Workman - Old LadyWorkman(politely, to old Lady, who has accidentally got into a Smoking Compartment). "You don't object to my Pipe, I 'ope, Mum?"Old Lady."Yes, Idoobject, very strongly!"Workman."Oh! Then out you get!!"
Workman(politely, to old Lady, who has accidentally got into a Smoking Compartment). "You don't object to my Pipe, I 'ope, Mum?"Old Lady."Yes, Idoobject, very strongly!"Workman."Oh! Then out you get!!"
Workman(politely, to old Lady, who has accidentally got into a Smoking Compartment). "You don't object to my Pipe, I 'ope, Mum?"
Old Lady."Yes, Idoobject, very strongly!"
Workman."Oh! Then out you get!!"
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
To recommendLyre and Lancetto readers ofPunchis to preach to the converted, and, as SirWilliam Harcourtsaid when he opened his election campaign in Derby, that is a work of supererogation. There is, however, this new thing to be said, thatSmith, Elder & Co., including the work in their Novel Series, have presented it in dainty form, and have preserved Mr.Partridge'sillustrations. My Baronite has read it through again with increased admiration for the perilous audacity of the plot, the skill with which it is worked out, and the many felicities of the phrasing. It would be so easy to spoil it by a coarse or slovenly touch. In no scene of the breathless drama does Mr.Anstey'shand forget its cunning.
The larger number of the verses that make up the little volumeSmith, Elder & Co.publish under the titleTillers of the Sandhave, Mr.Owen Seamanstates in his preface, appeared in theNational Observer. Whilst they are above the average of the cleverness of that really smart journal, they are tainted by its besetting sin. Purporting to present "a fitful record of theRoseberyAdministration," the recorder finds it all very bad. This is hard on the late Government, but it is harder still on the clever versifier. True art requires light and shade, and here is none. Appearing week by week the pungent admixtures were passable, were even titillating. But the monotony of vituperation, however cleverly compounded, grows a little wearisome, even in a volume that does not much exceed a hundred pages. My Baronite likes best "The Lament of the Macgregor," not because its literary style is more masterly than that of its companion verse, but because its fun is less acrid. The rest, with significant exception of two pieces that appeared in these pages, is too hotly spiced withAshmead-Bartlettismto please one who looks to Mr.Seamanfor the wine of scholarly verse and finds the vinegar of election squibs.
The Baron de B.-W.
Shakspeare on the recent R. A. Elections.
Onslow Ford, Sculptor, R. A.W. B. Richmond, Painter, R. A."Good MasterFord, be contented."Merry Wives of Windsor, Act III., Scene 3."ForRichmond'sgood."Richard the Third, Act V., Scene 3.
Mrs. Gamp on "Local Option."—"I never could have kep myself up but for a little drain of spirits, which I seldom touches, but could always wish to know where to find, if so dispoged."—Martin Chuzzlewit, c. xlvi.
The case of slandering MajorRasch, M.P., was dismissed on defendantTurptendering apology and paying costs. Rash on the part ofTurp, but the case was settled in a Rashional way.
To Mr. A. F. Mummery.—The Recollections of his foreignClimbs in the Alps and Caucasusmight suggest to the author a new work to be entitled "Pleasant Mummeries." Of course nothing to do with amateur acting, or with MissMiln'sStrolling Players in the East.
EXTINCTEXTINCT!!Some interesting Specimens recently added to the Parliamentary Museum of the Past!(By Mr. Punch's Own Prehistoric Artist.)
EXTINCT!!
Some interesting Specimens recently added to the Parliamentary Museum of the Past!
(By Mr. Punch's Own Prehistoric Artist.)
THE FORCE OF HABITTHE FORCE OF HABIT.Miss Diana(a novice). "Oh, Jack, I'm certain this Thing is going to shy at those horrid Pigs! Do you mind leading it past?"
THE FORCE OF HABIT.
Miss Diana(a novice). "Oh, Jack, I'm certain this Thing is going to shy at those horrid Pigs! Do you mind leading it past?"
THE LAST PAGE OF SOMEBODY'S DIARY.
(Picked up in the neighbourhood of Dorchester House)
Before leaving England I finish this book. I have seen much and would have liked to see more. It was a great disappointment to me that the Polytechnic had changed its character. It was the dream of my childhood to be present at a lecture "Illustrated with brilliant experiments." Still the British Museum was a very good substitute. Then I was pleased with the Imperial Institute, and appreciatedStrauss'sband. Although I have yet to learn what the latter had to do with the spread of the British Dominion. And I was delighted with the State Balls and the Ascot races. I was pleased, too, with my visit to the Board School. And there seemed to be much doing in the Houses of Parliament. But what struck me most of all was the great prosperity I noticed everywhere. There is no poverty in England. All is rich. Everyone is great. There are none who are not powerful; it is marvellous, but true. I should like to return to this great country to learn a little more. I have not yet seen a paper printed. I have not dined at the table of those who are responsible for the gaiety of nations. I have not watched the manufacture of a clock. I have not examined waxworks. I have not risen in the air in a balloon, nor sunk below the level of the sea in a diving-bell. But all this pleasure can wait till I pay England a second visit. And I am pleased to find that certain places are myths, the more especially as these places were said to be "disgraces to civilization." There is no East End. There are no prisons. Poverty is a word that has become obsolete. Everyone is satisfied. A strike never happens because all Englishmen are contented. This is the lesson that I have learned at the hands of the great British Government. It is strange, but undoubtedly true, that the English nation has no "seamy side." So I leave the country of prosperous content with a salaam of heart-felt respect. And now for Paris, with its wicked distractions. I hope I may survive. In the meanwhile Britannia, Brave, Brilliant, Beautiful and Beneficial, farewell!
P.S.—Always supposing I can overcome my terror ofmalade de mer.
Highly Probable.—For a draught of a new Irish policy the present Government is pretty sure to return to the Old Butt.
THE ELECTION PLEASANT PHRASE BOOK.
(For the use of Unpopular Candidates expected to accept attacks "good-naturedly.")
I am much obliged to you for the unsavoury egg.
Pray do not apologise for breaking my arm with a stone three inches in diameter.
Thanks for that pail of mud emptied over my head and hat.
It is really capital fun being pelted with gravel.
Never mind having smashed my dog-cart and killed the horse attached to it.
Really, dodging this storm of bludgeons is the most amusing occupation imaginable.
Never mind having crushed my skull, as I really wanted a chance to give a good turn to the local doctor.
Finally, I would willingly acknowledge all these little humours of a contested election in a spirit of genial amiability had you not unfortunately broken my jaw and reduced me to a condition of semi-insensibility.
GOOD NEWS, AND STRANGE TOO!
The Northern Railway Company of France, as theDaily Telegraphinforms us, has decided to spend four millions of francs in improving its rolling-stock. This move ought to send up all its "stock" in the market. Also there is to be a train of an entirely new pattern, replete with every convenience, running in correspondence with the London Chatham and Dover Company's most convenient continental service. This is first-class (and second also) news for persons about to travel. TheD. T.further says that "the adoption of bogies will make the running easy." Good gracious! The cutting and running would come quite naturally to most of the passengers on beholding only one "bogey"; but when it comes to "bogies," there would be a general stampede! Very kind of the Northern to "adopt" bogies. Some poor little orphan bogies, left at the door of a Bogey-Foundling Hospital, deserted by their ghostly and unnatural parents, but "adopted" by the spirited Great Northern of France! "Hush! Hush, Hush, it is the Bogey Train!" But no tricks on travellers, spirited Great Northern of France.
ROUNDABOUT READINGS.
I spoke last week of the General Election, more particularly with regard to its influence on the speakers who take part in it. A treatise on this aspect of the matter has yet to be written. One of the main points to be determined will be the amount of influence exercised by the speech, not on its hearers, but on the speaker himself.
Nothing is more remarkable than the rapidity and definiteness with which a speaker's opinions crystallise during the course of a speech. Let us assume, for example, that a Radical candidate has been approached on the subject of an Eight Hours Bill, and, in order to gain time, has promised to deal with it in his next speech, at the same time giving an assurance of general sympathy. Probably he has not thought much about the question before. In the evening he will speak upon it; and suddenly, to his own intense surprise, he will find himself declaring that all legislation will be vain, all social effort fruitless, until the load of toil that presses on the mass of his fellow-countrymen is lightened, and a universal Eight Hours Bill is carried through both Houses.
Or again, a Conservative is confronted with the question of old-age pensions. Precisely the same process takes place, and under the necessity of convincing himself, while endeavouring to convince and to please his audience, he will vow never to cease his efforts in support of Mr.Chamberlainuntil a general system of State pensions for the aged is established throughout the United Kingdom.
Sir WilliamSir William cultivates the "Celtic Fringe."
Sir William cultivates the "Celtic Fringe."
So it is with votes of thanks and laudatory speeches of all kinds. If you have to move a vote of thanks to A., a politician whom you do not specially admire, the odds are about ten to one that you will describe him as a great statesman, a profound thinker, an eloquent orator, and the man of the future. All this may be due to your having embarked on a rhetorical period which required more words than you had prepared yourself to supply; and in the agitation of filling up the gap, and rounding off the period, you say what you had not the remotest intention of saying when you got on to your legs. Hence come in after years parallel columns, and aggravating charges of inconsistency.
It was roses, roses all the way. But that was some time ago in the case of Mr.Isaac Hoyle, late Liberal Member for the Heywood Division of Lancashire. He was asked to support Mr.Snapethe Liberal Candidate at this election, but he refused to "take any part in sending Mr.Snapeto Parliament, charged with duties for which, as I think, his votes show he has no qualification." The receipt of this letter caused the greatest excitement in the Division, and at the Heywood Reform Club Mr.Hoyle'sportrait has been smashed to pieces and thrown out of the building. It is stated also that his subscriptions are being returned. Clearly a case of adding Hoyle to the flames of controversy.
Mr.Thomas Milvain, the Conservative who vainly endeavoured to oust SirWilfrid Lawsonfrom the Cockermouth Division, was once a great boxer—a heavy-weight champion amongst amateurs, if my memory serves me. In the course of his late contest he addressed a hostile meeting at Dearham. Many questions were put to him. One was, "What weight was ta when thoo was a boxer?" Mr.Milvain'sanswer was, "I was 13 st. 8 lb. That was twenty-eight years ago, and I have not had the gloves on since." (Laughter and cheers, and a Voice: "Would you like to have them on now?") "I am quite prepared to give any of you a turn, if you want one." (Great laughter and cheers.)
When a Candidate, heckled by enemies, findsAll his efforts to keep the place still vain,Let him try one resource ere he pulls down the blinds,And conform to the model ofMilvain.For when politics palled he referred to the yearsWhen his skill as a boxer was lauded;An allusion to gloves won him laughter and cheers,Which was more than the "point of his jaw" did.
When a Candidate, heckled by enemies, findsAll his efforts to keep the place still vain,Let him try one resource ere he pulls down the blinds,And conform to the model ofMilvain.
For when politics palled he referred to the yearsWhen his skill as a boxer was lauded;An allusion to gloves won him laughter and cheers,Which was more than the "point of his jaw" did.
In a provincial contemporary I find the following startling information, under the heading, "Mothers of Great Men."Schumann'smother was gifted in music;Chopin'smother, like himself, was very delicate;Wordsworth'smother had a character as peculiar as that of her gifted son;Raleighsaid that he owed all his politeness of deportment to his mother. There are other statements about other mothers, but those I have quoted may suffice in the meantime. What I want to know is why any reasonable human being should care, or be supposed to care, about these ridiculous scraps of information collected from a rubbish-heap of useless knowledge. Here is another that I cannot leave out:Haydndedicated one of his most important instrumental compositions to his mother. Amazing.
In the parish of Swaffham Bulbeck (Phœbus, what a name!) there are apparently two bridges. At the adjourned quarterly meeting of the Parish Council the other day, Mr.C. P. Fysonin the chair, "it was reported that Bridge No. 1 required to be re-built.... The Chairman reported Bridge No. 2 required the same treatment, and eventually the whole matter was adjourned"—presumably in the hope that in the interval the bridges would rebuild themselves.
HOW I LOST MY POLL.
Mr. Punch, Honoured Sir,—By way of supplementing efforts ofDaily Chroncileto obtain authorised statements showing cause for defeat of certain distinguished candidates, have secured following satisfactory explanations, for authenticity of which I have pleasure in vouching. Have suppressed names of men and places, thus sacrificing verisimilitude on altar of discretion.
A. explains:—Opponent started with every natural advantage, having only appeared in constituency three weeks and two days ago, and being entirely unknown. (Omne ignotum pro benefico.) I, on other hand, had been on spot for five-and-twenty years, and wasonly two well known.
B. explains:—Attribute my defeat (by exactly 4529 votes) to over-confidence on part of my supporters. Seems that recollection of ample margin of two (one voting-paper disputed) by which I was returned to late Parliament produced reckless and culpable apathy.
C. explains:—Mistake to suppose that Local or any other Veto had appreciable bearing on result of election. Fact is that opposition chartered every available traction-engine to bring up rural electorate. All other traffic practically suspended. Terrorised owners refused to risk their stables in unequal struggle. Was reduced to average of one horse a piece for my four-in-hands. Also other man's wife prettier than mine.
D. explains:—Am author of many standard works of blood-curdling adventure, largely among blacks. Found myself besieged one day in headquarters by what I took to be murderous contingent of enemy. In all my books of fiction, hero would have hacked his way through midst, if only with open penknife. Stern reality quite a different matter. Fell back upon services of local fire-brigade. Turned out afterwards that crowd actually consisted of admiring readers and political friends all eager to draw me, by pardonable ruse, into display of heroic qualities as depicted in my popular writings. Disillusioned by me, and damped by fire-brigade, mob went off and voted for other side.
E. explains:—Had Women's Suffrage existed, am confident should have been returned by handsome majority, being single and bit of an Adonis. As it was, fatal gift for attracting feminine attention alienated younger male electors. Other candidate solid family man without physical charm. Has been said that beauty is a curse. In own case must unhesitatingly admit soft impeachment.
F. explains:—It arose in this way. Had arranged beforehand that pole of carriage should snap in two during ascent of heavy incline in very heart of borough, idea being that partisans would be compelled to un-horse vehicle and personally propel it along in semi-triumphal progress. All went well till it came to pushing. Then was seen that weight of fellow-passengers (three obese stump-orators sent down by Caucus) overtaxed strength of small body of supporters, men remarkable for intellectual perspicuity rather than brute force. Notwithstanding laudable efforts, carriage receded, slowly at first, then, gaining impetus, rushed with incredible speed full into plate-glass window ofMayor'sgrocery-store. Self and all three orators bled profusely. Should add thatMayorwas exceedingly popular politician of heterodox views. Cause of my Party completely ruined by shocking fiasco.
Kindly observe, dearMr. Punch, how insignificant a part seems to have been played in above elections by great and vital questions of day. Let me hear if you want any more of these explanations. Cost me nothing.
Yours,Splendide Mendax.
FOOTNOTES
[1]"Saus und Braus":Ger.Riot and bustle.
[1]"Saus und Braus":Ger.Riot and bustle.
[2]"Ewigkrit":Ger.Eternity: "gone for ever".
[2]"Ewigkrit":Ger.Eternity: "gone for ever".