Thatpair of gloves you wore when first we metWere what you called, I think, a "pair of loves."You won them from your cousin on a bet—That pair of gloves.Now as to colour, this or that shade provesA shade expensive, runs you into debt.Tan's universal, while a tint of dove'sParticularly nice for evening. YetBlack with white stitching most my fancy moves,And such were yours. I never can forgetThat pair of gloves.
Thatpair of gloves you wore when first we metWere what you called, I think, a "pair of loves."You won them from your cousin on a bet—That pair of gloves.
Thatpair of gloves you wore when first we met
Were what you called, I think, a "pair of loves."
You won them from your cousin on a bet—
That pair of gloves.
Now as to colour, this or that shade provesA shade expensive, runs you into debt.Tan's universal, while a tint of dove'sParticularly nice for evening. YetBlack with white stitching most my fancy moves,And such were yours. I never can forgetThat pair of gloves.
Now as to colour, this or that shade proves
A shade expensive, runs you into debt.
Tan's universal, while a tint of dove's
Particularly nice for evening. Yet
Black with white stitching most my fancy moves,
And such were yours. I never can forget
That pair of gloves.
TOO COSTLY.TOO COSTLY.The Vicar."Dear, dear, Mrs. Prickles, I regret to hear that Mrs. Brown has treated you so shamefully. I should counsel you to heap Coals of Fire on her head——"Mrs. P."Ah, Sir—that's wot Iwoulddo, as soon as look at 'er: but I can't afford it at One-an'-ninepence a 'Underdweight!"
The Vicar."Dear, dear, Mrs. Prickles, I regret to hear that Mrs. Brown has treated you so shamefully. I should counsel you to heap Coals of Fire on her head——"
Mrs. P."Ah, Sir—that's wot Iwoulddo, as soon as look at 'er: but I can't afford it at One-an'-ninepence a 'Underdweight!"
Sir Henry Lochmay hold the keyIn Africa, but all must seeThatRhodesthe handle hath fast grip on,Shouts "Let her rip!"—despite LordRipon.Cut is poorLobengula'scomb,'Tis said that all roads lead to Rome.The new Ring that old saw explodes;Where'er we roam we're led to—Rhodes.Whether or no this Great Panjandrum(Who handles well the pen, sword,anddrum)Is the true friend of Civilisation,And puts her laws in operation;At least he can maintain with pride,He has her Maxims on his side.
Sir Henry Lochmay hold the keyIn Africa, but all must seeThatRhodesthe handle hath fast grip on,Shouts "Let her rip!"—despite LordRipon.Cut is poorLobengula'scomb,'Tis said that all roads lead to Rome.The new Ring that old saw explodes;Where'er we roam we're led to—Rhodes.Whether or no this Great Panjandrum(Who handles well the pen, sword,anddrum)Is the true friend of Civilisation,And puts her laws in operation;At least he can maintain with pride,He has her Maxims on his side.
Sir Henry Lochmay hold the key
In Africa, but all must see
ThatRhodesthe handle hath fast grip on,
Shouts "Let her rip!"—despite LordRipon.
Cut is poorLobengula'scomb,
'Tis said that all roads lead to Rome.
The new Ring that old saw explodes;
Where'er we roam we're led to—Rhodes.
Whether or no this Great Panjandrum
(Who handles well the pen, sword,anddrum)
Is the true friend of Civilisation,
And puts her laws in operation;
At least he can maintain with pride,
He has her Maxims on his side.
[The Fabian Society, in theFortnightly Review, has "launched a manifesto, which proposes that the Government shall be attacked by extreme Radicals because it has only met them half way."]
[The Fabian Society, in theFortnightly Review, has "launched a manifesto, which proposes that the Government shall be attacked by extreme Radicals because it has only met them half way."]
Strangethat a "Fabian policy," up-to-date,Should be so obviouslynotto wait!Sure the Society's name is chosen ill!Rupertthe title-rôle might fitlier fill.The Fabian Manifesto frightens no man;But just conceive the great, but cautious, RomanHeading a restive, Radical "Ugly Rush"!Though Patience suffers in the Modern Crush,Perchance the Socialistic peroratorMight learn a lesson from the great Cunctator!
Strangethat a "Fabian policy," up-to-date,Should be so obviouslynotto wait!Sure the Society's name is chosen ill!Rupertthe title-rôle might fitlier fill.The Fabian Manifesto frightens no man;But just conceive the great, but cautious, RomanHeading a restive, Radical "Ugly Rush"!Though Patience suffers in the Modern Crush,Perchance the Socialistic peroratorMight learn a lesson from the great Cunctator!
Strangethat a "Fabian policy," up-to-date,
Should be so obviouslynotto wait!
Sure the Society's name is chosen ill!
Rupertthe title-rôle might fitlier fill.
The Fabian Manifesto frightens no man;
But just conceive the great, but cautious, Roman
Heading a restive, Radical "Ugly Rush"!
Though Patience suffers in the Modern Crush,
Perchance the Socialistic perorator
Might learn a lesson from the great Cunctator!
Yes,Scroogewas an altered man! He was genial and amiable, and altogether an estimable being.Scrooge'snephew was delighted with the change. He could scarcely believe his ears and eyes.
"And don't you really interfere with the theatres, Sir?" askedScrooge'snephew. "At one time you were always telling them to take down this, and put up that, and making the lives of the managers burdens to them. Don't you interfere any longer?"
"Of course not, my lad," repliedScrooge, heartily. "Why should I? This is the pleasantest world imaginable, and it would be less charming without its playhouses."
"Right you are, Sir," returnedScrooge'snephew; "but I suppose you look in occasionally at the halls to supervise the entertainments?"
"I look in to enjoy them, my boy!" criedScrooge, with a ringing laugh, that could be heard for furlongs. "What do they want withmysupervision?"
"I am sure I don't know, uncle; but I thought it was a way you had. And then you are going to strip the hoardings of the posters, aren't you?"
"I strip the hoardings of the posters! Why should I? The hoardings look a precious sight better covered with pictures than left to dirt and decay. I interfere with the hoardings! I never heard of such a thing! What putthatinto your head?"
"Well, it used to be an old way of yours," returnedScrooge'snephew. "Why, uncle, don't you remember? You used to be interfering with and ordering about everything. Taking up the road and closing the thoroughfare. Bothering the costermongers and the retail shopkeepers and the small householders. In fact, making yourself a general nuisance in all directions. Why, uncle, you have entirely changed your nature!"
"Not at all," saidScrooge. "I am not changed, but my office is. Do you not know that I have ceased to be a member of the London County Council?"
"No, this is the first time I have heard of it! Why, that accounts for everything! It explains why you are a pleasant, good-natured old gentleman in lieu of a curmudgeon and a brute. It explains everything."
And it did!
MISUNDERSTOOD.MISUNDERSTOOD.Noble Philanthropist."That Parcel seems rather heavy for you, my little Man! Let me take it!"Small boy."Let yer tyke my Parcel! Garn with yer. I'll call the Perlice!"
Noble Philanthropist."That Parcel seems rather heavy for you, my little Man! Let me take it!"
Small boy."Let yer tyke my Parcel! Garn with yer. I'll call the Perlice!"
Name!Name!—No name has been announced for the new daily paper projected by Mr.Stead. In view of the plan frankly set forth in the prospectus, whereby one hundred thousand persons are to subscribe the capital, and if the venture proves a success the enterprising editor is to have the option of acquiring the property, a suitable title would be,Heads-I-Win-Tails-You-Lose. It is a little long, perhaps; but it precisely describes the relative positions, and you can't—at least some people can't—have everything.
Dramatic Recipe(from the Queen's Cookery Book).—First catch yourHare.
Scene—A conquered country.Time—The Past. Conquerors (colonists) panting after their hard work in defeating the natives. Enter anOfficial.The remaining members of the Colonial Band sing the National Anthem.
Official.I congratulate you upon your success. The more especially as you have gained it without the assistance of the Imperial power. (The Colonists indulge in feeble cheers.) But now my turn has arrived. In the name of theSovereignI claim this land for England!
[Plants the British Flag. Curtain.
Scene—As before.Time—The Present. Conquerors (colonists) smoking after the pleasant toil of mowing down the natives. Enter anOfficial.The Colonial Band (in its entirety) takes no notice.
Official.I congratulate you upon your success. The more especially as you have gained it without the assistance of the Imperial power. (The Colonists indulge in roars of laughter.) But now my turn has arrived. In the name of theSovereignI claim this land for England!
Colonists.No you don't! Be off! We can get on without you!
[Turns Official and his Flag out of the Country. Curtain.
[It is stated thatJabez S. Balfouris living "in a perfect fairy-land."]
I Dreamt that I dwelt in marble halls,With orchids on every side,A very long way from Old Bailey's walls,WhereNewtonandHobbswere tried.I had riches too great to count; could boastOfJabez, an elegant name;And I also dreamt, which charmed me most,Argentina loved me the same.I dreamt that my country let me go,In an indolent sort of way,For Scotland Yard did not seem to knowIt would "want" me another day.So they carefully closed the stable-door,When I'd fled beyond reach of blame;And I also dreamt, which charmed me more,Argentina loved me the same.I dreamt that detectives sought my hand,But their warrants I could not see.So their vows my swindler's heart could withstand,Though they pledged their faith to me.Buenos Ayres' bold, brazen face,Never glows with the blush of shame;Though I should be lynched in a decent place,Argentina loves me the same.
I Dreamt that I dwelt in marble halls,With orchids on every side,A very long way from Old Bailey's walls,WhereNewtonandHobbswere tried.I had riches too great to count; could boastOfJabez, an elegant name;And I also dreamt, which charmed me most,Argentina loved me the same.
I Dreamt that I dwelt in marble halls,
With orchids on every side,
A very long way from Old Bailey's walls,
WhereNewtonandHobbswere tried.
I had riches too great to count; could boast
OfJabez, an elegant name;
And I also dreamt, which charmed me most,
Argentina loved me the same.
I dreamt that my country let me go,In an indolent sort of way,For Scotland Yard did not seem to knowIt would "want" me another day.So they carefully closed the stable-door,When I'd fled beyond reach of blame;And I also dreamt, which charmed me more,Argentina loved me the same.
I dreamt that my country let me go,
In an indolent sort of way,
For Scotland Yard did not seem to know
It would "want" me another day.
So they carefully closed the stable-door,
When I'd fled beyond reach of blame;
And I also dreamt, which charmed me more,
Argentina loved me the same.
I dreamt that detectives sought my hand,But their warrants I could not see.So their vows my swindler's heart could withstand,Though they pledged their faith to me.Buenos Ayres' bold, brazen face,Never glows with the blush of shame;Though I should be lynched in a decent place,Argentina loves me the same.
I dreamt that detectives sought my hand,
But their warrants I could not see.
So their vows my swindler's heart could withstand,
Though they pledged their faith to me.
Buenos Ayres' bold, brazen face,
Never glows with the blush of shame;
Though I should be lynched in a decent place,
Argentina loves me the same.
A Great Field for Humorists Annually.—"Wit acres'Almanack."
House of Commons, Thursday, November2.—Began work again to-day as if nothing had happened from February to September. Understood to have had a recess; so short hardly worth mentioning. Considering all circumstances, attendance marvellously large.Marjoribanksgot his men together as usual, crowding benches on Ministerial side. Opposition not in quite such a hurry to wash their spears; but muster creditable. Irish camp deserted. "You see," saidJustin Mccarthy, "it isn't our funeral. But the bhoys are hanging round and will turn up if wanted."
Henry Fowlermoved Second Reading Parish Councils Bill. Adroit and able speech; rather hard onWalter Long; to him deputed position of spokesman on Front Opposition bench. Brought down notes of convincing speech.Fowlergetting in first anticipated all his objections; met them with benevolent alacrity that disarmed hostility. What did statesmen opposite want? Anything in reason should be conceded. "Give your orders, gents, whilst the waiter's in the room."
PARLIAMENT BY PROXY.PARLIAMENT BY PROXY.
This an admirable stroke of business, but a little depressing from spectacular point of view. No more pyrotechnics; no further meetings on the floor; no more grips at close quarters.Hayes Fisherlooked on moodily;Loganpassed Front Opposition bench without once so much as looking at place whereCarsonis accustomed meekly to repose. Respectable elderly gentlemen likeFrancisPowellandJeffreystook the floor. Even contumaciousCobbadmitted soothing influence of the hour. Didn't want anything more than that Parish Councils should have power to take land wherever they found it, and divide it amongst the poor. As everybody agreed Bill in the main desirable, and sinceFowlerhad promised fullest consideration of amendments in Committee, seemed natural thing to do was forthwith to read Bill second time, and fix date of Committee.
Parish Councils.Parish Councils.
"No, Sir," saidStanley Leighton, "I trust the House of Commons is not yet sunk so low as that. Confess I myself feel depressed. Couldn't to-night adequately fill my favourite and popular part of The Man from Shropshire. At least I'll deliver House from disgrace of bringing debate to a close for the puerile reason that we're all agreed Second Reading shall be taken."
So he wandered on; was just warming into Man-from-Shropshire manner, when midnight sounded and Debate stood adjourned.
Business done.—Second Reading Parish Councils Bill moved.
Friday.—For middle-aged gentleman of long experience never saw man so discomposed asJesse Collingswas just now, when he let cat out of bag about future arrangements of the Unionists personal to himself. What is to be done with the Faithful One whenJosephcomes into his own is favourite speculation in smoke-room.Sage of Queen Anne's Gatetakes special interest in matter. Most men thinkJesseshould have Cabinet rank in Coalition Ministry.
"No," says theSage, "he should be a Viceroy, either of India or Canada. Cut out for the place; and there would be no question of salary, such as, seven years ago, embittered his relations with Mr. G."
All these conjectures beside the point. Matter has, apparently, been settled in inner councils of party, and to-nightJesseaccidentally, inadvertently, lifted the veil. "I have," he said, in course of luminous speech prefaced by addressing theSpeakeras "Mr. Mayor," "something to say on that subject, but I will reserve my remarks for another place." House not very full at moment. But everyone knows meaning of House of Commons phrase "another place." Sensation profound. Bordesley soon to be bereft, forJesse Collingsis going to the Lords!Henry Matthews, a local authority on the subject, says even title been fixed upon. Nothing less than territorial style will do for the ex-Mayor and Radical Alderman. Soon the Upper House will greet LordBordesleyof Birmingham.
Quiet night, with further talk round Parish Councils Bill. Mr. G. present, seated betweenSquire of MalwoodandJohn Morley. Singularly subdued in manner; takes no part in discussion; goes off to dinner in good time, and House sees him no more.
Ireland takes a back seat. Sir William on the Premier's right again.Ireland takes a back seat. Sir William on the Premier's right again.
"And to think," said theSquire, glancing sideways at the placid figure beside him, "that this is the man painted in red and blue by Unionist pavement-artists. Their stories of Mr. G. always remind me of a passage in a theme produced by a young gentleman invited to state what he knew of CardinalWolsey.
"'In the siege of Quebec,' he wrote, 'he ascended the mountains at dead of night, when his enemies were at rest, and took the town at daybreak. His home policy was conducted in a similar manner.'
"'In the siege of Quebec,' he wrote, 'he ascended the mountains at dead of night, when his enemies were at rest, and took the town at daybreak. His home policy was conducted in a similar manner.'
"There is about that a picturesque air of circumstantiality, combined with a fanciful inaccuracy, equalled only by things one reads or hears with reference to my right hon. friend, and revered leader."
Business done.—Some papers on Parish Councils read.
TheTzar, on peace and friendship all intent,To France his AdmiralAvellanhas sent.'Twere pity if this Russian olive-branchPortended merely GeneralAvalanche.
TheTzar, on peace and friendship all intent,To France his AdmiralAvellanhas sent.'Twere pity if this Russian olive-branchPortended merely GeneralAvalanche.
TheTzar, on peace and friendship all intent,
To France his AdmiralAvellanhas sent.
'Twere pity if this Russian olive-branch
Portended merely GeneralAvalanche.
Mrs. R. is astonished to hear that "CountTaaffe, the Austrian Premier, is an Irishman and a Member of the British House of Lords." She says she is sure she has heard that "Taaffewas a Welshman,Taaffewas a ——," but she must have been misinformed!!!
A Strike-ing Suggestion.—ThePitt-coalition was a brilliant idea in its day. A coalition between masters and miners—a Pit-coal-ition, in fact—would solve the strike difficulty.
The Arab dhow to the chase is gone,Chock-full of slaves you'll discover it;And the British cruiser is artfully doneBy the French Flag flying over it!"Flag of France!" cries the British Tar,"The Arab hound betrays thee.Give him his due, at Zanzibar,And all the world shall praise thee!"The captain and crew by the Franks were tried,Andescaped—to the wide world's wonder!Oh glorious Flag! Is it then its prideThat the slavers hide thereunder?Let France disdain to sully thee,With the curst kidnapper's knavery!Thy folds should float o'er the brave and free,Andneverprotect foul Slavery!
The Arab dhow to the chase is gone,Chock-full of slaves you'll discover it;And the British cruiser is artfully doneBy the French Flag flying over it!"Flag of France!" cries the British Tar,"The Arab hound betrays thee.Give him his due, at Zanzibar,And all the world shall praise thee!"
The Arab dhow to the chase is gone,
Chock-full of slaves you'll discover it;
And the British cruiser is artfully done
By the French Flag flying over it!
"Flag of France!" cries the British Tar,
"The Arab hound betrays thee.
Give him his due, at Zanzibar,
And all the world shall praise thee!"
The captain and crew by the Franks were tried,Andescaped—to the wide world's wonder!Oh glorious Flag! Is it then its prideThat the slavers hide thereunder?Let France disdain to sully thee,With the curst kidnapper's knavery!Thy folds should float o'er the brave and free,Andneverprotect foul Slavery!
The captain and crew by the Franks were tried,
Andescaped—to the wide world's wonder!
Oh glorious Flag! Is it then its pride
That the slavers hide thereunder?
Let France disdain to sully thee,
With the curst kidnapper's knavery!
Thy folds should float o'er the brave and free,
Andneverprotect foul Slavery!
"Federation" seems aggravation,Conciliation's dead!While fights the "Miners' Federation,"The Miners areunfed!
"Federation" seems aggravation,Conciliation's dead!While fights the "Miners' Federation,"The Miners areunfed!
"Federation" seems aggravation,
Conciliation's dead!
While fights the "Miners' Federation,"
The Miners areunfed!
The Latest Autumn Fashions.—Parliamentary Sessions and Feather Trimmings. Both involving cruelty to bipeds "on the wing," and each "more honoured in the breach than the observance."
In Parliament assembled see them moveTheir resolutions lacking rhyme and reason,Determined all at any cost to proveThe Ulster Parliament's a Cloak to Treason!
In Parliament assembled see them moveTheir resolutions lacking rhyme and reason,Determined all at any cost to proveThe Ulster Parliament's a Cloak to Treason!
In Parliament assembled see them move
Their resolutions lacking rhyme and reason,
Determined all at any cost to prove
The Ulster Parliament's a Cloak to Treason!