A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.Nervous Youth."Well—er—good-bye, Mrs. Thomas. Awfully glad I met you! Er—so good of you—so much pleasanter than Riding alone!"[Shuts up.
Nervous Youth."Well—er—good-bye, Mrs. Thomas. Awfully glad I met you! Er—so good of you—so much pleasanter than Riding alone!"
[Shuts up.
(An Anglo-Nicaraguan Parallel.)
The young Midshipman looked towards Corinto. The public buildings were still within range of the monster guns. The select army of one hundred and fifty had retired before the advance of the blue jackets and marines. All was tranquil, and, as he gazed upon the Nicaraguan capital, his eyes closed, and he dreamed a dream.
He was once more in England. He was at the seaside. Here in front of him were bathing-machines. There, to his right, was a circulating library. He could see a clock-tower and a shortened pier. Then he laughed in his glee. He was at Herne Bay! Close to the Isle of Thanet—within sight of the Reculvers!
He had scarcely realised his happiness, when he noticed on the ocean a flotilla. Three gigantic ironclads were approaching the tranquil town!
"The Nicaraguan fleet!" he murmured in his sleep.
It, alas! was too true! The Central American Admiral had sent an ultimatum. The news had run from one end of Herne Bay to the other that, unless the sum demanded were paid at once, the as-yet-unconquered watering-place would be "ploughed," as the PoetBunnwould have put it, "by the hoof of the ruthless invader."
Then there was a hurried consultation. What could be done with that overpowering fleet? It was useless to defend the bathing-machines; the donkeys and their drivers were no match for heavy ordnance. What could the few coast-guardsmen do when threatened by five hundred Nicaraguans?
"Herne Bay must surrender!" murmured the Midshipman in his sleep. "There is no help for it."
And then came a strange sight. The search-lights of the Nicaraguan fleet played upon the sea front, and the little garrison of Herne Bay retired towards Birchington and Margate. The Band (lent from the Militia) marched away, followed by the heavy cavalry of the bathers, and the Uhlan-like donkeys of the sands. The representatives of the Navy (carrying their look-out telescopes) brought up the rear.
Then, when all had gone, the sailors and marines of the Nicaraguan fleet landed. The British flag was hauled down, and replaced by the colours of the enemy.
Herne Bay was conquered!
At this point the Midshipman awoke with a start. He looked round, and sighed a great sigh of relief.
"How fortunate it is that the English fleet have conquered Corinto and not the Nicaraguan fleet Herne Bay!" he cried in an ecstacy of patriotic fervour. Then he performed for hours the duties of his command. Towards the close of day he again casually glanced at Corinto and once more was involuntarily reminded of Herne Bay. And as he gazed upon the Central American town he came to the conclusion that it was about as formidable and about as well defended as the Kentish watering-place. And having arrived at this opinion he determined in his own mind that the taking of Corinto, as a feat of arms, was scarcely on a par with the Victory of Trafalgar.
(On his Seventieth Birthday.)
ToMannsof Crystal Palace fame,Punchsends his kindly greeting.The ever keen, the never tame,Time may he long be beating(For Time it seems cannot beat him).Time's darts may he resist allWithbâtonbrisk and eyes un-dim.Beneath that dome of Crystal—For many a year! And decades hencePunchhopes it may befa' thatHe'll shout, before that choir immense,"AManns'a Man for a' that!"
ToMannsof Crystal Palace fame,Punchsends his kindly greeting.The ever keen, the never tame,Time may he long be beating(For Time it seems cannot beat him).Time's darts may he resist allWithbâtonbrisk and eyes un-dim.Beneath that dome of Crystal—For many a year! And decades hencePunchhopes it may befa' thatHe'll shout, before that choir immense,"AManns'a Man for a' that!"
ToMannsof Crystal Palace fame,
Punchsends his kindly greeting.
The ever keen, the never tame,
Time may he long be beating
(For Time it seems cannot beat him).
Time's darts may he resist all
Withbâtonbrisk and eyes un-dim.
Beneath that dome of Crystal—
For many a year! And decades hence
Punchhopes it may befa' that
He'll shout, before that choir immense,
"AManns'a Man for a' that!"
A Classic Candidate.—Mr.Homerin West Dorset is the Independent Farmers' Candidate. He is, of course, more than a positive "Home Ruler," being a comparative hopeful "HomerRuler." But surely the language ofHomermust be Greek to most of his hearers, even at Bridport, and in view of thepoluphoisboio thalasses.
(On the Humdrum Budget.)
Just "As you were"! Ingenious, fair,And all that, I've no doubt;But titled swells you do not scare,Nor rich monopolists flout.I tolerate where I would praise.Reformisa slow grower!Myspirits,Will, it will not raise,To seeyourspirits lower!Free Breakfast Table? Graduation?—Chances seem getting fewer:WellWill, my only consolationIs this—you've "copped the brewer!"
Just "As you were"! Ingenious, fair,And all that, I've no doubt;But titled swells you do not scare,Nor rich monopolists flout.I tolerate where I would praise.Reformisa slow grower!Myspirits,Will, it will not raise,To seeyourspirits lower!Free Breakfast Table? Graduation?—Chances seem getting fewer:WellWill, my only consolationIs this—you've "copped the brewer!"
Just "As you were"! Ingenious, fair,
And all that, I've no doubt;
But titled swells you do not scare,
Nor rich monopolists flout.
I tolerate where I would praise.
Reformisa slow grower!
Myspirits,Will, it will not raise,
To seeyourspirits lower!
Free Breakfast Table? Graduation?—
Chances seem getting fewer:
WellWill, my only consolation
Is this—you've "copped the brewer!"
In the title of his new book, "Anthony Hope" has taken the Romanprénomwhich evidently by right belonged to him. There is no comma, nor introduction of "by," and so straight off we read in golden letters on the back, "A Man of Mark Anthony Hope." O BraveMark Anthony! His readers have great faith inHope.
Parliamentary.—The nearest approach to a dead-lock is a live (J. G.)Weir.
Is Mr.Hitchcock's"Flight into Egypt" a view of Dartmoor? and what are all those blue flowers? Borage, blue currants, corn-flowers, "new broom," gorse dyed blue for this occasion only, or what? I have been offered all these random suggestions by distinguished critics, but they somehow don't seem convincing.
Why are the competitors in the charming swimming-match between Mermaids and Tritons so remarkablydryin the upper parts? I always get decidedly damp when I enter the sea, but these ladies take to it like ducks—"Dux fœmina facti" (as said an ancient poet in anticipation)—and so I suppose the water rolls off their backs.
Will "Her First Offering" of grass and daisies go far towards softening the heart of a statuette? Her sister, last year, had a much more tempting "Gift for the Gods," but there is no accounting for divinities' tastes.
What does Mr.Kpoffnh—dear me, I cannotget his name right?—mean by "Sous les Arbres?" Is it a man or a statue, a spook or a symbol? Why does he wear a marble wig? Why does his brown hair show underneath it? Why has he got a wall eye? Why is he "under the trees?" Why is he at large at all? Why—— But there, I give it up! I don't believe there are any answers to these conundrums!
How is it I've been looking at "Kit" for two whole minutes before realising that there's a Persian cat in the composition? But she's a real beauty, when youdocoax her out of this "puzzle picture."
Why (this is no new query!) have SirEdward Burne-Jones'Luciferians and Sleeping Beauties and peeresses and children and brides one and all the same world-weary expression? Why do they, without exception, look as if they were off to a funeral, or had just seen themselves in the glass? Are there no other colours in the land but dull green, steel-blue, ink-purple, and brick-red? Why do I immediately want to commit suicide after studying these masterpieces? Why doesn't Psyche cheer up a bit, even though sheisgoing to be married?Shewasn't aνέα γυνή, I'm sure!
Why does the dog in Mr.Holman Hunt'spicture look as if it had softening of the brain? and why do I pass on hurriedly to the next picture?
Will MissRehan'sleft shoulder hold up her dress much longer, I wonder, in Mr.Sargent'sportrait? I don't know, but Ihavefears!
Is the lady in Mrs.Swynnerton's"Sense of Sight" preparing to catch a cricket ball, or cutting an acquaintance, or going to recite something? Ishouldlike to know.
Why couldn't some enterprising dentist supply the ladies in "Echoes" with false teeth, and why weren't they taken away quietly home, and not allowed to exhibit their other anatomical innovations? Echo answers to these and all my queries, "Why, indeed?"
A PROGNOSIS.A PROGNOSIS."By the way, Doctor, the 'New Woman,' don'tcherknow—what'llshebe like, when she's grown old?""My dear Colonel,she'll never grow old!""Great Scott! You don't mean to say she's going to last for ever!""She won't even last out the Century! She's got every Malady under the Sun!"
"By the way, Doctor, the 'New Woman,' don'tcherknow—what'llshebe like, when she's grown old?"
"My dear Colonel,she'll never grow old!"
"Great Scott! You don't mean to say she's going to last for ever!"
"She won't even last out the Century! She's got every Malady under the Sun!"
TheRock Dovedon't pooh-pooh,A dove can make acoup;The odds? You yet may nobble 'em.'Tis four to one'GainstSon of a Gun,ButEuclidis a problem.
TheRock Dovedon't pooh-pooh,A dove can make acoup;The odds? You yet may nobble 'em.'Tis four to one'GainstSon of a Gun,ButEuclidis a problem.
TheRock Dovedon't pooh-pooh,
A dove can make acoup;
The odds? You yet may nobble 'em.
'Tis four to one
'GainstSon of a Gun,
ButEuclidis a problem.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, April 29.—WhenMr. Toots, in agony of perturbed bashfulness, sat down onFlorence Dombey'sbest bonnet, he murmured, "Oh, it's of no consequence."Squire of Malwooddoes not resembleMr. Tootsin any respect, not even that of bashfulness. But he has a way, when taking important move, of studiously investing it with appearance of "no consequence." Thus to-night, asking for lion's share of time for remaining portion of Session, he could hardly bring himself to uplift his voice: mumbled over phrases; coughed at conjunctions; half paralysed by prepositions; looked round with pained astonishment when Members behind cried, "Speak up!" Why should he trouble to speak up on so immaterial a matter? Still, to oblige, he would say all he wanted was to take for Government purposes, for rest of Session, all the time of House, save the inconvenient Wednesday afternoon sitting, and the inconsiderable Friday night.
More marked this cultured mannerism when announcing immediate introduction of Bill prohibiting plural voting. This a genuine surprise. Not been talked of since House met. Nobody thinking of it.Squirein almost whisper announced its introduction to-morrow. Astonished beyond measure at commotion created; the boisterous cheers of Liberals, the uneasy laughter of Opposition.
"Most remarkable place this House of Commons," he said afterwards, gazing over my head into the infinite horizon, where shadowy figure of Local Veto Bill is visible to the eye of faith. "Always full of surprises even for old practitioners like you and me."
Prince Arthur, much relishing this subtle humour, was himself in sprightliest mood. The whole business of Session, he protested, was an elaborate joke. If they were there to work, he would take off his coat and ding on with the best of them. But they were there to play. "Well, let us play," he said, holding out both hands with gesture of invitation to Treasury Bench.
Proposal irresistible. House divided forthwith;Squire'smotion carried by majority of 22; then, whilst half a dozen naval men talked water-tube boiler,Prince Arthur, Squire of Malwood, and picked company from either side went out behindSpeaker'sChair to play. Such larks! To seePrince Arthurtake in a stride "the backs" given him by theSquire of Malwood, withCawmel-Bannermannext; to seeJohn Morleyseriously whipping a top; to watchBrycebreathless behind the nimble hoop; to look on whileEdward Grey, forgetful of China and Japan, thinking nothing of Nicaragua, played a game of marbles withHart Dyke; to seeLockwoodtrying a spurt withDick Webster, the course being twice round the Division Lobby,Asquith, fresh from the Cab-arbitration, having handicapped them—to see this, and much else, was a spectacle wholesome for those engaged in it, interesting for the solitary spectator.
Business done.—Shipbuilding Vote in Navy Estimates agreed to.
Tuesday.—Odd thing that on this particular night, when Government bring in Bill prohibiting plurality of voting,Billshould bring in a Bill. His first and only Bill. Of course he might argue if we have one man one vote, oneBillone Bill is all right. Yes; but, asSarkwith his keen mathematical instinct points out, this is a case of two Bills—Bill, the Member for Leek, and a Bill to empower magistrates to prohibit the sale of intoxicating liquors to persons previously convicted of drunkenness. That is obviously a plurality of Bills. But we are getting hopelessly mixed. The only man among us who sees clear isJohn William. Deep pathos in his voice as he says the time is near at hand when a tyrannical Government will attempt to enforce principle of "One Man One Drink."
Cap'en Tommy Bowles.Cap'en Tommy Bowles.
Cap'en Tommy Bowles.
Cap'enTommy Bowleshad best of dreary evening. Mentioned yesterday, with tears from his honest blue eyes coursing down hisrugged, weather-beaten cheek, fresh infamy on part ofSquire of Malwood. Had announced on Thursday that, at Monday's sitting, Naval Works Loan Bill would be proceeded with.Tommyaccordingly clewed up, and ran for port; laying to for forty-eight hours, prepared speech on Naval Works. NowSquirecalmly announced that Shipbuilding Vote was to be taken. What wasTommyto do with speech prepared on Naval Works Loans?
In despair yesterday; to-day bright idea struck him.Shaw-Lefevrehad moved to introduce One Man One Vote Bill. Why shouldn'tTommy, flying that flag, run in and deliver his speech on Naval Works? A bold experiment; only hope of success was that House, being in almost comatose state, wouldn't notice ruse if cleverly managed. TrustTommyfor clever management. Holding sheaf of notes firmly in left hand, deftly turning them over with the hook that serves him for right hand, the old salt read his speech on Naval Works Loan Bill. Here and there, when he observed restless movement in any part of House, fired off phrase about "forty-shilling freeholder," "occupation votes," "rural constituencies," "re-distribution," "country going to the dogs," "jerrymandering," and "right hon. gentleman opposite." Scheme worked admirably; speech reeled off, andSquire of Malwood'sknavish trick confounded.
Business done.—One Man One Vote Bill brought in.
Thursday.—House not to be moved to evidence of excitement even by prospect of Budget night. On such occasion in ordinary times attendance at prayer-time most encouraging to Chaplain. Begins to think that at last his ministrations are bearing fruit. This afternoon congregation not much above average. No rush for tickets for seats. WhenSquirerose to open his statement, great gaps below Gangway on Ministerial side. TheSquire, recognising situation, refrained from heroics, content to deliver plain business speech. No exordium; no peroration; no flight into empyrean heights of eloquence as was the wont of Mr. G. Some sympathetic movement whenSquire, with momentarily increased briskness of manner, spoke of snap of cold weather in February, with its accompaniment of influenza, increased death-rate, and fuller flow of death duties into National coffers. The quality of this mercy was not quite unstrained. Not dropping, like the gentle dew from heaven, till February, increased death rates will not come into account till succeeding year. Still, there was rum. As thermometer fell rum went up with a rush.
Fifteen men on a dead man's chest.High ho! and a bottle of rum.
Fifteen men on a dead man's chest.High ho! and a bottle of rum.
Fifteen men on a dead man's chest.
High ho! and a bottle of rum.
What with comforting the mourners, and imbibed as a preventive, rum brought a windfall of £100,000 into the Treasury.
That was well in its way. But then there were those 75,000 mean-spirited people who ought to have died last year, their estates paying tribute toChancellor of Exchequer, and who positively insisted upon living. The long-trained fortitude of theSquirenearly broke down when he mentioned this circumstance. Pretty to see how it also touchedJokim. The wounds of riven friendship temporarily closed up; the rivalry of recent years forgotten in contemplation of these 75,000 reckless, ruthless people, who, in defiance of law of average, didn't die in financial year ending March 31, 1895. The pastChancellor of Exchequerand his successor in office mingled their tears. But for intervention of table they would probably have flung themselves into each other's arms and sobbed aloud.
"Thus," saidPrince Arthur, himself not unaffected by the scene, "doth one touch of nature make Chancellors of the Exchequer kin."
Business done.—Budget brought in.
Friday Night.—Alpheus Cleophassubmitted proposal to dock payment of £10,000 annuity to Duke ofCoburg. Thinks H.R.H. might, in circumstances, get along nicely without it.Sage Of Queen Anne's Gateagrees.T. H. Boltonparty, on the other hand, gravely differs. Folding his arms as was his wont on eve of Austerlitz, he regardsAlpheus Cleophaswith awful frown. Imperial instincts naturally wounded. "No trifling with the personal revenues of our Royal cousins, whether at home or abroad," saidT. H. Boltonpartyin the voice of thunder that once reverberated across the shivering chasms of the Alps.
Business done.—Proposal to cut off Duke ofCoburg'spension negatived by 193 votes against 72.
From the Representative of Her Britannic Majesty's Government to the —— Minister for Foreign Affairs.
January 1, 18-0.
I have the honour to inform your Excellency that I am instructed by the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs that Her Britannic Majesty's Government has reason to complain of the conduct of the Government of which your Excellency is the representative. I have the honour to say that it will be advisable for your Excellency to urge upon the Government of which your Excellency is the representative the necessity of inquiry into the matter as speedily as possible. I have further the honour to add that it will be gratifying to Her Britannic Majesty's Government if the Government of which your Excellency is a representative will give the matter to which I refer the earliest attention.
From the Representative, &c., to the —— Minister, &c.
January 1, 18-1.
I have the honour to call the attention of your Excellency to the long and unsatisfactory correspondence that has passed during the last year between your Excellency as representing the Government of which you are the representative and the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs upon the matter of the despatch I had the honour to forward to your Excellency dated January 1, 18-0. I am directed to have the honour of requesting your Excellency to urge upon the Government of which your Excellency is a representative the necessity of a speedy settlement of the matter in dispute.
From the Representative, &c., to the —— Minister, &c.
January 1, 18-2.
I have again the honour to call the attention of your Excellency to, &c. &c.
(Rather longer than the foregoing one. Then follow two more "from the same to the same" in 18-3 and 18-4. This is the first way.)
(Rather longer than the foregoing one. Then follow two more "from the same to the same" in 18-3 and 18-4. This is the first way.)
From British Admiral to —— Minister.
January 1, 18-5, 12Noon.
If you don't pay up within a quarter of an hour, I will bombard your capital, seize your country, and imprison the Government of which you are the representative.
From —— Minister, &c., to British Admiral.
January 1, 18-5, 12.10P.M.
Don't fire. Have sent money demanded by P.O.O.
'Tis to the "New National Party," 'tis clear,ThatChamberlainswears his affiance.The Triple Alliance? Why, no, 'twould appearThe third, and predominant partner, is Beer,So let's call it "TheTippleAlliance."
'Tis to the "New National Party," 'tis clear,ThatChamberlainswears his affiance.The Triple Alliance? Why, no, 'twould appearThe third, and predominant partner, is Beer,So let's call it "TheTippleAlliance."
'Tis to the "New National Party," 'tis clear,
ThatChamberlainswears his affiance.
The Triple Alliance? Why, no, 'twould appear
The third, and predominant partner, is Beer,
So let's call it "TheTippleAlliance."
Our Booking-Office.—To all, and especially to all travellers, on account of its portable size, the Baron begs to recommend a charming novelette written byGuy Boothaby, entitledA Lost Endeavour, published byDentof Aldine House. When Mr.Guy Boothabybrings out another story equal to this, the Baron will be delighted to draw public attention to it by saying, "Here's anotherGuy—Boothaby."
An awful Monster recently let out in a Church!—A second-hand sermon with eight heads.
Motto for the Lord Chief Justice.—"Quantum snuff."