ANILINE.

(After Tennyson's "Adeline.")

All around one daily seesDreadful dyes of Aniline.Worn by women fat and thin,Bonnet, bodice, back and breast.One can hardly call thee fair,With thy fierce magenta glare,With thy green, the green of peas,Violet, and all the rest.What appalling tints are thine,Showy, glowy Aniline!Whence did modern women getSuch a gorgeous array?Dear to'Arry's 'ArrietOn a 'appy 'oliday,'Owlin', out on 'Ampstead 'Eath,From the 'ill to 'im beneath.Also dear to girls who sellFlowers in the London street,They have always loved thee wellIn their frocks and feathers neat.Why revive those tints of thine,Antiquated Aniline?Thou hast almost made us blindUnder England's cloudless skies;Low-toned tints of Orient,Such as Turkish rugs adorn,Would be better for our eyes—Now upon the pavement bentSince such blazers have been worn.Say, has Paris sent to usDyes so dreadfully defined?Do the tyrantmodistesbringColours so calamitous,Mixed in ways more fearful still,In this strangely sunny spring?Oh, before thou mak'st us ill,Take away that glare of thine,Unæsthetic Aniline!

All around one daily sees

Dreadful dyes of Aniline.

Worn by women fat and thin,

Bonnet, bodice, back and breast.

One can hardly call thee fair,

With thy fierce magenta glare,

With thy green, the green of peas,

Violet, and all the rest.

What appalling tints are thine,

Showy, glowy Aniline!

Whence did modern women getSuch a gorgeous array?Dear to'Arry's 'ArrietOn a 'appy 'oliday,'Owlin', out on 'Ampstead 'Eath,From the 'ill to 'im beneath.Also dear to girls who sellFlowers in the London street,They have always loved thee wellIn their frocks and feathers neat.Why revive those tints of thine,Antiquated Aniline?

Whence did modern women get

Such a gorgeous array?

Dear to'Arry's 'Arriet

On a 'appy 'oliday,

'Owlin', out on 'Ampstead 'Eath,

From the 'ill to 'im beneath.

Also dear to girls who sell

Flowers in the London street,

They have always loved thee well

In their frocks and feathers neat.

Why revive those tints of thine,

Antiquated Aniline?

Thou hast almost made us blindUnder England's cloudless skies;Low-toned tints of Orient,Such as Turkish rugs adorn,Would be better for our eyes—Now upon the pavement bentSince such blazers have been worn.Say, has Paris sent to usDyes so dreadfully defined?Do the tyrantmodistesbringColours so calamitous,Mixed in ways more fearful still,In this strangely sunny spring?Oh, before thou mak'st us ill,Take away that glare of thine,Unæsthetic Aniline!

Thou hast almost made us blind

Under England's cloudless skies;

Low-toned tints of Orient,

Such as Turkish rugs adorn,

Would be better for our eyes—

Now upon the pavement bent

Since such blazers have been worn.

Say, has Paris sent to us

Dyes so dreadfully defined?

Do the tyrantmodistesbring

Colours so calamitous,

Mixed in ways more fearful still,

In this strangely sunny spring?

Oh, before thou mak'st us ill,

Take away that glare of thine,

Unæsthetic Aniline!

KINDLY MEANT.KINDLY MEANT.Mr. Macmonnies(an old Friend)."Well, look here, Old Man, I'll tell you what really brought me here to-day. The Fact is my Wife wants her Mother painted very badly—and I naturally thought of You!"

Mr. Macmonnies(an old Friend)."Well, look here, Old Man, I'll tell you what really brought me here to-day. The Fact is my Wife wants her Mother painted very badly—and I naturally thought of You!"

Sale of the Clifden and High Price Pictures. —"The Wife of Burgomaster Six" went for over £7000. This wife of Burgomaster Half-a-dozen was a marvellous specimen of a woman. The Burgomaster was so faithful a husband that "Six to One" has long since become a homely proverb.

A Useful Toole.—Mr. Punchwas much surprised one day last week to see on the evening newspaper placards:—

Toole in the Box.A Lucky Dog.

Toole in the Box.

A Lucky Dog.

Was "the Box" a new piece to be put on at the distant period whenWalker, London, fails to attract? No! The hero ofHomburghad only been helping in theLucky DogFight—merely a case ofVerbum Sapte et Alport, or a Word forSapteandAlport.

The Shortest Passage on Record.—Aberdeen to Canada at a pen-stroke.

Rule, Britannia! 'Twas Cliveden's fair walls which first heardThat stout patriot strain—which may now sound absurd"Yankee Doodle" indeed might more fittingly ring"In Cliveden's proud alcove," whichPopestooped to sing.O Picknickers muse; and, O oarsmen, repine!Those fair hanging woods,Bull, no longer are thine.Our high-mettled racers may pass o'er the sea—Shall sentiment challengethyclaims, L. S. D.?Our pictures may go without serious plaint—What are the best pictures but canvas and paint?Our Press? Let the alien toff take his pick.When the Dollar dictates shall mere patriots kick?Our hills and our forests? If Oil-kings appear,And want them—for cash—as preserves for their deer.Down, down with mere pride—so they're down with the dust!Mammon's word is the great categorical Must!The Dollar's Almighty, the Millionnaire's King!Sell, sellanyonewho'll bidhigh—anything.What offers for—London? Who bids for—the Thames?Cracks go, Cliveden follows. What Briton condemns?Cash rules. For the Dollar-KingBullshies his castor.Buy! Buy! That's the cry,John.Sic itur ad—Astor!

Rule, Britannia! 'Twas Cliveden's fair walls which first heard

That stout patriot strain—which may now sound absurd

"Yankee Doodle" indeed might more fittingly ring

"In Cliveden's proud alcove," whichPopestooped to sing.

O Picknickers muse; and, O oarsmen, repine!

Those fair hanging woods,Bull, no longer are thine.

Our high-mettled racers may pass o'er the sea—

Shall sentiment challengethyclaims, L. S. D.?

Our pictures may go without serious plaint—

What are the best pictures but canvas and paint?

Our Press? Let the alien toff take his pick.

When the Dollar dictates shall mere patriots kick?

Our hills and our forests? If Oil-kings appear,

And want them—for cash—as preserves for their deer.

Down, down with mere pride—so they're down with the dust!

Mammon's word is the great categorical Must!

The Dollar's Almighty, the Millionnaire's King!

Sell, sellanyonewho'll bidhigh—anything.

What offers for—London? Who bids for—the Thames?

Cracks go, Cliveden follows. What Briton condemns?

Cash rules. For the Dollar-KingBullshies his castor.

Buy! Buy! That's the cry,John.Sic itur ad—Astor!

Booked at the Lyceum Box-Office.—Four nights a weekBecketis given. Programme is varied on the other two nights. A simple gentleman said to the Clerk at the Box-Office, "I want two stalls."The Clerk."For Becket?" "No," returned the simple one; "forme."

Dear Mr. Punch,—From a communication to one of the daily papers, it appears that "a hundred ladies and gentlemen who find the works ofHendrik Ibsen(perhaps not all for exactly the same reasons, but who agree in finding them) among the most interesting productions of the modern theatre, have guaranteed the estimated expenses of a series of twelve performances, at which three ofIbsen'splays will be presented." This arrangement is carried out by "each guarantor receiving in seats at the current theatrical prices the full value of his subscription," as "the State will not subsidize a theatre, and no millionnaire seems inclined to endow one."

This is clear enough, but it has occurred to me that, as after the first few performances there may be a goodly number of untenanted seats, it would be as well to provide auxiliary aid to fill them. It would scarcely be fair to call upon the guarantors to pay the audience to be present at the "entertainments" provided for their amusement. And yet, unless the houses are good, the actors will not do themselves justice, and the plays ofHendrik Ibsenwill suffer in consequence. I fear that it would be revolting to humanity to insist upon the attendance of the less intelligent inmates of the Asylum for Idiots, and yet here would be an appropriate path out of the difficulty. Under the circumstances, could not the State (with the aid of a short Act of Parliament) still render assistance? I see no reason why thieves and other dishonest characters should not have a portion of their sentences remitted on condition that they attended the IBSEN performances. Such an arrangement would save the rate-payers the expense of the prisoners' keep. The audience I have suggested would also be free from temptation, for when they were assisting at a representation of one ofIbsen'splays, I venture to believe they would find nothing worth stealing.

A Practical Man.

WASTED IRONY.WASTED IRONY."Who's that Down-stairs, Jane?"—"Some Friends of mine, Ma'am.""But you had some Friends yesterday, Jane!"—"Yes, Ma'am.""And on Monday Night!"—"Yes, Ma'am.""Don't you think you had better have a regular Day at Home each Week?"—"Thank you, Ma'am! That will be very Nice!"

"Who's that Down-stairs, Jane?"—"Some Friends of mine, Ma'am."

"But you had some Friends yesterday, Jane!"—"Yes, Ma'am."

"And on Monday Night!"—"Yes, Ma'am."

"Don't you think you had better have a regular Day at Home each Week?"—"Thank you, Ma'am! That will be very Nice!"

House of Commons, May 8.—"What a day we are having, to be sure!" saidChamberlain, rubbing his hands and smiling delightedly. Things certainly pretty lively to begin with; just got into Committee on Home-Rule Bill;Charlie(myDarling) was to have opened Debate with Amendment on first line of First Clause; but, as he subsequently explained to sympathetic Committee, he was weighed down with feeling of diffidence. House, touched with this unusual weakness on part of Member for Deptford, readily accepted volunteered service ofChamberlain, who undertook to say a few words on another Amendment whilstDarlingwas recovering.

No diffidence aboutJoseph. As he observed in stormiest epoch of sitting, he was as cool as a cucumber. "A cucumber with full allowance of vinegar and pepper,"SquireofMalwoodadded, in one of those asides with which he varies the silence of Treasury Bench. Well there was someone at that temperature. Committee, take it all together, in volcanic mood. Peculiarity of situation, asSaundersonput it, with some mixing of metaphor, was that "it was the cucumber that kept the pot a-boiling." Whenever any sign of placidity was visible,Josephsure to appear on scene, rub someone's hair the wrong way, or stir up some slumbering lion with long pole.

"Ever stop to watch the Punch show in the streets,Toby?" saidPlunket. "No, I suppose not; rather personal; recall days before you went into politics. Confess I always do; been chuckling just now over idea that here we have the whole thing played out. There'sMr. Punchin person of Mr. G. Up comes a head,Grandolph's, or someone else's; down comes the baton in the form of the Closure. Everyone supposes that Law and Order are established and things will go smoothly, when suddenly up springsJoey, cool as a cucumber, and upsets everything again. There's nothing new under the sun, not even proceedings in obstruction of Home-Rule Bill."

After dinnerSolicitor-Generaldiscovered seated on Treasury Bench. A great thirst for speech from him suddenly afflicted Opposition. Mr. G. spoke, andJohn Morleymoved the Closure, but nothing would satisfy them save speech fromRigby. Pauses in conversation were filled by cries upon his name. He sat unresponsive, looking wiser than ever, but still unspeakably wise.

Darling'sAmendment got rid of with assistance of Closure.Grandolphrushed in; hotly moved to report progress. Only ten o'clock; two hours more before Debate adjourned. This merrily filled up with divisions, shouting, and scenes.Grandolph'smotion to Report Progress being negatived on division.Prince Arthurmoved that Chairman leave the Chair, division on which just tided Committee over twelve o'clock, without chance of doing more work.

"I feel twelve years younger," saidGrandolph, coming in from last division. "Reminds me of first Session of 1880 Parliament, when we sat below Gangway there, and bandied about these alternative resolutuions, me moving to Report Progress; then, when we came back again,Wolffy, Gorst, or sometimes, to give the boy a turn,Prince Arthurmoved that Chairman leave the Chair. That was long before he came into his princedom. House of Commons pretty dull these six years back. After all, it's the same old place, and, if we give our mind to it, we can have the same old game."

Business done.—Got into Committee on Home Rule Bill.

Thursday.—Noisiest evening we have enjoyed since Parliament elected. Peculiarity of situation was that everybody, not excluding Chairman of Committees, strenuously anxious to preserve order. Quiet enough tillChamberlainappeared on scene, then followed the ordinary cool-cucumbery results.Tim Healytorn with anxiety thatJosephshould limit himself strictly to Motion before Committee. Sort of triangular duel;Josephat corner Bench below Gangway to right of Chair;Timin corresponding position opposite;Mellorin (and out of) Chair; all three on their feet simultaneously; Committee assisting in general desire for peace and order by tumultuous shouting.Timfired furiously atJoseph;Josephanswered shot for shot; Chairman pegged away alternately at both.

HOME RULE ENTERTAINMENT St Stephens"Joey up again!" Scene from the Parliamentary Show.

ThenGrandolph, finding temptation irresistible, romped in. "I move," he said, "that the words be taken down." Very well; quite so; but what words? The Chamber was full of words, surging like the waters at Lodore. Which particular ones wouldGrandolphlike taken down? Turned out that his desire centred upon almost the only words that had not been uttered. "I distinctly heard the Member for Louth say, 'You are knocked up.'" SoGrandolphsolemnly declared, standing at table.

Mr. J. G. L-ws-n ...Mr. J. G. L-ws-n, having found in a dictionary the Irish word for "a House of Commons," obliges:—In Irish, I will sing it clear,There's a name for the House which you shall hear.(Spoken) Which is(Sings) "Riaz-na-Nuaral"-tooral-looralRi-az tolooral ri do![Chorus everybody.

Mr. J. G. L-ws-n, having found in a dictionary the Irish word for "a House of Commons," obliges:—

In Irish, I will sing it clear,There's a name for the House which you shall hear.(Spoken) Which is(Sings) "Riaz-na-Nuaral"-tooral-looralRi-az tolooral ri do![Chorus everybody.

In Irish, I will sing it clear,There's a name for the House which you shall hear.(Spoken) Which is(Sings) "Riaz-na-Nuaral"-tooral-looralRi-az tolooral ri do!

In Irish, I will sing it clear,

There's a name for the House which you shall hear.

(Spoken) Which is

(Sings) "Riaz-na-Nuaral"-tooral-looral

Ri-az tolooral ri do!

[Chorus everybody.

Whilst Irish Members popped up like parched peas on Benches below Gangway,Chamberlaintookopportunity of looking over his notes, and Chairman, standing at table, forlornly wrung his hands,Tim Healysat a model of Injured Innocence. As it turned out he, by rare chance, had not spoken at all. This made clear upon testimony ofMacartneyandJohnstonof Ballykilbeg. WhatTimfelt most acutely was, not being thus groundlessly charged with disorderly speech, but thatGrandolph, for whom he has a warm respect, should imagine that if hehadan observation to offer in the circumstances, it would be one so frivolously harmless as that cited. To observe to somebody "You are knocked up," might, with tone of commiseration thrown in, be a friendly, almost an affectionate, remark. Why the words, if uttered at all, should be taken down, no one could even guess.Timsat in deep dejection, overborne by this unexpected and undeserved contumely. Parched-pea business on Benches round him became contagious;Mellorup and down in the Chair with corresponding motion;Swift MacNeillshouting something at top of his voice; Ross rising to explain;Johnstonof Ballykilbeg actually explaining;Macartneysaying something;Tommy Bowles, not to be out of it, moving that somebody else's words be taken down. At length, in comparative lull in storm, Chairman adroitly signalled toChamberlain, who continued his speech. Members, generally, gratefully availed themselves of his interposition to take their breath.

"Do you know,Toby, what this reminds me of?" said EarlSpencer, looking down on turbulent scene from Peers' Gallery. "Carries me back to boyhood's days, and what used to happen when, in temporary absence of head-master, French usher took charge of the school."

J. G. Lawson, on spending time in Library, looking up native name for proposed Legislative Assembly in Dublin. Found what it used to be called whenBrianwas King; written name down, tries to pronounce it.Tim Healysays, as far as he can make out,Lawsonis speaking Welsh; it is suggested that Chairman shall put Question.Mellorsays he's quite enough to do to put Amendments in English; declines to attempt the Irish.Lawsonwithdraws, using awful language, which he insists is Irish. It sounds even worse.

Business done.—Blusterous.

OPENING OF THE IMPERIAL INSTITUTE.OPENING OF THE IMPERIAL INSTITUTE.(Rough Sketch by Our Artist without elbow-room.)

(Rough Sketch by Our Artist without elbow-room.)

Saturday Morning.—Another afternoon in Committee on Home-Rule Bill. Not so lively as yesterday, but equal amount of business not done, which, after all is the thing. House fairly full; gunpowder lying about in all directions, as shown by occasional flash; and one regular explosion. Went off to Library; sat in quiet corner withPrince Arthur'slast book in hand. Fancy I must have fallen asleep; found tall figure sitting next to me; drowsily recognisedRaikes. Couldn't beRaikes, you know; long ago gone to another place. Yet figure unmistakeable, and voice well remembered. Seem to have been asking him question.

"What do I think about new Chairman?" he was saying. "Well, of course, that is a delicate question to put to me; was Chairman myself for many sessions; know every thorn in the cushion of the seat. It is, I should say, the most difficult post in House; far more so thanSpeaker's.Speakeris robed about with authority that does not pertain to Chairman. Observations which, addressed toSpeaker, would be flat blasphemy, are, when flung at Chairman of Ways and Means, merely choleric words. Apart from that, position is, through long stretches of sitting, more arduous. When full-dress debate going on,Speakerof judgment and experience can go easy; may even, upon occasion, strategically doze. One did in times not so long ago, and was caughtflagrante asleepoh.Mackworth Praedwas Member of the House then; made little speech in verse on incident. You remember it?

Sleep, Mr.Speaker; it's surely fair,If you don't in your bed, that you should in your Chair;Longer and longer still they grow,Tory and Radical, Aye and NoTalking by night, and talking by day.Sleep, Mr.Speaker; sleep, sleep, while you may.

Sleep, Mr.Speaker; it's surely fair,

If you don't in your bed, that you should in your Chair;

Longer and longer still they grow,

Tory and Radical, Aye and No

Talking by night, and talking by day.

Sleep, Mr.Speaker; sleep, sleep, while you may.

Blind Man's Buff with the Chairman; or, 'The Mellor and His Men.'Blind Man's Buff with the Chairman; or, "The Mellor and His Men."

"Chairman must be on alert every moment in Committee. Rule under his jurisdiction is conversation as opposed to speech-making whenSpeakerin Chair. Any moment out of depths ofdulnessmay suddenly rise a whirlwind, which he is expected forthwith to ride. Especially in connection with Bill like this now before Committee, Chairman is in state of tension from time he takes Chair till he leaves. Don't forget all this when you criticiseMellor, still new to place. He's a good fellow, and a shrewd one; but has, among other difficulties, to fight against proneness to good-nature. Good-nature out of place in the Chair.Courtneyknew that, and successfully overcame his natural tendencies.Mellortoo anxious to oblige. Must get over that. Above all, should never explain. Suddenly called upon for decision on knotty point, must needs make mistake sometimes. If he does, unless it be very serious,he should stick to it. For Chairman of Committees, better to be in the wrong and uphold authority of Chair, than to wriggle into the right at its expense.Mellorshould be more monosyllabic in his style, more ruthless in his dealing with disorderly interruption, more wary about putting his foot down, but, being planted, it should be immovable. It would make his fortune if he could only nameChamberlain. That would be difficult, I know, forJoey C.is sly, dev'lish sly. He should begin withJemmy Lowther, who gives plenty of chances. Thence he might work upwards. Is that a bell ringing? Yes. Must be off, or I'll get shut out. We've lately adopted the Early Closing Movement."

Certainly bell was ringing; it was for Division on Clause I. Still fact seems to run on all fours with what I rememberRaikestalking of just now. Yet, again, when one comes to think of it, can a bell run on all fours? Everything very strange. Shall go and vote.

Business done.—Clause I. agreed to.

Sincere congratulations forOur conscience-keeping Chancellor.Whom lawyers know asHerschell, C.Is now LordHerschell, G.C.B.

Sincere congratulations for

Our conscience-keeping Chancellor.

Whom lawyers know asHerschell, C.

Is now LordHerschell, G.C.B.

An Addition to the Calendar.—SirSomers Vine, in recognition of his services in connection with the Imperial Institute, has been appointed a Companion of St. Michael and St. George. And why not? He will be found excellent company.

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