Enter LadyArabella, as just up, walking pensively to her Toilet, follow'd by Trusty.
LadyAra.Well, sure never woman had such luck—these devilish dice!—--Sit up all night; lose all one's money, and then——how like a hag I look. [Sits at her toilet, turning her purse inside out.] Not a guinea——worth less by a hundred pounds than I was by one o'clock this morning——and then——I was worth nothing——what is to be done,Trusty!
Trus.I wish I were wise enough to tell you, Madam; but if there comes in any good company to breakfast with your Ladyship, perhaps you may have a run of better fortune.
LadyAra.But I han't a guinea to try my fortune——let me see——who was that impertinent man, that was so saucy last week about money, that I was forc'd to promise once more, he shou'd have what I ow'd him, this morning?
Trus.O, I remember, Madam; it was your old mercerShort-yard, that you turn'd off a year ago, because he would trust you no longer.
LadyAra.That's true; and I think I bid the steward keep the thirty guineas out of some money he was paying me to stop his odious mouth.
Trus.Your Ladyship did so.
LadyAra.Pr'ythee,Trusty, run and see whether the wretch has got the money yet; if not, tell the steward, I have occasion for it myself; run quickly.
[Trustyruns to the door.
Trus.Ah, Madam, he's just paying it away now, in the hall.
LadyAra.Stop him! quick, quick, dearTrusty.
Trus.Hem, hem, Mr.Money-bag, a word with you quickly.
Mon.[Within.] I'll come presently.
Trus.Presently won't do, you must come this moment.
Mon.I'm but just paying a little money.
Trus.Cods my life, paying money, is the man distracted? Come here, I tell you, to my Lady this moment, quick.
[Money-bagcomes to the door with a purse in's hand.
My Lady says you must not pay the money to-day, there's a mistake in the account, which she must examine; and she's afraid too there was a false guinea or two left in the purse, which might disgrace her. [Twitches the purse from him.] But she's too busy to look for 'em just now, so you must bid Mr. What-d'ye-call-'em come another time. There they are, Madam. [Gives her the money.] The poor things were so near gone, they mademe tremble; I fancy your Ladyship will give me one of those false guineas for good luck. [Takes a guinea.] Thank you, Madam.
LadyAra.Why, I did not bid you take it.
Trus.No, but your Ladyship look'd as if you were just going to bid me; so I took it to save your Ladyship the trouble of speaking.
LadyAra.Well, for once——but hark——I think I hear the man making a noise yonder.
Trus.Nay, I don't expect he'll go out of the house quietly. I'll listen.
[Goes to the door.
LadyAra.Do.
Trus.He's in a bitter passion with poorMoney-bag; I believe he'll beat him——Lord, how he swears!
LadyAra.And a sober citizen too! that's a shame.
Trus.He says he will speak with you, Madam, tho' the devil held your door——Lord! he's coming hither full drive, but I'll lock him out.
LadyAra.No matter, let him come; I'll reason with him.
Trus.But he's a saucy fellow for all that.
EnterShort-yard.
What wou'd you have, Sir?
Short.I wou'd have my due, Mistress.
Trus.That wou'd be——to be well cudgel'd, Master, for coming so familiarly, where you shou'd not come.
LadyAra.Do you think you do well, Sir, to intrude into my dressing-room?
Short.Madam, I sold my goods to you in your dressing room, I don't know why I mayn't ask for my money there.
LadyAra.You are very short, Sir.
Short.Your Ladyship won't complain of my patience being so?
LadyAra.I complain of nothing that ought not to be complained of; but I hate ill manners.
Short.So do I, Madam,—but this is the seventeenthtime I have been ordered to come with good-manners for my money, to no purpose.
LadyAra.Your money, man! Is that the matter? Why it has lain in the steward's hands this week for you.
Short.Madam, you yourself appointed me to come this very morning for it.
LadyAra.But why did you come so late then?
Short.So late! I came soon enough, I thought.
LadyAra.That thinking wrong, makes us liable to a world of disappointments: If you had thought of coming one minute sooner, you had had your money.
Short.Gad bless me, Madam, I had the money as I thought, I'm sure it was telling out, and I was writing a receipt for't.
Trus.Why there you thought wrong again, Master.
LadyAra.Yes, for you shou'd never think of writing a receipt till the money is in your pocket.
Short.Why, I did think 'twas in my pocket.
Trus.Look you, thinking again. Indeed, Mr.Short-yard, you make so many blunders, 'tis impossible but you must suffer by it, in your way of trade. I'm sorry for you, and you'll be undone.
Short.And well I may, when I sell my goods to people that won't pay me for 'em, till the interest of my money eats out all my profit: I sold them so cheap, because I thought I shou'd be paid the next day.
Trus.Why, there again! there's another of your thoughts; paid the next day, and you han't been paid this twelvemonth you see.
Short.Oons, I han't been paid at all, Mistress.
LadyAra.Well, tradesmen are strange unreasonable creatures, refuse to sell people any more things, and then quarrel with 'em because they don't pay for those they have had already. Now what can you say to that, Mr.Short-yard?
Short.Say! Why—'Sdeath, Madam, I don't know what you talk of, I don't understand your argument.
LadyAra.Why, what do you understand, man?
Short.Why, I understand that I have had above ahundred pounds due to me a year ago; that I came, by appointment, just now to receive it: that it proved at last to be but thirty instead of a hundred and ten; and that while the steward was telling even that out, and I was writing the receipt, comes Mrs.Pophere, and the money was gone. But I'll be banter'd no longer if there's law inEngland. Say no more,Short-yard.
[Exit.
Trus.What a passion the poor devil's in!
LadyAra.Why truly one can't deny but he has some present cause to be a little in ill-humour, but when one has things of greater consequence on foot, one can't trouble one's self about making such creatures easy; so call for breakfast,Trusty, and set the hazard-table ready; if there comes no company I'll play a little by myself.
Enter LordLoverule.
LordLove.Pray what offence, Madam, have you given to a man I met with just as I came in?
LadyAra.People who are apt to take offence, do it for small matters, you know.
LordLove.I shall be glad to find this so; but he says you have owed him above a hundred pounds this twelvemonth; that he has been here forty times by appointment for it, to no purpose; and that coming here this morning upon positive assurance from yourself, he was trick'd out of the money, while he was writing a receipt for it, and sent away without a farthing.
LadyAra.Lord, how these shopkeepers will lye!
LordLove.What then is the business? for some ground the man must have to be in such a passion.
LadyAra.I believe you'll rather wonder to see me so calm, when I tell you he had the insolence to intrude into my very dressing-room here, with a story without a head or tail; you know,Trusty, we cou'd not understand one word he said, but when he swore——Good Lord! how the wretch did swear!
Trus.I never heard the like for my part.
LordLove.And all this for nothing?
LadyAra.So it proved, my Lord, for he got nothing by it.
LordLove.His swearing I suppose was for his money, Madam. Who can blame him?
LadyAra.If he swore for money he should be put in the pillory.
LordLove.Madam, I won't be banter'd, nor sued by this man for your extravagancies: do you owe him the money or not?
LadyAra.He says I do, but such fellows will say any thing.
LordLove.Provoking! [Aside.] Did not I desire an account from you of all your debts, but six months since, and give you money to clear them?
LadyAra.My Lord, you can't imagine how accounts make my head ake.
LordLove.That won't do. The steward gave you two hundred pounds besides, but last week; where's that?
LadyAra.Gone!
LordLove.Gone! where?
LadyAra.Half the town over, I believe, by this time.
LordLove.Madam, Madam, this can be endured no longer, and before a month passes expect to find me—
LadyAra.Hist, my Lord, here's company.
Enter CaptainToupee.
CaptainToupee, your servant: What, nobody with you? do you come quite alone?
Capt.'Slife, I thought to find company enough here. My Lord, your servant. What a deuce, you look as if you had been up all night. I'm sure I was in bed but three hours; I wou'd you'd give me some coffee.
LadyAra.Some coffee there; tea too, and chocolate.
Capt.[Singing a minuet and dancing.] Well, what a strange fellow am I to be thus brisk, after losing all my money last night——but upon my soul you look sadly.
LadyAra.No matter for that, if you'll let me win a little of your money this morning.
Capt.What with that face? Go, go wash it, go wash it, and put on some handsome things; you look'd a good likely woman last night; I would not much have cared if you had run five hundred pounds in my debt; but if I play with you this morning, I'gad I'd advise you to win; for I won't take your personal security at present for a guinea.
LordLove.To what a nauseous freedom do women of quality of late admit these trifling fops! and there's a morning exercise will give 'em claim to greater freedoms still. [Points to the hazard-table.] Some course must be taken.
[Exit.
Capt.What, is my Lord gone? he look'd methought as if he did not delight much in my company. Well, peace and plenty attend him for your Ladyship's sake, and those——who have now and then the honour to win a hundred pounds of you.
[Goes to the table singing, and throws.
LadyAra.[Twitching the box from him.] What, do you intend to win all the money upon the table——Seven's the main—Set me a million,Toupee.
Capt.I set you two, my queen—Six to seven.
Lady Ara.Six——the world's my own.
Both.Ha, ha, ha!
LadyAra.O that my Lord had spirit enough about him to let me play for a thousand pound a-night——But here comes country company——
Enter LadyHeadpiece, MissBetty, Mrs.Motherly, and ColonelCourtly.
Your servant, Madam, good-morrow to you.
LadyHead.And to you, Madam. We are come to breakfast with you. Lord, are you got to those pretty things already?
[Points to the dice.
LadyAra.You see we are not such idle folks in town as you country ladies take us to be; we are no sooner out of our beds, but we are at our work.
MissBetty.Will dear Lady Arabella give us leave, mother, to do a stitch or two with her?
[Takes the box and throws.
Capt.The pretty lively thing!
LadyAra.With all her heart; what says her mama?
LadyHead.She says she don't love to sit with her hands before her, when other people's are employed.
Capt.And this is the prettiest little sociable work, men and women can all do together at it.
LadyHead.Colonel, you are one with us, are you not?
LadyAra.O, I'll answer for him, he'll be out at nothing.
Capt.In a facetious way; he is the politest person; he will lose his money to the ladies so civilly, and will win theirs with so much good breeding; and he will be so modest to 'em before company, and so impudent to 'em in a dark corner. Ha! colonel!
LadyHead.So I found him, I'm sure, last night——Mercy on me, an ounce of virtue less than I had, and SirFrancishad been undone.
Capt.Colonel, I smoke you.
Col.And a fine character you give the ladies of me, to help me.
Capt.I give 'em just the character of you they like, modest and brave. Come, ladies, to business; look to your money, every woman her hand upon her purse.
MissBetty.Here's mine, captain.
Capt.O the little soft velvet one—and it's as full—Come, Lady Blowse, rattle your dice and away with 'em.
LadyAra.Six——at all——five to six——Five——Eight——at all again——Nine to eight——Nine——
Enter SirFrancis, and stands gazing at 'em.
Seven's the main——at all for ever.
[Throws out.
MissBetty.Now, mama, let's see what you can do.
[LadyHeadpiecetakes the box.
LadyHead.Well, I'll warrant you, daughter——
MissBetty.If you do, I'll follow a good example.
LadyHead.Eight's the main——don't spare me, gentlemen, I fear you not——have at you all——seven to eight——seven.
Capt.Eight, Lady, eight——Five pounds if you please.
LadyAra.Three, kinswoman.
Col.Two, Madam.
MissBetty.And one for Miss, Mama——and now let's see what I can do. [Aside.] If I should win enough this morning to buy me another new gown—O bless me! there they go——seven——come, captain, set me boldly, I want to be at a handful.
Capt.There's two for you, miss.
MissBetty.I'll at 'em, tho' I die for't.
SirFran.Ah, my poor child, take care.
[Runs to stop the throw.
MissBetty.There.
Capt.Out—twenty pound], young lady.
SirFran.False dice, Sir.
Capt.False dice, Sir? I scorn your words——twenty pounds, Madam.
MissBetty.Undone, undone!
SirFran.She shan't pay you a farthing, Sir; I won't have miss cheated.
Capt.Cheated, Sir?
LadyHead.What do you mean, SirFrancis, to disturb the company, and abuse the gentleman thus?
SirFran.I mean to be in a passion.
LadyHead.And why will you be in a passion, SirFrancis?
SirFran.Because I came here to breakfast with my Lady there, before I went down to the house, expecting to find my family set round a civil table with her, upon some plumb-cake, hot rolls, and a cup of strong beer; instead of which, I find these good women staying their stomachs with a box and dice, and that man there, with a strange perriwig, making a good hearty meal upon my wife and daughter.——
Cætera desunt.