ACT · IV

ACT · IVPAMPHILUS and CLINIA.PAMPHILUS.’TIS simply ruin, Clinia; pray come back at once.Do wait till after dinner.CLINIA.I couldn’t.Pam.The governorWill smoke it all if you go: ’twill break our party up.Clin.My father thinks I am killed.Pam.What matter so you’re not?1050Clin.He’ll be so grieved. Indeed I can’t consider your party.Pam.You’re most ungrateful.Clin.Nay indeed, good Pamphilus,I am much obliged for all your kindness; I say so again.But this I told you expressly I did not wish.Pam.You’ve gotMore than you ever hoped. Antiphila here: your fatherBrought nicely round: and all through my good management.And now you’ll throw me over for want of a little patience.Clin.To be free with you, I do not like being half drawn in, as I am,To tricking your father of fifty pounds. Besides I am hereUnder a false name, as his guest. Antiphila tooIs passing off for somebody else, I know not who;1061While you and Philolaches have deceived your father and mine,In a way that I cannot be party to.Pam.Wait. Here comes my father.I’ll show you now what kind of a temper I risk for you.Enter Chremes from town.CHREMES.Wheu! back at last. Wheu, wheu! my word! as hot as hot!Wheu! bah! and all this worry and flurry for nothing: wheu!I am covered and choked with dust. I wish most heartilyThese Persians had found their grave at Chrysnotaparoys.I vow that the famous army of Darius never gaveSuch trouble to brave Miltiades at Marathon,1070As these two rascally slinkers have given to me. Wheu! Wheu!Pam.(advancing). Have you not found them, father?Chr.If I have found them? No.I went to the port; the ship I found there sure enough,But I could not hear of them. A single passenger,They said, had landed; and he was a Greek. I enquired besidesAt all the houses along the road: there was not a man,Who had even so much as seen them.Sostrata(within).Chremes! Chremes!Chr.Ah!Enter Sostrata from Chremes’ house.SOSTRATA.O husband! husband!Chr.O wife! wife!Sost.She is found, she is found!Chr.Who’s found?Sost.Our daughter, our long-lost daughter is found.Chr.What now?Sost.Look! this is the necklace, this the ring.Chr.Why, what d’ye mean?1080Sost.See, husband, if you remember them; they are the very sameOur daughter Antiphila wore, the day she was stolen.Chr.Hey!What’s this?Sost.I knew them at once.Chr.Then tell me at once, whén,How, and where did you find them?Sost.The girl that Gorgo broughtWore them. I knew them at once: and when I heard her name....Chr.Antiphila?Sost.Yes, Antiphila.Chr.Quite so. You heard the name;That made you think this girl our daughter: I’ll wager my lifeShe’s no such thing. ’Tis unsupposable.Sost.Dearest husband,I always knew we should find her. I’ve said so a thousand times.1089Chr.Oh yes! you always knew beforehand of everythingAfter it happened, wife: there’s nothing could occurBut you would tell me you told me before. And yet this timeDo not be wise too soon.Sost.Why, here’s the ring itself,The necklace and the name.Chr.The name is a common name,And rings and necklaces too are made so much alike,They’re nothing to go by.Sost.Then I have spoken to her, Chremes,And she is so like her:—Chr.Hey! here’s fine proof indeed;Just think for once now what you have said. You recognizeIn a grown-up lady, you say, the baby you have never seenSince she was three! Why, even supposing she was not changedIn all these fifteen years, could you remember herSo long?1101Sost.But she is my daughter: that makes the difference.Chr.Why, that’s the very question. Is she? And if she was,What difference could it make? But if you have spoken with her,Where does she say she comes from?Sost.She says she lives in the townWith an old Corinthian widow . . .I know: the mother of Gorgo.They live together, do they? Then just send Gorgo here.Sost.Indeed she has nothing to do with Gorgo.Chr.According to thatThere are two Corinthian widows.Sost.Two?Chr.Why not? I supposeThere must be two, unless it’s the same.Sost.But who is the other?1110Chr.There isn’t another at all. Bring Gorgo here at once.She’ll know enough of the facts to set this matter at rest.Sost.Why, Chremes . . .Chr.I say, fetch Gorgo.Sost.I assure you, Chremes dear . . .Chr.Do go and fetch her, wife.Sost.Well, as you will....Chr.Of course.Dó I ever express an opinion, issue a command,Without an ample reason? (Exit Sostrata.)’Twould be strange!—(To Pam.) Now, sir,Had you not heard of this?Pam.No, father.Chr.And there you stand,As dull as a fish! Why, what will you think, if this be true,Of finding a sister?Pam.Sir, you wished me a happy day:As nothing was more unlooked for, nothing is happierIn the world than this.Chr.Yet there’s your friend, a perfect stranger.1121Is far more moved than you. You go to the play, I know:Fifty per cent. of all our Attic comediesHave this same plot, a daughter stolen in early years,Lost sight of, despaired of, almost forgotten, and then at last,When least expected—although there’s scarce a soul in the houseThat does not know or guess it beforehand—she reappears.Then are not all eyes wet? Why, that’s the poetic art,Which makes emotion, and sells it to fools at market price.You have pitied the child, have pictured the thousand possible ills1130She may have encountered, hardships of body and mind, neglect,The injuries and privations of slavery, wrongs and blows;The lack of all that care, to which, in a mother’s love,The meanest birth is titled, without which even brutesPerish for lack of instinct: the tenderness of sexYou have thought of; her innocence, the snares of a merciless worldFor the unprotected, and then this picture you contrastWith the comfortable, gentéel hóme the scene presents.You feel for the parents then—ay, tho’ some ridiculeBe fastened upon them; ’tis by such touches of flesh and blood1140The life comes home to your heart, and while you are made to smile,You weep. You have paid for the tear, or if your false shameForbids you to shew your feeling, you’ve bought a lump in the throat.You praise the play, because ’tis a tender situation.Enough to stir the blood of a crocodile like yourself:I catch you weeping—slap! all’s changed. ’Tis not a play:The stage is yóur hóme, the actors your father and mother,Your own sister is found, & where’s your feeling now?I think your heart is made of matting! Your friend, I say,Is far more moved: I see the tears stand in his eyes.1150Clin.’Tis joy. I wish you joy, sir. I wish your daughter joy.And, may I say it, your happiness brings happiness to me.Chr.I thank you, Clitipho; but now we go too fast:Because I don’t at all suppose this is my daughter.Ho! Gorgo! where’s Gorgo? (Goes to door.)Clin.(to Pam.).O Pamphilus, I am in heaven:For if Antiphila really be your sister, thenMy father cannot oppose our marriage.Pam.No more will mine.’Twill make him as proud as a peacock.Clin.Sweetest Antiphila.Pam.Quite so: but what in the world do you think will happen to me,When he finds out?Clin.Oh, I have attained the life of the gods!1160Pam.Go on. You will not tell me now I have done too much?Clin.Oh no: I forgive it all.Pam.Forgive it?Clin.I thank you for it.Pam.I shall need more than thanks.Clin.O Pamphilus, anything.What can I give you?Pam.Listen. If things go well with you,They’re not so smart with me: and if you wish to help me,I only see one hope.Clin.What’s that?Pam.That you should winYour father to plead for me: after all I have done for him,I think he might: and if you ask him, I am sure he will.Concealment is out of the question: go to him now at once,And tell him all.Clin.Indeed I was going; but may I not seeAntiphila first?Pam.No, no, there’s not a moment to lose.The governor will be back, and if he finds you out,1172You’ll have to go to your father with him, and what a taleHe’ll tell it’s easy to guess.Clin.I would not consent to that.I’ll go at once.Pam.Go quickly, before Gorgo comes.[Exit Clinia.Quick! Quick!And just in time. I wonder what she will say.Chr.(at the door to Gorgo). I want you a moment, Gorgo.Enter Gorgo with Sostrata.Prithee, be so goodAs just to answer my questions. This girl AntiphilaWho came with you, is your maid? Don’t look at my son and laugh.I am serious. Is this girl your servant?GORGO.No.Chr.She is not?She lives with you?Gor.No.Chr.I thought you lived with the widow woman,1181Who came from Corinth. Pray be sober. I want to know.You told me you did.Gor.Ay, sir.Chr.And yet AntiphilaDoes not live with you?Gor.No, sir.Chr.When did you see her first?Gor.This morning.Chr.Indeed. And can you tell me nothing about her?Gor.Nothing whatever.Chr.I thank you. I’ve nothing to ask you then.Gor.It’s thank you for nothing, sir! No further commands at present?Chr.Peace, prithee, peace!(To Sostrata.) Now, wife, you see I was right for once.Gorgo knows nothing about her.Sost.I told you she didn’t, Chremes.1189Chr.But then you said she lived with the widow. You see she doesn’t,And Gorgo does.Sost.I can’t believe it. Antiphila told meThe widow’s name; and then the very clothes she woreThe day she was stolen, she has laid by.Chr.Eh! said she so?Then you should have sent for the woman, told her to bring the clothes.Sost.So, Chremes, I did, but the poor old lady’s too ill to come:But the clothes were sent. I have seen them.Chr.And are they the same?Sost.They are.Chr.Why then did you not spare me all this trouble, wife?Why did you not tell me before of the clothes?Sost.You would not hear!Chr.Not hear! when all the time I was asking you this and that.Ye gods! have ye never made one reasonable woman?1200Don’t you see that the clothes are the chiefest matter of all?Why, they’re a proof.Sost.Then do you believe?Chr.Ay, wife, come in.I think we have found our daughter.[Exeunt Sost. and Chr.Gor.Oho! ho! ho!O he does make me laugh.And when he finds all out, the silly old man, at last,How I shall love to see him!Pam.Indeed you must not stay.Gor.Why not?Pam.Why, don’t you see how mad he’ll be?Gor.He will.Pam.He’ll want that forty pounds.Gor.He may want.Pam.I am afraidYou cannot keep it.Gor.I not keep it? What! d’ye thinkI’d give it him back?Pam.I think you had better make sure of it.Take my advice and go.Gor.I am sorry to go, and yetWhat should I stay for now? There’ll be no dinner.1210Pam.No,That there won’t.Gor.Well, make my excuses,& give your fatherMy kind congratulations.Pam.Go!Gor.With the same to you.Antiphila’s quite a dove.Pam.Do go!Gor.Good-bye, my lad.It’s wisest to go, I see: but if the old man should askWhere I am gone to . . .Pam.Well?Gor.Why, tell him I’m gone to spend[Exit.His forty pounds in the town. Ta ta!Pam.I think that womanHas done for me. Thank the gods she’s gone, and just in time;Here somebody comes from the house.Enter Philolaches from Chremes’ house.PHILOLACHES.Look out, Pamphilus!Your father is coming after you.Pam.He has found us out of course?1220Ph.He has guessed who Gorgo is; but still is quite in the dark.He still imagines Clinia slain and torn to bitsOn the plains of what d’ye call it.—Pam.What is best to do?Ph.Nothing. Let him rave it out. The quicker he heats,The quicker he’ll cool.Pam.But if you had ever seen him angry . . .Ph.Don’t be afraid.Pam.I am.Ph.Throw all the blame on me.Pam.I hear him.Re-enter Chremes, speaking as he comes out to Sostrata within.Chr.It’s high time, wife, you stopped this precious noise,Deafening the gods with singing all your confounded praisesFor finding your daughter. You judge them by yourself perhaps,And think they can’t understand a simple thing, unlessIt’s told them a hundred times.(To Pam.)Now, sir, ’tis you I want.1230Come here.Pam.What, father?Chr.What, father?As innocentAs milk, no doubt. You think it’s possible I do not know?I’ll tell you what: to-day I have found a daughter, sir,And lost a son. Begone and take your Gorgo with you:For I’ll not own you longer. Be off! Go where you will:But see you ne’er set foot beneath my roof again.Pam.Father, what do you mean? What have I done?Chr.You dareAsk! If I tell you now that you are a reprobate,An idle, dissipated, licentious, spendthrift fellow:—Is that enough?Pam.O father!1240Chr.Or if I add the rest,A mean, deceitful, undutiful, snivelling, sneaking cheat;A liar.Pam.Oh, I am not.Chr.Well, you deny it, do you?I’ll ask you is this true or not. You found that I,With a view to help our neighbour, wished to see the girlThat got his son into trouble. You undertook to bring her.I trusted you wholly, could not expect to be played on bý you;You knew her, and I did not, had never heard her name;And this you knew, and took occasion to introduceA different person altogether, a friend of your own,1250A woman whose very presence was an insult; and not contentWith abusing my confidence & kindness, my sheer disgustYou turned to your own account, and so, on a mock pretenceOf doing my neighbour a wonderful service, made me payI don’t know what. You blinded me, and robbed me, and all the while’Twas yóur víle místress I was entertaining for you,And paying out of my pocket for nothing. Is that not true?Was it not enough to have this creature sit down to dineWith your mother and me? ay, and with your sister? and as for her,Yóu have been the means of aspersing her character,The day when she is restored to the family. Yes, ’tis she1260Is the lady in question, and I have been running here and thereTo diffame my own daughter to my neighbour, and thanks to youHave been a pretty fool! And if his son returns,—For now I am so confused that whether he’s living or deadI have not a notion,—but if, I say, he should return,And ask Antiphila’s hand, would then Menedemus believeThat I did not tell him the truth before I knew any causeTo wish for one thing more than another? I say be off!Ask me what you’ve done? A treasure of innocenceYou are! Begone! I’ll never see you again. Begone!1271Ph.For patience’ sake, one word from me, sir! PamphilusWas not so much in fault; I am the one to blame:He truly intended to introduce Antiphila;And I was sent to fetch her: but when it appeared her friendsWould not consent to allow that you should interfereBetween Menedemus and her, then, on the spur of the moment,The ladies were changed, & that at my suggestion, sir.Chr.I interfere, you say? ’Tis you that interfere,I think. Pray hold your tongue; or if you wish to advise,Advise your friend again: he needs it more than I;1281Maybe he’ll thank you for it. I neither ask nor want it.Re-enter Sostrata.(To Pam.) To you, sir, I have no more to add. Begone at once!’Twill spare your sister pain, if she shdnever know you;Not that there’s aught to lose. Now, if there is anythingYou want in the house, go in at once and fetch it. Look,I’ll give you half an hour.Sost.Chremes, what are you saying?Chr.I have only said, wife, what I told you; and you may nowBid your dear Pamphilus good-bye.Sost.How cruel you are!1289Do you wish to kill your son? You’ll certainly be his death,Unless you mind. I wonder how anything so wickedCould have come into your head.Chr.Oh, will you never learnTo keep your place, woman? Was there ever a thingWhich I ever proposed or did in my whole life, in whichYou did not go against me? But shdI ask you nowWhat wrong I am doing, or why I do the thing I do,You would not know: you could not tell me anythingOf the matter in which so confidently you oppose me. Fool!Sost.I do not know?Chr.Well, well, you do know. AnythingRather than have it all over again.Sost.How iniquitous of you,To prevent my speaking in such a matter!1300Chr.I don’t prevent you.[Exit.Go on! Talk yourself hoarse.Pam.Mother, what shall I do?Sost.What did he say?Pam.He says he disowns me.Sost.Don’t give way.He is angry now: I know he’ll soon be kind again.Ph.Quite so, madam; a father’s threats are nothing to fear.Pam.I am glad you think so.Ph.Don’t be angry with me, Pam!I’ve got you into a mess, but if you’ll trust to me,I’ll get you out.Sost.How kind of you, Mr. Philogelos!Ph. Take my advice and hide. Pretend you have run away.I’ll say you’ve sailed to the Persian wars in Clinia’s ship.And when your father finds that Clinia is safe, and he1311Demands Antiphila’s hand, the rest will be all forgotten.Sost.Is Antiphila to marry Clinia?Ph.Yes, ma’am.Sost.Menedemus’ son,That ran away?Ph.Yes, ma’am.Sost.Why, Chremes said he was killed.Ph.It’s all a mistake; you’ve spoken to him to-day yourself:He is Clitipho.Sost.O dear! I must tell Chremes this.How glad I am!Ph.Stay, madam, stay; I pray you won’t.Your husband will find that out quite soon enough for us.Far better see Menedemus, if he will help us out.Sost.What could he do?Ph.He’ll stand our friend. How could he wish1320To see Antiphila’s brother driven disgraced from home?Sost.Go, Pamphilus, go at once!Pam.Clinia is there; I will.Sost.And can I then tell Chremes?Ph.Madam, consider this:He won’t believe you, and after will only be angry with youFor knowing it first, and being in the right when he was wrong.Sost.’Tis all so strange, that really and truly I don’t supposeThat any one would believe it. It may be best to wait.But you should waste no time, Pamphilus; go at once.Pam.I go, but do not tell him where I am gone.[Exit Pam.Sost.No, son.I’ll do my best to win him. (To Ph.) I thank you, sir, very kindly.[Exit Sostrata.Ph.I wish you good success.1330A sensible body. I leanOn her and old Menedemus. Not that I doubt myself;I know a stroke to play: is’t not the feast of Bacchus?I will invoke the god; his genius will confoundThis dull, contrary Chremes. What’s his humour worthTo gods or men, that I should bow to it? Nay, & sinceWhate’er the humour be, ’tis the persistencyThat carries it, to hell with dumps! ’Twere póor mérriment1338That Chremes’ frown could dash. Why, if there be a choice’Twixt Chremes pleased and Chremes angry, of the twoThis latter, angry Chremes is the more ridiculous.

PAMPHILUS and CLINIA.PAMPHILUS.’TIS simply ruin, Clinia; pray come back at once.Do wait till after dinner.CLINIA.I couldn’t.Pam.The governorWill smoke it all if you go: ’twill break our party up.Clin.My father thinks I am killed.Pam.What matter so you’re not?1050Clin.He’ll be so grieved. Indeed I can’t consider your party.Pam.You’re most ungrateful.Clin.Nay indeed, good Pamphilus,I am much obliged for all your kindness; I say so again.But this I told you expressly I did not wish.Pam.You’ve gotMore than you ever hoped. Antiphila here: your fatherBrought nicely round: and all through my good management.And now you’ll throw me over for want of a little patience.Clin.To be free with you, I do not like being half drawn in, as I am,To tricking your father of fifty pounds. Besides I am hereUnder a false name, as his guest. Antiphila tooIs passing off for somebody else, I know not who;1061While you and Philolaches have deceived your father and mine,In a way that I cannot be party to.Pam.Wait. Here comes my father.I’ll show you now what kind of a temper I risk for you.Enter Chremes from town.CHREMES.Wheu! back at last. Wheu, wheu! my word! as hot as hot!Wheu! bah! and all this worry and flurry for nothing: wheu!I am covered and choked with dust. I wish most heartilyThese Persians had found their grave at Chrysnotaparoys.I vow that the famous army of Darius never gaveSuch trouble to brave Miltiades at Marathon,1070As these two rascally slinkers have given to me. Wheu! Wheu!Pam.(advancing). Have you not found them, father?Chr.If I have found them? No.I went to the port; the ship I found there sure enough,But I could not hear of them. A single passenger,They said, had landed; and he was a Greek. I enquired besidesAt all the houses along the road: there was not a man,Who had even so much as seen them.Sostrata(within).Chremes! Chremes!Chr.Ah!Enter Sostrata from Chremes’ house.SOSTRATA.O husband! husband!Chr.O wife! wife!Sost.She is found, she is found!Chr.Who’s found?Sost.Our daughter, our long-lost daughter is found.Chr.What now?Sost.Look! this is the necklace, this the ring.Chr.Why, what d’ye mean?1080Sost.See, husband, if you remember them; they are the very sameOur daughter Antiphila wore, the day she was stolen.Chr.Hey!What’s this?Sost.I knew them at once.Chr.Then tell me at once, whén,How, and where did you find them?Sost.The girl that Gorgo broughtWore them. I knew them at once: and when I heard her name....Chr.Antiphila?Sost.Yes, Antiphila.Chr.Quite so. You heard the name;That made you think this girl our daughter: I’ll wager my lifeShe’s no such thing. ’Tis unsupposable.Sost.Dearest husband,I always knew we should find her. I’ve said so a thousand times.1089Chr.Oh yes! you always knew beforehand of everythingAfter it happened, wife: there’s nothing could occurBut you would tell me you told me before. And yet this timeDo not be wise too soon.Sost.Why, here’s the ring itself,The necklace and the name.Chr.The name is a common name,And rings and necklaces too are made so much alike,They’re nothing to go by.Sost.Then I have spoken to her, Chremes,And she is so like her:—Chr.Hey! here’s fine proof indeed;Just think for once now what you have said. You recognizeIn a grown-up lady, you say, the baby you have never seenSince she was three! Why, even supposing she was not changedIn all these fifteen years, could you remember herSo long?1101Sost.But she is my daughter: that makes the difference.Chr.Why, that’s the very question. Is she? And if she was,What difference could it make? But if you have spoken with her,Where does she say she comes from?Sost.She says she lives in the townWith an old Corinthian widow . . .I know: the mother of Gorgo.They live together, do they? Then just send Gorgo here.Sost.Indeed she has nothing to do with Gorgo.Chr.According to thatThere are two Corinthian widows.Sost.Two?Chr.Why not? I supposeThere must be two, unless it’s the same.Sost.But who is the other?1110Chr.There isn’t another at all. Bring Gorgo here at once.She’ll know enough of the facts to set this matter at rest.Sost.Why, Chremes . . .Chr.I say, fetch Gorgo.Sost.I assure you, Chremes dear . . .Chr.Do go and fetch her, wife.Sost.Well, as you will....Chr.Of course.Dó I ever express an opinion, issue a command,Without an ample reason? (Exit Sostrata.)’Twould be strange!—(To Pam.) Now, sir,Had you not heard of this?Pam.No, father.Chr.And there you stand,As dull as a fish! Why, what will you think, if this be true,Of finding a sister?Pam.Sir, you wished me a happy day:As nothing was more unlooked for, nothing is happierIn the world than this.Chr.Yet there’s your friend, a perfect stranger.1121Is far more moved than you. You go to the play, I know:Fifty per cent. of all our Attic comediesHave this same plot, a daughter stolen in early years,Lost sight of, despaired of, almost forgotten, and then at last,When least expected—although there’s scarce a soul in the houseThat does not know or guess it beforehand—she reappears.Then are not all eyes wet? Why, that’s the poetic art,Which makes emotion, and sells it to fools at market price.You have pitied the child, have pictured the thousand possible ills1130She may have encountered, hardships of body and mind, neglect,The injuries and privations of slavery, wrongs and blows;The lack of all that care, to which, in a mother’s love,The meanest birth is titled, without which even brutesPerish for lack of instinct: the tenderness of sexYou have thought of; her innocence, the snares of a merciless worldFor the unprotected, and then this picture you contrastWith the comfortable, gentéel hóme the scene presents.You feel for the parents then—ay, tho’ some ridiculeBe fastened upon them; ’tis by such touches of flesh and blood1140The life comes home to your heart, and while you are made to smile,You weep. You have paid for the tear, or if your false shameForbids you to shew your feeling, you’ve bought a lump in the throat.You praise the play, because ’tis a tender situation.Enough to stir the blood of a crocodile like yourself:I catch you weeping—slap! all’s changed. ’Tis not a play:The stage is yóur hóme, the actors your father and mother,Your own sister is found, & where’s your feeling now?I think your heart is made of matting! Your friend, I say,Is far more moved: I see the tears stand in his eyes.1150Clin.’Tis joy. I wish you joy, sir. I wish your daughter joy.And, may I say it, your happiness brings happiness to me.Chr.I thank you, Clitipho; but now we go too fast:Because I don’t at all suppose this is my daughter.Ho! Gorgo! where’s Gorgo? (Goes to door.)Clin.(to Pam.).O Pamphilus, I am in heaven:For if Antiphila really be your sister, thenMy father cannot oppose our marriage.Pam.No more will mine.’Twill make him as proud as a peacock.Clin.Sweetest Antiphila.Pam.Quite so: but what in the world do you think will happen to me,When he finds out?Clin.Oh, I have attained the life of the gods!1160Pam.Go on. You will not tell me now I have done too much?Clin.Oh no: I forgive it all.Pam.Forgive it?Clin.I thank you for it.Pam.I shall need more than thanks.Clin.O Pamphilus, anything.What can I give you?Pam.Listen. If things go well with you,They’re not so smart with me: and if you wish to help me,I only see one hope.Clin.What’s that?Pam.That you should winYour father to plead for me: after all I have done for him,I think he might: and if you ask him, I am sure he will.Concealment is out of the question: go to him now at once,And tell him all.Clin.Indeed I was going; but may I not seeAntiphila first?Pam.No, no, there’s not a moment to lose.The governor will be back, and if he finds you out,1172You’ll have to go to your father with him, and what a taleHe’ll tell it’s easy to guess.Clin.I would not consent to that.I’ll go at once.Pam.Go quickly, before Gorgo comes.[Exit Clinia.Quick! Quick!And just in time. I wonder what she will say.Chr.(at the door to Gorgo). I want you a moment, Gorgo.Enter Gorgo with Sostrata.Prithee, be so goodAs just to answer my questions. This girl AntiphilaWho came with you, is your maid? Don’t look at my son and laugh.I am serious. Is this girl your servant?GORGO.No.Chr.She is not?She lives with you?Gor.No.Chr.I thought you lived with the widow woman,1181Who came from Corinth. Pray be sober. I want to know.You told me you did.Gor.Ay, sir.Chr.And yet AntiphilaDoes not live with you?Gor.No, sir.Chr.When did you see her first?Gor.This morning.Chr.Indeed. And can you tell me nothing about her?Gor.Nothing whatever.Chr.I thank you. I’ve nothing to ask you then.Gor.It’s thank you for nothing, sir! No further commands at present?Chr.Peace, prithee, peace!(To Sostrata.) Now, wife, you see I was right for once.Gorgo knows nothing about her.Sost.I told you she didn’t, Chremes.1189Chr.But then you said she lived with the widow. You see she doesn’t,And Gorgo does.Sost.I can’t believe it. Antiphila told meThe widow’s name; and then the very clothes she woreThe day she was stolen, she has laid by.Chr.Eh! said she so?Then you should have sent for the woman, told her to bring the clothes.Sost.So, Chremes, I did, but the poor old lady’s too ill to come:But the clothes were sent. I have seen them.Chr.And are they the same?Sost.They are.Chr.Why then did you not spare me all this trouble, wife?Why did you not tell me before of the clothes?Sost.You would not hear!Chr.Not hear! when all the time I was asking you this and that.Ye gods! have ye never made one reasonable woman?1200Don’t you see that the clothes are the chiefest matter of all?Why, they’re a proof.Sost.Then do you believe?Chr.Ay, wife, come in.I think we have found our daughter.[Exeunt Sost. and Chr.Gor.Oho! ho! ho!O he does make me laugh.And when he finds all out, the silly old man, at last,How I shall love to see him!Pam.Indeed you must not stay.Gor.Why not?Pam.Why, don’t you see how mad he’ll be?Gor.He will.Pam.He’ll want that forty pounds.Gor.He may want.Pam.I am afraidYou cannot keep it.Gor.I not keep it? What! d’ye thinkI’d give it him back?Pam.I think you had better make sure of it.Take my advice and go.Gor.I am sorry to go, and yetWhat should I stay for now? There’ll be no dinner.1210Pam.No,That there won’t.Gor.Well, make my excuses,& give your fatherMy kind congratulations.Pam.Go!Gor.With the same to you.Antiphila’s quite a dove.Pam.Do go!Gor.Good-bye, my lad.It’s wisest to go, I see: but if the old man should askWhere I am gone to . . .Pam.Well?Gor.Why, tell him I’m gone to spend[Exit.His forty pounds in the town. Ta ta!Pam.I think that womanHas done for me. Thank the gods she’s gone, and just in time;Here somebody comes from the house.Enter Philolaches from Chremes’ house.PHILOLACHES.Look out, Pamphilus!Your father is coming after you.Pam.He has found us out of course?1220Ph.He has guessed who Gorgo is; but still is quite in the dark.He still imagines Clinia slain and torn to bitsOn the plains of what d’ye call it.—Pam.What is best to do?Ph.Nothing. Let him rave it out. The quicker he heats,The quicker he’ll cool.Pam.But if you had ever seen him angry . . .Ph.Don’t be afraid.Pam.I am.Ph.Throw all the blame on me.Pam.I hear him.Re-enter Chremes, speaking as he comes out to Sostrata within.Chr.It’s high time, wife, you stopped this precious noise,Deafening the gods with singing all your confounded praisesFor finding your daughter. You judge them by yourself perhaps,And think they can’t understand a simple thing, unlessIt’s told them a hundred times.(To Pam.)Now, sir, ’tis you I want.1230Come here.Pam.What, father?Chr.What, father?As innocentAs milk, no doubt. You think it’s possible I do not know?I’ll tell you what: to-day I have found a daughter, sir,And lost a son. Begone and take your Gorgo with you:For I’ll not own you longer. Be off! Go where you will:But see you ne’er set foot beneath my roof again.Pam.Father, what do you mean? What have I done?Chr.You dareAsk! If I tell you now that you are a reprobate,An idle, dissipated, licentious, spendthrift fellow:—Is that enough?Pam.O father!1240Chr.Or if I add the rest,A mean, deceitful, undutiful, snivelling, sneaking cheat;A liar.Pam.Oh, I am not.Chr.Well, you deny it, do you?I’ll ask you is this true or not. You found that I,With a view to help our neighbour, wished to see the girlThat got his son into trouble. You undertook to bring her.I trusted you wholly, could not expect to be played on bý you;You knew her, and I did not, had never heard her name;And this you knew, and took occasion to introduceA different person altogether, a friend of your own,1250A woman whose very presence was an insult; and not contentWith abusing my confidence & kindness, my sheer disgustYou turned to your own account, and so, on a mock pretenceOf doing my neighbour a wonderful service, made me payI don’t know what. You blinded me, and robbed me, and all the while’Twas yóur víle místress I was entertaining for you,And paying out of my pocket for nothing. Is that not true?Was it not enough to have this creature sit down to dineWith your mother and me? ay, and with your sister? and as for her,Yóu have been the means of aspersing her character,The day when she is restored to the family. Yes, ’tis she1260Is the lady in question, and I have been running here and thereTo diffame my own daughter to my neighbour, and thanks to youHave been a pretty fool! And if his son returns,—For now I am so confused that whether he’s living or deadI have not a notion,—but if, I say, he should return,And ask Antiphila’s hand, would then Menedemus believeThat I did not tell him the truth before I knew any causeTo wish for one thing more than another? I say be off!Ask me what you’ve done? A treasure of innocenceYou are! Begone! I’ll never see you again. Begone!1271Ph.For patience’ sake, one word from me, sir! PamphilusWas not so much in fault; I am the one to blame:He truly intended to introduce Antiphila;And I was sent to fetch her: but when it appeared her friendsWould not consent to allow that you should interfereBetween Menedemus and her, then, on the spur of the moment,The ladies were changed, & that at my suggestion, sir.Chr.I interfere, you say? ’Tis you that interfere,I think. Pray hold your tongue; or if you wish to advise,Advise your friend again: he needs it more than I;1281Maybe he’ll thank you for it. I neither ask nor want it.Re-enter Sostrata.(To Pam.) To you, sir, I have no more to add. Begone at once!’Twill spare your sister pain, if she shdnever know you;Not that there’s aught to lose. Now, if there is anythingYou want in the house, go in at once and fetch it. Look,I’ll give you half an hour.Sost.Chremes, what are you saying?Chr.I have only said, wife, what I told you; and you may nowBid your dear Pamphilus good-bye.Sost.How cruel you are!1289Do you wish to kill your son? You’ll certainly be his death,Unless you mind. I wonder how anything so wickedCould have come into your head.Chr.Oh, will you never learnTo keep your place, woman? Was there ever a thingWhich I ever proposed or did in my whole life, in whichYou did not go against me? But shdI ask you nowWhat wrong I am doing, or why I do the thing I do,You would not know: you could not tell me anythingOf the matter in which so confidently you oppose me. Fool!Sost.I do not know?Chr.Well, well, you do know. AnythingRather than have it all over again.Sost.How iniquitous of you,To prevent my speaking in such a matter!1300Chr.I don’t prevent you.[Exit.Go on! Talk yourself hoarse.Pam.Mother, what shall I do?Sost.What did he say?Pam.He says he disowns me.Sost.Don’t give way.He is angry now: I know he’ll soon be kind again.Ph.Quite so, madam; a father’s threats are nothing to fear.Pam.I am glad you think so.Ph.Don’t be angry with me, Pam!I’ve got you into a mess, but if you’ll trust to me,I’ll get you out.Sost.How kind of you, Mr. Philogelos!Ph. Take my advice and hide. Pretend you have run away.I’ll say you’ve sailed to the Persian wars in Clinia’s ship.And when your father finds that Clinia is safe, and he1311Demands Antiphila’s hand, the rest will be all forgotten.Sost.Is Antiphila to marry Clinia?Ph.Yes, ma’am.Sost.Menedemus’ son,That ran away?Ph.Yes, ma’am.Sost.Why, Chremes said he was killed.Ph.It’s all a mistake; you’ve spoken to him to-day yourself:He is Clitipho.Sost.O dear! I must tell Chremes this.How glad I am!Ph.Stay, madam, stay; I pray you won’t.Your husband will find that out quite soon enough for us.Far better see Menedemus, if he will help us out.Sost.What could he do?Ph.He’ll stand our friend. How could he wish1320To see Antiphila’s brother driven disgraced from home?Sost.Go, Pamphilus, go at once!Pam.Clinia is there; I will.Sost.And can I then tell Chremes?Ph.Madam, consider this:He won’t believe you, and after will only be angry with youFor knowing it first, and being in the right when he was wrong.Sost.’Tis all so strange, that really and truly I don’t supposeThat any one would believe it. It may be best to wait.But you should waste no time, Pamphilus; go at once.Pam.I go, but do not tell him where I am gone.[Exit Pam.Sost.No, son.I’ll do my best to win him. (To Ph.) I thank you, sir, very kindly.[Exit Sostrata.Ph.I wish you good success.1330A sensible body. I leanOn her and old Menedemus. Not that I doubt myself;I know a stroke to play: is’t not the feast of Bacchus?I will invoke the god; his genius will confoundThis dull, contrary Chremes. What’s his humour worthTo gods or men, that I should bow to it? Nay, & sinceWhate’er the humour be, ’tis the persistencyThat carries it, to hell with dumps! ’Twere póor mérriment1338That Chremes’ frown could dash. Why, if there be a choice’Twixt Chremes pleased and Chremes angry, of the twoThis latter, angry Chremes is the more ridiculous.

PAMPHILUS and CLINIA.PAMPHILUS.

PAMPHILUS and CLINIA.

PAMPHILUS.

’TIS simply ruin, Clinia; pray come back at once.Do wait till after dinner.

’TIS simply ruin, Clinia; pray come back at once.

Do wait till after dinner.

CLINIA.

I couldn’t.

Pam.The governorWill smoke it all if you go: ’twill break our party up.

Pam.The governor

Will smoke it all if you go: ’twill break our party up.

Clin.My father thinks I am killed.

Pam.What matter so you’re not?

1050Clin.He’ll be so grieved. Indeed I can’t consider your party.

Clin.He’ll be so grieved. Indeed I can’t consider your party.

Pam.You’re most ungrateful.

Clin.Nay indeed, good Pamphilus,I am much obliged for all your kindness; I say so again.But this I told you expressly I did not wish.

Clin.Nay indeed, good Pamphilus,

I am much obliged for all your kindness; I say so again.

But this I told you expressly I did not wish.

Pam.You’ve gotMore than you ever hoped. Antiphila here: your fatherBrought nicely round: and all through my good management.And now you’ll throw me over for want of a little patience.

Pam.You’ve got

More than you ever hoped. Antiphila here: your father

Brought nicely round: and all through my good management.

And now you’ll throw me over for want of a little patience.

Clin.To be free with you, I do not like being half drawn in, as I am,To tricking your father of fifty pounds. Besides I am hereUnder a false name, as his guest. Antiphila tooIs passing off for somebody else, I know not who;1061While you and Philolaches have deceived your father and mine,In a way that I cannot be party to.

Clin.To be free with you, I do not like being half drawn in, as I am,

To tricking your father of fifty pounds. Besides I am here

Under a false name, as his guest. Antiphila too

Is passing off for somebody else, I know not who;

While you and Philolaches have deceived your father and mine,

In a way that I cannot be party to.

Pam.Wait. Here comes my father.I’ll show you now what kind of a temper I risk for you.

Pam.Wait. Here comes my father.

I’ll show you now what kind of a temper I risk for you.

Enter Chremes from town.

CHREMES.

Wheu! back at last. Wheu, wheu! my word! as hot as hot!Wheu! bah! and all this worry and flurry for nothing: wheu!I am covered and choked with dust. I wish most heartilyThese Persians had found their grave at Chrysnotaparoys.I vow that the famous army of Darius never gaveSuch trouble to brave Miltiades at Marathon,1070As these two rascally slinkers have given to me. Wheu! Wheu!

Wheu! back at last. Wheu, wheu! my word! as hot as hot!

Wheu! bah! and all this worry and flurry for nothing: wheu!

I am covered and choked with dust. I wish most heartily

These Persians had found their grave at Chrysnotaparoys.

I vow that the famous army of Darius never gave

Such trouble to brave Miltiades at Marathon,

As these two rascally slinkers have given to me. Wheu! Wheu!

Pam.(advancing). Have you not found them, father?

Chr.If I have found them? No.I went to the port; the ship I found there sure enough,But I could not hear of them. A single passenger,They said, had landed; and he was a Greek. I enquired besidesAt all the houses along the road: there was not a man,Who had even so much as seen them.

Chr.If I have found them? No.

I went to the port; the ship I found there sure enough,

But I could not hear of them. A single passenger,

They said, had landed; and he was a Greek. I enquired besides

At all the houses along the road: there was not a man,

Who had even so much as seen them.

Sostrata(within).Chremes! Chremes!

Chr.Ah!

Enter Sostrata from Chremes’ house.

SOSTRATA.

O husband! husband!

Chr.O wife! wife!

Sost.She is found, she is found!

Chr.Who’s found?

Sost.Our daughter, our long-lost daughter is found.

Chr.What now?

Sost.Look! this is the necklace, this the ring.

Chr.Why, what d’ye mean?

1080Sost.See, husband, if you remember them; they are the very sameOur daughter Antiphila wore, the day she was stolen.

Sost.See, husband, if you remember them; they are the very same

Our daughter Antiphila wore, the day she was stolen.

Chr.Hey!What’s this?

Chr.Hey!

What’s this?

Sost.I knew them at once.

Chr.Then tell me at once, whén,How, and where did you find them?

Chr.Then tell me at once, whén,

How, and where did you find them?

Sost.The girl that Gorgo broughtWore them. I knew them at once: and when I heard her name....

Sost.The girl that Gorgo brought

Wore them. I knew them at once: and when I heard her name....

Chr.Antiphila?

Sost.Yes, Antiphila.

Chr.Quite so. You heard the name;That made you think this girl our daughter: I’ll wager my lifeShe’s no such thing. ’Tis unsupposable.

Chr.Quite so. You heard the name;

That made you think this girl our daughter: I’ll wager my life

She’s no such thing. ’Tis unsupposable.

Sost.Dearest husband,I always knew we should find her. I’ve said so a thousand times.

Sost.Dearest husband,

I always knew we should find her. I’ve said so a thousand times.

1089Chr.Oh yes! you always knew beforehand of everythingAfter it happened, wife: there’s nothing could occurBut you would tell me you told me before. And yet this timeDo not be wise too soon.

Chr.Oh yes! you always knew beforehand of everything

After it happened, wife: there’s nothing could occur

But you would tell me you told me before. And yet this time

Do not be wise too soon.

Sost.Why, here’s the ring itself,The necklace and the name.

Sost.Why, here’s the ring itself,

The necklace and the name.

Chr.The name is a common name,And rings and necklaces too are made so much alike,They’re nothing to go by.

Chr.The name is a common name,

And rings and necklaces too are made so much alike,

They’re nothing to go by.

Sost.Then I have spoken to her, Chremes,And she is so like her:—

Sost.Then I have spoken to her, Chremes,

And she is so like her:—

Chr.Hey! here’s fine proof indeed;Just think for once now what you have said. You recognizeIn a grown-up lady, you say, the baby you have never seenSince she was three! Why, even supposing she was not changedIn all these fifteen years, could you remember herSo long?

Chr.Hey! here’s fine proof indeed;

Just think for once now what you have said. You recognize

In a grown-up lady, you say, the baby you have never seen

Since she was three! Why, even supposing she was not changed

In all these fifteen years, could you remember her

So long?

1101Sost.But she is my daughter: that makes the difference.

Sost.But she is my daughter: that makes the difference.

Chr.Why, that’s the very question. Is she? And if she was,What difference could it make? But if you have spoken with her,Where does she say she comes from?

Chr.Why, that’s the very question. Is she? And if she was,

What difference could it make? But if you have spoken with her,

Where does she say she comes from?

Sost.She says she lives in the townWith an old Corinthian widow . . .I know: the mother of Gorgo.They live together, do they? Then just send Gorgo here.

Sost.She says she lives in the town

With an old Corinthian widow . . .

I know: the mother of Gorgo.

They live together, do they? Then just send Gorgo here.

Sost.Indeed she has nothing to do with Gorgo.

Chr.According to thatThere are two Corinthian widows.

Chr.According to that

There are two Corinthian widows.

Sost.Two?

Chr.Why not? I supposeThere must be two, unless it’s the same.

Chr.Why not? I suppose

There must be two, unless it’s the same.

Sost.But who is the other?

1110Chr.There isn’t another at all. Bring Gorgo here at once.She’ll know enough of the facts to set this matter at rest.

Chr.There isn’t another at all. Bring Gorgo here at once.

She’ll know enough of the facts to set this matter at rest.

Sost.Why, Chremes . . .

Chr.I say, fetch Gorgo.

Sost.I assure you, Chremes dear . . .

Chr.Do go and fetch her, wife.

Sost.Well, as you will....

Chr.Of course.Dó I ever express an opinion, issue a command,Without an ample reason? (Exit Sostrata.)’Twould be strange!—(To Pam.) Now, sir,Had you not heard of this?

Chr.Of course.

Dó I ever express an opinion, issue a command,

Without an ample reason? (Exit Sostrata.)

’Twould be strange!—(To Pam.) Now, sir,

Had you not heard of this?

Pam.No, father.

Chr.And there you stand,As dull as a fish! Why, what will you think, if this be true,Of finding a sister?

Chr.And there you stand,

As dull as a fish! Why, what will you think, if this be true,

Of finding a sister?

Pam.Sir, you wished me a happy day:As nothing was more unlooked for, nothing is happierIn the world than this.

Pam.Sir, you wished me a happy day:

As nothing was more unlooked for, nothing is happier

In the world than this.

Chr.Yet there’s your friend, a perfect stranger.1121Is far more moved than you. You go to the play, I know:Fifty per cent. of all our Attic comediesHave this same plot, a daughter stolen in early years,Lost sight of, despaired of, almost forgotten, and then at last,When least expected—although there’s scarce a soul in the houseThat does not know or guess it beforehand—she reappears.Then are not all eyes wet? Why, that’s the poetic art,Which makes emotion, and sells it to fools at market price.You have pitied the child, have pictured the thousand possible ills1130She may have encountered, hardships of body and mind, neglect,The injuries and privations of slavery, wrongs and blows;The lack of all that care, to which, in a mother’s love,The meanest birth is titled, without which even brutesPerish for lack of instinct: the tenderness of sexYou have thought of; her innocence, the snares of a merciless worldFor the unprotected, and then this picture you contrastWith the comfortable, gentéel hóme the scene presents.You feel for the parents then—ay, tho’ some ridiculeBe fastened upon them; ’tis by such touches of flesh and blood1140The life comes home to your heart, and while you are made to smile,You weep. You have paid for the tear, or if your false shameForbids you to shew your feeling, you’ve bought a lump in the throat.You praise the play, because ’tis a tender situation.Enough to stir the blood of a crocodile like yourself:I catch you weeping—slap! all’s changed. ’Tis not a play:The stage is yóur hóme, the actors your father and mother,Your own sister is found, & where’s your feeling now?I think your heart is made of matting! Your friend, I say,Is far more moved: I see the tears stand in his eyes.

Chr.Yet there’s your friend, a perfect stranger.

Is far more moved than you. You go to the play, I know:

Fifty per cent. of all our Attic comedies

Have this same plot, a daughter stolen in early years,

Lost sight of, despaired of, almost forgotten, and then at last,

When least expected—although there’s scarce a soul in the house

That does not know or guess it beforehand—she reappears.

Then are not all eyes wet? Why, that’s the poetic art,

Which makes emotion, and sells it to fools at market price.

You have pitied the child, have pictured the thousand possible ills

She may have encountered, hardships of body and mind, neglect,

The injuries and privations of slavery, wrongs and blows;

The lack of all that care, to which, in a mother’s love,

The meanest birth is titled, without which even brutes

Perish for lack of instinct: the tenderness of sex

You have thought of; her innocence, the snares of a merciless world

For the unprotected, and then this picture you contrast

With the comfortable, gentéel hóme the scene presents.

You feel for the parents then—ay, tho’ some ridicule

Be fastened upon them; ’tis by such touches of flesh and blood

The life comes home to your heart, and while you are made to smile,

You weep. You have paid for the tear, or if your false shame

Forbids you to shew your feeling, you’ve bought a lump in the throat.

You praise the play, because ’tis a tender situation.

Enough to stir the blood of a crocodile like yourself:

I catch you weeping—slap! all’s changed. ’Tis not a play:

The stage is yóur hóme, the actors your father and mother,

Your own sister is found, & where’s your feeling now?

I think your heart is made of matting! Your friend, I say,

Is far more moved: I see the tears stand in his eyes.

1150Clin.’Tis joy. I wish you joy, sir. I wish your daughter joy.And, may I say it, your happiness brings happiness to me.

Clin.’Tis joy. I wish you joy, sir. I wish your daughter joy.

And, may I say it, your happiness brings happiness to me.

Chr.I thank you, Clitipho; but now we go too fast:Because I don’t at all suppose this is my daughter.Ho! Gorgo! where’s Gorgo? (Goes to door.)

Chr.I thank you, Clitipho; but now we go too fast:

Because I don’t at all suppose this is my daughter.

Ho! Gorgo! where’s Gorgo? (Goes to door.)

Clin.(to Pam.).O Pamphilus, I am in heaven:For if Antiphila really be your sister, thenMy father cannot oppose our marriage.

Clin.(to Pam.).O Pamphilus, I am in heaven:

For if Antiphila really be your sister, then

My father cannot oppose our marriage.

Pam.No more will mine.’Twill make him as proud as a peacock.

Pam.No more will mine.

’Twill make him as proud as a peacock.

Clin.Sweetest Antiphila.

Pam.Quite so: but what in the world do you think will happen to me,When he finds out?

Pam.Quite so: but what in the world do you think will happen to me,

When he finds out?

Clin.Oh, I have attained the life of the gods!

1160Pam.Go on. You will not tell me now I have done too much?

Pam.Go on. You will not tell me now I have done too much?

Clin.Oh no: I forgive it all.

Pam.Forgive it?

Clin.I thank you for it.

Pam.I shall need more than thanks.

Clin.O Pamphilus, anything.What can I give you?

Clin.O Pamphilus, anything.

What can I give you?

Pam.Listen. If things go well with you,They’re not so smart with me: and if you wish to help me,I only see one hope.

Pam.Listen. If things go well with you,

They’re not so smart with me: and if you wish to help me,

I only see one hope.

Clin.What’s that?

Pam.That you should winYour father to plead for me: after all I have done for him,I think he might: and if you ask him, I am sure he will.Concealment is out of the question: go to him now at once,And tell him all.

Pam.That you should win

Your father to plead for me: after all I have done for him,

I think he might: and if you ask him, I am sure he will.

Concealment is out of the question: go to him now at once,

And tell him all.

Clin.Indeed I was going; but may I not seeAntiphila first?

Clin.Indeed I was going; but may I not see

Antiphila first?

Pam.No, no, there’s not a moment to lose.The governor will be back, and if he finds you out,1172You’ll have to go to your father with him, and what a taleHe’ll tell it’s easy to guess.

Pam.No, no, there’s not a moment to lose.

The governor will be back, and if he finds you out,

You’ll have to go to your father with him, and what a tale

He’ll tell it’s easy to guess.

Clin.I would not consent to that.I’ll go at once.

Clin.I would not consent to that.

I’ll go at once.

Pam.Go quickly, before Gorgo comes.[Exit Clinia.Quick! Quick!And just in time. I wonder what she will say.

Pam.Go quickly, before Gorgo comes.

Quick! Quick!

And just in time. I wonder what she will say.

Chr.(at the door to Gorgo). I want you a moment, Gorgo.

Enter Gorgo with Sostrata.

Prithee, be so goodAs just to answer my questions. This girl AntiphilaWho came with you, is your maid? Don’t look at my son and laugh.I am serious. Is this girl your servant?

Prithee, be so good

As just to answer my questions. This girl Antiphila

Who came with you, is your maid? Don’t look at my son and laugh.

I am serious. Is this girl your servant?

GORGO.

No.

Chr.She is not?She lives with you?

Chr.She is not?

She lives with you?

Gor.No.

Chr.I thought you lived with the widow woman,1181Who came from Corinth. Pray be sober. I want to know.You told me you did.

Chr.I thought you lived with the widow woman,

Who came from Corinth. Pray be sober. I want to know.

You told me you did.

Gor.Ay, sir.

Chr.And yet AntiphilaDoes not live with you?

Chr.And yet Antiphila

Does not live with you?

Gor.No, sir.

Chr.When did you see her first?

Gor.This morning.

Chr.Indeed. And can you tell me nothing about her?

Gor.Nothing whatever.

Chr.I thank you. I’ve nothing to ask you then.

Gor.It’s thank you for nothing, sir! No further commands at present?

Chr.Peace, prithee, peace!(To Sostrata.) Now, wife, you see I was right for once.Gorgo knows nothing about her.

Chr.Peace, prithee, peace!

(To Sostrata.) Now, wife, you see I was right for once.

Gorgo knows nothing about her.

Sost.I told you she didn’t, Chremes.

1189Chr.But then you said she lived with the widow. You see she doesn’t,And Gorgo does.

Chr.But then you said she lived with the widow. You see she doesn’t,

And Gorgo does.

Sost.I can’t believe it. Antiphila told meThe widow’s name; and then the very clothes she woreThe day she was stolen, she has laid by.

Sost.I can’t believe it. Antiphila told me

The widow’s name; and then the very clothes she wore

The day she was stolen, she has laid by.

Chr.Eh! said she so?Then you should have sent for the woman, told her to bring the clothes.

Chr.Eh! said she so?

Then you should have sent for the woman, told her to bring the clothes.

Sost.So, Chremes, I did, but the poor old lady’s too ill to come:But the clothes were sent. I have seen them.

Sost.So, Chremes, I did, but the poor old lady’s too ill to come:

But the clothes were sent. I have seen them.

Chr.And are they the same?

Sost.They are.

Chr.Why then did you not spare me all this trouble, wife?Why did you not tell me before of the clothes?

Chr.Why then did you not spare me all this trouble, wife?

Why did you not tell me before of the clothes?

Sost.You would not hear!

Chr.Not hear! when all the time I was asking you this and that.Ye gods! have ye never made one reasonable woman?1200Don’t you see that the clothes are the chiefest matter of all?Why, they’re a proof.

Chr.Not hear! when all the time I was asking you this and that.

Ye gods! have ye never made one reasonable woman?

Don’t you see that the clothes are the chiefest matter of all?

Why, they’re a proof.

Sost.Then do you believe?

Chr.Ay, wife, come in.I think we have found our daughter.

Chr.Ay, wife, come in.

I think we have found our daughter.

[Exeunt Sost. and Chr.Gor.Oho! ho! ho!O he does make me laugh.And when he finds all out, the silly old man, at last,How I shall love to see him!

Gor.Oho! ho! ho!

O he does make me laugh.

And when he finds all out, the silly old man, at last,

How I shall love to see him!

Pam.Indeed you must not stay.

Gor.Why not?

Pam.Why, don’t you see how mad he’ll be?

Gor.He will.

Pam.He’ll want that forty pounds.

Gor.He may want.

Pam.I am afraidYou cannot keep it.

Pam.I am afraid

You cannot keep it.

Gor.I not keep it? What! d’ye thinkI’d give it him back?

Gor.I not keep it? What! d’ye think

I’d give it him back?

Pam.I think you had better make sure of it.Take my advice and go.

Pam.I think you had better make sure of it.

Take my advice and go.

Gor.I am sorry to go, and yetWhat should I stay for now? There’ll be no dinner.

Gor.I am sorry to go, and yet

What should I stay for now? There’ll be no dinner.

1210Pam.No,That there won’t.

Pam.No,

That there won’t.

Gor.Well, make my excuses,& give your fatherMy kind congratulations.

Gor.Well, make my excuses,& give your father

My kind congratulations.

Pam.Go!

Gor.With the same to you.Antiphila’s quite a dove.

Gor.With the same to you.

Antiphila’s quite a dove.

Pam.Do go!

Gor.Good-bye, my lad.It’s wisest to go, I see: but if the old man should askWhere I am gone to . . .

Gor.Good-bye, my lad.

It’s wisest to go, I see: but if the old man should ask

Where I am gone to . . .

Pam.Well?

Gor.Why, tell him I’m gone to spend[Exit.His forty pounds in the town. Ta ta!

Gor.Why, tell him I’m gone to spend

His forty pounds in the town. Ta ta!

Pam.I think that womanHas done for me. Thank the gods she’s gone, and just in time;Here somebody comes from the house.

Pam.I think that woman

Has done for me. Thank the gods she’s gone, and just in time;

Here somebody comes from the house.

Enter Philolaches from Chremes’ house.

PHILOLACHES.

Look out, Pamphilus!Your father is coming after you.

Look out, Pamphilus!

Your father is coming after you.

Pam.He has found us out of course?

1220Ph.He has guessed who Gorgo is; but still is quite in the dark.He still imagines Clinia slain and torn to bitsOn the plains of what d’ye call it.—

Ph.He has guessed who Gorgo is; but still is quite in the dark.

He still imagines Clinia slain and torn to bits

On the plains of what d’ye call it.—

Pam.What is best to do?

Ph.Nothing. Let him rave it out. The quicker he heats,The quicker he’ll cool.

Ph.Nothing. Let him rave it out. The quicker he heats,

The quicker he’ll cool.

Pam.But if you had ever seen him angry . . .

Ph.Don’t be afraid.

Pam.I am.

Ph.Throw all the blame on me.

Pam.I hear him.

Re-enter Chremes, speaking as he comes out to Sostrata within.

Chr.It’s high time, wife, you stopped this precious noise,Deafening the gods with singing all your confounded praisesFor finding your daughter. You judge them by yourself perhaps,And think they can’t understand a simple thing, unlessIt’s told them a hundred times.(To Pam.)Now, sir, ’tis you I want.1230Come here.

Chr.It’s high time, wife, you stopped this precious noise,

Deafening the gods with singing all your confounded praises

For finding your daughter. You judge them by yourself perhaps,

And think they can’t understand a simple thing, unless

It’s told them a hundred times.

(To Pam.)Now, sir, ’tis you I want.1230

Come here.

Pam.What, father?

Chr.What, father?As innocentAs milk, no doubt. You think it’s possible I do not know?I’ll tell you what: to-day I have found a daughter, sir,And lost a son. Begone and take your Gorgo with you:For I’ll not own you longer. Be off! Go where you will:But see you ne’er set foot beneath my roof again.

Chr.What, father?As innocent

As milk, no doubt. You think it’s possible I do not know?

I’ll tell you what: to-day I have found a daughter, sir,

And lost a son. Begone and take your Gorgo with you:

For I’ll not own you longer. Be off! Go where you will:

But see you ne’er set foot beneath my roof again.

Pam.Father, what do you mean? What have I done?

Chr.You dareAsk! If I tell you now that you are a reprobate,An idle, dissipated, licentious, spendthrift fellow:—Is that enough?

Chr.You dare

Ask! If I tell you now that you are a reprobate,

An idle, dissipated, licentious, spendthrift fellow:—

Is that enough?

Pam.O father!

1240Chr.Or if I add the rest,A mean, deceitful, undutiful, snivelling, sneaking cheat;A liar.

Chr.Or if I add the rest,

A mean, deceitful, undutiful, snivelling, sneaking cheat;

A liar.

Pam.Oh, I am not.

Chr.Well, you deny it, do you?I’ll ask you is this true or not. You found that I,With a view to help our neighbour, wished to see the girlThat got his son into trouble. You undertook to bring her.I trusted you wholly, could not expect to be played on bý you;You knew her, and I did not, had never heard her name;And this you knew, and took occasion to introduceA different person altogether, a friend of your own,1250A woman whose very presence was an insult; and not contentWith abusing my confidence & kindness, my sheer disgustYou turned to your own account, and so, on a mock pretenceOf doing my neighbour a wonderful service, made me payI don’t know what. You blinded me, and robbed me, and all the while’Twas yóur víle místress I was entertaining for you,And paying out of my pocket for nothing. Is that not true?Was it not enough to have this creature sit down to dineWith your mother and me? ay, and with your sister? and as for her,Yóu have been the means of aspersing her character,The day when she is restored to the family. Yes, ’tis she1260Is the lady in question, and I have been running here and thereTo diffame my own daughter to my neighbour, and thanks to youHave been a pretty fool! And if his son returns,—For now I am so confused that whether he’s living or deadI have not a notion,—but if, I say, he should return,And ask Antiphila’s hand, would then Menedemus believeThat I did not tell him the truth before I knew any causeTo wish for one thing more than another? I say be off!Ask me what you’ve done? A treasure of innocenceYou are! Begone! I’ll never see you again. Begone!

Chr.Well, you deny it, do you?

I’ll ask you is this true or not. You found that I,

With a view to help our neighbour, wished to see the girl

That got his son into trouble. You undertook to bring her.

I trusted you wholly, could not expect to be played on bý you;

You knew her, and I did not, had never heard her name;

And this you knew, and took occasion to introduce

A different person altogether, a friend of your own,

A woman whose very presence was an insult; and not content

With abusing my confidence & kindness, my sheer disgust

You turned to your own account, and so, on a mock pretence

Of doing my neighbour a wonderful service, made me pay

I don’t know what. You blinded me, and robbed me, and all the while

’Twas yóur víle místress I was entertaining for you,

And paying out of my pocket for nothing. Is that not true?

Was it not enough to have this creature sit down to dine

With your mother and me? ay, and with your sister? and as for her,

Yóu have been the means of aspersing her character,

The day when she is restored to the family. Yes, ’tis she1260

Is the lady in question, and I have been running here and there

To diffame my own daughter to my neighbour, and thanks to you

Have been a pretty fool! And if his son returns,—

For now I am so confused that whether he’s living or dead

I have not a notion,—but if, I say, he should return,

And ask Antiphila’s hand, would then Menedemus believe

That I did not tell him the truth before I knew any cause

To wish for one thing more than another? I say be off!

Ask me what you’ve done? A treasure of innocence

You are! Begone! I’ll never see you again. Begone!

1271Ph.For patience’ sake, one word from me, sir! PamphilusWas not so much in fault; I am the one to blame:He truly intended to introduce Antiphila;And I was sent to fetch her: but when it appeared her friendsWould not consent to allow that you should interfereBetween Menedemus and her, then, on the spur of the moment,The ladies were changed, & that at my suggestion, sir.

Ph.For patience’ sake, one word from me, sir! Pamphilus

Was not so much in fault; I am the one to blame:

He truly intended to introduce Antiphila;

And I was sent to fetch her: but when it appeared her friends

Would not consent to allow that you should interfere

Between Menedemus and her, then, on the spur of the moment,

The ladies were changed, & that at my suggestion, sir.

Chr.I interfere, you say? ’Tis you that interfere,I think. Pray hold your tongue; or if you wish to advise,Advise your friend again: he needs it more than I;1281Maybe he’ll thank you for it. I neither ask nor want it.

Chr.I interfere, you say? ’Tis you that interfere,

I think. Pray hold your tongue; or if you wish to advise,

Advise your friend again: he needs it more than I;

Maybe he’ll thank you for it. I neither ask nor want it.

Re-enter Sostrata.

(To Pam.) To you, sir, I have no more to add. Begone at once!’Twill spare your sister pain, if she shdnever know you;Not that there’s aught to lose. Now, if there is anythingYou want in the house, go in at once and fetch it. Look,I’ll give you half an hour.

(To Pam.) To you, sir, I have no more to add. Begone at once!

’Twill spare your sister pain, if she shdnever know you;

Not that there’s aught to lose. Now, if there is anything

You want in the house, go in at once and fetch it. Look,

I’ll give you half an hour.

Sost.Chremes, what are you saying?

Chr.I have only said, wife, what I told you; and you may nowBid your dear Pamphilus good-bye.

Chr.I have only said, wife, what I told you; and you may now

Bid your dear Pamphilus good-bye.

Sost.How cruel you are!1289Do you wish to kill your son? You’ll certainly be his death,Unless you mind. I wonder how anything so wickedCould have come into your head.

Sost.How cruel you are!

Do you wish to kill your son? You’ll certainly be his death,

Unless you mind. I wonder how anything so wicked

Could have come into your head.

Chr.Oh, will you never learnTo keep your place, woman? Was there ever a thingWhich I ever proposed or did in my whole life, in whichYou did not go against me? But shdI ask you nowWhat wrong I am doing, or why I do the thing I do,You would not know: you could not tell me anythingOf the matter in which so confidently you oppose me. Fool!

Chr.Oh, will you never learn

To keep your place, woman? Was there ever a thing

Which I ever proposed or did in my whole life, in which

You did not go against me? But shdI ask you now

What wrong I am doing, or why I do the thing I do,

You would not know: you could not tell me anything

Of the matter in which so confidently you oppose me. Fool!

Sost.I do not know?

Chr.Well, well, you do know. AnythingRather than have it all over again.

Chr.Well, well, you do know. Anything

Rather than have it all over again.

Sost.How iniquitous of you,To prevent my speaking in such a matter!

Sost.How iniquitous of you,

To prevent my speaking in such a matter!

1300Chr.I don’t prevent you.[Exit.Go on! Talk yourself hoarse.

Chr.I don’t prevent you.

Go on! Talk yourself hoarse.

Pam.Mother, what shall I do?

Sost.What did he say?

Pam.He says he disowns me.

Sost.Don’t give way.He is angry now: I know he’ll soon be kind again.

Sost.Don’t give way.

He is angry now: I know he’ll soon be kind again.

Ph.Quite so, madam; a father’s threats are nothing to fear.

Pam.I am glad you think so.

Ph.Don’t be angry with me, Pam!I’ve got you into a mess, but if you’ll trust to me,I’ll get you out.

Ph.Don’t be angry with me, Pam!

I’ve got you into a mess, but if you’ll trust to me,

I’ll get you out.

Sost.How kind of you, Mr. Philogelos!

Ph. Take my advice and hide. Pretend you have run away.I’ll say you’ve sailed to the Persian wars in Clinia’s ship.And when your father finds that Clinia is safe, and he1311Demands Antiphila’s hand, the rest will be all forgotten.

Ph. Take my advice and hide. Pretend you have run away.

I’ll say you’ve sailed to the Persian wars in Clinia’s ship.

And when your father finds that Clinia is safe, and he

Demands Antiphila’s hand, the rest will be all forgotten.

Sost.Is Antiphila to marry Clinia?

Ph.Yes, ma’am.

Sost.Menedemus’ son,That ran away?

Sost.Menedemus’ son,

That ran away?

Ph.Yes, ma’am.

Sost.Why, Chremes said he was killed.

Ph.It’s all a mistake; you’ve spoken to him to-day yourself:He is Clitipho.

Ph.It’s all a mistake; you’ve spoken to him to-day yourself:

He is Clitipho.

Sost.O dear! I must tell Chremes this.How glad I am!

Sost.O dear! I must tell Chremes this.

How glad I am!

Ph.Stay, madam, stay; I pray you won’t.Your husband will find that out quite soon enough for us.Far better see Menedemus, if he will help us out.

Ph.Stay, madam, stay; I pray you won’t.

Your husband will find that out quite soon enough for us.

Far better see Menedemus, if he will help us out.

Sost.What could he do?

Ph.He’ll stand our friend. How could he wish1320To see Antiphila’s brother driven disgraced from home?

Ph.He’ll stand our friend. How could he wish

To see Antiphila’s brother driven disgraced from home?

Sost.Go, Pamphilus, go at once!

Pam.Clinia is there; I will.

Sost.And can I then tell Chremes?

Ph.Madam, consider this:He won’t believe you, and after will only be angry with youFor knowing it first, and being in the right when he was wrong.

Ph.Madam, consider this:

He won’t believe you, and after will only be angry with you

For knowing it first, and being in the right when he was wrong.

Sost.’Tis all so strange, that really and truly I don’t supposeThat any one would believe it. It may be best to wait.But you should waste no time, Pamphilus; go at once.

Sost.’Tis all so strange, that really and truly I don’t suppose

That any one would believe it. It may be best to wait.

But you should waste no time, Pamphilus; go at once.

Pam.I go, but do not tell him where I am gone.

[Exit Pam.Sost.No, son.I’ll do my best to win him. (To Ph.) I thank you, sir, very kindly.

Sost.No, son.

I’ll do my best to win him. (To Ph.) I thank you, sir, very kindly.

[Exit Sostrata.Ph.I wish you good success.1330A sensible body. I leanOn her and old Menedemus. Not that I doubt myself;I know a stroke to play: is’t not the feast of Bacchus?I will invoke the god; his genius will confoundThis dull, contrary Chremes. What’s his humour worthTo gods or men, that I should bow to it? Nay, & sinceWhate’er the humour be, ’tis the persistencyThat carries it, to hell with dumps! ’Twere póor mérriment1338That Chremes’ frown could dash. Why, if there be a choice’Twixt Chremes pleased and Chremes angry, of the twoThis latter, angry Chremes is the more ridiculous.

Ph.I wish you good success.

A sensible body. I lean

On her and old Menedemus. Not that I doubt myself;

I know a stroke to play: is’t not the feast of Bacchus?

I will invoke the god; his genius will confound

This dull, contrary Chremes. What’s his humour worth

To gods or men, that I should bow to it? Nay, & since

Whate’er the humour be, ’tis the persistency

That carries it, to hell with dumps! ’Twere póor mérriment

That Chremes’ frown could dash. Why, if there be a choice

’Twixt Chremes pleased and Chremes angry, of the two

This latter, angry Chremes is the more ridiculous.

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