'ARRY ON HORSEBACK.

'ARRY ON HORSEBACK.'ARRY ON HORSEBACK.

Don't fancy he twigged, not percisely. But, lor', them French waitersissnide,With their black Heton jackets, white aprons, and trim "mutton chopper" each side,At the Caffys, dear boy, 'arter twelve, it's a wonder to see 'em waltz roundWith a tray-full of syrups and strors, with no spillings, and 'ardly a sound.Bit confusing at fust, the French lingo; their posters an' cetrer looks rum,And you've got to be fly to their meaning afore you can make the thing hum.I kep' on button-holing old buffers to find out my way about town,And sailed briskly along fur as "Esker—?" when, 'ang it!—I mostly broke down.Esker voo, with a gurgle to follow, don't fetch 'em, these Frenchies, not much;"Conny par" comes a great deal too often, and then a cove feels out of touch.If you want to make love, find yer way, or keep check on the nuggets you spend,You must put in the patter O. K., mate, or somehow you come out wrong end.'Ad a turn at the oldExpersition, bid one larst good-bye to the Tower,And chi-ikedlar Rerpooblicka bit for her luck in jest keepin' in power.The Bullanger boom was a fizzle. They say he's mopped out;Idunnow;But it wouldn't surpriseme, my pippin, to see him yet Bossing the Show.I had metMister Punchat Chermooney—he also was out on the scoop,On a Trip Round the World, so he told me. Sez I, "I'll pal on to your troop."But he gave me a look from his lamps, and somehow I choked off like a shot,"Take your own line," sea he, "andmytip; do not swagger, drink deep, or talk rot!"Should 'ave like to ha' joined him, in course, but he'ssecha 'ot 'and at a 'int,Still he said if I'd send him a letter to you, mate, he'd put it in print.So look hout for the Halmanack,Charlie! You saw my last letter from Parry?Well this with some picters, I 'ope will bring similarkudosto'Arry.

Don't fancy he twigged, not percisely. But, lor', them French waitersissnide,

With their black Heton jackets, white aprons, and trim "mutton chopper" each side,

At the Caffys, dear boy, 'arter twelve, it's a wonder to see 'em waltz round

With a tray-full of syrups and strors, with no spillings, and 'ardly a sound.

Bit confusing at fust, the French lingo; their posters an' cetrer looks rum,And you've got to be fly to their meaning afore you can make the thing hum.I kep' on button-holing old buffers to find out my way about town,And sailed briskly along fur as "Esker—?" when, 'ang it!—I mostly broke down.

Bit confusing at fust, the French lingo; their posters an' cetrer looks rum,

And you've got to be fly to their meaning afore you can make the thing hum.

I kep' on button-holing old buffers to find out my way about town,

And sailed briskly along fur as "Esker—?" when, 'ang it!—I mostly broke down.

Esker voo, with a gurgle to follow, don't fetch 'em, these Frenchies, not much;"Conny par" comes a great deal too often, and then a cove feels out of touch.If you want to make love, find yer way, or keep check on the nuggets you spend,You must put in the patter O. K., mate, or somehow you come out wrong end.

Esker voo, with a gurgle to follow, don't fetch 'em, these Frenchies, not much;

"Conny par" comes a great deal too often, and then a cove feels out of touch.

If you want to make love, find yer way, or keep check on the nuggets you spend,

You must put in the patter O. K., mate, or somehow you come out wrong end.

'Ad a turn at the oldExpersition, bid one larst good-bye to the Tower,And chi-ikedlar Rerpooblicka bit for her luck in jest keepin' in power.The Bullanger boom was a fizzle. They say he's mopped out;Idunnow;But it wouldn't surpriseme, my pippin, to see him yet Bossing the Show.

'Ad a turn at the oldExpersition, bid one larst good-bye to the Tower,

And chi-ikedlar Rerpooblicka bit for her luck in jest keepin' in power.

The Bullanger boom was a fizzle. They say he's mopped out;Idunnow;

But it wouldn't surpriseme, my pippin, to see him yet Bossing the Show.

I had metMister Punchat Chermooney—he also was out on the scoop,On a Trip Round the World, so he told me. Sez I, "I'll pal on to your troop."But he gave me a look from his lamps, and somehow I choked off like a shot,"Take your own line," sea he, "andmytip; do not swagger, drink deep, or talk rot!"

I had metMister Punchat Chermooney—he also was out on the scoop,

On a Trip Round the World, so he told me. Sez I, "I'll pal on to your troop."

But he gave me a look from his lamps, and somehow I choked off like a shot,

"Take your own line," sea he, "andmytip; do not swagger, drink deep, or talk rot!"

Should 'ave like to ha' joined him, in course, but he'ssecha 'ot 'and at a 'int,Still he said if I'd send him a letter to you, mate, he'd put it in print.So look hout for the Halmanack,Charlie! You saw my last letter from Parry?Well this with some picters, I 'ope will bring similarkudosto'Arry.

Should 'ave like to ha' joined him, in course, but he'ssecha 'ot 'and at a 'int,

Still he said if I'd send him a letter to you, mate, he'd put it in print.

So look hout for the Halmanack,Charlie! You saw my last letter from Parry?

Well this with some picters, I 'ope will bring similarkudosto

'Arry.

Having disposed of'Arry,Mr. Punchwished himself in the Celestial Empire. And in China the Sage found himself. Pagodas and pigtails met him on every side.

"Really, not half bad," murmured the Sage, and then, turning toToby, he was surprised to find his attached attendant trembling from the tail backwards. "Ah, I see: a Celestialrestaurant!No, no, my boy, don't be alarmed. They shan't eatyou. If I want any food, it shall be some light refreshment—say a Feast of Lanterns."

"I'm pleased to see you looking so well, Sir," said a portly person, with a remarkably florid complexion, and wearing a suit of well-worn evening clothes, emerging from therestaurant. "I've been waiting for you, Sir, a long time."

"That you have,Robert—in the City and elsewhere. But what areyoudoing in China?"

"It's a long story,Mr. Punch; but if you don't mind eating this bird's-nest soup, which isn't bad, though not a patch upon our dear tuttle, I will tell you how I came to leave our glorious Corporation, and got into these outlandish parts."

Mr. Punchbowed, and discarding a pair of chopsticks for a spoon, toyed with the succulent preparation while he listened to

"Robert's Story about China."Finger pointing right.

Mr. Punch to Toby.

MR. PUNCH'S PANORAMA OF THE YEAR 1889.

Iam the only Painter without bias,And Monster Panoramas, myTobias,Now being quite the order of the day,I've limned the largest, which I here display;And, issued in mine Almanack, 'tis clear'Twill be the Biggest Order of the Year!'Tis painted in the Highest Art Style—Mine!Here you perceive the pith of 'Eighty-Nine,A Year of Grace—and also of disgraces.Look,Toby, on this sea of well-known faces!Mark the familiar eyes, the salient noses!(The sign ofGladstoneor the mark ofMoses.)Kings, Lords and Ladies, Statesmen, Whigs and Tories.No painter of great sprawling AllegoriesEver yet packed into so small a compassSo many who've won fame—or raised a rumpus.Aprécisof a twelvemonth's work and babble isThis summary of the greatAnnus Mirabilis.Perpend,Tobias. Hand me up the pointer.Listen, O World! and, Time, thou great disjointerOf hearts and epochs, stand awhile at gaze,Whilst I explore, explain the Mighty Maze,Which, being made byPunch, the Friend of Man,You may depend is "not without a plan."

Iam the only Painter without bias,

And Monster Panoramas, myTobias,

Now being quite the order of the day,

I've limned the largest, which I here display;

And, issued in mine Almanack, 'tis clear

'Twill be the Biggest Order of the Year!

'Tis painted in the Highest Art Style—Mine!

Here you perceive the pith of 'Eighty-Nine,

A Year of Grace—and also of disgraces.

Look,Toby, on this sea of well-known faces!

Mark the familiar eyes, the salient noses!

(The sign ofGladstoneor the mark ofMoses.)

Kings, Lords and Ladies, Statesmen, Whigs and Tories.

No painter of great sprawling Allegories

Ever yet packed into so small a compass

So many who've won fame—or raised a rumpus.

Aprécisof a twelvemonth's work and babble is

This summary of the greatAnnus Mirabilis.

Perpend,Tobias. Hand me up the pointer.

Listen, O World! and, Time, thou great disjointer

Of hearts and epochs, stand awhile at gaze,

Whilst I explore, explain the Mighty Maze,

Which, being made byPunch, the Friend of Man,

You may depend is "not without a plan."

Now for the rostrum! Follow my pointer,Toby, with thy recording pencil. Listen, O World, with ears attent, and eyes "sequacious of the—Truth-teller!" I speakurbi et orbi!

First, the newly-elected County Council, Ladies and Gentlemen!Ritchie'scolossal Civic Symposium! "Ritchie'sFolly," some hasty assayers of innovations may have been tempted to term it. ButPunchis never hasty.

Macbethat the Lyceum andGladstonein Naples! Later on, "Macbeth"Irvingvisits theQueen—an honoured guest! The return of the dove—if the Brummagem Bruiser may be likened to the Bird of Peace. All, at any rate, welcome his wife, a true messenger of peace, let us hope, from across the Atlantic flood.

From West toNorth—the "Nitrate King." Let us trust he'll prove a "True North" to the multitudes who trusthim. Next the Teuton Titan on the (Colonial) War-Path! Formidable competitor; but even Titans trip at times, eh, Orion? FromBismarckasking for Samoa toChaplin"chucking" Protectionisa transit. Big 'uns both—of a sort? ButBoulanger, the pseudo-great General Boum, coming a cropper?Guarda, e passa!

The ingenious Japs at a new work of Art—scarcely native this time. We'll hope their "New Constitution" may shape as well as their cabinets, and wear better than their locks and keys. Pantomime child-peris turned out—pro tem., thanks be—of their Stage Paradise. "See me reverse!"

Two openings,—Parliament and the Parnell Commission. And then—sinister sequel to the latter!—the flight of the pitifulPigott. A far pleasanter picture is the return of generousD'Aumaleto Chantilly. Scarcely less agreeable, to lovers of peace and of France, is the flight of the blatant firebrandBoulanger. Welcome the coming, speed the parting guest!

Big brave boys these American Base-Ball players. Gamemaybe acclimatised here, buttheyevidently thought our "climate" against them, and with reason. Loss of theSultan,—notthePadishahhimself, worse luck! He would benoloss. Cambridge winning "the classic race"! Bravo, Light Blue! Who mutters demur! Ah! you are a brunette, though a "fair" one, my dear, soPunchpardons you. The sight of your GraciousQueenenjoying her Royal self in Portugal, will, perhaps, put you in a better temper, Miss.

Two bad endings! Abolition of the Board of Works, and abdication of KingMilanof Servia. Both can be well spared. ButBright, brave belligerentJohn, true, tenacious, trenchant,—no, we could ill sparehim. What,Punchwonders, would the fighting Apostle of Peace have said of the "Naval Defence Bill" hard by? Well, we know what the Country said of it. And the escape of that Kane-Captained Rennie-enginedCalliope,—England has not forgotten that yet, if the Admiralty has.

Opening of the Great—the Colossal, the Titanic, the World-witching, Republic-saving French Exhibition! As "Big" a thing as—as the Tour Eiffel itself! Can evenMr. Punchsay more? It must have a paragraph all to itself. Well done,Lutetia! Well may youpro tem.at least, kick out politics.

Sandy"takes the floor," and his "Scotch Local Government Bill!" Hope he'll like it. He generally does like big things, be they Bills or Cabers! Better anyhow thanPaddyrelishes "Balfour'sBattering-Ram," which comes next. And then, Gentlemen, the match at Brummagem between those two political pugilists,ChurchillandChamberlain! Fight unfinished, result as yet uncertain. National Portrait Gallery to be fitly housed at last. Then the picture takes us "across the herring-pond" to the great Washington Centenary. Four Millions more money for Ships, the opening of the Opera Season, the raising of the Rates; all matters of interest, painful or otherwise, to most of you, Gentlemen.

Abandonment of the Sugar Bill! Not one of the much-talked-of "sweets of office" this, eh? AskBaron de Worms! Raid on the Betting Clubs! But the great Demon of Gambling, like the objects of the great Curse in Ingoldsby, "never" seems "one penny the worse." Opening of the Spanish Exhibition. Equipment of our Volunteers. Bravo, Lord MayorWhitehead!

The Johnstown Floods, Gentlemen; too terrible to talk lightly of. Here is symbolised the discreditable Parachute Mania, which was a disagreeable feature of the dead year. May it die therewith! I hear a stir, a silken amongst my fair auditors. Yes, Ladies, the Marriage of the lucky Duke ofPortland, lucky, as I said at the time, with both Bridal and Bridle. Another Dropped Bill, Gentlemen; this time the Land Transfer Bill, "knocked out" in the Lords by the "Sluggers" of Legal Privilege. Westward Ho! goes the ubiquitous, inexhaustible G. O. M. on party thoughts intent; whilst near him is shadowed forth the rise of that Irreconcileable, Socialistic new "Fourth Party," the avowed purposes of which probably sometimes "give him pause."

Great Show of the "Humorists in Art." Hope you all went to see it. If you didn't, 'twas your loss. Then—strange juxtaposition!—the Great Turf Libel Case!Canone "libel" the Turf?Mr. Punchwonders. Anyhow, "Donovan"—that Lucky Duke again!—wins the Derby. "Donovan" was evidently "on the job," not "out for an airing," eh? Visit of theShahof Persia. You will not want me to say anything more about that threshed-out subject. The Labour Congress in Switzerland was less talked of, but probably quite as important, whilst the appointment of Her Most GraciousMajestyas President of the Royal Agricultural Society is of even greater home-interest.

Next comes the Great Event of the Year!Mr. Punch'sVisit to the Paris Exhibition, already celebrated by him in proper time and shape! You all of you have its record, of course. If not—get it!!! That Balloon bore a happy party, and needed no parachute.

The Delagoa Bay Railway business,Mr. Punch'spictorial comment on which so infuriated mischievous MasterPortugal! The Whitechapel Woe! Not a matter for words, Gentlemen, but deeds.

Hooray! Another Royal Marriage! The Wedding March, with aFifeaccompaniment! And—quite "in a concatenation accordingly," though at t'other side of Panorama—the Golden Wedding of the G. O. M. Prospect and retrospect, both pleasant. Was it the tender association of sympathy which made the G. O. M. so eloquent in favour of the Royal Grants? Who knows? Anyhow, his more rampant "followers"—Labbyamong them—would have liked, for the moment, to "muzzle" the "old man eloquent"—asMonrodid the London dogs. The Naval Review, and the German Emperor's brief visit, "synchronised," as the saps say; andthen, as another "Big Thing," they madeChaplinMinister of Agriculture! "Capping the Climax," that! Hard-by another Great—or Big—Man, hews away at the Tithes Bill. Go it,Harcourt!

Following the example of anotherreallyGreat Man, Mr.Gladstonegoes to Paris, sees the Exhibition, mounts the Eiffel Tower, perorates pleasantly about the Two Republics, France and America. Or should we say, America and France?Arcades ambo?And the G. O. M. orating on them wasveryArcadian indeed.

The miserable Maybrick Case calls for no comment here. The Great Strike does. Memorable event, Ladies and Gentlemen, which—as TruthfulThomaswould say—"will have results." Ecclesiastical dress for ladiesmayinterest the more "dressy" portion of my audience—or may not. The French Elections.Mr. PunchcongratulatesMadame La Républiquewhom primarily the Exhibitors, and secondarily the Urns, saved from chaos and General Boum-Boulanger!Balfour'slittlefaux pas, in connection with an Irish University.Thatfish won't bite! "Outidanos" on the Triple Alliance! Outis—the Ulysses of Liberalism—defying the huge Polyphemus of Continental Despotism. So perhaps he, the Homer-lover, would picture it. Polyphemus may have a different opinion, perchance.

Railways in China! Ah!Mr. Punchthinks he has heard ofthatbefore. He hopes it may be true this time; though, to the Mandarin, the Locomotive is a Bogey, and the Line sacrilege. Arab advance on Suakin! Neither isthata novel item of news! Gallantly repelled this time, though, and partly, at least, by native valour. A good omen!

Trials at Maryborough, consequent on the lamentable Gweedore evictions, and yet more lamentable crime attending them. When willthissort of thing be wiped out of the panorama of the year?

Raid of the egregiousMcDougall, compound, apparently, ofBottomandPaul Pry. Well, all's well that ends well, eh, "Mister"Rosebery? Glad, anyhow,youare to boss the London County Council yet a little longer. You may be counted on to minimise theMcDougallelement.

Greek Royal Wedding. Rare year this for what may be called Splendid Splices! Royal Princes, Princesses, and lucky Dukes well to the fore! As a set-off—alas!—Mr. Punch'sPanorama has reluctantly, and delicately, to record many lamented deceases of great, or worthy, or well-beloved ones. Poor Crown PrinceRudolph, stout and eloquentJohn Bright, quaint and cleverPellegrini, theVanity FairCaricaturist, LadyHolland, of politico-social fame,Wilkie Collins, the master of ingeniously Sensational Romance; and last, but, toMr. Punchand his young men certainly not least,Percival Leigh, ofComic Latin Grammar, andMr. Pips's Diaryfame—to the world, and, to his private friends, "dear old Professor," of pleasant and unfading memory.

Royal Globe-trotters again? The German Emperor visits Constantinople, and hob-nobs with theSultan; the Prince ofWalesis off to Egypt, where, perhaps, he hob-nobs with Father Nile. Thence returning,Punchhopes, happy, and with renewed stores of sturdy health!

Yet later in the year come two Big Shows, the Lord Mayor's to wit, with pretty reproductions of old English dresses and disportings, and that of the evergreenP. T. Barnum, with—well—with everything in the marvel line, ifMr. Punchmay trustPhineas'sposters.

The Public, anyhow, may trustMr. Punch's!By such a Panoramic Poster even the Great Showman will admit himself outdone.

That is all, Ladies and Gentlemen, for the present.Mr. Punch, in conclusion, wishes you all a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!

n 22nd of February Session opened; date unusually late, but then remember our Autumn Session of previous year brought us up to Christmas Eve.Charles Lamb, arriving at office late in the morning, pleaded that he made up for it by going away early. House, going away late, returns little later. Very modest Ministerial Programme to commence with. How it has been carried out has been told from day to day with graphic minuteness and uncompromising fidelity byMr. Punch'shumble, but respected companion. "The Diary ofToby, M.P.," follows the British flag. It is read everywhere—by the pathless ice-floes of Canada, through the length of North and South America, in the cities of Australia, by the watch-fires of the Squatters, on Greenland's icy mountains, and eke on India's coral strand; wherePunchappears weekly on the bookstalls, price threepence. It will, therefore, not be necessary to go much into detail, a brief summary sufficing.

At the outsetGeorgie Hamiltonpromises Bill to strengthen Navy;Lord Advocatementions Scotch Universities Bill, with Scotch Local Government Bill to follow.Parnellputs in early appearance, challengingBalfour, amid wild cheers from Irish Members, to explain whyCarew, M.P., at present in prison, had been deprived not only of his flannel shirt, but of his hair and moustache?

Debate on Address turns largely on Irish affairs. Suddenly, in full tide of attack, comes news of flight ofPigott. For awhilePigott'spresence fills the place; his name thrown atBalfourwhenever he rises; cries of "Pigott!" punctuate Ministerial replies. Nevertheless,John Morley'sAmendment to Address negatived by 339 votes against 260; Address being finally carried without a division.

Georgie Hamiltongot on early with his scheme for strengthening the Navy. Twenty-one-and-a-half millions asked for, adding seventy ships to British Navy. Not all to be built at once; whole scheme to be accomplished by April, 1894. Bill, debated three several nights, finally passed. In accordance with pledge given last Session, Supply put in fore-front of business. House sat night after night, sometimes voting money, always talking. All kinds of questions came up in Supply; treatment of Irish prisoners; Ministers' alleged connivance withTimes; above all,Pigott, by this time, huddled up in suicide's grave at Madrid. Special attack made onAttorney-Generalfor his professional connection with theTimescase.Harcourtled attack,Charles Russelltaking notable part in it. But his friends stuck to him through thick and thin, and Vote of Censure defeated by large majority.

On 28th of March, came news of death ofJohn Bright; fell like oil on troubled waters.Old Moralitybore testimony to his worth.Gladstonepronounced a splendid eulogy;Hartingtonadded a postscript;Justin M'Carthyspoke for Ireland; andChamberlain, rising to height of occasion, informed the House, that Birmingham had never allowed the Statesman they mourned to pay any of the subscriptions ordinarily exacted from a Borough Member. Thereafter the House went on with its ordinary business.

On 16th of April,Goschenintroduced Budget in smallest House gathered in similar circumstances for many years. Both ends made to meet by increase of Death Duties, and a little tinkering of the Malt Duty. About this time, the "Noble Baron," began to loom on horizon with his Sugar Bounties Convention. Much time wasted through remainder of Session over this matter. Government stood gallantly by "Noble Baron;" in the end, amid the jeers of Opposition, Sugar Bounties Bill withdrawn to avoid Ministerial defeat.

On 14th of May,Old Moralitybrought in Bill to establish Board of Agriculture for Great Britain, a measure which, happily passing, has dowered the country withChaplinas Minister of Agriculture.

Early in July, came on proposal to make provision for eldest Son ofPrince of Wales. Manifestations of opposition induced Government to present the matter in modified form of Motion for appointment of Select Committee to consider the whole question of provision for Members of Royal Family. This agreed to, after debate, in whichSageofQueen Anne's Gatecame to the front, keeping his place throughout subsequent proceedings. Great efforts made to buy off opposition of this incorruptible person; hesitated for brief moment, when position of Treasurer of Her Majesty's Household dangled before his eyes. Principal public duty of Treasurer, is to bring in gracious replies from the Throne to Addresses from faithful Commons. In his mind's eye,Sagesaw himself in Windsor uniform, with gold stripe adown trouser-leg, leaning lightly on white wand of office, as he stood at the Bar of the House awaiting theSpeaker'ssignal to bring up gracious reply. For a moment he faltered, but only for a moment. "No," he said, "England expects every man to do his duty, andLabbywill not disappoint expectation;" and he went straight off and put down five fresh Amendments. This, now published for the first time, is authentic.

These debates on the Royal Grants were, perhaps, the most animated of Session. Vote for Royal Family of course granted, but in face of significant minority of 116.Gladstonesupported Government, marching into Lobby against large majority of his own following, who turned aside with the IncorruptibleSage. Oddest thing of all was to behold Irish Members voting with the Court Party—Joseph Gillisgoing out shoulder to shoulder withArthur Balfour, andTay Payhobnobbing withOld Morality.

After this the Session languished.Old Moralityexpedited business by announcing that no fresh measures of importance would be taken. Members began to clear out, and early close of Session seemed imminent. But, towards end of July, when everybody thought business would be wound up, the Tithes Bill brought in, and stubbornly pressed. A difficult position for the Government. Bill hotly opposed by Liberals, and not loved by Conservatives.Gray, Conservative Member for Maldon, moved crucial Amendment, which was negatived only by critical majority of four in a House of 286 Members. Nevertheless Government still stuck to framework of Bill.Attorney-Generaltabled batch of Amendments which transmogrified the Measure. On 16th of August House faced by practically new Bill. This made matters no better. Liberals mollified, Conservatives angry. Next day, amid storm of jeering, borne with characteristic calmness byOld Morality, he withdrew the Measure.

After this it was all over, even the shouting, and on the very last day of August the Session of 1889 came to a close. Its final hours, otherwise peaceful, were fluttered by promise of a Measure endowing an Irish University, whereat there was much spluttering in political circles.

American Billionairess. 'M. le Docteur, I see the Duc....American Billionairess."M. le Docteur, I see the Duc de Sept-Cadrans is a Patient of yours. I want him to Propose to my Daughter. A—any Fee that—a——"Professor of Hypnotism."Madam, I vill ypnotise M. le Duc. Ve shall see!——"

American Billionairess."M. le Docteur, I see the Duc de Sept-Cadrans is a Patient of yours. I want him to Propose to my Daughter. A—any Fee that—a——"

Professor of Hypnotism."Madam, I vill ypnotise M. le Duc. Ve shall see!——"

'Sorry to trouble you again so soon, Monsieur?'"Sorry to trouble you again so soon, Monsieur? But my Daughter declares she won't accept M. le Duc, just because he's a Hunchback, an Idiot, and a Pauper!""Madam, leave it to me. I vill ypnotise also your Daughter!"

"Sorry to trouble you again so soon, Monsieur? But my Daughter declares she won't accept M. le Duc, just because he's a Hunchback, an Idiot, and a Pauper!"

"Madam, leave it to me. I vill ypnotise also your Daughter!"

The American Billionairess becomes Madame la DuchesseThe American Billionairess becomes Madame la Duchesse de Sept-Cadrans. She and her Husband are happy, although she has no Money, and there is no such Dukedom as Sept-Cadrans, for they have not yet lost their Illusions about each other.

The American Billionairess becomes Madame la Duchesse de Sept-Cadrans. She and her Husband are happy, although she has no Money, and there is no such Dukedom as Sept-Cadrans, for they have not yet lost their Illusions about each other.

And her lovely Daughter is now the proud and adoring wife....And her lovely Daughter is now the proud and adoring Wife of the great Hypnotic Scientist, who thereby becomes an American Billionaire. They move in the smartest Society in Paris, and manage to do a great deal of good.

And her lovely Daughter is now the proud and adoring Wife of the great Hypnotic Scientist, who thereby becomes an American Billionaire. They move in the smartest Society in Paris, and manage to do a great deal of good.

Mr. Punch left Mrs. Jones playing Lawn-Tennis with Mr. JonesMr. Punch left Mrs. Jones playing Lawn-Tennis with Mr. Jones—that the little Jones might be sound in Wind and Limb.

Mr. Punch left Mrs. Jones playing Lawn-Tennis with Mr. Jones—that the little Jones might be sound in Wind and Limb.

He found Madame Dubois keeping Monsieur Dubois' BooksHe found Madame Dubois keeping Monsieur Dubois' Books—in order that he may prosper and grow rich, and spare an extra Clerk.

He found Madame Dubois keeping Monsieur Dubois' Books—in order that he may prosper and grow rich, and spare an extra Clerk.

He found Frau Müller cooking Sauerkraut and SausagesHe found Frau Müller cooking Sauerkraut and Sausages—that Herr Müller should eat of the best and cheapest and most digestible.

He found Frau Müller cooking Sauerkraut and Sausages—that Herr Müller should eat of the best and cheapest and most digestible.

He found Mrs. van Trump reading Browning and Herbert SpencerHe found Mrs. van Trump reading Browning and Herbert Spencer—to be an Intellectual Companion for George P. van Trump, and his English Friends.

He found Mrs. van Trump reading Browning and Herbert Spencer—to be an Intellectual Companion for George P. van Trump, and his English Friends.

ROBERT'S STORY ABOUT CHINA.

The fact is, Sir, that I had got quite tired of hearing Gents all a grumbling at allers having the same kind of wittels at their Citty Bankwets: so I thort as I woud jest take a run hover here, jest to see what they had to hoffer by way of change; and so here I am, on my voyage of dishcovery.

I passes over that woyage, and my many blunders in trying to make myself hunderstood by the hignerent natives, and at once goes in to describe what was of coarse most hintresting to me, namely, the dinners. I dined wun day at the Shing-Cully Otel, which is a fust-class consern. I was told as all the Swells dined at the top of the house; so hup stairs I went, and sat myself down at a large tabel, with about 30 Chineese Gents, all drest in their riduklus kostoom of Jackets and pettycotes. They all stared at me as if I was sumthink werry strange, tho' drest in my ushal full hevening dress, with white choker. We only had 1 Maynoo for all of us, and had to chuse our Dishes, so I chose Birds'-nest Soup, Sharks' fins, as they hadn't got no Turbot, lots of frute, and Roast Puppy! We began with frute; but, before we ate any, we all took wine with one another! The Birds'-nest Soup must have been werry carefooly strained, for there wasn't not no twigs nor bits of straw, het setterer, in it. The Sharks' fins wasn't at all bad, but, as we wasn't allowd no knives or forks, but only 2 chop-sticks, as they calls 'em, I had sum difficulty in heating it. They then brort me some stewed sumthink, which was that oily that I didn't heat much of it. I ardly xpecs to be bleeved when I says that we had no tabel-cloth or tabel-napkins, but we each had a peace of common brown paper at the side of our plates, with which we all wiped our messy chop-sticks, and our oily mouths. The dux was werry good, so I had about harf a one. The Puppy Dog looked much like a Sucking Pig, but even the strong hunion sauce didn't hide the parfume enuff for me to be able to taste it. The wine wasn't anythink werry grand, but, what it wanted in flavior, it made up in strength, and many a eye began for to twinkle afore the dinner was over; and, judging from what I saw then, and at other times, I should think about the most commical hobjeck on earth is a drunken Chinyman. I was arterwards told that the propper place to get dogs and cats for dinner was in Jack-Poo-Kow. The idear of calling such horrid filth Kow, made me suspishus, so I found the place out, and, who should I see oppersite the winder where the dead dogs and cats is hung up to dry, but your own dogToby! a barking at 'em with such hindignashun that I werrily bleeves that one word of incurragement from me wood have made him rush into therestaurant, and ewen praps attack the Hed Waiter! However, I perswaded him to leave the horrid place, and go home with me; but, on our way, we came to another of them, where a black cat was hanging up, when inTobyrushed, and, siezing it in his mouth, brort it out to me, and tore it lim from lim! Out came the Master, and 2 of his Waiters, and, little knowing who I was, seized me, and dragged me into the shop, and demanded 100 sents, or four shillings, for the black cat's body, and tuppence for its pair of eyes, which, it seems, are considerd a speshal lukshury?Toby, insted of looking ashamed of hisself for his shamefool conduck, trotted by my side, barking away, and looking as prowd as a Lord Mare's Coachman, till I lost him in the crowd.

a sillibrated Mandereen

I called one day by appintment upon a sillibrated Mandereen with 3 tales, who must therefore have bin a heminent swell. He was not a tome, but the servents showed me into a room where a most bewtifool Chineese Lady was a-lying on a Sofhy, with such darling little tootsy putsys as I never seed afore, and which I shood think wood suttenly prewent her from ever warking like a Cristian Lady. She wore all her bewtifool hare brushed off her bewtifool face as if she wanted it all to grow backards. I warked boldly up to her and sed, "Mandareeny tomy tomy?" to which she replied, "Ching-Ching-Changy-Wangy!" Not quite undustanding a word she said, I was about to take my leave by saying, "Bowy! Wowy!" when she got off the Sofhy and hobbling along to the door, placed herself against it, and patting my estonished cheeks said, "Oh, how nicey picey!" I was that estonished that I thort I shood have fainted, and ewenToby, who I had took with me, stared at her with both his eyes, speshally when sheput up her fan, when presently the door was forced open from the howtside, and who shood henter but the three-taled Mandareen hisself!

the bewtifool Lady

He looked fust at the bewtifool Lady, and then at me, and then, harf droring his grate big sword, and sounding the Gong most wierlently, in rushed about ½ a dozen servents, and after some most angry words of Chineese gibberish from their master, they all siezed me and dragged me to another room, where they took off both my boots and my stockings and laying me down on the flore, tho I had all my best clothes onn, they beat both my souls and my eels with sticks till I skreamed for mersy!

They then left me. I was that hurt both in my feet and my feelinx that I didn't kno what on airth to do. When presently in came one of them quite quietly and said in a whisper: "I spikes ze Inglesh, pore feller! and if you have sum munny I can get you what you calls a sub-sty-tooty for the rest of your punnishment." "How much will it be?" says I. "About 10,000 Cash?" says he. "10,000 Cash!" says I. "It's only 2 pound ten of your munny," says he. So, feeling as I shood suttenly die if I had to go through the same tortur again, I gave him the munny, and sure enuff he soon returned with a pore seedy-looking Chinaman who took my place, and my new friend took me out of the house by the back-door, and off I set and got home without hinterrupshun!

I used to sit and receeve the respecfool atenshuns of the estonished parsers-by.

As soon as my feet got well I went to a werry sillybrated Phizzygonomist, I thinks they calls 'em, to have my fortun told. He werry kindly sed that my large mouth and chin, and my furm nose, and my large neck, was all most faverable sines; but added, as he was sorry to have to say, that as my eyes was not long ones, and had no large pewpils, I must most suttenly have a grate natteral taste for picking and stealing! Whether sich a rewelation was worth fifteen sents, or 7½d., I must leave you, Sir, to determine; all I can say is, that I thort it dear at the munny.

I bort wun day a most bewtifool Chineese rapper, and I used offen to go and sit on the steps leading to wun of their little tempels, with my air werry nicely drest by a air-dresser, and there, withTobyby my side, I used to sit and receeve the respecfool atenshuns of the estonished parsers-by.

One of the prinsiple emusements of the hupper nobillerty is the flying of most bewtifool kites! I have heard of the same thing being dun in the great City of London, but I never seed it. I bleeves in both cases the kites is made of paper. Everybody smokes in China, Men and Women and Boys and Gals. Sum of the men has baccy-pipes so long that they uses them as Warking-Sticks!

I was rayther surprised to find as they warships the Griffin, jest such a wun as we has on the top of Tempel Bar, but which our peepel, as you kno, don't warship, not by no means. But the Chineese in their dense hignerence calls it a Draggon!

In short, Sir, I arives at the conclushun that the Chineese is about the rummest lot of peeple in the hole world, and anyboddy as wants plenty of fun had better cum here at wunce, but not stay long, and don't heat dogs or cats, or wisit Mandereen's Wives.

"Thank you, very much," saidMr. Punch, whenRoberthad finished speaking, "but I am afraid I can stay with you no longer. I wish to pay a flying visit to the Colonies. But first I must show Mr.Stanleythat, great Discoverer though he may be, I can yet over-explore him!" Then, accompanied by his faithfulToby, he wished that they should be in Central Africa. Urged by his companion, in this instance, he took some copious notes. He preserved them, and they are thus able to be embodied in this veracious chronicle.

truggle through the jungle; hardships beginning. Black-legs, engaged owing to strike amongstDokkas, or native porters, fast dwindling, owing to energetic picketing with poisoned arrows from behind trees by small brown dwarfs. Pursued one, and after boxing his ears severely, dismissed him with threat of telling his mother. Jungle almost impassable. All heavier baggage sent on to Central Africa by Parcels Delivery. After four days' wandering, the Lady Guide, who had been represented as "thoroughly conversant with the district," began to cry and said she had lost the path. Dismissed her on the spot, paying her return fare, though under nolegalobligation to do so. Reallytooridiculous to attempt to conduct a party through the Dark Continent with nothing but an ordnance map of Epping Forest! Long and fruitless search for track; fortunately, just as despair reached climax, met aKoppah(or native policeman) and asked him—turned out to be only just round the corner.

On the main road again; Passed a native caravan of nomadDjipsis. Bought a hearth-brush and door-mat. At mid-day, took the sun with portable camera. Sun moved and spoilt negative. Made some observations.

Reached native village—N'yutoihigama. Much struck by native method of ascending palms for cocoa-nuts, carrying letters, wrestling, &c. Visited KingMahbulof Pigzinklovaland. Much interested by efforts of King with his three favourite wives, all under influence ofPombéor palm-beer, to roll into royal kraal.

On again; progress obstructed by theNekkidsof Nuffintowara, who seemed bent on giving battle. Sent messenger to King with present of shirt-studs, after which allowed to pass unharmed. Further on, stopped by band ofGrimi-Grubbas, who evidently meant being nasty. Called to them pleasantly in native tongue, "Cheke-bobo-nangu-yanzi-toorali?" (Good-morning, have you used Scours' Soap?) Found they hadn't, and presented them with a packet, also with brushes and other articles of the toilette, of which they were in great need.

Came to open space near N'yumarkiti. Saw someDarckorsisrunning in and out of brushwood in highly suspicious manner. Found on inquiry that they were only "out for an airing" not "on the job." Much relieved. Conference with King M'rora of the Wezijiji tribe; trumpets sounded as soon as he was done.

Discovered large river of colour of strong green tea. Named it the Sir Wilfrid Lawson. Entered territory of the Rumboozi people. Their king,Mopzanbrumzi, offering his services as guide.Mopsanbrumzimost cordial, but much too drunk to be of any material assistance. Once powerful intellect now, alas! degraded. Made a long speech in the Ikkupi dialect—quite unintelligible.Mopzanbrumzipresented with a small tin of Royal Mail Red Paint, with which, when the expedition left, he was proceeding to decorate the vicinity.

On the lagoon. An adventure befellToby, which, but for prompt action, might have had fatal termination;Tobymistook open mouth of hippopotamus for drain, and rushed down in search of rat. Hippopotamus closed mouth, with expression intimating plainly that "No contributions can be returned unless accompanied by stamps and directed wrapper."Toby'sbarking inside fainter. At length remembered having brought Report of Parnell Commission for private reading. Read Report to Hippopotamus slowly, until symptoms of weariness observable in huge pachyderm. Read on, and hippopotamus yawned; whereupon whistled toToby, who ran up, not much the worse, except that frill had lost every vestige of colour.

Engaged native interpreter, as no conversation manuals published for countries in this district. Excellent fellow—clean, strictly honest, total abstainer; only one blemish—not discovered till later—a bit of a cannibal when he got the chance. Sent him on to announce our arrival to the Dilli-dillis, but found none in the neighbourhood when we came up—only some things which hesaidwere fossils. Made no comment, but resolved to send them to ProfessorHuxley, and see whathisopinion is.

Among the Bong Booshis; despatched Cannibal Interpreter to report;he returned, wiping his mouth, and announcing that they were "most agreeable, excellent, good people."

Africa

Could not understand why they all hid underground at our approach, and why the King so persistently sent word that he was not at home. Told Interpreter that, in our opinion, he was a little deficient in tact. Sent him to treat with a native chief, calledPhatti, and had the mortification this time of surprising himin the act; no denial possible—he had his mouth full at the time! Told him that, if this occurredagain, we should be exceedingly annoyed. Cannibal Interpreter penitent; lent him tract,Why I Became a Vegetarian, over which he shed tears.

Came to the M'yusikauli District. KingLessicame to meet us, and offeredMr. Puncha free pass over his domains. In the evening a grand performance, partly in our honour, partly to celebrate recent triumph over the G'yudi-g'yudis, who, under their chiefMakdoogalla, had been waging waragainst the M'yusi-kaulis on the pretext that they were assuming an offensive demeanour. Heard afterwards that both sides claimed victory, but truce declared for a year. Performance magnificent—but much too long. Native dances byIkikagirls in pairs.T'seriokomiksandT'songandanzasalso gave curious exhibitions of their powers.HackiribatsandKunjeras(or native magicians) performed. A wild, weird, lurid scene, strange and fascinating—but a trifle slow.

The North Pole.

In Ugoweh; met some Gitalongdo girls, but could not succeed in persuading them to enter into conversation.

On the River; sawKrûspractising in long canoes, and got out of their way. Descended cataracts; shot several rapids, and sent them home to be stuffed.

Came to Desert, and hired camel to go across on, (N.B. These animals are styled "Back-tryin"—which theyare.) Only eighteen-pence an hour, which would have been reasonable enough, butquite impossible to sit out more than nine-penn'orth. Decided to take an ostrich for remainder of journey. Softer to sit. Ostrich a failure; ran for five hours in a circle, at express speed, and then suddenly turned shy, and buried its head in sand, without the slightest notice; foolish habit for any bird to acquire. Determined to try a quagga—quagga triedme, and very soon found me wanting, A quagga is a brute to buck! After all, came back to my old wooden mount—spot better than stripes, any day.

In the Jungle again. Discovered Colony of Highly-educated Anthropoid Apes. Lent them some copies ofPunch, which are indispensable to all African travellers. Apes delighted—one large gorilla quite hysterical with laughter. Much gratified—till discovery that it was theadvertisementswhich amused them most. Sense of humour of apes much exaggerated.

Reached the Kit'ldrumma District. Natives hostile at first; war-drums sounded incessantly. Fortunately fond of music, so easily pacified them by playing selection from "Tannhäuser," arranged for drum and panpipes byLiszt.Tobytaking violent fancy to a "Spottiduff," or native dog,Spottiduffvanishing mysteriously shortly before dinner; find this animal considered a great dainty in this locality.Tobyinconsolable.

Among the Ustingis. Received with great ceremony by their king—Chesipara. Palm wine (corked) handed round in liqueur glasses. Dinner beastly.Chesiparasaying repeatedly that he "made no stranger of me"—hewill, though, for the future. Exchange of presents. GaveChesiparaa silver-mounted dressing case (bankrupt stock—a bargain), a handsome coloured supplement,Muzzer's Darling(given away with Christmas Number ofTimon), a microscope (object-lens missing—but he'll never miss it), a plated fish-slice, and a pair of nut-crackers.Chesipara, after a good deal of parade, presented me with a bunch of very indifferent bananas, and a brass collar, belonging to one of his wives, whom he had had killed on purpose! Told him, with much emotion, that I should never forget it.

Reached the Centre of Africa; found that luggage hadnotbeen forwarded after all! Had to borrow a clean shirt from Kollamangel chief, promised to return it on arrival at Coast. Difficulty withTippoo-Tipof the Blackmaïlas, who refused to allowMr. Punchto pass without tribute. Pacified him with palm butter and reached coast without further incident.

After leavingTippoo-Tip, he continued his journey through the Colonies. Now he was taking tiffin in Calcutta, and a few minutes later found everyone asleep at Montreal. Christmas seemed to him to be being kept in Melbourne in the most sultry weather, and New Year's Day in Cape Colony was observed as a Midsummer festival. He had a general impression of constant change and constant improvement. The spirit of the mighty English Race seemed to be falling upon the world like a ray of glorious sunshine. This ray of light was continually increasing and beating back the darkness. And, as the Sage travelled through the air, he found everywhere content. It mattered not who the natives might be, they had but one flag, the Union Jack, one sovereign, the Empress-QueenVictoria!

"RuleBritannia!" criedMr. Punch, enthusiastically. "But for all that, I wish I could have a few minutes to myself."

In a moment, he found himself seated amidst the eternal snows of the North Pole.

"Well, this is an ice place!" shivered the Sage. There was a roar of mighty laughter from the Aurora Borealis. It was the first time that the ancient jest had been uttered in those latitudes. The Sage blushed at his adoption of the venerable "Joe Miller," and wished himself back in Europe—in civilisation.

He found himself in Venice. Steam gondolas were travelling along the Grand Canal, and Cockneys were cutting their names on the sacred stones of the Church of St. Mark.

"It is becoming very English," murmured the Sage. "I suppose the next move will be to organise pigeon-shooting matches in front of the Café Florian, after turning the Doge's Palace into an illuminated Palace of Varieties."

Mr. Punchwas disgusted, and began to think longingly of home.

"I have made a pretty fair round of the world, but I suppose I ought to do a little more in Europe—after all, it has the first claim upon my consideration. Let me consider—I think I should like to see a Greek robber in Athens."

Back to Index Next