I spose you recollect thet I explained my gennle viewsIn the last billet thet I writ, 'way down frum Veery Cruze,Jest arter I'd a kind o' ben spontanously sot upTo run unanimously fer the Presidential cup;O' course it worn't no wish o' mine, 'twuz ferflely distressin',But poppiler enthusiasm gut so almighty pressin'Thet, though like sixty all along I fumed an' fussed an' sorrered,There didn't seem no ways to stop their bringin' on me forrerd:Fact is, they udged the matter so, I couldn't help admittin'The Father o' his Country's shoes no feet but mine 'ould fit in,Besides the savin' o' the soles fer ages to succeed,Seein' thet with one wannut foot, a pair 'd be more 'n I need;An', tell ye wut, them shoes'll want a thund'rin' sight o' patchin',Ef this 'ere fashion is to last we've gut into o' hatchin'A pair o' second Washintons fer every new election,—Though, fur ez number one's consarned, I don't make no objection.I wuz agoin' on to say thet wen at fust I sawThe masses would stick to 't I wuz the Country's father-'n-law,(They would ha' hed itFather, but I told 'em 't wouldn't du,Coz thet wuz sutthin' of a sort they couldn't split in tu,An' Washinton hed hed the thing laid fairly to his door,Nor darsn't say 't worn't his'n, much ez sixty year afore,)But 'taint no matter ez to thet; wen I wuz nomernated,'T worn't natur but wut I should feel consid'able elated,An' wile the hooraw o' the thing wuz kind o' noo an' fresh,I thought our ticket would ha' caird the country with a resh.Sence I've come hum, though, an' looked round, I think I seem to findStrong argimunts ez thick ez fleas to make me change my mind;It's clear to any one whose brain ain't fur gone in a phthisis,Thet hail Columby's happy land is goin' thru a crisis,An' 't wouldn't noways du to hev the people's mind distractedBy bein' all to once by sev'ral pop'lar names attackted;'T would save holl haycartloads o' fuss an' three four months o' jaw,Ef some illustrous paytriot should back out an' withdraw;So, ez I aint a crooked stick, jest like—like ole (I swow,I dunno ez I know his name)—I'll go back to my plough.Wenever an Amerikin distinguished politishinBegins to try et wut they call definin' his posishin,Wal, I, fer one, feel sure he aint gut nuthin' to define;It's so nine cases out o' ten, but jest that tenth is mine;An' 'taint no more 'n is proper 'n' right in sech a sitooationTo hint the course you think 'll be the savin' o' the nation;To funk right out o' p'lit'cal strife aint thought to be the thing,Without you deacon off the toon you want your folks should sing;So I edvise the noomrous friends thet's in one boat with meTo jest up killock, jam right down their hellum hard a lee,Haul the sheets taut, an', laying out upon the Suthun tack,Make fer the safest port they can, wich,Ithink, is Ole Zack.Next thing you'll want to know, I spose, wut argimunts I seemTo see thet makes me think this ere'll be the strongest team;Fust place, I've ben consid'ble round in bar-rooms an' saloonsAgethrin' public sentiment, 'mongst Demmercrats and Coons,An' 'taint ve'y offen thet I meet a chap but wut goes inFer Rough an' Ready, fair an' square, hufs, taller, horns, an' skin;I don't deny but wut, fer one, ez fur ez I could see,I didn't like at fust the Pheladelphy nomernee:I could ha' pinted to a man thet wuz, I guess, a pegHigher than him,—a soger, tu, an' with a wooden leg;But every day with more an' more o' Taylor zeal I'm burnin', sSeein' wich way the tide thet sets to office is aturnin';Wy, into Bellers's we notched the votes down on three sticks,—'Twuz Birdofredumone, Cassaught, an' Taylortwenty-six,An' bein' the on'y canderdate thet wuz upon the ground,They said 'twuz no more'n right thet I should pay the drinks all round;Ef I'd expected sech a trick, I wouldn't ha' cut my footBy goin' an' votin' fer myself like a consumed coot;It didn't make no diff'rence, though; I wish I may be cust,Ef Bellers wuzn't slim enough to say he wouldn't trust!Another pint thet influences the minds o' sober jedgesIs thet the Gin'ral hezn't gut tied hand an' foot with pledges;He hezn't told ye wut he is, an' so there aint no knowin'But wut he may turn out to be the best there is agoin';This, at the on'y spot thet pinched, the shoe directly eases,Coz every one is free to 'xpect percisely what he pleases:I want free-trade; you don't; the Gin'ral isn't bound to neither;—I vote my way; you, yourn; an' both air sooted to a T there.Ole Rough an' Ready, tu, 's a Wig, but without bein' ultry(He's like a holsome hayinday, thet's warm, but isn't sultry);He's jest wut I should call myself, a kin' o'scratch, ez 'tware,Thet ain't exacly all a wig nor wholly your own hair;I've ben a Wig three weeks myself, jest o' this mod'rate sort,An' don't find them an' Demmercrats so different ez I thought;They both act pooty much alike, an' push an' scrouge an' cus;They're like two pickpockets in league fer Uncle Samwell's pus;Each takes a side, an' then they squeeze the old man in between 'em,Turn all his pockets wrong side out an' quick ez lightnin' clean 'em;To nary one on 'em I'd trust a secon'-handed railNo furder off 'an I could sling a bullock by the tail.Webster sot matters right in thet air Mashfiel' speech o' his'n;—"Taylor," sez he, "aint nary ways the one thet I'd a chizzen,Nor he aint fittin' fer the place, an' like ez not he aintNo more'n a tough ole bullethead, an' no gret of a saint;But then," sez he, "obsarve my pint, he's jest ez good to vote ferEz though the greasin' on him worn't a thing to hire Choate fer;Aint it ez easy done to drop a ballot in a boxFer one ez 'tis fer t'other, fer the bulldog ez the fox?"It takes a mind like Dannel's, fact, ez big ez all ou'doors,To find out thet it looks like rain arter it fairly pours;I 'gree with him, it aint so dreffle troublesome to voteFer Taylor arter all,—it's jest to go an' change your coat;Wen he's once greased, you'll swaller him an' never know on't, scurce,Unless he scratches, goin' down, with them 'ere Gin'ral's spurs.I've ben a votin' Demmercrat, ez reg'lar ez a clock,But don't find goin' Taylor gives my narves no gret 'f a shock;Truth is, the cutest leadin' Wigs, ever sence fust they foundWich side the bread gut buttered on, hev kep' a edgin' round;They kin' o' slipt the planks frum out th' ole platform one by oneAn' made it gradooally noo, 'fore folks know'd wut wuz done,Till, fur'z I know, there aint an inch thet I could lay my han' on,But I, or any Demmercrat, feels comf'table to stan' on,An' ole Wig doctrines act'lly look, their occ'pants bein' gone,Lonesome ez staddles on a mash without no hayricks on.I spose it's time now I should give my thoughts upon the plan,Thet chipped the shell at Buffalo, o' settin' up ole Van.I used to vote fer Martin, but, I swan, I'm clean disgusted,—He aint the man thet I can say is fittin' to be trusted;He aint half antislav'ry 'nough, nor I aint sure, ez some be,He'd go in fer abolishin' the Deestrick o' Columby;An', now I come to recollect, it kin' o' makes me sick'zA horse, to think o' wut he wuz in eighteen thirty-six.An' then, another thing;—I guess, though mebby I am wrong,This Buff'lo plaster aint agoin' to dror almighty strong;Some folks, I know, hev gut th' idee thet No'thun dough'll rise,Though, 'fore I see it riz an' baked, I wouldn't trust my eyes;'T will take more emptins, a long chalk, than this noo party's gut,To give sech heavy cakes ez them a start, I tell ye wut.But even ef they caird the day, there wouldn't be no endurin'To stan' upon a platform with sech critters ez Van Buren;—An' his son John, tu, I can't think how thet 'ere chap should dareTo speak ez he doos; wy, they say he used to cuss an' swear!I spose he never read the hymn thet tells how down the stairsA feller with long legs wuz throwed thet wouldn't say his prayers.This brings me to another pint: the leaders o' the partyAint jest sech men ez I can act along with free an' hearty;They aint not quite respectable, an' wen a feller's morrilsDon't toe the straightest kin' o' mark, wy, him an' me jest quarrils.I went to a free soil meetin' once, an' wut d' ye think I see?A feller was aspoutin' there thet act'lly come to me,About two year ago last spring, ez nigh ez I can jedge,An' axed me ef I didn't want to sign the Temprunce pledge!He's one o' them that goes about an' sez you hedn't ough'terDrink nothin', mornin', noon, or night, stronger 'an Taunton water.There's one rule I've ben guided by, in settlin' how to vote, ollers,—I take the side thetisn'ttook by them consarned teetotallers.Ez fer the niggers, I've ben South, an' thet hez changed my mind;A lazier, more ongrateful set you couldn't nowers find.You know I mentioned in my last thet I should buy a nigger,Ef I could make a purchase at a pooty mod'rate figger;So, ez there's nothin' in the world I 'm fonder of 'an gunnin',I closed a bargin finally to take a feller runnin'.I shou'dered queen's-arm an' stumped out, an' wen I come t' th' swamp,'T worn't very long before I gut upon the nest o' Pomp;I come acrost a kin' o' hut, an', play in' round the door,Some little woolly-headed cubs, ez many 'z six or more.At fust I thought o' firin', butthink twiceis safest ollers;There aint, thinks I, not one on 'em but's wuth his twenty dollars,Or would be, ef I had 'em back into a Christian land,—How temptin' all on 'em would look upon an auction-stand!(Not but wutIhate Slavery in th' abstract, stem to starn,—I leave it ware our fathers did, a privit State consarn.)Soon'z they see me, they yelled an' run, but Pomp wuz out ahoein'A leetle patch o' corn he hed, or else there aint no knowin'He wouldn't ha' took a pop at me; but I had gut the start,An' wen he looked, I vow he groaned ez though he'd broke his heart;He done it like a wite man, tu, ez nat'ral ez a pictur,The imp'dunt, pis'nous hypocrite! wus'an a boy constrictur."You can't gumme, I tell ye now, an' so you needn't try,I 'xpect my eye-teeth every mail, so jest shet up," sez I."Don't go to actin' ugly now, or else I'll jest let strip,You'd best draw kindly, seein' 'z how I've gut ye on the hip;Besides, you darned ole fool, it aint no gret of a disasterTo be benev'lently druv back to a contented master,Ware you hed Christian priv'ledges you don't seem quite aware of,Or you'd ha' never run away from bein' well took care of;Ez fer kin' treatment, wy, he wuz so fond on ye, he sedHe'd give a fifty spot right out, to git ye, live or dead;Wite folks aint sot by half ez much; 'member I run away,Wen I wuz bound to Cap'n Jakes, to Mattysqumscot bay;Don't know him, likely? Spose not; wal, the mean ole codger wentAn' offered—wut reward, think? Wal, it worn't noless'n a cent."Wal, I jest gut 'em into line, an' druv 'em on afore me,The pis'nous brutes, I'd no idee o' the ill-will they bore me;We walked till som'ers about noon, an' then it grew so hotI thought it best to camp awile, so I chose out a spotJest under a magnoly tree, an' there right down I sot;Then I unstrapped my wooden leg, coz it begun to chafe,An' laid it down 'long side o' me, supposin' all wuz safe;I made my darkies all set down around me in a ring,An' sot an' kin' o' ciphered up how much the lot would bring;But, wile I drinked the peaceful cup of a pure heart an' mind,(Mixed with some wiskey, now an' then,) Pomp he snaked up behind,An' creepin' grad'lly close tu, ez quiet ez a mink,Jest grabbed my leg, and then pulled foot, quicker 'an you could wink,An', come to look, they each on 'em hed gut behin' a tree,An' a poked out the leg a piece, jest so ez I could see,An' yelled to me to throw away my pistils an' my gun,Or else thet they'd cair off the leg, an' fairly cut an' run.I vow I didn't b'lieve there wuz a decent alligaturThet hed a heart so destitoot o' common human natur;However, ez there worn't no help, I finally give inAn' heft my arms away to git my leg safe back agin.Pomp gethered all the weapins up, an' then he come an' grinned,He showed his ivory some, I guess, an' sez, "You're fairly pinned;Jest buckle on your leg agin, an' git right up an come,'Twun't du fer fammerly men like me to be so long from hum."At fust I put my foot right down an' swore I wouldn't budge."Jest ez you choose," sez he, quite cool, "either be shot or trudge."So this black-hearted monster took an' act'lly druv me backAlong the very feetmarks o' my happy mornin' track,An' kep' me pris'ner 'bout six-months, an' worked me, tu, like sin,Till I hed gut his corn an' his Carliny taters in;He made me larn him readin', tu, (although the crittur sawHow much it hut my morril sense to act agin the law,)So'st he could read a Bible he'd gut; an' axed ef I could pintThe North Star out; but there I put his nose some out o' jint,Fer I weeled roun' about sou'west, an', lookin' up a bit,Picked out a middlin' shiny one an' tole him thet wuz it.Fin'lly, he took me to the door, an', givin' me a kick,Sez,—"Ef you know wut's best fer ye, be off, now, double-quick;The winter-time's a comin' on, an', though I gut ye cheap,You're so darned lazy, I don't think you're hardly wuth your keep;Besides, the childrin's growin' up, an' you aint jest the modelI'd like to hev 'em immertate, an' so you'd better toddle!"Now is there any thin' on airth 'll ever prove to meThet renegader slaves like him air fit fer bein' free?D'you think they'll suck me in to jine the Buff'lo chaps, an' themRank infidels thet go agin the Scriptur'l cus o' Shem?Not by a jugfull! sooner 'n thet, I'd go thru fire an' water;Wen I hev once made up my mind, a meet'nhus aint sotter;No, not though all the crows thet flies to pick my bones wuz cawin',—I guess we're in a Christian land,—Yourn,Birdofredum Sawin.
[Here, patient reader, we take leave of each other, I trust with some mutual satisfaction. I saypatient, for I love not that kind which skims dippingly over the surface of the page, as swallows over a pool before rain. By such no pearls shall be gathered. But if no pearls there be (as, indeed, the world is not without example of books wherefrom the longest-winded diver shall bring up no more than his proper handful of mud), yet let us hope that an oyster or two may reward adequate perseverance. If neither pearls nor oysters, yet is patience itself a gem worth diving deeply for.
It may seem to some that too much space has been usurped by my own private lucubrations, and some may be fain to bring against me that old jest of him who preached all his hearers out of the meetinghouse save only the sexton, who, remaining for yet a little space, from a sense of official duty, at last gave out also, and, presenting the keys, humbly requested our preacher to lock the doors, when he should have wholly relieved himself of his testimony. I confess to a satisfaction in the self act of preaching, nor do I esteem a discourse to be wholly thrown away even upon a sleeping or unintelligent auditory. I cannot easily believe that the Gospel of Saint John, which Jacques Cartier ordered to be read in the Latin tongue to the Canadian savages, upon his first meeting with them, fell altogether upon stony ground. For the earnestness of the preacher is a sermon appreciable by dullest intellects and most alien ears. In this wise did Episcopius convert many to his opinions, who yet understood not the language in which he discoursed. The chief thing is that the messenger believe that he has an authentic message to deliver. For counterfeit messengers that mode of treatment which Father John de Plano Carpini relates to have prevailed among the Tartars would seem effectual, and, perhaps, deserved enough. For my own part, I may lay claim to so much of the spirit of martyrdom as would have led me to go into banishment with those clergymen whom Alphonso the Sixth of Portugal drave out of his kingdom for refusing to shorten their public eloquence. It is possible, that, having been invited into my brother Biglow's desk, I may have been too little scrupulous in using it for the venting of my own peculiar doctrines to a congregation drawn together in the expectation and with the desire of hearing him.
I am not wholly unconscious of a peculiarity of mental organization which impels me, like the railroad-engine with its train of cars, to run backward for a short distance in order to obtain a fairer start. I may compare myself to one fishing from the rocks when the sea runs high, who, misinterpreting the suction of the undertow for the biting of some larger fish, jerks suddenly, and finds that he hascaught bottom, hauling in upon the end of his line a trail of variousalgæ, among which, nevertheless, the naturalist may haply find something to repay the disappointment of the angler. Yet have I conscientiously endeavored to adapt myself to the impatient temper of the age, daily degenerating more and more from the high standard of our pristine New England. To the catalogue of lost arts I would mournfully add also that of listening to two-hour sermons. Surely we have been abridged into a race of pigmies. For, truly, in those of the old discourses yet subsisting to us in print, the endless spinal column of divisions and subdivisions can be likened to nothing so exactly as to the vertebræ of the saurians, whence the theorist may conjecture a race of Anakim proportionate to the withstanding of these other monsters. I say Anakim rather than Nephelim, because there seem reasons for supposing that the race of those whose heads (though no giants) are constantly enveloped in clouds (which that name imports) will never become extinct. The attempt to vanquish the innumerableheadsof one of those aforementioned discourses may supply us with a plausible interpretation of the secondlabor of Hercules, and his successful experiment with fire affords us a useful precedent.
But while I lament the degeneracy of the age in this regard, I cannot refuse to succumb to its influence. Looking out through my study-window, I see Mr. Biglow at a distance busy in gathering his Baldwins, of which, to judge by the number of barrels lying about under the trees, his crop is more abundant than my own,—by which sight I am admonished to turn to those orchards of the mind wherein my labors may be more prospered, and apply myself diligently to the preparation of my next Sabbath's discourse.—H. W.]
GLOSSARY.A.Act'lly,actually.Air,are.Airth,earth.Airy,area.Aree,area.Arter,after.Ax,ask.B.Beller,bellow.Bellowses,lungs.Ben,been.Bile,boil.Bimeby,by and by.Blurt out,to speak bluntly.Bust,burst.Buster,a roistering blade; used also as a general superlative.C.Caird,carried.Cairn,carrying.Caleb,a turncoat.Cal'late,calculate.Cass,a person with two lives.Close,clothes.Cockerel,a young cock.Cocktail,a kind of drink; also,an ornament peculiar to soldiers.Convention,a place where people are imposed on;a juggler's show.Coons,a cant term for a now defunct party; derived, perhaps, from the fact of their being commonlyup a tree.Cornwallis,a sort of muster in masquerade; supposed to have had its origin soon after the Revolution, and to commemorate the surrender of Lord Cornwallis. It took the place of the old Guy Fawkes procession.Crooked stick,a perverse, froward person.Cunnle,a colonel.Cus,a curse; also,a pitiful fellow.D.Darsn't, used indiscriminately, either in singular or plural number, fordare not,dares not, anddared not.Deacon off,to give the cue to; derived from a custom, once universal, but now extinct, in our New England Congregational churches. An important part of the office of deacon was to read aloud the hymnsgiven outby the minister, one line at a time, the congregation singing each line as soon as read.Demmercrat, leadin',one in favor of extending slavery;a free-trade lecturer maintained in the custom-house.Desput,desperate.Doos,does.Doughface,a contented lickspittle; a common variety of Northern politician.Dror,draw.Du,do.Dunno,dno,do not, ordoes not know.Dut,dirt.E.Eend,end.Ef,if.Emptins,yeast.Env'y,envoy.Everlasting, an intensive, without reference to duration.Ev'y,every.Ez,as.F.Fence, On the, said of one who halts between two opinions; a trimmer.Fer,for.Ferfle, ferful,fearful; also an intensive.Fin',find.Fish-skin, used in New England to clarify coffee.Fix,a difficulty,a nonplus.Foller, folly,to follow.Forrerd,forward.Frum,from.Fur, far.Furder,farther.Furrer,furrow. Metaphorically,to draw a straight furrowis to live uprightly or decorously.Fust,first.G.Gin,gave.Git,get.Gret,great.Grit,spirit,energy,pluck.Grout,to sulk.Grouty,crabbed,surly.Gum,to impose on.Gump,a foolish fellow,a dullard.Gut,got.H.Hed,had.Heern,heard.Hellum,helm.Hendy,handy.Het,heated.Hev,have.Hez,has.Holl,whole.Holt,hold.Huf,hoof.Hull,whole.Hum,home.Humbug,General Taylor's antislavery.Hut,hurt.I.Idno,I do not know.In'my,enemy.Insines,ensigns; used to designate both the officer who carries the standard, and the standard itself.Inter, intu,into.J.Jedge,judge.Jest,just.Jine,join.Jint,joint.Junk,a fragment of any solid substance.K.Keer,care.Kep',kept.Killock,a small anchor.Kin', kin' o, kinder,kind,kind of.L.Lawth,loath.Less,let's,let us.Let daylight into,to shoot.Let on,to hint,to confess,to own.Lick,to beat,to overcome.Lights,the bowels.Lily-pads,leaves of the water-lily.Long-sweetening,molasses.M.Mash,marsh.Mean,stingy,ill-natured.Min',mind.N.Nimepunce,ninepence,twelve and a half cents.Nowers,nowhere.O.Offen,often.Ole,old.Ollers, olluz,always.On,of; used beforeitorthem, or at the end of a sentence, ason't,on 'em,nut ez ever I heerd on.On'y,only.Ossifer,officer(seldom heard).P.Peaked,pointed.Peek,to peep.Pickerel,the pike,a fish.Pint,point.Pocket full of rocks,plenty of money.Pooty,pretty.Pop'ler,conceited,popular.Pus,purse.Put out,troubled,vexed.Q.Quarter,a quarter-dollar.Queen's arm,a musket.R.Resh,rush.Revelee,the réveillé.Rile,to trouble.Riled,angry;disturbed, as the sediment in any liquid.Riz,risen.Row, a long row to hoe,a difficult task.Rugged,robust.S.Sarse,abuse,impertinence.Sartin,certain.Saxton,sacristan,sexton.Scaliest,worst.Scringe,cringe.Scrouge,to crowd.Sech,such.Set by,valued.Shakes, great,of considerable consequence.Shappoes,chapeaux,cocked-hats.Sheer,share.Shet,shut.Shut,shirt.Skeered,scared.Skeeter,mosquito.Skootin',running, ormoving swiftly.Slarterin',slaughtering.Slim,contemptible.Snaked,crawled like a snake; butto snake any one outis to track him to his hiding-place;to snake a thing outis to snatch it out.Soffles,sofas.Sogerin',soldiering; a barbarous amusement common among men in the savage state.Som'ers,somewhere.So'st,so as that.Sot,set,obstinate,resolute.Spiles,spoils;objects of political ambition.Spry,active.Staddles,stout stakes driven into the salt marshes, on which the hay-ricks are set and thus raised out of the reach of high tides.Streaked,uncomfortable,discomfited.Suckle,circle.Sutthin',something.Suttin,certain.T.Take on,to sorrow.Talents,talons.Taters,potatoes.Tell,till.Tetch,touch.Tetch tu,to be able; used always after a negative in this sense.Thru,through.Thundering, a euphemism common in New England for the profane English expressiondevilish. Perhaps derived from the belief, common formerly, that thunder was caused by the Prince of the Air, for some of whose accomplishments consult Cotton Mather.Tollable,tolerable.Toot, used derisively forplaying on any wind instrument.Tu,to,too; commonly has this sound when used emphatically, or at the end of a sentence. At other times it has the sound oftintough, as,Ware ye goin' tu? Goin' t' Boston.U.Ugly,ill-tempered,intractable.Uncle Sam,United States; the largest boaster of liberty and owner of slaves.Unrizzest, applied to dough or bread;heavy,most unrisen, ormost incapable of rising.V.V-spot,a five-dollar bill.Vally,value.W.Wake snakes,to get into trouble.Wal,well; spoken with great deliberation, and sometimes with theavery much flattened, sometimes (but more seldom) very much broadened.Wannut,walnut(hickory).Ware,where.Ware,were.Whopper,an uncommonly large lie; as, that General Taylor is in favor of the Wilmot Proviso.Wig,Whig; a party now dissolved.Wunt,will not.Wus,worse.Wut,what.Wuth,worth; as,Antislavery perfessions 'fore 'lection aint wuth a Bungtown copper.Wuz,was, sometimeswere.Y.Yaller,yellow.Yeller,yellow.Yellers,a disease of peach-trees.Z.Zack, Ole,a second Washington, an antislavery slaveholder, a humane buyer and seller of men and women, a Christian hero generally.
INDEX.