THE REEFS.

Play us a chune, Mister."Play us a chune, Mister."

Magnanimity.There was once a satirical pupWho with newspaper rule was fed up,So he wrote bitter rhymesWhich disparagedThe TimesBut were praised in its weeklyLit. Supp.

Magnanimity.

There was once a satirical pupWho with newspaper rule was fed up,So he wrote bitter rhymesWhich disparagedThe TimesBut were praised in its weeklyLit. Supp.

There was once a satirical pup

Who with newspaper rule was fed up,

So he wrote bitter rhymes

Which disparagedThe Times

But were praised in its weeklyLit. Supp.

"The Canadian officials refused to allow her to land because she did not proopse to carry out her original intention tom arry Captain â€”â€”, and the New Yorkaut horities declined to interfere with the Canadian decision."â€”Daily Paper.

But what we really want to know is where Tom and 'Arry come in.

"New York, Sunday.The s.s. Minnehaha left here yesterday for London with fifty crates of American birds and a great variety of animals.Three trunks were carried for the oppossum to build in and for the beavers to gnaw."â€”Daily Mirror.

"New York, Sunday.

The s.s. Minnehaha left here yesterday for London with fifty crates of American birds and a great variety of animals.

Three trunks were carried for the oppossum to build in and for the beavers to gnaw."â€”Daily Mirror.

Nothing is said about the other creatures' luggage.

From the time-table of a Hampshire motor-service:â€”

"The Fares between any points on any route will be found where the vertical line of figures under the name of one of the points meets the horizontal line of figures which terminates in the name of the other of the two points between which it is desired to travel."

The Hampshire Hog needs to be a very learned pig.

A very quiet wedding.Mother."Well, darlings, what are you playing?"Margaret."We're playing at weddings. I'm the bride and Betty's the bridesmaid."Mother."But where's the bridegroom?"Margaret."Oh, this is a very quiet wedding."

Mother."Well, darlings, what are you playing?"Margaret."We're playing at weddings. I'm the bride and Betty's the bridesmaid."Mother."But where's the bridegroom?"Margaret."Oh, this is a very quiet wedding."

Mother."Well, darlings, what are you playing?"

Margaret."We're playing at weddings. I'm the bride and Betty's the bridesmaid."

Mother."But where's the bridegroom?"

Margaret."Oh, this is a very quiet wedding."

All the grim rocks that stand guard about Scillyâ€”Wingletang, Great Smith and Little Granilly,The Barrel of Butter, Dropnose and Hellweatherâ€”Started to boast of their conquests together,Of drowned men and gallant, tall vessels laid lowWhile gulls wheeled about them like flurries of snowAnd green combers romped at them smashing in thunder,Gurgling and booming in caverns down under,Sending their diamond-drops flying in showers."Oh," said the reefs, "what a business is ours!Since saints in coracles paddled from Erin(Fishing our waters for sinners and herrin')And purple-sailed triremes of Hamilco cameTo the Islands of Tin, we've played at the game.We shattered the galleys of conquering Rome,The galleons ofPhilipthat scudded for home(The sea-molluscs slime on their glittering gear);We plundered the plundering French privateer,We caught the great Indiaman head in the windAnd gutted her hold of the treasures of Ind;We sank a whole fleet of three-deckers one night(The drift of the sand keeps their culverins bright),And cloudy tea-clippers that raced from CantonSwept into our clutchesâ€”and never went on.Come steel leviathans scorning disasterWe scrapped them as fastâ€”if anything faster.So pick up your pilot and take a cross-bearing,Sound us and chart us from Lion to Tearing,And ring us with lighthouses, day-marks and buoys,The gales are our hunters, the fogs our decoys.We shall not go hungry; we grin and we wait,Black-fanged and foam-drabbled, the wolves at the Gate."Patlander.

All the grim rocks that stand guard about Scillyâ€”

Wingletang, Great Smith and Little Granilly,

The Barrel of Butter, Dropnose and Hellweatherâ€”

Started to boast of their conquests together,

Of drowned men and gallant, tall vessels laid low

While gulls wheeled about them like flurries of snow

And green combers romped at them smashing in thunder,

Gurgling and booming in caverns down under,

Sending their diamond-drops flying in showers.

"Oh," said the reefs, "what a business is ours!

Since saints in coracles paddled from Erin

(Fishing our waters for sinners and herrin')

And purple-sailed triremes of Hamilco came

To the Islands of Tin, we've played at the game.

We shattered the galleys of conquering Rome,

The galleons ofPhilipthat scudded for home

(The sea-molluscs slime on their glittering gear);

We plundered the plundering French privateer,

We caught the great Indiaman head in the wind

And gutted her hold of the treasures of Ind;

We sank a whole fleet of three-deckers one night

(The drift of the sand keeps their culverins bright),

And cloudy tea-clippers that raced from Canton

Swept into our clutchesâ€”and never went on.

Come steel leviathans scorning disaster

We scrapped them as fastâ€”if anything faster.

So pick up your pilot and take a cross-bearing,

Sound us and chart us from Lion to Tearing,

And ring us with lighthouses, day-marks and buoys,

The gales are our hunters, the fogs our decoys.

We shall not go hungry; we grin and we wait,

Black-fanged and foam-drabbled, the wolves at the Gate."

Patlander.

Although the cost of everything is on the rise there are still a few good things that quite a little money can buy. One pound, for exampleâ€”or, if you prefer it, twenty shillingsâ€”can work wonders by taking (under the auspices of the Children's Country Holiday Fund) a London child away from our smoke and grime for a fortnight of country air and surprises, excitements and joys. The Fund (the Hon. Treasurer of which is the Earl ofArran, 18, Buckingham Street, Strand, London) must not now be restricted because lodgings and railway fares are dearer. Last year the sum asked for each child was just half what is now required; but the increase is necessary. Yet even with the increase it is not great, considering the good that it can do! In spite of all the other claims of the moment upon his readers' generosity, Mr. Punch trusts that this modest and most excellent ameliorative organisation will not be neglected.

"The police are divided in their opinions as to whether Mamie is still alive or whether she has gone to Canada."â€”Provincial Paper.

Why this "down" on the Dominion?

OUR PARISH CHURCH.OUR PARISH CHURCH.John Bull. "LET ME SEE, WE MUST BE ESPECIALLY GENEROUS TO-DAY. THE COLLECTION IS FOR THE RESTORATION FUND."

John Bull. "LET ME SEE, WE MUST BE ESPECIALLY GENEROUS TO-DAY. THE COLLECTION IS FOR THE RESTORATION FUND."

Monday, July 5th.â€”When the Germans left Peking after the Boxer Rebellion they took with them the astronomical instruments which had hung for centuries on its walls. How the Celestial equivalent ofOld Moorehas managed to translate the message of the stars without their assistance I cannot imagine; but the Chinese Government does not appear to be worrying, for, though it was specifically provided at Versailles that the instruments should be returned, China has omitted to sign the Peace Treaty.

A GENEROUS TEAPOT."A GENEROUS TEAPOT."Colonel Wedgwood.

"A GENEROUS TEAPOT."

Colonel Wedgwood.

There are the makings of a great statesman in SirJohn Rees. Some apprehension having been expressed lest France should prohibit the importation of silk mourning crÃªpe and so injure an old British industry, he was quick to suggest a remedy. "Would it not be possible," he asked in his most insinuating tones, "to have a deal between silk and champagne?" And the House, which is not yet entirely composed of "Pussyfeet," gave him an approving cheer.

A certain GeneralGolovinhaving published statements reflecting on Mr.Churchill'sconduct of the campaign in North Russia last year, that section of the House which is always ready to take the word of any foreigner as against that of any Englishman, particularly of any English Minister, at once assumed that the charges were correct. TheSecretary of State for Warwas in his place, with the light of battle in his eye, ready to meet his enemies in the gate. But by the time Mr.Bonar Lawhad done with them there was not much left of the charges. So far as the statements were true, he said, they merely repeated what was already familiar to the House. Everybody knew that the Government was helping the anti-Bolshevik forces last year. But the story that Mr.Churchillhad taken his orders from AdmiralKoltchakwas both untrue and absurd. He had simply carried out the policy of the Government, a policy which, though some hon. Members did not seem to appreciate it, had now been altered.

Committee on the Finance Bill saw the annual assault on the tea duty. "We are going to drop this duty directly we are in a position to do so," said CommanderKenworthy, with his eye on the Treasury Bench. "Who are we?" shouted the Coalitionists; and it presently appeared that "we" did not include SirDonald Maclean, but did include ColonelWedgwood, who, as becomes one of his name, was all for a generous tea-pot.

LIEUT.-COMMANDER KENWORTHY.LIEUT.-COMMANDER KENWORTHY GIVES AN INFERIOR IMITATION OF MR. CHARLES CHAPLIN.

LIEUT.-COMMANDER KENWORTHY GIVES AN INFERIOR IMITATION OF MR. CHARLES CHAPLIN.

Undeterred by his failure over tea, CommanderKenworthynext attacked the duty on films, complaininginter alia, "Mr.Chaplinis taxed twenty pounds for every thousand feet." Mr.Chamberlaindefended the tax on general grounds, but wisely avoided Mr.Chaplin'sfeet, over which it is notoriously easy to trip.

The debate on the beer duty shattered one more illusion. It is an article of faith with the "Wee Frees" that SirGeorge Youngeris the power behind the scenes, and that Mr.Lloyd Georgeis a mere marionette, who only exists to do his bidding. Yet here was the autocrat confessing,quÃ¢brewer, that the latest addition to the beer duty was the biggest surprise of his life.

Tuesday, July 6th.â€”TheLord Chancellor'srequest for leave of absence in order that he might attend the Spa Conference was granted. LordCrewe'sremark, that it was "a matter of regret that the Government had to depend upon the noble and learned lord for legal assistance," might perhaps have been less ambiguously worded. At any rate LordBirkenheadthought it necessary to allay any possible apprehensions by adding that he would be accompanied by theAttorney-General.

The gist of Mr.Churchill'scomprehensive reply to allegations of waste at Chilwell was that there were not enough sheds to cover all the stores, and that to build additional accommodation would cost more than it would save. There was a pleasant Hibernian flavour about his admission that the goods, "if they remained in their present condition, would, of course, deteriorate."

Who says that D.O.R.A. has outlived her usefulness? TheHome Secretaryannounced that the sale of chocolates in theatres is stillverboten, so the frugal swain, whose "best girl" has a healthy appetite, may breathe again.

DAVID COPPERFIELD UP TO DATE.DAVID COPPERFIELD UP TO DATE.Mr. Clynes."Look hereâ€”if the price of ale keeps on going up like this I'll have to speak to Austen Chamberlain about it."

Mr. Clynes."Look hereâ€”if the price of ale keeps on going up like this I'll have to speak to Austen Chamberlain about it."

Mr.Clynes, usually so cautious, was in a reckless mood. First he tried to move the adjournment over theGolovinrevelations, and was informed by theSpeakerthat a report of doubtful authenticity, relating to events that happened over a year ago, could hardly be described as either "urgent" or "definite."

Next, on the Finance Bill, he shocked his temperance colleagues by boldly demanding cheaper beer. But, although he received the powerful support of Admiral Sir R.Hall, he failed to soften the heart of theChancellor, who declared that he must have his increased revenue, and that the beer-drinker must pay his share of it.

Mr.Chamberlainturned a more sympathetic ear to the bark of another sea-dog, AdmiralAdair, who sought a reduction of the tax on champagne, and mentioned the horrifying fact that even City Companies were abandoning its consumption. He received the unexpected support of Lieutenant-CommanderKenworthy, who declared that Yorkshire miners always had a bottle after their day's work and denounced an impost that would rob a poor man of his "boy." Eventually theChancelloragreed to reduce the newad valoremduty by a third. He might have made the same reduction in the case of cigars but for the declaration of a LabourMember that this was becoming "a rich man's Budget from top to bottom."

Wednesday, July 7th.â€”Never was Lord Haldane's power of clear thinking employed to better advantage than in his lucid exposition of the Duplicands and Feu-duties (Scotland) Bill. I would not like to assert positively that all the Peers present fully grasped the momentous fact that a duplicand was a "casualty" and might be sometimes twice the feu-duty and sometimes three times that amount; but they understood enough to agree that it was a very fearful wild-fowl and ought to be restrained by law.

After this piquanthors-d'Å“uvrethey settled down to a solid joint of national finance, laid before them by LordMidleton. I am afraid they would have found it rather indigestible but for the sauce provided by LordInchcape, who was positively skittish in his comments upon the extravagance of the Government, and on one occasion even indulged in a pun. In his view the Ministry of Transport was an entirely superfluous creation, solely arising out of the supposed necessity of finding a new job for SirEric Geddes. I suppose thePrime Ministersaid, "Here's a square peg, look you; let us dig a hole round it."

TheLord Chancellor'sreply was vigorous but not altogether convincing. His description of the Government as a body of harassed and anxious economists did not altogether tally with his subsequent picture of theChancellor of the Exchequer"always resisting proposals for expenditure made by his colleagues in the Cabinet." Despite his eloquence the Peers passed LordMidleton'smotion by 95 votes to 23.

The Commons made good progress with the Finance Bill, though there was a good deal of justifiable criticism of its phraseology. TheSecretary of the Treasuryadmitted that there was one clause of which he did not understand a word, but wisely refused to specify it. ColonelWedgwoodadvanced the remarkable proposition that "the workers in the long run pay all the taxes," but did not jump at CaptainElliott'ssuggestion that in that case it would save trouble if theChancellorwere to levy all the taxes on the working classes direct. When asked to extend further relief to charities Mr.Chamberlainsought a definition of "charity." Would it apply, for example, to "the association of a small number of gentlemen in distress obeying the law of self-preservation in the face of world-forces which threaten to sweep them out of existence"? I seem to hearMr. Wilkins Micawberreply, "The answer is in the affirmative."

Thursday, July 8th.â€”In the absence of theLord Chancellorthe Gas Regulation Bill was entrusted to theUnder-Secretary for Air. The mingling of gas and air has before now been known to produce an explosion, but on this occasion LordLondonderryso deftly handled his material that not a single Peer objected to the Second Reading.

The proceedings in the Lower House were much more lively. Mr.Stantonthreatened that there would be a general strike of Members of Parliament unless their salaries were increased; but Mr.Bonar Lawseemed to be more amused than alarmed at the prospect. TheChancellor of the Exchequerwas asked point-blank whether he was satisfied with the reduction in the bureaucracy during the last six months, and replied that he was not, and had therefore appointed Committees to investigate the staffs in seven of the Departments. The number is unfortunately suggestive.

"If seven maids with seven mopsSwept it for half a year,Do you suppose," the Walrus said,"That they could get it clear?"

"If seven maids with seven mops

Swept it for half a year,

Do you suppose," the Walrus said,

"That they could get it clear?"

MR. MONTAGU S'EXCUSE.MR. MONTAGU S'EXCUSE.

And we know what the Carpenter replied.

If an unnecessary amount of heat was engendered by the debate on GeneralDyer'scase the fault must be partly attributed to theIndian Secretary'sopening speech. "Come, Montagu, for thou art early up" is a line from one of the most poignant scenes inShakspeare; but early rising, at Westminster as elsewhere, is not always conducive to good temper.

Members who thought with SirEdward Carsonthat GeneralDyerhad not been fairly treated resented Mr.Montagu'sinsinuation that in that case they were condoning "frightfulness." Mr.Churchillwas more judicious, and Mr.Bonar Lawdid his level best to keep his followers in the Government Lobby. But SirA. Hunter-Weston'sreminder that by the instructions issued by the civil authority to GeneralDyerhe was ordered "to use all force necessary. No gathering of persons nor procession of any sort will be allowed. All gatherings will be fired on," confirmed them in the view that theGeneralwas being made a scape-goat. No fewer than 129 voted against the Government, whose majority would have been very minute but for the assistance of its usual foes, the "Wee Frees" and Labourites.

"Keble's own future should be all the more secure in a University in which there is not only complete religious intolerance but complete religious equality."â€”Local Paper.

Poor old Oxford! Still "the home of lost causes" apparently.

"Few stories of London origin are more familiar than that of the cabby who, regarding his day off as one of his indisputable rights, spent it each week in riding about the City with a fellow cabby in order to keep him company."â€”Sunday Paper.

That's why they called him a busman and his holiday a busman's holiday.

"Do you remember the sad fate of a certain distinguished hostess who found herself at midnight left with only a few hogs and elderly men to entertain her pretty girl guests, and the sudden epidemic of rents that necessitated a rush to the cloakroom for mending."â€”Evening Paper.

The ripping property of tusks is well known.

THE WOMAN-HATER.THE WOMAN-HATER.

A returning circumnavigator reports that the passengers on the boatâ€”a Japanese linerâ€”coming from Yokohama to Honolulu were apprised of the fact that they were to have two Thursdays, one immediately following the other (and you can have no notion how long a second Thursday can be), owing to the crossing of the imaginary but very boring line which divides the two hemispheres. The official notice came from the captain's own hand. The ship had an American purser and an American chief steward, and there were many English on board, but the gallant little commander preferred to tackle the linguistic problem unaided. On Wednesday, therefore, the board had this announcement pinned to it:â€”"As she will be crossed the meridian of 180 to-morrow, so to-morrow again." Could, after the first blow, anything be clearer?

Meanwhile from Siam come the glad tidings that the British residents in Bangkok are to have a new paper. That the editorial promises are rich the following extracts sufficiently prove:â€”

"The news of English we tell the latest, writ in perfect style and earliest. Do a murder get commit, we hear and tell of it. Do a mighty chief die, we publish it in borders of sombre. Staff has each one been college and writes like the Kipling and the Dickens. We circulate every town and extortionate not for advertisements. Buy it."

"For Sale.Grey flannel suit made by English tailor in January last, unworn Rs. 50; chest 39, height 8ft. 5 inches."â€”Indian Paper.

"For Sale.

Grey flannel suit made by English tailor in January last, unworn Rs. 50; chest 39, height 8ft. 5 inches."â€”Indian Paper.

"Small (Elephant) Pram, as new, extending back, 6 gns."â€”Local Paper.

Thanks; but we always take our elephant in the side-car.

"Samuel Johnson, who had pleaded guilty yesterday to stealing a wallet, was sentenced to three months' hard labour."â€”Evening Paper.

When he comes out (if there is any truth inBoswell) he will make a pun.

Vers Libre.There was an old man of DunoonWho always ate soup with a fork;For he said, "As I eatNeither fish, fowl or fleshI should finish my dinner too quick."

Vers Libre.

There was an old man of DunoonWho always ate soup with a fork;For he said, "As I eatNeither fish, fowl or fleshI should finish my dinner too quick."

There was an old man of Dunoon

Who always ate soup with a fork;

For he said, "As I eat

Neither fish, fowl or flesh

I should finish my dinner too quick."

"It is as well to note that during dry weather it is always advisable to pass the watering-can along the rows of plants in order to moisten the soil."â€”Daily Paper.

This means, we think, "Water the garden."

"The City views with the gravest concern the existence of places like Didcot."â€”Daily Paper.

There is reason to believe that Didcot entertains precisely similar feelings in regard to the City.

"For Lightweight Motor Cycles there is no alternative to the â€”â€”Magneto. Maximum Weight. Minimum Performance."â€”Trade Paper.

"Reason and instinct dictate the smoking of a cigarette that will give the minimum of pleasure at a moderate cost."â€”Advt. in Evening Paper.

"Hulloa, Melhuish," I said, "after all you had ideal weather for yourMidsummer Night's Dreamyesterday."

"Ideal," said Melhuish moodily.

"Really, if you'd picked the day it couldn't have been better. You want peculiar atmospheric conditions for a pastoral, don't you? Just enough sun, not too much wind, temperature congenial for sitting out-of-doors. You had 'em all."

Melhuish nodded.

"Your garden must be looking like fairyland too now with the roses out and the trees in all their full summer greenery."

He nodded again.

"What a setting for theDream! It drew a crowd, of course?"

"Yes, we drew the county."

I sighed regretfully. "How I wish I hadn't funked it, but with my lumbago I never dare risk damp grass and it looked so awfully like rain in the morning."

Melhuish suddenly got excited. "Lookedlike rain!" he said violently. "Itdidrain. It rained several drops. I never saw such drops, as big as saucers. Perhaps you didn't hear the thunder?"

"My dear bean," I said, "it was the thunder which put me off coming to see you asBottomand Mrs. Melhuish asTitaniain the most idyllic surroundings I can imagine."

"You wouldn't have seen us in any idyllic surroundings," said Melhuish. He had relapsed into moodiness again. I could see there was something serious.

"What happened, old friend?" I said gently.

"We began rehearsing during that glorious spell of sunshine in the spring, when the garden was a carpet of daffodils and it was a sheer joy to play about out-of-doors. Then the weather broke for a time and we migrated to the Parish Hall. You know our Parish Hall?"

"Quite well. A little tin place on the left from the rectory."

"That's it. It's got a platform on trestles at one end and a paraffin lamp in the middle. The Vicar placed it at our disposal when there wasn't a Women's Institute or a choir practice, and on chilly nights he had the 'Beatrice stove' lit for us. Then the Summer began in real earnest. We got in extra gardeners, worked like niggers ourselves, and when the turf was in perfect condition and the thyme was coming up onTitania'sbank we fixed the date and billed the county.

"After that we all got nervous and went about consulting weather forecasts.Old Mooreprophesied heavy rains. TheDaily Mailsaid a cyclone from New York was on the way. The weather-glasses jumped about and seemed to know their own minds even less than usual. Three days before the date thunderstorms were reported all over the country and a fowl was struck by lightning. But not a drop of rain came to our village.

"At the dress-rehearsal the night before the performance we debated the weather prospects until the moon rose.Lysandersaid his bit of seaweed which he brought from Bognor was as dry as parched peas and he would back it against any fool barometer. Cocklewhite, our prompter, said he didn't want to depress the company, but he had a leech in a bottle of water which rose for fine weather and sank for wet, and he was bound to tell us it was like lead at the bottom at the present moment.Hermiapointed to the heavens, 'Red sky at night shepherds' delight,' she quoted. There was no getting away from the swallows; they were nose-diving to a bird. 'Hang swallows,'Oberonsaid; 'put your trust in mosquitoes. Look at my eyelid.'

"'It's no good talking,'Theseussaid; 'nobody can tell until the morning, and then it'll be up toBottomto decide by 11.30 whether it's to be indoors or out. He's our stage-manager and we know his arrangements in case of rain. They're the only arrangements possible in our little village, and it's going to be a nightmare instead of a dream if they have to be carried out. But we can depend uponBottomto make a wise decision. He'll notify us and the boy-scouts will notify the audience. All we've got to do is not to grouse.'

"Cocklewhite said he would phone me the position of his leech at 9a.m., andLysanderpromised to report any change in the condition of the seaweed. I set our glass andTitaniaand I got up at half-hour intervals during the night and tapped it. It refused to budge either way.

"At dawnTitanialooked out of the window and gave a wild cry. 'Red sky in the morning shepherds' warning,' she wailed. At breakfast Cocklewhite phoned that his leech was dead, and he had strong suspicions it had died from atmospheric pressure. Almost at the same momentLysandersent word that his seaweed had gone clammy during the night. Half-an-hour later came a clap of thunder and the drops of rain I mentioned. I needn't go on. You can guess the rest."

Melhuish paused.

"But the performance came off, didn't it?" I said.

"Yes, in the Parish Hall. It was a perfect day for a pastoral."

I want you to paint me with a book in my 'and.Profiteer."I want you to paint me with a book in my 'and and my valet standin' unobtrusively in the background in case I might wish to call 'im."

Profiteer."I want you to paint me with a book in my 'and and my valet standin' unobtrusively in the background in case I might wish to call 'im."

"J. â€”â€” carried his bath through the innings."â€”Scotch Paper.

"Fishing near the bridge on Monday a schoolboy caught a chub with artificial fly weighing 2lbs. 15ozs."â€”Local Paper.

It is supposed that the unfortunate fish was struck on the head and stunned.

"After long delays a new Polish Cabinet has been formed under Mr. Grabski. He would annex much Russian territory outright."â€”Weekly Paper.

PaceShakspeare, there would seem to be something in a name.

"That Queer Fish the Salmon.

Some fish are 'takers,' some are not, but most salmon can be worried into talking."â€”Daily Paper.

Whereas most fishermen chatter of their own accord.

Wind gettin' up nicely.Fair Skipper."Wind gettin' up nicelyâ€” what?"

(Being an inquiry into the two Candidates for the Presidency of the United States of America.)

I wish I knew some facts regardingThe private life of Mr.Harding;I wish that I had simply stocksOf anecdotes of Mr.Cox.In U.S.A. (where both are residentAnd each one hoping to be President)Their favourite hymns, their size in boots,Their views on liquor and cherootsAre known to all; notJulius CÃ¦sarIs quite so much renowned as these are.In England, where they do not dwell,No one appears to know them well.One cannot say ifCox'sliverKeeps well upon the Swanee River,Nor whetherHardingfinds, when glum,Any relief in chewing gum.It may be that they both have good rowsOf dental ornaments likeWoodrow's,The waist ofTaft, theRoosevelteyeFor pinking hippopotami.It may beHardinghad some flickersOfCleveland'sspirit whilst in knickers,AndCoxwhile yet a puling babeDreamed tiny dreams ofLincoln (Abe);And both, although they knew they'd catch it,Cut fruit-trees with a little hatchet;Both may have been, when glorious youths,Too proud to fight or tell untruths.I cannot say. I know they wrangleOn points I dare not disentangle,That one of them's a DemocratAnd t' other's not. And that is that.Evoe.

I wish I knew some facts regardingThe private life of Mr.Harding;I wish that I had simply stocksOf anecdotes of Mr.Cox.

I wish I knew some facts regarding

The private life of Mr.Harding;

I wish that I had simply stocks

Of anecdotes of Mr.Cox.

In U.S.A. (where both are residentAnd each one hoping to be President)Their favourite hymns, their size in boots,Their views on liquor and cheroots

In U.S.A. (where both are resident

And each one hoping to be President)

Their favourite hymns, their size in boots,

Their views on liquor and cheroots

Are known to all; notJulius CÃ¦sarIs quite so much renowned as these are.In England, where they do not dwell,No one appears to know them well.

Are known to all; notJulius CÃ¦sar

Is quite so much renowned as these are.

In England, where they do not dwell,

No one appears to know them well.

One cannot say ifCox'sliverKeeps well upon the Swanee River,Nor whetherHardingfinds, when glum,Any relief in chewing gum.

One cannot say ifCox'sliver

Keeps well upon the Swanee River,

Nor whetherHardingfinds, when glum,

Any relief in chewing gum.

It may be that they both have good rowsOf dental ornaments likeWoodrow's,The waist ofTaft, theRoosevelteyeFor pinking hippopotami.

It may be that they both have good rows

Of dental ornaments likeWoodrow's,

The waist ofTaft, theRoosevelteye

For pinking hippopotami.

It may beHardinghad some flickersOfCleveland'sspirit whilst in knickers,AndCoxwhile yet a puling babeDreamed tiny dreams ofLincoln (Abe);

It may beHardinghad some flickers

OfCleveland'sspirit whilst in knickers,

AndCoxwhile yet a puling babe

Dreamed tiny dreams ofLincoln (Abe);

And both, although they knew they'd catch it,Cut fruit-trees with a little hatchet;Both may have been, when glorious youths,Too proud to fight or tell untruths.

And both, although they knew they'd catch it,

Cut fruit-trees with a little hatchet;

Both may have been, when glorious youths,

Too proud to fight or tell untruths.

I cannot say. I know they wrangleOn points I dare not disentangle,That one of them's a DemocratAnd t' other's not. And that is that.

I cannot say. I know they wrangle

On points I dare not disentangle,

That one of them's a Democrat

And t' other's not. And that is that.

Evoe.

On the upper floors of a shop in the Strand, between Wellington Street and the Savoy, is a well-known maker of fowling-pieces, who gave me a terrible start the other day; and probably not me alone, but many passers-by who chanced to look upwards at his windows. For he is at the moment advertising the most undesirable article in the world, a commodity for which I can conceive of no demand whatever. Yet thereâ€”the result of the caprice of adhesive cement or the desire of one letter of the alphabet to get level with its neighbour and be dropped tooâ€”the amazing notice is, in conspicuous white enamel:â€”

SECOND HANDUNS.

"A Lady wishes to meet with a gentleman or lady to share her home as sole paying guest; one with a hobby for gardening preferred; every home comfort; terms, Â£300 per annum."â€”Sunday Paper.

We are desirous of entertaining, on the same terms, a lady (or gentleman) with apenchantfor cooking and washing-up.

"The Hindus and Mahomedans are the two eyes of India, but have long been engaged in a tug-of-war. On account of this cleavage both have suffered, but now the wall of separation is broken down, and they are coming together like sugar and milk, the bitter feelings between them having been pulled out like a thorn. They are advised to give up biting each other for the future."â€”Indian Paper.

Or our contemporary will have exhausted its stock of metaphors.

Our move-in took place in no furtive or clandestine fashion; our installation of ourselves in our semi-detached was performed well under the eye of the neighbouring public. Our furniture waited on the public thoroughfare until our new home was ready to receive it. Small children played games on our sofa; enthusiastic acquaintances played tunes on our piano. In a word, our move-in was a local festival; everyone took part. This is the sad tale of the man who took the most expensive partâ€”the clock.

If the hard choice had been put to Diana, my wife, to say which she could least sorrowfully part with, me or the clock, the clock would have stayed. If I had been put to the same dismal alternative as to Diana or the clock, Diana would have gone. In fact, directly the clock was safely in Diana had gone out. That was all she cared about; small children might play on the sofa, enthusiastic acquaintances might play on the piano, and I might toil unremittingly with everything else, for all Diana cared. So, the clock being in, out she went upon her lawful or unlawful purposes. As she departed she said something about my seeing to the clock. I remembered that later on, but I remembered it wrong. This is how I did it.

The man sat a little on my own special chair (at that time on the pavement) before he came in. I asked him what he was sitting there for. He got up and came inside. Then I asked him what he had come in for, and he said, "The clock." I looked at the clock and it had stopped. I gave it a shake, and it still stopped. He said it was no good shaking it; that only annoyed it. He said he had come to look after it. He then took off his hat and his coat, moved the fingers about, put his ears to it to hear its heart beating, and asked me what I had been doing to it. I said I hadn't been doing anything to it; he watched me doing things to everything else, and adopted an expression as if to say he didn't believe me. He gave me the feeling that I was a very interfering person, and that he didn't want to have anything more to do with me. He said he should have to take the clock away. I asked him when he would bring it back. He said he didn't know. He appeared to take a pessimistic view of it. I asked him cheerfully if he wouldeverbring it back. He gave me a contemptuous look and, without another word, went, taking the clock with him.

When Diana came back she asked where the clock was. I said it had gone. "Gone where?" asked Diana. I said I didn't know; the man had taken it. "What man?" asked Diana. I was trying to move the sofa at the moment and I was inclined to be short-spoken. I said that the man who had taken it was, no doubt, the man whom Diana had gone forth to find and bid take away our clock. Diana said that, if the man had said that she had said that he might take our clock away, the man was a liar.Hadthe man said that she had said he might take the clock away? The answer was in the negative.

Then the truth emerged. The man had stolen our clock. I had assisted the man to steal our clock, helping him to lift it off its perch and handing him his bowler hat as he left.

It all sounds incredible, doesn't it? But you will admit, I am sure, that it is a thing which could quite easily happen to anyone. Isn't it?

To be quite frank, I have improved the story a bit. The clock wasn't really stolen.

Was the man really taking it away to repair it? No; to tell you the truth he didn't actually take it away at all. In fact, I might as well own that no man ever came into the house while I was shifting the furniture in from the street. And, if you want to know, I never had a clock ... nor a wife ... nor a house.

The mere fact of my pretending that therearesuch things as semi-detacheds for people to move into these days ought to have put you wise from the start that the whole tale was a fabrication.

(By our Medical Expert.)

The Times, in its daily summary of "News in Advertisements" recently called attention to the appeal of an invalided officer who "will be glad to give a hundred pounds to any doctor, nerve specialist or hospital that can cure him of occupation neurosis and writer's cramp." A careful study of other newspapers shows that offers of handsome remuneration for cures are not confined to those who have suffered from the War, but are made by civilians and officials of the highest position in public life. We append a few outstanding examples of the splendid opportunities now provided to psycho-pathological specialists:â€”

A Cabinet Minister of massive physique, perfect self-confidence and immovable determination, who has had varied experience in different business callings and (up to a certain point) unvarying success, offers five thousand pounds to any professor of deportment or member of the Old Nobility in reduced circumstances who will impart to him suavity of manner, tact and diplomatic courtesy, the lack of which constitutes the sole obstacle to his achieving immortality. If the instructor can succeed in making him (the Cabinet Minister) really beloved the honorarium will be doubled.

An Editor of thirty years' experience as a journalist, first-rate linguist, deeply versed in geography, Central European politics, etc., will give five hundred pounds to any mental specialist, registered or unregistered, who will cure him of an irresistible temptation on all occasions, with or without provocation, to utilise every incident, occurrence, calamity or disaster as a means of assailing and undermining the position of the Coalition Government in general and thePrime Ministerin particular.

A Member of Parliament, formerly attached to one of His Majesty's services, is prepared to offer fifty pounds to any phrenologist who without inflicting undue pain will reduce or remove the Bump of Curiosity which at present impels him without rhyme or reason to bombard Ministers with irrelevant questions contrary to the public interest and calculated to produce the maximum amount of irritation even amongst Members who sit on the same side of the House.

A Peer of great wealth, striking physiognomy, affectionate disposition and wonderful general knowledge will pay the sum of twenty thousand pounds to any psychiatric practitioner who succeeds in eliminating from his system the microbe of filmolatry, the ravages of which have latterly threatened to infect his monumental mind with histrionic monomania highly deleterious to the best interests of the community.

A neo-Georgian poet, disciple ofFreud, pacificist and vegetarian, will gladly pay five pounds to any psychopathic suggestionist who will extirpate from his subconsciousness the lingering relics of an antipathy to syncopated rhythms which retard his progress towards a complete mastery of the technique of amorphous bombination.

"For the first time on record snow has fallen at Albany, Western Australia.The Food Ministry announces that this surplus will therefore be available for home jam-making."â€”Provincial Paper.

"For the first time on record snow has fallen at Albany, Western Australia.

The Food Ministry announces that this surplus will therefore be available for home jam-making."â€”Provincial Paper.

"The Roman poets, all of them inveterate Cockneys, talk of the joys of the country, of purling streams and lowing kine and frisking lamps."â€”Weekly Paper.

And their verses occasionally smell of them.

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