THANK GOODNESS!

NIL DESPERANDUMNIL DESPERANDUM.Fair Visitor (to Hostess)."How wonderfully well Mrs. Wilkinson wears! I do hope I shall be as Good-looking as that at her Age!"Fair Hostess."So do I!"

Fair Visitor (to Hostess)."How wonderfully well Mrs. Wilkinson wears! I do hope I shall be as Good-looking as that at her Age!"

Fair Hostess."So do I!"

"Off?" Thank goodness, yes!Always was—confound it!—An unsavoury mess,Foulness reeking round it.Resurrection pieNot in it for nastiness.Dished-up—who knows why?—With unseemly hastiness.Of thechef'spoor skill,Feeblest of expedients.Sure we've had our fillOf its stale ingredients.Toujours perdrix? Pooh!That is scarce delightful;ToujoursIrish StewVery much more frightful.Thrice-cooked colewort? Ah!That no doubt were tedious;But this hotch-potch? Pah!Thought of it is hideous.It has been too longPièce de résistance;Take its odour strongTo unsniffing distance.Waiter's self looks sickAt the very thought of it.Oh, remove it, quick!Customers want nought of it.Eh? One hungry sinnerAsks another plateful?He should have his dinnerSnatched by harpies fateful.Kitchen never yetKnew a failure greater.Few its end regret.Surely not the Waiter.He his finger hadIn the pie—or gravy.Did he? Well, 'tis sad.He must cry "Peccavi!"But whoever mixed,Or whoever boiled it,Our opinion's fixed,He, or they, quite spoiled it.'Tis the general scoff,Butt of chaff and rudeness.Irish Stew is "Off",Finally—Thank Goodness!

"Off?" Thank goodness, yes!

Always was—confound it!—

An unsavoury mess,

Foulness reeking round it.

Resurrection pie

Not in it for nastiness.

Dished-up—who knows why?—

With unseemly hastiness.

Of thechef'spoor skill,

Feeblest of expedients.

Sure we've had our fill

Of its stale ingredients.

Toujours perdrix? Pooh!

That is scarce delightful;

ToujoursIrish Stew

Very much more frightful.

Thrice-cooked colewort? Ah!

That no doubt were tedious;

But this hotch-potch? Pah!

Thought of it is hideous.

It has been too long

Pièce de résistance;

Take its odour strong

To unsniffing distance.

Waiter's self looks sickAt the very thought of it.Oh, remove it, quick!Customers want nought of it.Eh? One hungry sinnerAsks another plateful?He should have his dinnerSnatched by harpies fateful.Kitchen never yetKnew a failure greater.Few its end regret.Surely not the Waiter.He his finger hadIn the pie—or gravy.Did he? Well, 'tis sad.He must cry "Peccavi!"But whoever mixed,Or whoever boiled it,Our opinion's fixed,He, or they, quite spoiled it.'Tis the general scoff,Butt of chaff and rudeness.Irish Stew is "Off",Finally—Thank Goodness!

Waiter's self looks sick

At the very thought of it.

Oh, remove it, quick!

Customers want nought of it.

Eh? One hungry sinner

Asks another plateful?

He should have his dinner

Snatched by harpies fateful.

Kitchen never yet

Knew a failure greater.

Few its end regret.

Surely not the Waiter.

He his finger had

In the pie—or gravy.

Did he? Well, 'tis sad.

He must cry "Peccavi!"

But whoever mixed,

Or whoever boiled it,

Our opinion's fixed,

He, or they, quite spoiled it.

'Tis the general scoff,

Butt of chaff and rudeness.

Irish Stew is "Off",

Finally—Thank Goodness!

Revised Version. "In Globo."—The author of Dixon's Johnsonary, who last week sent us a paragraph about the Globe Theatre (where, he said, it was pleasant to find the name ofShakspeareonce more associated with that of his great contemporary,John Benson), was wrong in saying that MissDorothy Deneis taking the part ofHippolytainThe Midsummer Matinée's Dream. It is very kind of so conscientious anartisteto "take anybody's part." But, as a matter of fact, MissDorothyis appearing asHelena, La belle Hélène, in the same drama.

"Spring Hats for Ladies."—Are they going to adopt thegibus?

The dinner given by Mr.James Staats Forbes, Chairman of the L.C. & D. Railway, last Wednesday, to M.Eiffel, and the French Engineers, was a big success. As theP. M. G., which, being now edited by achef,—at least, he is a man-Cook,—authoritatively informed us, in anticipation of this feast, "The Continent and Great Britain have been ransacked for delicacies." There is to be another banquet, we hear, and more "ransacking." Once again will that delightfully-entertaining Chairman,J. S. Forbes, of the Lucullus Chatting and Dining Line, present a menu which will be unexampled in culinary history. By great favour we are permitted to present a few of the delights of this bill of fare, in which aSoyerwould have rejoiced, aUdehave delighted, and of which aBrillat-Savarinmight indeed have been proud. No expense in ransacking has been spared. They are sending to the prairie for prairie oysters; to Egypt forPot-au-feu (soupe à la mauvaise femme); to Jerusalem for artichokes, to Bath for chaps, and Brussels for sprouts. Bordeaux will be ransacked for pigeons, Scotland for Scotch woodcock, Wales for rabbits, Sardinia for sardines, and Turkey for rhubarb. Special messengers are travelling through Germany in search of sausages; others are in Ireland seeking supplies of the stew of that country. Bombay is being ransacked for its celebrated Bombay ducks, Guinea for fowls, Norfolk for dumplings, and Chili for vinegar. Merchant traders are already in treaty with Madeira for cakes; and while Naples is being ransacked for ices, the Government Stationery Office at home will yield an almost inexhaustible supply of wafers.

The guests, led by a choir arrayed in twenty-four sheets, also supplied by the Stationery Office, will sing a delightful compound of the drinking chorus inThrough the Looking-Glass, and "The Bonnets of Bonny Dundee," which will go as follows, all (who can) standing:—

Let's fill up our glasses with treacle and ink,And anything else that is pleasant to drink,And hook the best port and let us gay free,And hurrah forStaats Forbesand the L. C. & D.!

Let's fill up our glasses with treacle and ink,

And anything else that is pleasant to drink,

And hook the best port and let us gay free,

And hurrah forStaats Forbesand the L. C. & D.!

We can only give these few hints, as of course, this is but a small portion of themenu, a mere pennyworth to any amount of ransacking.

Vivat Lucullus!

THANK GOODNESSTHANK GOODNESS!!!Hungry Home-Ruler."WAITER! I WANT SOME MORE OF THAT 'IRISH STEW A LA PARNELL COMMISSION.'"Head Waiter."'PARNELL COMMISSION,' SIR?HOFF, SIR!"

Hungry Home-Ruler."WAITER! I WANT SOME MORE OF THAT 'IRISH STEW A LA PARNELL COMMISSION.'"

Head Waiter."'PARNELL COMMISSION,' SIR?HOFF, SIR!"

His Hunting Costume is rather startling.

His Method of Amusing himselfin Covert was unusual.

His style of Riding was a trifle reckless.

And when he compelled some Bullocksto join in the chase, it was hardly the thing.

But all this wouldn't have mattered so much,if he hadn't galloped through the Hounds—

And murdered the Fox with his infernal Whip!

(A Vindication.)

Mon Cher Monsieur Punch,—That you have been the victim of "a 'oax," crafty, ingenious, and abominable, there is now no shadow of a doubt. That letter palmed off on to your good and trustful nature the week before last, with the signature of "Le Heads Masterre," professing to deal with the subject of the International athleticism, I should unfailingly pronounce, after cursory investigation, to be a forgery, impudent and profound. For survey the facts: while it proposed, in a set of regulationsbizarreand fantastic, to abolish "Le 'Arf-back," as a superfluous officer in the French game, a contest took place in the very centre of this Paris, in which not only the "'Arf-back," but the "Three-quarterre-back" was referred to as having beenchanged four times in the progress of one game! Nor was this all. So highly and efficiently trained by the indefatigable Principal had been the French "'Ome-team," that,—glorious announcement to make,—they succeeded in carrying off the victory, not merely from one of your Public School Clubs, representing only one country, but from a united "Onze," that might have been regarded with a natural and excusable patriotic pride, as the combined force of all the whole civilised world. Yes, the force opposed to our courageous youths of theLycée Janson de Saillycomprised not only Englishmen, but other nationalities, including sons of the American United States and Holland. Against this formidable combination the active and sportsmanlike youth of our re-awakened athletic France scored a victory, easy, swift, and complete, of two tries to nothing.

For further particulars, I refer you to the newspapers of the period, that furnish the details of the affair. In them you will see that, so far from "Le Scrimmage" being abandoned, on the contrary, several, of a character hotly contested, and severe, appear to have arisen in the efforts necessary to secureles deux "tries"; for though no mention is made of the Hospital ambulance, yet it is hinted that much sticking-plasterre must have been used in fastening up and healing the many contusions, grave, startling, and various, resulting from the furious kicking of legs, and struggling of bodies, inevitable in the progress of "Un Scrimmage" in whichThree-quarters-back,'Arf-backs,Forwards, andeven Goal-keepereswere often mingled in confusion, bewildering and prolonged, and only saved from being deadly and prostrating by the admirableélanand courageous spirit with which it was encountered.

No,mon cher Monsieur Punch, I do not say that when our Athletic Committee commence their investigations of the dangers obvious and definite connected with the conduct of yourjeu de Cricquette, that they may not alter the constitution and weight of the ball, which I understand is made of lead, and weighs ten pounds and three-quarters, and reduce the size ofles batte-clubs, themselves instruments to an excessive degree ponderous and grotesque, probably eliminating entirely from the field such dangerously-located officers as "Le Long-stoppe," "Le square-legge," and, above all, "Le wicket-keepere," but this does not affect their action in considering the reformation of the rules for the legitimate and reasonable conduct of the game of "Kicke-ball." No,mon cher Monsieur, these they are agreeable to leave as they are, remembering that the ball, formidable though he may be on account of his size, is harmless as a butterfly in the contact, being filled only with air. Moreover they see no reason to change when an "Onze" of this New Athletic France can, with the old rules, claim as she does the noble victory ofle deux"tries" to nothing, and enables the writer of this letter of correction, with a satisfaction that is keen and infinite, and a pride that is profound and pardonable, to subscribe himself hereunder,

A Three-quarterre-back of The Recently Victorious Lycée.

Question of Parentage.—Prof.Huxley, returning to the charge against Socialism, declares Capital to be "the Mother of Labour." If so, surely "the child was mother of the—woman!"—to adoptWordsworth'sseeming paradox. The first family, when first doomed to Labour, had surely very little Capital.

WhenAdamdelved andEvespanWhere was then the—"Middleman"?

WhenAdamdelved andEvespan

Where was then the—"Middleman"?

A City Correspondent sends us this Advertisement from theDaily Chronicle:—

TheMANAGERSof theSTOCK EXCHANGEare about toAPPOINTanASSISTANT SUPERINTENDENTofWAITERS. Applications, accompanied by Testimonials, must be made in writing, on or before the 15th March, to the Secretary, the Stock Exchange, from whom full particulars of the duties and salary can be obtained. Candidates must be under 40 years of age.

He is afraid lest it should have escaped ourRobert'seye. Under forty years of age is rather young for a Superintendent, perhaps; but no doubtRobert, who, as he says, "is not for any pertikler age, but for all time," would be equal to the occasion.

A HOUSE OF CIPHERSA HOUSE OF CIPHERS.[Mr.Picton, M.P., said, "that if every day was to be taken for Government business, Private Members would become mere Ciphers."]

[Mr.Picton, M.P., said, "that if every day was to be taken for Government business, Private Members would become mere Ciphers."]

(A Report of a Meeting yet to be held.)

A meeting of the Improved Saloon Palace Coach Combination (Limited), was held at the Offices of the Company on Thursday last, when LordBurlington Arcadia(in the absence of the Duke ofUtopia) was called upon to preside.

The noble Chairman said he was delighted to see so many benevolent-looking shareholders present. He admitted that he felt a little nervous, as no doubt the Board of Directors (of whom he had the honour to be one) had acted to a great extent upon their own responsibility in conducting the business of the Company. Encouraged by the comments of the Press, the Board considered they owed a duty to the Public second only in importance to the duty they owed to the shareholders. Nowadays, great trading communities had no right to act selfishly—they must think not only of those who owned the capital, but also of that vast majority whose comfort it should be their pleasure to enhance.

The paper to which he specially referred suggested that various improvements should be made. All the Saloon Palace cars of the Company, it was proposed, should be repainted in various colours, to facilitate identification; but this would cost money—(loud cheers)—and he was happy to say they had money to spend. They had spent it. (Murmurs.) He was sure that they would be pleased when they learned the manner in which that money had been spent. Instead of being hoarded up to swell the dividend—(groans.)—it had been absorbed in improvements which would confer great benefits upon the community. (Uproar.)

A Shareholder.What have we to do with the community?

TheChairmanexplained that as the greater included the lesser, the community must include the Shareholders. ("No, no!") He was sorry to hear those sounds of dissent, but what had been done could not be undone. (Loud and prolonged groaning). He trusted that he would be treated with courtesy. ("Hear, hear!") He had come to the meeting at considerable inconvenience. (Cheers.) As a matter of fact, he had little stake in the Company, as some time since he had disposed of the vast bulk of his shares. (Groans.) However, he would continue. As they knew, the vehicles were now fitted with warm bottles in winter and air-cushions in summer. Every passenger had a velvet upholstered arm-chair. Flowers were supplied in great profusion in the interior of the vehicles, and costly shrubs arranged on the platform supporting the cushioned garden-seats of the exterior. As the additional weight to be drawn in consequence of these improvements was considerable, it had been considered advisable to increase the number of horses to each vehicle from two to six. (Groans.) New routes had been selected—for instance, special services of carriages had been arranged up and down the Belgrave Road, the Mall, Hammersmith, the Upham Park Road, Chiswick, and round Brompton Square. Then he might say——

A Shareholder.We know all this, but how about the dividend? (Cheers.)

TheChairmanregretted the interruption. However, as the meeting wished to enter into the subject of finance—(cheers and cries of"We do")—he might say, that no dividend would be declared this half-year, but——

At this point of the proceedings there was a rush for the platform, and, shortly afterwards, the meeting noisily separated.

We are informed, that the inquest upon the bodies of the Chairman and his co-Directors, will be held early next week.

SYMPATHETIC ANSWERS TO KIND INQUIRIESSYMPATHETIC ANSWERS TO KIND INQUIRIES.Young Masham (leaving Cards)."Is anyone Ill here now?"Footman (fresh from the Country)."I'm doing pretty well at present, thank you; but 'er Ladyship hasn't yet shook off her Grip."

Young Masham (leaving Cards)."Is anyone Ill here now?"

Footman (fresh from the Country)."I'm doing pretty well at present, thank you; but 'er Ladyship hasn't yet shook off her Grip."

Extracted From the Diary of Toby, M.P.

A Distinguished StrangerA Distinguished Stranger.

House of Commons, Monday, March 3.—Old Morality, decently dressed in black, stood at table to-night, reading through the space of an hour his discourse on Report of Parnell Commission. A decorous, almost funereal function.J. G. Talbotenjoyed it thoroughly. "So like being in church on Sunday afternoon," he said. "WishOld Moralitycould have seen his way to put on white neck-tie, and brought his notes bound up in black cover."

Service proceeded very well without these details.Jemmy Lowtherearly fell victim to gentle influence of occasion. Long beforeOld Moralityhad reached his fourthly,James, with head reverently bent on his chest, sweetly slept; dreamt he was a boy again, sitting in the family pew at Easington-cum-Liverton, listening to his revered grandfather bubbling forth orthodoxy. Up in Distinguished Strangers' Gallery sat a little boy on his father's knee. Long he listened to the gentle murmur, broken now and then by a yawn from a back bench, or the rustling of the manuscript as it was turned over folio by folio. It was a great occasion for him; his first visit to the Chamber which still echoed with the tones of his father's uncle,John Bright. He kept gallantly awake as quarter-hour sped after quarter-hour, and then, reminiscent of a nursery story somewhere told, his too audible whisper broke in upon the slumbering gallery.

"Papa, hasn't the Gentleman brought his Amen with him?"

It came at last. Perhaps none so grateful asOld Morality. Curious to note how, when beholding the welcome last folio of his discourse,Old Morality, uplifting his voice, said, "And now to——", there was a sudden movement in the crowd, a shuffling of feet, a rustling of garments, a motion as if the congregation were about to rise to receive the benediction. ButOld Moralitywas only about to observe, "And now to bring these imperfect remarks to a conclusion, I would entreat the House to consider the great interests at stake, to vindicate the reputation of this House, and to do their duty to their Queen and Country."

After peace, the storm.Gladstoneruffled prevalent calm with a tornado of virile eloquence. Grand Old Man in fine form. If he had had the arrangement of course of events, nothing could have been more successfully designed than the contrast. ForOld Morality'sgentle commonplaces, his pallid platitudes, his copy-book headings strung together in timid flight after the Good and the True, here rushed a flood of burning eloquence, carrying with it the whole audience; jubilant the Opposition, faintly resisting the Ministerialists.Gladstonehad no copy-book before him, only the merest skeleton of notes. These, with what seemed to the intently-listening audience the fewest, simplest touches, he informed and inflamed with flesh and blood. Spoke for anhour and forty minutes—a marvellous feat for any man, a miracle of mental and physical force for an octogenarian.

I shan't play!"I shan't play!"

Hick-Beachfollowed; but spell broken; the listening throng, filling the chamber from floor to topmost range of gallery, swiftly melted away. Thus it came to pass there were few to seeHarcourtas presently he went forth whimpering. He, the champion slogger, accustomed to rampage round the tents of the enemy, and bring his shillelagh down on any head accidentally protruding, had been himself attacked.Hicks-Beachgirded at him to-night in comparatively gentle fashion.Harcourttossed about on bench and pettishly protested; claimedSpeaker'sprotection;Speakerdeclined to interfere. Then, digging lusty knuckles into moist eyes, he sobbed, "I—I—am not going to stay to be abused in this manner; shan't play!" and so went forth, amid the jeers and mocking laughter of naughty boys opposite.Business done.—Debate on Parnell Commission Report opened.

Tuesday.—Haven't seen anything more charming for a long time thanElliott Lees'plunge into debate on the Parnell Commission Report. Rose at same time asCharles Lewis, squaring his elbows, stretching his legs and crooking his knees, as if had just dismounted, after winning steeplechase.Charles Lewis, Bart., on feet at same time; might reasonably be supposed to claim precedence, having Amendment on paper, in addition to wide Parliamentary reputation.Leesdidn't even look at Bart. Began his remarks, taking it as a matter of course thatSpeakerwould call on him. House doesn't likeCharles Lewis, Bart., so called onLees, and Bart. withdrew, angrily snorting.

Very few Members present. Getting on for dinner-hour. General conviction that it's going to be a dull night. Nothing can help it. ButGladstonewaits, and presently, attracted byLees'superb sense of superiority, sits with hand to ear, listening with kindly smile. Nothing delights Grand Old Man so much as youth, especially aggressive youth—youth that knows about everything, with fuller information and judgment more accurate than its elders. This is what, years ago, first attracted him toRandolph. Now sits listening whileYoung Twenty-Nine, who represents Omniscience and Oldham, in drawling voice, hesitating for a word, but having no hesitation in keeping the House waiting for it, settles the question that for two years has riven parties and convulsed continents.

W. Leave-em BrightW. Leave-em Bright.

Young Twenty-Nineknew all about it from the beginning. Wasn't born in 1860 for nothing. When his own party were rushing headlong down to destruction, arranging for appointment of Commission, he had warned them of their error. But no use going back on the irrevocable. Thing is, what is to be done now?Young Twenty-Ninecasting patronising look onOld Eighty, listening on the Front Opposition Bench, would really like to have voted for his Amendment. But, on his conscience, couldn't; too strongly drawn, doncha; why hadn't he taken counsel of some young friend, and drafted his Amendment with more moderation? At same time,Young Twenty-Ninecouldn't do otherwise than condemn theTimesfor its recklessness in publishing the forged letters. Generally approved the conduct ofAttorney-General; regarded the proceedings of Irish Members with mixed feelings, and, on the whole, would vote for Resolution. WhereatOld Morality, long on tenterhooks, gave sigh of honest relief, and Grand Old Man went off to dinner with a twinkle in his eye and an amused smile lighting up his countenance. Writ moved to-night for new election for Stoke,Willie Brighthaving had enough of it. "Good-bye,Toby," he said, as he cleared out his locker; "they call meW. Leatham Bright, now I suppose it will beW. Leave-'em."

Business done.—Debate on Report of Commission.

The Hon. G. N. CurzonThe Hon. G. N.Curzonsees more Shadows. (Vide "Times" Letter, March 6.)

The Hon. G. N.Curzonsees more Shadows. (Vide "Times" Letter, March 6.)

Wednesday.—Curious little difficulty arose at meeting of House to-day. No House to meet. On WednesdaysSpeakertakes chair at twelve o'clock. Crosses Lobby, accompanied by Sergeant-at-Arms carrying Mace, and tall gentleman in shorts carrying train. Walks up floor between rows of Members, standing and bending heads like sheaves of corn over which wind passes. To-day benches bare. Chamber empty.Speakerfeels like one who treads alone some banquet-hall deserted, whose guests are fled, whose garlands dead, and all but he departed. Only in this case they haven't arrived.Chaplainin his place, ready to say his prayers. Everything here but congregation. House, it is well known, thrilled with excitement over Parnell Commission Report. Throbbing with anxiety to debate it. Manages somehow to dissemble its feelings, smother its aspirations. Presently two Members drop in; take their seats.

"Rather a small gathering," whispered theSpeaker, pleasantly.

"Yes," saysChaplain, forlornly looking round empty chamber. "A very small gathering indeed; might almost call it a pimple."

Word scarcely Parliamentary in this connection.

"Order! order!" said theSpeaker,sotto voce; and, to avoid the beginning of the sundering of friendship,Chaplainread prayers.

Business done.—Debate on Parnell Commission Report.

Thursday.—For ordinary mild-mannered man,Justin McCarthyto-night dealtCharles Lewis, Bart., whatThe Marchionessused to call "a wonner." Yesterday,Lewisdelivered carefully prepared diatribe on Report. Not particularly friendly to Ministers, especiallyJokim; but death on Irish Members.McCarthyto-day complained that, without giving notice, Bart. had made personal attack on him; and, what was worse, holding Report in hand, and purporting to quote from it, had misled House on matter of fact.

After dealing the BartAfter dealing the Bart. One for his Nob.

"But then," saidJustin, sweetly smiling, "the Hon. Baronet is a lawyer—a lawyer of the school ofMr. Sampson Brass."

Pretty graphic that; House cheered and laughed, consumedly. But what about the phrase being Parliamentary? Is there to be one rule for Chaplain of House, and another for Member for Derry?

Business done.—Still on Commission Report.

Friday Night.—Supposed to have reached full tide of surging Debate to-night. Been piling up agony all week. Now nearing crisis. Lobbies thrilling with excitement; corridors crowded with senators; competition forSpeaker'seye threatens personal danger. A great occasion, a memorable struggle. That's the sort of thing imagined outside by ingenuous public. Fact is, whenSpeakercame back from chop at twenty minutes to nine, House almost as empty as on Wednesday afternoon. Count called; bell rang; only thirty-five Members mustered; no quorum; adjourned.

Business done.—House Counted Out.

Pointing finger

NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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