General FRASER—not aphraserclearly—Military grumbling vents sincerely;House won't listen, and the cruelTimesSummarised his tale of woes and crimes,As—great CÆSAR!—"a few observations."TANNER, always great on such occasions,Intimates that it is his impressionSoldiers are "succeeding in succession"In the interest of more Expense.Well, "economists" make stir immense,But in spite of most Draconic manner,Hardly ever seem tosave—a "tanner."So that one is prone to think indeed,In succession they donot—"succeed!"
General FRASER—not aphraserclearly—Military grumbling vents sincerely;House won't listen, and the cruelTimesSummarised his tale of woes and crimes,As—great CÆSAR!—"a few observations."TANNER, always great on such occasions,Intimates that it is his impressionSoldiers are "succeeding in succession"In the interest of more Expense.Well, "economists" make stir immense,But in spite of most Draconic manner,Hardly ever seem tosave—a "tanner."So that one is prone to think indeed,In succession they donot—"succeed!"
General FRASER—not aphraserclearly—
Military grumbling vents sincerely;
House won't listen, and the cruelTimes
Summarised his tale of woes and crimes,
As—great CÆSAR!—"a few observations."
TANNER, always great on such occasions,
Intimates that it is his impression
Soldiers are "succeeding in succession"
In the interest of more Expense.
Well, "economists" make stir immense,
But in spite of most Draconic manner,
Hardly ever seem tosave—a "tanner."
So that one is prone to think indeed,
In succession they donot—"succeed!"
"A LEGGE UP."—The new Bishop of LICHFIELD.
'THE DILEMMA.'"THE DILEMMA."(NEW ADAPTATION OF AN OLD IRISH STORY.)H-RC-RT. "HILLO, JOE! I'VE GOT HIM!"CH-MB-RL-N. "ALL RIGHT; BRING HIM ALONG THEN!"H-RC-RT. "BUT HEWON'T COME!"CH-MB-RL-N. "THEN LEAVE HIM, AND COME AWAY!"H-RC-RT. "BUTHE WON'T LET ME!!!"
H-RC-RT. "HILLO, JOE! I'VE GOT HIM!"
CH-MB-RL-N. "ALL RIGHT; BRING HIM ALONG THEN!"
H-RC-RT. "BUT HEWON'T COME!"
CH-MB-RL-N. "THEN LEAVE HIM, AND COME AWAY!"
H-RC-RT. "BUTHE WON'T LET ME!!!"
SCENE—The Grounds of a certain Exhibition. On this particular evening, there has been a slight hitch in the culinary arrangements, and the relations between the Chef and the Waiters are apparently strained. Enter an Egotistic Amphitryon, followed by a meek and youthful Guest.
The Egotistic Amphitryon(concluding an harangue). Well, allI've got to say is I've been here half-an-hour—(with a bitter sense of the anomaly of the situation)—waiting about forYou!!(They seat themselves at one of the little tables under the verandah.) Oh, you're going to sitthatside, are you? It's all the same to me, except that there's a confounded draught here which—well, you're young, and these things don't affect you—or oughtn't to. (They exchange sides.) We shall have to hurry our dinner now, if we mean to hear anything of the music. That was the reason I expressly told you seven sharp. Here, Waiter! (Waiterpresents a carte, and stands by with a proud humility.) Now, what are you going to have? (ToGuest.) You don't mind? I hate to hear a man say he doesn't care what he eats—heoughtto care, hemustcare. What do you say to this—"Potage Bisque d'écrivisses; Saumon Sauce Hollandaise; Brimborions de veau farcis à l'imprévu; Ducklings and green peas; New Potatoes; Salad"? Simple and, ah, satisfying. (ToWaiter.) Let us have that as sharp as you can; do you hear?
Waiter and Diner
Waiter. Quick? Yes, I dell zem. [He hurries off.
The E.A.Hang the fellow, he's forgotten the wine! (ToGuest.) What will you drink?
The Guest(thinks it will look greedy if he suggests champagne). Oh—er—whateveryou'regoing to drink.
The E.A.Well, I'm going to have a glass of champagne myself. I want it after all this worry. But if you prefer beer (considerately), say so. (TheGuest,in a spirit of propitiation, prefers beer.) Well, we could have managed a bottle of Pommery between us, and it's never so good to my mind in the pints—but please yourself, of course.
[TheGuestfeels that his moderation has missed fire, but dares not retract; they sit in silence for some time, without anything of importance happening, except that a strange Waiter swoops down and carries away their bread-basket.
A Meek Man(at an adjoining table, who, probably for family reasons, is entertaining his Sister-in-law, a lady with an aquiline nose and remarkably thick eyebrows.) You know, HORATIA, I call this sort of thing very jolly, having dinner like this in the fresh air, eh? [He rubs his hands under the table.
Horatia(acidly). It may be so, AUGUSTUS, when wedohave it. At present we have been sitting here fifteen minutes, and had nothing but fresh air and small flies, and, as I don't pretend to be a Chameleon myself, why— [She fans herself vigorously.
Augustus. Well, you know, my dear, we were warned that the trouten papillotesmight take some little time. I suppose (with mild Jocularity)—it's a fashionable fish—wants to come in with a "little head sunning over with curls," as the poet says.
Horatia. Please don't make jokes of that sort—unless you wish to destroy the little appetite I have left!
Augustus(penitently). Never mind—I won't do it again. Here 's our Waiter at last.Nowwe're all right!
[TheWaiterputs a dish down upon another table, and advances with the air of a family friend who brings bad tidings.
Horatia. Will you kindly let us have that trout at once?
The Waiter(bending down toAUGUSTUSwith pity and sympathy). Fery sôry to dell you, esbecially after keebin you so long vaiting, bot (thinks how he can break it most gently) ve haf zo many beople hier to-day, and zey haf shust dold me in ze gitchen zere is no more drout. Zis hote vedder ze drout, he vill nod stay!
Augustus(mildly). No, of course not—well, let me see, now, what can you—?
The E.A.Here, you Kellner, come here, can't you? What the—
Waiter(toAUGUSTUS). Von minute. I gom back bresently. (ToE.A.) You vant your pill, Sir, yes?
The E.A.(exploding). My bill! Confound it! I want something to eat first. When is that Bisque coming?
Waiter. Ach, peg your bardon, ve haf peen so pusy all day. Your Bisque vill pe retty diregly. I go to vetch him. [He goes.
Horatia. Now we're farther off from getting any food than ever! I suppose you mean to dosomething, AUGUSTUS?
Augustus. Of course—certainly. I shall speak very strongly. (Bleating.) Waiter!
Horatia(with scorn).Doyou imagine they will pay the least attention to a noise like a sixpenny toy? Lot them see youinsistupon being obeyed.
Augustus. I am—I mean, I will—I am very much annoyed. (Fiercely.) Wa-ai-ter!
A Stern Waiter(appearing suddenly.) You vant somsing, Sir?
Augustus(apologetically). Yes; we should—er—like something to eat—anything—so long as you can bring it at once, if you don't mind. "We—this Lady is rather in a hurry, and we've waited some little time already, you see.
The Waiter. Peg your bardon, zis is nod my daple. I send your Vaiter. [He vanishes.
The E.A. Scandalous! over twenty minutes we've been here! Ha! at last! (AWaiterappears with a tureen, which he uncovers.) Here, what do you callthis?
Waiter. Groûte au Bot—you order him, yes? No? I dake him away!
[He whisks it away, to the chagrin ofGuest,who thought it smelt nice.
The E.A. I ordered Bisque—where is it? and I want some wine, too—a pint of Pommery '84, and a small lager. If they're not here very soon, I'll—
The Guest(trying to make the best of things). Nothing for it but patience, I suppose.
The E.A.(with intention). I had very little ofthatleft before I sat down, I can tell you!
A Sarcastic and Solitary Diner.Waiter, could you spare me one moment of your valuable time? (TheWaiterhalts irresolutely.) It is so long since I had the pleasure of speaking to you, that you may possibly have forgotten that about three-quarters of an hour ago I ventured to express a preference for an Entrecôte aux pommes de terre with a half-bottle of Beaune. Could you give me any idea how much longer those rare dainties may take in preparing, and in the meantime enable me to support the pangs of starvation by procuring me the favour of a penny roll, if I am not trespassing too much upon your good-nature?
[TheWaiter,in a state of extreme mystification and alarm, departs to inform theManager.
The E.A.'s Waiter(reappearing with a small plated bowl, champagne bottle and glass of lager.) I regred fery moch to haf to dell you zat zere is only shust enough Bisque for von berson. [He bows with well-bred concern.
The E.A. Confound it all! (ToGuest.) Here,you'dbetter take this, now it's here. Afraid of it, eh? Well, Bisqueisapt to disagree with some people. (ToWaiter.) Give it to me, and bring this gentleman some gravy soup, or whatever else you have ready. (He busies himself with his Bisque, while theGuest,in pure absence of mind, drinks the champagne with which theWaiterhas filled his glass.) Here, what are you doing?Ididn't order lager. (Perceives the mistake.) Oh, you've changed your mind, have you? (ToGuest.) All right, of course, only it's a pity you couldn't say so at once. (ToW.) Another pint of Pommery, and take this lager stuff away. (ExitW.;the unfortunateGuest,in attempting to pass the bottle, contrives to decant it into his host's soup.) Hullo, what the—there—(controlling himself). You might have left me thesoup, at all events! Well—well—it's no use saying any more about it. I suppose I shall get something to eat some day.
[General tumult from several tables; appeals to theWaiters,who lose their heads and upbraid one another in their own tongue; HORATIAthreatens bitterly to go in search of buns and lemonade at a Refreshment Bar. Sudden and timely appearance of energetic Manager; explanations, apologies, promises. Magic and instantaneous production of everybody's dinner. Appetite and anger appeased, as Scene closes in.
N.B.—Mr. Punchwishes it to be understood that the above sketch is not intended as a reflection upon any of the deservedly popular restaurants existing at present in either exhibition.
LEGAL AND MILITARY.—"Ancient Lights."—Retired Lancers.
PARLIAMENTARY NIGHT-BIRDS.PARLIAMENTARY NIGHT-BIRDS.
(A Growl from a "Quiet Street.")
["There is a disposition just now to revive discussion upon a very old subject, namely the curative influence of Music in cases of mental and bodily disease."—Daily Telegraph.]
["There is a disposition just now to revive discussion upon a very old subject, namely the curative influence of Music in cases of mental and bodily disease."—Daily Telegraph.]
Curative Music? Just as well expectAn Influenza-cure from Demogorgon!Some dolts there be, no doubt, who would detectAnodyne influence in a barrel-organ;A febrifuge in a flat German Band,A prophylactic in a street-piano!Some quackery a mancanunderstand,But Music I'llnottake, evencum grano.I don't believe what classic noodles say,That Music stopped the hæmorrhage of ULYSSES;That CATO'S stiffened joints attained free playFrom harmony of sounds. Such "rot" sense hisses.I'd just as soon believe the Theban wallsWere twangled into place by young Amphion.Bah! Minds made sane by Music's scrapes and squalls?Notmine, though the lyre-thrumber were Arion.Drums, trumpets, fiddles, organs—allare bad.And vocal fireworks are far worse than vanity.Stop, though!I'm sane, and they just drive me mad;So Musicmaydriveidiotsinto sanity!
Curative Music? Just as well expectAn Influenza-cure from Demogorgon!Some dolts there be, no doubt, who would detectAnodyne influence in a barrel-organ;A febrifuge in a flat German Band,A prophylactic in a street-piano!Some quackery a mancanunderstand,But Music I'llnottake, evencum grano.I don't believe what classic noodles say,That Music stopped the hæmorrhage of ULYSSES;That CATO'S stiffened joints attained free playFrom harmony of sounds. Such "rot" sense hisses.I'd just as soon believe the Theban wallsWere twangled into place by young Amphion.Bah! Minds made sane by Music's scrapes and squalls?Notmine, though the lyre-thrumber were Arion.Drums, trumpets, fiddles, organs—allare bad.And vocal fireworks are far worse than vanity.Stop, though!I'm sane, and they just drive me mad;So Musicmaydriveidiotsinto sanity!
Curative Music? Just as well expect
An Influenza-cure from Demogorgon!
Some dolts there be, no doubt, who would detect
Anodyne influence in a barrel-organ;
A febrifuge in a flat German Band,
A prophylactic in a street-piano!
Some quackery a mancanunderstand,
But Music I'llnottake, evencum grano.
I don't believe what classic noodles say,
That Music stopped the hæmorrhage of ULYSSES;
That CATO'S stiffened joints attained free play
From harmony of sounds. Such "rot" sense hisses.
I'd just as soon believe the Theban walls
Were twangled into place by young Amphion.
Bah! Minds made sane by Music's scrapes and squalls?
Notmine, though the lyre-thrumber were Arion.
Drums, trumpets, fiddles, organs—allare bad.
And vocal fireworks are far worse than vanity.
Stop, though!I'm sane, and they just drive me mad;
So Musicmaydriveidiotsinto sanity!
AT A SMOKING CONCERT.AT A SMOKING CONCERT.Distinguished Amateur(with good Method but small Voice, suddenly jumping up from Piano). "LOOK HERE, ALGY. I DO CALL IT BEASTLY BAD FORM FOR YOU AND SIKES TO TALK WHEN I'M SINGING!"Algy. "ALL RIGHT, OLD MAN—AWFULLY SORRY—DIDN'T KNOW YOUWERESINGING, YOU KNOW!"
Distinguished Amateur(with good Method but small Voice, suddenly jumping up from Piano). "LOOK HERE, ALGY. I DO CALL IT BEASTLY BAD FORM FOR YOU AND SIKES TO TALK WHEN I'M SINGING!"
Algy. "ALL RIGHT, OLD MAN—AWFULLY SORRY—DIDN'T KNOW YOUWERESINGING, YOU KNOW!"
House of Commons, Tuesday, June 23, 12'15 A.M.—House just adjourned; a little dazed by shock of narrow escape from grievous danger. Been at it through greater part of night debating Second Reading of Education Bill. JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON led off with speech of fiery eloquence. The SQUIRE of MALWOOD declares he never listens to J.A.P. without an odd feeling that there have been misfits. Both his voice and his gestures are, he says, too large for him. But that, as ALGERNON BORTHWICK shrewdly points out, is professional jealousy supervening on the arrogance of excessive stature. The SQUIRE, though not lacking in moods of generosity, cannot abear a rival in the oratorical field. Had things turned out differently to-night, he might have enjoyed the advantage of addressing House at this favourable hour, whilst its withers were yet unwrung.
Sir Algernon.Sir Algernon.
But JULIUS 'ANNIBAL has not studied his great ancestor's strategy for nothing. As soon as Second Reading of Education Bill appeared on the paper, he romped in, and put down Amendment. Needn't move it; didn't mean to move it; doesn't move it; but he gets first place in principal Debate of Session, and shows himself worthy of it by the luminous argument and almost passionate eloquence of his oration.
It wasn't that the House was disturbed about. The particular incident arose a quarter of an hour before midnight, when CRANBORNE suddenly got up and moved Adjournment of Debate. J.A. had bowled him and others over in the earlier part of the Sitting; but there was a second night, and the HOPE of HATFIELD determined he would collar that. Had the Motion for Adjournment been accepted, he would, in accordance with usage, have opened the ball when the House met again once more, fresh, and in the mood to listen. But JOKIM objected to losing the quarter of an hour.
"We can," he said, pleasantly, "bear another speech."
All right; CRANBORNE only a private Member, and modest withal; not the person to argue with his pastors and masters. So resumed his seat. If they wanted to use up the time, let some one else speak through the quarter of an hour. Had things been so left, the listening Senate and the waiting world would never have heard CRANBORNE in this Debate. As the SPEAKER gently pointed out to him, having moved the Amendment he had exhausted his privilege of speaking. He might sustain his thesis at any length, or, being on his legs, might continue the Debate without insisting on his Motion for the Adjournment. But he must speak now, or for ever hold his tongue as far as the Debate was concerned. This was awkward; but no help for it; so CRANBORNE plunged in and talked up to midnight, when the Debate stood adjourned.
Business done.—Second Reading of Education Bill moved.
Tuesday.—Another night with Education Bill. Position rather peculiar; everyone, or nearly everyone, in state of frantic adulation of the measure; and yet everyone passing the cradle in which the infant slumbers gives it a sly pinch. Here and there a Ministerialist gets up and honestly denounces a Bill embodying principle which Conservatives been led for generations to denounce. BARTLEY last night made capital speech in this sense. To-night LAWRENCE bluntly declares his regret that good Tories should be asked to support principles which they, under their present Leaders, violently opposed at General Election of 1885. ADDISON blandly and persuasively attempts to stem this growing torrent of discontent. "The change of opinion on this side of the House," he said, hitching on one side an imaginary wig, clutching at an imperceptible gown, and turning over the pages of an impalpable brief, "is owing to the fact that circumstances and times have altered. It is the duty of statesmen,"—and here ADDISON, like another Fat Boy known to history, wisibly swelled,—"to adapt themselves to the necessities of the case."
JENNINGS, speaking from the Bench immediately behind ADDISON, had no patience with this kind of argument. "Six years I've sat in this House, Mr. SPEAKER," he said, "and during that time have seen measures which we Conservatives have been encouraged, almost instructed, to denounce, cordially received by our Leaders and passed into law. For my part, I cannot flourish on this diet of broken pledges. One might eat of it now and then, but when continually invited to the same dish, it becomes a little monotonous."
OLD MORALITY happily out of the way of hearing all this. Gone off, and wisely left no address. People walking along Downing Street, find written over the door at the Treasury, "Back in Ten Minutes." That's all; neither date nor hour specified. Ten minutes roll on, and OLD MORALITY comes not. But he sometimes communicates with his most intimate friends. Have this morning a note from him.
"I send these few lines," he writes, "hoping they will find you well as they leave me at present. Talking about lines, mine have fallen in pleasanter places than yours, or JOKIM'S chance to be just now. Some people are inclined to deny me the faculty of humour. But I think the merry-go-rounder of leaving JOKIM in charge of the Free Education Bill is pretty well for a beginner. Everything must have a commencement. Now I've started I may in time become a regular JOSEPH MILLER. Excuse my not mentioning my present address, and be sure that wherever I am, I am animated solely by desire to do my duty to Queen and Country, and to meet the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in whatever part of the House they may sit. If you want to write to me, address 'Mr. SMITH, England.' I have reason to believe that so perfect is the machinery of the Post Office under the direction of my Right Hon. friend, that the missive thus directed will not fail to reach its destination."
Business done.—On Second Reading of Education Bill.
Thursday.—An old acquaintance looked in at Lobby to-night. When he was here, we used to call him LONG LAWRENCE. Now he is one of Her MAJESTY'S Judges, and we must behave to him as such.
"How're you getting on here, TOBY?" he said, just as friendly as if he were still at the Bar.
"As your Ludship pleases," I replied, too old a Parliamentary Hand to be inveigled into familiarity by his unassuming manner.
Fact is, as, on his further entreaty, I proceeded to explain to the learned Judge, we are getting on very well indeed. Truce been called in party conflict, and is strictly observed. Mr. G. is absent on sick leave—not keeping out of the way of Education Bill, as some will have it. OLD MORALITY back to-night; came down in a penny 'bus, in final effort to elude discovery of his place of recent retreat. PARNELL also absent; news comes to-night that his business is matrimonial; graphic accounts current of his expedition "in a one-horse vehicle" from Brighton to Steyning.
"If," says his Ludship, fresh from a Criminal Court, "he had been committing, a burglary, and was getting off with the loot in the one-horse O'Shay, he could not have taken fuller precautions to evade pursuit."
Long Lawrence.Long Lawrence.
At first some doubt as to truth of story. Been rumoured often before. Then comes, in special edition of evening paper, the detail: "The ceremony being concluded, Mr. and Mrs. PARNELL drove away in the direction of Bramber, Mrs. PARNELL taking the whip and reins."
"Ah!" said DICK POWER, "that's KITTY, and no mistake. She always takes the whip and reins. Bet you three to one the trick's done."
SQUIRE of MALWOOD faithful at his post, but he, too, observant of the Truce. Everyone tired to death of dullest Session ever lived through, and chiefly anxious to bring it to an end.
Business done.—In Committee of Supply.
Friday.—In Lords to-night, Irish Land Purchase Bill read Second Time, after series of essays delivered by half dozen Peers. Point of honour not to take less than one hour in delivery. DERBY brought down his contribution nicely written out on quarter sheets. Whilst ASHBOURNE declaiming, DERBY seized opportunity to read his speech over to himself. This all very well if he had strictly carried out intention, but, when he grew so interested in it as to mumble passages in an audible voice, situation grew embarrassing. At last KIMBERLEY, who sat near, gently nudged him. "One at a time, my dear DERBY," he whispered. "We know you're accustomed to dual action. DARBY and JOAN, you know; but won't do here."
DERBY blushed, and thrust manuscript in pocket till his turn came, when he had the pleasure of reading it aloud.
Business done.—Irish Land Bill through Lords; Public Health Bill in Commons.
Tree in Hamlet.Tree inHamlet.
Now why wasThe Dancing Girlever calledThe Dancing Girlat all? As a matter of fact she never did dance, and from last week's advertisements we find that she has been "running" ever since her first appearance. Now she's off for another run in the provinces, and then back again. Quite a theatrical illustration of the sporting term "running in and out." And when Mr. BEERBOHM TREE is in the provinces he is to appear as thePrince of Denmark.
(Arranged in Question and Answer Form.)
Question. I may take it that the backbone of the British Army (especially in the time of peace) are those commissioned warriors who obtained admission to the Service by paying for their footing?
Answer. Indeed you may.
Q.And, at the time when these warriors were admitted, I fancy the scientific branches of the Force (the "Gunners" and the "Sappers") were rather looked down upon than otherwise?
A.Certainly, for you see they obtained their Commissions by brains, and not through money-bags.
Q.And now you have to complain that the Generals' Establishment has been reduced from 275 to 68?
A.A scandal and a shame! For this means that only a certain number of us can hope to wear sashes round the waist, instead of hanging down from the left shoulder.
Q.Does not promotion by selection, instead of seniority, cause you also considerable loss?
A.Unquestionably. The Purchase Officer had a right to suppose that once gazetted he would go up to the top of the tree, always supposing he was able to pay his way like an officer and a gentleman.
Q.Is it not also sad that Officers who accept half-pay should be called upon to serve in the Auxiliary Forces?
A.Not only sad, but confoundedly undignified.
Q.And do you not object to your condition generally?
A.Yes, certainly. And let me tell you the subject istheburning one of the hour!
Q.And what do you think of other matters affecting the welfare of the Army?
A. That they are merely details that can safely wait indefinitely the consideration of the Authorities!
To ask The RANGER and the Right Honourable Mr. PLUNKET, or "Plunketto," as the name appears in the opera ofMarta—
Whetherthere cannot be some improvement made in that Despondent Slough known as Rotten Row?
WhetherKensington Gardens, now sacred to nursery-maids and their charges, and a few loungers, couldn't be opened up with one or two good rides right across, and a few intersecting bridle-paths, after the fashion of the Bois de Boulogne, and thus relieve the monotony of the Row, which is getting more and more Rotten after every shower, and more and more crowded every summer?
Whether, as every equestrian is rightly complaining, something cannot be done in time for the season of 1892?
pointer
NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.