"A hundred pounds!Ha! Thou hast touched me nearly."The Critic.
"A hundred pounds!Ha! Thou hast touched me nearly."The Critic.
"A hundred pounds!
Ha! Thou hast touched me nearly."
The Critic.
The Witness Protection Society and General Legal Reform Union has been holding its Annual General Meeting. Among the numerous objects of this estimable body the chief appears to be to protect witnesses in law courts from insult by counsel. CaptainParkis, having expressed himself as willing, was voted to the chair, and the members settled down to have a good time. "Heated discussion," "further disturbance," and a well-sustained fire of "protests," lent an air of gaiety to the proceedings, which culminated in "various gentlemen abusing one another across the table." With such excellent practice, the members of the W. P. S. G. L. R. U. should be able to hold their own in court. The Bar trembles. Even the Bench feels a little uneasy.
L-ckw-d, no longer drawing, will be drawn,Even the piercing eye ofCl-rkewill quail,C-rs-nbe "spacheless,"G-llwill almost fawn,And sturdyW-bst-rfalter and turn pale,Because the witness, taking heart of grace,Will "go for him" with candour strangely new,And brandish, cross-examined, in his faceThe W. P. S. G. L. R. U.!
L-ckw-d, no longer drawing, will be drawn,Even the piercing eye ofCl-rkewill quail,C-rs-nbe "spacheless,"G-llwill almost fawn,And sturdyW-bst-rfalter and turn pale,Because the witness, taking heart of grace,Will "go for him" with candour strangely new,And brandish, cross-examined, in his faceThe W. P. S. G. L. R. U.!
L-ckw-d, no longer drawing, will be drawn,
Even the piercing eye ofCl-rkewill quail,
C-rs-nbe "spacheless,"G-llwill almost fawn,
And sturdyW-bst-rfalter and turn pale,
Because the witness, taking heart of grace,
Will "go for him" with candour strangely new,
And brandish, cross-examined, in his face
The W. P. S. G. L. R. U.!
"Memorable Sayings and Historical Events."—There must now be added to the long list SirWilliam Harcourt'slanguidly jocose remark on Friday night last. "Thank Heaven," he is reported to have said, "there is one night on which we need not fear a crisis." And while yet the laugh was on their lips, the bells rang, and subsequently the Four Tellers announced what could not have been Fore-told. And who laughs last?
'WILLIAM! AHOY!'"WILLIAM! AHOY!"Open-minded William(having come ashore from "The Stormy Petrel"). "AVAST THERE, MESSMATES! THE STATESMAN WHO WOULD LAY HIS HANDS ON A STEEPLE-HATTED FEMALE IN DISTRESS,—SAVE IN THE WAY OF KE-INDNESS," &c., &c.[The "Messmates" "avast" accordingly.3-star"Mr. G." withdrew his pair with Mr.Villiersin order to keep "an open mind" on the Welsh Disestablishment Question.
Open-minded William(having come ashore from "The Stormy Petrel"). "AVAST THERE, MESSMATES! THE STATESMAN WHO WOULD LAY HIS HANDS ON A STEEPLE-HATTED FEMALE IN DISTRESS,—SAVE IN THE WAY OF KE-INDNESS," &c., &c.
[The "Messmates" "avast" accordingly.
3-star"Mr. G." withdrew his pair with Mr.Villiersin order to keep "an open mind" on the Welsh Disestablishment Question.
Mailman
Messrs.Arkwright,Cunliffe, andWarnerhave received their blues from the Captain of the Oxford University Eleven. In other words, these gentlemen will help to represent their University in the cricket match against Cambridge. My congratulations, though they come late, are none the less hearty and sincere. Can any years of success in after life efface the memory or outrival the delight of that crowded moment of glorious life which comes to a young man when his Captain tells him he may get his blue? Thenceforward he is made one with the great company of old blues, who year by year meet and exchange reminiscences, the honour of his University is in his hands, his father becomes less rigorous in his financial views, and his mother is confirmed in her opinion that her darling is the brightest and best and handsomest of created beings. These keen joys come but once in a lifetime, and only to a few.
That man's a good bat who can time, judge, and mark rightThe ball as it flies from the right hand ofArkwright.And the Oxford men cheer as they see the stumps fallWhen the Magdalen bowler delivers the ball."My team," saidG. Mordaunt, "requires only one lift;If I get it the Cantabs may go and be Cunliffed."And I think he was wise in awarding, don't you,To this tricky left-handed young bowler his blue.And lastly the Captain, he put in his thumb,For he very much wanted to pull out a plum:"I have it," he cried, like a modern Jack Horner,And he promptly scored one as he pulled out PlumWarner.
That man's a good bat who can time, judge, and mark rightThe ball as it flies from the right hand ofArkwright.And the Oxford men cheer as they see the stumps fallWhen the Magdalen bowler delivers the ball."My team," saidG. Mordaunt, "requires only one lift;If I get it the Cantabs may go and be Cunliffed."And I think he was wise in awarding, don't you,To this tricky left-handed young bowler his blue.And lastly the Captain, he put in his thumb,For he very much wanted to pull out a plum:"I have it," he cried, like a modern Jack Horner,And he promptly scored one as he pulled out PlumWarner.
That man's a good bat who can time, judge, and mark right
The ball as it flies from the right hand ofArkwright.
And the Oxford men cheer as they see the stumps fall
When the Magdalen bowler delivers the ball.
"My team," saidG. Mordaunt, "requires only one lift;
If I get it the Cantabs may go and be Cunliffed."
And I think he was wise in awarding, don't you,
To this tricky left-handed young bowler his blue.
And lastly the Captain, he put in his thumb,
For he very much wanted to pull out a plum:
"I have it," he cried, like a modern Jack Horner,
And he promptly scored one as he pulled out PlumWarner.
When I was a freshman at Cambridge (eheu fugaces!) I remember being both impressed and terrified at having pointed out to me a tutor of a certain College who was said to be the hero of a Bacchanalian incident. The story went that the tutor, returning from some feast with a party of friends, fell, by mischance, into one of the narrow streams of water that flow at the side of the Cambridge streets. Striking out vigorously, he shouted, "Save the rest, I can swim." No doubt the story is still told, for the supposed hero of it is still alive. Indeed, when a caricature of him was published some years ago inVanity Fair, the biography byJehu Juniorclosed with the words, "He can swim." Yet the story, as affecting Mr.Dash, of Blank College, is manifestly false, for it is older than the century. The curious may find it in its original form in the lately published volume ofS. T. Coleridge'sletters. The poet relates it of an undergraduate of his day who had taken part in a drunken revel.
But the ways of stories are at all times inscrutable. I have myself—I confess it without a blush—deliberately invented and spread abroad a story about a semi-public dinner. I did so merely because it struck me as containing elements of humour. Besides, it not only might have happened, but ought to have happened. A year or two later six gentlemen, who had been present when the incident did not occur, related it back to me, each one with a little special embellishment of his own. Some of them were magistrates, most of them were fathers of families, and all were honourable men. Yet they were all prepared to stake their reputations on the absolute veracity of this myth; and, what is even more curious, they retailed it to its inventor and disseminator.
Lytham is troubled. I read that "the musical attractions at the Pier Pavilion have been fairly patronised, and dancing on the pier is to be resumed." This latter attraction, it appears, has not met with the entire approval of the Lytham people, who contend that it will bring Lytham into disrepute. "The Ratepayers' Association have had the matter under consideration, and have disclaimed any connection with the innovation. The directors, however, have had the question under discussion, and have decided to continue the dancing."
Said the pier-man to the tourist, "Lo, the tide is flowing free;Won't you come and join the dancers in our Temple by the sea?See how mazily the Harries and the Harriets advance,Will you won't you, will you won't you, won't you join the dance?"We have cornets, flutes and fiddles, and we always play in time,And the triangles at intervals triangularly chime.Hark, the bold bassoon is booming, every dancer gets a chance,Come and trip it, pretty tourist, in our gay Pavilion dance."But the tourist paused a moment; then addressed the pier-man, "Brute,Such proceedings bring poor Lytham into awful disrepute,Besides, I'm here for pleasure, and I do not want to prance.As the rest of them are doing, in your gayal frescodance."And the ratepayers considered it, and angrily replied,"There is another shore, you know, upon the other side:Take your dancers far from England, take them bodily to France;We disclaim the least connection, and we will not join your dance."
Said the pier-man to the tourist, "Lo, the tide is flowing free;Won't you come and join the dancers in our Temple by the sea?See how mazily the Harries and the Harriets advance,Will you won't you, will you won't you, won't you join the dance?
Said the pier-man to the tourist, "Lo, the tide is flowing free;
Won't you come and join the dancers in our Temple by the sea?
See how mazily the Harries and the Harriets advance,
Will you won't you, will you won't you, won't you join the dance?
"We have cornets, flutes and fiddles, and we always play in time,And the triangles at intervals triangularly chime.Hark, the bold bassoon is booming, every dancer gets a chance,Come and trip it, pretty tourist, in our gay Pavilion dance."
"We have cornets, flutes and fiddles, and we always play in time,
And the triangles at intervals triangularly chime.
Hark, the bold bassoon is booming, every dancer gets a chance,
Come and trip it, pretty tourist, in our gay Pavilion dance."
But the tourist paused a moment; then addressed the pier-man, "Brute,Such proceedings bring poor Lytham into awful disrepute,Besides, I'm here for pleasure, and I do not want to prance.As the rest of them are doing, in your gayal frescodance."
But the tourist paused a moment; then addressed the pier-man, "Brute,
Such proceedings bring poor Lytham into awful disrepute,
Besides, I'm here for pleasure, and I do not want to prance.
As the rest of them are doing, in your gayal frescodance."
And the ratepayers considered it, and angrily replied,"There is another shore, you know, upon the other side:Take your dancers far from England, take them bodily to France;We disclaim the least connection, and we will not join your dance."
And the ratepayers considered it, and angrily replied,
"There is another shore, you know, upon the other side:
Take your dancers far from England, take them bodily to France;
We disclaim the least connection, and we will not join your dance."
I note from a correspondence inThe Scotsmanthat a considerable amount of feeling has been aroused by the erection of the new North British Railway Hotel in Princes Street. LordWemyss, apparently, has declared not only that it will spoil the view, but also that it will "pierce the vault of heaven." Another correspondent adds that it will have "a Jennerised, unreposeful front." That ought to settle the matter at once. Someone else complains of "those terrible advertisements of drugs and fluid beef which extend in gigantic letters along the side of the lower part of the Carlton Hill, and which catch the unwilling eye of anyone looking from the Bridges, from the Mound, and indeed from any part of the Old Town." What with advertisements of drugs and fluid beef, and a new hotel possessing a Jennerised, unreposeful front, obviously Edinburgh is in a bad way.
Mr.C. J. Walton, of Wolverhampton, writes to theBirmingham Daily Gazettewith reference to a recent appeal on behalf of the victims of the "Liberator" frauds. "I fail entirely to see," he says, "how a member of the Church of England can be expected to make the slightest sacrifice (except on the principle of Christian charity), seeing that the whole idea of the 'Liberator' scheme was to find funds for the agitators whose sole aim was the robbery and destruction of the Church of England as a national institution, and to get hold of its funds for secular and non-religious purposes." Dear me, dear me, how strange, how terrible, how muddle-headed. This poor politician has evidently got mixed up between the Liberator and the "Liberation Society." Let him take the hint, and send in his subscription.
The Convict Ship,Clark Russel'slatest novel (Chatto and Windus), is redolent of the sea. There is no writer, not forgettingMarryat, who has such close companionship with the sea in its multiple forms and its many moods. The temptation to transfer some of the ever-varying pictures of the sea which sparkle in these pages is great but must be resisted. Here is a glimpse of night at sea, chosen not because it is best, but because it is shortest:—
Lookout
"The mighty shadow of the ocean night was majestic and awful, with the wild, flashful colouring of lightning in the south, and the dustlike multitude of stars over the three glooming spires of our ship."
One would suppose that, sitting down to write,Clark Russellhad just come home from a long trip foreign, or at least lived his life somewhere within sight and sound of the sea. The pity of it is, my Baronite tells me, that this incomparable student of the sea, of ships that go down upon the waters, and of those who people them, lies at anchor on his sofa in an inland town. He has not looked upon the sea for a dozen years, nor smelt its brine, nor watched a ship coming or going. This makes the more marvellous the power of description of sea life in all its forms here displayed. Beyond this special gift, fascinating to some people, Mr.Russellhas a story to tell, a good stout sea story, full of life and adventure, through the devious movements of which we meet real men and one woman. Remembering thatClark Russellnow ranks as a veteran novelist, it is pleasant to bear testimony to the fact that he seems to have saved his best wine to the last.The Convict Shipis, take it from stem to stern, the best work he has yet turned out.
The B. De B.-W.
"N.B."—Glasgow will have to look after its parks. Here is the Town Council actually dreaming of "feuing" some of "the recently-acquired Camphill grounds" for building purposes! These grounds belong to the people, and adjoin the South Side Park, and "the amenity of that park would be destroyed" by building operations. One protester says South Side Park is the prettiest in Glasgow, and "more like the London parks, which I regard as the finest in the kingdom." Thanks, worthy Scot! The view of it, "as seen through the railings in the Pollokshaws Road," reminds him of "the fine view of Hyde Park which is to be had through the railing in that busy and lovely thoroughfare—Oxford Street." Thanks again, thrice worthy Pict! But Oxford Street a "lovely thoroughfare"—well! At any rate, the Glasgow Bailies when next they are disposed to "feu," should think of the "Many" instead.
Rattle-it, rattle-it, "Biking" man;Make us a "record" as fast as you can;Score it, and print it as large as life,And someone will "cut" it ere you can say knife!
Rattle-it, rattle-it, "Biking" man;Make us a "record" as fast as you can;Score it, and print it as large as life,And someone will "cut" it ere you can say knife!
Rattle-it, rattle-it, "Biking" man;
Make us a "record" as fast as you can;
Score it, and print it as large as life,
And someone will "cut" it ere you can say knife!
Germany and France at the Theatres.—Capital fun atDruriolanus'sDrury Lane, by the Ducal Court Company. Farcical Comedy,Hasemann'sTöchter, played by the Ducal Creatures. How we have been going it in the theatrical world!Sarain French!Dusein Italian! and now the clever people of Saxe-Coburg-and-Gotha ("You'll Go-tha and see 'em!") to finish with. By the way,Saranot to be beaten by anybody asLa Tosca. Fascinating and terrible as ever. In the knife, corpse, and candle scene, awful. Fine play, but—"Horrible! Most horrible!" Quite comforting, when curtain descends on that Act, to remember that "it's only purtendin'."
A singular entry was on Tuesday, June 18, made in Mr.Inglefield'svisitors' (House of Commons) book. "Mr.Disraeli—Mr.Gladstone." It was Mr.C. Disraeliintroducing as a visitoraMr.Gladstoneof Liverpool. A very "singular entry" indeed, had it been the ghost of Big Ben himself!
Dr. W. Grace's Favourite Dish.—"Batter pudding."
'A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE'"A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE," &c.Sissy."Mamma, doesDemi-toilettemeanHalf-dressed, like Mrs. Robins is when she comes here to Dinner?"
Sissy."Mamma, doesDemi-toilettemeanHalf-dressed, like Mrs. Robins is when she comes here to Dinner?"
(By a Wee German Laddie).
Air—"The Keel Row!"
As I sailed through the Baltic,The Baltic, the Baltic,As I sailed through the Baltic,I heard a German sing, O!"Merry may our Kiel grow,Our Kiel grow, our Kiel grow,With ships from sea to sea, O!"The Vaterland reposes,As though on beds of roses,Whilst we hold up our noses,Among the Naval Powers, O!Merry may our Kiel grow, &c."The Frank desires to mizzle,His Panama's a fizzle.Bull, in his land of drizzle,Is jealous as cm be, O!But merry may our Kiel grow, &c."
As I sailed through the Baltic,The Baltic, the Baltic,As I sailed through the Baltic,I heard a German sing, O!"Merry may our Kiel grow,Our Kiel grow, our Kiel grow,With ships from sea to sea, O!
As I sailed through the Baltic,
The Baltic, the Baltic,
As I sailed through the Baltic,
I heard a German sing, O!
"Merry may our Kiel grow,
Our Kiel grow, our Kiel grow,
With ships from sea to sea, O!
"The Vaterland reposes,As though on beds of roses,Whilst we hold up our noses,Among the Naval Powers, O!Merry may our Kiel grow, &c.
"The Vaterland reposes,
As though on beds of roses,
Whilst we hold up our noses,
Among the Naval Powers, O!
Merry may our Kiel grow, &c.
"The Frank desires to mizzle,His Panama's a fizzle.Bull, in his land of drizzle,Is jealous as cm be, O!But merry may our Kiel grow, &c."
"The Frank desires to mizzle,
His Panama's a fizzle.
Bull, in his land of drizzle,
Is jealous as cm be, O!
But merry may our Kiel grow, &c."
Mr.F. J. Horniman, F.R.G.S., tea-merchant, has accepted the invitation to oppose Mr.Cavendish Bentinck, Conservative M.P., for the united borough of Penryn, Flushing, and Falmouth. It is anticipated, says theWestern Daily Mercury, that he will make a good candidate. Certainly he ought to be able to suit the constituency to a T, unless it continues faithful to itsCavendish, in which case his candidature will end in smoke. Mr.Horniman, no doubt, hopes for an early general election, because the longer he stands the greater prospect of his getting what schoolboys call a "tannin'."
New Song.—"Goodness' Nose," By the author of"Beauty's Eyes"!!
A COMIC RAILWAY JOURNEY.
Miss Prunes-Prism.And now, my dear charges, I trust you have utilised the hour that has been hypothecated to enjoyment profitably.
Emily.Indeed we have, dear governess. I have read to my brother and sister a most amusing account of a railway traveller who wished to get from Bangor to Euston in five hours, and was baffled in the well-intentioned attempt by the clever ingenuity of the railway companies!
Miss Prunes-Prism.You refer, no doubt, to the gentleman who, having left Bangor at 7.55, reached Llandudno at 8.5, Colwyn Bay at 8.41, Abergele at 8.52, Rhyl at 9.2, and Chester at 9.56.
Margaret.Yes, dear MissPrunes-Prism; and it is at that point the fun of the railway companies came in. Having arrived at 9.56 he found that the train for London had already left. It was timed to depart for the metropolis exactly one minute before the arrival of his train at 9.55!
Emily.Indeed, dear governess, the story is vastly entertaining. Then there is a similar arrangement at Crewe Junction. At that centre of popularity a train arrives from a provincial source at 10.48, just one minute later than the advertised time for the departure of the London train. Those who have the framing of these traffic arrangements must be wags of the first water!
Miss Prunes-Prism.No doubt they are. And now, my dearCharles, supposing your dear papa wished to get from Bangor to Euston, what would you advise him to do?
Charles.I should recommend him to walk.
Miss Prunes-Prism.I think, my dear child, that your counsel would be sound. And now, my dear charges, having enjoyed our chat, let us return with renewed energy to the consideration of the principal incidents ofMagna Charta.
Series to Succeed "The Penny Poets."—"The Tuppenny-Ha'penny Poetasters." To include the lays of the Logrollerites, and the leading aspirants to the Laureateship.
(See Song, "The Two Graces," in last week's "Punch.")
[In the first innings of the Jubilee Match, "I ZingariversusGentlemen of England,"W. G. Grace, Sen., scored 34, andW. G. Grace, Jun., 79].
Says the young W. G. to the old W. G.,"Seventy-nine, my potent pater, Seventy-nine!"Says the old W. G. to the young W. G.,"That beats mine, sonnyWilliam, that beats mine!A. G. Steeldoes little cricket, but he made hay of my wicket;Howwe used to run the score up, he and I, long ago!But I told you you would do it, if you only dared sticktoit;And weknow, we old 'uns,William; yes,weknow!"
Says the young W. G. to the old W. G.,"Seventy-nine, my potent pater, Seventy-nine!"Says the old W. G. to the young W. G.,"That beats mine, sonnyWilliam, that beats mine!A. G. Steeldoes little cricket, but he made hay of my wicket;Howwe used to run the score up, he and I, long ago!But I told you you would do it, if you only dared sticktoit;And weknow, we old 'uns,William; yes,weknow!"
Says the young W. G. to the old W. G.,
"Seventy-nine, my potent pater, Seventy-nine!"
Says the old W. G. to the young W. G.,
"That beats mine, sonnyWilliam, that beats mine!
A. G. Steeldoes little cricket, but he made hay of my wicket;
Howwe used to run the score up, he and I, long ago!
But I told you you would do it, if you only dared sticktoit;
And weknow, we old 'uns,William; yes,weknow!"
There has been much excitement in Sheffield about the School Board. The unsectarian party had a chance of converting a minority of one into a majority of the same extent, owing to the retirement of one Church member, and the serious illness of another, FatherBurke, who was thereby prevented from attending the Board meeting for the election of a new member. Mr.Charles Hobson, however, refused to take advantage of an accident to reverse for the next two years and a half the policy of the Board laid down by a majority of the ratepayers, and chose what he considered the better part of pairing with FatherBurke. Therefore was the chairman enabled to give a casting vote in favour of the Church candidate. But "Hobson's Choice" has not pleased his candid friends, who think, and say, that it is "not war," nor even magnificent. The blades must needs keep up the credit of their native place by making cutting remarks. They come from Sheffield.
Joy in the Church, confusion in the chapel,And contradictory clamour everywhere!It may be questioned if the Eris-appleGendered more strife than "Mr.Gladstone'sPair."
Joy in the Church, confusion in the chapel,And contradictory clamour everywhere!It may be questioned if the Eris-appleGendered more strife than "Mr.Gladstone'sPair."
Joy in the Church, confusion in the chapel,
And contradictory clamour everywhere!
It may be questioned if the Eris-apple
Gendered more strife than "Mr.Gladstone'sPair."
Mr Punch, fishing
FINIS
LONDON: BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., LD., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.