a.d.1760.Sleep, my little ugling,Daddy's gone a-smuggling,Daddy's gone to Roscoff in theMevagissey Maid,A sloop of ninety tonsWith ten brass-carriage guns,To teach the King's ships manners and respect for honest trade.Hush, my joy and sorrow,Daddy'll come to-morrowBringing baccy, tea and snuff and brandy home from France;And he'll run the goods ashoreWhile the old Collectors snoreAnd the wicked troopers gamble in the dens of Penzance.Rock-a-bye, my honey,Daddy's making money;You shall be a gentleman and sail with privateers,With a silver cup for sackAnd a blue coat on your back,With diamonds on your finger-bones and gold rings in your ears.Patlander.
a.d.1760.
a.d.1760.
Sleep, my little ugling,Daddy's gone a-smuggling,Daddy's gone to Roscoff in theMevagissey Maid,A sloop of ninety tonsWith ten brass-carriage guns,To teach the King's ships manners and respect for honest trade.
Sleep, my little ugling,
Daddy's gone a-smuggling,
Daddy's gone to Roscoff in theMevagissey Maid,
A sloop of ninety tons
With ten brass-carriage guns,
To teach the King's ships manners and respect for honest trade.
Hush, my joy and sorrow,Daddy'll come to-morrowBringing baccy, tea and snuff and brandy home from France;And he'll run the goods ashoreWhile the old Collectors snoreAnd the wicked troopers gamble in the dens of Penzance.
Hush, my joy and sorrow,
Daddy'll come to-morrow
Bringing baccy, tea and snuff and brandy home from France;
And he'll run the goods ashore
While the old Collectors snore
And the wicked troopers gamble in the dens of Penzance.
Rock-a-bye, my honey,Daddy's making money;You shall be a gentleman and sail with privateers,With a silver cup for sackAnd a blue coat on your back,With diamonds on your finger-bones and gold rings in your ears.
Rock-a-bye, my honey,
Daddy's making money;
You shall be a gentleman and sail with privateers,
With a silver cup for sack
And a blue coat on your back,
With diamonds on your finger-bones and gold rings in your ears.
Patlander.
Patlander.
That reminds meMotorist."That reminds me—I never posted that letter."
Dear Mr. Punch,—I enclose a cut fromLe Radical, one of the leading Mauritius papers, and on behalf of the lovers of our national game in the island venture to ask for information regarding the last match recorded:—
"Londres, 14 mai, 4 hresp.m.—Mary-le-bone a battu Nottingham par 5 wickets; Lancashire a battu Leichester; Sussex a battu Warrick. En second lieu un joueur du Sussex a abattu H. Wilson par 187 wickets."
We are much perturbed at the strange developments that are evidently taking place in the game at home. Was this match, we want to know, a single-wicket game between the Sussex player andH. Wilson? If so how did he beat him by 187 wickets?
An ex-captain of the Cambridge eleven living here is of the opinion that, in order to make cricket more popular, the numbers of the opposing sides are being increased, and that this match must have been between a team of, say, a couple of hundred Sussex players and one of a like number captained byH. Wilson, and that only some dozen wickets had fallen in the second innings when the match ended. If this is the correct interpretation we should be very grateful for the rules, plan of the field, etc., as we are most anxious to move with the times in this little outpost of Empire.
I fear however that we shall have some difficulty here in raising two teams of more than a hundred-a-side.
We presume that, as a match of eleven-a-side takes two or three days to finish, about six or eight weeks are allotted to this new game.
Any help that you can give us, Sir, will be much appreciated.
Yours faithfully,
M.C.C.
As an interesting supplement to the announcement that SirThomas Liptonhas kindly placed his bungalows and estates in Ceylon at the disposal of the East and West Films, Limited, for the filming of The Life ofBuddha, we are glad to learn that preparations are already well advanced for the presentation of the Life ofHannibalon the screen.
Messrs. Sowerly and Bitterton, the well-known vinegar manufacturers, have undertaken to provide the necessary plant for illustration of the famous exploit of splitting the rocks with that disintegrating condiment, and Messrs. Rappin and Jebb, the famous cutlers, have been approached with a view to furnish the necessary implements for the portrayal of the tragedy of the Caudine Forks. Professor Chollop, who is superintending the taking of the pictures of the battle of Cannæ and the subsequent period of repose at Capua in their proper atmosphere, states that he is receiving every support from the local condottieri, pifferari, banditti and lazzaroni, and expects to be able to complete his task by the late autumn.
A certain amount of antagonism, on humanitarian grounds, has been shown by the Italian Government to the importation of a herd of elephants, which were essential to the realistic depiction of the passage of the Alps by the Carthaginian army; but it is hoped that by the use of skis the transit may be effected without undue casualties among the elephantine fraternity.
LordFisherhas been invited to impersonateScipio, and therôleofFabius, the originator of the "Wait and See" policy, has been offered to Mr.Asquith, but authentic details are as yet lacking as to their decision.
THE BLAMELESS ACCOMPLICE.THE BLAMELESS ACCOMPLICE.Irish Railwayman(to Sinn Fein Assassin). "YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT. DETESTING MURDER, AS MR. THOMAS SAYS I DO, I'VE TAKEN CARE THAT THAT FELLOW SHOULD HAVE NO AMMUNITION."["The Irish members of the N.U.R. expressed publicly their feeling of disgust at murder and outrage."—Mr. J.H.Thomas.]
Irish Railwayman(to Sinn Fein Assassin). "YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT. DETESTING MURDER, AS MR. THOMAS SAYS I DO, I'VE TAKEN CARE THAT THAT FELLOW SHOULD HAVE NO AMMUNITION."
["The Irish members of the N.U.R. expressed publicly their feeling of disgust at murder and outrage."—Mr. J.H.Thomas.]
Monday, June 21st.—While thePrime Ministerwas celebrating the longest—and pretty nearly the hottest—day by avin d'honneurat Boulogne Mr.Bonar Lawhad to content himself with small beer in the Commons.
The Government, it seems, is to offer its services to effect a peaceful settlement between the ImamYahyaand the SaidIdrissi, who are rival rulers in Arabia. There is believed to be a possibility that in return the said Said will offer his services to effect a peaceful settlement in Hibernia Infelix.
The Government is not so indifferent to economy as is sometimes suggested. ThePrime Minister'sfamous letter to the Departments was only written in August last, yet already, Mr.Bonar Lawassured the House, some progress has been made in reducing redundant staffs, and the Government has appointed—no, I beg pardon, "decided to appoint"—independent Committees to carry out investigations. The hustlers!
Do you expect me to send the Sergeant-at-ArmsDo you expect me to send the Sergeant-at-Arms to fetch the Minister of Transport?—TheSpeaker.
Do you expect me to send the Sergeant-at-Arms to fetch the Minister of Transport?—TheSpeaker.
The Member for Wood Green, who urged that the Treasury should prepare an estimate of the national income, with the view of limiting the national expenditure to a definite proportion of that amount, displayed, it seems to me, amazing temerity. The course of taxation in recent years encourages the belief that the only thing that restrains theChancellor of the Exchequerfrom taking our little all is that he does not know how much it is.
Capt.Wedgewood Benn'scomplaint that theMinister of Transporthabitually absented himself from the House met with little encouragement from theSpeaker, who sarcastically inquired if he should send theSerjeant-at-Armsto fetch the delinquent. Capt.Bennthen dropped the subject, and SirColin Keppellooked relieved.
The Government insisted on taking the Report stage and Third Reading of the Rent (Restrictions) Bill at one sitting, and kept the House up till half-past three in order to do it. Dr.Addisonhad need of what theIron Dukecalled "two o'clock in the morning courage" to ward off attacks. Once, when SirArthur Fellwas depicting the desperate plight of the landladies of Yarmouth, forbidden under a penalty of a hundred pounds to charge more than twenty-five per cent. in excess of their pre-war prices, it looked as if the Minister must give way; but with some difficulty he convinced his critics that the clause in question had nothing to do with seaside landladies.
Tuesday, June 22nd.—In the Lords the Bishops, reinforced by the ecclesiastically-minded lay Peers, made a last attempt to throw out the Matrimonial Causes Bill. LordBrayemoved its rejection, and was supported by LordHalifaxin a speech whose pathos was even stronger than its argument, and by the Archbishop ofCanterbury, who admitted that reform of the marriage laws was required, but considered that the Bill went a great deal further than was necessary. TheLord Chancellorthereupon re-stated the case for the measure, for which be believed the Government were prepared to give facilities in the other House, and LordBuckmasterrepeated his exegesis of the vexed passage in St.Matthew'sGospel, on which the whole theological controversy turns. The Third Reading was carried by 154 votes to 107.
Mr. Denis Henry, Attorney-General for IrelandMENS ÆQUA REBUS IN ARDUIS.Mr. Denis Henry on the Irish situation.
MENS ÆQUA REBUS IN ARDUIS.
Mr. Denis Henry on the Irish situation.
The Commons in the course of the Irish Debate discussed the failure of the Government to prevent the regrettable incidents in Derry and Dublin. ColonelAshleydemanded martial law; MajorO'Neillwas for organising the loyal population; SirKeith Fraserapproved both courses and advanced the amazing proposition that the trouble in Ireland was entirely due to the religious question, and that even the Sinn Feiners were loyal to the Empire.
TheAttorney-General for Irelandpointed out that faction-fighting in Derry was endemic, and drew an amusing picture of the old city, where everyone had some kind of rabbit-hole from which he could emerge to fire a revolver. As regards the general question he denied that the Constabulary had been instructed not to shoot. On the contrary they had been told to treat attackers as "enemies in the field," and to call upon suspected persons to hold up their hands.
LordRobert Cecilwas at a loss to understand the Government that applied coercion to the very people to whom it was preparing to hand over the government of Southern Ireland, and Mr.Inskipwas equally at a loss to understand the policy of the noble lord, whoseemed to think that conciliation was incompatible with putting down crime.
Wednesday, June 23rd.—A large company, including theQueenand PrincessMary, attended the House of Lords to see PrinceAlberttake his seat as Duke ofYork. It was unfortunate that the new peer was unable to wait for the ensuing debate, for LordNewtonwas in his best form. His theme was the absurdity of the present Parliamentary arrangement under which the Peers were kept kicking their heels in London for the best months of the year, then overwhelmed with business for a week or two, and finally despatched to the country in time for the hunting season, which nowadays most of them were too much impoverished to enjoy. LordCurzoncondescended a little from his usual Olympian heights, and declared that one of the drawbacks to conducting business in that House was the difficulty of inducing noble Lords to attend it after dinner.
THE YOUNG UNIONIST MOVEMENT.THE YOUNG UNIONIST MOVEMENT."If they were to have Home Rule at all they must 'go the whole hog.'"—Mr.Ormsby Gore.
THE YOUNG UNIONIST MOVEMENT.
"If they were to have Home Rule at all they must 'go the whole hog.'"—Mr.Ormsby Gore.
To judge by Mr.Asquith'srecent speeches outside he meant to have delivered a thundering philippic against our continued occupation of Mesopotamia. Some of the sting was taken out of the indictment by the publication of an official statement showing that Great Britain was remaining there at the request of the Allies. After all, as Mr.Lloyd Georgeobserved in his reply, it would not be an economical policy to withdraw to Basra if we were to be immediately requested to return to Baghdad.
The rest of the evening was devoted to a renewal of the protests against Mr.Churchill's"Red Army." Among the critics were Mr.Esmond Harmsworthand Mr.Oswald Mosley, the two "babies" of the House, and theMinisteradopted quite a fatherly tone in recalling his own callow youth, when he too, just after the Boer War, denounced "the folly of gaudy and tinselled uniforms."
Thursday, June 24th.—On behalf of the Government LordOnslowgave a rather chilly welcome to LordBalfour of Burleigh'sBill for the regulation of advertisements. It is true that the noble author had explained that his object was to secure "publicity without offence," but I believe he had no desire to cramp thePrime Minister'sstyle.
SirEric Geddesbelongs to that wicked species offaunathat defends itself when attacked. He complained this afternoon that Mr.Asquithhad in his recent speeches "trounced a beginner," but SirEricshowed, for a novice, considerable aggressive power. He claimed that the Ministry of Transport had already saved a cool million by securing the abrogation of an extravagant contract entered into by Mr.Asquith'sGovernment. Theex Premier, however, insisted that if a mistake had been made the Railway Department of the Board of Trade could have corrected it just as well as its grandiose successor and at an infinitely smaller cost.
Dond you know der rule of der river?Naturalised Alien."Vy dond you ged oud of my vay? Dond you know der rule of der river?"Bargeman."Which? The Rhine?"
Naturalised Alien."Vy dond you ged oud of my vay? Dond you know der rule of der river?"Bargeman."Which? The Rhine?"
Naturalised Alien."Vy dond you ged oud of my vay? Dond you know der rule of der river?"
Bargeman."Which? The Rhine?"
(With profound acknowledgment to the writer of the article on "Heroine Worship" in "The Times" of June 24th.)
(With profound acknowledgment to the writer of the article on "Heroine Worship" in "The Times" of June 24th.)
While thrones and dynasties have rocked or fallen in the great world upheaval of the last six years, there remains one form of monarchy which has proved impervious to all the shocks of circumstance—the monarchy of genius. If proof be demanded of this assertion we need only point to the wonderful manifestations of loyalty evoked in the last week by the advent of the Queen of the Film World and her admirable consort. The adoration ofMary Pickfordhas been compared with that ofMary Queen of Scots, and not without some show of reason, for the appeal which her acting, makes is always to the sense of chivalry which, in however sentimental a form, is characteristic of our race.
But the noble adulation which the latest of our royal visitors inspires is deeper and more universal than that prompted by the charm and the misfortunes of her namesake.Mary Queen of Scots, as the evidence of contemporary portraits conclusively establishes, was not conspicuous for her personal beauty. In the "Queen business" she was a failure, and her prestige is largely if not entirely posthumous. Her character has been impugned by historians; even her most faithful champions have not pronounced her impeccable.
Centuries were necessary to raiseMary Queen of Scotsto her somewhat insecure pinnacle of devotion; by the alchemy of a machine centuries have been shortened to days and nights in the meteoric career of MissPickford. Yet merit has joined fortune in high cabal. Handicapped by a somewhat uneuphonious patronymic,Mary Pickfordhas established her rule without recourse to any of the disputable methods adopted by her predecessor. At home in all the "palaces" of both hemispheres, she owes her triumphs to the triple endowment of genius, loveliness and gentleness. Moreover, in the highest sense she is truly an ambassadress of our race, for the kiss which she so graciously bestowed on Mlle.Suzanne Lenglenat Wimbledon on Wednesday last has probably done even more to heal the wounds inflicted on our gallant Allies by the disastrous policy of Mr.Lloyd Georgethan the heroic efforts ofThe Timesto maintain the Entente in its integrity.
The parallels and contrasts withMary Queen of Scotsneed not be further laboured. But far too little stress has been laid on the rare felicity of a union which links the name of Mary with that of Douglas. The annals of British chivalry contain no more romantic or splendid entries than those associated with SirJames Douglas, alternately styled the "Good" and the "Black," hero of seventy battles and the victor in fifty-seven, peerless as a raider, who crowned a glorious career by his mission to Palestine with the embalmed heart ofBruce, and his death in action against the Moors. His illustrious namesake is now conducting a "raid" on our shores of a purely educational and humanitarian nature, and our welcome, while it expresses the rare and momentous influence of the film, is no mere gratitude for pleasure afforded; it is rather the recognition of a human touch tending to make the whole English-speaking world kin.
The visit is not unattended by risks, for the ardour of enthusiasm imposes a corresponding strain on the endurance of this august and inimitable pair. But there can be no doubt as to the absolute sincerity and spontaneity of these marvellous demonstrations of loyal affection. We can only hope that, to borrow the noble phrase of the Roman Senate in their address toNeroon the death ofAgrippina, QueenPickfordthe First may "endure her felicity with fortitude." Conspicuous grandeur has its penalties as well as its privileges, but the chivalric instinct is still alive in our midst; and all of us who are not perverted or debased by the malign "wizardry" of thePrime Ministerwill spring to the defence ofMary"the Sweetheart of the World," andDouglas"tender and true," in their hours of peril. In that high emprise the gentlemen of the world, however humble, stand, as of old time, side by side and shoulder to shoulder.
THE IRRESISTIBLE MEETS THE IMMOVABLE.THE IRRESISTIBLE MEETS THE IMMOVABLE.Scene:Exclusive West-End Square, with passing procession of "Reds."The Flag-bearer."Comrade, the Revolution is 'ere!"The Complete Butler."Ar! Will you kindly deliver it at the harea hentrance?"
THE IRRESISTIBLE MEETS THE IMMOVABLE.
Scene:Exclusive West-End Square, with passing procession of "Reds."
The Flag-bearer."Comrade, the Revolution is 'ere!"
The Complete Butler."Ar! Will you kindly deliver it at the harea hentrance?"
We were sitting in the smoking-room when the Venerable Archdeacon entered. He had been so long absent that we asked him the reason.
Had he been ill?
Ill? Not he. He never was better in his life. He had merely been on a motor tour with his mother.
"Do you mean to say," someone inquired—an equally elderly member—almost with anger, certainly with a kind of outraged surprise, "that you have a mother still living?"
"Of course I have," said the Man of God. "My mother is not only living but is in the pink of condition."
"And how old is she?" the questioner continued.
"She is ninety-one," said the Archdeacon proudly.
Most of us looked at him with wonder and respect—even a touch of awe.
"And still motoring!" I commented.
"She delights in motoring."
"Well," said the angry man, "you needn't be so conceited about it. You are not the only person with an aged mother. I have a mother too."
We switched round to this new centre of surprise. It was more incredible that this man should have a mother even than the Archdeacon. No one had ever suspected him of anything so extreme, for he had a long white beard and hobbled with a stick.
"And how old may your mother be?" the Archdeacon inquired.
"My mother is ninety-two."
"And is she well and hearty?"
"My mother," he replied, "is in rude health—or, as you would say, full of beans."
The Archdeacon made a deprecatory movement, repudiating the metaphor.
"She not only motors," the layman pursued, "but she can walk. Can your mother walk?"
"I am sorry to say," said the Archdeacon, "that my mother has to be helped a good deal."
"Ha!" said the layman.
"But," the Archdeacon continued, "she has all her other faculties. Can your mother still read?"
"My mother is a most accomplished and assiduous knitter," said the bearded man.
"No doubt, no doubt," the Archdeacon agreed; "but my question was, Can she still read?"
"With glasses—yes," said the other.
"Ha!" exclaimed the Archdeacon, "I thought so. Now my dear mother can still read the smallest print without glasses."
We murmured our approval.
"And more," the Archdeacon went on, "she can thread her own needle."
We approved again.
"That's all very well," said the other, "but sight is not everything. Can your mother hear?"
"She can hear all that I say to her," replied the Archdeacon.
"Ah! but you probably raise your voice, and she is accustomed to it. Could she hear a stranger? Could she hear me?"
Remembering the tone of some of his after-lunch conversations I suggested that perhaps it would be well if on occasions she could not. He glowered down such frivolousness and proceeded with his cross-examination. "Are you trying to assure us that your mother is not in the least bit deaf?"
"Well," the Archdeacon conceded, "I could not go so far as to say that her hearing is still perfect."
The layman smiled his satisfaction. "In other words," he said, "she uses a trumpet?"
The Archdeacon was silent.
"She uses a trumpet, Sir? Admit it."
"Now and then," said the Archdeacon, "my dear mother has recourse to that aid."
"I knew it!" exclaimed the other. "My mother can hear every word. She goes to the theatre too. Now your mother would have to go to the cinema if she wished to be entertained."
"My mother," said the Archdeacon, "would not be interested in the cinema" (he pronounced it ki-nēma); "her mind is of a more serious turn."
"My mother is young enough to be interested in anything," said the other. "And there is not one of her thirty-eight grandchildren of whose progress she is not kept closely informed."
He leaned back with a gesture of triumph.
"How many grandchildren did you say?" the Archdeacon inquired. "I didn't quite catch."
"Thirty-eight," the other man replied.
Across the cleric's ascetic features a happy smile slowly and conqueringly spread. "My mother," he said, "has fifty-two grandchildren. And now," he turned to me, "which of us would you say has won this entertaining contest?"
"I should not like to decide," I said. "I am—fortunately perhaps for your mothers—no Solomon. My verdict is that both of you are wonderfully lucky men."
E.V.L.
and how are you?Valetudinarian."I've got cirrhosis of the liver, an incipient carbuncle on my neck, inflammation of the duodenum, septic sore throat and general prostration."Sympathetic Friend."Well, and how are you?"
Valetudinarian."I've got cirrhosis of the liver, an incipient carbuncle on my neck, inflammation of the duodenum, septic sore throat and general prostration."
Sympathetic Friend."Well, and how are you?"
"Grey African Parrot ... every question fully answered; £10 or offers."—Weekly Paper.
"Grey African Parrot ... every question fully answered; £10 or offers."—Weekly Paper.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
We have had to wait four years for the concluding volumes ofThe Life of Benjamin Disraeli(Murray), but, as the engaged couple said of the tunnel, "it was worth it," for in the interval Mr.Bucklehas been able to enrich his work with a wealth of new material. This includesDisraeli'scorrespondence withQueen Victoriaduring his two Premierships, and the still more remarkable letters that he wrote to the two favoured sisters,Anne, LadyChesterfield, andSelina, LadyBradford, during the last eight years of his life. To one or other of them he wrote almost every day, and from the sixteen hundred letters that have been preserved Mr.Bucklehas selected with happy discretion a multitude of passages which throw a vivid light upon the political events of the time and uponDisraeli'sown character. Whereas the first four volumes of the biography might be likened to a good sound Burgundy, thanks to these letters the last two sparkle and stimulate like a vintage champagne. As we read them we seem to be present at the scenes described, to overhear the discussions at the Cabinet, to catch a glimpse of the actorsen déshabillé. Mr.Bucklesays that "Disraeli, from first to last, regarded his life as a brightly tinted romance, with himself as hero." In one of his letters to LadyBradfordhe says, "I live for Power and the Affections." A poseur, no doubt, he was, but not a charlatan. His industry was amazing and his insight almost uncanny. "I know not why Japan should not become the Sardinia of the Mongolian East," he writes in 1875. To the political student these Volumes will be almost as fruitful a field asBurke; for myself, I have found them more fascinating than any novel.
It seams a great pity that Mr.Kipling'sLetters of Travel(Macmillan) contains nothing later than 1913. It would have been particularly interesting to see how far the events of the great tragedy might have modified or aggravated his scorn against those who do not see eye to eye with him. In the pre-warKipling, as we have him here, "Labour" is always the enemy, "Democracy" the hypocritical cant of cranks and slackers. What do they know of England who onlyKiplingknow? Well, they know one side of it, and a fine side. The first sheaf of letters—"From Tideway to Tideway (1892)"—describes a tour through America and Canada, with a rather too obvious bias against the habits and institutions of the former, but with so eloquent a presentation of the dream and fact of imperial pioneering service that it might draw even from a Little Englander, "Almost thou persuadest me!" "Letters to the Family" deals with the Canada of 1907, a very different entity from the Canada of to-day after the later Imperial Conferences and five years' trial of war, but none the less interesting to hear about. A voyage in 1913, undertaken "for no other reason but to discover the sun," is the begetter of the third group, "Egypt and the Egyptians," the first letter of which will not, I imagine, be reprinted and framed by the P. and O. Brilliant word-pictures of things seen, thumbnail sketches of odd characters, clever records of remembered speech, intelligent comment from a well-defined point of view—these you will have expected, and will get.
LadyDorothy Mills, who has already made some success as a holder of the mirror up to a certain section of ultra-smart society, continues this benevolent work in her new novel,The Laughter of Fools(Duckworth). It is a clever tale, almost horridly well told, about the war-time behaviour of the rottenest idle-rich element, in the disorganised and hectic London of 1917-18. Perhaps the observation is superficial; but, just so far as it pretends to go, LadyDorothy'smethod does undoubtedly get home. Her heroine,Louise, is a detestable little egoist, whose vanity and entire lack ofmoralrender her an easy victim to the vampire crowd into which she drifts. The "sensation" scenes, night club orgies, dope parties and the like will probably bring the book a boom of curiosity; but there are not wanting signs, in the author's easy unforced method, that with a larger theme she may one day write a considerably bigger book.The Laughter of Fools, one may say, ends tragically;Louise, after exhausting all her other activities, being left about to join a nursing expedition to Northern Russia. Which, judging by previous revelations of her general incompetence, is where the tragedy comes in—for the prospective patients. A moral rather carefully unmoralised is how I should sum up an unpleasant but shrewdly written tale.
ToThe Diary of a U-Boat Commander(Hutchinson) "Etienne" adds an introduction and some explanatory notes. In one of these notes we are told that the Diary was left in a locker when the Commander handed over his boat to the British. We are all at liberty to form any opinion we like on the use made of this Diary and I am not going to reveal mine. For, after all, it is the book itself—however produced—that matters, and even those of us who are getting a little shy of literature connected with the War will find something original and intriguing in this Diary. With what seems to me unnecessary frankness the publisher refers to the Commander's "incredible exploits and adventures on the high seas." For my own part my powers of belief in regard to the War are almost unlimited, and the only thing that really staggers me here is the mentality of the diarist. From the record of his purely private life, which is also exposed in these pages, I gather that he was as unfortunate in love as in war; but he seems to have loved with a whole-hearted passion that goes far to redeem him. I must add a word of praise for Mr.Frank Mason'sillustrations, which contributed generously to my entertainment.
Life is very dull, my dear Rox.Alexander(bored). "Life is very dull, my dear Rox. No more worlds to—"Roxana."Oh, nonsense, Alec! There's always something to do. I wish you'd go into the kitchen and discharge that Cappadocian cook. She drinks."
Alexander(bored). "Life is very dull, my dear Rox. No more worlds to—"
Roxana."Oh, nonsense, Alec! There's always something to do. I wish you'd go into the kitchen and discharge that Cappadocian cook. She drinks."
Epilogue
Mr. Punch had kissed the lady's hand and she had smiled upon him very graciously, for they were old friends.
"I have brought you a letter from myself," he said.
"Shall I read it while you wait?" said Madame la France.
"Please, no. I never read my contributors' compositions in their presence. It is embarrassing to both sides. And I want you to take your time over this one, and consider carefully whether it is suitable for publication in your Press. I have enclosed a stamped and addressed envelope, to be utilized in the event of your deciding to return my communication with regrets. In any case I propose to publish it in my own paper,The London Charivari."
[Here begins the letter:—
"Nearest and Dearest of Allies.—You and I (I speak for my country, though I have not been asked to do so) have gone through so much together that it would be an infinite pity if any misunderstanding were suffered to cloud our friendship for want of a little candour on my part. NoEntentecan retain its cordiality without mutual candour; and hitherto the reticence has been all on our side.
"Not when your splendid courage and your noble sacrifices gave us a theme; then we were always frankly loud in our admiration; but when we reflected upon what I may venture to call your faults and failings. Whatever we may have thought about them during all those terrible years, you will find in our public statements no note of criticism and not a single word that did not breathe a true loyalty. You too were generous in your praise of us when we won battles; and at the end, with your ownFochfor witness, you were quick to recognise what part we played in those great Autumn days that brought the crowning victory. But it almost looks as if your memory of our brotherhood in arms were beginning to fail; as if we, who were then hailed as your 'glorious Ally,' were about to resume our old name—it has already been revived in some quarters—of 'Perfide Albion.'
"Oh, I know that the best of France is loyal to us; that her true chivalry understands. But what of your public that is all ear for the so-calledEcho de Paris, with its constant incitement to jealousy and suspicion of England? What of your second-rate Press and its pin-pricking policy, connived at, if not actually encouraged, by your Government?
"Of course I recognise that you never really liked the idea of all those British soldiers making themselves at home in your country, though they did it as nicely as it could be done, and made hosts of friends in the process. I can believe that we should not have been too well pleased at having a like number of French troops established between Dover and London. I don't say we should have charged you rent for every yard of theirtrenches or claimed heavy damages for any injury they might have done to our roads in the course of defending the Metropolis from our common enemy. But we certainly should not have been depressed when we found that they needn't stay any longer. Still I hope we should have registered on the tablets of our hearts a permanent record indicating that we appreciated their friendliness in coming to our support.
"But I am told that the secret of the present attitude of our French critics is that they cannot forgive us for having used the soil of France in order to defend our own. Is this quite fair or even decent? Let me refresh their memory of the motive that brought us into this War. The true motive was not to be found in the duty imposed upon us by Germany's breach of the Belgian Treaty, though that in itself furnished us with an unanswerable reason. The true motive was our desire to help you. We had nothing in those days to fear for ourselves. We knew that our Fleet was strong enough to protect our own shores. We had not yet appreciated the submarine menace; we did not recognise what your loss of the Channel ports might mean for us. We entered the War because we could not look on and see you overwhelmed.
"You complain, again, that, in contrast to yourselves, we have got all we wanted out of the War. As a fact we wanted nothing; but let that pass. You point to the destruction of the German Fleet as if it were a private gain for us and us alone, and not the removal of a danger to the whole world. And what of the German armies—now in process of reduction to a mere police force? Did you derive no advantage from the overthrow of a system which was always a greater menace to you than the German Fleet ever was to us? And, though we did not pretend to be a military nation, had we not some little share in that achievement?
"And what of yourrevanche? How do the German Colonies, which we have freed and now hold in trust—how do these compare with your solid recovery of Alsace-Lorraine? No, you have not come badly out of Armageddon.
"Oh, you have suffered, that we know; you have suffered even more than we, who at least were spared the ravaging of our lands. And never for a moment do we forget this. But you too must not forget that where the soil of France suffered most there thickest lie our English dead, who fought for England's freedom, yes, but for your freedom too. And it is we who stand by you still, pledged to be once more at your side if the same peril ever come again; though America, for whom nothing was once too good, should fail you in your need.
"There, I have said what I wanted to say; what your best friends here have been thinking this many a day. For your best friends are not, as you might imagine, to be found in a certain section of our Press who for their own political or private ends are prepared to encourage all your suspicions if so they may injure the good name of our statesmen who meet you in council for the common cause. Your best friends are the men who deplore those suspicions; who beg you, as I do here, to get them swept away as being unworthy of a great nation and a great alliance.
"For this end, Believe me, dear Madame, to be at your service as always,
Here ends the letter.]
"And now, dear lady," said Mr. Punch, "let me say that, if there is anything in this letter which seems—but only on the surface—to be inconsistent with my profound devotion to your person, it is the first word of the kind that I have put on paper since our friendship began. All through the War and the hardly less trying times of Peace that have followed it I have not once swerved from my loyalty to you. Accept, I beg of you, the renewed assurance of my affection the most sincere, and, for token, this latest of a series in which you will find many proofs of the love I bear you—my
Accept this token
Index
Partridge, BernardAir-Craftiness, 471Another Reservation, 111Blameless Accomplice (The), 511Dark Horse (A), 431Exit the Ministering Angel, 371Forgotten Cause (The), 211Great Improviser (The), 451His First Patient, 491Homage from the Brave, 391Hope of the World (The), 271In a Cushy Cause, 331International Eurhythmics, 151Kindest Cut of All (The), 191Levy on Patriotism (A), 291Limit—and Beyond (The), 411Occasional Comrades, 251Reckoning (The), 351Restoring the Balance, 311Return of the ex-Champion (The), 171Rouge Gagne, 71Test of Sagacity (A), 131Unpopular Revival (An), 231Woman of Some Importance (A), 91Raven-Hill, L.Conscientious Burglar (The), 103Converted Spirit (A), 183Dachswolf (The), 243Direct Reaction, 463Disturber of the Peace (A), 323Downing Street Melodrama (A), 83Elusive Pest (The), 163Even-handed Justice, 51Expert Opinion, 363From Triumph to Triumph, 343Heir-Presumptive (The), 31His Own Business, 403Irremovables (The), 143Lovers' Quarrels, 303Midsummer Nightmare (A), 483More Haste—Less Meat, 443New Coalition (The), 123Paradise Lost Again?, 503Popular Reappearance (A), 63Reluctant Thruster (The), 383St. Patrick's Day Dream (A), 203Sounding the "All Clear", 11What's in a Name?, 223Withdrawal from Moscow (The), 283Reynold, Frank"Positively Last" Appearance (A), 3Townsend, F.H.Another Turkish Concession, 23Envoys Extraordinary, 423"Oliver 'Asks' for More", 263"Wanted", 43
Partridge, BernardAir-Craftiness, 471Another Reservation, 111Blameless Accomplice (The), 511Dark Horse (A), 431Exit the Ministering Angel, 371Forgotten Cause (The), 211Great Improviser (The), 451His First Patient, 491Homage from the Brave, 391Hope of the World (The), 271In a Cushy Cause, 331International Eurhythmics, 151Kindest Cut of All (The), 191Levy on Patriotism (A), 291Limit—and Beyond (The), 411Occasional Comrades, 251Reckoning (The), 351Restoring the Balance, 311Return of the ex-Champion (The), 171Rouge Gagne, 71Test of Sagacity (A), 131Unpopular Revival (An), 231Woman of Some Importance (A), 91
Partridge, Bernard
Air-Craftiness, 471
Another Reservation, 111
Blameless Accomplice (The), 511
Dark Horse (A), 431
Exit the Ministering Angel, 371
Forgotten Cause (The), 211
Great Improviser (The), 451
His First Patient, 491
Homage from the Brave, 391
Hope of the World (The), 271
In a Cushy Cause, 331
International Eurhythmics, 151
Kindest Cut of All (The), 191
Levy on Patriotism (A), 291
Limit—and Beyond (The), 411
Occasional Comrades, 251
Reckoning (The), 351
Restoring the Balance, 311
Return of the ex-Champion (The), 171
Rouge Gagne, 71
Test of Sagacity (A), 131
Unpopular Revival (An), 231
Woman of Some Importance (A), 91
Raven-Hill, L.Conscientious Burglar (The), 103Converted Spirit (A), 183Dachswolf (The), 243Direct Reaction, 463Disturber of the Peace (A), 323Downing Street Melodrama (A), 83Elusive Pest (The), 163Even-handed Justice, 51Expert Opinion, 363From Triumph to Triumph, 343Heir-Presumptive (The), 31His Own Business, 403Irremovables (The), 143Lovers' Quarrels, 303Midsummer Nightmare (A), 483More Haste—Less Meat, 443New Coalition (The), 123Paradise Lost Again?, 503Popular Reappearance (A), 63Reluctant Thruster (The), 383St. Patrick's Day Dream (A), 203Sounding the "All Clear", 11What's in a Name?, 223Withdrawal from Moscow (The), 283
Raven-Hill, L.
Conscientious Burglar (The), 103
Converted Spirit (A), 183
Dachswolf (The), 243
Direct Reaction, 463
Disturber of the Peace (A), 323
Downing Street Melodrama (A), 83
Elusive Pest (The), 163
Even-handed Justice, 51
Expert Opinion, 363
From Triumph to Triumph, 343
Heir-Presumptive (The), 31
His Own Business, 403
Irremovables (The), 143
Lovers' Quarrels, 303
Midsummer Nightmare (A), 483
More Haste—Less Meat, 443
New Coalition (The), 123
Paradise Lost Again?, 503
Popular Reappearance (A), 63
Reluctant Thruster (The), 383
St. Patrick's Day Dream (A), 203
Sounding the "All Clear", 11
What's in a Name?, 223
Withdrawal from Moscow (The), 283
Reynold, Frank"Positively Last" Appearance (A), 3
Reynold, Frank
"Positively Last" Appearance (A), 3
Townsend, F.H.Another Turkish Concession, 23Envoys Extraordinary, 423"Oliver 'Asks' for More", 263"Wanted", 43
Townsend, F.H.
Another Turkish Concession, 23
Envoys Extraordinary, 423
"Oliver 'Asks' for More", 263
"Wanted", 43