PREHISTORIC PEEPS.PREHISTORIC PEEPS.The procedure in the Law Courts had many points of resemblance to our own but at times it was extremely difficult to give undivided attention to the Evidence!
The procedure in the Law Courts had many points of resemblance to our own but at times it was extremely difficult to give undivided attention to the Evidence!
(Compiled by One thoroughly Conversant with the Necessities of the Situation.)
1. The costume of every member of the Club shall be of the most elegant description. The design shall not be governed by the requirements of the game for which the uniform is required, but rather by the characteristics of the wearer.
2. Red and blue shall be worn according to the complexion of the player, and the choice of teams shall depend not upon prowess or locality, but the colour of the hair and eyes and the formation of the noses.
3. Patent leather shoes shall invariably form a part of thegrande tenueof the Club, with high heels at discretion.
4. Football shall be played with a light india-rubber globe, and "pushing" shall be strictly forbidden. However, it shall be permissible for one player to hold an opponent tightly by the hands if the former thinks the latter is about to give it "quite a hard kick" with her toe.
5. No angry language will be allowed, but one member may tell another, in the height of an exciting contest, that she is "a spiteful, disagreeable old thing." On very special occasions the word "There!" may be added with emphasis.
6. Cricket shall never be allowed to last for more than half an hour, and cups of tea shall be served to the strikers between the overs.
7. Only ladies shall be permitted to watch the game of the members, as a rule. However, at times when everyone is looking her best, individuals of the inferior sex shall be admitted to the football ground or cricket field, on the condition that they "promise not to laugh."
8. Players at football, cricket, and other games sanctioned by the Association, shall have full liberty to make their own rules and keep their own appointments. They will be usually expected to wait until a match is finished, unless called away to take a drive in the Park, or do a little shopping.
9 and Lastly. As women are as excellent as men at field sports, the members of the Club shall be entitled to the franchise.
SEQUELÆ!SEQUELÆ!The General."You've had it, I suppose?"The Judge."I should think so. I'm as weak as a Rat!"The General."That's nothing.I'mas weak asTwoRats!"The Judge."ButTwoRats are stronger thanOneRat!"The General."If you argue, I shall Cry!"
The General."You've had it, I suppose?"
The Judge."I should think so. I'm as weak as a Rat!"
The General."That's nothing.I'mas weak asTwoRats!"
The Judge."ButTwoRats are stronger thanOneRat!"
The General."If you argue, I shall Cry!"
Scene—The Sun. First Solarist discovered reading local journal to Second Solarist.
Scene—The Sun. First Solarist discovered reading local journal to Second Solarist.
First Solarist.I say, have you seen what this century'sEarthsays?
Second Solarist.No; it's much too hot for reading newspapers.
First S.Why, the idiotic people on that ridiculous little planet have just discovered the existence of Helium!
Second S.Dear me! How long have they taken about that?
First S.About six thousand years (according to mundane measure), or thereabouts.
Second S.They seem to have plenty of leisure on their hands! And now that theyhavefound out Helium, of what use will it be to them?
First S.Oh, that they will probably discover in another fix thousand years! Let's liquor!
[Exeunt. Scene closes in upon an eclipse.
["Mr. JusticeHawkinsobserved, 'I am surprised at nothing.'"—Pitts v. Joseph, "Times'" Report, March 27.]
All hail to SirHenry, whom nothing surprises;Ye Judges and suitors, regard him with awe,As he sits up aloft on the Bench and applies hisSwift mind to the shifts and the tricks of the Law.Many years has he lived, and has always seen clear thingsThat Nox seemed to hide from our average eyes:But still, though encompassed with all sorts of queer things,He never, no never gives way to surprise.When a rogue, for example, a company-monger,Grows fat on the gain of the shares he has sold,While the public gets lean, winning nothing but hungerAnd a few scraps of scrip for its masses of gold;When the fat man goes further and takes to religion,A rascal in hymn-books and bibles disguised,"It's a case," says SirHenry, "of rookversuspigeon,And the pigeon gets left—well, I'm hardly surprised."There's a Heath at Newmarket, and horses that run there,There are owners and jockeys, and sharpers and flats;There are some who do nicely, and some who are done there,There are loud men with pencils and satchels and hats.But the Stewards see nothing of betting or money,As they stand in the blinkers for Stewards devised;Their blindness may strikeHenry Hawkinsas funny,But he only smiles softly, he isn't surprised.So, here's to SirHenry, the terror of tricksters,Of Law he's a master, and likewise a limb:His mind never once, when its purpose is fixed, errs;For cuteness there's none holds a candle to him.Let them try to deceive him, why, bless you, he'sbeenthere,And can track his way straight through a tangle of lies;And, though some might grow grey at the things he has seen there,He never, no never, gives way to surprise.
All hail to SirHenry, whom nothing surprises;Ye Judges and suitors, regard him with awe,As he sits up aloft on the Bench and applies hisSwift mind to the shifts and the tricks of the Law.Many years has he lived, and has always seen clear thingsThat Nox seemed to hide from our average eyes:But still, though encompassed with all sorts of queer things,He never, no never gives way to surprise.
All hail to SirHenry, whom nothing surprises;
Ye Judges and suitors, regard him with awe,
As he sits up aloft on the Bench and applies his
Swift mind to the shifts and the tricks of the Law.
Many years has he lived, and has always seen clear things
That Nox seemed to hide from our average eyes:
But still, though encompassed with all sorts of queer things,
He never, no never gives way to surprise.
When a rogue, for example, a company-monger,Grows fat on the gain of the shares he has sold,While the public gets lean, winning nothing but hungerAnd a few scraps of scrip for its masses of gold;When the fat man goes further and takes to religion,A rascal in hymn-books and bibles disguised,"It's a case," says SirHenry, "of rookversuspigeon,And the pigeon gets left—well, I'm hardly surprised."
When a rogue, for example, a company-monger,
Grows fat on the gain of the shares he has sold,
While the public gets lean, winning nothing but hunger
And a few scraps of scrip for its masses of gold;
When the fat man goes further and takes to religion,
A rascal in hymn-books and bibles disguised,
"It's a case," says SirHenry, "of rookversuspigeon,
And the pigeon gets left—well, I'm hardly surprised."
There's a Heath at Newmarket, and horses that run there,There are owners and jockeys, and sharpers and flats;There are some who do nicely, and some who are done there,There are loud men with pencils and satchels and hats.But the Stewards see nothing of betting or money,As they stand in the blinkers for Stewards devised;Their blindness may strikeHenry Hawkinsas funny,But he only smiles softly, he isn't surprised.
There's a Heath at Newmarket, and horses that run there,
There are owners and jockeys, and sharpers and flats;
There are some who do nicely, and some who are done there,
There are loud men with pencils and satchels and hats.
But the Stewards see nothing of betting or money,
As they stand in the blinkers for Stewards devised;
Their blindness may strikeHenry Hawkinsas funny,
But he only smiles softly, he isn't surprised.
So, here's to SirHenry, the terror of tricksters,Of Law he's a master, and likewise a limb:His mind never once, when its purpose is fixed, errs;For cuteness there's none holds a candle to him.Let them try to deceive him, why, bless you, he'sbeenthere,And can track his way straight through a tangle of lies;And, though some might grow grey at the things he has seen there,He never, no never, gives way to surprise.
So, here's to SirHenry, the terror of tricksters,
Of Law he's a master, and likewise a limb:
His mind never once, when its purpose is fixed, errs;
For cuteness there's none holds a candle to him.
Let them try to deceive him, why, bless you, he'sbeenthere,
And can track his way straight through a tangle of lies;
And, though some might grow grey at the things he has seen there,
He never, no never, gives way to surprise.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Lords, Monday, March 25.—Impossible to avoid noticing depression of theMarkisswhen he entered House to-night. At first thought feelings of a father had overcome him.Cranborne, immediately after eloquent and energetic attack in other House of Welsh Disestablishment Bill, was struck down by indisposition, reported to be measles. That all very well. Do not wish to suggest anything wrong; but coincidence at least remarkable. Measles, the Member forSarktells me, can be conveyed in various apparently innoxious guises. In a controversy so acrid thatGeorge Osborne Morganhas been publicly accused of profligacy, men will, it is too obvious, go any lengths. At present there is nothing that can be called evidence to connectCranborne'ssudden indisposition with current controversy. But if this mysterious attack is followed by symptoms of croup, rickets, teething, or any other complaint usually associated with happy days in the nursery, the public will know what to think.
Happily it turned out that the depression of theMarkisshad nothing to do with the condition of the heir of Hatfield. His sympathetic heart been touched by difficulties that environ a worthy class of men whomLord Chancellor, conscious thatCobb'seye is upon him, has recently been making magistrates. "Excellent persons," says theMarkiss; "self-made men. But unfortunately the process of self-manufacture does not include knowledge of the statutes at large." There is the Parish Councils Act, for example; one of those pieces of legislation with which a reckless Radical majority has embarrassed an ancient State. This law has to be administered by people unlearned in Acts of Parliament. They cannot take a stepwithout having sixteen volumes of the statutes at large tucked under their arms. What the benevolent and thoughtfulMarkisssuggested was, that in all future legislation there shall be reprinted sections of Acts of Parliament referred to in text of Bill.
House listened with admiration to statesman who, his mind engrossed by imperial cares, could find time to think out schemes for easing the pathway of working-men magistrates, and assisting operation of Parish Councils Act. Only, somehow, there was left on minds of hearers a strong impression that working-men magistrates are a mistake, and the Parish Councils Act a public injury, of which the Government ought to be more than ordinarily ashamed.
Business done.—More speech-making round Welsh Disestablishment Bill in Commons. Direfully dull.
House of Commons, Tuesday.—"Speakers may come, and Speakers may go," said the Member forSark, "but as long as the House of Commons produces men likeVicary Gibbsthe institution is safe, and the State rocks safely on its everlasting foundations. It was, you will remember,Vicarywho directly, though undesignedly, led to the row on that famous night in June when Home-Rule Committee was closured.Vicaryshares with Heaven the peculiarity that order is his first law. On that particular night somebody had said something, andVicarywanted to have his words taken down. Amid growing uproar his observations were inaudible to the Chair, and his presence undistinguishable. Some men would thereupon have resumed their seat.Vicary, his soul athirst to have something 'taken down,' moved on to the Front Opposition Bench, and shouted his desire inMellor'sleft ear. ThenLogansuddenly loomed large on the scene.Hayes Fisherreached forth a red right hand and shook him by the collar. Next an anonymous Irish Member fell over the bench on toSaunderson'sknee, and was there incontinently but heartily pummelled. After that chaos; all arising out ofVicary Gibbs'sinsatiable, uncontrollable desire to have something 'taken down' in the sacred name of order."
These musings on the mighty past were occasioned byVicaryonce more unexpectedly, but sternly and effectively, interposing as the custodian of order.Weirbroken out in epidemic of questions; puts down eleven on the paper; runs them up to the full score by supplementary questions, invariably prefaced by the formula "Is the right hon. gentlemanA. Weirthat——?" A poor joke, its only flash of humour being in the subtly varied tone with which theSpeakereleven times pronounced the words, "Mr.Weir." Also grotesquely funny to hear the reverberation of the deep chest notes, in whichWeir, with tragic sweep ofpince-nezon to his nose, said in succession, "Ques-ti-on one," "Ques-ti-on two," and so on.
Touch of tragedy came in whenVicary, managing to throw into tone and form of question conviction thatSquire of Malwoodwas secretly at bottom of the whole business, asked him whether this was not abuse of forms of the House, calculated to lead to curtailment of valuable privilege. No useSquireassuming air of innocence. House knew all about it. Refreshed and revived byVicary'stimely vindication of law and order, proceeded to business.
Business done.—Fourth night's Debate on Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill. The still prevalent dulness varied by speech fromPlunket; witched the House by music of stately though simple eloquence.
Thursday.—Desperate dulness of week further relieved by discovery of new game.Tommy Bowles,Inv.House just got into Committee of Supply; Vote on Account under discussion; this covers multitudinous items; every spending department of State concerned. When Committee of Supply deals with Army Estimates,Cawmell-Bannermanand theWinsome Woodallin their places. The rest of Ministers may go away, knowing that everything is well. The same when Navy Estimates are on, or when particular votes in the Civil Service Estimates are to the fore. Ministers of particular departments affected in their place; the rest at liberty.
To-night, as no one knew who might be called on next, all agreed to stop away—all but the faithfulHibbert. Cap'enTommy, as usual, aloft in the Crow's Nest, perceived this weak point. Hauling on the bowline, and making all taut, he bore down swiftly on the Treasury Bench, and hailed it for the President of the Board of Trade. Wanted to talk toBryce, he said, about lighthouses. No one knew better thanTommythatBrycewasn't aboard. According to regulations, he ought to have been. Search made for him. Presently brought in with hands in pockets, trying to whistle, and otherwise present appearance of indifference. But a poor show.
Sir John Leng strongly objects to Lion-taming Exhibitions.Sir John Leng strongly objects to Lion-taming Exhibitions.
Sir John Leng strongly objects to Lion-taming Exhibitions.
Encouraged by this success, PrivateHanbury, observingRobertsonwas among absentees, addressed question to Civil Lord of Admiralty about Peterhead Harbour.Hibbert'sagony of mind at this juncture would have softened harder hearts. An elderly hen, that has counted its brood seven times, on each occasion finding one or two missing, not more perturbed. Looked up and down Treasury Bench.Robertson, not within sight; might be below the Gangway. Vain hope. For Members opposite interest in Peterhead Harbour growing keener and more urgent.Francis Powell, usually mild-mannered man, went so far as to move to report progress.Mellordeclined to put question.
"Very well," said the BlamelessBartley, with air of martyr. "We must go on talking about Peterhead Harbour till the Minister comes in."
So he did, and when he ran dryTomlinson(having meanwhile ascertained where Peterhead Harbour is) took up the wondrous tale. Talking whenHibbertreappeared, his breast now swelling with maternal pride and satisfaction. He had found the lost chick, and clucked low notes of supreme content as he brought him back to the roost. Pretty to see how, Civil Lord in his place, all interest in Peterhead Harbour subsided, Busy B's turning their attention to alleged felonious underrating of Government property.
Business done.—Vote on Account through Committee. SirJohn LengcallsAsquith'sattention to dangerous occupation of lion-tamers. "All very well," he says, "for doughty knight like me. But these poor fellows with families shouldn't be allowed to run risks."
Friday Night.—"What's the business at to-night's sitting?" askedSquire of Malwood, looking over Orders of the Day. "Home Rule all round? Very well. Shall give practical proof of adherence to principle by stopping at home."
John Morleydid same, most other Ministers following suit.Cawmel-Bannermansacrificed himself on altar of country. But insisted that he might at least dine out in interval between morning and evening sitting that made last day of Parliamentary week. His snowy shirt front gave air of almost reckless joviality to desolate Treasury Bench.Prince Arthur, not to be outdone in chivalry, also looked in after dinner, brightening up Front Bench opposite Minister for War. But two swallows don't make a summer, nor two gentlemen in evening dress a festive party.Trevelyanonly man in earnest, and he terribly so.
Business done.—Home Rule all round decreed by majority of 26 in House of 230.
["In a case heard before JudgeFrenchat Shoreditch, the Judge remarked that the plea of infancy was not a very meritorious one. 'No,' replied the defendant, 'but it's jolly convenient.'"—The Globe.]
When, toddling along with a swell, I pretendNot to notice a shabby (though excellent) friend,—Well, it isnotlofty, to that I assent,But then, "it's so jolly con-ve-ni-ent!"When a tenant has built up a business with care,And saved to his landlord all cost of repair,It may not be kind just to double his rent,Yet somehow "it's jolly con-ve-ni-ent!"If you've suffered, in polling, a "moral defeat,"Then to grab each Committee and every paid seatSome might say was the act of a "cad," not a "gent";But, you see, "it's so jolly con-ve-ni-ent!"Then your house is for sale, and, if gifted with brains,You, of course, do not mention the damp, rats, and drainsWhich is not what the ancients by "honesty" meant,But, still, itis"jolly con-ve-ni-ent!"
When, toddling along with a swell, I pretendNot to notice a shabby (though excellent) friend,—Well, it isnotlofty, to that I assent,But then, "it's so jolly con-ve-ni-ent!"
When, toddling along with a swell, I pretend
Not to notice a shabby (though excellent) friend,—
Well, it isnotlofty, to that I assent,
But then, "it's so jolly con-ve-ni-ent!"
When a tenant has built up a business with care,And saved to his landlord all cost of repair,It may not be kind just to double his rent,Yet somehow "it's jolly con-ve-ni-ent!"
When a tenant has built up a business with care,
And saved to his landlord all cost of repair,
It may not be kind just to double his rent,
Yet somehow "it's jolly con-ve-ni-ent!"
If you've suffered, in polling, a "moral defeat,"Then to grab each Committee and every paid seatSome might say was the act of a "cad," not a "gent";But, you see, "it's so jolly con-ve-ni-ent!"
If you've suffered, in polling, a "moral defeat,"
Then to grab each Committee and every paid seat
Some might say was the act of a "cad," not a "gent";
But, you see, "it's so jolly con-ve-ni-ent!"
Then your house is for sale, and, if gifted with brains,You, of course, do not mention the damp, rats, and drainsWhich is not what the ancients by "honesty" meant,But, still, itis"jolly con-ve-ni-ent!"
Then your house is for sale, and, if gifted with brains,
You, of course, do not mention the damp, rats, and drains
Which is not what the ancients by "honesty" meant,
But, still, itis"jolly con-ve-ni-ent!"
Transcriber's NotePage 159: Footnote [*] refers to [www.] gutenberg.org/ebooks/30739Page 168: 'progess' corrected to 'progress'."Francis Powell, usually mild-mannered man, went so far as to move to report progress."
Page 159: Footnote [*] refers to [www.] gutenberg.org/ebooks/30739
Page 168: 'progess' corrected to 'progress'.
"Francis Powell, usually mild-mannered man, went so far as to move to report progress."