EnterBrassandFlippanta.
Brass.Well, you agree I'm in the right, don't you?
Flip.I don't know; if your master has the estate he talks of, why not do't all above-board? Well, tho' I am not much of his mind, I'm much in his interest, and will therefore endeavour to serve him in his own way.
Brass.That's kindly said, my child, and I believe I shall reward thee one of these days, with as pretty a fellow to thy husband for't, as——
Flip.Hold your prating, Jack-a-dandy, and leave me to my business.
Brass.I obey—adieu. [Kisses her.]
[ExitBrass.
Flip.Rascal!
EnterCorinna.
Cor.Ah,Flippanta, I'm ready to sink down, my legs tremble under me, my dearFlippy.
Flip.And what's the affair?
Cor.My father's there within, with my mother andAraminta; I never saw him in so good a humour in my life.
Flip.And is that it that frightens you so?
Cor.Ah,Flippanta, they are just going to speak to him, about my marrying the Colonel.
Flip.Are they so? so much the worse; they're too hasty.
Cor.O no, not a bit: I slipt out on purpose, you must know, to give them an opportunity; wou'd 'twere done already.
Flip.I tell you no; get you in again immediately, and prevent it.
Cor.My dear, dear, I am not able; I never was in such a way before.
Flip.Never in a way to be marry'd before, ha? is not that it?
Cor.Ah, Lord, if I'm thus before I come to't,Flippanta, what shall I be upon the very spot? Do but feel with what a thumpaty thump it goes.
[Putting her hand to her heart.
Flip.Nay it does make a filthy bustle, that's the truth on't, child. But I believe I shall make it leap another way, when I tell you, I'm cruelly afraid your father won't consent, after all.
Cor.Why, he won't be the death of o'me, will he?
Flip.I don't know, old folk are cruel; but we'll have a trick for him.Brassand I have been consulting upon the matter, and agreed upon a surer way of doing it in spite of his teeth.
Cor.Ay, marry, Sir, that were something.
Flip.But then he must not know a word of any thing towards it.
Cor.No, no.
Flip.So, get you in immediately.
Cor.One, two, three and away.
[Running off.
Flip.And prevent your mother's speaking on't.
Cor.But is t'other way sure,Flippanta?
Flip.Fear nothing, 'twill only depend upon you.
Cor.Nay then——O ho, ho, ho, how pure that is!
[ExitCorinna.
Flippantasola.
Poor child! we may do what we will with her, as far as marrying her goes; when that's over, 'tis possible she mayn't prove altogether so tractable. But who's here? my sharper, I think: yes.
EnterMoney-trap.
Mon.Well, my best friend, how go matters? Has the restitution been received, ha? Was she pleas'd with it?
Flip.Yes, truly; that is, she was pleas'd to see there was so honest a man in this immoral age.
Mon.Well, but a——does she know that 'twas I that——
Flip.Why, you must know I begun to give her a little sort of a hint, and——and so——why, and so she begun to put on a sort of a severe, haughty, reserv'd, angry, forgiving air. But soft; here she comes: you'll see how you stand with her presently: but don't be afraid. Courage.
Mon.He, hem.
EnterClarissa.
'Tis no small piece of good fortune, Madam, to find you at home: I have often endeavour'd it in vain.
Clar.'Twas then unknown to me, for if I cou'd often receive the visits of so good a friend at home, I shou'd be more reasonably blam'd for being so much abroad.
Mon.Madam, you make me——
Clar.You are the man of the world whose company I think is most to be desir'd. I don't compliment you when I tell you so, I assure you.
Mon.Alas, Madam, your poor humble servant——
Clar.My poor humble servant however (with all the esteem I have for him) stands suspected with me for a vile trick, I doubt he has play'd me, which if I could prove upon him, I'm afraid I should punish him very severely.
Mon.I hope, Madam, you'll believe I am not capable of——
Clar.Look you, look you, you are capable of whatever you please, you have a great deal of wit, and know how to give a nice and gallant turn to every thing; but if you will have me continue your friend, you must leave me in some uncertainty in this matter.
Mon.Madam, I do then protest to you——
Clar.Come protest nothing about it, I am but too penetrating, as you may perceive; but we sometimes shut our eyes, rather than break with our friends; for a thorough knowledge of the truth of this business, wou'd make me very seriously angry.
Mon.'Tis very certain, Madam, that——
Clar.Come, say no more on't, I beseech you, for I'm in a good deal of heat while I but think on't; if you'll walk in, I'll follow you presently.
Mon.Your goodness, Madam, is——
Flip.War, horse.
[Aside toMoney-trap.
No fine speeches, you'll spoil all.
Mon.Thou art a most incomparable person.
Flip.Nay, it goes rarely; but get you in, and I'll say a little something to my Lady for you, while she's warm.
Mon.But S't,Flippanta, how long do'st think she may hold out?
Flip.Phu, not a Twelvemonth.
Mon.Boo.
Flip.Away, I say.
[Pushing him out.
Clar.Is he gone? What a wretch it is! he never was quite such a beast before.
Flip.Poor mortal, his money's finely laid out truly.
Clar.I suppose there may have been much such another scene within betweenAramintaand my dear: but I left him so insupportably brisk, 'tis impossible he can have parted with any money: I'm afraidBrasshas not succeeded as thou hast done,Flippanta.
Flip.By my faith but he has, and better too; he presents his humble duty toAraminta, and has sent her——this.
[Shewing the note.
Clar.A bill for my love for two hundred and fifty pounds. The monster! he wou'd not part with ten to save his lawful wife from everlasting torment.
Flip.Never complain of his avarice, Madam, as long as you have his money.
Clar.But is not he a beast,Flippanta? methinks the restitution look'd better by half.
Flip.Madam, the man's beast enough, that's certain; but which way will you go to receive his beastly money, for I must not appear with his note?
Clar.That's true; why send for Mrs.Amlet; that's a mighty useful woman, that Mrs.Amlet.
Flip.Marry is she; we shou'd have been basely puzzled how to dispose of the necklace without her, 'twould have been dangerous offering it to sale.
Clar.It wou'd so, for I know your master has been laying out for't amongst the goldsmiths. But I stay here too long. I must in and coquet it a little more to my lover,Aramintawill get ground on me else.
[ExitClarissa.
Flip.And I'll go send for Mrs.Amlet.
[ExitFlip.
Araminta,Corinna,Gripe, andMoney-trapat a tea-table, very gay and laughing.Clarissacomes in to 'em.
Omnes.Ha! ha! ha! ha!
Mon.Mighty well, O mighty well indeed!
Clar.Save you, save you good folks, you are all in rare humour methinks.
Gripe.Why, what shou'd we be otherwise for, Madam?
Clar.Nay, I don't know, not I, my dear; but I han't had the happiness of seeing you since our honey-moon was over, I think.
Gripe.Why to tell you the truth, my dear, 'tis the joy of seeing you at home; [Kisses her.] You see what charms you have, when you are pleased to make use of 'em.
Aram.Very gallant truly.
Clar.Nay, and what's more, you must know, he's never to be otherwise henceforwards; we have come to an agreement about it.
Mon.Why, here's my love and I have been upon just such another treaty too.
Aram.Well, sure there's some very peaceful star rules at present. Pray heaven continue its reign.
Mon.Pray do you continue its reign, you ladies; for 'tis all in your power.
[Leering atClarissa.
Gripe.My neighbourMoney-trapsays true at least I'll confess frankly [OglingAraminta.] 'tis in one lady's power to make me the best-humour'd man on earth.
Mon.And I'll answer for another, that has the same over me.
[OglingClarissa.
Clar.'Tis mighty fine, gentlemen, mighty civil husbands indeed.
Gripe.Nay, what I say's true, and so true, that all quarrels being now at an end, I am willing, if you please, to dispense with all that fine company we talk'd of to-day, be content with the friendly conversation of our two good neighbours here, and spend all my toying hours alone with my sweet wife.
Mon.Why, truly, I think now, if these good women pleas'd, we might make up the prettiest little neighbourly company between our two families, and set a defiance to all the impertinent people in the world.
[Aside.
Clar.The rascals!
Aram.Indeed I doubt you'd soon grow weary, if we grew fond.
Gripe.Never, never, for our wives have wit, neighbour, and that never palls.
Clar.And our husbands have generosity,Araminta, and that seldom palls.
Gripe.So that's a wipe for me now, because I did not give her a new-year's gift last time; but be good, and I'll think of some tea-cups for you, next year.
Mon.And perhaps I mayn't forget a fan, or as good a thing——hum, hussy.
Clar.Well, upon these encouragements,Araminta, we'll try how good we can be.
Gripe.Well, this goes most rarely: poorMoney-trap, he little thinks what makes his wife so easy in his company.
[Aside.
Mon.I can but pity poor neighbourGripe. Lard, Lard, what a fool does his wife and I make of him?
[Aside.
Clar.Are not these two wretched rogues,Araminta?
[Aside toAraminta.
Aram.They are indeed.
[Aside toClarissa.
EnterJessamin.
Jess.Sir, here's Mr.Clip, the goldsmith, desires to speak with you.
Gripe.Cods so, perhaps some news of your necklace, my dear.
Clar.That would be news indeed.
Gripe.Let him come in.
Enter Mr.Clip.
Gripe.Mr.Clip, your servant, I'm glad to see you: how do you do?
Clip.At your service, Sir, very well. Your servant, MadamGripe.
Clar.Horrid fellow!
[Aside.
Gripe.Well, Mr.Clip, no news yet of my wife's necklace?
Clip.If you please to let me speak with you in the next room, I have something to say to you.
Gripe.Ay, with all my heart. Shut the door after us. [They come forward, and the Scene shuts behind them.] Well, any news?
Clip.Look you, Sir, here's a necklace brought me to sell, at least very like that you describ'd to me.
Gripe.Let's see't——Victoria! the very same. Ah my dearMr. Clip——[Kisses him.] But who brought it you? you should have seiz'd him.
Clip.'Twas a young fellow that I know: I can't tell whether he may be guilty, tho' its like enough. But he has only left it me now, to shew a brother of our trade, and will call upon me again presently.
Gripe.Wheedle him hither, dear Mr.Clip. Here's my neighbourMoney-trapin the house; he's a justice, and will commit him presently.
Clip.'Tis enough.
EnterBrass.
Gripe.O, my friendBrass!
Brass.Hold, Sir, I think that's a gentleman I'm looking for. Mr.Clip, O your servant; what, are you acquainted here? I have just been at your shop.
Clip.I only stept here to shew Mr.Gripethe necklace you left.
Brass.Why, Sir, you understand jewels? [To Gripe.] I thought you had dealt only in gold. But I smoak the matter; hark you——a word in your ear——you are going to play the gallant again, and make a purchase on't forAraminta; ha, ha?
Gripe.Where had you the necklace?
Brass.Look you, don't trouble yourself about that; it's in commission with me, and I can help you to a pennyworth on't.
Gripe.A pennyworth on't, villain?
[Strikes at him.
Brass.Villain! a hey, a hey. Is't you or me, Mr.Clip, he's pleas'd to compliment?
Clip.What do you think on't, Sir?
Brass.Think on't, now the devil fetch me if I know what to think on't.
Gripe.You'll sell a pennyworth, rogue! of a thing you have stol'n from me.
Brass.Stol'n! pray, Sir——what wine have you drank to-day? It has a very merry effect upon you.
Gripe.You villain; either give me an account how you stole it, or——
Brass.O ho, Sir, if you please, don't carry your jest too far, I don't understand hard words, I give you warning on't: if you han't a mind to buy the necklace, you may let it alone, I know how to dispose on't. What a pox!——
Gripe.O, you shan't have that trouble, Sir. Dear Mr.Clip, you may leave the necklace here. I'll call at your shop, and thank you for your care.
Clip.Sir, your humble servant.
[Going.
Brass.O ho, Mr.Clip, if you please, Sir, this won't do, [Stopping him.] I don't understand rallery in such matters.
Clip.I leave it withMr Gripe, do you and he dispute it.
[ExitClip.
Brass.Ay, but 'tis from you, by your leave, Sir, that I expect it.
[Going after him.
Gripe.You expect, you rogue, to make your escape, do you? But I have other accounts besides this, to make up with you. To be sure the dog has cheated me of two hundred and fifty pounds. Come, villain, give me an account of——
Brass.Account of!—--Sir, give me an account of my necklace, or I'll make such a noise in your house, I'll raise the devil in't.
Gripe.Well said, courage.
Brass.Blood and thunder, give it me, or——
Gripe.Come, hush, be wise, and I'll make no noise of this affair.
Brass.You'll make no noise! But I'll make a noise; and a damn'd noise too. O, don't think to——
Gripe.I tell thee I will not hang thee.
Brass.But I tell you I will hang you, if you don't give me my necklace, I will, rot me.
Gripe.Speak softly, be wise; how came it thine? who gave it thee?
Brass.A gentleman, a friend of mine.
Gripe.What's his name?
Brass.His name!—--I'm in such a passion I have forgot it.
Gripe.Ah, brazen rogue——thou hast stole it from my wife: 'tis the same she lost six weeks ago.
Brass.This has not been inEnglanda month.
Gripe.You are a son of a whore.
Brass.Give me my necklace.
Gripe.Give me my two hundred and fifty pound note.
Brass.Yet I offer peace: one word without passion. The case stands thus, either I'm out of my wits, or you are out of yours: now 'tis plain I am not out of my wits,Ergo——
Gripe.My bill, hang-dog, or I'll strangle thee.
[They struggle.
Brass.Murder, murder!
EnterClarissa,Araminta,Corinna,Flippanta, andMoney-trap.
Flip.What's the matter? What's the matter here?
Gripe.I'll matter him.
Clar.Who makes thee cry out thus, poorBrass?
Brass.Why, your husband, Madam, he's in his altitudes here.
Gripe.Robber.
Brass.Here, he has cheated me of a diamond necklace.
Cor.Who, Papa? Ah dear me!
Clar.Pr'ythee what's the meaning of this great emotion, my dear?
Gripe.The meaning is that——I'm quite out of breath——this son of a whore has got our necklace, that's all.
Clar.My necklace!
Gripe.That birdlime there—stole it.
Clar.Impossible!
Brass.Madam, you see master's a little——touch'd, that's all. Twenty ounces of blood let loose, wou'd set all right again.
Gripe.Here, call a constable presently. NeighbourMoney-trap, you'll commit him.
Brass.D'ye hear? d'ye hear? See how wild helooks: how his eyes roll in his head: tye him down, or he'll do some mischief or other.
Gripe.Let me come at him.
Clar.Hold——pr'ythee, my dear, reduce things to a little temperance, and let us coolly into the secret of this disagreeable rupture.
Gripe.Well then, without passion; why, you must know, (but I'll have him hang'd) you must know that he came to Mr.Clip, to Mr.Clipthe dog did——with a necklace to sell; so Mr.Cliphaving notice before that (can you deny this, Sirrah?) that you had lost yours, brings it to me: Look at it here, do you know it again? Ah, you traitor.
[ToBrass.
Brass.He makes me mad. Here's an appearance of something now to the company, and yet nothing in't in the bottom.
Enter Constable.
Clar.Flippanta!
[Aside toFlippanta, shewing the necklace.
Flip.'Tis it, faith; here's some mystery in this, we must look about us.
Clar.The safest way is point blank to disown the necklace.
Flip.Right, stick to that.
Gripe.Well, Madam, do you know your old acquaintance, ha?
Clar.Why, truly, my dear, tho' (as you may all imagine) I shou'd be very glad to recover so valuable a thing as my necklace, yet I must be just to all the world, this necklace is not mine.
Brass.Huzza——here constable do your duty; Mr. Justice, I demand my necklace, and satisfaction of him.
Gripe.I'll die before I part with it, I'll keep it, and have him hang'd.
Clar.But be a little calm, my dear, do my bird, and then thou'lt be able to judge rightly of things.
Gripe.O good lack, O good lack.
Clar.No, but don't give way to fury and interest both, either of 'em are passions strong enough to lead awise man out of the way. The necklace not being really mine, give it the man again, and come drink a dish of tea.
Brass.Ay, Madam says right.
Gripe.Oons, if you with your addle head don't know your own jewels, I with my solid one do. And if I part with it, may famine be my portion.
Clar.But don't swear and curse thyself at this fearful rate; don't, my dove: Be temperate in your words, and just in all your actions, 'twill bring a blessing upon you and all your family.
Gripe.Bring thunder and lightning upon me and my family, if I part with my necklace.
Clar.Why, you'll have the lightning burn your house about your ears, my dear, it you go on in these practices.
Mon.A most excellent woman this!
[Aside.
Enter Mrs.Amlet.
Gripe.I'll keep my necklace.
Brass.Will you so? then here comes one has a title to it, if I han't; letDickbring himself off with her as he can. Mrs.Amlet, you are come in very good time, you lost a necklace t'other day, and who do you think has got it?
Aml.Marry, that I know not, I wish I did.
Brass.Why then here's Mr.Gripehas it, and swears 'tis his wife's.
Gripe.And so I do, sirrah——look here, Mistress, do you pretend this is yours?
Aml.Not for the round world I wou'd not say it; I only kept it to do Madam a small courtesy? that's all.
Clar.Ah,Flippanta, all will out now.
[Aside toFlip.
Gripe.Courtesy! what courtesy?
Aml.A little money only that madam had present need of, please to pay me that, and I demand no more.
Brass.So here's fresh game, I have started a new hare, I find.
[Aside.
Gripe.How forsooth, is this true?
[ToClarissa.
Clar.You are in a humour at present, love, to believe any thing, so I won't take the pains to contradict it.
Brass.This damn'd necklace will spoil all our affairs, this isDick's luck again.
[Aside.
Gripe.Are you not asham'd of these ways? Do you see how you are expos'd before your best friends here? don't you blush at it?
Clar.I do blush, my dear, but 'tis for you, that here it shou'd appear to the world, you keep me so bare of money, I'm forc'd to pawn my jewels.
Gripe.Impudent houswife!
[Raising his hand to strike her.
Clar.Softly, chicken: you might have prevented all this by giving me the two hundred and fifty pounds you sent toAramintae'en now.
Brass.You see, Sir, I deliver'd your note: how I have been abus'd to-day!
Gripe.I'm betray'd——jades on both sides, I see that.
[Aside.
Mon.But, Madam, Madam, is this true I hear? Have you taken a present of two hundred and fifty pounds? Pray what were you to return for these pounds, Madam, ha?
Aram.Nothing, my dear, I only took 'em to reimburse you of about the same sum you sent toClarissa.
Mon.Hum, hum, hum.
Gripe.How, gentlewoman, did you receive money from him?
Clar.O, my dear, 'twas only in jest, I knew you'd give it again to his wife.
Aml.But amongst all this tintamar, I don't hear a word of my hundred pounds. Is it Madam will pay me, or Master?
Gripe.I pay, the Devil shall pay.
Clar.Look you, my dear, malice apart, pay Mrs.Amlether money, and I'll forgive you the wrong you intended my bed withAraminta: Am not I a good wife now?
Gripe.I burst with rage, and will get rid of this noose, tho' I tuck myself up in another.
Mon.Nay, pray, e'en tuck me up with you.
[ExitMon.andGripe.
Clar. & Aram.B'ye, dearies.
EnterDick.
Cor.Look, look,Flippanta, here's the colonel come at last.
Dick.Ladies, I ask your pardon, I have stay'd so long, but——
Aml.Ah rogue's face, have I got thee, old Good-for-nought? sirrah, sirrah, do you think to amuse me with your marriages, and your great fortunes? Thou hast play'd me a rare prank by my conscience. Why you ungracious rascal, what do you think will be the end of all this? Now Heaven forgive me, but I have a great mind to hang thee for't.
Cor.She talks to him very familiarly,Flippanta.
Flip.So methinks, by my faith.
Brass.Now the rogue's star is making an end of him.
[Aside.
Dick.What shall I do with her?
[Aside.
Aml.Do but look at him, my dames, he has the countenance of a cherubim, but he's a rogue in his heart.
Clar.What is the meaning of all this, Mrs.Amlet?
Aml.The meaning, good lack! Why this all-to-be powder'd rascal here, is my son, an't please you; ha, graceless? Now I'll make you own your mother, vermine.
Clar.What, the colonel your son?
Aml.'TisDick, Madam, that rogueDick, I have so often told you of, with tears trickling down my old cheeks.
Aram.The woman's mad, it can never be.
Aml.Speak, rogue, am I not thy mother, ha? Did I not bring thee forth? say then.
Dick.What will you have me say? you had a mind to ruin me, and you have done't; wou'd you do any more?
Clar.Then, sir, you are son to good Mrs.Amlet?
Aram.And have had the assurance to put upon us all this while?
Flip.And the confidence to think of marryingCorinna.
Brass.And the impudence to hire me for your servant, who am as well born as yourself.
Clar.Indeed I think he shou'd be corrected.
Aram.Indeed I think he deserves to be cudgell'd.
Flip.Indeed I think he might be pumpt.
Brass.Indeed I think he will be hang'd.
Aml.Good lack-a-day, good lack-a-day! there's no need to be so smart upon him neither: if he is not a gentleman, he's a gentleman's fellow. Come hither,Dick, they shan't run thee down neither: cock up thy hat,Dick, and tell them tho' Mrs.Amletis thy mother, she can make thee amends, with ten thousand good pounds to buy thee some lands, and build thee a house in the midst on't.
Omnes.How!
Clar.Ten thousand pounds, Mrs.Amlet?
Aml.Yes, forsooth; tho' I shou'd lose the hundred, you pawn'd your necklace for. Tell 'em that,Dick.
Cor.Look you,Flippanta, I can hold no longer, and I hate to see the young man abus'd. And so, Sir, if you please, I'm your friend and servant, and what's mine is yours; and when our estates are put together, I don't doubt but we shall do as well as the best of 'em.
Dick.Say'st thou so, my little queen? Why then if dear mother will give us her blessing, the parson shall give us a tack. We'll get her a score of grand-children, and a merry house we'll make her.
[They kneel to Mrs.Amlet.
Aml.Ah——ha, ha, ha, the pretty pair, the pretty pair! rise my chickens, rise, rise and face the proudest of them. And if Madam does not deign to give her consent, a fig for herDick——Why how now?
Clar.Pray, Mrs.Amlet, don't be in a passion, the girl is my husband's girl, and if you can have his consent, upon my word you shall have mine, for any thing that belongs to him.
Flip.Then all is peace again, but we have been more lucky than wise.
Aram.And I suppose, for us,Clarissa, we are to go on with our dears, as we us'd to do.
Clar.Just in the same track, for this late treaty of agreement with 'em, was so unnatural, you see it cou'd not hold. But 'tis just as well with us, as if it had. Well, 'tis a strange fate, good folks. But while you live, every thing gets well out of a broil, but a husband.