'ARRY ON 'ORSEBACK.'ARRY ON 'ORSEBACK.'Arry(in extremities). "Well, gi'mea 'Bike'!"
'Arry(in extremities). "Well, gi'mea 'Bike'!"
[The Table of Contents of theYellow Bookhas two sub-titles, "Literature" and "Art."]
No possibility of doubtCan stop us now in finding outWhat "literature" should be;No longer dazed by rival claims,We read a row of deathless names,Not yet renowned, but would-be.Not "letterpress," or other wordAs modest, that would be absurd,Contemptuous and slighting;But "literature," which for long,It may be right, it may be wrong,Has meant the best of writing.Those duller minds which once essayedTo ply the literary trade,PoorShakspeare,Dante,Homer,Did not describe their feebler workAs "literature."Gibbon,BurkeAvoided this misnomer.The art of writing now we learn.ShouldPoeorWycherlyreturnThey would not be neglected.The corpses, tombs and worms of one,The other's plain, outspoken fun,Would never be rejected.But anyone may marvel whySane persons read, and even buy,A page, a word, a letterOf this new school, yet hardly knowThe works ofWycherlyorPoe,So infinitely better.Still literature is but a part;These pages also teach us "art,"SurpassingTintoretto.Allegro, not inMilton'sway,But, with the modern meaning, "gay";Not too gay,allegretto.'LITERATURE AND ART.'Velasquez, you were but an ass,LikeRembrandt,Titian, alas!All despicable duffers.AndRomney,Reynolds(poor old fool!)AndGainsborough, a simple schoolOf blundering old buffers.At last we know what art should be.A subject which we cannot see,In spite of all our trying;The portraits not like anyone,The landscapes, though not "well begun,""Half done" there's no denying.AndBeardsleyshows us now the nude;It would not shock the primmest prude,Or rouse the legislature.An unclothed woman, ten feet high,Could not make anyone feel shy;She's "art," she is not nature.
No possibility of doubtCan stop us now in finding outWhat "literature" should be;No longer dazed by rival claims,We read a row of deathless names,Not yet renowned, but would-be.
No possibility of doubt
Can stop us now in finding out
What "literature" should be;
No longer dazed by rival claims,
We read a row of deathless names,
Not yet renowned, but would-be.
Not "letterpress," or other wordAs modest, that would be absurd,Contemptuous and slighting;But "literature," which for long,It may be right, it may be wrong,Has meant the best of writing.
Not "letterpress," or other word
As modest, that would be absurd,
Contemptuous and slighting;
But "literature," which for long,
It may be right, it may be wrong,
Has meant the best of writing.
Those duller minds which once essayedTo ply the literary trade,PoorShakspeare,Dante,Homer,Did not describe their feebler workAs "literature."Gibbon,BurkeAvoided this misnomer.
Those duller minds which once essayed
To ply the literary trade,
PoorShakspeare,Dante,Homer,
Did not describe their feebler work
As "literature."Gibbon,Burke
Avoided this misnomer.
The art of writing now we learn.ShouldPoeorWycherlyreturnThey would not be neglected.The corpses, tombs and worms of one,The other's plain, outspoken fun,Would never be rejected.
The art of writing now we learn.
ShouldPoeorWycherlyreturn
They would not be neglected.
The corpses, tombs and worms of one,
The other's plain, outspoken fun,
Would never be rejected.
But anyone may marvel whySane persons read, and even buy,A page, a word, a letterOf this new school, yet hardly knowThe works ofWycherlyorPoe,So infinitely better.
But anyone may marvel why
Sane persons read, and even buy,
A page, a word, a letter
Of this new school, yet hardly know
The works ofWycherlyorPoe,
So infinitely better.
Still literature is but a part;These pages also teach us "art,"SurpassingTintoretto.Allegro, not inMilton'sway,But, with the modern meaning, "gay";Not too gay,allegretto.
Still literature is but a part;
These pages also teach us "art,"
SurpassingTintoretto.
Allegro, not inMilton'sway,
But, with the modern meaning, "gay";
Not too gay,allegretto.
'LITERATURE AND ART.'
Velasquez, you were but an ass,LikeRembrandt,Titian, alas!All despicable duffers.AndRomney,Reynolds(poor old fool!)AndGainsborough, a simple schoolOf blundering old buffers.
Velasquez, you were but an ass,
LikeRembrandt,Titian, alas!
All despicable duffers.
AndRomney,Reynolds(poor old fool!)
AndGainsborough, a simple school
Of blundering old buffers.
At last we know what art should be.A subject which we cannot see,In spite of all our trying;The portraits not like anyone,The landscapes, though not "well begun,""Half done" there's no denying.
At last we know what art should be.
A subject which we cannot see,
In spite of all our trying;
The portraits not like anyone,
The landscapes, though not "well begun,"
"Half done" there's no denying.
AndBeardsleyshows us now the nude;It would not shock the primmest prude,Or rouse the legislature.An unclothed woman, ten feet high,Could not make anyone feel shy;She's "art," she is not nature.
AndBeardsleyshows us now the nude;
It would not shock the primmest prude,
Or rouse the legislature.
An unclothed woman, ten feet high,
Could not make anyone feel shy;
She's "art," she is not nature.
(By the Birmingham Oracle.)
The "units" or "areas" of London,However you turn 'em or twist 'em,Must be ranged—or the Capital'sundone—On the (Birmingham) Decimal System,For London's just ten times as bigAs the Midland's Miraculous Model.For the L. C. C. care not a fig,Their "Unification" is twaddle:Lord! what can such novices knowOf the right size for Municipalities?SirJohnshould take council withJoe,Who is old, and has dealt with realities.GreatPlatomight prate about "types,"Which were stored in some limbo ideal.His eye modern Brummagem wipes,'Tis the standard for all, and 'tis real.No. London's "divides" must be Ten!'Tis no matter what you'll be terming 'em,But surely 'tis clear to all menThatthey mustn't be bigger than Birmingham!
The "units" or "areas" of London,However you turn 'em or twist 'em,Must be ranged—or the Capital'sundone—On the (Birmingham) Decimal System,For London's just ten times as bigAs the Midland's Miraculous Model.For the L. C. C. care not a fig,Their "Unification" is twaddle:Lord! what can such novices knowOf the right size for Municipalities?SirJohnshould take council withJoe,Who is old, and has dealt with realities.GreatPlatomight prate about "types,"Which were stored in some limbo ideal.His eye modern Brummagem wipes,'Tis the standard for all, and 'tis real.No. London's "divides" must be Ten!'Tis no matter what you'll be terming 'em,But surely 'tis clear to all menThatthey mustn't be bigger than Birmingham!
The "units" or "areas" of London,
However you turn 'em or twist 'em,
Must be ranged—or the Capital'sundone—
On the (Birmingham) Decimal System,
For London's just ten times as big
As the Midland's Miraculous Model.
For the L. C. C. care not a fig,
Their "Unification" is twaddle:
Lord! what can such novices know
Of the right size for Municipalities?
SirJohnshould take council withJoe,
Who is old, and has dealt with realities.
GreatPlatomight prate about "types,"
Which were stored in some limbo ideal.
His eye modern Brummagem wipes,
'Tis the standard for all, and 'tis real.
No. London's "divides" must be Ten!
'Tis no matter what you'll be terming 'em,
But surely 'tis clear to all men
Thatthey mustn't be bigger than Birmingham!
RESOURCE!RESOURCE!Young Mr. Softly."Er—Miss Ethel, there is something I—er—particularly want to say to you. Er—when could I have a Minute with you alone?"Miss Ethel."Oh, that's all right! Something from Wagner, please, Lucy! Now, Mr. Softly!"
Young Mr. Softly."Er—Miss Ethel, there is something I—er—particularly want to say to you. Er—when could I have a Minute with you alone?"
Miss Ethel."Oh, that's all right! Something from Wagner, please, Lucy! Now, Mr. Softly!"
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday Night, February 25.—Glasgae setting its house in order. Local authorities have drafted Bill regulating domestic institutions. One of a class that come regularly to Westminster. House knows nothing of particulars, but is final arbiter. This Bill, like many others of same kind, would have passed without notice, if lynx eye ofJemmy Lowtherhad not chanced to fall upon it. Horrified to discover its many infringements of personal liberty. Glasgae bailies well known for whatAsquithwould call their "almost convulsive" purity. Only the other day they sternly repressed artistic enterprise whose development was unaccompanied by what they regard as adequacy of clothing. In this Bill they leave nothing untouched.
Happily, whustling on the Sabbath is a crime long ago stamped out on the banks of the Clyde. But there are other habits indigenous to headlong youth which Glasgae is determined to put down. Boys have been known, for example, unlawfully to run behind a tramcar, following up the vehicle with felonious intent of obtaining a free ride, probably in the opposite way they were going when they met the conveyance, and were attracted by the opportunity furnished by the conductor collecting fares on the roof. They would be well advised, after the Glasgae Corporation Police Bill is passed, to forego that delirious delight. AsCross, apologetically presenting himself as Glasgae citizen and Glasgae Member, put it, if the Bill passed, no cat could catch a mouse, no dog might worry a rat in Glasgae, without being subject to a penalty of forty shillings. A similar fine awaits a man upon conviction of having exposed to public view a leg of mutton, unless it be decently draped.
Effect of Bill uponCaldwella little painful to Members sitting near him. Lashed himself into appalling fury. Desiring, with national economic instinct, to make one effort simultaneously serve two purposes, he pitched his voice in a key upon which, whilst ostensibly addressed toSpeakerin Chair, it might be heard in Glasgae. Something weird-looking aboutCaldwellwhen he thus from his seat in House of Commons whispers in ear of constituents in far-off Lanark. The startled stranger crossing Palace Yard and hearing the voice grow more thundrous as he advances, pictures to himself a man in a towering rage. Reaching House he will find upright behind Treasury Bench a man decently dressed in black, without the slightest flash of expression on his face, roaring with volume of sound that would cause to blush any stray bull of Bashan meditatively making its way down Sauciehall Street, pricking up its ears at the reverberation brought northward across the timorous Tweed.
AsCawmel-Bannerman, suffering on the bench below, observed, "It really doesn't seem fair that a man should, with perfectly placid face and mien, continuously roar in this fashion. If he were in Glasgae under this Police Bill, he would immediately be wrapped up in a decent cloth and fined forty shillings."
Business done.—Asquithmoves for leave to bring in Welsh Disestablishment Bill. "Sheer political cant of the most nauseous kind," wasHicks-Beach'sgenial description ofHome Secretary'sargument.
Tuesday.—"The world," saidChesney, speaking just now in debate onEverett'smotion, "is divided into two classes, people who understand the subject, and people who do not. The former are all bimetallist, the latter are gradually going over."
I fancy I must be going over; certainly I don't understand the subject. Thankful, therefore, for opportunity to hearEverettdiscourse on it. A tall, grave-looking man, with a touch of sadness suggestive of long brooding over bimetallic theories. In fullness of design to instruct House, went back all the way toJulius Cæsar. Finally arrived in Garden of Eden; recalled fact that originally, in time of primeval peace and prosperity, two people walked in it. This principle of duality ran through everything. "There are, for example," saidEverett, swinging his pince-nez between finger and thumb in convincing manner, "white corn and red corn, white grapes and black grapes." ("White sand and grey sand," hummedWilfrid Lawson, waking up out of sleep.) "Nature has given to each of us two eyes for the common purpose of sight, two ears to hear withal, two hands and two legs." ("What about the Isle of Man?" askedRochfort Maguire. "Understand they have three legs there.")
"We are created in two sexes,"Everettcontinued, half closing his eyes and paying no attention to the voice of the scorner; "whose highest purpose is fulfilled only when they are married."
Here he opened his eyes and glanced significantly atMaguire.Rochfortblushed. Wished he hadn't interfered.
These arguments, new in controversy of long standing, proved surprisingly conclusive.Squire of Malwoodspoke for hour and a half, vehemently declaring that he would have nothing to do with bimetallism, would not touch it with a pair of tongs.
"Sorry to interrupt the right hon. gentleman," saidEverett; "but he has just alluded to another instance of the infinitude of the principle of duality. Did any hon. Member ever see a tong? No, always a pair.Toujourstwo, as the French say."
Squirefinished up by announcing he would acceptEverett's amendment, though most careful to protest that it really meant nothing, least of all approval of the heresy of bimetallism.
"You may say what you please," saidCourtney; "so long as you take our resolution."
Then the bimetallists jubilantly went home arm in arm.
"Arm in arm, of course," saidEverett, driving off in a pair-wheeled hansom. "Still another illustration of the irresistible, illimitable principle of duality. Wish, by the way, I'd mentioned when on the subject that the result of marriage is occasionally twins. One of those things—or should I say two of those things?—a fellow always thinks of on the staircase."
Business done.—Squire of Malwood, swearing he would ne'er consent to bimetallism, consented to adopt resolution put forward by bimetallists.
Friday, 2a.m.—Few people know, even suspect, what takes place here when we have a "nicht wi' Burns," or rather an early morning. Not known, because few Southerners remain to witness orgie: no English paper reports it. According to beneficent Standing Order, ordinary debate stands adjourned at midnight. Members go home, whether work in hand accomplished or not. One curious exception to rule. Scotch Members, accustomed to get a little more for their money than other sections of community, managed to carry amendment whereby matters relating to educational affairs North of the Tweed may be discussed all night if necessary. Accordingly, from time to time, when ordinary business of sitting wound up, Scotch Members clan together and make a night of it.
Happened just now. At midnight Welsh Disestablishment Bill brought in; Members troop off leaving whatJokimirreverently calls "a Pict selection of Scots." Business on hand related to Universities (Scotland) Act, 1889. So it appears on Order. First business actually is to bring in the haggis.Macfarlanetold off for this duty, because he's only member who, being resident in London, has his kilt handy. Also there is a subtle, inexpressed feeling that his flowing beard (when it can be kept out of the haggis-dish) gives a bardic appearance to ceremony. Dr.Farquharsonpreceeds him with bagpipes, which seemed to-night to have just a slight touch of influenza.Caldwellbrews a peck o' maut; "Cald without" they call it, in spite of the rising steam and the stirred-up sugar. But a Scotchman, asDonald Currieadmits, is not to be done out of a joke on account of a few awkward details in the way of matters of fact. No pipes are allowed except those inFahquharson'shands, but they manage to face deprivation, and have, on the whole, a merry evening. Joining hands round table, on which lay the astonished Mace, we sang "Auld Lang Syne" just now, and so home to bed.
Don't quite know what became of the Universities (Scotland) Act, 1889. Fancy we repealed it.Business done(earlier in sitting).—Welsh Disestablishment Bill brought in.
Friday, Midnight.—Best day's work since Session opened. At morning sittingAsquithmoved for leave to bring in two important measures, and got it. If things go on at this rateHome Secretarywill soon be known asAsk-with-Success. At night useful discussion on Post Office contract with Telephone Company. WhenSage of Queen Anne's Gateinterposed everybody thought he was going to show that all the evil dilated upon came from havingPremierin the House of Lords. Didn't even mentionRosebery, unless he meant to include him in condemnation of "financiers and other disreputable persons."
Business done.—Bills brought in to Amend Factories and Workshop Act and Truck Acts.
QUITE CORRECT.QUITE CORRECT.Lady Visitor(looking out on playground). "Ah, there are all the Girls, and my little Girl among them! What are they doing?"Schoolmistress."They're making a Snow-Woman."Lady Visitor."A Snow what?"Schoolmistress."MyYoung Ladies are not allowed to make a Snow-Man!"
Lady Visitor(looking out on playground). "Ah, there are all the Girls, and my little Girl among them! What are they doing?"
Schoolmistress."They're making a Snow-Woman."
Lady Visitor."A Snow what?"
Schoolmistress."MyYoung Ladies are not allowed to make a Snow-Man!"
He had read of the frigid fanatics who tubTHE TRUTH ABOUT THE COLD-TUBBER.In a pool in the Park through the ice,So he took a rough towel his body to scrub,He sped to the Park,—quite avoiding the Pub,—He stripped in a blizzard,Which pierced to his gizzard.And shrivelled his skin till he looked like a lizard,Plunged, shuddered, shrank, stammered,"Hown-n-n-n-ice!"But when through the laurels I happened to glance,I found he was—doing the Serpentine Dance,With a stiff frozen towel, ten paralysed toes,And an unripe tomato in place of a nose!
He had read of the frigid fanatics who tub
THE TRUTH ABOUT THE COLD-TUBBER.
In a pool in the Park through the ice,
So he took a rough towel his body to scrub,
He sped to the Park,—quite avoiding the Pub,—
He stripped in a blizzard,
Which pierced to his gizzard.
And shrivelled his skin till he looked like a lizard,
Plunged, shuddered, shrank, stammered,
"Hown-n-n-n-ice!"
But when through the laurels I happened to glance,
I found he was—doing the Serpentine Dance,
With a stiff frozen towel, ten paralysed toes,
And an unripe tomato in place of a nose!
Pure Beverages.—What is cocoa? I write to ask because our grocer says it has just been legally decided that a mixture containing eighty per cent. of flour and sago, and the rest genuine nibs, deserves to be called by that name. Is this really the law? He also tells me that in the Navy our sailors quite enjoy a cocoa that is half composed of "foreign fats." If so, is our Admiralty justified in getting its fat from abroad instead of supporting home industries? And when Jack Tar asks for cocoa, ought not he to get it? At all events, I have decided to pay my grocer's next bill with eighty per cent. of French pennies, and see how he likesthat!—Soul of Honour.
An Additional "Labour of Hercules."—To fill, for the second time, the post of Governor of the Cape and High Commissioner of South Africa, to which SirHercules Robinsonis appointed.
"Alone! Alone!"—Very like a wail. It has a sad sound, but not a bad look when written as "A Loan in London." Specially if it be the American.