double-rule
Q.What loves "The Country" more than Tithes Bills tracing?A.Racing!Q.And what than "Compensation's" doubtful courses?A.'Orses!Q.Than Bills of Irish Tenants poor to favour rights?A.Favourites!Q.What does it find as profitless as St. Stephens?A."Evens!"Q.What more exciting than "The Pouncer's" nods?A."Odds!"Q.What does it love far more thanLabby'sjokes?A."Oaks!"Q.And what beyond allElcho'squirks and quips?A."Tips!"Q.What would it call him who of "Sport" turns squelcher?A."Welsher!!!"Q.Who finds the "Derby" closing satisfactory?A.Hack Tory!Q.What's the protesting Puritan Gladstonian?A."Stony 'un!"
Q.What loves "The Country" more than Tithes Bills tracing?A.Racing!Q.And what than "Compensation's" doubtful courses?A.'Orses!Q.Than Bills of Irish Tenants poor to favour rights?A.Favourites!Q.What does it find as profitless as St. Stephens?A."Evens!"Q.What more exciting than "The Pouncer's" nods?A."Odds!"Q.What does it love far more thanLabby'sjokes?A."Oaks!"Q.And what beyond allElcho'squirks and quips?A."Tips!"Q.What would it call him who of "Sport" turns squelcher?A."Welsher!!!"Q.Who finds the "Derby" closing satisfactory?A.Hack Tory!Q.What's the protesting Puritan Gladstonian?A."Stony 'un!"
Q.What loves "The Country" more than Tithes Bills tracing?
A.Racing!
Q.And what than "Compensation's" doubtful courses?
A.'Orses!
Q.Than Bills of Irish Tenants poor to favour rights?
A.Favourites!
Q.What does it find as profitless as St. Stephens?
A."Evens!"
Q.What more exciting than "The Pouncer's" nods?
A."Odds!"
Q.What does it love far more thanLabby'sjokes?
A."Oaks!"
Q.And what beyond allElcho'squirks and quips?
A."Tips!"
Q.What would it call him who of "Sport" turns squelcher?
A."Welsher!!!"
Q.Who finds the "Derby" closing satisfactory?
A.Hack Tory!
Q.What's the protesting Puritan Gladstonian?
A."Stony 'un!"
double-rule
'THREE FISHERS.'"THREE FISHERS."John Bull."HULLO! YOU SEA-GRABBERS!—WHERE DOICOME IN?"
The Precocious Undergraduate
Eversince undergraduates existed at all, there must have been some who, in the precocity of their hearts, set themselves up or were set up by the admiration of their fellows as patterns of life, and knowledge, and manners. But before steam and electricity made Oxford and Cambridge into suburbs of London, these little deities were scarcely heard of outside the limits of their particular University, the sphere of their influence was restricted, and they were unable to impress the crowd of their juvenile worshippers by the glamour which comes of frequent plunges into the dizzy whirlpool of London life. Now, however, all that is changed. Our seats of learning are within a stone's throw of town, and the callow nestlings who yesterday fluttered feebly over King's Parade or the High, may to-day attempt a bolder flight in Piccadilly and the Park. The simpler pleasures of Courts and Quads soon pall upon one who believes emphatically, that life has no further secrets when the age of twenty has been reached, and that an ingenuous modesty is incompatible with the exercise of manliness. He despises the poor fools who are content to be merely young while youth remains. He himself, has sought for and found in London a fountain of age, from which he may quaff deep draughts, and returning, impart his experience to his envious friends.
The Precocious Undergraduate, then, was (and is, for the type remains, though the individual may perish) one who attempted in his own opinion with perfect success, to combine an unerring knowledge of men with a smooth cheek and a brow as unwrinkled as late hours could leave it. In the sandy soil of immaturity he was fain to plant a flourishing reputation for cunning, and to water it with the tears of those who being responsible for his appearance in the world dreaded his premature affectation of its wisdom and its follies.
They had given him, however, as befitted careful parents, every chance of acquiring an excellent education. In order that he might afterwards shine at the Bar or in the Senate, he was sent to one of our larger public schools, where he soon found that with a very small life-belt of Latin and Greek a boy may keep his head safe above the ripple of a master's anger. But his school career was not without honour. He was a boy of a frank and generous temperament, candid with his masters, and warm-hearted and sincere in his intercourse with his school-fellows. He was by no means slow with his wits, he was very quick with his eye and his limbs. Thus it came about that, although his scholarship was not calculated to make of him a Porson, he earned the admiration and applause of boys and masters by his triumphs as an athlete, a cricketer, and a foot-ball player, and was established as a universal favourite. At the usual age he left school and betook himself to college, freighted for this new voyage with the affection and the hopes of all who knew him.
And now when everything smiled, and when in the glow of his first independence life assumed its brightest hues, in the midst of apparent success his real failures began. The sudden emancipation from the easy servitude of school was too much for him. The rush of his new existence swept him off his feet, and, yielding to the current, he was carried day by day more rapidly out to the sea of debt and dissipation, which in the end overwhelmed him. For a time, however, everything went well with him. His school and his reputation as a popular athlete assured to him a number of friends, he was elected a member of one or two prominent Clubs, he got into a good set. In their society he learnt that an undergraduate's tastes and his expenditure ought never to be limited by the amount of the yearly allowance he receives from his father. Whilst still in his freshman's Term, he was invited to a little card-party, at which he lost not only his head, but also all his ready money, and the greater part of the amount which had been placed to his credit at his Bank for the expenses of his first Term. This incident was naturally much discussed by the society in which he moved, and it was agreed that, for a freshman, he had shown considerable coolness in bearing up against his losses. Even amongst those who did not know him, his name began to be mentioned as that of one who was evidently destined to make a splash, and might some day be heard of in the larger world. His vanity was tickled. This, he thought to himself, not without pleasure, was indeed life, and thinking thus, he condemned all his past years, and the aspirations with which he had entered his University, as the folly of a boy. Soon afterwards he was found at a race-meeting, and was unfortunate enough to win a large sum of money from a book-maker who paid him.
The next incident in his first Term was his attendance as a guest at a big dinner, where the unwonted excitement and a bumper or two of University champagne upset his balance. He grew boisterous, and on his way home to his rooms addressed disrespectfully the Dean of his College, who happened to be taking the air on the College grass-plot. He woke, the next morning, to find himself parched and pale, but famous. "Did you hear what So-and-So, the freshman, said to the Dean last night? Frightful cheek!"—so one undergraduate would speak of him to another, with a touch of envy which was not diminished by the fact that his hero had been gated at nine for a week.
But it is useless to pursue his career through every detail. He went on gambling, and soon found himself the debtor or the creditor of those whom he still attempted to look upon as his friends. He bought several thousand large cigars at £10 per hundred from a touting tobacconist, who promised him unlimited credit, and charged him a high rate of per-centage on the debt. He became constant in his visits to London, and, after a course of dinners at the Bristol, the Berkeley, and the Café Royal, he acquired, at Cambridge, the reputation of a connoisseur in cooking and in wine. The Gaiety was his abiding-place, the lounge at the Empire would have been incomplete without him: for him Lais added a rosy glow to her complexion and a golden shimmer to her hair; he supped in her company, and, when he gave her a diamond swallow, purchased without immediate payment in Bond Street, the paragraphist of a sporting paper recorded the gift in his columns with many cynical comments. In short, he now knew himself to be indeed a man of the world. Henceforward he seemed to spend almost as much time in London as in Cambridge. It is unnecessary to add that his legitimate resources soon ran dry; he supplied their deficiency from the generous fountain of a money-lender's benevolence. After all, eight per cent. per month sounds quite cheap until it is multiplied by twelve, and, as he always disliked arithmetic, he abstained from the calculation, and pocketed the loan. And thus, for a time, the wheel of excitement was kept spinning merrily. But the pace was too fast to last for long. Somehow or other, soon after the beginning of his third year, his happy gaiety which had carried him cheerfully through many scenes of revelry seemed to desert him. He became subject to fits of morose abstraction. His dress was no longer of the same shining merit, nor did he seem to care, as formerly, to keep his cuffs and collars unspotted from the world. Disagreeable rumours began to be whispered about him. He was said to have failed to pay his card-debts, and yet to have gone on gambling night after night; and at last came the terrible report—all the more terrible for not being fully understood by those who heard it—that he had been posted at Tattersall's.
Undergraduate Society is, however, of an extraordinary tolerance, and if it had not been for his own manifest misery, he might have kept his head up in Cambridge even under these calamities. But he began too late to realise his own folly, and with the memory of his triumphs and his collapse, of his extravagance and his debts clogging his efforts, he tried to read. He did read, feverishly, uselessly, and when his list appeared his name was absent from it. Then followed the fatal interview with his father, and the inevitable crash, in the course of which he became the defendant in a celebrated case on the subject of an infant's necessaries. An occupation was sought for him, but all capacity for honest effort seemed to have perished with his frankness and his cheerfulness. After creeping about London in a hang-dog fashion for a year or two, he eventually decided to tempt misfortune in the Western States of America. For a time he "ranched" without success, and was heard of as a frequenter of saloons. A year later he died ignobly by the revolver of a Western rowdy, in the course of a drunken brawl.
double-rule
Musical Forecasts.—Mr.Paddy Rewskiwill play variations on his own national Melodies, including theGigue Irlandaise, entitled, "Donnybrook Fair."—Mr.Charles Reddie'sPianoforte Recital is fixed for the 17th. It is not placarded about the town, as the clever pianist says, he's perfectlyReddie, but he's notWilling.—Mr.Josef Dash-my-lud-wigis going to give a Second Chamber Concert on behalf of the Funds of the Second Chambermaid Theatrical Aid Society.—Mr.Cusins'Concert is on the 12th. Uncles and Aunts please accept this intimation.
EXPERIMENTS BY THE GRAND OLD HYPNOTISER AT ST. STEPHEN'S.EXPERIMENTS BY THE GRAND OLD HYPNOTISER AT ST. STEPHEN'S.
[A Gentleman advertises for an old house, and says, "Harmless Ghost not objected to."]
Tellus, good Sir, what is a Harmless Ghost?One who walks quietly at dead of night,For just a single hour or so at most,And never gives folks what is termed a fright?Is it a Ghost that never clanks his chains,That never gibbers, and that bangs no door:But quietly and peacefully remainsIn calmpossessionof some upper floor?A Harmless Ghost is not a Ghost at all,Unworthy of the name; no Headless Man,Or other spectre that could men appal,Would condescend to live 'neath such a ban.No phantom with a grain of self-respectWould make a promise never to do harm.Find your old house, but please to recollect,A Ghost who knows his businessmustalarm.
Tellus, good Sir, what is a Harmless Ghost?One who walks quietly at dead of night,For just a single hour or so at most,And never gives folks what is termed a fright?Is it a Ghost that never clanks his chains,That never gibbers, and that bangs no door:But quietly and peacefully remainsIn calmpossessionof some upper floor?
Tellus, good Sir, what is a Harmless Ghost?
One who walks quietly at dead of night,
For just a single hour or so at most,
And never gives folks what is termed a fright?
Is it a Ghost that never clanks his chains,
That never gibbers, and that bangs no door:
But quietly and peacefully remains
In calmpossessionof some upper floor?
A Harmless Ghost is not a Ghost at all,Unworthy of the name; no Headless Man,Or other spectre that could men appal,Would condescend to live 'neath such a ban.No phantom with a grain of self-respectWould make a promise never to do harm.Find your old house, but please to recollect,A Ghost who knows his businessmustalarm.
A Harmless Ghost is not a Ghost at all,
Unworthy of the name; no Headless Man,
Or other spectre that could men appal,
Would condescend to live 'neath such a ban.
No phantom with a grain of self-respect
Would make a promise never to do harm.
Find your old house, but please to recollect,
A Ghost who knows his businessmustalarm.
double-rule
Dear Mr. Punch,
Withreference to the several cases of "Masquerading" that have recently been mentioned in the columns of a contemporary, I wish to add a remarkable experience of our own firm, that, if it does not completely clear the matter up, may at least serve to throw a little light upon the subject. Last Friday afternoon a middle-aged man of unmistakable City build dashed wildly into our establishment, and desired to be supplied with "the largest pantomime head" with which we could furnish him. This we fortunately had in stock in the shape of a large green and phosphorescent faced representation of the "Demon of Despair," which was rendered additionally attractive through being supplied with a "trick eye," which worked with a string.
It was evidently of the greatest importance to him that the head should be natural and becoming, and by the close and satisfied scrutiny he gave it, and the great care with which he fitted it on, the one with which we supplied him evidently fully answered his requirements. His manner was certainly strange, for though he refused to give his address, he took several flying leaps across the shop, turning a double back somersault as he cleared the counter, and finally asked me whether I thought him sufficiently disguised to avoid recognition in his own immediate circle?
I told him candidly that I thought his large head, being peculiar, might possibly draw upon him notice that otherwise he would fail to arouse, and I added, "You see, it is not as if there were a dozen of you."
"True," he replied; "you're quite right. There ought to be a dozen of us. Look out the heads. I will go and fetch 'em." And he dashed out of my establishment, followed by a small crowd. In about two hours and a half, however, he returned, accompanied by twelve other middle-aged City men, and in almost as short a time as it takes me to tell it, I had fitted them all with large pantomime heads.
He paid the bill and left the shop. I watched them all get on to a King's Cross and Brompton Omnibus, and that was the last I saw of them. There is nothing very remarkable in the occurrence, as we are in the habit of making up disguises, sometimes as many as 500 in an afternoon on the shortest notice. Still I could not help wondering upon what business my eccentric friend was bent. A Divorce Case? Possibly a Murder? Who knows? Perhaps somebody may have met the bevy down West, and can throw some light upon the subject. Meantime, dearMr. Punch, I beg to subscribe myself,
Yours respectfully,
A Sly Fox but a Cautious Costumier.
double-rule
"Short Notice."—Those who did not hear Mr.George Grossmith'sentertainment at St. James's Hall last Saturday week lost a very great treat. There must have been thousands in London at the moment who suffered this deprivation. Our Special Noticer was among the number. Let us hopeGee-Geewill do it again, and all shall be forgiven.
TOMMY'S ''ARRIET' DEPARTMENT.TOMMY'S "'ARRIET" DEPARTMENT.A Group omitted from the Military Exhibition.
A Group omitted from the Military Exhibition.
double-rule
House of Commons, Monday, June 2.—Heligoland is safe, but there were some anxious moments.George Campbellled attack. House reassembled after Whitsun recess. Not many present.Old Moralitystill sporting in the country, toying with Amaryllis in the shade, or with tangles of Neaera's hair. (That's how the Member for Sark puts it, but admits that it's only poetry.) Mr. G. away too, alsoGrandolphandHartington.Jokimin charge of Government ship; evidently in mildest mood; didn't once pounce, though sorely tempted by all-pervadingness ofCampbell. That eminent Statesman only began with Heligoland; steamed later into the Pacific Seas, and moved reduction of salary of Deputy Commissioner of the Western Pacific. Wants Heligoland given up.
"Certainly not," saidNicholas Wood; "must take firm stand with these Separatists. Not quite sure in what part of Ireland Heligoland is situated. Sounds like Munster; must look it up on map. Meanwhile shall supportBalfour."
WhilstNicholasoff in library, vainly looking over map of Ireland,Sage of Queen Anne's Gatebacks upCampbell. Knows Heligoland intimately. Seems to have passed best period of useful life there. Members quite prepared to hear that there it was the famous letter from Foreign Office found him when, by way of reproof of niggardliness of Department, he was obeying instructions that transferred him from Dresden to Constantinople by journeying on foot. Taking Heligolanden route, he found it a mere sandbank, an accumulation of molecules, whose existence was justified only by the opportunity of furnishing a scion of the British aristocracy with an annual salary as Governor. "Hand it over to Germany, in exchange, if you please, for few pounds of sausages; but get rid of it."
Nicholas, coming back after vain search for Heligoland on map of Ireland, lustily shouts, "No!" "No use arguing with these fellows,Toby," he says; "we must Put Them Down. Case seems a little mixed; don't quite follow argument. Rather wonderArthur Balfourisn't in his place to explain it; at same time, haven't slightest doubt it's another Mitchelstown affair—another Middle Tipperary muddle. I shall watch to see which Lobby our Whips are filling, and march straight into it."
Thus Heligoland was saved,Nicholasand 149 others voting againstCampbell, who led into the Lobby only 27 patriots. After this, that man of war,James Stuart Allanson Tudor Picton, came to the front, and led Opposition in matter relating to Sierra Leone.George Campbellmade several speeches on this topic, and when Amendment negatived, came up quite fresh with his story of the Pacific Seas, where it seems there have been excursions, followed byalarums, all converging on urgent necessity of reducing the salary of the Deputy Commissioner of the Western Pacific by £200. This also negatived after couple of hours' discussion. ThenGeorge, stepping lightly from Western Pacific to the Cape, moved to reduce salary of High Commissioner of South Africa by £1000.
"A regular peripatetic seven-leagued-boot mowing-machine," saidJackson, gazing dreamily on mobile features of Member for Kircaldy. Business done.—In Committee of Supply.
A Serious YoungA Serious Young Man.
A Serious Young Man.
Tuesday.—Question is, shall House adjourn over to-morrow, being Derby Day, or shall it forbear?Elchosays, "Yes."Wilfrid Lawsonsays, "No." House, upon consideration, agrees withElcho, though by significantly small majority. For holiday, 160; against, 133.Coghill, who had vainly protested against adjournment, says majority not so wide as a church door, but 'twill serve. It's the writing on the wall, and the Derby holiday in the Commons doomed.Coghillserious young man; likes things to be doomed; encouraged by the prospect, becomes dangerously festive.
Member who moves Adjournment over Derby Day expected to be funny.Pam, who, when he was Minister, always did it, established fashion. Been followed in later days byDick Power, and other eminent sportsmen.Elchodisplayed paternal failing for undue length, but just managed to stop in time, not spoiling success of speech that greatly pleased House. Curious to note points of personal resemblance between the new LordElchoand the old. Son, doubtless designedly, delivered his speech from corner-seat on front Bench below Gangway, whence, in days of yore, the father used to hold forth, almost literally buttonholing House of Commons; holding on to it in much same way asAncient Marinerdelayed the hungry wedding guest.
"Happy," says the Member for Sark, "is the Legislature that can spare anElchofor either Chamber! Favoured the generation that succeeds to such an inheritance! WithWemyssin the Lords, andElchoin the Commons, there is still hope for my country!"
Citizen Pickersgill.Citizen Pickersgill.
Citizen Pickersgill.
Talk about Police Regulation for Procession on Saturday to demonstrate against Compensation Bill. CitizenPickersgillmoved adjournment of House in order to discuss matter.Cunninghame-Grahamseized opportunity to run amuck at his revered Leaders on Front Opposition Bench. Accused them of sitting there like stuffed figures at Madame Tussaud's. "Why stuffed?"John Mobleyasked, butCunninghame-Grahamnot to be interrupted in flush of eloquence. When once started went at them hammer and tongs; only a few battered figures recognisable on Front Bench when he had finished.
"Fact is,Toby," he said, "Bradlaugh'sgot his eye on that Bench. Means to sit there some day. Want him to know that even that sanctuary shall not preserve him from my wrath. Just getting my hand in. He'll be sorry he ever ventured to bite his thumb at me."Business done.—Education Vote in Committee.
Thursday.—LordChunnel-Tannelmoves Second Reading of his Bill. A very inoffensive measure, he says; not proposed to sanction creation of Tunnel under the sea. Oh, dear no! Nothing of that kind. All that is wanted is that the Company shall be permitted to keep their machinery oiled, bore for coal, and fill up spare time by fishing for whitebait with line. Could there be any harm in that?Chunnel-Tannelasked, with hand outstretched with deprecating gesture towards Treasury Bench, on which the long length ofHicks Beachwas coiled.
Mr. G. backed up his noble friend; ridiculed idea of danger to England from creation of Tunnel. If anybody had need for apprehension, it was France—a fine, subtly patriotic idea, which did not meet with that measure of applause on Conservative Benches that might have been expected. Fact is, Conservatives don't like this newly established friendliness between Mr. G. andChunnel-Tannel. Noble Lord not so certain to respond to crack of Ministerial Whip as was his wont before he yielded to the spell. Stout Ministerialists thinking more ofChunnel-Tannel'sattitude on Irish Question than of probability of French invasion by proposed Tunnel; so they lustily cheerHicks-Beachwhen he denounces scheme. Cry, "Oh! oh!" whenChunnel-Tannelmakes crafty appeal for support of Irish Members, and go out in body to stop up the Tunnel.
J. S. Forbeswatches scene from Strangers' Gallery. Lost in admiration ofChunnel-Tannel'smeek mood.
Minister of Education.Minister of Education.
Minister of Education.
"Why,Toby," he said, in his perturbation brushing his new curly-brimmed hat the wrong way, "he looks as if butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. His low voice, his deferential manner, his pained surprise at suggestion of wanting to do anything else but catch those whitebait with a line, take one's breath away. A wonderful manChunnel-Tannel, but dangerous on this tack. Known him and fought him man and boy for twenty years; fear him most when in melting mood."Business done.—Discussing Tithes Bill.
Friday.—MetHart Dykewalking about Corridor with contemplative air. Debate on Education Vote going forward in House. "How is it you aren't on Treasury Bench?" I asked.
"Can't stand any more of it,Toby. My hair positively beginning to frizzle under heat of blushes. Never suspected myself of being such Heavenborn Education Minister. But they all say it—Mundella,Playfair,Lubbock, and evenSam Smith.CranborneandTalbotnot quite so sure; but on other side one chorus of approval. Bore it pretty well for hour or so; but at end of that time grows embarrassing. Just came out for little walk; look in again presently."
On Report of Supply,George Campbellstrolled in from the Pacific; proposed to call attention to mission of SirLinton Simmonsto thePope. No Vote connected therewith happens to be in Estimates; soSpeakerruled him out of Order.
"Oh, very well," saidGeorge; "that's out of order is it? Well, let me see, there's Japan;" and he talked for thirty-five minutes about Japan.
Business done.—Education Vote agreed to.
Thechildren had left the school, and the pianos were closed for the night. The Senior Wranglers who had been conducting the lessons were divesting themselves of their academical robes, and preparing to quit the premises to return to their palatial homes, the outcome of a portion of their princely salaries. In couples they disappeared until only one was left—he was older than his colleagues, and consequently slower in his movements. As he was about to summon his carriage a wild-looking individual suddenly appeared before him, and, sinking in a chair, appealed to him with a gesture that, fraught with weakness, was yet defiant.
"What do you want with me, my good man?" asked the Senior Wrangler, who had a kindly nature.
"What have you done with my sons?" gasped the visitor.
"No doubt, if they were intended for crossing-sweepers, we have instructed them in the rudiments of classical dancing, and if you purposed bringing them up as errand-boys, it is highly probable that we have taught them how to play upon the harpsichord."
"That's how it is!" cried the other. "Theyhavebeen taught how to play on the harpsichord; and, as the instrument is obsolete, I ask you, Sir, how are they to get their living?"
"That is no affair of mine, my good fellow," returned the Senior Wrangler, dryly. "It is my duty to teach the child, and not to answer the questions of the parent."
"And the rates are doubled!" cried the Board Scholar's father, wringing his hands in despair, "and I am ruined!" The Senior Wrangler was growing impatient. He had to dine at the Club, and go to the Opera. "Well, what do you want with me?" he asked.
"Employment!" cried the other, in an agony of woe. "Give me employment. I have been ruined by the rates; let the rates support me—give me employment!"
The Senior Wrangler considered for a moment; then he spoke—
"Do you think, my friend, that you could look after our highest class?" The man shook his head.
"I am afraid not, Sir. My education was neglected. Beyond reading, writing, and arithmetic, I know next to nothing."
"That will not be an objection," returned the Senior Wrangler, as he put a gardenia in his button-hole. "Our highest class is composed of our oldest pupils, and as they all suffer from over-pressure, your duties will be simply those of an attendant in an asylum for the care of the imbecile!" And the Ruined Ratepayer was entirely satisfied.
finger pointing
NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
The query and the correction made are indicated by dotted lines underneath.Scroll the mouse over the word and the query or the original text willappear.
Page 281:Maggie McIntyre, onWednesdaybecomesMaggie MacIntyreonThursday.
Both have been retained, as the transcriber does not know which is correct, or if the two were interchangeable.
Page 287: 'posesssion' corrected to 'possession': "In calm possession of some upper floor".