THE SPILLTHE SPILL!JACK AND JILL WENT UP THE HILLTO FETCH A PAIL OF WATER,JACK FELL DOWN AND BROKE HIS CROWN,AND JILL CAME TUMBLING AFTER.
THE SPILL!
JACK AND JILL WENT UP THE HILLTO FETCH A PAIL OF WATER,JACK FELL DOWN AND BROKE HIS CROWN,AND JILL CAME TUMBLING AFTER.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
The Variety Stage, byCharles Douglas StuartandA. J. Park (Fisher Unwin), is a history of the Music-halls from the earliest period to the present time. And a very interesting history it is, admirably told withal. One comes upon names familiar in boyhood, and is a little shocked to find that the GreatVancewas really namedAlfred Peck Stevens. The pages glow with pleasant peeps of London at midnight, asPendennissaw it, and as, once at least, it was looked upon byColonel Newcome. It is sad to find how many of the old favourites of the music-hall fall upon evil times, and even die in the workhouse.Sam Collinswas more fortunate. He was sumptuously buried in Kensal Green, where a marble pedestal carries his portrait and his epitaph. This last is notable as containing what, as far as my Baronite knows, is the most audacious rhyme in the English language. As it was admitted to consecrated ground, it may perhaps be quoted here. "A loving husband," so it runs—
"A loving husband and a faithful friend,Ever the first a helping hand to lend:Farewell, good-natured, honest-heartedSam,Until we meet before the great I AM."ProBaron de B.-W.
Diplomatic Intelligence.—Mr.Chauncy Depewhas arrived. On business, of course. De-pew-ted by American Government.
ON THE TRACK IN BATTERSEA PARKON THE TRACK IN BATTERSEA PARK."Where there's a Wheel there's a Way."
ON THE TRACK IN BATTERSEA PARK.
"Where there's a Wheel there's a Way."
THE LABOUR GALLIO.
Bah! Politics are a bad joke.To get up steam about 'em's silly.The Tory pabulum is stale "toke,"The Liberal beverage sloppy "skilly."Mybusiness, whilst they storm and splutter,Is to earn beer and bread-and-butter.
Thursday, July 18. For Two Knights Only!—SirHenry IrvingandSir John Falstaff. Hitherto Windsor Shakspearianly associated with Merry Wives and washtubbing (with "brown Windsor") of Fat Knight. Henceforth memorable for Royal reception and dubbing (also with the best Windsor) of Thin Knight. Reported that SirHenrywas invited to represent a Constituency! Hehasrepresented two single gentlemen rolled into one, such asCorsican Brothers, andDuboscandLesurques. But to represent a Constituency of some thousands!! No rapid act of "quickest change" could effect it.ViveSirHenry!
"In Nubibus."—Wright, the convict and ex-solicitor of the Liberator Building Society, said in the course of examination at the London Bankruptcy Court that he was "formerly tenant of Cloughton Castle in Ireland. That was only a small place, but it was customary in Ireland to call almost everything a castle." Quite Wright. Home Rule is now one of theseChâteaux d' Espagnein Ireland, and "to let."
THE GENERAL ELECTION.
Oh pity an unhappy manReduced to desperate dejection!There's nothing happening but an Election.Eternally it worries me,Inducing cerebral affection,This never-ending topic the Election.I don't love politics, or careA pin for Liberal defection,Or if the Tories gained in their Election.Unworthy citizen, perhapsI need reproof and stern correction,Indifferent to any chap's Election.Unless I flew beyond the sea,I'm certain that in no directionCould I escape at all from the Election.For no one writes, and no one speaks,Of anything but in connectionWith some loquacious man who seeks Election.I try my club; though men may comeAnd men may go, there's this objectionTo all alike—they talk of some Election.I go to bed; no rest for me,I'm roused by yells, with shrill inflectionOf "Extry midnight speshul, the Election!"The papers, taking any side,Of any party, any section,One sort of news alike provide—Election.I'll go to see my love, and kissHer pretty face, her sweet complexion,At least she will not talk of this Election.
"YOU ARE MOST APT TO PLAY THE SIR."
Othello, Act ii., Sc. i.
Friday, July 19, 1895, memorable in annals of British stage as a day set apart for one of the greatest triumphs of the Drama. SirHenry Irving, fresh from the honours of Royal Windsor, received a further distinction at the hands and hearts of his "brothers and sisters" in that profession for which he has done so much. SquireBancroftwas the eloquent spokesman for the enthusiastic audience of comedians and tragedians which filled the Lyceum; yet before and behind the footlights there was not a suggestion of histrionics. Unlike, too, the great unpaying, who have the dulness of theirorder, the guests of Friday were remarkable for the tremendous energy of their goodwill. If this theatre had not long been seasoned to the sounds of vociferous cheering, the demonstration might "have brought down the house" literally.Mr. Punchtakes this opportunity of joining in the demonstration, and drinks to SirHenry Irving. May the Knight of the cheerful countenance prosper according to his deserts. And, if that wish is realised, the lessee of the Lyceum will be one of the happiest men on record.
STAMBULOFF.
Grim mockery of fate! The assassin's knifeOnce more hath power upon a patriot's life.One steel-armed miscreant, with one felon blow,May lay the moulder of a nation low.Masterful man and fiery patriot, stillIs that strong heart, relaxed that iron will.Yet there's more honour for the brave at rest,After vain struggle and abortive quest,Than for the ungrateful herd who dare not riseTo the full height of perilous destinies,The Northern Bear his distant quarry nosing,Or the Coburger in gay Carlsbad glosing.
R. Peel from Mr. G.—Mr.Gladstone, writing to SirRobert Peel, who had been addressing the Fazeley branch Lodge of Oddfellows, said, "In our small community we have four separate lodges, and I have associated myself with them all." Mr. G. may now adopt as his signature, not the initials "G. O. M.," but the new one of "O. F. O.," or "Odd Fellow Out." No doubt, with his love of retirement and study, the Grand Old Odd-Fellow often says, sighingly, to himself, "O for a Lodge in some great Wilderness!"
To Dr. W. G. Grace on his 47th Birthday.
Many happy returns of the day!Old Time on his record should nick it,Long, long may he umpire your play.Here's wishing you luck at the wicket,Long life,—for one "century," say,—And a hundred more of 'em at Cricket!
BLASÉBLASÉ."Well, Papa, how did you enjoy the Play to-night?""Oh, I think I enjoyed it fairly well, my dear. I've got a general sort of idea that I didn't go to Sleep over it!"
BLASÉ.
"Well, Papa, how did you enjoy the Play to-night?"
"Oh, I think I enjoyed it fairly well, my dear. I've got a general sort of idea that I didn't go to Sleep over it!"
HOW THE TOPERS CAME DOWN TO THE POLLS.
(A Song for the Drouthy, someway after Southey.)
How did the Topers come down to the Polls?
Here they came shouting,And there they came flouting,Teetotalers scouting, andHarcourtmis-doubting,With banners, and big bills, and trumpets and song.With pint-pots and flagons,In drags, brakes and wagons,As valiant as lions, as fiery as dragons,They hastened along united and strong!'Midst braying of brass and 'midst clouds of tobacco,With jubiliant shouts for "The Union Jack, O!"With jovial manners, and patriot banners,'Midst bung-lauding boasters, with big scarlet posters,In Sunday-best garments superbly arrayed;'Midst shoutings from "cadgers," with scarves and with badges,With rubicund faces, limp collars, loose braces,With dry-as-dust throttles, and handy case-bottles,With blonde buxom Beauty to aid 'em in duty,And bystanders funning, and little boys running,And stentor-toned shouts for "The Cause" and "The Trade"!!!All florid and torrid,Damp shirts and moist forehead,From near slum and far court,With railings atHarcourt,And wit-apingWilfrid, and truculentCaine.With shouts for SirMichael,By 'bus, and by cycle,Afoot, and well-mounted, by tram and by train.All glowing and blowing,Red cards about throwing,And rushing, and crushing, and flushing,And laughing, and chaffing, and quaffing;And jeering, and sneering, and "beering,"And skipping, and tripping, and "nipping,"And hasting, and pasting, and tasting;And hopping, and popping, and mopping,Perspiring, and wiring.But ever untiring.And drinking, and chinking, and blinking, and winking,And sometimes unthinking, but ever unshrinking,And gladdening, and maddening,And t'other side saddening,Friends brightening, foes frightening, interiors tightening,And warming, and forming, and storming;And flattering, and clattering, and battering, and shattering;Arising, surprising, all foes pulverising,And giving them "toko" on temperance "boko."And flashing, and dashing, and crashing, and smashing, and hashing,And propping, and stopping, and copping, and lopping, and topping, and whopping;And backing, and tracking, and blacking, and hacking, and smacking, and whacking,And "giving 'em beans."(You know whatthatmeans!)And shouting, "We vote all against Cant Teetotal!We'll beat up eachBardolph, andPistol, andPeto,To give its quietus to villainous Veto.And kick out the duffers The Trade who would queerAnd rob (big caps., please!)The Poor Man of his Beer!!!Out, out on the foes of our Freedom—and Liquor!They'll follow their Leader—the sooner the quicker!The Lords they may floor, and the Church may assault,But they've met with their match in the Champions of Malt!All together, brave souls!See, our phalanx on-rolls!!!"
Andthat's how the Topers came down to the Polls!
Maintaining the Union.—TheSheffield Daily Telegraph, in referring to the success of Mr.G. H. Allsoppat Worcester, just prior to that eminent Unionist taking unto himself a wife, suggests that the newly-elected M.P. should follow the precedent set by Mr.Griffith-Boscawenin 1892, and give to each of his bridesmaids a brooch with the amount of his majority engraved upon it. This is all very well in its way. But the total at Tunbridge was 933, while that of Worcester extended to four figures. So to give room for labelling, the brooch should be changed to a bracelet. A man bearing the honoured name ofAllsoppshould be appropriately equal to the XX's.
A Question to Outsiders.—"Won't you come round?" was the invitation (as reported in theDaily Graphic) given by SirHenry Irving(after his speech on Friday afternoon) to his "friends in front." But it is a question addressed to many outside the theatre and the theatrical profession; to all sorts and conditions of men and women who still regard the stage askance, and who look upon the ultimate fate of theatre-goers and actors as a melancholy certainty. To these persons, whether a minority or a majority,—in either case a "narrow" one,—SirHenry'skindly invitation is publicly addressed, and it is "Won't you come round?"
A SUNDAY DINNERA SUNDAY DINNER.Father of Family(who has accidentally shot the leg of a Fowl under the table). "Mind t'Dog doesn't get it!"Young Hopeful(triumphantly). "All right, Feyther! I've gotten me Foot on it!"
A SUNDAY DINNER.
Father of Family(who has accidentally shot the leg of a Fowl under the table). "Mind t'Dog doesn't get it!"
Young Hopeful(triumphantly). "All right, Feyther! I've gotten me Foot on it!"
ROUNDABOUT READINGS.
To the philosophical mind of a Roundabout Reader the General Election ought to offer many points of interest, not because he is a politician, but because, in the interest of his reading, he has to occupy a position of detachment, and therefore perhaps sees more of the humours and absurdities which crowd the animated scene. Yet here, for instance, am I, a diligent turner over of every possible kind of newspaper, metropolitan and provincial, and all that I have carried away from my careful investigations is a confused sense that if electors on either side only "stand shoulder to shoulder," "leave no stone unturned," and "work as one man from now till the polling-day," why each tide is positively certain that "another nail will be driven into the coffin" of the other side, that "a resounding blow will be struck for the good cause," and that "the banner under which we have secured many a brilliant victory will once more float triumphantly in the breeze." As for the "moral victories" gained, they are almost overwhelming both in number and in result.
Indeed, there is nothing so dangerously attractive to speaker and to audience as a fine old crusted political tag. Policies and programmes are as dust in the balance. As you listen to a speaker and watch his hearers, you may see a smile of perfect confidence and satisfaction spreading over the faces of the latter while the former winds himself up to the well-known, fondly-loved, and long-expected tag, which is the inevitable conclusion of the fiery oratorical period. "That," they say to themselves, "is the man for us. He says exactly what we should have said in the only appropriate words." Result—Loud and enthusiastic cheers, amidst whichMr.Plattit-Ewdresumed his seat, having spoken for three-quarters of an hour.
And the old familiar funny stories, the humorous allusions, the sparkling gibes, have they not been trotted out from Land's End to John o' Groat's House? Welcome have you been, oh ye kittens, born blind as Liberal (or Conservative) kittens, and converted, through the opening of your eyes, into Conservative (or Liberal) kittens; welcome also, ye hounds, who have devoured all your labels, and know not your destination. Many a time have I hunted with your sporting pack, and seen my friends ride gallantly at your tails. Also there is a wolf, and there is a lamb; and there was once a Sibyl who dealt in books, and there is an Italian who, having performed the most coruscating solos on the barrel-organ, failed miserably when asked to oblige upon the piano. All these have played their parts nobly. Not for long do I bid them farewell. They will return, I know they will, with the first mutterings of the next election.
Pray consider my verse, which, if learnt by heart pat, formsThe best of all tips for political platforms.With a slight dash ofMillyou may burden your speeches,You may tell the great tale ofO'Brien, his breeches.On the one side you'll tearWilliam Harcourtto tatters;He's out for a time, but I don't think it matters.Then, in talking ofJoe, what will help very much isA delicate hint at a Duke or a Duchess;A suggestion that coats are the garments, if any,That mustn't be turned when their colours are many:And that programmes (you'll pause ere you flatly refuse 'em)Are Brummagem goods, which will break when you use 'em.Then, whether your hearers be Whig or be Tory,By the scruff of its neck you must drag in a story.Adjure them, my friend, lest their zeal should grow colder,To fight for the Cause, standing shoulder to shoulder.And, whether you battle for that chief or this chief,Inform them that stones, if unturned, are the mischief.And, last but not least, no opponent will quarrel,When all that you claim is a winplusa moral.
As an example of how political conflicts ought to be carried on take the case of West Fife. While Mr.Augustine Birrell, the Radical Candidate, was speaking in Thornton School, "the door of the room was opened, and Mr.Wemyss, the Liberal Unionist candidate for the constituency, asked 'May I come in,' to which Mr.Birrellreplied 'Yes, certainly.' Mr.Wemyss, who was followed by a large number of supporters, then entered the hall, and took a seat on one of the front benches, which he occupied until theclose of the address, when he was greeted with loud calls for a speech. In response to the call, he remarked that he had already made eight or nine speeches that day, and must be excused from making another. He had, however, enjoyed Mr.Birrell'sspeech very much. It was not for him to criticise it at that meeting, but he might only say that he felt sure the electors of West Fife would vote for whom they considered the best man and the man they believed would do his duty. He then called for three hearty cheers for his opponent, Mr.Birrell. Votes of confidence were then put for both candidates, when that in favour of Mr.Birrellwas declared carried. The opposing candidates then shook hands, and departed evidently the best of friends."
A totally different picture comes to us from Aston Manor, as I judge from the following letter in theBirmingham Daily Gazette.
WHAT HAS BECOME OF IKE WARD?
To the Editor of the Daily Gazette.
Sir,—My attention has been drawn to an attack made by CaptainGrice-Hutchinsonon a very respectable member of the National Society of Amalgamated Brassworkers, Mr.Ike Ward. In your yesterday's issue CaptainGrice-Hutchinsonis reported to have said: "The last authentic account he had of Mr.Ike Wardwas that he was 'bones' in some nigger troupe on the sands of Scarborough." Mr.Wardhas been for some time engaged as an organiser, and is a member of the Executive of the Railway Workers' Union, has never been in a nigger troupe on the sands of Scarborough or anywhere else.As the statement is calculated to damage the reputation of my friend Mr.Ward, I am sure that the candidate for Aston will at once either give his authority for the damaging statement or withdraw the aspersions on the character of a respected labour leader.—Yours faithfully,W. J. Davis.70, Lionel Street, Birmingham, July 13.
Sir,—My attention has been drawn to an attack made by CaptainGrice-Hutchinsonon a very respectable member of the National Society of Amalgamated Brassworkers, Mr.Ike Ward. In your yesterday's issue CaptainGrice-Hutchinsonis reported to have said: "The last authentic account he had of Mr.Ike Wardwas that he was 'bones' in some nigger troupe on the sands of Scarborough." Mr.Wardhas been for some time engaged as an organiser, and is a member of the Executive of the Railway Workers' Union, has never been in a nigger troupe on the sands of Scarborough or anywhere else.
As the statement is calculated to damage the reputation of my friend Mr.Ward, I am sure that the candidate for Aston will at once either give his authority for the damaging statement or withdraw the aspersions on the character of a respected labour leader.—Yours faithfully,
W. J. Davis.
70, Lionel Street, Birmingham, July 13.
But after all, even if Mr.Ike Wardhad chosen to employ his leisure in performing on the bones in a nigger troupe on the sands at Scarborough or elsewhere he would have done nothing to be ashamed of. Obviously, however, CaptainGrice-Hutchinson'saccount was anything but authentic, and he had no business to cork Mr.Ward'sface in so gratuitous a manner.
'Tis a manifest error, this tale about bones—(You may like what I say, or, if not, you may lump it).For a worker in brass must produce the best tonesIf—I don't say he did it—he blew his own trumpet.
In any record of electoral humour Mr.Muntz, the member for Tamworth, must hold a distinguished place. Here is a report of some of the remarks made by him at meetings in the Nuneaton Division:—
Mr.Muntz, in the course of his remarks, characterised LordSalisbury'sGovernment as the most able Administration that had ever held office in any Parliament the world over. It was composed of all the great intellect which, prior to the introduction of the Home Rule Bill, was divided between the two great parties of the State. Now all that was left to the Liberal party was the tagrag and bobtail. The late Radical Administration was a failure under Mr.Gladstone, great man as he was, and a still greater failure under LordRosebery, to whom Her Majesty had presented the Thistle. (Laughter.) As to agriculture, he said that he had a conversation with Mr.Chamberlainon the subject just before the dissolution. Mr.Chamberlainsaid to him, "Muntz, what are we to do for agriculture?" and he replied, "That's a big question. You have all the great talent and all the great landed interest in the country represented in the present Government; and if the present Government can do nothing for agriculture, there is nothing to be done for agriculture." (Applause.)
Mr.Muntz, in the course of his remarks, characterised LordSalisbury'sGovernment as the most able Administration that had ever held office in any Parliament the world over. It was composed of all the great intellect which, prior to the introduction of the Home Rule Bill, was divided between the two great parties of the State. Now all that was left to the Liberal party was the tagrag and bobtail. The late Radical Administration was a failure under Mr.Gladstone, great man as he was, and a still greater failure under LordRosebery, to whom Her Majesty had presented the Thistle. (Laughter.) As to agriculture, he said that he had a conversation with Mr.Chamberlainon the subject just before the dissolution. Mr.Chamberlainsaid to him, "Muntz, what are we to do for agriculture?" and he replied, "That's a big question. You have all the great talent and all the great landed interest in the country represented in the present Government; and if the present Government can do nothing for agriculture, there is nothing to be done for agriculture." (Applause.)
After reading this I feel that the question of agricultural distress is settled. Mr.Chamberlainmust, indeed, be a proud man at having obtained so much valuable information in answer to a question which, as reported, sounds familiar almost to the verge of rashness.
Can pigs be kept at a profit? This was the question which confronted the Devonport Guardians only the other day. The following extract from their proceedings will be read with breathless interest:—
Mr.H. W. Bryantmoved "That the Guardians give up pig keeping, either at the house or otherwise."Mr.Healyseconded.—Mr.Oliversupported, and said they could buy the pork cheaper than keep pigs, and that every pig they had kept cost them 1s.per lb.Mr.J. Goodmansaid he was a "piggery man." (Laughter.) He liked the pig, he liked the pork, and he liked the profit that the pig brought. He was surprised to hear Mr.Oliversay that the pigs cost 1s.per lb. He said it did not cost them 2½d.per lb.Mr.Chewpointed out that the profit on pig keeping last year in the house was £39.Mr.Penberthysaid the master entered in his books that it cost them 6d.per lb., and Mr. J.Mooremaintained that they could buy pork at 4½d.per lb. The motion was lost, 8 voting for, and 18 against.
Mr.H. W. Bryantmoved "That the Guardians give up pig keeping, either at the house or otherwise."
Mr.Healyseconded.—Mr.Oliversupported, and said they could buy the pork cheaper than keep pigs, and that every pig they had kept cost them 1s.per lb.
Mr.J. Goodmansaid he was a "piggery man." (Laughter.) He liked the pig, he liked the pork, and he liked the profit that the pig brought. He was surprised to hear Mr.Oliversay that the pigs cost 1s.per lb. He said it did not cost them 2½d.per lb.
Mr.Chewpointed out that the profit on pig keeping last year in the house was £39.
Mr.Penberthysaid the master entered in his books that it cost them 6d.per lb., and Mr. J.Mooremaintained that they could buy pork at 4½d.per lb. The motion was lost, 8 voting for, and 18 against.
"I'm a piggery man," saidGoodman, J., "though pigs are a wee bit squealy;But I won't sit still to hear pigs denounced byBryantand scorned byHealy.Let those who prefer it till the fields, and see what a year's hard dig brings;Ilike the pig, and I like the pork, and I like the profit the pig brings."ThenChew, he chawed Mr.Bryantup, Mr.Healyto dust he ground, Sir;AndMooremaintained you could purchase pork at fourpence halfpenny a pound, Sir.But the piggery men prevailed by ten, a majority quite on the big side,Since eighteen voted for pigs that day, and eight on the anti-pig side.
BROWN AND ME.
Me andBrownhas bin a having a lot of differences of opinion all about the County Counsellers, which sumhows we carnt get to agree together about em, not by no manner of means. And now, quite lately, we has been a having a lot of quarrells about the members of Parlement in the Citty, and all round about it, and, fortunetly, me and my frends has wun nearly ewery place where there has bin any think like a jolly good fight, and has now wun nearly the hole blooming lot on em! So that the poor County Counsellors has hardly got a single member of Parlement left among the whole blooming lot, and is obliged to have long rambling speeches among theirselves jest to fill up their idle time. How they can manage to keep things agoing jest while they makes their old long speeches, I carnt for the life of me make out; but I am told that they all agrees that its the only means they has of keeping up their old Charter; and altho it isnt werry much to brag about, they all agrees its sumthink better than nothink.
Waiter (untitled)
Lots of the poor chaps who has been acustomed to go about different parts of London a braggin about the werry great figgers they cuts, or was used to cut, afore the new changes as took place in making amost everybody members of Parlement, is now obleeged to do their werry best to keep things a going cumfertably, if possibel; but its but poor work for em, and but a werry poor change for things as was afore they was as they is.
Why, I'm litterelly told as how there is now lots of Gents as was once Members of Parlement who aint now members for nothink! that it to say, not for nothink as is worth having. Why, I'm ewen told as the County Counsellers, as belongs to the Tems Conserwency, is now so ardly treated, that they werry offen carnt get enuff to do to keep their time well employed, or to get enuff monney to pay them their werry modderate wages; so eny boddy can werry easily emadgin what poor work it must now be for poor fellers as was once Members of Parlement, and now aint not members of not nothink!
Sum of the old members tells me as they doesnot despair ewen yet! for they are quite sure as how as numbers of the grand old Tories will stick to em as long as theres any left; but I thinks as I knows a trick worth too of that, and that is, to make the best of the things as is, and hope the best for all the changes as time and hoppertoonity will aford em of putting a few things together as their long xperience has tort em is easily turned to good account.
Robert.
Entertainers Entertained.—TheDalyCo., headed by Mr.Augustin Dalyand MissAda Rehan, were lunch'd by theLord Mayor, July 16, at the Munching House.Lord Mayorpaid sincere tribute to the American Company, andAugustin Dalyheartily thanked the City of London. The U.S. Minister found a Link between the two countries in the great Dramatic LightShakspeare. "And so say all of U.S." ManagerDalyforgot to mention, that, as he has to leave England in the autumn, he ought to change the termination of his name to suit the term of his stay here, and be "August-out Daly" instead of "August-in."
Mrs. R.wants to know if "The Hardwicke Society" has anything to do with the improvement of candles and candle-lamps?
Another Honour for Dr. Grace!—The eminent batsman is to be invited to the next "Court Ball."