MAKING ALLOWANCES.MAKING ALLOWANCES.The Little Minister."How well you're looking, Mac-Cullum!"The Big Farmer."Weel—I'm weel in Pairts. But I'm ower Muckle to be weel all ower at ain time!"
MAKING ALLOWANCES.The Little Minister."How well you're looking, Mac-Cullum!"The Big Farmer."Weel—I'm weel in Pairts. But I'm ower Muckle to be weel all ower at ain time!"
The Little Minister."How well you're looking, Mac-Cullum!"
The Big Farmer."Weel—I'm weel in Pairts. But I'm ower Muckle to be weel all ower at ain time!"
We should think he was, indeed!Someremuneration, quotha? Does not the mere fact that he bears a name honoured and revered in every corner of the globe entitle him to a pension on the very highest scale known to the L. G. B.? Not, we need hardly say, an "old age" pension. Perpetual youth is the prerogative of allPunches. And they "have appointed his son as his successor." Well, of course! How can aPunchdo anything but succeed? He would be a rumPunchif he didn't! Greetings to our distant kinsman of Kinsale!
One Man, One Topper!—In theGlasgow Heraldsomebody writes as follows:—
"It is surely time Mr.Duncansaw to his bus-drivers' hats! Such a miscellaneous collection of seedy hats, I think, could not be found elsewhere; they are a positive disgrace to the city."
"It is surely time Mr.Duncansaw to his bus-drivers' hats! Such a miscellaneous collection of seedy hats, I think, could not be found elsewhere; they are a positive disgrace to the city."
The writer ought to have signed himself "Macbeth;" the "unguardedDuncan," whoever he may be, must be on his guard, or passengers will strike for better hats. All bus-drivers and conductors should wear silk hats, to typify the habitual softness of their address. Why not put them into livery at once? The company that did that would probably attract no end of custom. No revolution like it, since the abolition of the box-seat! Uniform charges and uniformed conductors should be the future rule of the road.
"Not Kilt, but Spacheless."—At Clonakilty Sessions the other day, the following evidence was given:—
"Patrick Feenwas examined, and stated he resided at Dunnycove, parish of Ardfield.... Gave defendant's brother a blow of his open hand and knocked him down for fun, and out of friendship. (Laughter.)"
"Patrick Feenwas examined, and stated he resided at Dunnycove, parish of Ardfield.... Gave defendant's brother a blow of his open hand and knocked him down for fun, and out of friendship. (Laughter.)"
What a good-natured, open-handed friend Mr.Patrick Feenmust be!John Hegarty, the person assaulted, corroborated the account, and added,—
"When he was knocked down, he stopped there. (Laughter.)"
"When he was knocked down, he stopped there. (Laughter.)"
In fact, he "held the field," and "remained in possession of the ground." Who will now say that the old humour is dying out in Erin?
Of Dr. Tristram (Shandy) in the Inconsistory Court.—"OTristram! Tristram! Tristram!" * * "And pray which way is this affair ofTristramat length settled by these learned men?"
"Toby" to Yorick.
What a nice dish for lunch would be what we find mentioned in the Racing Order of the Day,i.e."Plate of 150 sous." Excellent! To be washed down with a draught of Guineas stout!
BRIGGS, OF BALLIOL.
Part I.
Briggswas the gayest dog in Balliol. If there was a bonfire in the quad, and if the dons found their favourite chairs smouldering in the ashes,Briggswas at the bottom of it. If the bulldogs were led a five-mile chase at one o'clock in the morning, the gownless figure that lured them on wasBriggs. If the supper atVinnie'sbecame so uproarious that the Proctor thought it necessary to interfere, the gentleman that dropped him from the first-floor window wasBriggs. Anyone else would have been sent down over and over again, but—Briggsstroked the Balliol boat:Briggshad his cricket blue;Briggswas a dead certainty against Cambridge for the quarter and the hundred: in short,Briggswas indispensable to the College and the 'Varsity, and therefore he was allowed to stay.
But what is this? A change has come overBriggs. He is another man. Can it be——? Impossible—and yet? Yes, it began that very night. Everyone has heard of MissO'Gress, the Pioneer. She came up to Oxford to lecture; her subject was "Man: his Position andRaison d'être."Briggsand I went to hear; went in light laughing mood with little fear of any consequences. We listened to theO'Gress. "There is no doubt," she said, "that Man was intended by Nature to be the Father. For this high calling he should endeavour to fit himself by every means in his power. He should cultivate his body so as to render himself attractive to Woman. He should be tall,"—her eye fell onBriggs—"he should be handsome,"—still onBriggs—"he should be graceful, he should be athletic."—At this point her eye seemed fairly to feast onBriggs, and a curious lurid light lowered in it. She paused a moment. I was sitting next toBriggs, and I felt a shiver run through him. I looked at his face, and it was ghastly pale. I asked him in a whisper if he felt faint? He impatiently motioned me to be silent, and remained, as I thought, like a bird paralysed beneath the gaze of a serpent. I heard no more, so anxious was I on my friend's account; nor could I breathe with any freedom until the audience rose and we were once again in the fresh air.
The following day there was a garden-party at Trinity.Briggssaid he was playing for the 'Varsity against Lancashire, and therefore could not go. Imagine my surprise then, when, as I was doing the polite among the strawberries and cream, I caught sight of him slinking down the lime grove at the heels of theO'Gress. I rubbed my eyes and looked again. Yes, it wasBriggsindeed. The face was his; the features were his; the figure was his; the clothes were his—but, the buoyant step? the merry laugh? where, where, eh! where were they?
* * * * *
The Long Vac. passed, and we were all up again for Michaelmas Term. There was a blank in our circle. "Where'sBriggs?" askedBrown. "Where'sBriggs?" askedTrotterof Trinity. We looked at one another. What! Nobody seenBriggs? Not up yet?—Better go and see. We went to his rooms. NoBriggsthere, and not a sign of his coming. We went toJones.Jonesknew no more than we; toSmith,Green,Roberts—all equally ignorant. At last we tried the Porter. What! hadn't we heard the news? News? No! What news? The Porter's face grew long. Why, Mr.Briggs, 'e weren't comin' up no more. Not coming up? Not coming up? Nonsense! Impossible!—Fact, gentlemen, fact. The Master,'e'd 'ad a note from Mr.Briggs, sayin' as 'ow 'e wouldn't be back agin. No one knew nothink more than that. No one could explain it.
There was despair in Balliol. What would become of us? WithoutBriggswe could never catch B. N. C. Magdalen would bump us to a certainty, and we could hardly hope to escape the House. In football it would be just as bad. Keble and Exeter would simply jump on us, and not a single Balliol man would have his blue. The position was appalling; ruin stared us in the face; the College was in consternation, forBriggshad disappeared.
NOTE BY A NATIONALIST.
"Home Rule all Round!" That cry is in the air:What Ireland wants, though, is Home Rule allsquare.
Is your Son improving in his Violin-playing"Is your Son improving in his Violin-playing, Mr. Jones?""Well—either he's improving, or we're getting used to it!"
"Is your Son improving in his Violin-playing, Mr. Jones?""Well—either he's improving, or we're getting used to it!"
"Is your Son improving in his Violin-playing, Mr. Jones?"
"Well—either he's improving, or we're getting used to it!"
Thomas Henry Huxley.
Born, May 4, 1825.Died, June 30, 1895.
Another star of Science slipsInto the shadow of eclipse!—Yet no; thelightis nowise gone,But burning still, and travelling onThe unborn future to illume,And dissipate a distant gloom.True man of Science he, yet more,Master of metaphysic lore,Lover of history and of art,He played a multifarious part.With clear head and incisive tongueDowered, on all he touched he flungThose rarer charms of grace and wit.Great learning may not always hit.To his "liege lady Science" true,He narrowed not a jealous viewTo her alone, but found all lifeWith charm and ethic interest rife.Knowing plain lore of germ and plant,With dreams ofHamiltonandKant,All parts of the great human plan.England in him has lost a Man.The great Agnostic, clear, brave, true,Taught more things, may be, than he deemed he knew.
Business.
Inquirer(drawing up prospectus). Shall I write "Company" with a big C?
Honest Broker.Certainly, if it's a sound one, as it represents "Company" with a capital.
MR. BRIEFLESS, JUN., ON THE LONG VACATION.
Unfortunately I was prevented, by an appointment of a semi-professional character—I had been desired by a maiden aunt to give her my advice upon a question, of damage arising out of a canine assault committed by her lap-dog—from being present at the General Meeting of the Bar, and consequently was unable to take part in the annual deliberations of my learned and friendly colleagues. From what passed on the occasion to which I refer, I gather that there was an inclination to call the Benchers of the Inns of Court to account. It seems to me—and I believe that I am right in the opinion—that, so long as our Masters worthily represent the dignity of the profession, we Members of the Inner and Outer Bar have no tangible cause for complaint.
But I fancy the leading subject at the Forensic Congress was the Long Vacation. Judging from the numerous letters that have reached me from both branches of the profession, this is a matter of the first importance to all of us. I have been asked by many of my learned and friendly colleagues, and my nearly equally learned and even more friendly clients, to give my opinion on the subject. One respected correspondent who hails from Ely Place, writes, "How could you possibly recover from the wear and tear of your arduous practice in Trinity Term, had you not a part of August and nearly the whole of September and October ready to hand for recuperation?" I quite agree with SirGeorge—I should say, my respected correspondent—that as I near "the long," I do feel the need of rest—nay, even considerable rest. Then a learned friend who represents not only the Bar, but chivalry in its forensic form, sends me a caricature of "Dicky W." that would suggest that were the holidays to be decreased, a wearer of a most distinguished order, and an athlete of no small fame would be reduced to a condition of complete collapse. Once again, an ornament to our Bench—perhaps the greatest ornament—honours me with the suggestion that were we to lose a month of recreation, it might sadden the terraces of Monte Carlo, and eclipse the merriment of Newmarket Heath. It is needless to state that all these communications have had weight with me. Still, I have deemed it desirable to approach the subject with an open mind. It seems to me (and no doubt to many others) that the question narrows itself into a matter of finance. I have therefore takenPortingtoninto my counsels, and examined with unusual care the pages of my Fee Book. After much consultation with my admirable and excellent clerk, and an exhaustive audit of the figures of my forensichonoraria, I have come to the matured conclusion that the lengthening or the shortening of the Long Vacation does not affect me financially in the very least.
(Signed)A. Briefless, Junior.
Pump-handle Court, June 22, 1895.
Football is to be played in all the schools and colleges of Russia. The champion of the game is known as PrinceKhikoff.
THE FATE OF ROTTEN ROWTHE FATE OF ROTTEN ROW.
THE FATE OF ROTTEN ROW.
THE FATE OF ROTTEN ROW.
ON VIEW AT HENLEY.
The most characteristic work of that important official, the clerk of the weather.
The young lady who has never been before, and wants to know the names of the eights who compete for the Diamond Sculls.
The enthusiastic boating man, who, however, prefers luncheon when the hour arrives, to watching the most exciting race imaginable.
The itinerant vendors of "coolers" and other delightful comestibles.
The troupes of niggers selected and not quite select.
The house-boat with decorations in odious taste, and company to match.
The "perfect gentleman's rider" (from Paris) who remembers boating at Asnières thirty years ago, whenJuleswore when rowing lavender kid-gloves and high top-boots.
The calm mathematician (from Berlin), who would prefer to see the races represented by an equation.
The cute Yankee (from New York), who is quite sure that some of the losing crews have been "got at" while training.
The guaranteed enclosure, with band, lunch and company of the same quality.
The "very best view of the river" from a dozen points of the compass.
Neglected maidens, bored matrons, and odd men out.
Quite the prettiest toilettes in the world.
The Thames Conservancy in many branches.
Launches: steam, electric, accommodating and the reverse.
Men in flannels who don't boat, and men in tweeds who do.
A vast multitude residential, and a vaster come per rail from town.
Three glorious days of excellent racing, at once national and unique.
An aquatic festival, a pattern to the world.
And before all and above all, a contest free from all chicanery, and the very embodiment of fairplay.
From a Correspondent.—"Sir,—I occasionally come across allusions to 'Groves of Blarney.' Which Groves was this? There was a celebrated fishmonger known as 'Groves of Bond Street;' is Groves of Blarney an Irish branch of that family?"
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, July 1.—Presto! Quick transformation scene effected to-day. Conservatives to the right; Liberals to the left. Stupendous, far-reaching change; one of those rarely happy events that please everyone. Hearing what people say, it is difficult to decide which the more pleased, Liberals at being turned out, or Conservatives at springing in. On Ministerial side happiness marred in individual cases by being left out of the Ministry.
"I'm getting up in years now,Toby," saidThe Markiss, "and I've had pretty long experience in making up Ministries. But I assure you I've been staggered during last week, including in special degree the last hour. The more offices assigned, the narrower becomes the basis of operation, and the more desperate the rush of the attacking party. You'd be surprised if you saw the list of men who have asked me for something. As a rule they don't put it in that general way. They know precisely what they want, and are not bashful in giving it a name, though they usually end up by saying that if this particular post is disposed of, anything else will do. In fact, like the cabman and the coy fare, they leave it to me. I am, as you know, of placid temperament, inclined to take genial views of my fellow-man. But I declare, if the process of forming a Ministry under my direction were extended beyond a fortnight, I should become a confirmed cynic."
Business done.—Parties change sides.
Tuesday.—"Quel jour pour le bon Joé!" said my Friend, dropping with easy grace into the French of Alderney-atte-Sark.
House full, considering the nearness of Dissolution. Members anxious above all things to meet their constituents. Grudge every hour that holds them from their embrace. Still, it is well upon occasion to practise self-denial. Ten days or even a fortnight with constituents during progress of contest inevitable. Just as well not to anticipate. So House crowded to seePrince Arthurreturn. Slight flush on his cheek as with swinging stride he comes to take up sceptrePeelonce held, thatDizzydeftly wielded, thatGladstoneof late laid down. After him, second only to him,Joseph—Josephin his very best summer suit, appropriate to occasion when sun shines most brightly. ThenJokim, who has descended to frivolity of white waistcoat, which casts ghastly pallorover festive scene. Last of all, type in these days of stern, unbending Toryism,Michael Hicks-Beach.
LEFT OUTLEFT OUT! (A Study of several Distinguished Persons, who are unable to appreciate the charms of "Coalition"!)
LEFT OUT! (A Study of several Distinguished Persons, who are unable to appreciate the charms of "Coalition"!)
LEFT OUT! (A Study of several Distinguished Persons, who are unable to appreciate the charms of "Coalition"!)
Virtue RewardedVirtue Rewarded! The new Secretary of the Treasury, Mr. H-nb-ry.
Virtue Rewarded! The new Secretary of the Treasury, Mr. H-nb-ry.
Virtue Rewarded! The new Secretary of the Treasury, Mr. H-nb-ry.
"Beach," saidSark, coming back to the English tongue, "has never either manœuvred or wobbled. He is of the very flower of English political squirearchy. He has principles and convictions, and he sticks to them. So, when a Conservative Ministry arrives, he walks in last, and, on the Treasury Bench, takes any seat others may not have appropriated. Consider these things,Toby, my boy. If you're bringing up any pups to a political career, the study may be useful to you and them."Private Hanburygot his stripes. After pegging away for years at Treasury,Prince Arthurnow put him on to repel attacks. Will do it well too. An admirable appointment. Sad thing about it is, that it breaks up a cherished companionship; parts friends by the height and width and back of Treasury Bench.
Business done.—Ministers sworn in.
Thursday.—Notable change come overBoltonpartyin the last few days. Unmistakable Retreat-from-Moscow look about him. When Liberal Government went out andJosephhandedThe Markissto the front,Boltonpartybeamed with large content. The Sun of Austerlitz shone once more.
Toby runs down to his ConstituencyToby runs down to his Constituency.
Toby runs down to his Constituency.
Toby runs down to his Constituency.
"Joseph," he said, folding his arms in historic fashion, letting his massive chin rest on his manly chest, what time his noble brow shone with the radiance of mighty thoughts, "Josephwill never forget his early friend and ally. It's not as if at the last General Election I stood under his flag, won a seat, and laid it at his feet. I fought North St. Pancras as a Home-Ruler, captured it, and before new Parliament was many months old, went over to other side, making early rift in lute ofGladstone'smajority. Some men in such circumstances would have gone back to their constituency and said, 'Dear boys, there's a mistake somewhere. You elected me on a particular understanding. Since then I have taken another view of the situation and of my duty. So I come back, return the trust you placed in my hand, and give you opportunity of electing me again, or choosing another man.' That might have led to inconvenience. Wouldn't run any risk; so kept my seat, and voted steadily withJoseph. Suppose they won't put me in the Cabinet right off? But I shall have choice of first-class Under-Secretaryship. Shall it be War, Navy, or Home Department? Any one excellent; but obviously I must go to the War Office. Don't know whether there's any particular uniform for Financial Secretary. If not, could soon knock one up from old portrait of the Emperor."
Day after dayBoltonpartystayed at home, expecting every hour to be sent for. Nothing came till Wednesday morning's papers arrived, with, the news that sonAustenwas Secretary to the Admiralty,Jesse Collingswas installed at the Home Office, andPowell Williams—who never set a squadron in the field, and didn't in any respect resemble the EmperorNapoleon—was Financial Secretary to the War Office! "That's bad enough,Toby," saidBoltonparty, filing away an iron tear that coursed down his steel-grey cheek. "But there's worse behind. What do you thinkJosephdid when he heard I wasn't all together pleased? He offered me a statue! Said he'd no doubtAkers-Douglascould pick up on reasonable terms an old statue ofNapoleon; with a little touching up it would serve, and there was a place ready on the site proposed forCromwell's. There was, he said, well-known picture ofNapoleonCrossing the Alps. Why shouldn't there be a statue ofBoltonpartyCrossing Marylebone Road, North Pancras? This is man's gratitude! I've been cruelly Elba'd on one side, and nothing remains for me now but St. Helena."
Business done.—All.
Saturday.—Prorogation to-day, with usual imposing ceremony. On Monday, Dissolution. Off to the country. Of course no one opposes me in Barks. But must do the civil thing by my constituents.
FOOTNOTE
[1]A fact. July 6. Mr.Punch'sRepresentative was taken round twice—the second time against his will—in company with an indignant shareholder and several impatient, yet sorrowful, passengers, who complained of missing appointments, &c., in consequence of their "extra" turn.
[1]A fact. July 6. Mr.Punch'sRepresentative was taken round twice—the second time against his will—in company with an indignant shareholder and several impatient, yet sorrowful, passengers, who complained of missing appointments, &c., in consequence of their "extra" turn.