Brief libretto for a Trades-Unionist Grand Opera written up to date.
Brief libretto for a Trades-Unionist Grand Opera written up to date.
The Scene represents a Country Mansion surrounded by its grounds. Members of the New Labour Electoral Association discovered hanging about in threatening attitudes. As the Curtain rises they sing the following Chorus:—
Chorus.
Chorus.
Seeus here, in jubilation,A brand-new Association.Still, the truth to tell, althoughWhat we want we don't quite know.We are bound the world to wake,If sufficient noise we make.Hail our programme then with bliss,Which is, briefly stated, this:No longer we'll trust representative nous,But force for ourselves Parliamentary gates,As Members we'll take our own seats in the House,And have our expenses paid out of the rates.
Seeus here, in jubilation,A brand-new Association.Still, the truth to tell, althoughWhat we want we don't quite know.We are bound the world to wake,If sufficient noise we make.Hail our programme then with bliss,Which is, briefly stated, this:No longer we'll trust representative nous,But force for ourselves Parliamentary gates,As Members we'll take our own seats in the House,And have our expenses paid out of the rates.
Seeus here, in jubilation,
A brand-new Association.
Still, the truth to tell, although
What we want we don't quite know.
We are bound the world to wake,
If sufficient noise we make.
Hail our programme then with bliss,
Which is, briefly stated, this:
No longer we'll trust representative nous,
But force for ourselves Parliamentary gates,
As Members we'll take our own seats in the House,
And have our expenses paid out of the rates.
A Local Ratepayer(andante).
A Local Ratepayer(andante).
Nay, nay! To take your seats, you're free,But not, oh! not, to burthen me!Enough am I already charged,And would not see the sum enlarged,Your pay,—that is your own affair;I care not whence it emanates:I only most distinctly swear,You shall not get it from the rates.
Nay, nay! To take your seats, you're free,But not, oh! not, to burthen me!Enough am I already charged,And would not see the sum enlarged,Your pay,—that is your own affair;I care not whence it emanates:I only most distinctly swear,You shall not get it from the rates.
Nay, nay! To take your seats, you're free,
But not, oh! not, to burthen me!
Enough am I already charged,
And would not see the sum enlarged,
Your pay,—that is your own affair;
I care not whence it emanates:
I only most distinctly swear,
You shall not get it from the rates.
Chorus(advancing on him threateningly).
Chorus(advancing on him threateningly).
Be still, and know that the whole nation,Bows down to the Association![The Local Ratepayer cowers before them.And yet this question of the landWe own we don't quite understand.Is there no specialist who'll tryTo make it clear?
Be still, and know that the whole nation,Bows down to the Association![The Local Ratepayer cowers before them.And yet this question of the landWe own we don't quite understand.Is there no specialist who'll tryTo make it clear?
Be still, and know that the whole nation,
Bows down to the Association!
[The Local Ratepayer cowers before them.
And yet this question of the land
We own we don't quite understand.
Is there no specialist who'll try
To make it clear?
EnterMr.Joseph Arch.He bounds into their midst.Mr. Joseph Arch.
EnterMr.Joseph Arch.He bounds into their midst.Mr. Joseph Arch.
Why here am I!You want your intellect to march?[They express assent.Then listen all toJoseph Arch.[They group themselves in attentivepositions gracefully about him.
Why here am I!You want your intellect to march?[They express assent.Then listen all toJoseph Arch.[They group themselves in attentivepositions gracefully about him.
Why here am I!
You want your intellect to march?
[They express assent.
Then listen all toJoseph Arch.
[They group themselves in attentive
positions gracefully about him.
Ballad.
Ballad.
A man may own jewels and gold,A piano, horse, railway shares,A cellar of wine, new or old,A house, and the clothes that he wears.Everything he may sell, or may buy,That is purchased by wealth or by toil;But he mustn't own—no matter why—A single square yard of the soil.He this who fromHodge, its true owner, perverts,Is a brigand, and merits a brigand's deserts!This park that around you you see,These gardens you so much admire,Each hedgerow, each copse, every tree,Is the owner's bequeathed from his sire.He may have remitted his rents!What of that till the Nation cries "Quits!"His land, with the march of events,Being purloined and cut up into bits?For until to its true owner,Hodge, it reverts,—He's a brigand, and merits a brigand's deserts!
A man may own jewels and gold,A piano, horse, railway shares,A cellar of wine, new or old,A house, and the clothes that he wears.Everything he may sell, or may buy,That is purchased by wealth or by toil;But he mustn't own—no matter why—A single square yard of the soil.He this who fromHodge, its true owner, perverts,Is a brigand, and merits a brigand's deserts!
A man may own jewels and gold,
A piano, horse, railway shares,
A cellar of wine, new or old,
A house, and the clothes that he wears.
Everything he may sell, or may buy,
That is purchased by wealth or by toil;
But he mustn't own—no matter why—
A single square yard of the soil.
He this who fromHodge, its true owner, perverts,
Is a brigand, and merits a brigand's deserts!
This park that around you you see,These gardens you so much admire,Each hedgerow, each copse, every tree,Is the owner's bequeathed from his sire.He may have remitted his rents!What of that till the Nation cries "Quits!"His land, with the march of events,Being purloined and cut up into bits?For until to its true owner,Hodge, it reverts,—He's a brigand, and merits a brigand's deserts!
This park that around you you see,
These gardens you so much admire,
Each hedgerow, each copse, every tree,
Is the owner's bequeathed from his sire.
He may have remitted his rents!
What of that till the Nation cries "Quits!"
His land, with the march of events,
Being purloined and cut up into bits?
For until to its true owner,Hodge, it reverts,—
He's a brigand, and merits a brigand's deserts!
[At the conclusion of the balladMr.Joseph Archgives a signal and theOwner of the Propertyis led on in the custody of Trade-Union Myrmidons.
[At the conclusion of the balladMr.Joseph Archgives a signal and theOwner of the Propertyis led on in the custody of Trade-Union Myrmidons.
Chorus.
Chorus.
Rob him! fleece him! gag him! seize him!Drive him from his country place.Of his right of tenure ease him;Call him "Brigand" to his face!
Rob him! fleece him! gag him! seize him!Drive him from his country place.Of his right of tenure ease him;Call him "Brigand" to his face!
Rob him! fleece him! gag him! seize him!
Drive him from his country place.
Of his right of tenure ease him;
Call him "Brigand" to his face!
Owner of the Property(recitative).
Owner of the Property(recitative).
Oh, outrage horribleAnd entirely unsatisfactory,Thus to fasten with salutationsEminently unpalatableOn the defenceless monied one of the County!Know ye not that my venerated sire,A Soap-boiler successful in his line of businessBeyond his wildest visions,Purchased for eighty thousand pounds sterling,These acres, as an investmentSpeculative and commercial.Say, then, is it reasonable that I,His hopeful heir and offspring,Should be defrauded of what,At present prices agricultural,Is but a return dim and disappointingOn his original outlay.Why call me "Brigand"? Tell me why?
Oh, outrage horribleAnd entirely unsatisfactory,Thus to fasten with salutationsEminently unpalatableOn the defenceless monied one of the County!Know ye not that my venerated sire,A Soap-boiler successful in his line of businessBeyond his wildest visions,Purchased for eighty thousand pounds sterling,These acres, as an investmentSpeculative and commercial.Say, then, is it reasonable that I,His hopeful heir and offspring,Should be defrauded of what,At present prices agricultural,Is but a return dim and disappointingOn his original outlay.Why call me "Brigand"? Tell me why?
Oh, outrage horrible
And entirely unsatisfactory,
Thus to fasten with salutations
Eminently unpalatable
On the defenceless monied one of the County!
Know ye not that my venerated sire,
A Soap-boiler successful in his line of business
Beyond his wildest visions,
Purchased for eighty thousand pounds sterling,
These acres, as an investment
Speculative and commercial.
Say, then, is it reasonable that I,
His hopeful heir and offspring,
Should be defrauded of what,
At present prices agricultural,
Is but a return dim and disappointing
On his original outlay.
Why call me "Brigand"? Tell me why?
Mr. Joseph Arch(con fuoco).
Mr. Joseph Arch(con fuoco).
Your father had no right to buy,And, as the land toHodgeis due,We take it thus by force from you!
Your father had no right to buy,And, as the land toHodgeis due,We take it thus by force from you!
Your father had no right to buy,
And, as the land toHodgeis due,
We take it thus by force from you!
A Crowd of Radical Land Reformers rush in, and seizing on the property, hew down the timber, cut away the brushwood, and parcel it out into small allotments.
Owner of the Property(con animo).And is there for no compensation room?
Owner of the Property(con animo).And is there for no compensation room?
Mr.Joseph Arch.No! none! And now, behold the Brigand's doom!
Mr.Joseph Arch.No! none! And now, behold the Brigand's doom!
[Points triumphantly to the work at the back, while he waves the draft of a new Act of Parliament over the prostrate form of theOwner of the Property,as the Curtain slowly descends.
[Points triumphantly to the work at the back, while he waves the draft of a new Act of Parliament over the prostrate form of theOwner of the Property,as the Curtain slowly descends.
MUFTI"MUFTI."Materfamilias (flurried)."Oh, please, will Mr. Charkle come to our House directly—the Soot is falling into the Nursery, and——"Mrs. Charkle."Certainly, M'um. Leastways my 'Usbandain't in Blackhisself to-day, M'um, But I'll send Somebody at once, M'um!"
Materfamilias (flurried)."Oh, please, will Mr. Charkle come to our House directly—the Soot is falling into the Nursery, and——"
Mrs. Charkle."Certainly, M'um. Leastways my 'Usbandain't in Blackhisself to-day, M'um, But I'll send Somebody at once, M'um!"
Victim.—We should not advise you to prosecute the constable who "pummeled you severely," and then took you up for being drunk and disorderly, because you happened to drop your hymn-book on the pavement on returning from Church last Sunday evening. We cannot, either, recommend your going to the Police Station to lodge a complaint, unless you are an expert pugilist or take the precaution to wear sheet-iron next the skin. Perhaps the poor fellow was trying to introduce themassagetreatment to your attention.
Riparian Owner.—Yes, you can, if you think it worthwhile, sue the owners of the five houseboats which have moored themselves close to your front-garden, and to whose proximity you fancy the two cases of typhus and one of cholera in your family are to be attributed. You ask what the maximum costs would be. Costs are things which have no maximum. Multiply your yearly income by the number of boats, and you will be pretty near the amount.
Historical Student.—1.Thomas Cromwellwas called the "Lord Protector" because he protected the Lord Chancellor (Wolsey) from the King's vengeance. 2. No, the expression "short commons" has nothing do with the Long Parliament.
Politician.—1. You are under a misapprehension in supposing that Mr.Chamberlainhas undertaken to delimit the Afghan frontier. He has been appointed a Fishery Commissioner, with full power to investigate the condition of the Margate whelk-trade. 2. North Sea "Smacksmen" are not so called in consequence of their recent treatment by the Ostend fish-wives.
Votary of Science.—The Antarctic regions were so named to distinguish them from the Arctic regions. A rather illiterate sea-captain discovered them, and at once exclaimed, "Why, theseAint Arctic!" They have retained this quaint title ever since.—No, the British Association does not require its members to have, as you suppose, "a profound knowledge of Chemistry, Physiology, Dynamics, and all other branches of Modern Science." Payment of a guinea entrance-fee is all that is needed.
Nervous Invalid.—It is unfortunate that the last Southbourne Park train, should "blow off steam and whistle continuously for half an hour under your windows," at 1.30A.M.Still, this does not quite excuse your smashing all the furniture and throwing the fire-irons into the street in one of the paroxysms you speak of. When you have a lucid interval write to the Company. No, don't "put a bullet through the engine-driver's head," as you suggest. Try amandamusfirst,—also try some soothing syrup.
Anxious Engineer.—You ask "if there is any danger attending the experiment of mixing equal parts of nitro-glycerine, gun-cotton, and sulphuric acid in an iron tank in your back-garden?" We have never tried it, so cannot say. The bestmodus operandiwould be to invite your landlord, mother-in-law, and nearest tax-collector to come and see the fun. Go off yourself to the seaside, and get one of them to do the mixing. You would be sure to be interested in the result.
(A Chaunt by an ex-Champion.)Air—"The Lost Chord."
(A Chaunt by an ex-Champion.)Air—"The Lost Chord."
Runningone day on the "Cinder,"I led all the field with ease;I felt I was going strongly,I romped in quite "as you please."I knew not what I was doing,I was "fit as a fiddle" then,I never shall make again.It flooded the sporting papers,I got the pedestrian palm.They called me Champion of Champions;The praise in my ears was balm.But another "Ped."—confound him!—"Cut" my record, in our next strife,By exactly one-tenth of a second.I should like to have his life!I was Champion of Champions no longer,Gone, gone was my pride, my peace.Oh, the cheers for my hated supplanter!I thought they would never cease.I have struggled, but struggled vainly,By practice and training fine,To regain once more that "Record,"Which for a brief month was mine.It may be the man who licked meWill be licked by yet better men,But the "Record" I lost that morningInever shall win again.
Runningone day on the "Cinder,"I led all the field with ease;I felt I was going strongly,I romped in quite "as you please."I knew not what I was doing,I was "fit as a fiddle" then,I never shall make again.
Runningone day on the "Cinder,"
I led all the field with ease;
I felt I was going strongly,
I romped in quite "as you please."
I knew not what I was doing,
I was "fit as a fiddle" then,
I never shall make again.
It flooded the sporting papers,I got the pedestrian palm.They called me Champion of Champions;The praise in my ears was balm.But another "Ped."—confound him!—"Cut" my record, in our next strife,By exactly one-tenth of a second.I should like to have his life!
It flooded the sporting papers,
I got the pedestrian palm.
They called me Champion of Champions;
The praise in my ears was balm.
But another "Ped."—confound him!—
"Cut" my record, in our next strife,
By exactly one-tenth of a second.
I should like to have his life!
I was Champion of Champions no longer,Gone, gone was my pride, my peace.Oh, the cheers for my hated supplanter!I thought they would never cease.I have struggled, but struggled vainly,By practice and training fine,To regain once more that "Record,"Which for a brief month was mine.It may be the man who licked meWill be licked by yet better men,But the "Record" I lost that morningInever shall win again.
I was Champion of Champions no longer,
Gone, gone was my pride, my peace.
Oh, the cheers for my hated supplanter!
I thought they would never cease.
I have struggled, but struggled vainly,
By practice and training fine,
To regain once more that "Record,"
Which for a brief month was mine.
It may be the man who licked me
Will be licked by yet better men,
But the "Record" I lost that morning
Inever shall win again.
An "Orange Free State" that should have its Liberty Curtailed.—Peel on the pavement.
An "Orange Free State" that should have its Liberty Curtailed.—Peel on the pavement.
top of illustration
Bottom half of illustration
House of Commons, Tuesday, September 13.—The House is "up," or nearly so, and if not altogether, more shame for it.Weare, as will be seen from thumb-nail sketch annexed. I'm not only up, but have been off for a clear week. Come back just to hearHarcourt'sSpeech. Liked to go finally before, butArnold Morleywouldn't let me. "Get a pair," said he, when I again broached subject, "and go as soon as you like."
All very well to say, "Get a pair," but where do they grow? In moody thought, and growing despair, metHartington'sdog. Here was chance! "Roy" rather nondescript politician. Says he's a Liberal, but barks in favour of Government, and, though admits they're not always right (opposed them, for example, on CADOGAN'S Amendment to Land Bill, and on Proclaiming of National League), yet steadily votes for them. Is, in short, a Liberal-Unionist. We're asked not to pair with Liberal-Unionists. But exceptions to every rule; will make one here. "Roy" delighted. Says he's sick of politics, and would like a roll on pasture-land.
Nearly everyone else off, pair or no pair. Irish Members, with exception ofParnell, have nowhere else to go, so make up their minds not only to stop themselves, but to be the cause of stopping in others.Parnelllong ago gone off shooting. TheO'Gorman Mahonshook his hand all the way across Palace Yard, and assured him he might go without a sense of uneasiness.
"I'll keep mee oi on things when ye'er gone, dear Bhoy," he said, giving his Chief resounding whack on back that nearly knocked him down. "We learnt a thing or two when gettin' the Bill o' Roights through, and I've seen a thrifle since."
A dreary place the House, yet struggling through fag-ends of work. Not a cheery Session from any point of view. No new reputations made; some old ones shaken, some shattered.
cartoon
Views after Breakfast.—Now to lay down the lines for my Drama.... Eleven—and the only lines I have laid down, as yet, are "Act I., Scene I!" I must stimulate my imagination by the sight of salt water.
On the Sands.—Dense crowd. Deafening noise. Penny bagpipes, comb and paper. Italian girls with accordion, trumpet from sailing-boat. '"Ere y'are for a jolly sail out, Sir!"—which happens to be just the precise thing I amnothere for. Nor (I should have thought) do I look the kind of person likely to buy that "strong and emusing toy, one penny, the little Chinese Bandalore"—but these fellows have no eye for character. Several shoeblacks very anxious to black my boots, which, as I tell them, would be "painting the lily." Don't think they understand me. Stop thoughtlessly to look at a cage containing a tree-frog and two Japanese rats. Proprietor approaches with plate: "This little Jubilee Menagerie open free to the Public," he says—"we ope the Public will respond by a similar liberality." Well, well, if I must—but it really wasnotworth a penny.
Join a crowd: a conjuror—good, I am fond of conjuring. Conjuror now going to introduce his "celebrated and favourite Shell-trick." Crowd very obligingly make way for me—capital place in front row. Conjuror takes a large Nautilus shell. I have never seen this trick—it looks a good one.... It appears this is his way of making a collection—he comes to me first. He is sure, he says (he is an impudent dog), that I shall feel hurt if he passesmeover. No change. He begs me not to get flurried—sooner than deprive me of the pleasure of patronising him,hewill give me change—he does. This is the end of the performance. Singular how depressed I feel by this petty incident. Blazers in great force on the sands. Teasing half-offended nursemaids, playing penny "nap" on newspapers, or lying in pits scooped out of sand, with their heads on the laps of their fair ones, or pursuing the fair ones, and putting sand down their backs.
Charing-CrossCharing-Cross.
Most flourishing institution on the Beach is certainly Phrenology. No less than three little platforms, each with a Consulting Chair, a table, on which stands a meek bust, and a canvas awning overhead, and row of garden-seats (free) in front. Have long wished to gain insight into this Science. Think there certainly is something in it. As a Blazer near me remarks, "Why, you'd say Cocoa-nuts looked all alike, till you come to see there's differences—and it's the same with 'eds." Cockney tone about this. To find his proper station, I should have to go, I fancy, to Charing Cross, Cannon Street, or Waterloo.
Canon's TreatCanon's Treat.
Find a Lady-Professor on first platform giving a "delineation" of a live subject—a turnip-headed little boy of three, who sits with his tongue out, under the impression he is at the Doctor's. "His self-will is strong," she is announcing in Sibylline accents to his proud parents, "and I should say you would find him very strong-willed. I should check it by curbing his will. Conjugality large, and therefore we may say that he will be fond of his wife and of his home. Self-esteem only moderate. It will be useless to bring up this little boy to any trade or business of a mechanical kind, unless he developes an after-taste for it, which I do not say he may not—far from it. But he has a brain which will fit him for great success in some artistic profession. Give him colours and a brush, and you will see he will immediately commence to paint—likewise draw. Or he has an organ with which he can be a great Composer, if you care to develope him that way. Or he would write books or poetry—that would come very easy to him, he would have no difficulty in doing it at all. I think that is all with this subject."
Water-looWater-loo.
Pass on to ProfessorPodder. Venerable gentleman with dark grey beard, and a certain ponderous playfulness. He has got a subject too—a pretty little impish girl of eight, who is struggling to suppress a fit of the giggles. "This is a thoughtful little one we 'ave here," he says, patting her hair in a fatherly way. "She thinks. Turns over things in her mind. Reflects. Compares. Memory for dates moderate. She will be fond of her home, fond of her parents. She will be capable of passing in an examination—if she takes pains. She finds no difficulty in doing anything that comes easy to her." (Here the patient giggles.) "There is one thing I should like to see—a little more Veneration. Where Veneration should be I find a distinct depression. This young lady has a keen sense of the ridiculous. Easily detects what is ridiculous." (Here the subject breaks into a scream of laughter by way of corroboration.) "I have done, young lady. Now, we have a nice large audience—I hope some other subject will oblige us by stepping up. We like to see one coming up briskly after another, you know. We don't like to be idle."
His eye seems glancing in my direction. Off to hear ProfessorSkittles. He is a bony, lantern-jawed young man, in velveteen jacket, with a puggaree round his hat. As I come up, he is delineating a lady of portentous plainness, who sits and sniggers with a dreadful bashfulness. "This young lady has a large and powerful brain," he says—"plenty of Wit and Humour, Thoughtfulness and Consideration for Others, Caution, and Memory for Events that impress her strongly. Her Social Brain is large; she is fond of Society, and likes to see others enjoying themselves. Thinks more of others' happiness than her own. We should like to see a little more 'ope."
This Professor, I find, enjoys the highest reputation; he measures more, for one thing, and has an Assistant, who enters all the measurements in a ledger, which naturally inspires confidence. The Lady delineator, I also hear, does not think it necessary to measure so much, and is of opinion that ProfessorSkittles"studies too hard."
New subject; quite a typical'Arry, round back, hock-bottle shoulders, has shambled up, and taken the chair. No forehead nor chin worth mentioning; but, as he removes his hat (which he puts on the bust), a tall crest of yellow hair starts up like a trick wig. Professor measures him solemnly as he sits with a crooked grin.
Tennis-Sun and Miltin'Tennis-Sun and Miltin'.
"The measurement of this brain is rather below the average," says the lecturer, forbearingly. "Here we have a brain measuring only eighteen and three-quarter inches. A very tall and narrow head. You would find that this gentleman arrives at his ideas without conscious reflection, or exercise of thought." ('Arrylooks gratified.) "He takes a strong and deep interest in religious subjects." (Derisive "hor-hor!" from'Arry.) "Language strong. He will find no difficulty in putting what he wishes to say into language with considerable fluency, though perhaps not with much variety. Great Firmness and Benevolence. The Moral Brain is large, and your moral standard"—("Mywhat?"interrupts'Arry, with a suspicious cock of his eye)—"Your moral standard is high." ("Right!"says'Arry, mollified, and séance terminates.)
Cam-belle.Cam-belle.
These delineators certainly put things very agreeably. One might get some useful hints, too. If ProfessorSkittlescould tell me whether I am most poetic, or witty, or dramatic, I should know exactly what to aim at in my Nautical Drama. I have never been able to decide which I love the best—Tennyson,Milton, orCampbell. And, after what he found to say about'Arry——but it is all so very public, I don't think Icouldbring myself to do it—I will go on....
I hardly know exactly how I came here—but here I am on the platform, sitting in the Professor's chair. He is measuring me with a sliding scale, the brass end of which feels cold against my forehead. Curious sensation, as if I was upside down at a Bootmaker's. Sun in my eyes. Tittering from girls on benches in front.
A party of Blazers has just come up—I fear in a frivolous spirit. Begin to wish now I had had this done privately.
The Land of the 'Arry'uns.—'Am'stead 'Eath.
The Land of the 'Arry'uns.—'Am'stead 'Eath.
pointing finger
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