Never the paths of pleasure more to tread,But where your guarded innocence shall lead.For in the marriage-state the world must own,Divided happiness was never known.To make it mutual, nature points the way:Let husbands govern: gentle wives obey.
Never the paths of pleasure more to tread,But where your guarded innocence shall lead.For in the marriage-state the world must own,Divided happiness was never known.To make it mutual, nature points the way:Let husbands govern: gentle wives obey.
[Exit.
LordTown.So! here's a great deal of company.
LadyGrace.A great many people, my Lord, but no company——as you'll find——for here's one now, that seems to have a mind to entertain us.
[A mask, after some affected gesture, makes up to LadyTownly.
Mask.Well, dear LadyTownly, shan't we see you, by-and-by?
LadyTown.I don't know you, Madam.
Mask.Don't you, seriously?
[In a squeaking tone.
LadyTown.Not I, indeed.
Mask.Well, that's charming; but can't you guess?
LadyTown.Yes, I could guess wrong, I believe.
Mask.That's what I'd have you to do.
LadyTown.But, Madam, if I don't know you at all, is not that as well?
Mask.Ay, but you do know me.
LadyTown.Dear sister, take her off o' my hands; there's no bearing this.
[Apart.
LadyGrace.I fancy I know you, Madam.
Mask.I fancy you don't: what makes you think you do?
LadyGrace.Because I have heard you talk.
Mask.Ay, but you don't know my voice, I'm sure.
LadyGrace.There is something in your wit and humour, Madam, so very much your own, it is impossible you can be any body but my LadyTrifle.
Mask.[Unmasking.] Dear Lady Grace! thou art a charming creature.
LadyGrace.Is there no body else we know here?
Mask.O dear, yes! I have found out fifty already.
LadyGrace.Pray who are they?
Mask.O, charming company! there's LadyRamble——LadyRiot——LadyKill-Care——LadySquander——LadyStrip——LadyPawn——and the Dutchess ofSingle-Guinea.
LordTown.Is it not hard, my dear! that people of sense and probity are sometimes forc'd to seem fond of such company?Apart.LadyTown.My Lord, it will always give me pain to remember their acquaintance, but none to drop it immediately.
LadyGrace.But you have given us no account of the men, Madam. Are they good for any thing?
Mask.O yes! you must know, I always find out them by their endeavours to find out me.
LadyGrace.Pray who are they?
Mask.Why, for your men of tip-top wit and pleasure, about town, there's my Lord——Bite——LordArch-wag——YoungBrazen-wit——LordTimberdown——LordJoint-Life——and——LordMortgage. Then for your pretty fellows only——there's SirPowder-Peacock——LordLapwing——Billy Magpye——BeauFrightful——SirPaul Plaster-crown, and the Marquis ofMonkey-man.
LadyGrace.Right; and these are fine gentlemen that never want elbow-room at an assembly.
Mask.The rest I suppose, by their tawdry hired habits are tradesmens wives, inns-of-court beaus,Jews, and kept mistresses.
LordTown.An admirable collection!
LadyGrace.Well, of all our public diversions, I am amaz'd how this, that is so very expensive, and has so little to shew for it, can draw so much company together.
LordTown.O! if it were not expensive, the better sort would not come into it: and because money can purchase a ticket, the common people scorn to be kept out of it.
Mask.Right, my Lord, poor Lady Grace! I suppose you are under the same astonishment, that an opera should draw so much good company.
LadyGrace.Not at all, Madam; it is an easier matter sure to gratify the ear, than the understanding. But have you no notion, Madam, of receiving pleasure and profit at the same time?
Mask.Oh! quite none! unless it be sometimes winning a great stake; laying down a Vole, sans prendre may come up, to the profitable pleasure you were speaking of.
LordTown.You seem attentive, my dear?Apart.LadyTown.I am, my Lord; and amaz'd at my own follies so strongly painted in another woman.
LadyGrace.But see, my Lord, we had best adjourn our debate, I believe, for here are some masks that seem to have a mind to divert other people as well as themselves.
LordTown.The least we can do is to give them a clear stage then.
[A dance of masks here in various characters.
This was a favour extraordinary.
EnterManly.
OManly! I thought we had lost you.
Man.I ask pardon, my Lord; but I have been oblig'd to look a little after my country family.
LordTown.Well, pray, what have you done with them?
Man.They are all in the house here, among the masks, my Lord; if your Lordship has curiosity enough, to step into a lower apartment, in three minutes I'll give you an ample account of them.
LordTown.O! by all means: we'll wait upon you.
[The scene shuts upon the masks to smaller apartments.
Manlyre-enters with SirFrancis Wronghead.
SirFran.Well, cousin, you have made my very hair stand on an end! Waunds! if what you tell me be true, I'll stuff my whole family into a stage-coach, and trundle them into the country onMondaymorning.
Man.Stick to that, Sir, and we may yet find a way to redeem all: in the mean time, place yourself behind this screen, and for the truth of what I have told you take the evidence of your own senses: but be sure you keep close till I give you the signal.
SirFran.Sir! I'll warrant you——Ah! my Lady, my LadyWronghead!What a bitter business have you drawn me into!
Man.Hush! to your post; here comes one couple already.
SirFrancisretires behind the screen.
[ExitManly.
EnterMyrtillawith SquireRichard.
Squ.Rich.What! is this the doctor's chamber?
Myr.Yes, yes, speak softly.
Squ.Rich.Well, but where is he?
Myr.He'll be ready for us presently, but he says he can't do us the good turn, without witnesses: so, when the Count and your sister come, you know he and you may be fathers for one another.
Squ.Rich.Well, well, tit for tat! ay, ay, that will be friendly.
Myr.And see! here they come.
Enter CountBasset, and MissJenny.
CountBas.So, so, here's your brother, and his bride, before us, my dear.
Jenny.Well, I vow my heart's at my mouth still! I thought I should never have got rid of Mama! butwhile she stood gaping on the dance, I gave her the slip! Lawd! do but feel how it beats here.
CountBas.O the pretty flutterer! I protest, my dear, you have put mine into the same palpitation!
Jenny.Ah! you say so——but let's see now——O lud! I vow it thumps purely—well, well, I see it will do, and so where's the parson?
CountBas.Mrs.Myrtilla, will you be so good as to see if the doctor's ready for us?
Myr.He only staid for you, Sir: I'll fetch him immediately.
[ExitMyrtilla.
Jenny.Pray, Sir, am not I to take place of Mama, when I am a countess?
CountBas.No doubt on't, my dear.
Jenny.O lud how her back will be up then, when she meets me at an assembly! or you and I in our coach and six, atHyde-Parktogether!
CountBas.Ay, or when she hears the box-keepers, at an Opera, call out—The Countess ofBasset'sservants!
Jenny.Well, I say it, that will be delicious! And then, mayhap, to have a fine gentleman with a star and what-d'ye-call-um ribbon, lead me to my chair, with his hat under his arm all the way! Hold up, says the chairman, and so, says I, my Lord, your humble servant. I suppose, Madam, says he, we shall see you at my LadyQuadrille's! Ay, ay, to be sure, my Lord, says I——So in swops me, with my hoop stuff'd up to my forehead! and away they trot, swing! swang! with my tassels dangling, and my flambeaux blazing, and——Oh! it's a charming thing to be a woman of quality!
CountBas.Well, I see that plainly, my dear, there's ne'er a Dutchess of 'em all will become an equipage like you.
Jenny.Well, well, do you find equipage, and I'll find airs, I warrant you.
[Sings.
Squ.Rich.Troth! I think this masquerading's the merriest game that ever I saw in my life! Thof, in my mind, and there were but a little wrestling, or cudgelplaying naw, it would help it hugely. But what a-rope makes the parson stay so?
CountBas.Oh! here he comes, I believe.
EnterMyrtillawith a constable.
Const.Well, Madam, pray which is the party that wants a spice of my office here?
Myr.That's the gentleman.
[Pointing to the Count.
CountBas.Hey-day! what in masquerade, doctor?
Const.Doctor! Sir, I believe you have mistaken your man: but if you are called CountBasset, I have abillet-douxin my hand for you, that will set you right presently.
CountBas.What the devil's the meaning of all this?
Const.Only my Lord Chief Justice's warrant against you for forgery, Sir.
CountBas.Blood and thunder!
Const.And so, Sir, if you please to pull off your fool's frock there, I'll wait upon you to the next Justice of peace immediately.
Jenny.O dear me! what's the matter?
[Trembling.
CountBas.O! nothing, only a masquerading frolic, my dear.
Squ.Rich.Oh oh! is that all?
SirFran.No, Sirrah! that is not all.
[SirFranciscoming softly behind the Squire, knocks him down with his cane.
EnterManly.
Squ.Rich.O lawd! O lawd! he has beaten my brains out!
Man.Hold, hold, SirFrancis, have a little mercy upon my poor godson, pray, Sir.
SirFran.Waunds, cousin, I han't patience.
CountBas.Manly! nay, then I'm blown to the devil.
[Aside.
Squ.Rich.O my head! my head!
Enter LadyWronghead.
LadyWrong.What's the matter here, gentlemen? for heav'ns sake! what, are you murd'ring my children?
Con.No, no, Madam! no murder! only a little suspicion of felony, that's all.
SirFran.[ToJenny.] And for you, Mrs.Hot-upon't, I could find in my heart to make you wear that habit, as long as you live, you jade you. Do you know, hussy, that you were within two minutes of marrying a pickpocket?
CountBas.So, so, all's out, I find.
[Aside.
Jenny.O the mercy! why, pray, Papa, is not the Count a man of quality then?
SirFran.O yes! one of the unhang'd ones, it seems.
LadyWrong.[Aside.] Married! O the confident thing! There was his urgent business then——slighted for her! I han't patience!—and for ought I know, I have been all this while making a friendship with a highwayman!
Man.Mr.Constable, secure that door there.
SirFran.Ah, my Lady! my Lady! this comes of your journey toLondon! but now I have a frolick of my own, Madam; therefore pack up your trumpery this very night, for the moment my horses are able to crawl, you and your brats shall make a journey into the country again.
LadyWrong.Indeed you are mistaken, SirFrancis——I shall not stir out of town yet, I promise you.
SirFran.Not stir! Waunds! madam——
Man.Hold, Sir!—if you'll give me leave a little—I fancy I shall prevail upon my Lady to think better on't.
SirFran.Ah? cousin, you are a friend indeed!
Man.[Apart to my Lady.] Look you, Madam, as to the favour you design'd me, in sending this spurious letter inclosed to my LadyGrace, all the revenge I have taken, is to have sav'd your son and daughter from ruin——Now if you will take them fairly and quietly into the country again, I will save your Ladyship from ruin.
LadyWrong.What do you mean, Sir?
Man.Why SirFrancis——shall never know what is in this letter; look upon it. How it came into my hands you shall know at leisure.
LadyWrong.Ha! mybillet-douxto the Count! and an appointment in it! I shall sink with confusion!
Man.What shall I say to SirFrancis, Madam?
LadyWrong.Dear Sir, I am in such a trembling! preserve my honour and I am all obedience!
[Apart toManly.
Man.SirFrancis——my Lady is ready to receive your commands for her journey whenever you please to appoint it.
SirFran.Ah cousin! I doubt I am obliged to you for it.
Man.Come, come, SirFrancis! take it as you find it. Obedience in a wife is a good thing, though it were never so wonderful——And now, Sir, we have nothing to do but dispose of this gentleman.
CountBas.Mr.Manly! Sir, I hope you won't ruin me.
Man.Did not you forge this note for five hundred pounds, Sir?
CountBas.Sir——I see you know the world, and therefore I shall not pretend to prevaricate——But it has hurt nobody yet, Sir! I beg you will not stigmatize me! since you have spoil'd my fortune in one family, I hope you won't be so cruel to a young fellow, as to put it out of my power, Sir, to make it in another, Sir!
Man.Look you, Sir, I have not much time to waste with you: but if you expect mercy yourself, you must show it to one you have been cruel to.
CountBas.Cruel, Sir!
Man.Have not you ruin'd this young woman?
CountBas.I, Sir!
Man.I know you have——therefore you can't blame her, if, in the fact you are charg'd with, she is a principal witness against you. However, you have one and one only chance to get off with. Marryher this instant——and you take off her evidence.
CountBas.Dear Sir!
Man.No words, Sir; a wife or amittimus.
CountBas.Lord, Sir! this is the most unmerciful mercy!
Man.A private penance, or a public one——constable.
CountBas.Hold, Sir, since you are pleas'd to give me my choice; I will not make so ill a compliment to the Lady, as not to give her the preference.
Man.It must be done this minute, Sir: the chaplain you expected is still within call.
CountBas.Well, Sir,——since it must be so——come, spouse——I am not the first of the fraternity that has run his head into one noose, to keep it out of another.
Myr.Come, Sir, don't repine: marriage is, at worst, but playing upon the square.
CountBas.Ay, but the worst of the match too, is the devil.
Man.Well, Sir, to let you see it is not so bad as you think it; as a reward for her honesty, in detecting your practices, instead of the forged bill you would have put upon her, there's a real one of five hundred pounds, to begin a new honey-moon with.
[Gives it to Myrtilla.
CountBas.Sir, this is so generous an act——
Man.No compliments, dear Sir,——I am not at leisure now to receive them: Mr.Constable, will you be so good as to wait upon this gentleman into the next room, and give this lady in marriage to him?
Const.Sir, I'll do it faithfully.
CountBas.Well! five hundred will serve to make a handsome push with, however.
[Exeunt Count,Myr.and Constable.
SirFran.And that I may be sure my family's rid of him for ever——come, my Lady, let's even take our children along with us, and be all witness of the ceremony.
[Exeunt SirFran, LadyWrong, Miss and Squire.
Man.Now, my Lord, you may enter.
Enter Lord and LadyTownly, and LadyGrace.
LordTown.So, Sir, I give you joy of your negotiation.
Man.You overheard it all, I presume?
LadyGrace.From first to last, Sir.
LordTown.Never were knaves and fools better dispos'd of.
Man.A sort of poetical justice, my Lord, not much above the judgment of a modern comedy.
LordTown.To heighten that resemblance, I think, sister, there only wants your rewarding the hero of the fable, by naming the day of his happiness.
LadyGrace.This day, to-morrow, every hour, I hope, of life to come, will shew I want not inclination to complete it.
Man.Whatever I may want, Madam, you will always find endeavours to deserve you.
LordTown.Then all are happy.
LadyTown.Sister! I give you joy! consummate as the happiest pair can boast.
In you methinks, as in a glass, I seeThe happiness that once advanc'd to me.So visible the bliss, so plain the way,How was it possible my sense could stray?But now, a convert, to this truth, I come,That married happiness is never found from home.
In you methinks, as in a glass, I seeThe happiness that once advanc'd to me.So visible the bliss, so plain the way,How was it possible my sense could stray?But now, a convert, to this truth, I come,That married happiness is never found from home.