[They look at one another for a moment.
Lady Frederick.
Well, let's look at these cards.
Fouldes.
First of all, there's this money you've got to raise.
Lady Frederick.
Well?
Fouldes.
This is my sister's suggestion.
Lady Frederick.
That means you don't much like it.
Fouldes.
If you'll refuse the boy and clear out—we'll give you forty thousand pounds.
Lady Frederick.
I suppose you'd be rather surprised if I boxed your ears.
Fouldes.
Now, look here, between you and me high falutin's rather absurd, don't you think so? You're in desperate want of money, and I don't suppose it would amuse you much to have a young hobbledehoy hanging about your skirts for the rest of your life.
Lady Frederick.
Very well, we'll have no high falutin! You may tell Lady Mereston that if I really wanted the money I shouldn't be such an idiot as to take forty thousand down when I can have fifty thousand a year for the asking.
Fouldes.
I told her that.
Lady Frederick.
You showed great perspicacity. Now for the second card.
Fouldes.
My dear, it's no good getting into a paddy over it.
Lady Frederick.
I've never been calmer in my life.
Fouldes.
You always had the very deuce of a temper. I suppose you've not given Charlie a sample of it yet, have you?
Lady Frederick.
[Laughing.] Not yet.
Fouldes.
Well, the second card's your reputation.
Lady Frederick.
But I haven't got any. I thought that such an advantage.
Fouldes.
You see Charlie is a young fool. He thinks you a paragon of all the virtues, and it's never occurred to him that you've rather gone the pace in your time.
Lady Frederick.
It's one of my greatest consolations to think that even a hundred horse-power racing motor couldn't be more rapid than I've been.
Fouldes.
Still it'll be rather a shock to Charlie when he hears that this modest flower whom he trembles to adore has....
Lady Frederick.
Very nearly eloped with his own uncle. But you won't tell him that story because you hate looking a perfect ass.
Fouldes.
Madam, when duty calls, Paradine Fouldes consents even to look ridiculous. But I was thinking of the Bellingham affair.
Lady Frederick.
Ah, of course, there's the Bellingham affair. I'd forgotten it.
Fouldes.
Nasty little business that, eh?
Lady Frederick.
Horrid.
Fouldes.
Don't you think it would choke him off?
Lady Frederick.
I think it very probable.
Fouldes.
Well, hadn't you better cave in?
Lady Frederick.
[Ringing the bell.] Ah, but you've not seen my cards yet. [A servant enters.] Tell my servant to bring down the despatch-box which is on my writing-table.
SERVANT.
Yes, miladi.
[Exit.
Fouldes.
What's up now?
Lady Frederick.
Well, four or five years ago I was staying at this hotel, and Mimi la Bretonne had rooms here.
Fouldes.
I never heard of the lady, but her name suggests that she had an affectionate nature.
Lady Frederick.
She was a little singer at the Folies Bergères, and she had the loveliest emeralds I ever saw.
Fouldes.
But you don't know Maud's.
Lady Frederick.
The late Lord Mereston had a passion for emeralds. He always thought they were such pure stones.
Fouldes.
[Quickly.] I beg your pardon?
Lady Frederick.
Well, Mimi fell desperately ill, and there was no one to look after her. Of course the pious English ladies in the hotel wouldn't go within a mile of her, so I went and did the usual thing, don't you know.
[Lady Frederick'sman comes in with a smalldespatch-box which he places on a table. Hegoes out.Lady Frederickas she talks,unlocks it.
Fouldes.
Thank God I'm a bachelor, and no ministering angel ever smoothes my pillow when I particularly want to be left alone.
Lady Frederick.
I nursed her more or less through the whole illness, and afterwards she fancied she owed me her worthless little life. She wanted to give me the precious emeralds, and when I refused was so heart-broken that I said I'd take one thing if I might.
Fouldes.
And what was that?
Lady Frederick.
A bundle of letters. I'd seen the address on the back of the envelope, and then I recognised the writing. I thought they'd be much safer in my hands than in hers. [She takes them out of the box and hands them toParadine.] Here they are.
[He looks and starts violently.
Fouldes.
89 Grosvenor Square. It's Mereston's writing. You don't mean? What! Ah, ah, ah. [He bursts into a shout of laughter.] The old sinner. And Mereston wouldn't have me in the house, if you please, because I was a dissolute libertine. And he was the president of the Broad Church Union. Good Lord, how often have I heard him say: "Gentlemen, I take my stand on the morality, the cleanliness and the purity of English Family Life." Oh, oh, oh.
Lady Frederick.
I've often noticed that the religious temperament is very susceptible to the charms of my sex.
Fouldes.
May I look?
Lady Frederick.
Well, I don't know. I suppose so.
Fouldes.
[Reading.] "Heart's delight".... And he signs himself, "your darling chickabiddy." The old ruffian.
Lady Frederick.
She was a very pretty little thing.
Fouldes.
I daresay, but thank heaven, I have some sense of decency left, and it outrages all my susceptibilities that a man in side-whiskers should call himself anybody's chickabiddy.
Lady Frederick.
Protestations of undying affection are never ridiculous when they are accompanied by such splendid emeralds.
Fouldes.
[Starting and growing suddenly serious.] And what about Maud?
Lady Frederick.
Well?
Fouldes.
Poor girl, it'd simply break her heart. He preached at her steadily for twenty years, and she worshipped the very ground he trod on. She'd have died of grief at his death except she felt it her duty to go on with his work.
Lady Frederick.
I know.
Fouldes.
By Jove, it's a good card. You were quite right to refuse the emeralds: these letters are twice as valuable.
Lady Frederick.
Would you like to burn them?
Fouldes.
Betsy!
Lady Frederick.
There's the stove. Put them in.
[He takes them up in both hands and hurries tothe stove. But he stops and brings themback, he throws them on the sofa.
Fouldes.
No, I won't.
Lady Frederick.
Why not?
Fouldes.
It's too dooced generous. I'll fight you tooth and nail, but it's not fair to take an advantage over me like that. You'll bind my hands with fetters.
Lady Frederick.
Very well. You've had your chance.
Fouldes.
But, by Jove, you must have a good hand to throw away a card like that. What have you got—a straight flush?
Lady Frederick.
I may be only bluffing, you know.
Fouldes.
Lord, it does me good to hear your nice old Irish brogue again.
Lady Frederick.
Faith, and does it?
Fouldes.
I believe you only put it on to get over people.
Lady Frederick.
[Smiling.] Begorrah, it's not easy to get over you.
Fouldes.
Lord, I was in love with you once, wasn't I?
Lady Frederick.
Not more than lots of other people have been.
Fouldes.
And you did treat me abominably.
Lady Frederick.
Ah, that's what they all said. But you got over it very well.
Fouldes.
I didn't. My digestion was permanently impaired by your brutal treatment.
Lady Frederick.
Is that why you went to Carlsbad afterwards instead of the Rocky Mountains?
Fouldes.
You may laugh, but the fact remains that I've only been in love once, and that was with you.
Lady Frederick.
[Smiling as she holds out her hand.] Good-night.
Fouldes.
For all that I'm going to fight you now for all I'm worth.
Lady Frederick.
I'm not frightened of you, Paradine.
Fouldes.
Good-night.
[As he goes out,Captain Montgomerieenters.
Lady Frederick.
[Yawning and stretching her arms.] Oh I'm so sleepy.
Captain Montgomerie.
I'm sorry for that. I wanted to have a talk with you.
Lady Frederick.
[Smiling.] I daresay I can keep awake for five minutes, you know—especially if you offer me a cigarette.
Captain Montgomerie.
Here you are.
[He hands her his case and lights her cigarette.
Lady Frederick.
[With a sigh.] Oh, what a comfort.
Captain Montgomerie.
I wanted to tell you, I had a letter this morning from my solicitor to say that he's just bought Crowley Castle on my behalf.
Lady Frederick.
Really. But it's a lovely place. You must ask me to come and stay.
Captain Montgomerie.
I should like you to stay there indefinitely.
Lady Frederick.
[With a quick look.] That's charming of you, but I never desert my London long.
Captain Montgomerie.
[Smiling.] I have a very nice house in Portman Square.
Lady Frederick.
[Surprised.] Really?
Captain Montgomerie.
And I'm thinking of going into Parliament at the next election.
Lady Frederick.
It appears to be a very delightful pastime to govern the British nation, dignified without being laborious.
Captain Montgomerie.
Lady Frederick, although I've been in the service I have rather a good head for business, and I hate beating about the bush. I wanted to ask you to marry me.
Lady Frederick.
It's nice of you not to make a fuss about it. I'm very much obliged but I'm afraid I can't.
Captain Montgomerie.
Why not?
Lady Frederick.
Well, you see, I don't know you.
Captain Montgomerie.
We could spend the beginning of our married life so usefully in making one another's acquaintance.
Lady Frederick.
It would be rather late in the day then to come to the conclusion that we couldn't bear the sight of one another.
Captain Montgomerie.
Shall I send my banker's book so that you may see that my antecedents are respectable and my circumstances—such as to inspire affection.
Lady Frederick.
I have no doubt it would be very interesting—but not to me.
[She makes as if to go.
Captain Montgomerie.
Ah, don't go yet. Won't you give me some reason?
Lady Frederick.
If you insist. I'm not in the least in love with you.
Captain Montgomerie.
D'you think that much matters?
Lady Frederick.
You're a friend of Gerald's, and he says you're a very good sort. But I really can't marry every one that Gerald rather likes.
Captain Montgomerie.
He said he'd put in a good word for me.
Lady Frederick.
If I ever marry again it shall be to please myself, not to please my brother.
Captain Montgomerie.
I hope I shall induce you to alter your mind.
Lady Frederick.
I'm afraid I can give you no hope of that.
Captain Montgomerie.
You know, when I determine to do a thing, I generally do it.
Lady Frederick.
That sounds very like a threat.
Captain Montgomerie.
You may take it as such if you please.
Lady Frederick.
And you've made up your mind that you're going to marry me?
Captain Montgomerie.
Quite.
Lady Frederick.
Well, I've made up mine that you shan't. So we're quits.
Captain Montgomerie.
Why don't you talk to your brother about it?
Lady Frederick.
Because it's no business of his.
Captain Montgomerie.
Isn't it? Ask him!
Lady Frederick.
What do you mean by that?
Captain Montgomerie.
Ask him? Good-night.
Lady Frederick.
Good-night. [He goes out.Lady Frederickgoes to the French window that leads to the terrace and calls.] Gerald!
Gerald.
Hulloa!
[He appears and comes into the room.
Lady Frederick.
Did you know that Captain Montgomerie was going to propose to me?
Gerald.
Yes.
Lady Frederick.
Is there any reason why I should marry him?
Gerald.
Only that I owe him nine hundred pounds.
Lady Frederick.
[Aghast.] Oh, why didn't you tell me?
Gerald.
You were so worried, I couldn't. Oh, I've been such a fool. I tried to make acoupfor Rose's sake.
Lady Frederick.
Is it a gambling debt?
Gerald.
Yes.
Lady Frederick.
[Ironically.] What they call a debt of honour?
Gerald.
I must pay it the day after to-morrow without fail.
Lady Frederick.
But that's the day my two bills fall due. And if you don't?
Gerald.
I shall have to send in my papers, and I shall lose Rosie. And then I shall blow out my silly brains.
Lady Frederick.
But who is the man?
Gerald.
He's the son of Aaron Levitzki, the money-lender.
Lady Frederick.
[Half-comic, half-aghast.] Oh lord!
END OF THE FIRST ACT
The scene is the same as inAct I.Admiral Carlisleis sleeping in an armchair with a handkerchief over his face.Roseis sitting on a grandfather's chair, andGeraldis leaning over the back.
Rose.
Isn't papa a perfectly adorable chaperon?
[TheAdmiralsnores.
Gerald.
Perfectly.
[A pause.
Rose.
I've started fifteen topics of conversation in the last quarter of an hour, Gerald.
Gerald.
[Smiling.] Have you?
Rose.
You always agree with me, and there's an end of it. So I have to rack my brains again.
Gerald.
All you say is so very wise and sensible. Of course I agree.
Rose.
I wonder if you'll think me sensible and wise in ten years.
Gerald.
I'm quite sure I shall.
Rose.
Why, then, I'm afraid we shan't cultivate any great brilliancy of repartee.
Gerald.
Be good, sweet maid, and let who will be clever.
Rose.
Oh, don't say that. When a man's in love, he at once makes a pedestal of the Ten Commandments and stands on the top of them with his arms akimbo. When a woman's in love she doesn't care two straws for Thou Shalt and Thou Shalt Not.
Gerald.
When a woman's in love she can put her heart on the slide of a microscope and examine how it beats. When a man's in love, what do you think he cares for science and philosophy and all the rest of it!
Rose.
When a man's in love he can only write sonnets to the moon. When a woman's in love she can still cook his dinner and darn her own stockings.
Gerald.
I wish you wouldn't cap all my observations.
[She lifts up her face, and he kisses her lips.
Rose.
I'm beginning to think you're rather nice, you know.
Gerald.
That's reassuring, at all events.
Rose.
But no one could accuse you of being a scintillating talker.
Gerald.
Have you ever watched the lovers in the Park sitting on the benches hour after hour without saying a word?
Rose.
Why?
Gerald.
Because I've always thought that they must be bored to the verge of tears. Now I know they're only happy.
Rose.
You're certainly my soldier, so I suppose I'm your nursery-maid.
Gerald.
You know, when I was at Trinity College, Dublin——
Rose.
[Interrupting.] Were you there? I thought you went to Oxford.
Gerald.
No, why?
Rose.
Only all my people go to Magdalen.
Gerald.
Yes.
Rose.
And I've decided that if I ever have a son he shall go there too.
[TheAdmiralstarts and pulls the handkerchiefoff his face. The others do not notice him.He is aghast and astounded at the conversation.Lady Frederickcomes in later andstands smiling as she listens.
Gerald.
My darling, you know I hate to thwart you in any way, but I've quite made up my mind that my son shall go to Dublin as I did.
Rose.
I'm awfully sorry, Gerald, but the boy must be educated like a gentleman.
Gerald.
There I quite agree, Rose, but first of all he's an Irishman, and it's right that he should be educated in Ireland.
Rose.
Darling Gerald, a mother's love is naturally the safest guide in these things.
Gerald.
Dearest Rose, a father's wisdom is always the most reliable.
Lady Frederick.
Pardon my interfering, but—aren't you just a little previous?
Admiral.
[Bursting out.] Did you ever hear such a conversation in your life between a young unmarried couple?
Rose.
My dear papa, we must be prepared for everything.
Admiral.
In my youth young ladies did not refer to things of that sort.
Lady Frederick.
Well, I don't suppose they're any the worse for having an elementary knowledge of natural history. Personally I doubt whether ignorance is quite the same thing as virtue, and I'm not quite sure that a girl makes a better wife because she's been brought up like a perfect fool.
Admiral.
I am old-fashioned, Lady Frederick; and my idea of a modest girl is that when certain topics are mentioned she should swoon. Swoon, madam, swoon. They always did it when I was a lad.
Rose.
Well, father, I've often tried to faint when I wanted something that you wouldn't give me, and I've never been able to manage it. So I'm sure I couldn't swoon.
Admiral.
And with regard to this ridiculous discussion as to which University your son is to be sent, you seem to forget that I have the right to be consulted.
Gerald.
My dear Admiral, I don't see how it can possibly matter to you.
Admiral.
And before we go any further I should like you to know that the very day Rose was born I determined that her son should go to Cambridge.
Rose.
My dear papa, I think Gerald and I are far and away the best judges of our son's welfare.
Admiral.
The boy must work, Rose. I will have no good-for-nothing as my grandson.
Gerald.
Exactly. And that is why I'm resolved he shall go to Dublin.
Rose.
The important thing is that he should have really nice manners, and that they teach at Oxford if they teach nothing else.
Lady Frederick.
Well, don't you think you'd better wait another twenty years or so before you discuss this?
Admiral.
There are some matters which must be settled at once, Lady Frederick.
Lady Frederick.
You know, young things are fairly independent nowadays. I don't know what they'll be in twenty years' time.
Gerald.
The first thing the boy shall learn is obedience.
Rose.Certainly. There's nothing so hateful as a disobedient child.
Admiral.
I can't see my grandson venturing to disobey me.
Lady Frederick.
Then you're all agreed. So that's settled. I came to tell you your carriage was ready.
Admiral.
Go and put on your bonnet, Rose. [ToLady Frederick.] Are you coming with us?
Lady Frederick.
I'm afraid I can't. Au revoir.
Admiral.
A tout à l'heure.
[He andRosego out.
Gerald.
Have you ever seen in your life any one so entirely delightful as Rose?
Lady Frederick.
[Laughing.] Only when I've looked in the glass.
Gerald.
My dear Elizabeth, how vain you are.
Lady Frederick.
You're very happy, my Gerald.
Gerald.
It's such a relief to have got over all the difficulties. I thought it never would come right. You are a brick, Elizabeth.
Lady Frederick.
I really think I am rather.
Gerald.
The moment you promised to arrange things I felt as safe as a house.
Lady Frederick.
I said I'd do my best, didn't I? And I told you not to worry.
Gerald.
[Turning round suddenly.] Isn't it all right?
Lady Frederick.
No, it's about as wrong as it can possibly be. I knew Cohen was staying here, and I thought I could get him to hold the bills over for a few days.
Gerald.
And won't he?
Lady Frederick.
He hasn't got them any more.
Gerald.
[Startled.] What!
Lady Frederick.
They've been negotiated, and he swears he doesn't know who has them.
Gerald.
But who could have been such a fool?
Lady Frederick.
I don't know, that's just the awful part of it. It was bad enough before. I knew the worst Cohen could do, but now.... It couldn't be Paradine.
Gerald.
And then there's Montgomerie.
Lady Frederick.
I shall see him to-day.
Gerald.
What are you going to say to him?
Lady Frederick.
I haven't an idea. I'm rather frightened of him.
Gerald.
You know, dear, if the worst comes to the worst....
Lady Frederick.
Whatever happens you shall marry Rose. I promise you that.
[Paradine Fouldesappears.
Fouldes.
May I come in?
Lady Frederick.
[Gaily.] It's a public room. I don't see how we can possibly prevent you.
Gerald.
I'm just going to take a stroll.
Lady Frederick.
Do.
[He goes out.
Fouldes.
Well? How are things going?
Lady Frederick.
Quite well, thank you.
Fouldes.
I've left Charlie with his mother. I hope you can spare him for a couple of hours.
Lady Frederick.
I told him he must spend the afternoon with her. I don't approve of his neglecting his filial duty.
Fouldes.
Ah!... I saw Dick Cohen this morning.
Lady Frederick.
[Quickly.] Did you?
Fouldes.
It seems to interest you?
Lady Frederick.
Not at all. Why should it?
Fouldes.
[Smiling.] Nice little man, isn't he?
Lady Frederick.
[Good humouredly.] I wish I had something to throw at you.
Fouldes.
[With a laugh.] Well, I haven't got the confounded bills. I was too late.
Lady Frederick.
Did you try?
Fouldes.
Oh—yes, I thought it would interest Charlie to know how extremely needful it was for you to marry him.
Lady Frederick.
Then who on earth has got them?
Fouldes.
I haven't an idea, but they must make you very uncomfortable. Three thousand five hundred, eh?
Lady Frederick.
Don't say it all at once. It sounds so much.
Fouldes.
You wouldn't like to exchange those letters of Mereston's for seven thousand pounds, would you?
Lady Frederick.
[Laughing.] No.
Fouldes.
Ah.... By the way, d'you mind if I tell Charlie the full story of your—relations with me?
Lady Frederick.
Why should I? It's not I who'll look ridiculous.
Fouldes.
Thanks. I may avail myself of your permission.
Lady Frederick.
I daresay you've noticed that Charlie has a very keen sense of humour.
Fouldes.
If you're going to be disagreeable to me I shall go. [He stops.] I say, are you quite sure there's nothing else that can be brought up against you?
Lady Frederick.
[Laughing.] Quite sure, thanks.
Fouldes.
My sister's very jubilant to-day. What about the Bellingham affair?
Lady Frederick.
Merely scandal, my friend.
Fouldes.
Well, look out. She's a woman, and she'll stick at nothing.
Lady Frederick.
I wonder why you warn me.
Fouldes.
For the sake of old times, my dear.
Lady Frederick.
You're growing sentimental, Paradine. It's the punishment which the gods inflict on a cynic when he grows old.
Fouldes.
It may be, but for the life of me I can't forget that once——
Lady Frederick.
[Interrupting.] My dear friend, don't rake up my lamentable past.
Fouldes.
I don't think I've met any one so entirely devoid of sentiment as you are.
Lady Frederick.
Let us agree that I have every vice under the sun and have done with it.
[AServantcomes in.]
Servant.
Madame Claude wishes to see your ladyship.
Lady Frederick.
Oh, my dressmaker.
Fouldes.
Another bill?
Lady Frederick.
That's the worst of Monte. One meets as many creditors as in Bond Street. Say I'm engaged.
Servant.
Madame Claude says she will wait till miladi is free.
Fouldes.
You make a mistake. One should always be polite to people whose bills one can't pay.
Lady Frederick.
Show her in.
Servant.
Yes, miladi.
[ExitServant.
Fouldes.
Is it a big one?
Lady Frederick.
Oh, no; only seven hundred pounds.
Fouldes.
By Jove.
Lady Frederick.
My dear friend, one must dress. I can't go about in fig-leaves.
Fouldes.
One can dress simply.
Lady Frederick.
I do. That's why it costs so much.
Fouldes.
You know, you're devilish extravagant.
Lady Frederick.
I'm not. I'm content with the barest necessities of existence.
Fouldes.
You've got a maid.
Lady Frederick.
Of course I've got a maid. I was never taught to dress myself.
Fouldes.
And you've got a footman.
Lady Frederick.
I've always had a footman. And my mother always had a footman. I couldn't live a day without him.
Fouldes.
What does he do for you?
Lady Frederick.
He inspires confidence in tradesmen.
Fouldes.
And you have the most expensive suite of rooms in the hotel.
Lady Frederick.
I'm in such a dreadful mess. If I hadn't got nice rooms I should brood over it.
Fouldes.
Then, as if that weren't enough, you fling your money away at the tables.
Lady Frederick.
When you're as poor as I am, a few louis more or less can make absolutely no difference.
Fouldes.
[With a laugh.] You're quite incorrigible.
Lady Frederick.
It's really not my fault. I do try to be economical, but money slips through my fingers like water. I can't help it.
Fouldes.
You want a sensible sort of a man to look after you.
Lady Frederick.
I want a very rich sort of a man to look after me.
Fouldes.
If you were my wife, I should advertise in the papers that I wasn't responsible for your debts.
Lady Frederick.
If you were my husband, I'd advertise immediately underneath that I wasn't responsible for your manners.
Fouldes.
I wonder why you're so reckless.
Lady Frederick.
When my husband was alive I was so utterly wretched. And afterwards, when I looked forward to a little happiness, my boy died. Then I didn't care any more. I did everything I could to stupefy myself. I squandered money as other women take morphia—that's all.
Fouldes.
It's the same dear scatter-brained, good-hearted Betsy that I used to know.
Lady Frederick.
You're the only person who calls me Betsy now. To all the others I'm only Elizabeth.
Fouldes.
Look here, what are you going to do with this dressmaker?
Lady Frederick.
I don't know. I always trust to the inspiration of the moment.
Fouldes.
She'll make a devil of a fuss, won't she?
Lady Frederick.
Oh, no; I shall be quite nice to her.
Fouldes.
I daresay. But won't she be very disagreeable to you?
Lady Frederick.
You don't know what a way I have with my creditors.
Fouldes.
I know it's not a paying way.
Lady Frederick.
Isn't it? I bet you a hundred louis that I offer her the money and she refuses it.
Fouldes.
I'll take that.
Lady Frederick.
Here she is.
[Madame Claudeenters, ushered in by theServant.She is a stout, genteel person,very splendidly gowned, with a Cockneyaccent. Her face is set to sternness, decisionto make a scene, and general sourness.
Servant.
Madame Claude.
[ExitServant.Lady Frederickgoes up toher enthusiastically and takes both herhands.
Lady Frederick.
Best of women. This is a joyful surprise.
Madame Claude.
[Drawing herself up.] I 'eard quite by chance that your ladyship was at Monte.
Lady Frederick.
So you came to see me at once. That was nice of you. You're the very person I wanted to see.
Madame Claude.
[Significantly.] I'm glad of that, my lady, I must confess.
Lady Frederick.
You dear creature. That's one advantage of Monte Carlo, one meets all one's friends. Do you know Mr. Fouldes? This is Madame Claude, an artist, my dear Paradine, a real artist.
Madame Claude.
[Grimly.] I'm pleased that your ladyship should think so.
Fouldes.
How d'you do.
Lady Frederick.
Now, this gown. Look, look, look. In this skirt there's genius,mon cher. In the way it hangs my whole character is expressed. Observe the fullness of it, that indicates those admirable virtues which make me an ornament to Society, while the frill at the bottom just suggests those foibles—you can hardly call them faults—which add a certain grace and interest to my personality. And the flounce. Paradine, I beseech you to look at it carefully. I would sooner have designed this flounce than won the Battle of Waterloo.
Madame Claude.
Your ladyship is very kind.
Lady Frederick.
Not at all, not at all. You remember that rose chiffon. I wore it the other day, and the dear Archduchess came up to me and said: "My dear, my dear." I thought she was going to have a fit. But when she recovered she kissed me on both cheeks and said: "Lady Frederick, you have a dressmaker worth her weight in gold." You heard her, Paradine, didn't you?
Fouldes.
You forget that I only arrived last night.
Lady Frederick.
Of course. How stupid of me. She'll be perfectly delighted to hear that you're in Monte Carlo. But I shall have to break it to her gently.
Madame Claude.
[Unmoved.] I'm sorry to intrude upon your ladyship.
Lady Frederick.
Now what are you talking about? If you hadn't come to see me I should never have forgiven you.
Madame Claude.
I wanted to have a little talk with your ladyship.
Lady Frederick.
Oh, but I hope we shall have many little talks. Have you brought your motor down?
Madame Claude.
Yes.
Lady Frederick.
That's charming. You shall take me for a drive in it every day. I hope you're going to stay some time.
Madame Claude.
That depends on circumstances, Lady Frederick. I 'ave a little business to do here.
Lady Frederick.
Then let me give you one warning—don't gamble.
Madame Claude.
Oh, no, my lady. I gamble quite enough in my business as it is. I never know when my customers will pay their bills—if ever.
Lady Frederick.
[Slightly taken aback.] Ha, ha, ha.
Fouldes.
[With a deep guffaw.] Ho, ho, ho.
Lady Frederick.
Isn't she clever? I must tell that to the Archduchess. She'll be so amused. Ha, ha, ha, ha. The dear Archduchess, you know she loves a little joke. You must really meet her. Will you come and lunch? I know you'd hit it off together.
Madame Claude.
[More genially.] That's very kind of your ladyship.
Lady Frederick.
My dear, you know perfectly well that I've always looked upon you as one of my best friends. Now who shall we have? There's you and me and the Archduchess. Then I'll ask Lord Mereston.
Madame Claude.
The Marquess of Mereston, Lady Frederick?
Lady Frederick.
Yes. And Mr. Fouldes, his uncle.
Madame Claude.
Excuse me, are you the Mr. Paradine Fouldes?
Fouldes.
[Bowing.] At your service, madam.
Madame Claude.
I'm so glad to make your acquaintance, Mr. Fouldes. [Unctuously.] I've always heard you're such a bad man.
Fouldes.
Madam, you overwhelm me with confusion.
Madame Claude.
Believe me, Mr. Fouldes, it's not the ladies that are married to saints who take the trouble to dress well.
Lady Frederick.
Now we want a third man. Shall we ask my brother—you know Sir Gerald O'Mara, don't you? Or shall we ask Prince Doniani? Yes, I think we'll ask the Prince. I'm sure you'd like him. Such a handsome man! That'll make six.
Madame Claude.
It's very kind of you, Lady Frederick, but—well, I'm only a tradeswoman, you know.
Lady Frederick.
A tradeswoman? How can you talk such nonsense. You are an artist—a real artist, my dear. And an artist is fit to meet a king.
Madame Claude.
Well, I don't deny that I'd be ashamed to dress my customers in the gowns I see painted at the Royal Academy.
Lady Frederick.
Then it's quite settled, isn't it, Madame Claude—oh, may I call you Ada?
Madame Claude.
Oh, Lady Frederick, I should be very much flattered. But how did you know that was my name?
Lady Frederick.
Why you wrote me a letter only the other day.
Madame Claude.
Did I?
Lady Frederick.
And such a cross letter too.
Madame Claude.
[Apologetically.] Oh, but Lady Frederick, that was only in the way of business. I don't exactly remember what expressions I may have made use of——
Lady Frederick.
[Interrupting, as if the truth had suddenly flashed across her.] Ada! I do believe you came here to-day about my account.
Madame Claude.
Oh, no, my lady, I promise you.
Lady Frederick.
You did; I know you did. I see it in your face. Now that really wasn't nice of you. I thought you came as a friend.
Madame Claude.
I did, Lady Frederick.
Lady Frederick.
No, you wanted to dun me. I'm disappointed in you. I did think, after all the things I've had from you, you wouldn't treat me like that.
Madame Claude.
But I assure your ladyship....
Lady Frederick.
Not another word. You came to ask for a cheque. You shall have it.
Madame Claude.
No, Lady Frederick, I wouldn't take it.
Lady Frederick.
What is the exact figure, Madame Claude?
Madame Claude.
I—I don't remember.
Lady Frederick.
Seven hundred and fifty pounds, seventeen and ninepence. You see, I remember. You came for your cheque and you shall have it.
[She sits down and takes a pen.
Madame Claude.
Now, Lady Frederick, I should look upon that as most unkind. It's treating me like a very second-rate establishment.
Lady Frederick.
I'm sorry, but you should have thought of that before. Now I haven't got a cheque; how tiresome.
Madame Claude.
Oh, it doesn't matter, Lady Frederick. I promise you it never entered my 'ead.
Lady Frederick.
What shall I do?
Fouldes.
You can write it on a sheet of paper, you know.
Lady Frederick.
[With a look, aside to him.] Monster! [Aloud.] Of course I can. I hadn't thought of that. [She takes a sheet of paper.] But how on earth am I to get a stamp?
Fouldes.
[Much amused.] I happen to have one on me.
Lady Frederick.
I wonder why on earth you should have English stamps in Monte Carlo?
Fouldes.
[Handing her one.] A penny stamp may sometimes save one a hundred louis.
Lady Frederick.
[Ironically.] Thanks so much. I write the name of my bank on the top, don't I? Pay Madame Claude....
Madame Claude.
Now, it's no good, Lady Frederick, I won't take it. After all I 'ave my self-respect to think of.
Lady Frederick.
It's too late now.
Madame Claude.
[Sniffing a little.] No, no, Lady Frederick. Don't be too 'ard on me. As one lady to another I ask you to forgive me. I did come about my account, but—well, I don't want the money.
Lady Frederick.
[Looking up good-humouredly.] Well, well. [She looks at the cheque.] It shall be as you wish. There. [She tears it up.]