Patagonian Crocodiles,
Patagonian Crocodiles,
but from news that has reached me from a private and most reliable source (I hear that the Chairman and Directors, who have gone off with the balance-sheet have disappeared, and have not been heard of for months) I should strongly advise, if you hold any of it, to get rid of it, if you can, as soon as possible. I have a similar tale to tell about
Hernebay Z's.
Hernebay Z's.
This Stock has been run up by purchasers for the fall; and, though in October last it somehow touched 117-3/8, it is now standing at 9-1/4, and, spite the rumours of increased traffic receipts (due to the fact that a family drove up to the station last week in a cab), artfully put into circulation by interested holders, I would certainly get out of it before the issue of the forthcoming Report, which I hear, on good authority, not only announces the payment of no dividend on the Debenture Stock, but makes the unwelcome statement to the shareholders of the prospective seizure of the whole of the rolling stock under a debtors' summons, a catastrophe that must land the affairs of the Company in inevitable bankruptcy. Under these circumstances, I do not think I can conscientiously advise you to "hold;" still, you might watch the Market for a day or two; but, at any rate, take my advice, and get rid of your "Crocodiles."
I subjoin some of my correspondence:—
I subjoin some of my correspondence:—
Dear Sir,—I am in the somewhat embarrassing position of being responsible for £5000 under the marriage settlement of a niece, that, owing to my want of financial knowledge, has, I fear, been somewhat injudiciously, if not absolutely, illegally invested by my Co-Trustee. Though the settlement stipulates that only Government Stocks and Railway Debentures are available, I find that the money at the present moment is thus disposed of:—
Dear Sir,—I am in the somewhat embarrassing position of being responsible for £5000 under the marriage settlement of a niece, that, owing to my want of financial knowledge, has, I fear, been somewhat injudiciously, if not absolutely, illegally invested by my Co-Trustee. Though the settlement stipulates that only Government Stocks and Railway Debentures are available, I find that the money at the present moment is thus disposed of:—
You see it is not so much the depreciated value of the Securities, which certainly read well, but the absence of the Dividend which perplexes me. What would be your advice? Should I sell, or continue to hold?
A Puzzled Trustee.
We should certainly hold.
Sir,—Acting on the advice of a friend who is in the Directorate, I have largely invested in the Automatic Hair-cutting Company. Owing, however, to the fact that customers, who will not hold their heads properly, have on several occasions latterly had their ears trimmed, and a pattern cut on their necks, several actions for heavy damages have been brought against the concern. These having been successful in every case, the Company is virtually ruined, and the shares are, in consequence, almost unsaleable. What should I do with mine?
Sir,—Acting on the advice of a friend who is in the Directorate, I have largely invested in the Automatic Hair-cutting Company. Owing, however, to the fact that customers, who will not hold their heads properly, have on several occasions latterly had their ears trimmed, and a pattern cut on their necks, several actions for heavy damages have been brought against the concern. These having been successful in every case, the Company is virtually ruined, and the shares are, in consequence, almost unsaleable. What should I do with mine?
An Anxious Speculator.
Hold. The Company has evidently touched bottom. Wait for the rise.
You will see from the above specimens, taken at random from a heap of others, that I utterly deprecate panic. "Never cut losses" is the wholesome and cheerful advice I give all my clients. There cannot be a doubt about it being thoroughly sound; for it stands to reason if no one were to sell out, no securities would ever fall. So, to nine out of ten who ask my advice I invariably say, "Hold." Though I have several stocks in prospective, the movements of which I am watching most attentively, I have, I confess, hardly got things into proper working order yet, but I have a grand scheme on foot that will, I fancy, take the wind out of the sails of many hitherto successful Stockdealers. In my new system three-and-sixpence will cover £500! Here will be a chance for even the schoolboy to taste the delights of Monte Carlo. But more of this later. Suffice it to say, that I have a "Combination Pool" in my eye, that if I can only carry out with the right sort of stock, ought to make the fortune of every one concerned.
Charles Wynd'em UpCharles Wynd'em Up.
Theatrical Short Service Bill.—Charles the Second (Wyndham)is following in the footsteps ofCharles the First (Mathews)and beginning to play several short pieces as one entertainment, instead of giving a three-act farce or comedy, and one brief and unimportant curtain-raiser. At least, he isTrying It On. How far preferable, in the summer and autumn season, would be an evening bill of fare consisting of threeentrées, each of a different character, and all of first-rate quality. The patron of the drama could pick and choose, and be satisfied with an hour, or two hours, or three hours' entertainment. How much better for the actor's art, too, by way of varying hisrôles. The stall people would rather pay the present price of half a guinea for anything, however short, which it was the fashion to see, than for a long piece which only bores them. To see short pieces, they might come two or three times instead of once, and the management could make a reduction on taking a quantity.
There is a small fortune waiting for thisCharles, or t'otherCharles, 'ycleptHawtrey, whichever may take up the idea and work it.
Audi Magistrum Punchium.
WINDOW STUDIESWINDOW STUDIES.The Struggle for Life. (Three Cab-runners after One Small Portmanteau.)]
The Struggle for Life. (Three Cab-runners after One Small Portmanteau.)]
Mr. Punch loquitur:—
Mr. Punch loquitur:—
"Mr. Stanley, I presume!" Well, the crowd will fuss and fume,From the mob you'll get, no doubt, a noisy greeting:;But I'm pleased to take your hand on the threshold of the land;This is truly a most gratifying meeting!Nay, no need for you to blush, for I am not going to gushThere are plenty who'll indulge in fuss and flummery.Heroes like to be admired, but you'll probably be tiredOf tall-talk ere this spring greenery shows summery."An illustrious pioneer," says the Belgian King. 'Tis clearThat at any rate you've earned that appellation.True words tell, though tattlers twist 'em, and a "mighty fluvial system"You have opened up no doubt to civilisation.Spreading tracts of territory 'tis your undisputed gloryTo have footed for the first time (save by savages),The result will be that Trade will there supersede the raidOf the slaver, and the ruthless chieftain's ravages.That is useful work well done, and it hasn't been all fun,As you found in that huge awful tract of forest,And you must have felt some doubt of your chance of winning outOf all perils when your need was at the sorest.Mortal sickness now and then, and the pranks of lesser men,Must have tried your iron health and steely temper.But, likeScipioof old, you 're as patient as you're bold,And you turn up tough and timely,idem semper!Stanley Africanus!Yes, that's a fitting name, I guess,For as stout a soul asPublius Cornelius;And now, probably, there's no man will not dub you "noblest Roman,"Though you once had many a foeman contumelious.Have them still? Oh yes, no doubt; but just now they'll scarce speak outIn a tone to mar the laudatory chorus:Though when once they've had a look,Henrymine, in your Big Book,They with snips, and snaps, and snarls, are sure to bore us.Well, that will not matter much if you only keep in touchWith all that is humane, and wise, and manly.Your time has been well spent in that huge Dark Continent,And all England's word to-day is, "Welcome,Stanley!"
"Mr. Stanley, I presume!" Well, the crowd will fuss and fume,From the mob you'll get, no doubt, a noisy greeting:;But I'm pleased to take your hand on the threshold of the land;This is truly a most gratifying meeting!Nay, no need for you to blush, for I am not going to gushThere are plenty who'll indulge in fuss and flummery.Heroes like to be admired, but you'll probably be tiredOf tall-talk ere this spring greenery shows summery."An illustrious pioneer," says the Belgian King. 'Tis clearThat at any rate you've earned that appellation.True words tell, though tattlers twist 'em, and a "mighty fluvial system"You have opened up no doubt to civilisation.Spreading tracts of territory 'tis your undisputed gloryTo have footed for the first time (save by savages),The result will be that Trade will there supersede the raidOf the slaver, and the ruthless chieftain's ravages.That is useful work well done, and it hasn't been all fun,As you found in that huge awful tract of forest,And you must have felt some doubt of your chance of winning outOf all perils when your need was at the sorest.Mortal sickness now and then, and the pranks of lesser men,Must have tried your iron health and steely temper.But, likeScipioof old, you 're as patient as you're bold,And you turn up tough and timely,idem semper!
"Mr. Stanley, I presume!" Well, the crowd will fuss and fume,
From the mob you'll get, no doubt, a noisy greeting:;
But I'm pleased to take your hand on the threshold of the land;
This is truly a most gratifying meeting!
Nay, no need for you to blush, for I am not going to gush
There are plenty who'll indulge in fuss and flummery.
Heroes like to be admired, but you'll probably be tired
Of tall-talk ere this spring greenery shows summery.
"An illustrious pioneer," says the Belgian King. 'Tis clear
That at any rate you've earned that appellation.
True words tell, though tattlers twist 'em, and a "mighty fluvial system"
You have opened up no doubt to civilisation.
Spreading tracts of territory 'tis your undisputed glory
To have footed for the first time (save by savages),
The result will be that Trade will there supersede the raid
Of the slaver, and the ruthless chieftain's ravages.
That is useful work well done, and it hasn't been all fun,
As you found in that huge awful tract of forest,
And you must have felt some doubt of your chance of winning out
Of all perils when your need was at the sorest.
Mortal sickness now and then, and the pranks of lesser men,
Must have tried your iron health and steely temper.
But, likeScipioof old, you 're as patient as you're bold,
And you turn up tough and timely,idem semper!
Stanley Africanus!Yes, that's a fitting name, I guess,For as stout a soul asPublius Cornelius;And now, probably, there's no man will not dub you "noblest Roman,"Though you once had many a foeman contumelious.Have them still? Oh yes, no doubt; but just now they'll scarce speak outIn a tone to mar the laudatory chorus:Though when once they've had a look,Henrymine, in your Big Book,They with snips, and snaps, and snarls, are sure to bore us.Well, that will not matter much if you only keep in touchWith all that is humane, and wise, and manly.Your time has been well spent in that huge Dark Continent,And all England's word to-day is, "Welcome,Stanley!"
Stanley Africanus!Yes, that's a fitting name, I guess,
For as stout a soul asPublius Cornelius;
And now, probably, there's no man will not dub you "noblest Roman,"
Though you once had many a foeman contumelious.
Have them still? Oh yes, no doubt; but just now they'll scarce speak out
In a tone to mar the laudatory chorus:
Though when once they've had a look,Henrymine, in your Big Book,
They with snips, and snaps, and snarls, are sure to bore us.
Well, that will not matter much if you only keep in touch
With all that is humane, and wise, and manly.
Your time has been well spent in that huge Dark Continent,
And all England's word to-day is, "Welcome,Stanley!"
STANLEY AFRICANUSSTANLEY AFRICANUS!Mr. Punch(saluting). "MR. STANLEY, I PRESUME!"
Mr. Punch(saluting). "MR. STANLEY, I PRESUME!"
In hisBy Order of the CzarMr.Joseph Hattonexposes the cruelties of Muscovite rule in the most trenchant yet entertaining fashion. The headings to the chapters (to say nothing of their contents) are exciting to a degree, and consequently it is not altogether surprising that the Russian officials, possibly hearing that the three handsome volumes might cause a revolution, should have refused them admission to the Emperor's dominions. Be this as it may, in each of the aforesaid handsome volumes appears a slip of yellow paper, announcing that "it is prohibited by the Government of theCzarfrom circulation in Russia." How fortunate—not, of course, for the Russians, poor things, to be deprived of this treat—but how fortunate that it is not prohibitedhere! With Mr.Joseph Hattoncontinuously in his thoughts, theBaronhas sung ever since—not only "In the Gloaming," be it understood, but during the following day, and well into the succeeding night—"Bestfor him (J. H),and bestfor me (B. de B. W.)." The novel should have a large general circulation, in spite of the boycotting to which it has been locally subjected in St. Petersburg, Moscow, and Siberia.
MissJeanie Middlemasshas made a step in the right direction by publishingTwo False Moves. Like all her work, the new novel is deeply interesting. As it is full of "go," it is sure to be continually on the march in the circulating libraries.
InMiss Mephistopheles, Mr.Feargus Humegives us a story much in advance ofThe Mystery of a Hansom Cab. It is better in construction, its character sketches are more life-like, and its literary style is superior—therefore there is every chance of its not being so successful with the general public.
Baron de Book-worms & Co.
Court in the ActCourt in the Act; or, Mag-Pi-nero flying to a Wood with a few leaves from the Gilbertum Topsyturveycum Bookum.
Mrs. Woodcan't expect to be always the lucky possessor of aDandy Dick, nor can Mr.Pinerohope always to be up to that really good farcical standard. The goodPinerohas nodded over this.The Cabinet Ministeris an excellent title thrown away. The Cabinet Minister himself, Mr.Arthur Cecil, in his official costume, playing the flute, is as burlesque as the General in full uniform, in Mr.Gilbert's"Wedding March," sitting with his feet in hot-water. The married boy and girl, with their doll baby and irritatingly unreal quarrels, reminded me of the boy-and-girl lovers inBrantingham Hall. The mother ofThe Macphail—the wooden Scotch figure (represented by Mr.B. Thomas) still to be seen at the door of small tobacconists,—is a Helen-Macgregorish bore, curiously suggestive of what Mr.Rightonmight look like in petticoats. Mrs.John Wood'spart is a very trying one, and not what the public expect from her.
Though the piece begins fairly well, yet it is dull until Mr.Weedon Grossmith, asJoseph Lebanon, comes on the scene in the Second Act, when everyone begins to be amused, and ends by being disappointed.Josephremains the hero of the situation, and, cad as he is, the behaviour of the ladies and gentlemen towards him reduces them to his level, so that, in spite of its being a farce, we begin to pity him as we pity Mr.Guthrie'sPariah, and as those who rememberTheodore Hook'snovel have pitied that wretched little cad,Jack Brag. The part is not equal toAunt Jack'sSolicitor, and had Mr.Grossmith, by the kind permission of Mr.Pinero, departed from the conventional Adelphi and Drury Lane type of comic Hebraic money-lender, he would have done better. The piece is played with the burlesque earnestness that characterised the first performances ofEngagedat the Haymarket, which piece the Scotch accent recalls to the playgoer's memory. No one can possibly feel any interest in the lovers.
As a rule Mr.Pinero'sstage-management is simple and effective: but here the design is confused and the result is an appearance of restless uncertainty. Drumdurris Castle seems to be a lunatic asylum, of which the principal inmates are two elderly female patients, one, like a twopence-coloured plate of some ancient Scotch heroine, with a craze about Scotland, and the other mad on saying "Fal-lal," and screaming out something about "motives." If eight of the characters were cut out, "they'd none of 'em be missed," and if the play were compressed into one Act, it would contain the essence of all that was worth retaining, and, with a few songs and dances, might make an attractivelever de rideauor "laughable farce to finish," before, or after, a revival ofDandy Dick.
Amicus Candidus.
An acre of land in Melbourne is better than two miles in the bush.
Not enough at the Aquarium pays better than a feast.
You may start a train punctually from the terminus, but you can't get it to keep its timeen route.
You can't make an English purse out of an Irish Land Bill.
A Tea Duty will annoy for ever.
It is the early Tram-man who holds the morning meeting.
Look after the wire-fences for the horses and the hounds will take care of themselves.
A man may go nine times to Holloway for contempt, and after the tenth visit come before the Official Receiver and be broke.
A School Board is soon parted from its money.
Give a dog a muzzle and you needn't chain him.
"Nothing when you're Roose'd to It,"—We've heard plenty aboutdiner à la Roose, and theHere and There and Everywhere and Fare of London Life, but now we are to haveFasting à la Roose. Vide article in May number ofNew Reviewon Fasting, by Dr.Robinson Crusoe,—beg pardon,—should have said Dr.Robson Roose O. Article not variation onRoose O'sDream, but thoroughly practical.
Wednesday, April 30.—Mr. Punchrises early and appears everywhere. Whole holiday. General rejoicings. Grand Banquet in the evening as usual. Private Reception of Mr.Stanley, I presume. No one admitted without orders—on his uniform. Great reception of Mr. H. M.Stanleyby his Hairdresser.
Thursday, May 1.—Headaches. Chimney Sweeper's Day. Sootable occasion for Sweeping Reform Meetings everywhere. N. B.—Edinburgh Exhibition. Scots wha' hae. Reception of Mr. H. M.Stanleyby the eminent Explorer's tailor, bootmaker, and hosier.
Friday, May 2.—Strictly Private View of the Pictures at Burlington House. Admissions limited to not more than 100,000 patrons of Art. Quiet day. Everybody preparing speech for the Academy Banquet to-morrow. Deputation to Mr. H. M.Stanleyfrom Aquarium, to ask if he will takeSucci'splace.
Saturday.—Great Cooking Match at the Café Royal, Lunch Time, Trial Steaks. Opening of the front door by Mr. H. M.Stanley. Snug little dinner at Burlington House. SirFrederick, P. R. A., in the chair. Musical entertainment by Mr.Whistler. Fireworks by Mr.H-rry F-rn-ss.
Sunday.—Dies Non.No Day!! Curious effect. Gas lighted everywhere. Private Banquet to Mr.Stanley, who discovers the sauce of the lobster, and takes it with his salmon. Rejoicings.
Monday.—Ceremony of changing sentinels at Buckingham Palace. Every sentinel very much changed after the operation. Opening of a New Book by Mr. H. M.Stanley. Mrs.Snooks'sfirst dance, if she has learnt it in time for to-night.
Tuesday.—Preparations for to-morrow. The Platelayers' annual festival,Robert, the Waiter, in the chair. Reception by Mr. H. M.Stanley, of a parcel from his tailor's. Usual banquets, dances, races, excursions, alarums.
Wednesday.—Mr. Punchcomes out stronger than ever. Congratulatory telegrams from all parts of Europe. Banquet as usual.
The Scandinavian ComposerThe Scandinavian Composer.
Tuesday, April 22.—Mr.Bennett'sLibretto ofThorgrimgood from literary point of view; poor from dramatic ditto. ComposerCowennot possessing dramatic power sufficient for two, cannot supply the want. Sestett and Chorus, end of Act II., skilfully worked up, and received with acclamation. Opera, in a general way, Wagnerish. Orchestration shows the hand of a master, MasterCowen. Local colour good, but too much local colour spoils the Opera. Mr.McGuckinisThorgrimto the life; singing, acting, and make-up admirable. MissZélie de Lussanhighly commendable. MissTremelli, mother ofHelgi(an ugly name and scarcely mentionable to ears polite), loud and leading as a lady-villain.HelgiandArnoraare first cousins (not once removed) toTelrammondthe Tedious andOrtrudethe Orful. Mr.CelliasKing, a sort of ScandinavianBeau Brummel, imparts light comedy touch to Opera, which, but for this, might have been a trifle dull.Cowencalled, came, congratulated. H. R. H. Prince ofWales, setting the best example, as he always does, to Opera-goers, came at the beginning and remained to the end.
April 23.—Maritanadelighted everyone. MissGeorgina Burnssplendid. Mr.John Child, asCæsar, good child. Mr.Leslie Crottygood forJosé.
April 26.—Lohengrin.Kingplayed byPopewith considerable amount of temporal power.F. Daviesgood as theHerald, but whichHeraldhe is, whether the "Family" or "New York" not quite clear. Incidental music by amateurs in the Gallery, who, in lengthy interval between Second and Third Scenes of Last Act, whistled "We won't go home till morning!"
Carl Rosa Opera season soon over, then Drama at Drury Lane, and Italian Opera at Covent Garden.Augustus Druriolanus Operaticus Counticouncillarius(Sheriffin posse, Aldermanin futuro, and Lord Mayorin futurissimo) keeps the ball a rolling at both Houses.
STRICTLY PRIVATE VIEWSTRICTLY PRIVATE VIEW, ROYAL ACADEMY.
(By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet.)
(By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet.)
The Duke ofDumpshireseems to have been much annoyed by my statement that he killed two trainers with his own hand, for being caught watching a trial of his Derby horses, and that the Jockey Club took no action. I beg to inform his Grace and those who approve his methods, that I care no more for their annoyance than I do for the muddy-minded lucubrations of Mr.Jeremyand his servile tribe of moon-calves. I have public duties to perform, and if, in the course of my comments on racing, I should find myself occasionally compelled to run counter to the imbecile prejudices of some of the aristocratic patrons of the turf, I can assure my readers that I shall not flinch from the task. I therefore repeat that, in the middle of last month, the Duke ofDumpshirekilled two trainers, and that up to the present time the Jockey Club have not enforced against him the five-pound penalty which is specially provided by their rules for offences of this sort. When Mr.Jacobs, who has no aristocratic connections, ventured to lynch a rascally tout on Newmarket Heath last year, he was made to pay up at once. The contrast is suggestive.
A lot of jannering nonsense has been talked aboutBazaarby the Will-o'-the-Wisps who mislead the long-suffering public in turf matters.Bazaaris byRectorout ofChurch Mouse, and in his pedigree are to be found such well-known roarers asBoanergesandHallelujah Sal—not much of a recommendation to anybody except Mr.Jeremy. His own performances are worse than contemptible. As a two-year old, he was placed second at eight stone toCandlestickin the Warmington Open Welter Handicap. After that he sprang a curb in the middle of his back, and the fools who train him actually brought him out to run in the All-aged Selling Plate at Ballymacwhacket. He won the race easily enough of course, but only an impostor, whose head was stuffed with horsehair, would attach the least importance to that. Since then he has eaten two pairs of spurs, a halter, and half of a jockey, which scarcely looks like winning races. I have now relieved my conscience on the matter, so if the puddle-brains wish to back him, their loss must lie at their own doors.
The Marquis deMillepardonhas boughtChowbockfor £2000. At the last Epsom MeetingChowbockshowed himself a fine pace-maker in an East wind, having cantered in fromSister Mary, who as good as walked roundVilikinswhen the latter was being tried without his pastern-pad on the Cotswold Hills. At the same time it must be remembered, thatSister Maryonly got home by a length fromSmockfrock, after having been double-girthed and provided with a bucket ofPocock'santiseptic, anti-crib-biting condition balls for internal application over the Newmarket T. Y. C.
Next week, I may have something to say about Derby prospects. For the present, I can only advise would-be investors to steer clear of Mr.Jeremyand his quacking, goose-headed parasites.
Change of Name.—M.Succi, having succeeded in existing for forty days on water alone, will henceforth be known as Water-Succi.
FELICITOUS QUOTATIONSFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS."Is this a Dagger that I see before me?"
"Is this a Dagger that I see before me?"
(Notes of a Very Important Journey.)
(Notes of a Very Important Journey.)
Left Victoria by special train. On my road met my dear old friendBrown. We were boys together. Nothing I would not do for him.Brownsays the dearest object of his life is to welcomeStanley. Can't I take him with me? (This on learning the nature ofmyexpedition.) He is off to Canada to-morrow—early. More sorry than I can say—impossible. Only invitation for "one." One, myself. He sighs and we part—it may be for years, it may be for ever. Sorrowful, but cheered up by party in special train. Everybody in great spirits going to welcomeStanley. Dearest object of everybody's life. To pass the time tell one another stories of adventure. Man who was in the Franco-German War explains how he would have defended Metz if he had beenBazaine. Man who went through the Soudan (perhaps a trifle jealous), says if hehadbeenBazainehe wouldn't have defended Metz at all, becauseBazainewas a traitor. Row imminent, so cut in with my adventure in a life-boat. Graphic account. Ship springing a-leak; men at the pumps; boats given up to the women and children. The good ship—well, never mind the name of ship; have forgotten it—lurches, gives one long roll, and sinks! Remaining passengers, headed by myself, swarm up the rigging to the mizzen-top. High sea, thunder and lightning. Great privations. Sun sinks in red, moon rises in green. All hope gone, when—hurrah, a sail! It is the life-boat! Slung on board by ropes. Rockets and coloured lights let off. The coxswain calls upon the crew to "pull blue," or "pull white." Startling adventures. On the rocks! Off them! Saved! Everybody pleased with my story. Keep to myself the fact that I have only once in my life been on board a life-boat—when it was practising off Lynton. No more stories after mine. Company (disheartened) break up into groups. Pleased with the scenery. After all, there is no place like Dover—when you stop there. Glad I am not going to welcomeStanleyon the other side of the Channel. London, Chatham and Dover Railway arrangements capital, especially when you are travellingen prince.
Ah, here we are at Dover! MeetJones—of course, he is going to welcomeStanley. So areSnooksandSmith. And, as I live, oldTompkins! Well, this is very plucky of oldTompkins. Thought he was dead years ago. Says he would not missStanleyfor worlds. More would I. Great privilege to welcome him. Feel it most deeply. The greatest explorer of the age. But sea-air has made me a trifle hungry and thirsty. I daresay lunch is going on somewhere. Find it isn't! Deputation of Vergers, seemingly from Canterbury Cathedral, headed by a beadle, carrying an ear-trumpet, forcing their way through crowd. Police arrangements the reverse of satisfactory. Distinguished proprietor of influential newspaper hustled—possibly mistaken forEmin Pasha, who would bede tropon such an occasion. But must have lunch. Not up to form of SignorSucci. So avoid the brilliant but giddy throng, and find out a favourite little restaurant close to the Lord Warden. Frenchplatsand some excellentGrave. Know theGraveof old—seldom asked for, and so kept long in bottle. Order a nice little luncheon and feel rather sleepy. Luncheon ready. Do it justice, and fancy suddenly that I am in charge of the lamp in a lighthouse. Rough night. Ah! the life-boat! manned by oldTompkins(adventurous chap oldTompkins)Snooks,Jones,SmithandBrown. Thought latter had gone to Canada! Open eyes with a start. Waiter and bill. Bless me, how late it is. Must be off at once to welcomeStanley. Meet oldTompkins,Snooks,JonesandSmithinstead. They tell me that they have all welcomedStanley. Found him being "run into" the train by two policemen! Thought him looking very well. Didn't I? Ask, where is he now? Don't I know? Why gone back by the special! Thought I must have missed it on purpose. Hurry away in bad temper. May catch him up. Pop into fast train just starting. Scenery bad. Weather horrid. Fellow travellers unsupportable. Ah, here we are at last at Victoria. One satisfaction—Browndidn't welcome him either. Why hereisBrownon the platform—do him a last good turn—describeStanley. I tell him that the great explorer looks younger than ever, wears big cap, white suit, revolver and field-glasses. Every inch a portrait in theDaily Graphic!Brownsays, "That's strange, as he didn't look likethatwhenhesaw him!" AppearsBrownput off trip to Canada to welcome him. Can't be helped! Shall meetStanleysomewhere (movements advertised daily in theTimes) and when Idowon't I give him a bit of my mind, for not waiting long enough to let me welcome him!
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, April 21.—House really beginning to fill up.Hartingtonback from the Riviera. First time he has appeared this Session; lounged in with pretty air of having been there yesterday and just looked in again. Blushed with surprise to find Members on both sides welcoming him with cheer.
"We all likeHartington," saidSage of Queen Anne's Gate. "Of course we liked him better when he agreed with our opinions; but we can't all keep straight, and he's gone wrong. Still, we bear him no malice. Sorry he was ill; glad he's better. Must encourage this benevolent attitude towards him, since it enables us, with fuller vigour to denounceChamberlain. You see, when we howl atChamberlain, they can't say we are simply moved by personal spite, because here we are cheeringHartingtonas he returns to the fray."
John Dillonback too; bronzed with Australian suns; ruddy with the breezes of lusty Colorado. Everyone glad to seeJohnback; first because everyone likes him; next for reasons akin to those which theSagefrankly acknowledges when cheeringHartington. Even in the evil days whenJohn Dillonused to fold his arms and flash dark glances of defiance on SpeakerBrand, House didn't include him in same angry, uncompromising, denunciation as hurtled round head ofWilliam O'Brien,Tim Healy, and dear oldJoseph Gillis.John Dillonsometimes suspended; occasionally sent to prison; but the honesty of his motives, the purity of his patriotism, always acknowledged. Mistaken, led astray (that is to say differed from us on matters of opinion), but meant well.
The SageThe Sage.
"Yes,Toby," said theSage, lighting another cigarette; "always well when you're going it hot for a Party to have some individual in it whom you can omit from general implication of infamous motives. Gives one high moral standpoint, doncha know. Thus, when I want to suggest thatthe Markissis a mere tool in hands ofBismarck, I extol honest purposes ofOld Morality; hint, you know, that he is not so sharp of perception as he might be; but that gives him the fuller claim upon our sympathy, seeing that he is yoked with a colleague of the natural depravity, and capable of the infinite iniquity, which marks theMarkiss'srelations with public affairs. The great thing, dearToby, in public controversy is to assume an attitude of impartiality. When you have to suggest that a political adversary was privy to the putting-away of his grandmother, do it rather in sorrow than in anger, and if you can find or make an opportunity of saying at the same time a kind word for one of his colleagues, seize it. That's why we cheerHartingtonto-night, and why the Tories sometimes admit thatJohn Dillon'san honest man."
Business done.—Parnellmoved rejection of Land Purchase Bill.
Tuesday.—Courtneyon in his famous quick-change scene. One minute he is discovered in recesses of canopied chair as Speaker; the next is seated at table as Chairman of Committees.Speaker, everyone sorry to learn, is ill in bed. SoCourtneydoubles his part. Proceeding watched with profound interest from Strangers' Gallery. At ten minutes and ten seconds to Seven House in Committee of Supply.Courtneyin Chair at table; Mace off the table;Tanneron his legs. As hand of clock falters over the numeral ten,Courtneygets up, says never a word, wheels to right out of Chair and marches to rear.Tannerstops midway in sentence and resumes seat. Sergeant-at-Arms bowing thrice advances, lifts Mace on to table, and retires. Stranger in Gallery wondering what has become ofCourtney, appalled by discovering him inSpeaker'sChair, quite a new man. On these occasions marks his swiftly varying condition by altered tone of voice. As Chairman of Committees, assumes piping treble voice, as Deputy-Chairman drops occasional observations in profound bass.
Sergeant-at-ArmsSergeant-at-Arms (and Legs).
"Only thing left to me, dearToby," he said, when I congratulated him on his treble. "Haven't time to change dress, even if it were permissible; must do something to mark wide gulf fixed between Chairman of Committee andSpeaker; so hit upon this scheme. Glad you like the treble; a little out of my line, but practice makes perfect."
At Evening Sitting question of Labour and Capital brought on byBartley.Cunninghame-Grahamlet House see what a terrible fellow he is. Doesn't look the part; but after speech to-night no question of his innate ferocity.Sim Tappertitnot in it for such blood-curdling remarks. "I have," he said just now, "often interfered between Capital and Labour; but, thank Heaven! I have never interfered in the character of a conciliator."
"Ha, ha!" he cried, a little later,à proposof nothing. "You talk of inciting to violence. I have never incited to violence, and wherefore? Because, in present state of affairs, with society a vast organised conspiracy, violence would recoil on the heads of the Working Classes. But, Sir, the time will come when things will be otherwise, and the very moment that power is in the hands of the Working Classes I shall incite them to violence."
After this House took early opportunity of adjourning. Pretty to see Members stealing across Palace Yard in the dark, looking furtively right and left, not sure that moment was not come, andSimon Cunninghame Tappertit Grahamwas not hounding on his "United Bulldogs" against the Classes. "We must look out,Broadhurst," saidJames Rowlands, nervously rubbing his hand. "It's all very well of your retiring to Cromer. I think I shall practise with a revolver; shall certainly carry a sword-stick."
Business done.—Budget Resolutions through Committee.
Thursday Night.—Home Secretarycame down to-day in unusually good spirits. Nothing happened of late to give enemy occasion to blaspheme. Crewe affair seems quite forgotten; nobody going to be hanged when he ought to be reprieved, or reprieved when he ought to be hanged. Seems almost as if, after all, life forHome Secretarywould be worth living. Whatever embarrassments ahead belong to other Departments of Ministry. Land Purchase troubles, not theHome Secretary, nor Bi-Metallism either.Raikesbeen doing something at the Post Office.Goschenbeen tampering with tea, and sinning in the matter of currants. Something wrong with the Newfoundland Fisheries, but thatFergusson'slook-out. True,Elchowanting to know about some prisoners taken from Ipswich to Bury in chains. Sounds bad sort of thing; sure to be letters in newspapers about it. ButHome Secretaryable to lay hand on heart and swear the chains were light.Elchoblustered a bit. Irish Members, naturally interested in arrangements for going to prison, threateningly cheered; but after whatMatthewshad suffered in other times this affair lighter than the chains themselves.
Incident had passed; questions on paper disposed of; soon be debating Land Purchase Bill; all would be well for at least another day. Suddenly up getsHarcourt; wants to know who is responsible for the design of new police buildings on Thames Embankment? Flush of pride mantles brow ofMatthews. This red-hot building—its gables, its roofs, its windows, its doorways, and its twisted knockers—was designed under his direction. It is his dower to London, set forth on one of its most spacious sites. What doesHarcourtwant to know about it? Why isPlunketso studious in repudiating all responsibility for the thing? Wherefore does crowded House cheer and laugh whenHarcourtgives notice to call attention to building on Home Office Vote? Can it be possible that here is another mistake? Ought he to have hanged the architect instead of encouraging him? Always doing things for the best, and they turn out the very worst. Been occasionally misunderstood; but did, at least, think that London would be grateful for this emanation from the heated architectural mind.
"Looks so like a carbuncle suddenly developed on Embankment, with the stately Thames swirling below, that I really thought they would like it," saidHome Secretary, mopping his furrowed brow. "But there are some people,Toby, who are never pleased, and prominent among them are the people of London."
Business done.—Debate on Land Purchase Bill.
Friday.—Things rather in a muddle to-day all round. At Morning Sitting didn't get Supply which everybody expected would be order of day; didn't proceed with Allotments Bill, which was first on Orders. At night,Provandon first with Dried Currants;McLarento follow with Woman's Suffrage, neither turned up, and at half-past eleven by dint of Closure, got into Committee of Supply.George Campbellcruising up and down in New Guinea steamer; finally docked. ThenArthur Williamsmoved to report progress; more discussion;Old Moralitypounced; Division on Closure;CourtneynamedSheehyas one of tellers;Sheehyin Limerick; House couldn't wait for him to return; soWaddybrought out of Lobby to tell withTanner. When Closure carried, it was ten minutes past one. House bound to rise at one o'clock; Chairman equally bound to put the question, which was to report progress. Motion for progress negatived, which meant that the House would go on with business; but it being a quarter past one Deputy-Speaker must needs leave Chair, and so sitting collapsed.
"Dear me!" saidBolton, "this is hard to understand. Must go off to the Garrick and think it over."
Business done.—None.
Pointing finger
NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.