HARCOURT THE HEADSMAN.

'Hope you backed the Winner?'"My dear Fellow, only too delighted. But you nevertoldme!"

'Hope you backed the Winner?'

"My dear Fellow, only too delighted. But you nevertoldme!"

A Really Big Purchase by a Private Individual, at a very Moderate Figure.—For 260 guineas Mr.W. Agnewpurchased "Lambeth Palace—in the distance." It is no "distance" to speak of, as twopence more will take the purchaser by steam-boat from almost any landing-stage across the river to Lambeth. It should perhaps be added, so as not to frighten the Archbishop ofCanterbury, that in the purchase were included "Old Westminster Bridge (a view of), with State Barges and Boats." The whole Thames-water-colour having been painted in oil byScott. This lot, by GreatScott, went as above-mentioned.

Musical Exercise for Bicyclists.—TryWagner's"'Cycle."

"Wants To Know."—"Dear Sir,—I saw a paragraph in theTimesquite recently headed 'A Confirmed Pickpocket.' I am all for the religious improvement of the dangerous classes, and what I want to know isFirstly, Was the lad a pickpocket before he was confirmed?Secondly, Or, did he become a pickpocket after confirmation?Thirdly, What bishop or curate was responsible for his confirmation? Other questions arise out of this case, but these are enough for the present.

Yours,A Female Searcher."

From Our Own Small Scholar.—"That's where I should like to be," sighedSam Suckerminimus, as in his geography lesson he read the name of Orange Free State. "Fancy, oranges free!!"

The "Revised Edition"—probably to style it "The Revised Version" would savour too much of the Biblical Committee Room—ofAn Artist's Modelnow removed to the Lyric is occasionally "funny," though not absolutely "without being" occasionally "vulgar." Its weakest point is its story, but as the plot only occasionally obtrudes itself upon the audience, the weakest point is, therefore, not worth mentioning, only its strong points, which consist inMarie Tempest'ssinging, but not in what she has to sing, and in MissLetty Lind'smild warbling and charming dancing, which latter thoroughly deserves the hearty encores she obtains, as does also Mr.Farkoa'scapital rendering of an otherwise not particularly brilliant French laughing song. Mr.Eric Lewisand Mr.W. Blakeleyattain great distinction by their clever rendering of nothing in particular.

Mr.Hayden Coffinappears depressed. But comic relief to his sentimental sadness is given by bothLawrance D'Orsay, with as much of the traditionalD'Orsaycourtliness that is left of it, and Mr.Farren Soutar, worthy inheritor of a double talent. Lyrics ofH. Greenbankneat, as they always are; but the compositions of Mr.Sidney Joneswill probably "keep the stage," as it is impossible, at one hearing, at all events, to carry any of it away with you. The "house," on this occasion, excellent; far better than the piece.

["There is a Chinese regiment which enjoys the terrible and glorious appellation of 'The Tiger-Braves.' They are dressed in coats covered with spots to resemble the skin of the animal from which they take their name.... The Government are a regiment of Tiger-Braves."—Mr. Chamberlain at Birmingham.]

Joe, who should know all about "beasts" and "caves,"Now calls his whilom colleagues "Tiger-Braves."Well, his own coat bears strange new Party blots,He is a leopard whohas"changed his spots."

Joe, who should know all about "beasts" and "caves,"

Now calls his whilom colleagues "Tiger-Braves."

Well, his own coat bears strange new Party blots,

He is a leopard whohas"changed his spots."

Delightful Programme.—We see that Mr.Charles Reddieadvertises a morning concert for June 11 at Prince's Hall. The audience will be there, and he will be always "Reddie, aye Reddie." Exhausted after playing, he will re-appear and beReddie-vivus; and, in fact, there is a perfect store of puns on his name which must have frequently occurred to himself as a Reddie-witted person. That he is to be assisted byM. Emil Saureton the violin no one will be Sauret to hear; and thatWilliam Shakespearegives his name and presence on this occasion will make the concert ever memorable. Concert under direction of ubiquitousDaniel Mayer, in himself Mayer and Corporation of musical world.

City Intelligence.—In view of the French President's accepting an invitation from theLord Mayor, the Common Councillors are daily practising a bacchanalian chorus, in harmony, of which the words are:—

"Faure!he's a jolly good fellow,And so say all of us!"

"Faure!he's a jolly good fellow,

And so say all of us!"

Lyceum Advertisement.—"King Arthur"—SirHenry Irving. Knightly performance.

Motto for Earl's Court Exhibition.—Open for "Wheel or Woe!"

Combined Display of all Arms.—Asoirée dansanteduring the season.

"What makes you think he cares for you?""Why, Mamma talked to him for more than an Hour last evening, and he really seemed to enjoy it!"

"What makes you think he cares for you?"

"Why, Mamma talked to him for more than an Hour last evening, and he really seemed to enjoy it!"

One of the reasons for the popularity of Apollinaris Water mentioned the other day at a "meeting of the waters" was, that men generally soon became on such intimate terms with this water-nymph as to be able to speak of her familiarly as "Polly." "Whisky and Polly" seemed to go so well together as to be suggestive of a round dance, in which the admirer of "Polly" was whisky-ing her round the ball-room. The gradual rise of Johannis in public opinion, delayed, of course, in the first place, by politeness on the part of "Johnnie," who must cede thepasto "Polly," is due to the fact that the aërated-water drinkers had not made up their minds as to whether Johannis was to be addressed as "Jo" or "Johnnie." We believe that "Johnnie" is now the accepted appellation. Whether "Johnnie" and "Polly" are on the best terms, this deponent knoweth not; nor is he aware that during the season The Bishop of Bath and Wells or The Bishop of Sodor-water-and-Man will bless the union of "Johnnie" and "Polly," though at one time there was a report to that effect. To alter the title of the old semi-nautical drama,Poll and Partner Joe, of which the second hero was a Water-man, "Poll and her Partner Johnnie" ought to get on well together.

Brown.You're looking extremely well.

Jones.Never fitter!

Brown.Took a run to Paris, eh?

Jones.No. Saw French play, though.

Brown.Went to seaside or river, eh?

Jones.No. Can't stand expensive discomfort. I had some decent boating, though.

Brown.Went for inland scenery?

Jones.No; although I sauntered under noble trees, and got some magnificent views.

Brown.Switzerland? Italy?

Jones.No time for long journeys. I enjoyed fine air, and walked twenty miles a day; studied fine Old Masters, and enjoyed a stroll in a museum which has no equal.

Brown.Really!! Then, in the name of wonder,wherehave you been staying?

Jones.In London.

[Farewells exchanged, and exeunt.

Or, why not "Sir W. G. Grace"?

["Dr.W. G. Grace, whose name has been everywhere of late—except where it might well have been, on the Birthday Honours list."—Times.]

Why not? Great Scott! "The play's the thing,"Before the footlights, round the ringAt Lord's, it little matters,—Easily firstiseasily first!Just fancy what a glorious burstFrom throats aglow with zeal—and thirst—Would hail the Knight of Batters!They've shouted for him many a time,Whose mellow age is still his prime,And others' youth surpasses;But how they'd make the welkin splitIf honours donors had the witTo knight this Hero of the Hit,And favourite of the masses!"The play's the thing." SirHenry IrvingSounds well. Who'll questionhisdeservingWhen 'midst the knights they place it?But here's a player just as greatIn his own field. Why should he wait?However high be knighthood's state,The name ofGracewill grace it!What greater joy to crowds affordsThan the announcement "Graceat Lord's"?What lots of "Lords" and "Graces"Do less than England's W. G.To furnish genuine sport and gleeTo thousands, who still throng to seeHow well he "times" and "places."True, "Thunderer," true! He stands the test.Unmatched, unchallengeable BestAt our best game! Requite him!For thirty years to hold first place,And still, unpassed, keep up the pace,Pleases a stout, sport-loving race.By Jove, "SirWilliam Gilbert Grace"Sounds splendid.Punchsays—"Knight him!"

Why not? Great Scott! "The play's the thing,"

Before the footlights, round the ring

At Lord's, it little matters,—

Easily firstiseasily first!

Just fancy what a glorious burst

From throats aglow with zeal—and thirst—

Would hail the Knight of Batters!

They've shouted for him many a time,Whose mellow age is still his prime,And others' youth surpasses;But how they'd make the welkin splitIf honours donors had the witTo knight this Hero of the Hit,And favourite of the masses!

They've shouted for him many a time,

Whose mellow age is still his prime,

And others' youth surpasses;

But how they'd make the welkin split

If honours donors had the wit

To knight this Hero of the Hit,

And favourite of the masses!

"The play's the thing." SirHenry IrvingSounds well. Who'll questionhisdeservingWhen 'midst the knights they place it?But here's a player just as greatIn his own field. Why should he wait?However high be knighthood's state,The name ofGracewill grace it!

"The play's the thing." SirHenry Irving

Sounds well. Who'll questionhisdeserving

When 'midst the knights they place it?

But here's a player just as great

In his own field. Why should he wait?

However high be knighthood's state,

The name ofGracewill grace it!

What greater joy to crowds affordsThan the announcement "Graceat Lord's"?What lots of "Lords" and "Graces"Do less than England's W. G.To furnish genuine sport and gleeTo thousands, who still throng to seeHow well he "times" and "places."

What greater joy to crowds affords

Than the announcement "Graceat Lord's"?

What lots of "Lords" and "Graces"

Do less than England's W. G.

To furnish genuine sport and glee

To thousands, who still throng to see

How well he "times" and "places."

True, "Thunderer," true! He stands the test.Unmatched, unchallengeable BestAt our best game! Requite him!For thirty years to hold first place,And still, unpassed, keep up the pace,Pleases a stout, sport-loving race.By Jove, "SirWilliam Gilbert Grace"Sounds splendid.Punchsays—"Knight him!"

True, "Thunderer," true! He stands the test.

Unmatched, unchallengeable Best

At our best game! Requite him!

For thirty years to hold first place,

And still, unpassed, keep up the pace,

Pleases a stout, sport-loving race.

By Jove, "SirWilliam Gilbert Grace"

Sounds splendid.Punchsays—"Knight him!"

It seems that the uniform of theShahzada, worn by his Highness on State occasions in England, was designed by a Briton, and consequently is not included in the official garb of the Afghan Army. Presumably the same sartorial artist was responsible forNasrulla's"get up" at the Derby. The son of our ally appeared on that memorable occasion in "a harmony in grey"—grey frock-coat, waistcoat and trousers, with grey fez turban to match. No doubt the head-dress was relieved with a diamond worth £1,000,000, or something of the sort, just to show that our guest was of eastern origin. The following suggestion for complete outfits may be found useful:—

Yachting.—Suit of blue serge, covered with rubies and diamonds. Straw hat, made of golden wire, encrusted with emeralds. Tan shoes, studded with brilliants. Shirt of silver tissue, with collar and cuffs of virgin gold. Telescope of turquoise, with sling of linked Queen Anne's guineas.

Shooting.—Suit of ditto's of gold tissue. Shoulder-guard of diamonds. Deer-stalker of birds of Paradise breast-feathers. Boots of young crocodile leather, embroidered with lapis lazuli.

Private Dinners.—Gold coat and trousers. Silver shirt and waistcoat. Diamond opera hat and overcoat of various precious stones. Handkerchief of woven brilliants. Necktie of antediluvian aluminium at £520 10s.4d.a grain.

M. Alphonse Daudethas gone back to his own country. He is pleased with us on the whole. We have learnt his language and read his books.

We are not so clever or intelligent as the French; but we are more stable of purpose and despise ridicule, and keep ourselves well informed about other countries.L'enfant dit vrai, peut-être!

Our women, however, are inferior to French women, as they lack either beauty or taste: and the less said about their looks and dress the better.Toujours galant, "le petit Chose!" Pécaïré!Tartarinhas surpassed himself; and if he manages to persuade his fair compatriots that he is sincere in this,il aura bien mérité de la patrie; and will recover all his old popularity. Nothing will remain for him but to prove that we lost the Battle of Waterloo, and that the Lord Mayor is a more important person than QueenVictoria. After that, "Aux grands hommes de la France, la Patrie reconnaissante."

TheLatest Edition of "The Chronicles of Holinshed,"written byJohn"of that ilk." HonestJohnis outspoken. His motto is the truth and nothing but the truth—as far as he can recollect it. His memory appears to be good.Johnis Frank.

Dramatic temporary Proverb(adapted for Garrick Theatre).—"When theHareis away theWillardwill play."

INSULARITY."By the way, Raddles, a Russian Prince is coming to Dine with us next week!""Ah, then, Sir, I suppose he ain't o' much account in his own Country?"

"By the way, Raddles, a Russian Prince is coming to Dine with us next week!"

"Ah, then, Sir, I suppose he ain't o' much account in his own Country?"

"To wish is folly, to regret absurd."

That I went out in my new hat and light summer clothes, and did not take my umbrella the only day within the last fortnight when there was an hour's rain.

That I had already accepted an invitation when one to a party that would have been infinitely more pleasant all round subsequently arrived.

That I took that champagne last night, and some other things.

That I left off my winter "things" before summer had set in.

That I returned to my winter "things" just when summer weather did set in.

That I went out to supper and supped heartily.

That I didn't have that tooth out when it first pained me.

That my dentist should take a four days' holiday just when I wanted him badly.

That I put into five sweeps and drew blank.

That I lent a man half-a-sovereign.

That I didn't back the winner.

Commercial and Nautical.—Two City men, twin brothers and partners, in character the very reverse ofCharles Dickens'skind and generousCheerybles, are known as "The Twin Screws."

Whitsuntide.—"Don't stop in! I'll take you out if you'll only come," as the dentist said to the tooth.

Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.

Ritchie Redivivus!(From a sketch picked up near the Front Opposition Bench.)

Ritchie Redivivus!

(From a sketch picked up near the Front Opposition Bench.)

House of Commons, Monday, May, 27.—Ritchieback to-day, after long absence. Changed address from Tower Hamlets to Croydon. Waiting to be called to table bySpeaker, had opportunity of hearing long debate round Bill promoted by London County Council.Ritchie, as President of Local Government Board in last Ministry, made London County Council possible. Happy thought to play him in, as it were, with County Council debate.

"Been out of it nearly three years now,Toby," saidRitchie, when, one of a score of old members, I went to shake hands and bid him welcome; "just the same old place; perhaps a little duller at the moment. What they want is new blood, or, perhaps, better still, a re-infusion of old blood. Can't give them a new County Council Bill; must try and make them somehow sit up."

These thoughts pressed upon him as he stood at table signing Roll of Parliament after having been sworn in. Brought his hat with him, as new Members do, since, as yet, they have no peg to hang it on. Placed it on table whilst he signed the Roll. Passing on to be introduced toSpeaker, observed with a start that there were two hats on the table. Odd. Was sure he had brought only one. Blessed is the man who makes two blades of grass grow where formerly only one peeped forth. Possibly analagous benison for a man who, planting one hat down on a table, looks and behold there are two. Happy omen; make the most of it; wouldn't do to go off with two hats. House sure to remark it. Besides, how could he shake hands with theSpeakerholding a hat in either hand? Next best thing to select the newest; did so with pretty air of abstraction; advanced one step between table and Treasury Bench on way toSpeaker'schair when he felt firm grip on his elbow, and a well known voice in his ear.

"Give me neitherRitchiesnor poverty, but do leave me my hat."

It was the voice of theSquire of Malwood.

"Oh, I beg your pardon. How d'ye do?" saidRitchie, hurriedly returning theSquire'sSunday hat, and taking up his own, which had suffered the rigours of a wet and windy nomination day.

House cheered and laughed.Knatchbull-Hugessengravely shook his head. "That's all very well," said he. "But a man who would pander to the lowest instincts of humanity by clearing the way for parish councils, would do anything."

Business done.—Another night's talk round Welsh Disestablishment Bill.

Tuesday.—Prospect of hearingJohn Williammove adjournment of House over Derby Day, andJohn Lengreply on other side, sufficed to crowd benches. Such encounter of wits rarely delights mankind these degenerate days. Such lightness of touch! Such gleaming attack! Such brilliant defence! In short, such badinage! Such persiflage! Old Members recall earlier conflicts in same field. Young Members look back on clever speech made byElchoin moving adjournment one year, capped by equally brilliant speech when, in the following Session, he secondedWilfrid Lawsonon the negative course.This and all else would be excelled whenJohn Williambegan to jest, andLengmade light reply.

Cromwell."BrotherJoseph, BrotherJoseph, for a Roundhead I find thee in strange company!""But what a pity it is that we cannot revive Oliver Cromwell in the flesh, and not only in marble."Mr. Chamberlain's Speech at Birmingham, May 29.

Cromwell."BrotherJoseph, BrotherJoseph, for a Roundhead I find thee in strange company!"

"But what a pity it is that we cannot revive Oliver Cromwell in the flesh, and not only in marble."

Mr. Chamberlain's Speech at Birmingham, May 29.

This was natural expectation from reputation of these famous wits. In dreary conversation that followed there was one solitary flicker of humour; it was discovered by anxious searcher in the circumstance that the whole business was utterly, hopelessly prosaic. There wasn't a laugh in it from beginning to end. House begins to think it has had enough of this elaborate annual tourney of humour. Next year, if motion for adjournment over Derby Day is made, it will be better to have question put forthwith, and so divide. Another experience like the exceedingly bad half-hour endured this afternoon is more than should fall to the lot of a single generation.

Business done.—House agreed by 221 votes against 174 that it could not afford to take a holiday. Straightway proceeded to waste remainder of sitting in vain repetition of argument round clauses of Welsh Disestablishment Bill.

Thursday.—Well forPrince Arthurhe chanced to be absent to-night when Cap'enTommy Bowleshauled alongsideSilomioand raked him fore and aft.Kenyon, who knows more than you think when you hear him speak, tells me it is pretty certain when the next Government is formedSilomiowill have his choice of succeeding eitherEdward GreyorSydney Buxton. Neither office is of Cabinet rank. But with the chief in the Lords, a statesman ofSilomio'sability and sagacity can make and keep a position equal in importance and influence to some more highly placed. No one will deny that the promotion will have been well earned. The Sheffield Knight has, perhaps, been more prominently associated with the conduct of Colonial affairs than with those nominally directed by LordKimberleywith the assistance ofEdward Grey. This is a view strengthened by the circumstance of the honourable title conferred upon him by the emissaries from Swaziland. Actually,Silomioknows quite as much of Foreign Affairs as he does of Colonial.

To-night, on Vote on Account, he concentrated his attention on the action of the Foreign Office. Surveying its operations from China to Peru, he was constrained unreservedly to condemn them. Everywhere the British Minister had truckled to the foreigner. The flag of England, which the emigrants in theMayflowerproudly carried with them even in their exile, was dragged through every gutter of foreign capitals.

"There never was a time," saidSilomio, "when this country was so isolated among the nations of Europe."

This grand speech echoed through nearly empty House.Prince Arthurand his colleagues on Front Opposition Bench, as usual, paid their distinguished colleague the highest compliment. They knew he would say the right thing in the right way, at the right time. Whilst he kept the gate no traitor could pass, no harm befall a beloved country. So, with one accord, they went off, leavingCasabianca Silomioto tread alone the deck, burning with his eloquence.

On the benches behind sat onlyTomlinson, who sometimes wishesPrince Arthurhad a little more ofSilomio'sgo;Knatchbull-Hugessenwho doesn't think the Knight is quite the model of a country gentleman, but likes to hear him shout at the Government; and Cap'enTommy Bowles, wearing his best Sunday ducks in honour of a sultry day that reminds him faintly of breathless moments spent in the Forties in the Bight of Benin.

An Authority on Heraldry!(Mr. Eg-rt-n All-n.)

An Authority on Heraldry!

(Mr. Eg-rt-n All-n.)

Silomiosat down and mopped the shining top of his patriotic head with a handkerchief hemmed in Germany. The Cap'en, catching the Chairman's eye with the hook that serves in place of the strong right hand cut off by the flashing blade of the Moor whose feluccaTommywas boarding under the impression it was a ferry-boat, sprang to his feet. "Unthinking diatribes," he calledSilomio'snoble speech; lamented the effect upon foreign powers of its delivery "by a responsible leader of the party"; and said much else that would have shocked the House had Members chanced to be present.Prince Arthur, who so acutely felt, and so bitterly resented,George Russell'srecent sneer at the Patriot Knight, was spared the anguish of the moment by that carefully concerted movement which, happily, callsSilomio'scolleagues off the Front Bench when he is about to discourse on Foreign Affairs.

Business done.—Vote on Account agreed to.

Friday.—House met to wind up business previous to Whitsun recess.Alpheus Cleophas, always considerate, been thinking over ways of enjoying the holiday. Struck him nothing would be nicer than free admission for M.P.'s and their friends to witness process of vivisection. Put the matter beforeHome Secretaryin his genial way.Asquithvery sorry, but has no power to give the desired admission.Alpheus Cleophasa little depressed, but went off with the consciousness that he had at least done his best.

"There is no enterprise in these people,Toby," he complained. "We in London are much behind the age. We haven't here what in Paris is, I believe, called the Mor-gew: a nice, quiet place to turn into when you are out holiday-making. I have my own resources. When house is shut and I can't go about the basement and cellars smelling out the oil lamps, I sit on edge of fountain in Trafalgar Square and sniff its balmy waters. Everyone not equally independent. If we had only about the parks and in the thoroughfares places open to the respectable public where they might see vivisection going on, we should be a happier nation."

Business done.—House adjourned for the Whitsun recess. Back again June 10.

Oh dear, what can the matter be?R-s-b-rydoesn't seem hearty.'Tis very well winning the Derby "Blue Ribbon,"Butthatwill not bind up—our Party!

Oh dear, what can the matter be?

R-s-b-rydoesn't seem hearty.

'Tis very well winning the Derby "Blue Ribbon,"

Butthatwill not bind up—our Party!

Nasrulla Khan.—On the Sunday immediately following his uncommonly fatiguing first day in town, theShahzadawas requested to visit the Zoo. Wire from Porcupine, who, on account of his splendid set of quills, acts as Secretary to the Zoo Society, ran thus:—"Will Khan visit Zoo?" Exhausted Receiver's reply brief but to the point, exhibiting fine mastery of English language, "Khan can't."

Classic Title for Dr. Grace.—"The Centurion."

Transcriber Notes:Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of the speakers. Those words were retained as-is.The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate.Errors in punctuation and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected unless otherwise noted.On page 267, a period was added after "sufferers from insomnia".On page 267, "litte" was replaced with "little".On page 273, "Lind s" was replaced with "Lind's".On page 275, a single quotation mark was replaced with a double quotation mark before "Ah, then, Sir, I suppose".On page 275, a single quotation mark was replaced with a double quotation mark after "Oh, I beg your pardon. How d'ye do?".On page 275, "nea" was replaced with "near".

Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of the speakers. Those words were retained as-is.

The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate.

Errors in punctuation and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected unless otherwise noted.

On page 267, a period was added after "sufferers from insomnia".

On page 267, "litte" was replaced with "little".

On page 273, "Lind s" was replaced with "Lind's".

On page 275, a single quotation mark was replaced with a double quotation mark before "Ah, then, Sir, I suppose".

On page 275, a single quotation mark was replaced with a double quotation mark after "Oh, I beg your pardon. How d'ye do?".

On page 275, "nea" was replaced with "near".

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