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Mr. Dunthorneof Vigo Street is exhibiting a collection of "Atmospheric Notes," which are not, as Esoteric Buddhists might conclude, missives forwarded by astral current from a Mahatma, but a series of very charming pastels, by Mr.George Hitchcock. They are records of land, sea, and sky effects in Holland, characterised by a poetry and feeling, and a subtlety of colour that give equal pleasure to mind and eye.Mr. Punchpredicts, that the fortunate possessor of any one of these Notes, will be in no hurry to change it.
'COUNTRY AND DUTY.'"COUNTRY AND DUTY."Mr. W. H. S."IT'S GOT A LITTLE RUSTY,—BUT I'LL HAVE IT READY IN TIME!"
Mr. W. H. S."IT'S GOT A LITTLE RUSTY,—BUT I'LL HAVE IT READY IN TIME!"
AN UNKIND SUGGESTION.AN UNKIND SUGGESTION.Cabby (who has been paid his legal fare in threepenny bits and coppers)."Where did yer get this Lot from, eh? Been a robbin' the Child's Money-Box?"
Cabby (who has been paid his legal fare in threepenny bits and coppers)."Where did yer get this Lot from, eh? Been a robbin' the Child's Money-Box?"
Well, if we aint bin and had a fine time of it at Gildhall this last week or two, it's a pitty! What the pore harf-starved County Counsellors must have thort of it all, it isn't for me to say, and how they all felt when the ginerous old Copperashun tossed 'em a few dozzen tickets to skrambel for, when the great Mr.Stanleycame to supper, of course I carnt tell, but them few as I knowed seemed to find their way to my refreshment department as if by hinstinkt. I didn't, of course, hear the grate Traweller's grand speech, but I'm told as my pore namesake, SirRobert FowlerM.P.'s face was a site to see while he lissened to sitch a descripshun of his Quaker Friends as he probberbly never heard afore.
There was grate complaints made about the want of enuff wittles and drink, but anyone who seed, as I did, the fust rush for 'em by the hungry mob, couldn't have been much surprised at that. Why, I myself seed, with my two estonished eyes, one gent, as I spose he called hisself, take up a hole dish of most lovely Hoyster Pattys, and skoop out all the Hoysters with a spoon, and then return the hemty Pattys from whence they came! Feeling as I couldn't be of no more use after there was nothink left for me to hand to the fresh mob as kept on arriving, I quietly warked off, and made my way to the supper-room, where the hemenent Traweller was aswaging the pangs of hunger with reel Turtel Soup and setterer. Ah! what a contrast! Plenty of everythink, and plenty of room to enjoy it.
With that abundant kindness as so distinguishes him, theLord Mareacshally hintroduced me to the Ero of the Heavening, who kindly shook hands with me, and hoped as how as we shood meet again, which I can quite bleeve if he thinks as it allers includes reel Turtel Soup, and setterer. Rayther different living to what he has bin accustomed to for 3 years parst, pore Feller! They tell me as he as bin to the Mountins of the Moon. Evins! ow did he get back? By balloon. But I don't kwite bleeve horl I eers.
But on the following Friday there wasn't not no xceptions to anythink, and everrybody, from the Prince ofWaleshisself, down to the werry umblest Postman or Sorter, left that nobel old Hall, estonished, and delited, and appy.
And no wunder, for, by the combined efforts of the hole Copperashun and its werry numerus Staff, and the hole Army of Postmen, and Tellacram Men, and all manner of Sorters, and Stampers, St. Martin's-le-Grand was removed boddily to Gildall, and everything that was ever done in the one place was dun in the other before the estonished eyes of sum two thousand of us, ewen includin four-horse Male Coaches, with sacks of letters, and reel Gards with reel Horns, which they blowed most butifully. It was a gloreus Jewbelee! I'm that bizzy I hardly noes wich way to turn first, so no more at pressunt from yores trewly,
Robert.
SUGGESTIONS FOR PICTORIAL DIRECTORY.Regent's Circus.
Did ye hear of the Duke ofAthlone?Ohone!He's a son of the Heir to the ThroneFull grown.Of a prince quite a pictur',Is youngAlbert Victor,Who'll now as the Duke ofAthloneBe known,He'll be the Great Gun of Athlone!
Did ye hear of the Duke ofAthlone?Ohone!He's a son of the Heir to the ThroneFull grown.Of a prince quite a pictur',Is youngAlbert Victor,Who'll now as the Duke ofAthloneBe known,He'll be the Great Gun of Athlone!
Did ye hear of the Duke ofAthlone?
Ohone!
He's a son of the Heir to the Throne
Full grown.
Of a prince quite a pictur',
Is youngAlbert Victor,
Who'll now as the Duke ofAthlone
Be known,
He'll be the Great Gun of Athlone!
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(With Salutation to the "Society for the Promotion of Enjoyment during Luncheon Hours, specially in the City.")
(With Salutation to the "Society for the Promotion of Enjoyment during Luncheon Hours, specially in the City.")
No, I certainly didnotorder Irish Stew; but as you have now brought it, and I have been waiting a quarter of an hour for a cut from the joint, I prefer to take it.
This room is very stuffy and crowded. Is that purple-faced gentleman in the corner suffering from an apoplectic stroke?
No; buthehas been waitinghalfan hour for the Irish Stew which I have just annexed. He seems angry about it.
Waiter, would you try not to kick my chair and knock the back of my head every time you pass with a dish?
Yes, I know it's a narrow gangway, and that everybody in this dark and confined crib which you call a City Restaurant is cramped for room; still, Idoobject to collisions between my best hat and somebody else's victuals.
Would you mind talking to me in the Deaf and Dumb Alphabet? In this maddening clatter it is impossible to hear a word you say.
That young man three from me is evidently training as the Champion Express Eater of the World. He has got through joint, potatoes, rhubarb tart, and Cheddar cheese in seven minutes, and is now putting on his hat to go.
Is this spacious airy hall, with a fountain playing in the middle of shrubs, and abundant light coming in through painted windows, really the "Apple-pie Restaurant" in its new form?
And this neat-handed Phyllis, who respectfully awaits my orders as soon as I have taken my very comfortable seat,canshe be the substitute for the over-worked and distracted City waiter of the past?
I see that especial care is taken to prevent the room being filled with more lunchers than it can hold with comfort to each individual customer, by an apparatus which automatically closes the door when every seat is full.
What! No shooting down of one's plate before one as if fired from a catapult, and no tedious waiting for dishes never ordered! This is a Luncher's Paradise.
It seems possible that I may now escape the dyspepsia which, in the old days, was the unfailing legacy of lunch.
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"Toujours 'Gay.'"—On an exit of Mrs.Langtry, asEsther Sandraz, at the St. James's Theatre:—
"Adieu! she cried, and wav'd her Lily hand."
"Adieu! she cried, and wav'd her Lily hand."
"Adieu! she cried, and wav'd her Lily hand."
[How is it that Messrs. Transparent Soap & Co. have never hit on this? Presented gratis.]
Forthcoming New Workto be expected in about six weeks' time,Newton's Principia, revised and corrected by Mr.Justice Cave.
No. 190. Lottie and Stottie of Oldham.
No. 92. Photography under Difficulties.
No. 381. "Sich a gettin' up Stairs!" "How shall we get on to landing of the Gallery from here without a trapèze?"
Not much time for books this week, says the Baron; just been able to glance atW. S. Lilly'sRight and Wrong: verdict—so far, all right, nothing wrong. Sharp chapter on journalism—severe, but not unjust. Picked up small book, for which inquire atW. H. Smith'sbookstalls,Four Thousand Years After, byHelen L. Chevalier. Baroness having read it, highly recommends it in hot weather, as being a weird, mystical legend, of a soothing and interesting character, commencing a few years before "Adamdelved andEvespan," and finishing in the time of steam yachts; so that it is brought right up to date. It is full of incident and picturesque description. I see Mr.Farjeonhas been at it again with theMystery of M. Felix.Felix—Happy Thought. Mr.Harry Furniss'sAcademy Anticsis entertaining reading, and some of the earlier illustrations are quite Gilrayish in their breadth of style, not of subject.
Baron de Book-Worms.
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Phenomenon in Natural History(by an observant Cricketer).—Obtaining a Duck's Egg from a Bat.
Everyjackass who ever was seen in the pig-skin knows perfectly well, or ought to know, unless his brain has gone barnacle-hunting in one of Mr. J.'s journalistic bum-boats, that a race is to take place at Epsom in the early part of next month. It has been customary to speak of this race as the Derby, and to imagine that the owner whose horse wins it gains possession of the Blue ribbon of the turf. As if, forsooth, in a matter like this, the colour mattered in the very least. But I have a further objection to this hugger-mugger, three-cornered, rag-and-bone, vermilion-faced, grog-blossomed, hash-headed fashion of describing things, and it is this. If a two-year-old, provided with one of Mrs.Partington'spatent range-finding, rectangular brooms, can beat an unbroken four-year-old over the Nose-bag Handicap Course by fourteen shoe-nails in a hundred, how in the name of all that is lop-sided can a three-masted frigate in full sail keep up with a Chinese Junk on Southampton Water? I pause for a reply, but knowing the anserous, venomous imbecility of the vermin who infest the turf, I think it will be a long time before I get one.
Crimson Jackis a good horse—no thanks to the puddling and pilfering slop-shop proprietors who manage him. When he used to draw a dust-cart in Grosvenor Square he accustomed himself to the sound of the saddling bell, and now knows when luncheon time has arrived. A year ago, I wouldn't have given a copper shirt-stud for him, never having even heard of him. Now I believe him to be worth even more than the £10 given for him by the Ropes Contingent. But I have got my eye on them, and they know it. The mooncalves * * * gruel-brains * * * puddling simpletons * * * muddy and pernicious rascals * * * dolts, dumplings and dunderheads * * * poisonous, pestilential, crawling, goose-faced reptiles * * * rely on it I know. * * *
[There has been no time to send this proof for correction, and it has, therefore, been printed as it was received, gaps and all.—Ed.Punch.]
A LITTLE PARTY IN EAST AFRICA ONLY GOING TO COLLECT A FEW BUTTERFLIES AND FLOWERS FOR THE DEAR KAISER, THAT IS ALL!!A LITTLE PARTY IN EAST AFRICA ONLY GOING TO COLLECT A FEW BUTTERFLIES AND FLOWERS FOR THE DEAR KAISER, THAT IS ALL!!"We came very near to having Kilima-Njaro attached to the British Empire, only the German Emperor said he would very much like it, because he was so fond of thefloraandfaunaof the place.... Would the English have expected to get any territory on account of their great interest in thefloraandfaunahere."—Stanley speaking at Chamber of Commerce, May 21.
"We came very near to having Kilima-Njaro attached to the British Empire, only the German Emperor said he would very much like it, because he was so fond of thefloraandfaunaof the place.... Would the English have expected to get any territory on account of their great interest in thefloraandfaunahere."—Stanley speaking at Chamber of Commerce, May 21.
Monday and Tuesday.—Nothing particular, except meeting Mr.Stanley.
Wednesday.—Mr. Punchcomes out. General rejoicings.
Thursday.—Milk Adulteration Contest at Wormwood Scrubbs. Cat-shooting in Eaton Square commences. Treacle-makers' Company insist on presenting their Bicentenary Gold Medal to Mr.Stanley.
Friday.—Private Eclipse of the Sun, invisible to everybody, except Mr.Stanley.
Saturday.—Banquet of the Bargain-Drivers' Benevolent Association. Song by Mr.Stanley,Meet me by Moonlight.
Sunday.—Festival of the Five Quires for a Shilling. Everybody in "Go-to-Meeting-StanleyCostume."
Monday.—Afternoon Firework Display at the People's Palace.
Someamusement was created at the Anniversary Dinner of the United Crossing-Sweepers' Provident Association, held last night, by the Noble Chairman's reference to his early experiences on a West End crossing. What he saw then had led him to believe, he said, that the lot of one who preserves the boots of the public from mud is not all beer and skittles. He had, however, formed a very exalted idea of the dignity of the calling to which they all belonged. It is, of course, well known that the Noble Earl owed his rise from the position of broom-holder to an opportune legacy from an old lady, whom he saved, at the risk of his own life, from being ground to powder by a runaway costermonger's barrow.
A Correspondent sends us some interesting notes of meteorological observations during the past month. "I have noticed," he writes, "that under certain atmospheric conditions the streets and pavements of the Metropolis are invariably damp. This phenomenon is generally preceded by the withdrawal of the sun, followed almost immediately by a prevalence ofimber. After this has lasted for some time, it is usual for the water-carts to make their appearance."
"A Manchester Mother" makes the following pertinent observations on the fashions prevailing amongst men at the present day. "Why," she asks, "should some men prefer boots with buttons, while others like their boots laced? Why again should it be considered right for some men to wear dark blue overcoats, and for others to wear black? Finally, if a man standing six foot two in his stocking-feet is to a bank holiday as a six-inch collar is to a pork-pie, how comes it that a tartan waistcoat and a pair of green plush trousers cost five shillings and sixpence per square inch?" We confess that we are unable to find answers to these questions.
Two Policemen were yesterday observed in earnest conversation with a well-known member of the Bermondsey Bull-pup Club. Eventually the three Gentlemen departed for an adjacent police-station, their proceedings forming a subject for animated comment amongst the juvenile population of the neighbourhood.
Four receptions, six public dinners, five evening parties, and eight dances were given in different parts of London yesterday, "to meet Mr.H. M. Stanley." We are glad to know that the great explorer maintains his imperturbable good humour.
Itis computed that the number of pretty women in London this Season is just double of what it was last year.
1. Solve the short equation (α + σ + σ + α + υ +λ + τ) × 2 = 14 days.
2. Given log. ·321 and density γλυε, how much Port would you deduce from this?
3. Show under what circumstances P'liceman x2= Two-and-sixpence.
4. What is the probability of two blue eyes becoming black if A, a stranger, wins half-a-crown three times running at a baccarat-table in Tottenham Court Road? Calculate to five places of decimals the chances of A's appearance as prosecutor at Bow Street next morning.
5. Construct a set of Tables showing how the interest increases in a geometrical progression as the principal is paid off. A., a flat, goes to B., a money-lender, to raise £100. A. receives £7 10s.6d.in gold; what balance will he receive in grand old sherry and real Havana Bremerhaven cigars?
6. Show how to re-construct a series of Companies (on the square), with a million capital, within two months of formation, in such a way that the Shareholders get nothing, and still remain liable for future calls. Is the root of the above operation to be found in defective legislation?
Dear Mr. Punch,
You'llbe glad most likely to hear what's going on in the boot-blackin' world, of which I'm now a honarery member, havin' bin thirty-five years at it come next Chrismas, and now retired to Camberwell to do the rest of my life easy. Fact is, Sir, there's a many young 'uns come on, and scarcely sufficient boots for 'em to get a livin out of, more partikler with them new yaller boots, which is pison to the honest boot-black. So thinks I to myself, I've bin polishin' a long time and knows all the tricks of it, why shouldn't I lend a 'and to them as is startin'. I'll write down what I knows myself, and I'll get all the best blackers of the day to tell me what they knows about it, and then I'll set the lot together and get it printed. Fact is, I got put on the job by a feller who come to see me 'tother day—a tidy young sprig, full of all them new notions. Says 'e to me, "Bill," 'e says, "'ow do you walk?" "Why," I say, "on two legs like the rest of 'em; what do you think?" "No," 'e says, "that ain't what I mean, you Juggins" (there's a pretty word to use to one old enough to be his father); "what is the process you go through in walking?" "Well," I says, "if that's what you're up to, I mostly puts one foot in front of 'tother, and arterwards brings the back foot forrard and leaves 'tother behind." "Ah," says 'e, "that's jest where you make a bloomin' errer. Your brain sends a message through your nerves, and then you set to work, movin' the extenser mussels and the glutyus maksimus, and there you are." Well, I thought about that a lot, and on the top of it I got 'old of a book called the Art of Authorship, by MisterGeorge Bainton, who's agoin' to teach everybody 'ow to write things pretty and proper, and make no end of money out of it. Pr'aps, thinks I to myself, there's more in blackin' boots than meets the eye. I'll write about that on the same plan, gettin' all the fellers I know to 'elp me. Fust, I drew up a lot of questions, and I sent 'em round. Then when the ansers come in I got a young chap, who writes for theCamberwell Star, to polish 'em up a bit with grammar and spellin', asking 'im to do it like MisterGeorge Bainton. I've jest dropped in a word or two of my own 'ere and there, to show what I mean. So 'ere they are, Sir, and quite at your servis; and I knows if you prints 'em, there's many a boot-black unborn, as'll bless your name, not forgettin',
Yours truely,
the Author,
Bill the Bootblack.
Inputting these notes together, I have been animated solely by the desire to enable those, whom motives of self-interest, or of ambition, or the irresistible impulse of innate genius, may induce to enter upon the profession of blacking, to acquire by living examples of acknowledged ability, a true and genuine perfection in the art. For art it is. Let nobody undertake it lightly. There is no room in the busy throng of ardent blackers for the idler or the fribble. Such men may write books, they cannot black boots. Style is everything, style which colours the boots, roots itself in them, and uplifts them to the highest pinnacle of Art. (N.B.—I took this sentens nearly strait fromGeorge Bainton.—B. the B.) Therefore, my young friends, study style. Whenever you see a well-blacked boot in the street, in the counting-house, or in the sanctity of home, fix your eyes upon it. Thus you will learn, and may in time black boots as well as I do myself.
(N.B.—Georgewrites the most extronery fine English, I'm told, and o' course 'e wants the young 'uns to do the same. Same with me and the boots.—B. the B.)
My first answer is fromJames Huggins, who as is well-known, polishes the foot-coverings of the innumerable visitors who throng to the Transcontinental Hotel. He says, "you ask me how I acquired my unquestioned ability as a blacker. I answer, 'by constantly studying the best models.' When I was quite a small boy I used to polish all the boots within reach, and I well remember my father humorously remonstrating with me, when he found me blacking an old pair of worsted slippers given him by my mother. There is a method of breathing on some boots and of spitting on others, which can only be acquired by long practice. A large boot with many knobs, is best for a beginner."
Next I addressed my inquiries toGeorge Brewsher, more generally known under his nick-name ofDandy Geordie. No man has a wider reputation. His reply is instructive. "It is useless," he says, "to study models. I tried that, and the result was that I used to black all the patent leathers, and varnish the ordinary ones. So I gave up study and relied upon my own talents. At the present day, nobody in the whole world can put a truer shine on the dampest boot. I scarcely know how I do it. I only know I do it. I always keep my brushes in good order, drink a toothful of gin at bed-time, and never let a single day pass without blacking something."
My next reply was fromLemuel D. Dodge, of New York, a boot-polisher whose delicate and refined style has won him admirers in this country as well as his own. "Character," he observes, "is everything. I always analyse my blacking three times over, and then lay it on thin with a camel's hair-brush. I find this method much more satisfactory and less tiring than the rough and ungainly scrubbing so much in vogue with your English artists."
MissSally Pippin, who officiates in The Metropolitan Ladies' Boot Emporium, kindly sends me the following notes. "I have had no education at all. I find it quite useless. All you require is to make a shine. It's as easy as shelling peas. By the way, I always wear my hair brought up at the back. This hint may be useful to intending bootblacks."
(That's enough for one go, I rayther fancy. There's lots more o' the same sort all ekally valuble, but I mustn't let you have it all at once.—B. the B.)
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There'sa pleasure in Rhubarb, fresh, early and red,When it comes with the flush of the newly born year,There's a joy in the tasty Asparagus headThat is met with in soup, be it thick,—be it clear!There's delight in the oyster; a peace that ne'er failsIn the placid enjoyment the Plover's egg brings,A sense of calm peace in your nicely cooked quails,But oh! there's one dish that will crown all these things;For what, with such rapture the palate can pleaseAs the first welcome helping of Early Green Peas!You may bring me Clyde salmon, three shillings the pound,Red mullet in envelope, done to a turn,The young spring potatoe, dug fresh from the ground,The daintiest cream from a Devonshire churn:You may offer me salad that's almost divine,With a chicken so plump it should gladden the heart;You may say, "Wash that down with the best brands of wine,And follow it up with young gooseberry tart!"My reply is but this, "Ah! withhold all of these!But yield me the rapture of Early Green Peas!"
There'sa pleasure in Rhubarb, fresh, early and red,When it comes with the flush of the newly born year,There's a joy in the tasty Asparagus headThat is met with in soup, be it thick,—be it clear!There's delight in the oyster; a peace that ne'er failsIn the placid enjoyment the Plover's egg brings,A sense of calm peace in your nicely cooked quails,But oh! there's one dish that will crown all these things;For what, with such rapture the palate can pleaseAs the first welcome helping of Early Green Peas!
There'sa pleasure in Rhubarb, fresh, early and red,
When it comes with the flush of the newly born year,
There's a joy in the tasty Asparagus head
That is met with in soup, be it thick,—be it clear!
There's delight in the oyster; a peace that ne'er fails
In the placid enjoyment the Plover's egg brings,
A sense of calm peace in your nicely cooked quails,
But oh! there's one dish that will crown all these things;
For what, with such rapture the palate can please
As the first welcome helping of Early Green Peas!
You may bring me Clyde salmon, three shillings the pound,Red mullet in envelope, done to a turn,The young spring potatoe, dug fresh from the ground,The daintiest cream from a Devonshire churn:You may offer me salad that's almost divine,With a chicken so plump it should gladden the heart;You may say, "Wash that down with the best brands of wine,And follow it up with young gooseberry tart!"My reply is but this, "Ah! withhold all of these!But yield me the rapture of Early Green Peas!"
You may bring me Clyde salmon, three shillings the pound,
Red mullet in envelope, done to a turn,
The young spring potatoe, dug fresh from the ground,
The daintiest cream from a Devonshire churn:
You may offer me salad that's almost divine,
With a chicken so plump it should gladden the heart;
You may say, "Wash that down with the best brands of wine,
And follow it up with young gooseberry tart!"
My reply is but this, "Ah! withhold all of these!
But yield me the rapture of Early Green Peas!"
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THEFIVE O'CLOCK TEA BONNET COMPANY.—Under the above title a Fashionable Company has been inaugurated by several high-born, but impecunious Ladies, who, importing a model bonnet from Paris, and reproducing it in British materials, with more or less success, hope, by a judicious association of the shopkeeping instinct with therecherchégloze of the best social circles, to dispose of their stock to aclientèle, consisting of the many toadying and snobbish friends who would be caught by the idea of purchasing their bonnets at an establishment where their orders would be taken by an impoverished Lady of title, and delivered at their residences, possibly, by the daughter of a Baronet or Nobleman, in reduced circumstances. The rooms of the New Company that will be shortly opened at the West End, in the immediate vicinity of Bond Street, though supplied with a counter on which a few of the choicest exhibits of the establishment can be displayed, will be in all other respects furnished after the fashion of a Modern Upper-class May-Fair Drawing-room, to which intending Purchasers will need no voucher of admission beyond that furnished by their own visiting-card, on presentation of which they will be greeted as friends, making an afternoon call, by the Fore-lady, who may be temporarily presiding over the Show-room. Indeed, the key-note to theraison d'êtreof theFive O'Clock Tea Bonnet Companywill be found in the happy combination of High-class social intercourse, with a satisfactory adhesion to the principles of ordinary West-End shopkeeping. No special prices will be attached to the articles sold, but they may be regarded on the whole, considering the advantageous social circumstances under which they are established, as generally a little in advance of those asked at the leading Professional West-End Establishments of a similar kind. A generous margin in this direction must, therefore, be looked for in the account. Bills, if required, when contracted by well-known Leaders of Society, may stand over for years, but a very handsome interest will, of course, be expected, in the event of a long-delayed settlement.
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Punch and "Judah."—Mr. P.defers his criticism onHenry Author Jones'snew play at the Shaftesbury ... until he has gone through the formality of seeing it. From most accounts, it is evidently well worth a visit.
finger pointing
NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
This book contains a lot of dialect.