barn.You cou'd not come to a worse place; for this is the worst air in the whole county.
Mawk.Nay, I'm sure, my father says it is the best.
Mr.Barn.Your father's a fool; I tell ye, 'tis the worst.
Jan.Nay, cousin, I fancy you're mistaken now; for I begin to find my stomach come to me already; in a fortnight's time you shall see how I'll lay about me.
Mr.Barn.I don't at all doubt it.
Mawk.Father wou'd have sent sisterFlip.and littlebrotherHumphrey, but the calash would not hold us all, and so they don't come till to-morrow with mother.
Jan.Come, sister, let's put up our things in our chamber; and after you have washed my face, and put me on a clean neckcloth, we'll go in and see how our cousins do.
Mawk.Ay, come along, we'll go and see cousinMariamne.
Jan.Cousin, we shan't give you much trouble, one bed will serve us; for sisterMawkinand I always lie together.
Mawk.But, cousin; mother prays you that you'd order a little cock-broth for brotherJannoand I, to be got ready as soon as may be.
Jan.Ay,a propos, cousinBarnard, that's true; my mother desires, that we may have some cock-broth to drink two or three times a-day between meals, for my sister and I are sick folks.
Mawk.And some young chickens, too, the doctor said would bring us to our stomachs very soon.
Jan.You fib now, sister, it waunt young chickens, so it waunt, it was plump partridges sure, the doctor said so.
Mawk.Ay, so it was brother,—come, let's go in, and see our cousins.
Jan.Ay, come along, sister—cousinBarnard, don't forget the cock-broth.
[ExeuntJannoandMawkin.
Mr.Barn.What the Devil does all this mean——mother, and sisterFlip., and little brotherHumphrey, and chickens, and partridges, and cock-broth, and fire from hell to dress 'em all.
EnterColin.
Col.O measter, O measter——you'll not chide to-day, as you are usen to do, no marry will you not; see now what it is to be wiser than one's measter.
Mr.Barn.What wou'd this fool have?
Col.Why thanks and money to boot, an folk were grateful.
Mr.Barn.What's the matter?
Col.Why the matter is, if you have good store of company in your house, you have good store of meat to put in their bellies.
Mr.Barn.How so? how so?
Col.Why a large and stately stag, with a pair of horns on his head, heavens bless you, your worship might be seen to wear 'em, comes towards our Geat a puffing and blawing like a cow in hard labour——Now says I to myself, says I, if my measter refuse to let this fine youth come in, why then he's a fool, d'ye see—So I opens him the geat, pulls off my hat with both my honds, and said you're welcome, kind Sir, to our house.
Mr.Barn.Well, well!
Col.Well, well, ay, and so it is well, as you shall straightway find——So in he trots, and makes directly towards our barn, and goes bounce, bounce, against the door, as boldly as if he had been measter on't——he turns'en about and thwacks'n down in the stra, as who would say, here will I lay me till to-morrow morning—But he had no fool to deal with——for to the kitchen goes I, and takes me down a musquet, and with a breace of balls, I hits'n such a slap in the feace, that he ne'er spoke a word more to me——Have I done well or no measter?
Mr.Barn.Yes, you have done very well for once.
Col.But this was not all, for a parcel of dogs came yelping after their companion, as I suppose; so I goes to the back yard-door, and as many as came by, shu, says I, and drove them into the gearden, so there they are as safe as in a pawnd——ha, ha,——but I can but think what a power of pasties we shall have at our house, ha, ha.
[ExitColin.
Mr.Barn.I see Providence takes some care of me: this cou'd never have happened in a better time.
EnterCook.
Cook.Sir, sir, in the name of wonder, what do you mean? is it by your orders that all those dogs were let into the garden?
Mr.Barn.How!
Cook.I believe there's forty or fifty dogs tearing up the lettice and cabbage by the root. I believe before they have done, they'll rout up the whole garden.
Mr.Barn.This is that rogue's doings.
Cook.This was not all, Sir, for three or four of 'em came into the kitchen, and tore half the meat off the spit that was for your worship's supper.
Mr.Barn.The very dogs plague me.
Cook.And then there's a crew of hungry footmen who devour'd what the dogs left, so that there's not a bit left for your worship's supper, not a scrap, not one morsel, Sir.
[ExitCook.
Mr.Barn.Sure I shall hit on some way to get rid of this crew.
EnterColin.
Col.Sir, Sir, here's the devil to do without yonder; a parcel of fellows swear they'll have our venison, and s'blead I swear they shall have none on't, so stand to your arms, measter.
Mr.Barn.Ay, you've done finely, rogue, rascal, have you not?
[Beating him.
Col.'Sblead, I say they shan't have our venison. I'll die before I'll part with it.
[Exit.
EnterGriffard.
Griff.Brother, there's some gentlemen within ask for you.
Mr.Barn.What gentlemen? who are they?
Griff.The gentlemen that have been hunting all this morning, they're now gone up to your wife's chamber.
Mr.Barn.The Devil go with 'em.
Griff.There is but one way to get rid of this plague, and that is, as I told you before, to set your house on fire.
Mr.Barn.That's doing myself an injury, not them.
Griff.There's dogs, horses, masters and servants, all intend to stay here 'till to-morrow morning, that they may be near the woods to hunt the earlier—besides (I overheard them) they're in a kind of plot against you.
Mr.Barn.What did they say?
Griff.You'll be angry if I tell ye.
Mr.Barn.Can I be more angry than I am?
Griff.They said then that it was the greatest pleasure in the world to ruin an old lawyer in the country, who had got an estate by ruining honest people in town.
Mr.Barn.There's rogues for ye!
Griff.I'm mistaken if they don't play you some trick or other.
Mr.Barn.Hold, let me consider.
Griff.What are you doing?
Griff.I'mconceiving, I shallbring forthpresently——oh, I have it, it comes from hence, wit was its father, and invention its mother; if I had thought on't sooner, I shou'd have been happy.
Griff.What is it?
Mr.Barn.Come, come along, I say; you must help me to put it in execution.
EnterLisetta.
Lis.Sir, my mistress desires you to walk up, she is not able, by herself, to pay the civilities due to so much good company.
Mr.Barn.O the carrion! what does she play her jests upon me too?——but mum, he laughs best that laughs last.
Lis.What shall I tell her, Sir, will you come?
Mr.Barn.Yes, yes, tell her I'll come with a pox to her.
[ExeuntMr.BarnardandGriffard.
Lis.Nay, I don't wonder he shou'd be angry—they do try his patience, that's the truth on't.
EnterMariamne.
What, Madam, have you left your mother and the company?
Mar.So much tittle tattle makes my head ake; I don't wonder my father shou'd not love thecountry, for besides the expence he's at, he never enjoys a minute's quiet.
Lis.But let's talk of our own affairs—have you writ to your lover?
Mar.No, for I have not had time since I saw him.
Lis.Now you have time then, about it immediately, for he's a sort of desperate spark, and a body does not know what he may do, if he shou'd not hear from you; besides you promised him, and you must behave yourself like a woman of honour, and keep your word.
Mar.I'll about it this minute.
EnterCharly.
Char.Cousin, cousin, cousin, where are you going? Come back, I have something to say to you.
Lis.What does this troublesome boy want?
Char.What's that to you what I want? perhaps I have something to say to her that will make her laugh——why sure! what need you care?
Mar.Don't snub my cousinCharly——well, what is't?
Char.Who do you think I met, as I was coming here, but that handsome gentleman I've seen at church ogle you like any devil?
Mar.Hush, softly, cousin.
Lis.Not a word of that for your life.
Char.O I know I shou'd not speak on't before folks; you know I made signs to you above, that I wanted to speak to you in private, didn't I, cousin?
Mar.Yes, yes, I saw you.
Char.You see I can keep a secret.——I am no girl, mun——I believe I cou'd tell you fifty and fifty to that, of my sisterCicely——O she's the devil of a girl——but she gives me money and sugar-plumbs——and those that are kind to me fare the better for it, you see cousin.
Mar.I always said my cousinCharlywas a good-natur'd boy.
Lis.Well, and did he know you?
Char.Yes, I think he did know me—for he took me in his arms, and did so hug and kiss me——between you and I, cousin, I believe he is one of the best friends I have in the world.
Mar.Well, but what did he say to you?
Char.Why, he ask'd me where I was going; I told him I was coming to see you; you're a lying young rogue, says he, I'm sure you dare not go see your cousin—for you must know my sister was with me, and it seems he took her for a crack, and I being a forward boy, he fancied I was going to make love to her under a hedge, ha, ha.
Mar.So.
Char.So he offer'd to lay me aLewis d'Orthat I was not coming to you; so done, says I——Done, says he,——and so 'twas a bett, you know.
Mar.Certainly.
Char.So my sister's honour being concern'd, and having a mind to win hisLewis d'Or, d'ye see——I bid him follow me, that he might see whether I came in or no—but he said he'd wait for me at the little garden gate that opens into the fields, and if I would come thro' the house and meet him there, he should know by that whether I had been in or no.
Mar.Very well.
Char.So I went there, open'd the gate and let him in—
Mar.What then?
Char.Why then he paid me theLewis d'Or, that's all.
Mar.Why, that was honestly done.
Char.And then he talk'd to me of you, and said you had the charmingest bubbies, and every time he nam'd 'em, ha! says he, as if he had been sipping hot tea.
Mar.But was this all?
Char.No, for he had a mind, you must know, to win hisLewis d'Orback again; so he laid me another, that I dare not come back, and tell you that he was there; so cousin, I hope you won't let me lose, for if you don't go to him and tell him that I've won, he won't pay me.
Mar.What, wou'd you have me go and speak to a man?
Char.Not for any harm, but to win your poor cousin aLewis d'Or. I'm sure you will—for you're a modest young woman, and may go without danger——Well, cousin, I'll swear you look very handsome to-day, and have the prettiest bubbies there; do let me feel 'em, I'll swear you must.
Mar.What does the young rogue mean? I swear I'll have you whipt.
[ExeuntCharlyandMariamne.
EnterColin.
Col.Ha, ha, ha! our old gentleman's a wag efaith, he'll be even with 'em for all this, ha, ha, ha——
Lis.What's the matter? what does the fool laugh at?
Col.We an't in our house now,Lisetta, we're in an inn: ha, ha!
Lis.How in an inn?
Col.Yes, in an inn, my measter has gotten an old rusty sword, and hung it up at our geat, and writ underneath with a piece of charcoal with his own fair hand,At theSword Royal;entertainment for man and horse: ha, ha——
Lis.What whim is this?
Col.Thou, and I, live at theSword Royal, ha, ha—
Lis.I'll go tell my mistress of her father's extravagance.
[ExitLisetta.
Enter Mr.BarnardandGriffard.
Mr.Barn.Ha, ha! yes I think this will do. Sirrah,Colin, you may now let in all the world; the more the better.
Colin.Yes, Sir——Ods-flesh! we shall break all the inns in the country——For we have a brave handsome landlady, and a curious young lass to her daughter——O, here comes my young measter——We'll make him chamberlain——ha, ha——
EnterDorant.
Mr.Barn.What's the matter, son? How comes it that you are all alone? You used to do me the favour to bring some of your friends along with ye.
Dor.Sir, there are some of 'em coming; I only rid before, to beg you to give them a favourable reception.
Mr.Barn.Ay why not? it is both for your honour and mine; you shall be master.
Dor.Sir, we have now an opportunity of making all the gentlemen in the country our friends.
MrBarn.I'm glad on't with all my heart; pray how so?
Dor.There's an old quarrel to be made up between two families, and all the company are to meet at our house.
Mr.Barn.Ay, with all my heart; but pray, what is the quarrel?
Dor.O, Sir, a very ancient quarrel; It happened between their great grandfathers about a duck.
Mr.Barn.A quarrel of consequence truly.
Dor.And 'twill be a great honour to us, if this shou'd be accommodated at our house.
Mr.Barn.Without doubt.
Dor.Dear Sir, you astonish me with this goodness; how shall I express this obligation? I was afraid, Sir, you would not like it.
Mr.Barn.Why so?
Dor.I thought, Sir, you did not care for the expence.
Mr.Barn.O Lord, I am the most alter'd man in the world from what I was, I'm quite another thing, mun; but how many are there of 'em?
Dor.Not above nine or ten of a side, Sir.
Mr.Barn.O, we shall dispose of them easily enough.
Dor.Some of 'em will be here present'y, the rest I don't expect 'till to-morrow morning.
Mr.Barn.I hope they're good companions, jolly fellows, that love to eat and drink well.
Dor.The merriest, best-natur'd creatures in the world, Sir.
Mr.Barn.I'm very glad on't, for 'tis such men I want. Come, brother, you and I will go and prepare for their reception.
[Exeunt Mr.Barnardand his brother.
Dor.Bless me, what an alteration is here! How my father's temper is chang'd within these two or three days! Do you know the meaning of it?
Col.Why the meaning on't is, ha, ha——
Dor.Can you tell me the cause of this sudden change, I say?
Col.Why the cause on't is, ha, ha.——
Dor.What do you laugh at, sirrah? do you know?
Col.Ha——because the old gentleman's a drole, that's all.
Dor.Sirrah, if I take the cudgel——
Col.Nay, Sir, don't be angry for a little harmless mirth——But here are your friends.
Enter three gentlemen.
Dor.Gentlemen you are welcome toPasty-Hall; see that these gentlemens horses are taken care of.
1 Gen.A very fine dwelling this.
Dor.Yes, the house is tolerable.
2 Gen.And a very fine lordship belongs to it.
Dor.The land is good.
3 Gen.This house ought to have been mine, for my grandfather sold it to his father, from whom your father purchased it.
Dor.Yes, the house has gone thro' a great many hands.
1 Gen.A sign there has always been good house-keeping in it.
Dor.And I hope there ever will.
Enter Mr.Barnard, andGriffard, drest like drawers.
Mr.Barn.Gentlemen, do you call? will you please to see a room, gentlemen? somebody take off the gentlemens boots there?
Dor.Father! uncle! what is the meaning of this?
Mr.Barn.Here, shew a room——or will you please to walk into the kitchen first, gentlemen, and see what you like for dinner.
1 Gen.Make no preparations, Sir, your own dinner is sufficient.
Mr.Barn.Very well, I understand ye; let's see, how many are there of ye? [Tells 'em.] One, two, three, four: well, gentlemen, 'tis but half a crown a-piece for yourselves, and sixpence a-head for your servants; your dinner shall be ready in half an hour; here, shew the gentlemen into theApollo.
2 Gen.What, Sir, does your father keep an inn?
Mr.Barn.TheSword Royal; at your service, Sir.
Dor.But father let me speak to you; would you disgrace me?
Mr.Barn.My wine is very good, gentlemen, but to be very plain with ye, it is dear.
Dor.O, I shall run distracted.
Mr.Barn.You seem not to like my house, gentlemen; you may try all the inns in the county, and not be better entertained; but I own my bills run high.
Dor.Gentlemen, let me beg the favour of ye.
1 Gen.Ay, my young'Squireof theSword Royal', you shall receive some favours from us.
Dor.Dear Monsieurle Guarantiere.
1 Gen.Here, my horse there.
Dor.Monsieurla Rose.
2 Gen.Damn ye, ye prig.
Dor.MonsieurTrofignac.
3 Gen.Go to the devil.
[Exeunt Gentlemen.
Dor.O, I'm disgrac'd for ever.
Mr.Barn.Now, son, this will teach you how to live.
Dor.Your son? I deny the kindred; I'm the son ofa whore, and I'll burn your house about your ears, you old rogue you.
[Exit.
Mr.Barn.Ha, ha——
Griff.The young gentleman's in a passion.
Mr.Barn.They're all gone for all that, and theSword Royal's the best general in Christendom.
EnterErastus's servant, talking withLisetta.
Lis.What, that tall gentleman I saw in the garden with ye?
Serv.The same, he's my master's uncle, and ranger of the king's forests——He intends to leave my master all he has.
Mr.Barn.Don't I know this scoundrel? What, is his master here? What do you do here, rascal?
Serv.I was asking which must be my master's chamber.
Mr.Barn.Where is your master?
Serv.Above stairs with your wife and daughter; and I want to know where he's to lie that I may put up his things.
Mr.Barn.Do you so, rascal?
Serv.A very handsome inn this—Here, drawer, fetch me a pint of wine.
Mr.Barn.Take that, rascal, do you banter us?
[Kicks him out.
Enter Mrs.Barnard.
Mrs.Barn.What is the meaning of this, husband? Are not you asham'd to turn your house into an inn——and is this a dress for my spouse, and a man of your character?
Mr.Barn.I'd rather wear this dress than be ruin'd.
Mrs.Barn.You're nearer being so than you imagine: for there are some persons within, who have it in their power to punish you for your ridiculous folly.
EnterErastus, leading inMariamne.
Mr.Barn.How, Sir, what means this? who sent you here?
Er.It was the luckiest star in your firmament that sent me here.
Mr.Barn.Then I doubt, at my birth, the planets were but in a scurvy disposition.
Er.Killing one of the king's stags, that run hither for refuge, is enough to overturn a fortune much better established than yours——However, Sir, if you will consent to give me your daughter, for her sake I will bear you harmless.
Mr.Barn.No, Sir, no man shall have my daughter, that won't take my house too.
Er.Sir, I will take your house; pay you the full value of it, and you shall remain as much master of it as ever.
Mr.Barn.No, Sir, that won't do neither; you must be master yourself, and from this minute begin to do the honours of it in your own person.
Er.Sir, I readily consent.
Mr.Barn.Upon that condition, and in order to get rid of my house, here, take my daughter——And now, Sir, if you think you've a hard bargain, I don't care if I toss you in my wife to make you amends.
Well then, since all things thus are fairly sped,MySonin anger, and myDaughterwed;MyHousedispos'd of, the sole cause of strife,}I now may hope to lead a happy life,}If I can part with myEngaging Wife.}
Well then, since all things thus are fairly sped,MySonin anger, and myDaughterwed;MyHousedispos'd of, the sole cause of strife,}I now may hope to lead a happy life,}If I can part with myEngaging Wife.}