Ld. Sparkish.[to Lady Answ.] Pray, Madam, how came your Ladyship lastThursdayto go to that odious Puppet-show?
Col.Why, to be sure, her Ladyship went to see, and to be seen.
Lady Answ.You have made a fine Speech, Colonel: Pray, what will you take for your Mouth-piece?
Ld. Sparkish.Take that, Colonel: But, pray, Madam, was my LadySnuffthere? They say, she is extremely handsome.
Lady Smart.They must not see with my Eyes, that think so.
Neverout.She may pass Muster well enough.
Lady Answ.Pray, how old do you take her to be?
Col.Why, about Five or Six and Twenty.
Miss.I swear, she’s no Chicken; she’s on the wrong Side of Thirty, if she be a Day.
Lady Answ.Depend upon it, she’ll never see Five and Thirty, and a Bit to spare.
Col.Why, they say, she’s one of the chief Toasts in Town.
Lady Smart.Ay, when all the rest are out of it.
Miss.Well; I wou’dn’t be as sick as she’s proud, for all the World.
Lady Answ.She looks, as if Butter wou’dn’t melt in her Mouth; but I warrant, Cheese won’t choak her. I hear, my Lord What-d’ye-call-him is courting her.
Ld. Sparkish.What Lord d’ye mean,Tom?
Miss.Why, my Lord, I suppose, Mr.Neveroutmeans the Lord of the Lord knows what.
Col.They say, she dances very fine.
Lady Answ.She did; but, I doubt, her Dancing Days are over.
Col.I can’t pardon her, for her Rudeness to me.
Lady Smart.Well; but you must forget and forgive.
[——Footmancomes in.——
Lady Smart.Did you callBetty?
Footman.She’s coming, Madam.
Lady Smart.Coming! ay, so isChristmas.
[——Bettycomes in.——
Lady Smart.Come, get ready my Things. Where has the Wench been these Three Hours?
Betty.Madam, I can’t go faster than my Legs will carry me.
Lady Smart.Ay, thou hast a Head, and so has a Pin. But, my Lord, all the Town has it, that MissCaperis to be married to SirPeter Giball; one thing is certain, that she hath promis’d to have him.
Ld. Sparkish.Why, Madam, you know Promises are either broken or kept.
Lady Answ.I beg your Pardon, my Lord; Promises and Pye-crust are made to be broken.
Lady Smart.Nay, I had it from my LadyCarry-lye’s own Mouth. I tell you my Tale, and my Tale’s Author; if it be a Lye, you had it as cheap as I.
Lady Answ.She and I had some Words lastSundayat Church; but, I think, I gave her her own.
Lady Smart.Her Tongue runs like the Clapper of a Mill; she talks enough for herself and all the Company.
Neverout.And yet she simpers like a Firmity-Kettle.
[——Misslooking in a Glass.——
Miss.Lord, how my Head is drest To-day!
Col.Oh, Madam! a good Face needs no Band.
Miss.No; and a bad one deserves none.
Col.Pray, Miss, where is your old Acquaintance, Mrs.Wayward?
Miss.Why, where should she be? You must needs know; she’s in her Skin.
Col.I can answer that: What if you were as far out as she’s in?——
Miss.Well, I promis’d to go this Evening toHyde-Parkon the Water; but, I protest, I’m half afraid.
Neverout.Never fear, Miss; you have the old Proverb on your Side, Naught’s ne’er in Danger.
Col.Why, Miss, letTom Neveroutwait on you; and then, I warrant, you’ll be as safe as a Thief in a Mill; for you know, he that’s born to be hang’d, will never be drowned.
Neverout.Thank you, Colonel, for your good Word; but, faith, if ever I hang, it shall be about a fair Lady’s Neck.
Lady Smart.Who’s there? Bid the Children be quiet, and not laugh so loud.
Lady Answ.Oh, Madam! let’ em laugh; they’ll ne’er laugh younger.
Neverout.Miss, I’ll tell you a Secret, if you’ll promise never to tell it again.
Miss.No, to be sure; I’ll tell it to nobody but Friends and Strangers.
Neverout.Why, then, there’s some Dirt in my Tea-cup.
Miss.Come, come; the more there’s in’t, the more there’s on’t.
Lady Answ.Poh! you must eat a Peck of Dirt before you die.
Col.Ay, ay; it goes all one way.
Neverout.Pray, Miss, What’s a Clock?
Miss.Why, you must know, ’tis a Thing like a Bell; and you are a Fool that can’t tell.
Neverout.[to Lady Answ.] Pray,Madam, do you tell me; for I have let my Watch run down.
Lady Answ.Why, ’tis half an Hour past Hanging-time.
Col.Well; I am like the Butcher, that was looking for his Knife, and had it in his Mouth: I have been searching my Pockets for my Snuff-box, and, egad, here ’tis in my Hand.
Miss.If it had been a Bear, it would have bit you, Colonel: Well, I wish, I had such a Snuff-box.
Neverout.You’ll be long enough before you wish your Skin full of Eyelet-Holes.
Col.Wish in one Hand,——
Miss.Out upon you: Lord, what can the Man mean?
Ld. Sparkish.This Tea’s very hot.
Lady Answ.Why, it came from a hot Place, my Lord.
[——Colonelspills his Tea.——
Lady Smart.That’s as well done as if I had done it myself.
Col.Madam, I find, you live by ill Neighbours; when you are forc’d to praise yourself.
Lady Smart.So they pray’d me to tell you.
Neverout.Well, I won’t drink a Drop more; if I do, ’twill go down like chopt Hay.
Miss.Pray, don’t say No, till you are ask’d.
Neverout.Well, what you please, and the rest again.
[——Missstooping for a Pin.——
Miss.I have heard ’em say, that a Pin a Day is a Groat a Year. Well, as I hope to be married, forgive me for swearing; I vow, ’tis a Needle.
Col.Oh! the wonderful Works of Nature: That a black Hen should have a white Egg!
Neverout.What! you have found a Mare’s Nest; and laugh at the Eggs.
Miss.Pray, keep your Breath to cool your Porridge.
Neverout.Miss, there was a very pleasant Accident last Night in St.James’s Park.
Miss.[to Lady Smart.] What was it your Ladyship was going to say just now?
Neverout.Well, Miss; tell a Mare a Tale——
Miss.I find, you love to hear yourself talk.
Neverout.Why, if you won’t hear my Tale, kiss my,&c.
Miss.Out upon you, for a filthy Creeter!
Neverout.What, Miss! must I tell you a Story, and find you Ears?
Ld. Sparkish.[to Lady Smart.] Pray, Madam, don’t you think Mrs.Spendalvery genteel?
Lady Smart.Why, my Lord, I think she was cut out for a Gentlewoman, but she was spoil’d in the Making: She wears her Cloaths, as if they were thrown on her with a Pitch-Fork; and, for the Fashion, I believe they were made in the Reign of QueenBess.
Neverout.Well, that’s neither here nor there; for you know, the more careless, the more modish.
Col.Well, I’d hold a Wager, there will be a Match between her andDick Dolt; and I believe, I can see as far into a Millstone as another Man.
Miss.Colonel, I must beg your Pardon a Thousand Times; but they say, An old Ape has an old Eye.
Neverout.Miss, what do you mean! you’ll spoil the Colonel’s Marriage, if you call him old.
Col.Not so old, nor yet so cold. You know the rest, Miss.
Miss.Manners is a fine Thing, truly.
Col.Faith, Miss, depend upon it, I’ll give you as good as you bring: What! if you give a Jest, you must take a Jest.
Lady Smart.Well, Mr.Neverout, you’ll ne’er have done till you break that Knife; and then the Man won’t take it again.
Miss.Why, Madam, Fools will be medling; I wish, he may cut his Fingers; I hope, you can see your own Blood without fainting.
Neverout.Why, Miss, you shine this Morning like a —— Barn-door; you’ll never hold out at this Rate; pray, save a little Wit for To-morrow.
Miss.Well, you have said your Say; if People will be rude, I have done; my Comfort is, ’twill be all one a thousand Year hence.
Neverout.Miss, you have shot your Bolt: I find, you must have the last Word.—Well, I’ll go to the Opera To-night.—No, I can’t neither, for I have some Business—and yet I think I must, for I promis’d to squire the Countess to her Box.
Miss.The Countess ofPuddledock, I suppose.
Neverout.Peace, or War, Miss?
Lady Smart.Well, Mr.Neverout, you’ll never be mad, you are of so many Minds.
[——AsMissrises, the Chair falls behind her.——
Miss.Well; I shan’t be Lady-Mayoress this Year.
Neverout.No, Miss; ’tis worse than that; you won’t be marry’d this Year.
Miss.Lord! you make me laugh, tho’ I a’n’t well.
[——Neverout,asMissis standing, pulls her suddenly on his Lap.——
Neverout.Now, Colonel, come, sit down on my Lap; more Sacks upon the Mill.
Miss.Let me go; ar’n’t you sorry for my Heaviness?
Neverout.No, Miss; you are very light; but I don’t say, you are a light Hussy. Pray, take up the Chair for your Pains.
Miss.’Tis but one body’s Labour, you may do it yourself: I wish, you would be quiet, you have more Tricks than a Dancing Bear.
[——Neveroutrises to take up the Chair, andMisssits in his.——
Neverout.You wou’dn’t be so soon in my Grave, Madam.
Miss.Lord! I have torn my Petticoat with your odious Romping; my Rents are coming in; I’m afraid, I shall fall into the Ragman’s Hands.
Neverout.I’ll mend it, Miss.
Miss.You mend it! go, teach your Grannam to suck Eggs.
Neverout.Why, Miss, you are so cross, I could find in my Heart to hate you.
Miss.With all my Heart; there will be no Love lost between us.
Neverout.But, pray, my LadySmart, does not Miss look as if she could eat me without Salt?
Miss.I’ll make you one Day sup Sorrow for this.
Neverout.Well, follow your own Way, you’ll live the longer.
Miss.See, Madam, how well I have mended it.
Lady Smart.’Tis indifferent, asDolldanc’d.
Neverout.’Twill last as many Nights as Days.
Miss.Well, I knew, I should never have your good Word.
Lady Smart.My Lord, my LadyAnsweralland I was walking in the Park last Night till near Eleven; ’twas a very fine Night.
Neverout.Egad so was I; and I’ll tell you a comical Accident; egad, I lost my Under-standing.
Miss.I’m glad you had any to lose.
Lady Smart.Well, but what do you mean?
Neverout.Egad, I kick’d my Foot against a Stone, and tore off the Heel of my Shoe, and was forc’d to limp to a Cobler in thePall Mall, to have it put on. He, he, he.
[All laugh.
Col.Oh! ’twas a delicate Night to run away with another Man’s Wife.
[——Neveroutsneezes.——
Miss.God bless you, if you ha’n’t taken Snuff.
Neverout.Why, what if I have, Miss?
Miss.Why, then, the Duce take you.
Neverout.Miss, I want that Diamond-Ring of yours.
Miss.Why, then, Want’s like to be your Master.
[——Neveroutlooking at the Ring.——
Neverout.Ay, marry, this is not only but also; where did you get it?
Miss.Why, where ’twas to be had; where the Devil got the Friar.
Neverout.Well; if I had such a fine Diamond-Ring, I woudn’t stay a Day inEngland: But you know, far-fetch’d and dear-bought is fit for Ladies. I warrant, this cost your Father Twopence half-penny.
[——Misssitting betweenNeveroutand theColonel.——
Miss.Well; here’s a Rose between Two Nettles.
Neverout.No, Madam; with Submission, here’s a Nettle between Two Roses.
[——Colonelstretching himself.——
Lady Smart.Why, Colonel, you break the King’s Laws; you stretch without a Halter.
Lady Answ.Colonel, some Ladies of your Acquaintance have promis’d to breakfast with you, and I am to wait on them; what will you give us?
Col.Why, faith, Madam, Batchelors Fare; Bread and Cheese, and Kisses.
Lady Answ.Poh! what have you Batchelors to do with your Money, but to treat the Ladies? you have nothing to keep but your own Four Quarters.
Lady Smart.My Lord, has CaptainBragthe Honour to be related to your Lordship?
Ld. Sparkish.Very nearly, Madam; he’s my Cousin-German quite remov’d.
Lady Answ.Pray, is he not rich?
Ld. Sparkish.Ay, a rich Rogue, Two Shirts and a Rag.
Col.Well, however, they say, he has a great Estate, but only the Right Owner keeps him out of it.
Lady Smart.What Religion is he of?
Ld. Sparkish.Why, he is anAnythingarian.
Lady Answ.I believe, he has his Religion to chuse, my Lord.
[——Neveroutscratches his Neck.——
Miss.Fie, Mr.Neverout, ar’n’t you asham’d! I beg Pardon for the Expression, but I’m afraid, your Bosom-friends are become your Back-biters.
Neverout.Well, Miss, I saw a Flea once on your Pinner, and a L—— is a Man’s Companion, but a Flea is a Dog’sCompanion: However, I wish, you would scratch my Neck with your pretty white Hand.
Miss.And who would be Fool then? I wou’dn’t touch a Man’s Flesh for the Universe: You have the wrong Sow by the Ear, I assure you! that’s Meat for your Master.
Neverout.MissNotable, all Quarrels laid aside, pray, step hither for a Moment.
Miss.I’ll wash my Hands, and wait on you, Sir; but, pray, come hither, and try to open this Lock.
Neverout.We’ll try what we can do.
Miss.We:——What, have you Pigs in your Belly?
Neverout.Miss, I assure you, I am very handy at all Things.
Miss.Marry, hang them that can’t give themselves a good Word: I believe, you may have an even Hand to throw a L—— in the Fire.
Col.Well, I must be plain; here’s a very bad Smell.
Miss.Perhaps, Colonel, the Fox is the Finder.
Neverout.No, Colonel; ’tis only your Teeth against Rain: But——
Miss.Colonel, I find, you would make a very bad poor Man’s Sow.
[——Colonelcoughing.——
Col.I have got a sad Cold.
Lady Answ.Ay; ’tis well if one can get any thing these hard Times.
Miss.[to Col.] Choak, Chicken; there’s more a hatching.
Lady Smart.Pray, Colonel, how did you get that Cold?
Ld. Sparkish.Why, Madam, I suppose, the Colonel got it, by lying a Bed barefoot.
Lady Answ.Why, then, Colonel, you must take it for better for worse, as a Man takes his Wife.
Col.Well, Ladies, I apprehend you without a Constable.
Miss.Mr.Neverout! Mr.Neverout! come hither this Moment!
Lady Smart.[imitating her.] Mr.Neverout, Mr.Neverout! I wish, he were tied to your Girdle.
Neverout.What’s the Matter! whose Mare’s dead now?
Miss.Take your Labour for your Pains; you may go back again, like a Fool, as you came.
Neverout.Well, Miss; if you deceive me a second time, ’tis my Fault.
Lady Smart.Colonel, methinks your Coat is too short.
Col.It will be long enough before I get another, Madam.
Miss.Come, come; the Coat’s a good Coat, and come of good Friends.
Neverout.Ladies, you are mistaken in the Stuff; ’tis half Silk.
Col.Tom Neverout, you are a Fool, and that’s your Fault.
[——A great Noise below.——
Lady Smart.Hey! what a Clattering is here; one would think, Hell was broke loose.
Miss.Indeed, Madam, I must take my Leave, for I a’n’t well.
Lady Smart.What! you are sick of the Mulligrubs, with eating chopt Hay.
Miss.No, indeed, Madam; I’m sick and hungry, more need of a Cook than a Doctor.
Lady Answ.Poor Miss, she’s sick as a Cushion, she wants nothing but stuffing.
Col.If you are sick, you shall have a Caudle of Calf’s Eggs.
Neverout.I can’t find my Gloves.
Miss.I saw the Dog running away with some dirty thing awhile ago.
Col.Miss, you have got my Handkerchief; pray, let me have it.
Lady Smart.No, keep it, Miss; for they say, Possession is Eleven Points of the Law.
Miss.Madam, he shall ne’er have it again; ’tis in Hucksters Hands.
Lady Answ.What! I see ’tis Raining again.
Ld. Sparkish.Why, then, Madam, we must do, as they do inSpain.
Miss.Pray, my Lord, how is that?
Ld. Sparkish.Why, Madam, we must let it rain.
[——Misswhispers LadySmart.——
Neverout.There’s no Whispering, but there’s Lying.
Miss.Lord! Mr.Neverout, you are as pert as a Pearmonger this Morning.
Neverout.Indeed, Miss, you are very handsome.
Miss.Poh! I know that already; tell me News.
[——Somebody knocks at the Door.—— Footmancomes in.
Footman.[to Col.] An please yourHonour, there’s a Man below wants to speak to you.
Col.Ladies, your Pardon for a Minute.
[Col.goes out.
Lady Smart.Miss, I sent yesterday to know how you did, but you were gone abroad early.
Miss.Why, indeed, Madam, I was hunch’d up in a Hackney-Coach with Three Country Acquaintance, who call’d upon me to take the Air as far asHighgate.
Lady Smart.And had you a pleasant Airing?
Miss.No, Madam; it rain’d all the Time; I was jolted to Death, and the Road was so bad, that I scream’d every Moment, and call’d to the Coachman, Pray, Friend, don’t spill us.
Neverout.So, Miss, you were afraid, that Pride wou’d have a Fall.
Miss.Mr.Neverout, when I want a Fool, I’ll send for you.
Ld. Sparkish.Miss, didn’t your Left Ear burn last Night?
Miss.Pray, why, my Lord?
Ld. Sparkish.Because I was then in some Company where you were extoll’d to the Skies, I assure you.
Miss.My Lord, that was more their Goodness, than my Desert.
Ld. Sparkish.They said, that you were a complete Beauty.
Miss.My Lord, I am as God made me.
Lady Smart.The Girl’s well enough, if she had but another Nose.
Miss.Oh! Madam, I know I shall always have your good Word; you love to help a lame Dog over the Style.
[——One knocks.——
Lady Smart.Who’s there? you’re on the wrong Side of the Door; come in, if you be fat.
[——Colonelcomes in again.——
Ld. Sparkish.Why, Colonel, you are a Man of great Business.
Col.Ay, ay, my Lord, I’m like my Lord Mayor’s Fool; full of Business, and nothing to do.
Lady Smart.My Lord, don’t you think the Colonel mightily fall’n away of late?
Ld. Sparkish.Ay; fall’n from a Horse-load to a Cart-load.
Col.Why, my Lord, egad I am like aRabbit, fat and lean in Four-and-twenty Hours.
Lady Smart.I assure you, the Colonel walks as strait as a Pin.
Miss.Yes; he’s a handsome-body’d Man in the Face.
Neverout.A handsome Foot and Leg: God-a-mercy Shoe and Stocking!
Col.What! Three upon One! that’s foul Play: This wou’d make a Parson swear.
Neverout.Why, Miss, what’s the Matter? You look as if you had neither won nor lost.
Col.Why, you must know, Miss lives upon Love.
Miss.Yes; upon Love and Lumps of the Cupboard.
Lady Answ.Ay; they say, Love and Peas-porridge are two dangerous Things; one breaks the Heart, and the other the Belly.
Miss.[imitating LadyAnswerall’s Tone.] Very pretty! One breaks the Heart, and the other the Belly.
Lady Answ.Have a Care; they say, mocking is catching.
Miss.I never heard that.
Neverout.Why, then, Miss, you havea Wrinkle——more than ever you had before.
Miss.Well; live and learn.
Neverout.Ay; and be hang’d, and forget all.
Miss.Well, Mr.Neverout, take it as you please; but I swear, you are a saucy Jack, to use such Expressions.
Neverout.Why, then, Miss, if you go to that, I must tell you, there’s ne’er a Jack but there’s a Jill.
Miss.Oh! Mr.Neverout; every body knows that you are the Pink of Courtesy.
Neverout.And, Miss, all the World allows, that you are the Flower of Civility.
Lady Smart.Miss, I hear there was a great deal of Company where you visited last Night: Pray, who were they?
Miss.Why, there was old LadyForward, MissTo-and-again, SirJohn Ogle, my LadyClapper, and I, quoth the Dog.
Col.Was your Visit long, Miss?
Miss.Why, truly, they went all to the Opera; and so poor Pilgarlick came Home alone.
Neverout.Alack a day, poor Miss! methinks it grieves me to pity you.
Miss.What, you think, you said a fine Thing now; well, if I had a Dog with no more Wit, I would hang him.
Ld. Smart.Miss, if it be Manners, may I ask, which is oldest, you or LadyScuttle?
Miss.Why, my Lord, when I die for Age, she may quake for Fear.
Lady Smart.She’s a very great Gadder abroad.
Lady Answ.Lord! she made me follow her last Week through all the Shops like a Tantiny Pig.
Lady Smart.I remember, you told me, you had been with her fromDantoBeersheba.
[——Colonelspits.——
Col.Lord! I shall die; I cannot spit from me.
Miss.Oh! Mr.Neverout, my little Countess has just litter’d; speak me fair, and I’ll set you down for a Puppy.
Neverout.Why, Miss, if I speak you fair, perhaps I mayn’t tell Truth.
Ld. Sparkish.Ay, butTom, smoke that, she calls you Puppy by Craft.
Neverout.Well, Miss, you ride the Fore-horse To-day.
Miss.Ay, many a one says well, that thinks ill.
Neverout.Fie, Miss! you said that once before; and, you know, Too much of one Thing is good for nothing.
Miss.Why, sure, we can’t say a good Thing too often.
Ld. Sparkish.Well, so much for that, and Butter for Fish; let us call another Cause: Pray, Madam, does your Ladyship know Mrs.Nice?
Lady Smart.Perfectly well, my Lord; she’s nice by Name, and nice by Nature.
Ld. Sparkish.Is it possible, she could take that BoobyTom Blunderfor Love?
Miss.She had good Skill in Horse-flesh, that could chuse a Goose to ride on.
Lady Answ.Why, my Lord, ’twas her Fate; they say, Marriage and Hanging go by Destiny.
Col.I believe she’ll never be burnt for a Witch.
Ld. Sparkish.They say, Marriages are made in Heaven; but I doubt, when she was married, she had no Friend there.
Neverout.Well, she’s got out of God’s Blessing into the warm Sun.
Col.The Fellow’s well enough, if he had any Guts in his Brains.
Lady Smart.They say, thereby hangs a Tale.
Ld. Sparkish.Why, he’s a mere Hobbledehoy, neither a Man nor a Boy.
Miss.Well, if I were to chuse a Husband, I would never be married to a little Man.
Neverout.Pray, why so, Miss? for they say, of all Evils we ought to chuse the least.
Miss.Because Folks would say, when they saw us together, There goes the Woman and her Husband.
Col.[to Lady Smart.] Will your Ladyship be on theMallTo-morrow Night?
Lady Smart.No, that won’t be proper; you know, To-morrow’sSunday?
Ld. Sparkish.What then, Madam! they say, the better Day, the better Deed.
Lady Answ.Pray, Mr.Neverout, how do you like LadyFruzz?
Neverout.Pox on her! she’s as old asPoles.
Miss.So will you be, if you ben’t hang’d when you’re young.
Neverout.Come, Miss, let us beFriends: Will you go to the Park this Evening?
Miss.With all my Heart, and a Piece of my Liver; but not with you.
Lady Smart.I’ll tell you one thing, and that’s not two; I’m afraid I shall get a Fit of the Headach To-day.
Col.Oh! Madam, don’t be afraid, it comes with a Fright.
Miss.[to Lady Answ.] Madam; one of your Ladyship’s Lappets is longer than t’other.
Lady Answ.Well, no Matter; they that ride on a trotting Horse will ne’er perceive it.
Neverout.Indeed, Miss, your Lappets hang worse.
Miss.Well, I love a Lyar in my Heart, and you fit me to a Hair.
[——Missrises up.——
Neverout.Duce take you, Miss! you trod on my Foot: I hope you don’t intend to come to my Bedside.
Miss.In Troth, you are afraid of your Friends, and none of them near you.
Ld. Sparkish.Well said, Girl! [giving her a Chuck.] Take that; they say, aChuck under the Chin is worth Two Kisses.
Lady Answ.But, Mr.Neverout, I wonder why such a handsome, strait, young Gentleman as you, do not get some rich Widow.
Ld. Sparkish.Strait! Ay, strait as my Leg, and that’s crooked at Knee.
Neverout.Faith, Madam, if it rain’d rich Widows, none of them would fall upon me. Egad, I was born under a Threepenny Planet, never to be worth a Groat.
Lady Answ.No, Mr.Neverout; I believe you were born with a Cawl on your Head; you are such a Favourite among the Ladies: But what think you of WidowPrim? she’s immensely rich.
Neverout.Hang her! they say, her Father was a Baker.
Lady Smart.Ay; but it is not what is she? but what has she? now-a-days.
Col.Tom, faith, put on a bold Face for once, and have at the Widow. I’ll speak a good Word for you to her.
Lady Answ.Ay; I warrant, you’ll speak one Word for him, and two for yourself.
Miss.Well; I had that at my Tongue’s End.
Lady Answ.Why, Miss, they say, good Wits jump.
Neverout.Faith, Madam, I had rather marry a Woman I lov’d, in her Smock, than WidowPrim, if she had her Weight in Gold.
Lady Smart.Come, come, Mr.Neverout; Marriage is honourable, but Housekeeping is a Shrew.
Lady Answ.Consider, Mr.Neverout, Four bare Legs in a Bed; and you are a younger Brother.
Col.Well, Madam; the younger Brother is the better Gentleman: However,Tom, I would advise you to look before you leap.
Ld. Sparkish.The Colonel says true: Besides, you can’t expect to wive and thrive in the same Year.
Miss.[shuddering.] Lord! there’s somebody walking over my Grave.
Col.Pray, LadyAnswerall, where was you lastWednesday, when I did myself the Honour to wait on you? I think, your Ladyship is one of the Tribe ofGad.
Lady Answ.Why, Colonel, I was at Church.
Col.Nay, then will I be hang’d, and my Horse too.
Neverout.I believe her Ladyship was at a Church with a Chimney in it.
Miss.Lord, my Petticoat! how it hangs by Jommetry.
Neverout.Perhaps the Fault may be in your Shape.
Miss.[looking gravely.] Come, Mr.Neverout, there’s no Jest like the true Jest; but, I suppose, you think my Back’s broad enough to bear every Thing.
Neverout.Madam, I humbly beg your Pardon.
Miss.Well, Sir, your Pardon’s granted.
Neverout.Well, all Things have an End, and a Pudden has two, up-up-on my-my-my Word. [stutters.]
Miss.What! Mr.Neverout, can’t you speak without a Spoon?
Ld. Sparkish.[to Lady Smart.] Has your Ladyship seen the Duchess since your falling out?
Lady Smart.Never, my Lord, but once at a Visit; and she look’d at me, as the Devil look’d overLincoln.
Neverout.Pray, Miss, take a Pinch of my Snuff.
Miss.What! you break my Head, and give me a Plaister; well, with all my Heart; once, and not use it.
Neverout.Well, Miss; if you wanted me and your Victuals, you’d want your Two best Friends.
Col.[to Neverout.]Tom, Miss and you must kiss, and be Friends.
[NeveroutsalutesMiss.
Miss.Any thing for a quiet Life: my Nose itch’d, and I knew I should drink Wine, or kiss a Fool.
Col.Well,Tom, if that ben’t fair, hang fair.
Neverout.I never said a rude Thing to a Lady in my Life.
Miss.Here’s a Pin for that Lye; I’m sure Lyars had need of good Memories. Pray, Colonel, was not he very uncivil to me but just now?
Lady Answ.Mr.Neverout, if Miss will be angry for nothing, take my Council, and bid her turn the Buckle of her Girdle behind her.
Neverout.Come, LadyAnswerall, I know better Things; Miss and I are good Friends; don’t put Tricks upon Travellers.
Col.Tom, not a Word of the Pudden, I beg you.
Lady Smart.Ah, Colonel! you’ll never be good, nor then neither.
Ld. Sparkish.Which of the Goods d’ye mean? good for something, or good for nothing?
Miss.I have a Blister on my Tongue; yet, I don’t remember, I told a Lye.
Lady Answ.I thought you did just now.
Ld. Sparkish.Pray, Madam, what did Thought do?
Lady Answ.Well, for my Life, I cannot conceive what your Lordship means.
Ld. Sparkish.Indeed, Madam, I meant no Harm.
Lady Smart.No, to be sure, my Lord! you are as innocent as a Devil of Two Years old.
Neverout.Madam, they say, ill Doers are ill Deemers: but I don’t apply it to your Ladyship.
[Missmending a Hole in her Lace.
Miss.Well, you see, I’m mending; I hope I shall be good in time; look, LadyAnswerall, is not it well mended?
Lady Answ.Ay, this is something like a Tansy.
Neverout.Faith, Miss, you have mended it, as a Tinker mends a Kettle; stop one Hole, and make two.
Lady Smart.Pray, Colonel, are not you very much tann’d?
Col.Yes, Madam; but a Cup ofChristmasAle will soon wash it off.
Ld. Sparkish.LadySmart, does not your Ladyship think, Mrs.Fadeis mightily alter’d since her Marriage?
Lady Answ.Why, my Lord, she was handsome in her Time; but she cannot eat her Cake, and have her Cake: I hear she’s grown a mere Otomy.
Lady Smart.Poor Creature! the Black has set his Foot upon her already.
Miss.Ay! she has quite lost the Blue on the Plumb.
Lady Smart.And yet, they say, her Husband is very fond of her still.
Lady Answ.Oh! Madam; if she would eat Gold, he would give it her.
Neverout.[to Lady Smart.] Madam, have you heard, that LadyQueasywas lately at the Playhouseincog.?
Lady Smart.What! LadyQueasyof all Women in the World! Do you say it upon Rep?
Neverout.Poz, I saw her with my own Eyes; she sat among the Mob in the Gallery; her own ugly Fiz: And she saw me look at her.
Col.Her Ladyship was plaguily bamb’d; I warrant, it put her into the Hipps.
Neverout.I smoked her huge Nose, and egad she put me in mind of the Woodcock, that strives to hide his long Bill, and then thinks nobody sees him.
Col.Tom, I advise you hold your Tongue; for you’ll never say so good a Thing again.
Lady Smart.Miss, what are you looking for?
Miss.Oh! Madam; I have lost the finest Needle——
Lady Answ.Why, seek till you find it, and then you won’t lose your Labour.
Neverout.The Loop of my Hat is broke; how shall I mend it? [he fastens it with a Pin.] Well, hang them, say I, that has no Shift.
Miss.Ay, and hang him, that has one too many.
Neverout.Oh! Miss; I have heard a sad Story of you.
Miss.I defy you, Mr.Neverout; nobody can say, Black’s my Eye.
Neverout.I believe, you wish they could.
Miss.Well; but who was yourAuthor? Come, tell Truth, and shame the Devil.
Neverout.Come then, Miss; guess who it was that told me; come, put on your Considering-cap.
Miss.Well, who was it?
Neverout.Why, one that lives within a Mile of an Oak.
Miss.Well, go hang yourself in your own Garters; for I’m sure, the Gallows groans for you.
Neverout.Pretty Miss! I was but in Jest.
Miss.Well, but don’t let that stick in your Gizzard.
Col.My Lord, does your Lordship know Mrs.Talkall?
Ld. Smart.Only by Sight; but I hear she has a great deal of Wit; and egad, as the Saying is, Mettle to the Back.
Lady Smart.So I hear.
Col.WhyDick Lubbersaid to her t’other Day, Madam, you can’t cry Bo to a Goose: Yes, but I can, said she; and, egad, cry’d Bo full in his Face: We all thought we should break our Hearts with laughing.
Ld. Sparkish.That was cutting with a Vengeance: and pr’ythee how did the Fool look?
Col.Look? Egad he look’d for all the World like an Owl in an Ivy Bush.
[A Child comes in screaming.
Miss.Well, if that Child was mine, I’d whip it till the Blood came; Peace, you little Vixen! if I were near you, I would not be far from you.
Lady Smart.Ay, ay; Batchelors Wives and Maids Children are finely tutor’d.
Lady Answ.Come to me, Master; and I’ll give you a Sugar-Plumb. Why, Miss, you forgot that ever you was a Child yourself. [She gives the Child a Lump of Sugar.] I have heard ’em say, Boys will long.
Col.My Lord, I suppose you know, that Mr.Buzzardhas married again?
Lady Smart.This is his Fourth Wife; then he has been shod round.
Col.Why, you must know, she had a Month’s Mind toDick Frontless, and thought to run away with him; but her Parents forc’d her to take the old Fellow for a good Settlement.
Ld. Sparkish.So the Man got his Mare again.
Ld. Smart.I’m told he said a verygood thing toDick; said he, You think us old Fellows are Fools; but we old Fellows know young Fellows are Fools.
Col.I know nothing of that; but I know, he’s devilish old, and she’s very young.
Lady Answ.Why, they call that a Match of the World’s making.
Miss.What if he had been young, and she old?
Neverout.Why, Miss, that would have been a Match of the Devil’s making; but when both are young, that’s a Match of God’s making.
[Misssearching her Pockets for her Thimble, brings out a Nutmeg.
Neverout.Oh! Miss, have a Care; for if you carry a Nutmeg in your Pocket, you’ll certainly be marry’d to an old Man.
Miss.Well, and if ever I be marry’d, it shall be to an old Man; they always make the best Husbands; and it is better to be an old Man’s Darling than a young Man’s Warling.
Neverout.Faith, Miss, if you speak as you think, I’ll give you my Mother for a Maid.
[LadySmartrings the Bell. Footmancomes in.
Lady Smart.Harkee, you Fellow; run to my LadyMatch, and desire she will remember to be here at Six, to play at Quadrille: D’ye hear, if you fall by the Way, don’t stay to get up again.
Footman.Madam, I don’t know the House.
Lady Smart.Well, that’s not for Want of Ignorance; follow your Nose; go, enquire among the Servants.
[Footmangoes out, and leaves the Door open.
Lady Smart.Here, come back, you Fellow; why did you leave the Door open? Remember, that a good Servant must always come when he’s call’d, do what he’s bid, and shut the Door after him.
[TheFootmangoes out again, and falls down Stairs.
Lady Answ.Neck or nothing; come down, or I’ll fetch you down: Well, but I hope, the poor Fellow has not sav’d the Hangman a Labour.
Neverout.Pray, Madam, smoke Missyonder biting her Lips, and playing with her Fan.
Miss.Who’s that takes my Name in vain?
[She runs up to them, and falls down.
Lady Smart.What, more falling! do you intend the Frolick should go round?
Lady Answ.Why, Miss, I wish you may not have broke her Ladyship’s Floor.
Neverout.Miss, come to me, and I’ll take you up.
Lady Sparkish.Well, but without a Jest, I hope, Miss, you are not hurt.
Col.Nay, she must be hurt for certain; for you see, her Head is all of a Lump.
Miss.Well, remember this, Colonel, when I have Money, and you have none.
Lady Smart.But, Colonel, when do you design to get a House, and a Wife, and a Fire to put her in?
Miss.Lord! who would be marry’d to a Soldier, and carry his Knapsack?
Neverout.Oh! Madam:MarsandVenus, you know.
Col.Egad, Madam, I’d marry To-morrow,if I thought I could bury my Wife just when the Honey-Moon is over; but they say, A Woman has as many Lives as a Cat.
Lady Answ.I find, the Colonel thinks, a dead Wife under the Table is the best Goods in a Man’s House.
Lady Smart.O but, Colonel, if you had a good Wife, it would break your Heart to part with her.
Col.Yes, Madam; for they say, he that has lost his Wife and Sixpence, has lost a Tester.
Lady Smart.But, Colonel, they say, that every marry’d Man should believe there’s but one good Wife in the World, and that’s his own.
Col.For all that, I doubt, a good Wife must be bespoke, for there is none ready made.
Miss.I suppose, the Gentleman’s a Woman-Hater; but, Sir, I think, you ought to remember, that you had a Mother: And pray, if it had not been for a Woman, where would you have been, Colonel?
Col.Nay, Miss, you cry’d W——e first, when you talk’d of the Knapsack.
Lady Answ.But I hope you won’tblame the whole Sex, because some are bad.
Neverout.And they say, he that hates Woman, suck’d a Sow.
Col.Oh! Madam; there’s no general Rule without an Exception.
Lady Smart.Then, why don’t you marry, and settle?
Col.Egad, Madam, there’s nothing will settle me but a Bullet.
Ld. Sparkish.Well, Colonel, there’s one Comfort, that you need not fear a Cannon-Bullet.
Col.Why so, my Lord?
Ld. Sparkish.Because they say, he was curs’d in his Mother’s Belly, that was kill’d by a Cannon-Bullet.
Miss.I suppose, the Colonel was cross’d in his first Love, which makes him so severe on all the Sex.
Lady Answ.Yes; and I’ll hold a hundred to one, that the Colonel has been over Head and Ears in Love with some Lady, that has made his Heart ake.
Col.Oh! Madam, We Soldiers are Admirers of all the fair Sex.
Miss.I wish, I could see the Colonel in Love, till he was ready to die.
Lady Smart.Ay; but I doubt, few People die for Love in these days.
Neverout.Well, I confess, I differ from the Colonel; for I hope to have a rich and a handsome Wife yet before I die.
Col.Ay,Tom; live Horse, and thou shalt have Grass.
Miss.Well, Colonel; but whatever you say against Women, they are better Creatures than Men; for Men were made of Clay, but Woman was made of Man.
Col.Miss, you may say what you please; but, faith, you’ll never lead Apes in Hell.
Neverout.No, no; I’ll be sworn Miss has not an Inch of Nun’s Flesh about her.
Miss.I understumble you, Gentlemen.
Neverout.Madam, your humble-cum-dumble.
Ld. Sparkish.Pray, Miss, when did you see your old Acquaintance Mrs.Cloudy? You and She are Two, I hear.
Miss.See her! marry, I don’t care whether I ever see her again, God bless my Eye-sight.
Lady Answ.Lord! why she and you were as great as two Inkle-weavers. I’veseen her hug you, as the Devil hug’d the Witch.
Miss.That’s true; but I’m told for certain, she’s no better than she should be.
Lady Smart.Well, God mend us all; but you must allow, the World is very censorious: I never heard that she was a naughty Pack.
Col.[to Neverout.] Come, SirThomas, when the King pleases; when do you intend to march?
Ld. Sparkish.Have Patience.Tom, is your FriendNed Rattlemarry’d?
Neverout.Yes, faith, my Lord; he has tied a Knot with his Tongue, that he can never untie with his Teeth.
Lady Smart.Ay; marry in Haste, and repent at Leisure.
Lady Answ.Has he got a good Fortune with his Lady? for they say, Something has some Savour, but Nothing has no Flavour.
Neverout.Faith, Madam, all he gets by her, he may put into his Eye, and see never the worse.
Miss.Then, I believe, he heartily wishes her inAbraham’s Bosom.
Col.Pray, my Lord, how doesCharles Limberand his fine Wife agree?
Ld. Sparkish.Why, they say, he’s the greatest Cuckold in Town.
Neverout.Oh! but my Lord, you should always except my Lord-Mayor.
Miss.Mr.Neverout!
Neverout.Hay, Madam, did you call me?
Miss.Hay; why, Hay is for Horses.
Neverout.Why, Miss, then you may kiss——
Col.Pray, my Lord, what’s a Clock by your Oracle?
Ld. Sparkish.Faith, I can’t tell, I think my Watch runs upon Wheels.
Neverout.Miss, pray be so kind to call a Servant to bring me a Glass of Small Beer: I know you are at Home here.
Miss.Every Fool can do as they’re bid: Make a Page of your own Age, and do it yourself.
Neverout.Chuse, proud Fool; I did but ask you.
[Missputs her Hand to her Knee.
Neverout.What! Miss, are you thinking of your Sweet-Heart? is your Garter slipping down?
Miss.Pray, Mr.Neverout, keep yourBreath to cool your Porridge; you measure my Corn by your Bushel.
Neverout.Indeed, Miss, you lye.——
Miss.Did you ever hear any thing so rude?
Neverout.I mean, you lye——under a Mistake.
Miss.If a thousand Lyes could choak you, you would have been choaked many a Day ago.
[Misstries to snatchNeverout’s Snuff-box.
Neverout.Madam, you miss’d that, as you miss’d your Mother’s Blessing.
[She tries again, and misses.
Neverout.Snap short makes you look so lean, Miss.
Miss.Poh! you are so robustious, you had like to put out my Eye: I assure you, if you blind me, you must lead me.
Lady Smart.Dear Miss, be quiet; and bring me a Pin-cushion out of that Closet.
[Missopens the Closet Door, and squalls.
Lady Smart.Lord bless the Girl! what’s the Matter now?
Miss.I vow, Madam, I saw something in black, I thought it was a Spirit.
Col.Why, Miss, did you ever see a Spirit?
Miss.No, Sir; I thank God, I never saw any thing worse than myself.
Neverout.Well, I did a very foolish thing yesterday, and was a great Puppy for my Pains.
Miss.Very likely; for, they say, many a true Word’s spoke in Jest.
[Footmanreturns.
Lady Smart.Well, did you deliver your Message? You are fit to be sent for Sorrow, you stay so long by the Way.
Footman.Madam, my Lady was not at Home, so I did not leave the Message.
Lady Smart.This is it to send a Fool of an Errand.
Ld. Sparkish.[looking at his Watch.] ’Tis past Twelve a Clock.
Lady Smart.Well, what is that among all us?
Ld. Sparkish.Madam, I must take my Leave: Come, Gentlemen, are you for a March?
Lady Smart.Well, but your Lordshipand the Colonel will dine with us To-day; and, Mr.Neverout, I hope, we shall have your good Company: There will be no Soul else, besides my own Lord and these Ladies; for every body knows, I hate a Croud; I would rather want Vittles than Elbow-Room: We dine punctually at Three.
Ld. Sparkish.Madam, we’ll be sure to attend your Ladyship.
Col.Madam, my Stomach serves me instead of a Clock.
[AnotherFootmancomes back.
Lady Smart.Oh! you are the t’other Fellow I sent: Well, have you been with my LadyClub? You are good to send of a dead Man’s Errand.
Footman.Madam, my LadyClubbegs your Ladyship’s Pardon; but she is engaged To-night.
Miss.Well, Mr.Neverout, here’s the Back of my Hand to you.
Neverout.Miss, I find, you will have the last Word. Ladies, I am more yours than my own.