POLITE CONVERSATION, ETC.DIALOGUE III.

The Ladies at their Tea.

Lady Smart.Well, Ladies; now let us have a Cup of Discourse to ourselves.

Lady Answ.What do you think of your Friend, SirJohn Spendall?

Lady Smart.Why, Madam,’tis happy for him, that his Father was born before him.

Miss.They say, he makes a very ill Husband to my Lady.

Lady Answ.But he must be allow’d to be the fondest Father in the World.

Lady Smart.Ay, Madam, that’s true; for they say, the Devil is kind to his own.

Miss.I am told, my Lady manages him to Admiration.

Lady Smart.That I believe; for she’s as cunning as a dead Pig; but not half so honest.

Lady Answ.They say, she’s quite a Stranger to all his Gallantries.

Lady Smart.Not at all; but, you know, there’s none so blind as they that won’t see.

Miss.O Madam, I am told, she watches him, as a Cat would watch a Mouse.

Lady Answ.Well, if she ben’t foully belied, she pays him in his own Coin.

Lady Smart.Madam, I fancy I know your Thoughts, as well as if I were within you.

Lady Answ.Madam, I was t’other Day in Company with Mrs.Clatter; I find she gives herself Airs of being acquainted with your Ladyship.

Miss.Oh, the hideous Creature! did you observe her Nails? they were long enough to scratch her Granum out of her Grave.

Lady Smart.Well, She andTom Goslingwere banging Compliments backwards and forwards; it look’d like Two Asses scrubbing one another.

Miss.Ay, claw me, and I’ll claw thou:But, pray, Madam; who were the Company?

Lady Smart.Why, there was all the World, and his Wife; there was Mrs.Clatter, LadySingular, the Countess ofTalkham, (I should have named her first;)Tom Goslin, and some others, whom I have forgot.

Lady Answ.I think the Countess is very sickly.

Lady Smart.Yes, Madam; she’ll never scratch a grey Head, I promise her.

Miss.And, pray, what was your Conversation?

Lady Smart.Why, Mrs.Clatterhad all the Talk to herself, and was perpetually complaining of her Misfortunes.

Lady Answ.She brought her Husband Ten Thousand Pounds; she has a Town-House and Country-house: Would the Woman have her —— hung with Points?

Lady Smart.She would fain be at the Top of the House before the Stairs are built.

Miss.Well, Comparisons are odious; but she’s as like her Husband, as if she were spit out of his Mouth; as like asone Egg is to another: Pray, how was she drest?

Lady Smart.Why, she was as fine as Fi’pence; but, truly, I thought, there was more Cost than Worship.

Lady Answ.I don’t know her Husband: Pray, what is he?

Lady Smart.Why, he’s a Concealer of the Law; you must know, he came to us as drunk asDavid’s Sow.

Miss.What kind of Creature is he?

Lady Smart.You must know, the Man and his Wife are coupled like Rabbets, a fat and a lean; he’s as fat as a Porpus, and she’s one ofPharaoh’s lean Kine: The Ladies andTom Goslingwere proposing a Party at Quadrille, but he refus’d to make one: Damn your Cards, said he, they are the Devil’s Books.

Lady Answ.A dull unmannerly Brute! Well, God send him more Wit, and me more Money.

Miss.Lord! Madam, I would not keep such Company for the World.

Lady Smart.O Miss, ’tis nothing when you are used to it: Besides, you know, for Want of Company, welcome Trumpery.

Miss.Did your Ladyship play?

Lady Smart.Yes, and won; so I came off with Fidlers Fare, Meat, Drink, and Money.

Lady Answ.Ay; what saysPluck?

Miss.Well, my Elbow itches; I shall change Bed-fellows.

Lady Smart.And my Right Hand itches; I shall receive Money.

Lady Answ.And my Right Eye itches; I shall cry.

Lady Smart.Miss, I hear your Friend MistressGiddyhas discardedDick Shuttle: Pray, has she got another Lover?

Miss.I hear of none.

Lady Smart.Why, the Fellow’s rich; and I think she was a Fool to throw out her dirty Water before she got clean.

Lady Answ.Miss, that’s a very handsome Gown of yours, and finely made; very genteel.

Miss.I’m glad your Ladyship likes it.

Lady Answ.Your Lover will be in Raptures; it becomes you admirably.

Miss.Ay; I assure you I won’t take it as I have done; if this won’t fetch him, the Devil fetch him, say I.

Lady Smart[to Lady Answ.] Pray,Madam, when did you see SirPeter Muckworm?

Lady Answ.Not this Fortnight; I hear, he’s laid up with the Gout.

Lady Smart.What does he do for it?

Lady Answ.Why I hear he’s weary of doctoring it, and now makes Use of nothing but Patience and Flannel.

Miss.Pray, how does He and my Lady agree?

Lady Answ.You know, he loves her as the Devil loves Holy Water.

Miss.They say, she plays deep with Sharpers, that cheat her of her Money.

Lady Answ.Upon my Word, they must rise early that would cheat her of her Money; Sharp’s the Word with her; Diamonds cut Diamonds.

Miss.Well, but I was assur’d from a good Hand that she lost at one Sitting to the Tune of a hundred Guineas; make Money of that.

Lady Smart.Well, but do you hear, that Mrs.Plumpis brought to Bed at last?

Miss.And, pray, what has God sent her?

Lady Smart.Why, guess, if you can.

Miss.A Boy, I suppose.

Lady Smart.No, you are out; guess again.

Miss.A Girl then.

Lady Smart.You have hit it; I believe you are a Witch.

Miss.O Madam; the Gentlemen say, all fine Ladies are Witches; but I pretend to no such thing.

Lady Answ.Well, she had good Luck to drawTom Plumpinto Wedlock; she ris’ with her —— upwards.

Miss.Fie, Madam! what do you mean?

Lady Smart.O Miss; ’tis nothing what we say among ourselves.

Miss.Ay, Madam; but they say, Hedges have Eyes, and Walls have Ears.

Lady Answ.Well, Miss, I can’t help it; you know, I am old Tell-Truth; I love to call a Spade a Spade.

Lady Smart[mistakes the Tea-tongs for the Spoon.] What! I think my Wits are a Wool-gathering To-day.

Miss.Why, Madam, there was but a Right and a Wrong.

Lady Smart.Miss, I hear, that You and LadyCouplerare as great as Cup and Can.

Lady Answ.Ay, Miss; as great as the Devil and the Earl ofKent.

Lady Smart.Nay, I am told, you meet together with as much Love, as there is between the old Cow and the Hay-stack.

Miss.I own, I love her very well; but there’s Difference betwixt staring and stark mad.

Lady Smart.They say, she begins to grow fat.

Miss.Fat! ay, fat as a Hen in the Forehead.

Lady Smart.Indeed, LadyAnswerall, (pray, forgive me) I think, your Ladyship looks thinner than when I saw you last.

Miss.Indeed, Madam, I think not; but your Ladyship is one ofJob’s Comforters.

Lady Answ.Well, no matter how I look; I am bought and sold: but really, Miss, you are so very obliging, that I wish I were a handsome young Lord for your Sake.

Miss.O Madam, your Love’s a Million.

Lady Smart[to Lady Answ.] Madam, will your Ladyship let me wait on you to the Play To-morrow?

Lady Answ.Madam, it becomes me to wait on your Ladyship.

Miss.What, then, I’m turn’d out for a Wrangler.

[The Gentlemen come in to the Ladies to drink Tea.

Miss.Mr.Neverout, we wanted you sadly; you are always out of the Way when you should be hang’d.

Neverout.You wanted me! Pray, Miss, how do you look when you lye?

Miss.Better than you when you cry. Manners indeed! I find, you mend like sour Ale in Summer.

Neverout.I beg your Pardon, Miss; I only meant, when you lie alone.

Miss.That’s well turn’d; one Turn more would have turn’d you down Stairs.

Neverout.Come, Miss; be kind for once, and order me a Dish of Coffee.

Miss.Pray, go yourself; let us wear out the oldest first: Besides, I can’t go, for I have a Bone in my Leg.

Col.They say, a Woman need but look on her Apron-string to find an Excuse.

Neverout.Why, Miss, you are grownso peevish, a Dog would not live with you.

Miss.Mr.Neverout, I beg your Diversion; no Offence, I hope: but truly in a little time you intend to make the Colonel as bad as yourself; and that’s as bad as bad can.

Neverout.My Lord, don’t you think Miss improves wonderfully of late? Why, Miss, if I spoil the Colonel, I hope you will use him as you do me; for, you know, love me, love my Dog.

Col.How’s that,Tom? Say that again: Why, if I am a Dog, shake Hands, Brother.

[Here a great, loud, long Laugh.

Ld. Smart.But, pray, Gentlemen, why always so severe upon poor Miss? On my Conscience, Colonel andTom Neverout, one of you two are both Knaves.

Col.My LadyAnswerall, I intend to do myself the Honour of dining with your Ladyship To-morrow.

Lady Answ.Ay, Colonel; do if you can.

Miss.I’m sure you’ll be glad to be welcome.

Col.Miss, I thank you; and, to rewardYou, I’ll come and drink Tea with you in the Morning.

Miss.Colonel, there’s Two Words to that Bargain.

Col.[to Lady Smart.] Your Ladyship has a very fine Watch; well may you wear it.

Lady Smart.It is none of mine, Colonel.

Col.Pray, whose is it then?

Lady Smart.Why, ’tis my Lord’s; for they say, a marry’d Woman has nothing of her own, but her Wedding-Ring and her Hair-Lace: But if Women had been the Law-Makers, it would have been better.

Col.This Watch seems to be quite new.

Lady Smart.No, Sir; it has been Twenty Years in my Lord’s Family; butQuareput a new Case and Dial-Plate to it.

Neverout.Why, that’s for all the World like the Man who swore he kept the same Knife forty Years, only he sometimes changed the Haft, and sometimes the Blade.

Ld. Smart.Well,Tom, to give the Devil his Due, thou art a right Woman’s Man.

Col.Odd-so! I have broke the Hinge of my Snuff-box; I’m undone beside the Loss.

Miss.Alack-a-day, Colonel! I vow I had rather have found Forty Shillings.

Neverout.Why, Colonel; all that I can say to comfort you, is, that you must mend it with a new one.

[Misslaughs.

Col.What, Miss! you can’t laugh, but you must shew your Teeth.

Miss.I’m sure you shew your Teeth when you can’t bite: Well, thus it must be, if we sell Ale.

Neverout.Miss, you smell very sweet; I hope you don’t carry Perfumes.

Miss.Perfumes! No, Sir; I’d have you to know, it is nothing but the Grain of my Skin.

Col.Tom, you have a good Nose to make a poor Man’s Sow.

Ld. Sparkish.So, Ladies and Gentlemen, methinks you are very witty upon one another: Come, box it about; ’twill come to my Father at last.

Col.Why, my Lord, you see Miss has no Mercy; I wish she were marry’d;but I doubt, the grey Mare would prove the better Horse.

Miss.Well, God forgive you for that Wish.

Ld. Sparkish.Never fear him, Miss.

Miss.What, my Lord, do you think I was born in a Wood, to be afraid of an Owl?

Ld. Smart.What have you to say to that, Colonel?

Neverout.O my Lord, my Friend the Colonel scorns to set his Wit against a Child.

Miss.Scornful Dogs will eat dirty Puddens.

Col.Well, Miss; they say, a Woman’s Tongue is the last thing about her that dies; therefore let’s kiss and Friends.

Miss.Hands off! that’s Meat for your Master.

Ld. Sparkish.Faith, Colonel, you are for Ale and Cakes: But after all, Miss, you are too severe; you would not meddle with your Match.

Miss.All they can say goes in at one Ear, and out at t’other for me, I can assure you: Only I wish they would be quiet, and let me drink my Tea.

Neverout.What! I warrant you thinkall is lost, that goes beside your own Mouth.

Miss.Pray, Mr.Neverout, hold your Tongue for once, if it be possible; one would think, you were a Woman in Man’s Cloaths, by your prating.

Neverout.No, Miss; it is not handsome to see one hold one’s Tongue: Besides, I should slobber my Fingers.

Col.Miss, did you never hear, that Three Women and a Goose are enough to make a Market?

Miss.I’m sure, if Mr.Neveroutor You were among them, it would make a Fair.

[Footmancomes in.

Lady Smart.Here, take away the Tea-table, and bring up Candles.

Lady Answ.O Madam, no Candles yet, I beseech you; don’t let us burn Day-Light.

Neverout.I dare swear, Miss, for her Part, will never burn Day-Light, if she can help it.

Miss.Lord, Mr.Neverout, one can’t hear one’s own Ears for you.

Lady Smart.Indeed, Madam, it is Blind-Man’s Holiday; we shall soon be all of a Colour.

Neverout.Why, then, Miss, we may kiss where we like best.

Miss.Fogh! these Men talk of nothing but kissing.

[She spits.

Neverout.What, Miss, does it make your Mouth water?

Lady Smart.It is as good be in the Dark as without Light; therefore pray bring in Candles: They say, Women and Linen shew best by Candle-Light: Come, Gentlemen, are you for a Party at Quadrille?

Col.I’ll make one with you three Ladies.

Lady Answ.I’ll sit down, and be a Stander-by.

Lady Smart.[to Lady Answ.] Madam, does your Ladyship never play?

Col.Yes; I suppose her Ladyship plays sometimes for an Egg atEaster.

Neverout.Ay; and a Kiss atChristmas.

Lady Answ.Come, Mr.Neverout; hold your Tongue, and mind your Knitting.

Neverout.With all my Heart; kiss my Wife, and welcome.

[TheColonel,Mr.Neverout,LadySmartandMissgo to Quadrille, and sit till Three in the Morning.

[They rise from Cards.]

Lady Smart.Well, Miss, you’ll have a sad Husband, you have such good Luck at Cards.

Neverout.Indeed, Miss, you dealt me sad Cards; if you deal so ill by your Friends, what will you do with your Enemies?

Lady Answ.I’m sure ’tis time for honest Folks to be a-bed.

Miss.Indeed my Eyes draws Straw.

[She’s almost asleep.

Neverout.Why, Miss, if you fall asleep, somebody may get a Pair of Gloves.

Col.I’m going to the Land ofNod.

Neverout.Faith, I’m forBedfordshire.

Lady Smart.I’m sure I shall sleep without rocking.

Neverout.Miss, I hope you’ll dream of your Sweetheart.

Miss.Oh, no doubt of it: I believe I shan’t be able to sleep for dreaming of him.

Col.[to Miss.] Madam, shall I have the Honour to escort you?

Miss.No, Colonel, I thank you; my Mamma has sent her Chair and Footmen. Well, my LadySmart, I’ll give you Revenge whenever you please.

[Footmancomes in.

Footman.Madam, the Chairs are waiting.

[They all take their Chairs, and go off.

FINIS.

Page 5, l. 1. 1695.—This date, and the previous “more than forty years past,” are of course adjusted to the date of the book’s appearance. See Introduction for its probable chronology.

Page 5, l. 18. For “because” I am half inclined to read “became”—a very likely misprint.

Page 6, ll. 4-10. “Twelve ... Sixteen.”—This would bring us to 1723, which may or may not mark the date of a version of the “Conversation.” The first “Twelve” would almost exactly coincide with the “Essay on Conversation” referred to above.

Page 12, l. 18. “Isaac the Dancing-Master.”—Called by Steele in “Tatler,” No. 34, “my namesake Isaac.” He is best known by Soame Jenyns’ couplet:—

“And Isaac’s rigadoon shall live as longAs Raphael’s painting or as Virgil’s song.”

“And Isaac’s rigadoon shall live as longAs Raphael’s painting or as Virgil’s song.”

“And Isaac’s rigadoon shall live as long

As Raphael’s painting or as Virgil’s song.”

He was, as became his profession, a Frenchman. Southey refers to him in “The Doctor.”

Page 16, l. 6. “Comedies and other fantastick Writings.”—Where they will be found, as the ingenious Mr. Wagstaff says, “strewed here and there.”

Pages 16, 17.—“Graham. D. of R. E. ofE. Lord and Lady H.”—I do not know that attempts at identifying these shadowy personages would be very wise. But the date assigned to the Colonel is one of the marks of long incubation. “Towards the end” of Charles II.’s reign would be about 1684. A fine gentleman of that day might very well have been Mr. Wagstaff’s “companion” had the latter written in 1710—less well had he written a quarter of a century later.

Page 18, l. 24.—Swift, like a good Tory and Churchman, never forgave Burnet.

Page 21, l. 2. “Selling of Bargains” is the returning of a coarse answer to a question or other remark. So in Dorset’s charming poem about “This Bess of my heart, this Bess of my soul.”

Page 24, l. 26. “Great Ornaments of Style,” or, as it hath been put otherwise, “a grand set-off to conversation.”—Observe that in these passages as to Free-Thinking and Oaths, Swift maintains his invariable attitude as to profanity.

Page 25, last line. “Poet.”—I know him not, if he ever existed save as a maggot of Swift’s brain.

Page 26, l. 13. “Sir John Perrot.”—Deputy of Ireland and a stout soldier, but an unlucky politician. He died in the Tower, where he is not unlikely to have had leisure and reason to perfect himself in commination.

Page 31, l. 16. “Lilly.”—The Latin grammarian, of course, not the astrologer.

Page 32, l. 12. “e’n’t” I presume to be identical withain’t.

Page 36, l. 21. It may seem strange thatMr. Wagstaff, who loves not books and scholars, should refer to a grave philosopher. But fine gentlemen in his youth had to know or seem to know their Hobbes.

Page 38, l. 26. “Please.”—sicin orig.

Page 41.—In this page Swift strikes in with his friends against the “dunces.” One may suspect that Tom Brown was in the first draught, and perhaps Dennis, Ward and Gildon being added later.

Page 42, l. 6.—Ozell, the translator of Rabelais. Stevens I do not know or have forgotten, and the “Dunciad” knows him not.

Page 44, l. 26. “The Craftsman.”—This must be one of the latest additions, the “Craftsman” being the organ of Pulteney and the Opposition in the great Walpolian battle.

Page 46, ll. 11, 17. “Another for Alexander!”

Page 50, l. 21. “Those of Sir Isaac.”—Mr. Craik and others have noticed that Swift’s grammar, especially in unrevised pieces, is not always impeccable. But this, like other things in this Introduction, is clearly writ in character, the character of the more polite than pedantic Wagstaff.

Page 56, l. 26. “Wit at Will.”—Readers of the minor and even of the greater writers of the late sixteenth and early seventeenth centuries will remember the interminable jingles and plays on these two words wherever they could be introduced. The phrase “Wit at will” survived most of its companions as a catchword.

Page 58, l. 3. “Queen Elizabeth’s dead.”—Aminute philosopher might be pleased with the inquiry when Queen Anne superseded her gracious predecessor in this phrase. Naturally that time had not come when the “Conversation” was first planned.

Page 59, l. 2. “Push-pin.”—Allusions to this old children’s game are very common in the seventeenth century; rare, I think, in the eighteenth.

Page 64, l. 20. “Vardi.”—See Introduction, p. 32, where the form is “Verdi.”

Page 65, l. 28. “Lob’s pound” means an inextricable difficulty. In Dekker’s paraphrase of the “Quinze Joyes du Mariage,” it is used to render the Frenchdans la nasse.

Page 72, l. 1. I do not understand “Map-sticks.”

Page 76, ll. 3, 4. “Cooking.”—I.e.(as I suppose), putting the bread-and-butter in the tea. I believe this atrocious practice is not absolutely obsolete yet.

Page 76, last line but one. “Head for the washing.”—I think this is quite dead in English;laver la têteis of course still excellent French for to scold or rate.

Page 79, l. 3. “A Lord.”—Lord Grimstone, whose production made the wits merry for a long time. He is Pope’s “booby Lord,” and this absurd play (which, however, he is said to have written at the age of 13), was reprinted in his despite by the Duchess of Marlborough, with whom he had an election quarrel.Lady Sparkishis in orig., but is probably a slip for Lady Answerall.

Page 82, l. 23. “The Lord of the Lord knows what.”—A peerage revived with slightly altered title by Peter Simple’s shipmates in favour of “the Lord Nozoo.”

Page 103, l. 4. “Ld. Smart.”—Erratum for “Ld. Sparkish.”

Page 103, l. 13. “Tantiny Pig.”—The pig usually assigned as companion to St. Anthony.

Page 105, l. 26. “Poles.”—St. Paul’s.

Page 109, l. 4. “Jommetry.”—See Introduction.

Page 110, l. 7.—I do not know the origin of Miss’s catchword. Julia, the heroine of Dryden’s “Amboyna,” had used it beforehand.

Page 111, l. 25. “Tansy” has two senses, a plant and a sort of custard. The reader may choose which suits the circumstances best for metaphorical explanation.

Page 112, l. 11. “Otomy,” for “anatomy,” “skeleton.”

Page 114, l. 17. “Ld. Smart” again for “Ld. Sparkish;” at the foot of the next page for “LadySmart.”

Page 117, last line. “Smoke,” “look at;” later, “twig.”

Page 118, l. 13. “Lady Sparkish,” probably for “Lady Smart,” as being hostess.

Page 121, last line. “Inkle.”—Ribbon or tape.

Page 129, l. 8. Scott has borrowed this vigorous protest of Miss in one of his private letters.

Page 131, l. 7. “Ld. Sparkish” should evidently be “Ld. Smart.”

Page 135, l. 14. “Kept a Corner for a VenisonPasty.”—Which Dr. Goldsmith remembered in immortal verse.

Page 140, l. 12. I do not know whether this speech was meant for Lord Sparkish or Lady Answerall.

Page 143, ll. 1, 3. An unnecessary double entry, but right in the attribution.

Page 145, l. 9. “In my Tip,” “as I am drinking.”

Page 161, l. 4. “Weily rosten,” should probably be “brosten,”i.e., “well-nigh burst.”

Page 162, l. 9. Lord Smart might make this speech; but from the answer it would seem to be his Lady’s.

Page 165, l. 13.—I don’t know whether Swift, who never forgot his feud with “Cousin Dryden,” was indulging in a half-gird at “The corruption of a poet is the generation of a critic.”

Page 176, l. 8. “Concealer.”—A brilliant pun on “Counsellor.”

Page 181, l. 24. “A Bone in my Leg.”—This odd phrase for a peculiar cramp in the leg is not dead yet.

Page 183, l. 21. “Quare.”—David Q., died in 1724. He had invented repeaters, and throughout the eighteenth century was what Tompion was later among watchmakers, what Joe Manton was long among gunmakers, a name to conjure with and to quote.

Page 184, l. 24. “Box it about; ’twill come to my Father.”—The famous Jacobite cant-phrase for breeding disturbance in hopes of a fresh Revolution.

CHISWICK PRESS:—CHARLES WHITTINGHAM AND CO.,TOOKS COURT, CHANCERY LANE.

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