"Goodwill to man!" the dear old carol saith.Ah me! Then why so much mean personal pother?We're credulous of aught that means the scatheOf a sad sister, or a stumbling brother.Men are like stoutJohn Bunyan's"Little Faith,"—Save in believing evil of each other!There faith indeed is strong; but 'tis a rarityThat such strange Faith is found combined with Charity!
"Goodwill to man!" the dear old carol saith.Ah me! Then why so much mean personal pother?We're credulous of aught that means the scatheOf a sad sister, or a stumbling brother.Men are like stoutJohn Bunyan's"Little Faith,"—Save in believing evil of each other!There faith indeed is strong; but 'tis a rarityThat such strange Faith is found combined with Charity!
"Goodwill to man!" the dear old carol saith.
Ah me! Then why so much mean personal pother?
We're credulous of aught that means the scathe
Of a sad sister, or a stumbling brother.
Men are like stoutJohn Bunyan's"Little Faith,"—
Save in believing evil of each other!
There faith indeed is strong; but 'tis a rarity
That such strange Faith is found combined with Charity!
Mem. by a Muser.—Many a spouting member of the "Independent Labour Party" is a "party" who wishes to be independent of labour.HardieNorsemen, please note!
PREPARING FOR THE PARLIAMENTARY PANTOMIME. THEATRE ROYAL, ST. STEPHEN'S.PREPARING FOR THE PARLIAMENTARY PANTOMIME.THEATRE ROYAL, ST. STEPHEN'S.Party Colourists at work on the Properties.
Party Colourists at work on the Properties.
[The ideal lady's pocket, that shall at once be accessible to its owner and defy the footpad's art, has yet to be invented.—Wears of Tautologus.]
MyJulia'schaste and winsome cheer,Her comely lip, her coral ear,And eke her knickerbocker gear,—These be the theme of rhyming folk,Whereof the skill I here invokeIn malediction of her poke;In that it passeth human witBy sleight of hand withal to hitUpon the pathless track of it.ThoughJulia'sself therein dispose'That napkin with the which she blowsFor sorry rheum her Greekish nose,Not if she search with heavy painShall she by taking thought attainTo look upon the thing again;To him alone of mortal clayThat picketh pokes beside the wayTheir deeps are open as the day.Whenas her alms she would disburse,In vain she probeth for her purse,Whereat the beggars shrewdly curse;Even so their teeth do felons gnashThat lightly lift her ready cash,Which he that stealeth stealeth trash.Oft-times she doth full bravely holdHer breezy reticule of goldWithin her digits' dainty fold;As certain maids, I well believe,Do wear th' affections on their sleeveFor any worthless wight to reave.But though her purse not suffer rape,Mischance is like in other shapeTo put on her a saucy jape;—If so my lady at the martFor very joyaunce of her heartDo purchase her a pasty tart,Let her not make essay to bringSo beauteous and frail a thingWithin her poke's encompassing;Lest, sitting down with weary stress,Unheedful of its buxomness,She make a right unseemly mess!Certes a man purblind may seeFor these offences needs must beSome comfortable remedy;Whoso deviseth such an one,I trow that his inventiònShall soothly pouch the peerless bun.
MyJulia'schaste and winsome cheer,Her comely lip, her coral ear,And eke her knickerbocker gear,—
MyJulia'schaste and winsome cheer,
Her comely lip, her coral ear,
And eke her knickerbocker gear,—
These be the theme of rhyming folk,Whereof the skill I here invokeIn malediction of her poke;
These be the theme of rhyming folk,
Whereof the skill I here invoke
In malediction of her poke;
In that it passeth human witBy sleight of hand withal to hitUpon the pathless track of it.
In that it passeth human wit
By sleight of hand withal to hit
Upon the pathless track of it.
ThoughJulia'sself therein dispose'That napkin with the which she blowsFor sorry rheum her Greekish nose,
ThoughJulia'sself therein dispose'
That napkin with the which she blows
For sorry rheum her Greekish nose,
Not if she search with heavy painShall she by taking thought attainTo look upon the thing again;
Not if she search with heavy pain
Shall she by taking thought attain
To look upon the thing again;
To him alone of mortal clayThat picketh pokes beside the wayTheir deeps are open as the day.
To him alone of mortal clay
That picketh pokes beside the way
Their deeps are open as the day.
Whenas her alms she would disburse,In vain she probeth for her purse,Whereat the beggars shrewdly curse;
Whenas her alms she would disburse,
In vain she probeth for her purse,
Whereat the beggars shrewdly curse;
Even so their teeth do felons gnashThat lightly lift her ready cash,Which he that stealeth stealeth trash.
Even so their teeth do felons gnash
That lightly lift her ready cash,
Which he that stealeth stealeth trash.
Oft-times she doth full bravely holdHer breezy reticule of goldWithin her digits' dainty fold;
Oft-times she doth full bravely hold
Her breezy reticule of gold
Within her digits' dainty fold;
As certain maids, I well believe,Do wear th' affections on their sleeveFor any worthless wight to reave.
As certain maids, I well believe,
Do wear th' affections on their sleeve
For any worthless wight to reave.
But though her purse not suffer rape,Mischance is like in other shapeTo put on her a saucy jape;—
But though her purse not suffer rape,
Mischance is like in other shape
To put on her a saucy jape;—
If so my lady at the martFor very joyaunce of her heartDo purchase her a pasty tart,
If so my lady at the mart
For very joyaunce of her heart
Do purchase her a pasty tart,
Let her not make essay to bringSo beauteous and frail a thingWithin her poke's encompassing;
Let her not make essay to bring
So beauteous and frail a thing
Within her poke's encompassing;
Lest, sitting down with weary stress,Unheedful of its buxomness,She make a right unseemly mess!
Lest, sitting down with weary stress,
Unheedful of its buxomness,
She make a right unseemly mess!
Certes a man purblind may seeFor these offences needs must beSome comfortable remedy;
Certes a man purblind may see
For these offences needs must be
Some comfortable remedy;
Whoso deviseth such an one,I trow that his inventiònShall soothly pouch the peerless bun.
Whoso deviseth such an one,
I trow that his inventiòn
Shall soothly pouch the peerless bun.
'My dear Jessie, what on earth is that....'Gertrude."My dear Jessie, what on earth is that Bicycle Suit for?"Jessie."Why, to wear, of course."Gertrude."But you haven't got a Bicycle!"Jessie."No; but I've got a Sewing Machine!"
Gertrude."My dear Jessie, what on earth is that Bicycle Suit for?"
Jessie."Why, to wear, of course."
Gertrude."But you haven't got a Bicycle!"
Jessie."No; but I've got a Sewing Machine!"
Perplexed.—You are entirely in error in supposing that the member for Otley, Yorks, has, in accepting a baronetcy, descended from a higher estate. You have been deceived by similarity of sound. The hon. member was not of the same rank as a statesman (who we observe has just repaired to his country seat at Pinley Park, where he will entertain His Serene Highness theDuc de Seidlitz-Poudre) to whom SirRobert Peelused to allude in the House of Commons as "the noble Baron." In becoming SirJohn Barran, Bart., the member for Otley gains a distinct step in the social ladder.
Blind, Deaf, and Dumb.—We are pleased to be able to reassure you. The fact that you have not lately heard or read speeches by SirWilliam Harcourtis no evidence that the treble disability under which you unhappily labour is increasing. There is a well known case, cited in Littleton upon Coke, where a man was not able to see the Spanish fleet "because it is not yet in sight." For analogous reason you have not lately heard anything of theChancellor of the Exchequer. He has not been speaking. The fact is, theSquire of Malwood—to use a title by which he is locally known, and in which he most rejoices—was cut out for a rustic recluse. Circumstances have, unwillingly, dragged him into the front of politics, and he has done the duty that lies to his hand. When opportunity can be made he takes his leisure at his lodge in the New Forest, and meditates on the untimely fate of his pre-Plantagenet forbearWilliam Rufus. Nevertheless, we are not without suspicion that SirWilliam Harcourtshares the peculiarity ofCarlyle, of whom you will remember his wife shrewdly remarked that "his love for silence is platonic." If you keep your ears open and your mouth shut, you may probably, before long, hear the familiar voice resounding from a public platform.
A Shakspearean Student.—We had not before heard of the incident. It is, however, quite possible, as you have been informed, that when the Marquis ofSalisbury, K.G., heard of the defection of the Earl ofBuckinghamshire, who has joined the Liberal forces, the only remark he made was "Off with his head."
Lord Illingworth.My dearGoring, I assure you that a well-tied tie is the first serious step in life.
Lord Goring.My dearIllingworth, five well-made button-holes a day are far more essential. They please women, and women rule society.
'Full of good things!'"Full of good things!"
"Full of good things!"
Lord Illingworth.I understood you considered women of no importance?
Lord Goring.My dearGeorge, a man's life revolves on curves of intellect. It is on the hard lines of the emotions that a woman's life progresses. Both revolve in cycles of masterpieces. They should revolve on bi-cycles; built, if possible, for two. But I am keeping you?
Lord Illingworth.I wish you were. Nowadays it is only the poor who are kept at the expense of the rich.
Lord Goring.Yes. It is perfectly comic, the number of young men going about the world nowadays who adopt perfect profiles as a useful profession.
Lord Illingworth.Surely that must be the next world? How about the Chiltern Thousands?
Lord Goring.Don't.George. Have you seenWindermerelately? DearWindermere! I should like to be exactly unlikeWindermere.
Lord Illingworth.PoorWindermere! He spends his mornings in doing what is possible, and his evenings in saying what is probable. By the way, do you really understand all I say?
Lord Goring.Yes, when I don't listen attentively.
Lord Illingworth.Reach me the matches, like a good boy—thanks. Now—define these cigarettes—as tobacco.
Lord Goring.My dearGeorge, they are atrocious. And they leave me unsatisfied.
Lord Illingworth.You are a promising disciple of mine. The only use of a disciple is that at the moment of one's triumph he stands behind one's chair and shouts that after all he is immortal.
Lord Goring.You are quite right. It is as well, too, to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be learnt.
Lord Illingworth.Certainly, and ugliness is the root of all industry.
Lord Goring.George, your conversation is delightful, but your views are terribly unsound. You are always saying insincere things.
Lord Illingworth.If one tells the truth, one is sure sooner or later to be found out.
Lord Goring.Perhaps. The sky is like a hard hollow sapphire. It is too late to sleep. I shall go down to Covent Garden and look at the roses. Good-night,George! I have had such a pleasant evening!
["The social duty of paying calls, refreshed, as it necessarily is, by frequent cups of tepid tea, is apparently little better than a process of slow poisoning."—Daily Graphic.]
["The social duty of paying calls, refreshed, as it necessarily is, by frequent cups of tepid tea, is apparently little better than a process of slow poisoning."—Daily Graphic.]
'A word to you, Amanda mine!'"A word to you, Amanda mine!"
"A word to you, Amanda mine!"
Oh, here's a pretty state of things! Whenever you go calling,And take this deadly liquor and imbibe it without stint,You're certainly preparing a catastrophe appalling,Your mirth is as the little lamb's, unmindful of the mint.And when your entertainer, who seems so sweetly placidAnd quite unlike a criminal, suggests "Another cup?"She might as well be offering a dose of prussic acid,And the Public Prosecutor ought to take the matter up!"The cup that cheers"—that hackneyed phrase is frightfully in error,If seldom it "inebriates" (itdoes, the doctors plead),There lurks within its fatal draught a more efficient terror,'Twill shortly make a funeral your one and only need!So since a daily cup or two the thin end of the wedge is,And since this revelation of our danger has been made,We all will wear red ribbons and will sign the strictest pledges,And speedily inaugurate an "Anti-Tea" crusade.A word to you,Amandamine. Unless your cruel kindness,Your efforts to consign me to an early grave, shall cease,And if you dare, presuming on my long-continued blindness,To offer me a cup of tea—I'll send for the police!
Oh, here's a pretty state of things! Whenever you go calling,And take this deadly liquor and imbibe it without stint,You're certainly preparing a catastrophe appalling,Your mirth is as the little lamb's, unmindful of the mint.
Oh, here's a pretty state of things! Whenever you go calling,
And take this deadly liquor and imbibe it without stint,
You're certainly preparing a catastrophe appalling,
Your mirth is as the little lamb's, unmindful of the mint.
And when your entertainer, who seems so sweetly placidAnd quite unlike a criminal, suggests "Another cup?"She might as well be offering a dose of prussic acid,And the Public Prosecutor ought to take the matter up!
And when your entertainer, who seems so sweetly placid
And quite unlike a criminal, suggests "Another cup?"
She might as well be offering a dose of prussic acid,
And the Public Prosecutor ought to take the matter up!
"The cup that cheers"—that hackneyed phrase is frightfully in error,If seldom it "inebriates" (itdoes, the doctors plead),There lurks within its fatal draught a more efficient terror,'Twill shortly make a funeral your one and only need!
"The cup that cheers"—that hackneyed phrase is frightfully in error,
If seldom it "inebriates" (itdoes, the doctors plead),
There lurks within its fatal draught a more efficient terror,
'Twill shortly make a funeral your one and only need!
So since a daily cup or two the thin end of the wedge is,And since this revelation of our danger has been made,We all will wear red ribbons and will sign the strictest pledges,And speedily inaugurate an "Anti-Tea" crusade.
So since a daily cup or two the thin end of the wedge is,
And since this revelation of our danger has been made,
We all will wear red ribbons and will sign the strictest pledges,
And speedily inaugurate an "Anti-Tea" crusade.
A word to you,Amandamine. Unless your cruel kindness,Your efforts to consign me to an early grave, shall cease,And if you dare, presuming on my long-continued blindness,To offer me a cup of tea—I'll send for the police!
A word to you,Amandamine. Unless your cruel kindness,
Your efforts to consign me to an early grave, shall cease,
And if you dare, presuming on my long-continued blindness,
To offer me a cup of tea—I'll send for the police!
The Time of Day.—Good, afterNewnesto find the style "Bart." The bestowal of the baronetcy quite a Tit-Bit for the Strand. But there is no truth in the report that the event will be followed by the establishment of a new morning paper to be calledThe Dragon, and edited by SirGeorge.
The County Council has solved the great Mudford mystery by deciding in favour of Mrs.Arble March, who is in the seventh heaven at being the Seventh Councillor. A wise Legislature had it in contemplation that possibly when the great measure came to be worked, it might not be found to act, however much you pulled the string, and it was accordingly left to the County Council to set on its legs any poor little Parish Council which might have been brought into the world without its full number of members. Thus it came about that Mrs.Marchgot elected. The actual circumstances of her election gave rise to some comment. She was proposed by the Primrose League Ruling Councillor of one adjoining parish, and seconded by the Knight Harbinger of another. Our County Council is a strongly Tory body, and she was easily elected. There was a great outcry against this, as an act of political partisanship. It was. But when it became known that Mrs.Letham Havitt'sfriends and supporters were all avowed Radicals, popular indignation seemed suddenly to flicker out.
It may be, however, that the indignation only transferred itself to me, for I myself have got, in a most extraordinary and unexpected fashion, into a great hobble. It arose in this way. Having been elected on to the Parish Council at the top of the poll, and having, moreover, been subsequently the recipient of innumerable congratulations from my fellow-parishioners, I not unnaturally—so I still venture to think—desired in some way to show my appreciation of the kind treatment I had received. I accordingly determined to make to every elector a present of coals, and to carry out that intention issued the following circular:—
Ladies and Gentlemen,—For your kindness in electing me at the top of the poll, I can find no terms sufficiently warm to express myself. In commemoration of the great occasion, and as a small thankoffering for my return, I beg your acceptance of the enclosed Coal Ticket, which will entitle you to 2 cwt. of coal from any of the village coal dealers.
Your obliged and obedient servant,
Timothy Winkins.
I sent this to every elector, high or low, rich or poor. I hardly imagined that the Squire would want coal, but he was a constituent of mine, and he had his ticket. What has been the result of my generosity? This. Whilst almost every coal-ticket has been used, I am denounced right and left in unmeasured terms as an unscrupulous briber. MissPhill Burtt(who, as might be expected, has been most kind and sympathetic about the whole thing), tells me that even the Squire said it was a very ingenious way of wishing myself Many Happy Returns to the Parish Council. A poor joke, I think, but an undeniably excellent sneer.Black Bobis, as might be expected, much more plain and direct in his denunciation. He says, that if I stand for re-election—in April, 1896!—this ought to be enough to unseat me. A pleasant prospect. I can do nothing. My boats, like my coal, are burnt.
What happened at the Parish Council meeting last night I must leave—till my next.
SYMPATHY WANTED--SYMPATHY WANTED—For the Man whose Collar comes undone every time he tries to do up his Tie.
For the Man whose Collar comes undone every time he tries to do up his Tie.