'PEACE.'"PEACE."STATUE OF THE RIGHT HON. ARTHUR GOLFOUR.(Out of the Academy.)
By sum strange cohincidence as I ain't the least abel to account for, the annual buthday of my much better half fell this year on the grate Darby Day! and so we both agreed as weed have one more jolly happy day together, ewen if so be as we never had another. So off I sets, and I takes two box seats houtside a homnibus and four spanking Bays, I think they calls 'em, coz they was such a butiful dark brown colour, and for which I paid no less than 12s.6d.a peace, and with our pockets pretty well stuffed full of sanwiches, and jest a nice little flarsk of summut nice, never mind what, off we sets for the City at nine a clock, hay hem, and at nine forty by the church clock off we starts on our perrylus journey, reddy, as the Poet says, to dash through thick and thin.
As it appened it was fortunet as we was so prepared, for, strange to say, we hadn't got so werry far from Lundon Bridge, when, by sum mistake of the Clark of the whether, as our jolly Coachman told us, it began for to rain, but he said as how as he knowd as much about the Darby wether as most men, as he'd driven there about twenty times in the larst duzzen years, and what we was a having was ony a parsing shower. How it was I coudnt quite undustand, for whether we druv fast or whether we druv slow, doose a bit coud we get away from that parsing shower. However, tho' we did both get jolly wet, we had sum capital fun, for we seed no less than too coaches and four upset in the road, and to see the poor passengers all a standing in the mud, which it was about amost up to their nees, and a wundering what time they shood get to the Darby, was more than enuff to console us, and we all larfed artily and left 'em. Such is human Natur!
Before we both got quite wet through, I got my best beloved a seat inside, and, strange to say, although she was werry much scrowged, she axshally prefurrd it to setting out in the rain along of me. It may have bin thorts of her new Bonnet. Such agane is human Natur! Luckily, jest after she left me, one of our wheels sunk down in a werry deep ole, and all on us on my side had to get down into the fearful mud, and wait till our gallant steeds pulled it out again, and, unluckily, the one as pulled hardest, let his foot slip, and sent a reglar shower of whity-brown mud all over me from top to toe, or rayther, from At to Boots, and I was in that orful state that all our set, Coachman and all, acshally roared with larfter. Such again, I fears, is human Nature!
When we got to the Darby, in course our fust thort was lunch, but afore I coud get beyond laying the cloth, there came such a reglar buster of an ail storm that we was all drove hunder the homnibus for shelter, and when it leaved off, and I went on the roof, the table cloth was about three inches thick with round ale stones! Ah, that was a difficult lunch that was, and beat all my xperience in that line.
I didn't see much of the race, I didn't, for as it pored in torrents all the time, I had to seek for a shelter, and under a omnibus is not a werry favrabel place to get a good view of a horse-race, but ewery body seemed to speak of it as a werry common one, whatever that may mean. However we was hamply reckompensed by the most wunderful site as praps was hever seen in the shape of humberellers. Heverybody had one, and heverybody put it hup, so, as my better harf poetically expressed it, it was xacly like a most butiful field of henormous mushrooms a hopening out theirselves to the morning hair!
We was remarkably fortnate in cumming back, as it didn't rain near so much as it did in the morning, and quite left off jest as we got home. My sweet darling didn't grumbel a bit at me for giving her such a reglar damper for her birthday, but the werry larst thing as she did say that night was, "Thank you, ROBERT dear, for your little holliday, but I think that we won't spend my next buthday at the Darby!"
ROBERT.
THE SERGEANT-AT-ARMS' DREAM OF THE BAR OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.THE SERGEANT-AT-ARMS' DREAM OF THE BAR OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.(If Delegates from everywhere are allowed to appear there, and air their grievances.)
["It is stated that a Syndicate of American Capitalists has been formed with the object of purchasing the remains of the Coliseum at Rome, and transporting them to Chicago."]
["It is stated that a Syndicate of American Capitalists has been formed with the object of purchasing the remains of the Coliseum at Rome, and transporting them to Chicago."]
I.Type of wolf-nurtured Rome! Rich reliquaryOf splendour (and of slaughter) left to Time,By centuries of ante-Yankee pomp!At length—at length—after so many days,Of ruined majesty, and rotting pride(Pride which Chicago will transmute to dollars),There is a chance for you, a right smart chance,Of turning to some profitable endThy size, thine age, thy grandeur, gloom, and glory!II.Vastness! and Age! and Memories of Eld!Silence! and Desolation! and dim Night!Where are ye now? POE saidhefelt your strength,But POE was but a poet. Better farBe turned to "bizness" in a dime Museum,Or trotted out, for cents, at the World's FairThan rot away beneath Rome's ruddy stars!III.Here a smart Syndicate shall set you up,Here, where we slaughter swine as Rome did slaves,(A sanguine carnival of sausage-meat),Here, where Chicago belles their braided hairPile in Greek knots,—to gaze on brawn and gristle!Here, where in gilded cars the pork-kings loll,Driven Mammon-like unto their marble homes,Lit by the wan light of the electric arc,Swift-wheeled and silent-tyred o'er wood or stone.IV.You'llpay! These walls—these ivy-clad arcades—These mouldering plinths—these sad and blackened shafts—These vague entablatures—this wreck—this ruin—Are worth the carriage o'er the Atlantic foam,And the tall price that Italy will ask,—Ifshe should cell you to Porkopolis!V."No fear!"—Bourse Echoes answer me—"nofear!"Italy is hard up, her bare ExchequerForebodes financial ruin to her realm.We many-dollared Syndicates rule all.We rule the hearts of Ministers—we ruleWith a despotic sway ambitious minds;We are omnipotent. Shall pallid stonesContend for power with us?—shall antique fame,Or mere word-wizardry of old renown,Match the gold-magic that encirclesus,"Rings," "Corners," "Syndicates"? Ridiculous!Not all the mysteries that hang uponOld Edax Rerum like a wizard's garment,May match that Master-Mage—the Almighty Dollar!!
I.
I.
Type of wolf-nurtured Rome! Rich reliquaryOf splendour (and of slaughter) left to Time,By centuries of ante-Yankee pomp!At length—at length—after so many days,Of ruined majesty, and rotting pride(Pride which Chicago will transmute to dollars),There is a chance for you, a right smart chance,Of turning to some profitable endThy size, thine age, thy grandeur, gloom, and glory!
Type of wolf-nurtured Rome! Rich reliquary
Of splendour (and of slaughter) left to Time,
By centuries of ante-Yankee pomp!
At length—at length—after so many days,
Of ruined majesty, and rotting pride
(Pride which Chicago will transmute to dollars),
There is a chance for you, a right smart chance,
Of turning to some profitable end
Thy size, thine age, thy grandeur, gloom, and glory!
II.
II.
Vastness! and Age! and Memories of Eld!Silence! and Desolation! and dim Night!Where are ye now? POE saidhefelt your strength,But POE was but a poet. Better farBe turned to "bizness" in a dime Museum,Or trotted out, for cents, at the World's FairThan rot away beneath Rome's ruddy stars!
Vastness! and Age! and Memories of Eld!
Silence! and Desolation! and dim Night!
Where are ye now? POE saidhefelt your strength,
But POE was but a poet. Better far
Be turned to "bizness" in a dime Museum,
Or trotted out, for cents, at the World's Fair
Than rot away beneath Rome's ruddy stars!
III.
III.
Here a smart Syndicate shall set you up,Here, where we slaughter swine as Rome did slaves,(A sanguine carnival of sausage-meat),Here, where Chicago belles their braided hairPile in Greek knots,—to gaze on brawn and gristle!Here, where in gilded cars the pork-kings loll,Driven Mammon-like unto their marble homes,Lit by the wan light of the electric arc,Swift-wheeled and silent-tyred o'er wood or stone.
Here a smart Syndicate shall set you up,
Here, where we slaughter swine as Rome did slaves,
(A sanguine carnival of sausage-meat),
Here, where Chicago belles their braided hair
Pile in Greek knots,—to gaze on brawn and gristle!
Here, where in gilded cars the pork-kings loll,
Driven Mammon-like unto their marble homes,
Lit by the wan light of the electric arc,
Swift-wheeled and silent-tyred o'er wood or stone.
IV.
IV.
You'llpay! These walls—these ivy-clad arcades—These mouldering plinths—these sad and blackened shafts—These vague entablatures—this wreck—this ruin—Are worth the carriage o'er the Atlantic foam,And the tall price that Italy will ask,—Ifshe should cell you to Porkopolis!
You'llpay! These walls—these ivy-clad arcades—
These mouldering plinths—these sad and blackened shafts—
These vague entablatures—this wreck—this ruin—
Are worth the carriage o'er the Atlantic foam,
And the tall price that Italy will ask,—
Ifshe should cell you to Porkopolis!
V.
V.
"No fear!"—Bourse Echoes answer me—"nofear!"Italy is hard up, her bare ExchequerForebodes financial ruin to her realm.We many-dollared Syndicates rule all.We rule the hearts of Ministers—we ruleWith a despotic sway ambitious minds;We are omnipotent. Shall pallid stonesContend for power with us?—shall antique fame,Or mere word-wizardry of old renown,Match the gold-magic that encirclesus,"Rings," "Corners," "Syndicates"? Ridiculous!Not all the mysteries that hang uponOld Edax Rerum like a wizard's garment,May match that Master-Mage—the Almighty Dollar!!
"No fear!"—Bourse Echoes answer me—"nofear!"
Italy is hard up, her bare Exchequer
Forebodes financial ruin to her realm.
We many-dollared Syndicates rule all.
We rule the hearts of Ministers—we rule
With a despotic sway ambitious minds;
We are omnipotent. Shall pallid stones
Contend for power with us?—shall antique fame,
Or mere word-wizardry of old renown,
Match the gold-magic that encirclesus,
"Rings," "Corners," "Syndicates"? Ridiculous!
Not all the mysteries that hang upon
Old Edax Rerum like a wizard's garment,
May match that Master-Mage—the Almighty Dollar!!
You may remember that last week, just before the Derby, I furnished you with a prophecy. So that there might be no doubt about it, I named the absolute First, Second, and Third. Said I (page 255), "We may take it that the winner will be found out of theCommon." But this was not enough. That all should secure One, Two, and Three, I wrote, "Well might FRANÇOIS PREMIER have observed (as I do), 'Bravo,Gouverneur!'" implying that the French horse was certain of a place. But I went further still; I gave the Third. I carefully introduced in my short article the name of every probable starter, saveMartenhurst, who consequently became "the Field." And what did I say of the Field? Why, "This year's Derby will be won by one of two. It will either fall to the Favourite or the Field." Surely this was good enough to point out No. 3? Cheques from grateful backers may be sent to 85, Fleet Street, addressed to THE ODD MAN OUT.
SAM WELLER ON "THE MELINITE DISCLOSURES."—"This here's the bold Turpin."
UNCONSCIOUS CONFESSION.UNCONSCIOUS CONFESSION.Old Bachelor(who caters for himself). "MRS. SMITH, I DIDN'T CARE FOR THAT LEG OF MUTTON I BOUGHT YESTERDAY. IT HAD A QUEER FLAVOUR!"Landlady. "OH, SIR, IT WAS A BEAUTY! AND SODELICIOUSLY TENDER!"
Old Bachelor(who caters for himself). "MRS. SMITH, I DIDN'T CARE FOR THAT LEG OF MUTTON I BOUGHT YESTERDAY. IT HAD A QUEER FLAVOUR!"
Landlady. "OH, SIR, IT WAS A BEAUTY! AND SODELICIOUSLY TENDER!"
House of Commons, Monday Night, May 25.—Members coming back in slightly increased numbers. HARCOURT returned from his wandering to and fro. AKERS-DOUGLAS back after his influenza experience; presently coming up to "tell" in a division, is welcomed by a cheer that rises as heartily from Opposition Benches as from Ministerial ranks. JACKSON also back out of the Shadowed Valley; GORST, in his place again, sprinkles fine pinches of sublimated cayenne pepper upon CRAWFORD and others who want to know about Manipur.
Mr. W.H. Smith ('Old Morality').Back View of a Ruthless Tyrant.
But though various benches filled up with familiar figures, Members look round in vain for one; finding it not, will not be comforted. Where is OLD MORALITY? Last time he was seen was on the Thursday preceding the holidays. He had come back newly elected for the Strand; took part in business of sitting; just before dinner Members had watched his lithe figure disappearing towards the doorway, and he had been seen no more. House had met again on the following night; had adjourned for the truncated holiday; had met again; and still OLD MORALITY's seat was vacant, and there dwelt in the fond memory only that parting back view.
JOKIM occupying, but not filling, OLD MORALITY's seat, wanted to talk about various things; but ever the conversation came back to the theme that filled all thoughts. HARCOURT wanted to know about fixing the day for debate on Manipur; HENRY FOWLER hankered after an understanding about the Factory and Workshops Bill. Everybody but JEMMY LOWTHER wanted to know about the Education Bill; TIM HEALY was curious to learn what course would be taken with respect to DE COBAIN. The answer was ever the same. "TheHouse," said JOKIM, nervously rubbing his hands, "must await the return of my Right Hon. friend, which we expect will be celebrated on Wednesday."
"Well," said HARCOURT, in one of his stage asides, "this is a revelation indeed. Always thought OLD MORALITY was an easy-going gentleman, deferential in manner, unassertive in action. It seems he's a regular tyrant, a sort of unapproachable Padishah. In his bosom are looked all the secrets of State, all the purposes of the Ministry. He takes no one into his confidence, but broods over the destinies of the Empire in the haughty solitude of the watch-tower at Walmer. When he goes away for short holiday, public business entirely dislocated. No one can say or do anything except hoarsely whisper his name. JOKIM lives in a state of terror, and even the martial spirit of GEORGE HAMILTON cowers in recollecting his presence. Only shows how prone humanity is to error. We and the Public generally have created for ourselves an OLD MORALITY, a genial, beaming, modest, unobtrusive personality, always ready to oblige, desirous of meeting the views of Members in all parts of the House, anxious only to do his duty to his QUEEN and Country. Whereas it is clear he is a martinet of the severest type, a ruthless tyrant, a man who rules with a rod of iron, and keeps his followers in a condition of abject personal terror."
Business done.—Vote on Account taken. Incidentally, OLD MORALITY's character brought out in its true light.
Tuesday.—AMURATH to AMURATH succeeds. We had a Lord ELCHO, and, thank Heaven! we have one still—not exactly the same, but curiously reminiscent in voice and gesture. This succession of son to sire is one of the happiest arrangements of the British Constitution, one most promising for its maintenance and prosperity. If the House of Lords, peremptorily and selfishly, appropriated our ELCHOS and our GATHORNE HARDYS, turning them into Earl of WEMYSS, and Viscount CRANBROOK, leaving us no substitute or compensation, that long-threatened institution would be finally doomed. But, by beneficent arrangement, when ELCHO and GATHORNE HARDY fared forth, the one to become Earl of WEMYSS, and the other Lord CRANBROOK, behold! there step into their places other, and younger men, bearing the old name.
After the Adjournment.After the Adjournment.
Thus is the wind tempered to the shorn lamb. The system works beneficently in two ways. Like the quality of mercy, it is not strained. It blesseth him that gives, and him that takes. The House of Lords is strengthened by the new recruits, and we still have our ELCHO to make jokes, and our HARDY to preach sermons.
Listening to ELCHO, jauntily moving adjournment over Derby Day, I say all this to the SAGE of QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, who shortly replies, "Fudge!" Remark does not seem consequential; not at all sure that it is Parliamentary.
Long debate on Budget Bill; HARCOURT discourses at large on JOKIM's finance. JOKIM sits listening with amused air. Life is on the whole to him a serious thing. But there is one episode that suffuses it with a gleam of humour; that is to hear HARCOURT talking Finance. "One of the very few things," JOKIM says, "of which he knows absolutely nothing." Now J.A. PICTON, on the contrary, thinks a good deal of HARCOURT's aptitude for finance, and when JOKIM had girded at him for the space of half an hour, the SQUIRE OF MILWOOD had the satisfaction of hearing JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON publicly describe his criticism as "a most formidable attack on the financial scheme of the Chancellor of the Exchequer."
Business done.—House agrees to make holiday on the Derby Day.
Thursday.—OLD MORALITY back to-night; everyone glad to see him; with trumpets also and shawms would we have greeted him, but SPEAKER ruled proposed demonstration out of order; so only cheered. With exception of slight Italian accent (particularly noticeable in his pronunciation of the word "Newfoundland") he's just the same. Before sitting far advanced, wished he had lingered for another twenty-four hours on the waters of the tideless sea.
Newfoundland Fishery Question on; the delegates to be heard at Bar. Members, eager as school-boys for new sensation, crowded the Benches, in expectation of half an hour's amusement. OLD MORALITY, fresh from Cabinet Council, knew that hope would be disappointed. Government had decided to accept compromise proffered by Newfoundland Legislature; consequently Sir WILLIAM VALLANCE WHITEWAY, K.C.M.G., would not appear at the Bar.
It is Old MORALITY's little way to put on appearance, in whatever startling development of affairs, as if what was happening was exactly what had been expected. To-night, at end of questions, he quite casually mentions settlement arrived at, and proposes that without debate Second Reading of Newfoundland Fisheries Bill shall be taken. "A mere form, you know," he said, nodding in friendly fashion across the table at HARCOURT. "Everything is amicably settled; we certainly won't mention Bill again for three weeks, and then only to withdraw it. Let us read it now a second time just for the fun of the thing."
Mr. Akers-Douglas.Gone Over to the Majority.
Crowded House sat for a moment in gloomy disappointment, irresponsive to the cheerful presence of Old MORALITY, who succeeded in looking as if he had said something which, though of no serious importance, was calculated to be generally acceptable. Actual position was something akin to what used to happen in St. James's Hall when Manager came forward to announce that, owing to sudden cold, Mr. SIMS REEVES would not be able to sing. Members glared round as if they were going to ask for their money back; increasingly aggravating to have OLD MORALITY still nodding and smiling on Treasury Bench. If he thought they were going to be put off in that way, should learn he was mistaken; so Debate raged over three hours, at end of which, OLD MORALITY, swearing he would ne'er consent to adjournment of Debate, consented.
Just now, AKERS-DOUGLAS moved Writ for New Election in the City, and for the moment Members turned from Newfoundland to think kindly of genial, hearty, honest "YAH! YAH!" gone over to the majority.
Business done.—Newfoundland Fisheries Bill shelved.
Friday.—JOKIM had another tumble. Came down with light heart at Morning Sitting, proposing to run Budget Bill through Committee. HENRY FOWLER, certainly not an obstructive party, objected, on constitutional ground, that CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER was asking House to propose taxation for purposes not yet defined, "Give us your Education Bill first," said FOWLER, "and then we'll vote the Budget that provides ways and means. No Education Bill, no Budget."
Argument irresistible. JOKIM meekly withdrew, and House took up other business.
This continuous blundering not cheerful for Ministers; wonderful how AKERS-DOUGLAS bears up; more than usually beaming to-night. Don't understand tillGazettecomes out, when, looking down Birthday List, find they've made him a Privy Councillor.
"My Right Hon. friend, if I may call him so," says the MEMBER for SARK, "richly deserves the honour. I've known a good many Whips in my time, but I never came across one who did equally effective work with less friction, than does the Right Hon. ARETAS AKERS-DOUGLAS."
A.A. DOUGLAS is of course a mistake; his real initials are A1 DOUGLAS.
Business done.—In Committee of Supply.
MY DEAR BARON,—Let me recommend to your favourable notice, and to that of your readers, "Stories told at Twilight," by Mrs. CHANDLER MOULTON, the American poetess, who has demonstrated how deftly she can touch the lyre, and shows what a clever storyteller she can be. These are not ghost-stories as one might imagine, but tales for children, told with so much grace and feeling that they will also secure a large audience among children of a larger growth.
Also look atOld Time Punishments, by Mr. WILLIAM ANDREWS, who gives an exhaustive account of ancient punishments, copiously illustrated, and so graphically described, that he makes us congratulate ourselves in not having flourished in the olden times, or we might have become practical illustrations of the discipline of our forefathers. How are you getting along with GEORGE MEREDITH'sOne of Our Conquerors?
Yours,
HEAD CLERK IN THE BOOKING-OFFICE.
Reply from Baron de B.-W.—Mislaid "The GEO. M.'s" first volume ofOne of Our Conquerorsjust when I had reached the middle of it, and the story was beginning. Most unfortunate. Must advertise for it.
BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.