Come into the garden,Maud,Why has not the grass been mown?Come into the garden,Maud,Those seeds have never been sown;I fear you've been taking your walks abroad—You blush like a rose full-blown.When the early snail first moves,Before the sun is on high,Beginning to gnaw the leaves he lovesOn the beds, you should always tryTo pick him off with your garden gloves,And stamp on him—he must die.You can't touch snails? Let that pass,I will smash each one in his shell;But when it rains you can roll the grass,When dry can water it well.You say you can't wet your boots—alas!—Nor work when it's warm,ma belle?And yet your wages you claim;I should like to know what you do.In truth I can't bear to blameSuch a sweet pretty girl as you;So stop as my gardener all the same—I'll be master and workman too.Queen rose of the rosebud garden of girls,Rough work should never be doneBy delicate hands as white as pearls,You only began for fun;So sit, with your parasol over your curls,Whilst I dig like mad in the sun.
Come into the garden,Maud,Why has not the grass been mown?Come into the garden,Maud,Those seeds have never been sown;I fear you've been taking your walks abroad—You blush like a rose full-blown.
Come into the garden,Maud,
Why has not the grass been mown?
Come into the garden,Maud,
Those seeds have never been sown;
I fear you've been taking your walks abroad—
You blush like a rose full-blown.
When the early snail first moves,Before the sun is on high,Beginning to gnaw the leaves he lovesOn the beds, you should always tryTo pick him off with your garden gloves,And stamp on him—he must die.
When the early snail first moves,
Before the sun is on high,
Beginning to gnaw the leaves he loves
On the beds, you should always try
To pick him off with your garden gloves,
And stamp on him—he must die.
You can't touch snails? Let that pass,I will smash each one in his shell;But when it rains you can roll the grass,When dry can water it well.You say you can't wet your boots—alas!—Nor work when it's warm,ma belle?
You can't touch snails? Let that pass,
I will smash each one in his shell;
But when it rains you can roll the grass,
When dry can water it well.
You say you can't wet your boots—alas!—
Nor work when it's warm,ma belle?
And yet your wages you claim;I should like to know what you do.In truth I can't bear to blameSuch a sweet pretty girl as you;So stop as my gardener all the same—I'll be master and workman too.
And yet your wages you claim;
I should like to know what you do.
In truth I can't bear to blame
Such a sweet pretty girl as you;
So stop as my gardener all the same—
I'll be master and workman too.
Queen rose of the rosebud garden of girls,Rough work should never be doneBy delicate hands as white as pearls,You only began for fun;So sit, with your parasol over your curls,Whilst I dig like mad in the sun.
Queen rose of the rosebud garden of girls,
Rough work should never be done
By delicate hands as white as pearls,
You only began for fun;
So sit, with your parasol over your curls,
Whilst I dig like mad in the sun.
IMPROVED COSTUME FOR THE METROPOLITAN POLICE ...IMPROVED COSTUME FOR THE METROPOLITAN POLICE DURING THE GREAT HEAT OF 1893.
IMPROVED COSTUME FOR THE METROPOLITAN POLICE DURING THE GREAT HEAT OF 1893.
A Political Enigma.
He's hopeless of heaven, he's too bad for ——,(So say Unionist bards, and they ought to know well,)He isJudas-cum-Cainwith asoupçonofOates,An imperious despot, who grovels for votes;A mean truckling tyrant, an autocrat slave;A Knave who plays King, and a King who plays Knave.A haughty Commander, the tool of his troops,A swayer of "items," nose-led by his dupes;A Dog-despot, wagged by the tip of his tail,A Conspirator potent, whose plot's bound to fail;The land's greatest danger, because such a dolt;As ruler a scourge, because breeding revolt;As political guide ever banefully strong,Because the majority sees he is wrong.A prolixPoloniuswho proves his senilityBy taking the shine out of youth and ability:A veteran lagging superfluous, whose agePuts him "out of it" so, that he fills the whole stage:So old that his age gives him every claim,Save to decent respect, which, of course, is a shame,And absurd "fetish-worship." As Lucifer proudAnd imperious, yet supple of knee to the crowd;ACoriolanuswho plays theJack Cade;A coward of nothing and no one afraid;A blundering batsman whom none can bowl out;A craven who staggers opponents most stout;A traitor who gives his whole life to the State,Whose zeal proves his spite, and his service his hate.A truckler to treason and trickster for place,Whose stubbornness oft throws him out of the race;A lover of power and public applause,Who dares to oppose the most popular cause.A talkative sophist who willnotexplain;A bad-tempered man, ever bland and urbane:A casuist no one can half understand,But whose sinister purpose is plain as your hand;A vituperative and venomous foe,Whose speeches with calm magnanimity glow.In short, an old dolt, who inflicts dire defeatOn the smartest young foes he can manage to meet;A powerless provoker of dreadful disasters,A master of slaves whose mere slaves are his masters;A voluble sphinx, and a simple chimæraThe Age's conundrum, thecruxof his æra!Mem.:If you can't give a guess at the theme of these rhymes,Why, peruse all the papers, and move with the times!
He's hopeless of heaven, he's too bad for ——,(So say Unionist bards, and they ought to know well,)He isJudas-cum-Cainwith asoupçonofOates,An imperious despot, who grovels for votes;A mean truckling tyrant, an autocrat slave;A Knave who plays King, and a King who plays Knave.A haughty Commander, the tool of his troops,A swayer of "items," nose-led by his dupes;A Dog-despot, wagged by the tip of his tail,A Conspirator potent, whose plot's bound to fail;The land's greatest danger, because such a dolt;As ruler a scourge, because breeding revolt;As political guide ever banefully strong,Because the majority sees he is wrong.A prolixPoloniuswho proves his senilityBy taking the shine out of youth and ability:A veteran lagging superfluous, whose agePuts him "out of it" so, that he fills the whole stage:So old that his age gives him every claim,Save to decent respect, which, of course, is a shame,And absurd "fetish-worship." As Lucifer proudAnd imperious, yet supple of knee to the crowd;ACoriolanuswho plays theJack Cade;A coward of nothing and no one afraid;A blundering batsman whom none can bowl out;A craven who staggers opponents most stout;A traitor who gives his whole life to the State,Whose zeal proves his spite, and his service his hate.A truckler to treason and trickster for place,Whose stubbornness oft throws him out of the race;A lover of power and public applause,Who dares to oppose the most popular cause.A talkative sophist who willnotexplain;A bad-tempered man, ever bland and urbane:A casuist no one can half understand,But whose sinister purpose is plain as your hand;A vituperative and venomous foe,Whose speeches with calm magnanimity glow.In short, an old dolt, who inflicts dire defeatOn the smartest young foes he can manage to meet;A powerless provoker of dreadful disasters,A master of slaves whose mere slaves are his masters;A voluble sphinx, and a simple chimæraThe Age's conundrum, thecruxof his æra!
He's hopeless of heaven, he's too bad for ——,
(So say Unionist bards, and they ought to know well,)
He isJudas-cum-Cainwith asoupçonofOates,
An imperious despot, who grovels for votes;
A mean truckling tyrant, an autocrat slave;
A Knave who plays King, and a King who plays Knave.
A haughty Commander, the tool of his troops,
A swayer of "items," nose-led by his dupes;
A Dog-despot, wagged by the tip of his tail,
A Conspirator potent, whose plot's bound to fail;
The land's greatest danger, because such a dolt;
As ruler a scourge, because breeding revolt;
As political guide ever banefully strong,
Because the majority sees he is wrong.
A prolixPoloniuswho proves his senility
By taking the shine out of youth and ability:
A veteran lagging superfluous, whose age
Puts him "out of it" so, that he fills the whole stage:
So old that his age gives him every claim,
Save to decent respect, which, of course, is a shame,
And absurd "fetish-worship." As Lucifer proud
And imperious, yet supple of knee to the crowd;
ACoriolanuswho plays theJack Cade;
A coward of nothing and no one afraid;
A blundering batsman whom none can bowl out;
A craven who staggers opponents most stout;
A traitor who gives his whole life to the State,
Whose zeal proves his spite, and his service his hate.
A truckler to treason and trickster for place,
Whose stubbornness oft throws him out of the race;
A lover of power and public applause,
Who dares to oppose the most popular cause.
A talkative sophist who willnotexplain;
A bad-tempered man, ever bland and urbane:
A casuist no one can half understand,
But whose sinister purpose is plain as your hand;
A vituperative and venomous foe,
Whose speeches with calm magnanimity glow.
In short, an old dolt, who inflicts dire defeat
On the smartest young foes he can manage to meet;
A powerless provoker of dreadful disasters,
A master of slaves whose mere slaves are his masters;
A voluble sphinx, and a simple chimæra
The Age's conundrum, thecruxof his æra!
Mem.:
Mem.:
If you can't give a guess at the theme of these rhymes,Why, peruse all the papers, and move with the times!
If you can't give a guess at the theme of these rhymes,
Why, peruse all the papers, and move with the times!
Dear Mr. Punch,—I see that, with a view to economy, the Victorian Legislature have cut down the salary of their future Governors to a reasonable sum. Every one will applaud an act inspired by so worthy a motive. Still, as the officials who have been thus deprived of some of their emoluments have a certain state to keep up, I think it would be only fair were that state also to undergo revision. With a view to assisting in so desirable a programme, I jot down a few suggestions.
Uniform.—Future Governors not to be required to wear gold lace. Yellow braid to be sparingly used in decorating their frock-coats. Dirks to be substituted for swords. Cocked-hats no longer to be trimmed with feathers.
Official Entertainments.—Governors no longer to be required to ask Colonials to dinner. Luncheons with chops and steaks and boiled potatoes to be substituted for extensivemenus. Balls to be given only occasionally, and guests to be served with the lightest of light refreshments (sandwiches and lemonade); and if dancing be required, dancers to supply their own orchestras.
Attending State Functions.—Governors no longer to be expected to appear in carriage and pair. Their Excellencies to be entitled to use tram-cars, omnibuses, and bicycles. When laying a foundation-stone, the Governors to be permitted to wear double-soled boots, and carry umbrellas.
Miscellaneous.—To avoid expense, salutes will be dispensed with as much as possible. When guns are fired, tubes to be used without cartridges. Flags not to be flown in wet weather, and Chairs of State always to be covered with brown holland. Gaslights to be sparingly lighted, and wax-candles abolished.
There, my dear Sir, this should be a relief both to the goose and the gander. It is quite right to economise, but it is a little strange to find that we get our first hint in this direction from the Antipodes.
Yours truly,
Gay without Pay.
A SLIGHT CONFUSION OF IDEAS.A SLIGHT CONFUSION OF IDEAS.Local Hatter."I 'ope you'll excuse my calling, Sir George; but I 'eard as her Ladyship was going to give a Play in the Grounds—aPastoralPlay, they told me—so I made so bold as jest to come round and say as I'd got a large assortment ofClerical 'Ats, and that I should be most 'appy to put 'em at her Ladyship's disposal!"
Local Hatter."I 'ope you'll excuse my calling, Sir George; but I 'eard as her Ladyship was going to give a Play in the Grounds—aPastoralPlay, they told me—so I made so bold as jest to come round and say as I'd got a large assortment ofClerical 'Ats, and that I should be most 'appy to put 'em at her Ladyship's disposal!"
(Possibilities for the next O. Wilde Play.)
Puppet Number One.Let's come into the garden,Maudle. I adore the garden. Don't you know that the book of at least one good play begins with some epigrams in the garden, and ends with——
Puppet Number Two.Recitations—strictly puritanical. Well, let's go into the garden: there's nothing but Nature to look at there, so we will discuss——
Puppet Number One.The picture shows. It seems to me there are two principles in modern art. The first is—give a picture a good name, and they'll hang it.
Puppet Number Two.What's—ahem!—whatisin a name?
Puppet Number One.Usually a good deal more than is in the picture.
Puppet Number Two.And the second principle?
Puppet Number One.Art is short, and the life (of the average Academician) is long.
Puppet Number Two.Ah, well. I suppose I shall have to ask you sooner or later to define Art.
Puppet Number One.Certainly. Art is that which invariably goes one better than Nature.
Puppet Number Two (with a sigh).And what is Nature?
Puppet Number One.Nature is that which is not so natural as it is painted.
Puppet Number Two (with a groan).What about truth in Art then?
Puppet Number One.Ah! Truth is that one infirmity of a noble mind.
Puppet Number Two.Truth is nothing if not respectable.
Puppet Number One.Remember, respectability is an affectation, of cynics, dramatic authors—and other people of no importance generally.[Exeunt severally. Curtain.
Mrs. R. observes, "it is only too true that Summer pleasures, as the poet says, are nearly always effervescent."
House of Commons, Monday, August 14.—Quite shocked to seeAsherto-day. Strong constitution and a happy disposition united to make him a picture of buoyant health. Observing him walk up floor of House just now, hardly knew him. Shoulders bowed; arms hanging limp; cheeks sallow; an unspeakable sorrow in his dimmed eyes.
"What's the matter, Mr.Solicitor?" I asked, instinctively falling into the whispering tone proper in sick rooms. "Is it the state of Scotch business that weighs upon your mind? or is it true, as whispered, that necessity has been discovered for bringing in Bill amending the Borough Police and Health Act, 1892, with its 435 clauses?"
"No," saidAsher; "I'm thinking of neither. My thoughts tend in quite another direction. My heart is at Deeside, my heart is not here. I have a moor there; you understand me—not a person of dark complexion, who, after much conversation, disposes of his wife with the assistance of a pillow. But a stretch of moorland, gorse-scented, grouse-haunted. I awoke early on Saturday morning hearing the popping of the guns in far-off Aboyne. Mere fancy, of course. You rememberCharles Lamb'sstory about supping with some Scotchmen, and incidentally observing he only wished, to make the joy complete, thatBurnswere there? One by one the Scotchmen got up and explained to him thatBurnshad been dead for ever so many years, and that it was practically impossible, in view of the circumstances, that he could have been present; even, one of them added, supposing they knewBurns, and it had occurred to them to invite him. So you will say that Deeside, being hundreds of miles away, I could not hear the birds on the wing, or the pottering of the guns. In a sense, that is true; but I heard them all the same; worse still, heard them when I was in church yesterday, and should have been hearing something else. I wouldn't mind missing a day, a week, or, in the service of myQueenand country, a fortnight. What I see, and what gars me greet, is the endless vista of nights and days we shall spend here. If we get any shooting at all we shall begin with the pheasants.
"O myBartley, shallow-pated! O myTommy, such a bore!O, my dear belovèd moorland, shall I see thee evermore?"
"O myBartley, shallow-pated! O myTommy, such a bore!O, my dear belovèd moorland, shall I see thee evermore?"
"O myBartley, shallow-pated! O myTommy, such a bore!
O, my dear belovèd moorland, shall I see thee evermore?"
Asher'scase representative of many; only his despair is the more eloquent.
Business done.—Marking time in Home-Rule debate.
FATHER THAMES PURIFIED AND GLORIFIED, AS PROMISED BY L. C. C.FATHER THAMES PURIFIED AND GLORIFIED, AS PROMISED BY L. C. C.
Admiral Field as the honest British Sailor.Admiral Field as the honest British Sailor.
Admiral Field as the honest British Sailor.
Tuesday.—Just before eight bells, when all hands were piped below, AdmiralFieldturned up in favourite character as the honest British sailor. Rather modelled on transpontine style; a little unnecessarily noisy; too humorously aggressive; hopelessly obvious. But in present circumstances House grateful for anything; gleefully laughed whilst the Admiral shivered his timbers, talked about losing his soundings in a fog, declared against all shams, referred to himself as "honest and modest sailor who believed in straightforward action, and refused to have his eyes blinded by abstract proposals."
That last phrase didn't sound seafaring, but, as another honest sailor was accustomed to say, its bearings lay in the application of it. Motion before House was to eliminate Second Chamber from Home-Rule scheme; brought forward by Radicals; situation difficult for Opposition. If they voted against the Government they would be declaring against principle of House of Lords. If they voted with them they would be approving a proposition of the hated Bill.Josephjudiciously got out of difficulty by declining to vote at all.Prince Arthurelaborately explained that in going into Lobby with the Radicals he was voting against a concrete proposal and in favour of an abstract principle. This too subtle forCourtney, who announced his intention of voting with Government who happened to agree with him in approving principle of Second Chamber. It was amid these cross blades that the Admiral, hitching up his trousers, danced a hornpipe.Tomlinsonattempting to bring House back to more serious views, Members with one accord rushed into Lobby, and Government came out with majority of 83.
Business done.—Seventh night in Report Stage Home-Rule Bill.
Thursday.—"Whew!" said the Member forSark. "I don't know what will become of us if things go on much longer like this. With aPremierover eighty, and the thermometer over 90, the situation is at least unusual. EvenJosephnot able to maintain his favourite attitude, grafted on the iced cucumber. Just now Mr. G. made a passing remark, quite mild compared withJoey'sown sly hits. J. C. up on instant, with boding brow and angry plaint that Mr. G. had attempted to slay him with a sneer."
"Yes," saidPlunket, "timesarehot. I don't know what we should do withoutTommy Bowles. The spectacle of his white ducks is to me as the shadow of a great rock in a weary land. They talk about an army of men in the basement working machinery that keeps the temperature ten degrees below what it is marked on the Terrace. Also there is, it seems, a ton and a half of ice melting in ventilating chambers at the taxpayers' expense for our comfort. But I don't think ice is in it withTommy'sducks. Even if they were stationary it would be something. But observe how, coming and going,Tommy'sbrain an argosy of great thoughts, the ducks seem to skim over our prosaic floor, calling up even to the unimaginative mind a vision of deep, tree-shaded, quietly-rippling Broad, over which the wild duck swiftly moves, waving white wings."
OnlyPlunket, I fancy, could evolve poesy out of to-night's scene; hot above precedent, dull beyond endurance.
"Plunket'sduck picture cool and refreshing. But," saidEdward of Armagh, drawing on his military experiences, "what we're doing just now may be much more accurately described as the goose step."
Quite so. We sit all afternoon and far into the night, always talking, sometimes dividing; every appearance of motion, no advance; feet lifted with due sign of walking, but when midnight strikes and parade dismissed we are found posted exactly at the same spot as that on which we took our stand at half-past three in the afternoon.
If Mr. G. means business the sooner he gets about it the better.
Swift MacNeill refuses to be named.Swift MacNeill refuses to be named.
Swift MacNeill refuses to be named.
Business done.—None.
Friday.—Mr. G. does mean business. Commences on Monday, when Motion will be made to close Report Stage of Home-Rule Bill. Mere reference to it set House bubbling with excitement. Mr. G.'s proposed Resolution not yet drafted. "You know how it is," he said, smiling blandly atPrince Arthur; "you've had a good deal of experience in drawing Resolutions of this nature." But if Ministers not ready with their Resolution,Josephprepared with Amendment. Read it out amid lively interruption.
Conversation later conducted with much vigour across the Gangway, where, a fortnight ago,Gunterreceived an Irish Member (not iced) full in pit of stomach. Once the BlamelessBartleysignalled out Member for South Donegal, mentioning him by name as responsible for particular exclamations. "Don't presume to mention my name," saidMacNeill, leaning across gangway.
"Look here,Bartley," saidTommy Bowles, "if you're going on that tack, you must come and sit at this side. When I sawMacNeillopen his mouth to speak, I confess I thought I was going to be swallowed whole. You sit here; there's more of you."
Business done.—Notice given that business is about to commence.
Sundry damaged or missing punctuation has been repaired.