OUR ADVERTISERS.

(Suggestively dedicated to Lord Bury.)

Oh! tell me not that you will "clic"When I can but "electricate,"Or, "propelected," merely "tric"A distance I might well "volate."For if to "Faradate" or "Volt"In "motored" motion I may "glide,"I wonder why I may not "bolt,"When called on to "electricide."Yet as each word I clip and splice,I'm more than half inclined to "trice."Let others "elk" until they're wild,I will not "lectroceed" or "glint,"And though their trip be "poled" or "piled"I need not "coil," or "spark," or "scint."No, if "electroflected" forceThey use to "clash" along their way,I p'raps might "ohm" upon my courseOr even "squirm," if "clicked" to-day."But no! theTimesgives sound advice,As matters stand, I think I'll "trice"!

Oh! tell me not that you will "clic"

When I can but "electricate,"

Or, "propelected," merely "tric"

A distance I might well "volate."

For if to "Faradate" or "Volt"

In "motored" motion I may "glide,"

I wonder why I may not "bolt,"

When called on to "electricide."

Yet as each word I clip and splice,

I'm more than half inclined to "trice."

Let others "elk" until they're wild,I will not "lectroceed" or "glint,"And though their trip be "poled" or "piled"I need not "coil," or "spark," or "scint."No, if "electroflected" forceThey use to "clash" along their way,I p'raps might "ohm" upon my courseOr even "squirm," if "clicked" to-day."But no! theTimesgives sound advice,As matters stand, I think I'll "trice"!

Let others "elk" until they're wild,

I will not "lectroceed" or "glint,"

And though their trip be "poled" or "piled"

I need not "coil," or "spark," or "scint."

No, if "electroflected" force

They use to "clash" along their way,

I p'raps might "ohm" upon my course

Or even "squirm," if "clicked" to-day.

"But no! theTimesgives sound advice,

As matters stand, I think I'll "trice"!

THE DON JOSÉ GIANT GRAPE GINGER BEER.—DonJosé di Gomez, Marquis ofMaxillo, Duke ofBagota, Grandee of Spain, Knight Grand Commander of the Order of the Purple Alligator, G.R.M.C.S.S., &c., &c., having, owing to some recent financial losses in connection with his ancestral estates in South Patagonia, determined to listen to the advice of experts and friends, who assure him that he possesses a complete mine of wealth in the Giant Grape Vineyards, for which his Sicilian property has long been celebrated, has made all the necessary arrangements for the manufacture of a sound and serviceable sparkling Wine, which, under the title of theDon José Giant Grape Ginger Beer, he is now prepared to supply to the general public at a moderate cost.

THE DON JOSÉ GIANT GRAPE GINGER BEER.—Is a delicious light sparkling wine, soft and smooth on the palate, of a Madeira flavour, possessing a bottled stout character, and if mixed with water strongly resembling the choicest brands of Old Burgundy, Hock, and Californian Claret, shipped from the estate direct, in cases containing one dozen, at 7s.

THE DON JOSÉ GIANT GRAPE GINGER BEER.—This exquisite beverage is also possessed of valuable medicinal advantages, and is highly recommended by the faculty as a most successful and beneficial cough mixture.

"The Latest Spring Novelty."—A Fine Day.

THE PARLIAMENTARY GOLF-LINKSTHE PARLIAMENTARY GOLF-LINKS.(A Sketch made during the Recess.)

(A Sketch made during the Recess.)

I love my Wine-merchant—he talks with a charmThat robs his most dubious vintage of harm.And the choicest Havanas less comforting areThan the fumes of his special commended cigar.I'm a reticent man, with a palate of wood,And I judge by results if a vintage be good.But I own to the charm of my Wine-merchant's worst,If he gives me his comforting flattery first.He proffers me samples to praise or to blame,And I strongly suspect they're exactly the same.But we gaze at each other with critical eye,And I wish he would hint if it's fruity or dry.I want, say, a dozen of average stuff(Though a couple of bottles were really enough),And I enter his portals, reluctant and slow,Resolved just to give him the order and go.But he takes me in hand in his soothering style,Suggests in a whisper, and "books" with a smile;And I vainly dissemble the joy in my faceWhen he ceases to ply me with bottle and case.The talk drifts away to affairs of the State,And I ought to escape, but I palter and wait;And he opens a box in the midst of his chat,And asks, like a flash, my opinion of "that"?I sniff the tobacco, and turn it aboutWith an air that is really of genuine doubt,And knowing so little what judges would say,I meekly consent to a hundred—and pay.There's a charm, when the varied consignment arrives,To men who are blest with amenable wives;But I watch myAmandawith covert alarm,And wait till she severs the Wine-merchant's charm.

I love my Wine-merchant—he talks with a charmThat robs his most dubious vintage of harm.And the choicest Havanas less comforting areThan the fumes of his special commended cigar.

I love my Wine-merchant—he talks with a charm

That robs his most dubious vintage of harm.

And the choicest Havanas less comforting are

Than the fumes of his special commended cigar.

I'm a reticent man, with a palate of wood,And I judge by results if a vintage be good.But I own to the charm of my Wine-merchant's worst,If he gives me his comforting flattery first.

I'm a reticent man, with a palate of wood,

And I judge by results if a vintage be good.

But I own to the charm of my Wine-merchant's worst,

If he gives me his comforting flattery first.

He proffers me samples to praise or to blame,And I strongly suspect they're exactly the same.But we gaze at each other with critical eye,And I wish he would hint if it's fruity or dry.

He proffers me samples to praise or to blame,

And I strongly suspect they're exactly the same.

But we gaze at each other with critical eye,

And I wish he would hint if it's fruity or dry.

I want, say, a dozen of average stuff(Though a couple of bottles were really enough),And I enter his portals, reluctant and slow,Resolved just to give him the order and go.

I want, say, a dozen of average stuff

(Though a couple of bottles were really enough),

And I enter his portals, reluctant and slow,

Resolved just to give him the order and go.

But he takes me in hand in his soothering style,Suggests in a whisper, and "books" with a smile;And I vainly dissemble the joy in my faceWhen he ceases to ply me with bottle and case.

But he takes me in hand in his soothering style,

Suggests in a whisper, and "books" with a smile;

And I vainly dissemble the joy in my face

When he ceases to ply me with bottle and case.

The talk drifts away to affairs of the State,And I ought to escape, but I palter and wait;And he opens a box in the midst of his chat,And asks, like a flash, my opinion of "that"?

The talk drifts away to affairs of the State,

And I ought to escape, but I palter and wait;

And he opens a box in the midst of his chat,

And asks, like a flash, my opinion of "that"?

I sniff the tobacco, and turn it aboutWith an air that is really of genuine doubt,And knowing so little what judges would say,I meekly consent to a hundred—and pay.

I sniff the tobacco, and turn it about

With an air that is really of genuine doubt,

And knowing so little what judges would say,

I meekly consent to a hundred—and pay.

There's a charm, when the varied consignment arrives,To men who are blest with amenable wives;But I watch myAmandawith covert alarm,And wait till she severs the Wine-merchant's charm.

There's a charm, when the varied consignment arrives,

To men who are blest with amenable wives;

But I watch myAmandawith covert alarm,

And wait till she severs the Wine-merchant's charm.

Mrs. R.is always instructing herself. She has been reading up legal technicalities. "The names," she says, "in some cases are so appropriate. I am informed that in a Divorce case, where the husband is the petitioner, the Judge issues a writ of 'Fie Fie' against the wife."

A REMINISCENCE OF LENTA REMINISCENCE OF LENT."And did you both practise a little Self-denial, and agree to give up something you were fond of?—Sugar, for instance,—as I suggested?""Well, yes, Aunty! Only it wasn't exactlySugar, you know! It wasSoapwe agreed to give up!"

"And did you both practise a little Self-denial, and agree to give up something you were fond of?—Sugar, for instance,—as I suggested?"

"Well, yes, Aunty! Only it wasn't exactlySugar, you know! It wasSoapwe agreed to give up!"

Journalistic.

"At the Duchess of Drinkwater's fashionable reunion, held last night, I noticed among the first-comers, &c.;"i.e., I got all my information, when it was over, as well as I could, from an inebriated linkman.

"What is this we hear about a certain——?" We're not certain of our authority, but can't miss the opportunity of being first in the field with the rumour of a scandal, so we put it into an interrogatory form, which can't do any harm tous.

"The greatest excitement prevails;"i.e., Two men who were not present on the occasion discuss it under a lamp-post and the influence of liquor.

Social.

"You must come and dine with me one night;"i.e., "It sounds hearty, but as a fixture I'll relegate it to the Greek Kalends."

"How well you are looking!" (to a Gentleman);i.e., "You are getting awfully stout, and must drink more than is good for you."Ditto, ditto (to a Lady);i.e., "Your figure and complexion are entirely gone."

Auctioneering.

"Old Historic House;"i.e., Dormer windows, dark rooms, and the dry rot.

"High-class Furniture;" Another term for mahogany.

"Superior Ditto;" An adjective reserved for walnut.

"Solid Ditto;" When there is no other epithet possible.

"Elegant Modern Ditto;" In the gimcrack pseudo-æsthetic style.

"Handsome Ditto;"i.e., Consoles, any amount of mirrors, gilding, crimson silk, ormolu—all a little "off colour."

Of a Friend's New Horse.

"Ah! Well put together;"i.e., "He's screwed all round."

Platformulars.

"We have no personal quarrel with our opponents;"i.e., "They said some dreadfully rude things about me last night. Hope one of the local speakers will give them a trouncing afterwards,I'mexpected to be polite."

"I congratulate you upon the growth of your Association, and the excellent political work it is doing in this district;"i.e., "Know nothing about it, except what the pasty-faced Secretary has just crammed me with, but must butter them a bit."

"Your admirable Member, whose voice we hear only too seldom in the House;"i.e., "A silent 'stick' whose silence is his only merit."

"No words of mine are necessary to commend this vote of thanks to your good will. You all know your Chairman;"i.e., How long will that stammering idiot be allowed to preside at these meetings?

Parliamentary.

"Of course I withdraw;"i.e., "Of course I don't."

"Of course, Sir, I bow to your ruling;"i.e., "I'm sure you're wrong."

"Of course I accept the Honourable Gentleman's explanation;"i.e., "Can'ttellhim he's a liar!"

"When I entered the House to-night it was with no thought of being called upon to address you;"i.e., "Ishouldhave been mad if I'd missed the chance of letting off my long-stored rhetorical fireworks!"

At a Dance.

"May I have the pleasure?"i.e., "Wish to goodness she'd refuse, but no such luck!"

"Delighted!"i.e., "I'd as soon dance with a tipsy Mammoth."

"Awfully sorry, but I haven't one dance left;"i.e., "I've three, but if I'd thirty, he shouldn't have one, the lemon-headed little cad!"

"I think I see Mamma looking for me;"i.e., "Must get rid of the bore somehow."

A Little Music.

"Oh, will you play us that sweet little thing of yours in five flats?"i.e., "It isn't sweet, but it is short, which is something—with him!"

"Won't you give us just one song, Mr. Howler? I won't ask you for more;"i.e., "Wouldn't for that, if I could help it."

(By Mr. Punch's Own Type-writer.)No. IX.—THE ADVERTISING BARRISTER.

BARRISTER

The Advertising Barrister may best be defined as the living and pushing embodiment of self-assertion and impudence. He is not of those who by a life of steady and honourable toil attain eventually to the high places of their profession, whether at the Bar or in Parliament, without losing the respect and friendship of their fellows. These too in the race of life must pass many of the feebler runners, and force themselves by their own merit into places that others would fain have occupied, but they always run straight, their practice and their performance are disfigured by no trick, and in the end they bring their honour untarnished to the goal, and receive the applause even of their vanquished rivals. With them the Advertising Barrister has no point in common, save the robes he wears in virtue of his call. For his ambition is as sordid as the means whereby he attempts to fulfil it are questionable. He must be credited with the knowledge that his natural abilities are by themselves insufficient to assure him either fame or wealth. But he consoles himself by reflecting that if only impudence,réclame, and a taste for the arts of a cadger, be protected by the hide of a rhinoceros, they are certain to prevail up to a certain point against the humdrum industry of those inferior beings who hamper themselves with considerations of honour and good-feeling. It must not be understood that the Advertiser puffs himself in a literal sense in the advertising columns of the press. The rules of his profession, to which even he pays an open deference, forbid this enormity; but in the subtler methods of gaining a certain attention, and of keeping his name under the public eye, he has no equal even in the ranks of those who spend thousands in order that the million may be made happy with soap.

The boyhood and youth of the Advertising Barrister will have been passed in comparative obscurity. The merchant who relieved the monotony of a large and profitable wholesale business by treating him as a son, impressed upon him at an early age the necessity of making the family history illustrious by soaring beyond commerce to professional distinction and a fixed income. In furtherance of this scheme the son was sent to pick up a precarious education at a neighbouring day-school, where he astonished his companions by his ease in mastering the polite literature of the ancients and the vulgar fractions of Mr.Barnard Smith, and delighted his masters by the zeal with which he generally took his stand on the side of authority. Having, however, in the course of a school examination been detected in the illicit use of a volume of Bohn's Library, he was called upon for an explanation, and, after failing to satisfy his examiners that he meant only to reflect credit upon the school by the accuracy of his translations, he was advised to leave at the end of the term. After a short interval spent in the society of a coach, he entered a fast College at one of our ancient Universities, and, being possessed of a fairly comfortable allowance, soon distinguished himself by the calculating ardour with which he affected the acquaintance of young men of rank, and shared in the fashionable pleasures of the place. Recognising that amidst the careless and easy-going generosity of undergraduate society, he who has a cool and scheming head is usually able to tip the balance of good luck in his own favour, he lost no opportunity of ingratiating himself with those who might be of service to him. He cultivated a fluent style of platitudes and claptrap at his college debating society, and at the Union, to the committee of which he was elected after prolonged and assiduous canvassing. Having managed to be proctorised in company with the eldest son of a peer, whom he delighted by the studied impertinence of his answers to the Proctor, he eventually went down with a pass degree and a mixed reputation, and, after the orthodox number of dinners, and the regulation examination, had the satisfaction of seeing his name published in the list of those who, having acquired a smattering of Roman and English law, were entitled, for a consideration, to aid litigants with their counsel.

For the next few years little was heard of him. He read in chambers, drew pleadings and indictments, and gathered many useful tricks from the criminal advocate to whom he attached himself like a leech. During this period he also made the acquaintance of a Solicitor who had retired from the noon-day glare of professional rectitude to the congenial atmosphere of shady cases. He also struck up a friendship with two or three struggling journalists, who were occupied in hanging on to the paragraphic fringe of their profession, and who might be trusted afterwards to lend a hand to an intimate engaged in a similar, but not identical line of business. Helped by a shrewd, and not over-scrupulous clerk, he gradually picked up a practice, a thing mainly of shreds and patches, but still a practice of a sort. At the Middlesex Sessions, and at the Central Criminal Court, his name began to be mentioned; and in a certain money-lending case it was acknowledged that his astuteness had prevented the exposure of his client from being as crushing and complete as the rate of per-centage had seemed to warrant.

Soon afterwards, one of his richer college companions, whose convictions were stronger than his power of expressing them, was selected as Candidate for a remote constituency, where speakers were not easily obtained. The glib Barrister was remembered, and appealed to. At an immense sacrifice of time and money, he rushed to the rescue, his travelling and hotel expenses being defrayed by the Candidate. He spoke much, he spoke triumphantly; he referred, in touching terms, to the ties of ancient friendship that bound him to the noblest and best of men, the Candidate; and, when the latter was eventually elected, it was stated in every Metropolitan evening paper that he owed his success chiefly to the eloquence and energy of the able Barrister who had pleaded his cause. Henceforward there was no peace, politically speaking, for the Barrister. Swifter than swiftCamillahe scoured the plain facts of political controversy at meeting after meeting, until they glowed under the dazzled eyes of innumerable electors. Where Leagues congregated, or Unions met, or Associations resolved, there he was to be found, always eager, in the fore-front of the battle. He became the cheap jackal of the large political lions who roar after their food throughout the length and breadth of the land, and picked up scraps in the shape of votes of thanks to chairmen. He figured at political receptions, and eventually contested a hopeless Constituency, with the assistance of the party funds. Having, by his complete defeat, established a claim on the gratitude of his party, he applied successively for a Recordership, a Police Magistracy, and a County Court Judgeship, but was compelled to be satisfied temporarily with the post of Revising Barrister. Yet, though he was disgusted with the base ingratitude of time-serving politicians, he was by no means disheartened, for he had long since become convinced that the best method of self-seeking was to seek office, and to clamour if that should be refused. Finally, after having paid to have his portrait engraved in a struggling party journal, and having appended to it a description, in which he compared himself toErskineand the youngerPitt, he became an annoyance to those who were his leaders at the Bar, or in politics. He was, therefore, appointed Chief Justice of the Soudan; and after distributing British justice to savages, at a cheap rate, for several years, he retired upon a pension, and was heard of no more.

Easter Munday I dewoted to Epping Forrest. I draws a whale over my feelings when I looked out of my bed-room winder and seed the rain a cumming down in bucket-fulls! But a true Waiter can allus afford to Wait.

"Late as you likes, but never hurly,Seldom cross, and never surly,The jowial Waiter gos to his work,And enwys no Hethun nor yet no Turk!"

"Late as you likes, but never hurly,

Seldom cross, and never surly,

The jowial Waiter gos to his work,

And enwys no Hethun nor yet no Turk!"

And I had my reward, for at 12.20 A.M. the jolly old sun bust forth, as much as to say, "it was only my fun!" So off I started by Rail, along with about a thowsand others, in such a jolly, rattling Nor-Wester, that the River Lea looked more like a arm of the foming Hocean than a mere tuppenny riwer. But the sun was nice and warm till about 1.30, when, just for a change, I suppose, down came a nice little shower of snow! and then more warm sun, and then plenty more cold wind, and then lots of rain. So them as likes wariety had plenty of it that day. And what a lovely wision was Epping Forest when we all got there! Ewerything as coud assist in emusing, and eddicating, and refining about a hundred thowsand peeple was there in such abundans that I myself heard a properioter of no less than 6 lofty swings a complaining, in werry powerful langwidge, that things in the swinging line are not as they used to be three or four years ago, for lots of the peeple are such fools that they acshally prefers taking a quiet walk through the Forest, to being either swung, or roundabouted, or cokernutted, or ewen Aunt-Salleyed! But the wise Filosopher will probbably say, if you wants to make peeple happy, speshally them as don't werry often get the chance, give 'em not what you likes, but whattheylikes, and leave it to Old Father Time to teach 'em better sum day.Robert.

Legal and Personal(by an envious Barrister).—Why isBuzfuz, Q.C., like Necessity?Ans.Because he knows no law.

Pointing finger

NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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