A DIFFICULT CASE.

H. Asquith, Opposer (Collegers), said that the speech of the hon. Proposer was a tissue of fabrications, as ineffective as they were insincere. Never in the whole course of his career had he encountered a subterfuge so transparent, a calumny so shameless as the attempt of the Hon. Prop., he might say the calculated and cynical attempt of the Hon. Prop., to seduce from their faith the tenacious acolytes of Sport by the now threadbare recital of the dubious and, on his own showing, the anæmic enticements of Science. The War had proved that Science was no good.

This speaker is steadily improving, but he has a tendency to a "fatal fluency," and he must beware of high-sounding phrases. Also too many passages in his speech sounded like quotations.

A. Bonar Law, Seconder (Commoners), said that the War had proved that Sport was no good. Gas had been invented by Science. He pointed out the importance of astronomy in navigation.

A rapidly improving speaker. But he must not mumble.

E. G.Prettyman(Hodgeites) said that farming was both a science and a sport. The canal system of Great Britain had been neglected.

Some neat little epigrams.

Leslie Scott(Collegers) said that his father was a lawyer. Science had been used in the Russo-Japanese War.

This speaker was not at his best. Perhaps it was the gooseberries.

Leslie Wilson(Hittites) said that his Christian name was the same as the previous speaker's—(Laughter)—but his views were very different. (Loud laughter.) He would like to ask the House which had done most in the War—Tanks or Banks.

The speech of the evening. Witty and well-argued. But he must not fidget with his waistcoat-buttons.

W. S. Churchill(Hivites) said that this was a revolutionary motion. Sport and Science must stand together. True sport was scientific and true scientists were sportsmen. (Applause.) Together they would stand as an imperishable bulwark against the relentless tide of Socialism. Divided they would fall.

A steadily improving speaker, but he must not recite.

H. A. L. Fisher(Collegers) was in favour of Proportional Education.

He must not lecture.

E. Geddes(Perizzites) said he did not mind what game he played. Rugger, Soccer, Hockey, Cricket, Lacrosse, Rounders—he was equally at home with all of them.

An improving speaker. He must not speak at the roof; there is no one there.

F. Banbury(Sittites) must not go on and on.

A. Mond(Moabites) must not fidget with his feet.

H. D. King(Hivites) said that sailing was scientific.

He has not been heard before.

R. Kenworthy(Day-boy) must not be heard again.

R. Brace(Coalites) must not wheedle.

Adamson(Coalites) must not shout.

A. Addison(Collegers) was inaudible where we were.

E. Carson(Jebusites) was inaudible everywhere. But we gather we did not miss much. He must speak up.

W. Benn(Amalekites) was invisible.

A. Balfour(Stalactites) was insensible. But why not sleep in the dormitory?

R. Cecilmi.(Parasites) must not preach.

J. Devlin(Meteorites) said that Ireland was a nation. But he must not get excited.

R. Cecilma.(Collegers) must not eat while he is speaking. Otherwise a gentlemanly speech.

The President summed up and the Motion was carried by 12 votes to 11.

A. P. H.

AN "IMPASSE" AT OUR HOTEL. OUR ADMIRAL AND GENERAL, WHO ARE NOT ON SPEAKING TERMS, FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO IGNORE ONE ANOTHER WHEN THEY MEET ON THE STAIRS.AN "IMPASSE" AT OUR HOTEL.OUR ADMIRAL AND GENERAL, WHO ARE NOT ON SPEAKING TERMS, FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO IGNORE ONE ANOTHER WHEN THEY MEET ON THE STAIRS.

OUR ADMIRAL AND GENERAL, WHO ARE NOT ON SPEAKING TERMS, FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO IGNORE ONE ANOTHER WHEN THEY MEET ON THE STAIRS.

THE COLISEUM QUEUE, A.D. 60 OR THEREABOUTS. "LADIES AND GENTS, I 'OPE YOU WILL LET ME 'AVE YOUR KIND ATTENTION WHILE I GIVE A RENDERING OF 'RULE, BRITANNIA,' THE NATIONAL SONG OF BRITAIN, ACCOMPANYIN' MYSELF ON THE 'ARP, WICH I LEARNED TO PLAY WEN I WAS SERVIN' IN THE ARMY OF OCCUPATION IN THAT REMOTE AND BARBAROUS ISLAND."THE COLISEUM QUEUE, A.D. 60 OR THEREABOUTS."Ladies and gents, I 'ope you will let me 'ave your kind attention while I give a rendering of 'Rule, Britannia,' the national song of Britain, accompanyin' myself on the 'arp, wich I learned to play wen I was servin' in the army of occupation in that remote and barbarous island."

"Ladies and gents, I 'ope you will let me 'ave your kind attention while I give a rendering of 'Rule, Britannia,' the national song of Britain, accompanyin' myself on the 'arp, wich I learned to play wen I was servin' in the army of occupation in that remote and barbarous island."

Dear Mr. Punch,—This is one of those social problems which end by asking what A should do, only in this case I want to know what you would do.

It happened on the first day of my leave, just after I had, as is my custom on this day, had my hair cut and otherwise made beautiful at a place in Bond Street. (I am afraid this sounds as if I was a rich man, but really I am a Naval Officer.)

I was wearing—well, that would not interest you, but it really was rather a pleasant suit, with a hat which evenThe Daily Mailcould not improve upon. Briefly, I was strolling along in a perfectly contented frame of mind when a horse, drawing a van, chose to fall down right alongside me.

In a moment of rashness and chivalry—have I said that the horse was being driven by a girl?—I promptly sat on the brute's head, an act which I had always been told is the correct thing to do, though, I should imagine, discouraging for the horse.

In my haste I sat down with my back to the van, so was unable to gauge the progress of the refitting work which was going on.

In an effort to convey to the crowd, which had, of course, collected, that I was in no way embarrassed, nay more, that I was well accustomed to sitting on horses' heads in the middle of Bond Street, I lit a cigarette and tried to lookblasé, no easy thing to do in the circumstances.

Small boys made tactless remarks about my personal appearance and eccentric habits, but I ignored them, feverishly thinking that this adventure would necessitate an early visit to my club. I had just decided what brand of cocktail would best meet the case when I felt a tap on my shoulder and looked up at a vast blue expanse which I realised later was a policeman.

"If you've quite finished with that there 'orse you're sitting on, young man," he said, "the leddy wants to take it 'ome."

The crowd chuckled and I rose hurriedly. Unfortunately, so did the horse, urged on, possibly by the cries and kicks of several willing helpers, or possibly by the sight of his mistress, who had come up, I hoped, to thank me.

Not only did the horse rise, but he rose at full speed and without giving me time to get my foot off the rein on which I was unwittingly standing.

My leg shot into the air and I lost all sense of direction for a few seconds. Then a slight shock, and I found myself clasping the "leddy" firmly round the neck.

At this juncture my aunt appeared.

My aunt, I should explain, is nothing if not dignified. She is built on the lines of a monitor, bluff in the bow, broad in the beam, slow and majestic of movement. Her lips were moving feebly when I saw her, but she uttered no sound, uncertain, I suppose, whether to intervene or to pretend that I was in no way connected with her.

Paralysed by her arrival, I saw her slowly take in the scene. Her eye wandered from the policeman to me, from me to the unfortunate girl to whom I still clung. I could see her jumping—no, moving ponderously—towards the wrong conclusion.

Mr. Punch, what would you have done?

Yours faithfully, An N.O.

[Your first thought should have been for the girl, whom you had clearly compromised in your aunt's eyes. You should at once have introduced her to that lady as your long-lostfiancée. Later in the afternoon you could have called on your relative and told her that you had mislaid the girl again—this time irretrievably.—Ed.]

THE FOLLY OF ATHENS. ATHENA (to her Owl). "SAY 'TINO'!" THE OWL. "YOU FORGET YOURSELF. I'M NOT A PARROT. I'M THE BIRD OF WISDOM."THE FOLLY OF ATHENS.Athena(to her Owl). "SAY 'TINO'!"The Owl. "YOU FORGET YOURSELF. I'M NOT A PARROT. I'M THE BIRD OF WISDOM."

Athena(to her Owl). "SAY 'TINO'!"

The Owl. "YOU FORGET YOURSELF. I'M NOT A PARROT. I'M THE BIRD OF WISDOM."

Monday, November 15th.—To induce the House of Lords to accept a measure for the compulsory acquisition of land is analogous to the process of getting butter out of a dog's mouth; and it is not surprising that LordPeelessayed the task of getting a second reading for an Acquisition of Lands Bill in rather gingerly fashion. When one remembered a racy correspondence in the newspapers over certain Midlothian farms one could hardly have been surprised if the Laird ofDalmenyhad reappeared in the arena, flourishing his claymore. But, alas! he still remains in retirement, and it was left to LordSumnerto administer some sound legal thwacks and, in his own words, to "dispel the mirage which the noble Viscount raised over the sand of a very arid Bill." He did not oppose the Second Reading, but hinted that if ever it emerged from Committee its own draftsman would not knowit.

ThePresident of the Board of Trademust regard Monday with rather mixed feelings. That is the day on which Questions addressed to his Department have first place on the Order-paper; and accordingly he has a lively quarter-of-an-hour in coping with the contradictory conundrums of Cobdenites and Chamberlainites. On the whole he treads the fiscal tight-rope with an imperturbability worthy ofBlondin. A Tariff Reformer, indignant at the increased imports of foreign glass-ware, provoked the query, "Does my hon. friend regard bottles as a key-industry?" And a Wee Free Trader who sarcastically inquired if foreign countries complained of our dumping cement on them at prices much above the cost in this country was promptly told that "that is the very reverse of dumping."

THE OVERLOADED OMNIBUS. Conductor ADDISON (to Driver LAW). "WHAT, YOU CAN'T GET 'OME BY CHRISTMAS WITH ALL THEM PASSENGERS ON TOP? WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME BEFORE I TOOK 'EM ON?"THE OVERLOADED OMNIBUS.ConductorAddison(to DriverLaw)."What, you can't get 'ome by Christmas with all them passengers on top? Well, why didn't you tell me before I took 'em on?"

ConductorAddison(to DriverLaw)."What, you can't get 'ome by Christmas with all them passengers on top? Well, why didn't you tell me before I took 'em on?"

SirDonald Macleanwas rewarded to-night for all his uphill work as leader of the Wee Frees before—and since—Mr.Asquith'sreappearance. On the Financial Resolution of the Ministry of Health Bill his eloquent plea for the harassed ratepayers received an almost suspiciously prompt response from Mr.Bonar Law, who admitted that it was inconvenient to drive an "omnibus" measure of this kind through an Autumn Session, and intimated that thirteen of its clauses would be jettisoned. An appeal from LadyAstor, that the Government should not "economise in health," fell upon deaf ears. Dr.Addisonnot only enumerated the thirteen doomed clauses, but threw in a fourteenth for luck.

Tuesday, November 16th.—I don't suppose LordCreweand the other noble Lords who enlarged upon the theme "Persicos odi" expected to embarrass theForeign Secretaryby their cross-questioning. Persia is to LordCurzonwhat "de brier-patch" was toBrer Rabbit. He has been cultivating it all his life, and knows every twist and turn of its complicated history, ancient and modern. The gist of his illuminating lecture to the Peers was that our one aim had been to maintain Persian independence with due regard to British interests, and that it now rested with the Persians themselves to decide their own destiny.

BRER RABBIT IN HIS ELEMENT. LORD CURZON.BRERRABBITIN HIS ELEMENT.Lord Curzon.

Lord Curzon.

Hopes of a relaxation of the passport restrictions were a little dashed by Mr.Harmsworth'sannouncement that the fees received for British visas amounted to some fifty per cent. more than the cost of the staff employed. The Government will naturally be loth to scrap a Department which actually earns its keep.

TheWar Ministerwas again badgered about the hundred Rolls-Royces that he had ordered for Mesopotamia. Now that we were contemplating withdrawal was it necessary to have them? To this Mr.Churchillreplied that the new Arab State would still require our assistance. A mental picture of the sheikhs taking joy-rides in automobilesde luxepresented itself to Mr.Hogge, who gave notice that he should "reduce" the Army Estimates by the price of the chassis. A little later Mr.Churchillcame down heavily on an innocent Coalitionist who had proffered suggestions as to the better safeguarding of the troops in Ireland. "Odd as it may seem," he told him, "this aspect of the question has engaged the attention of the military authorities."

In the course of debate on the Agricultural Bill, Mr.Aclandhinted that SirF. Banbury, one of its severest critics, was out of touch with rural affairs. Whereupon Mr.Pretymancame to the rescue with the surprising revelation that the junior Member for the City of London, in addition to his vocations as banker, stockbroker andrailway director, had on one occasion carried out the functions of "shepherd to a lambing flock." The right hon. Baronet, who is known to his intimates as "Peckham," will have Mr.Pretymanto thank if hissobriquetin future is "Little Bo-Peep."

Wednesday, November 17th.—The Lords, having welcomed the Bishop ofDurham—a notable addition to the oratorical strength of the Episcopal Bench—proceeded to show that even the lay peers had not much to learn in the matter of polite invective. LordGainfordinvited them to declare that the Government should forthwith reduce its swollen Departmental staffs and incidentally relieve our open spaces from the eyesores that now disfigure them. Perhaps he laid overmuch stress upon the latter part of his motion, for the Ministerial spokesman rode off on this line—LordCrawfordconfessing that his artistic sensibility was outraged by these "horrible hutments"—and said very little about cutting down the staffs. This way of treating the matter dissatisfied the malcontents, who voted down the Ministry.

AMOR TRIUMPHANS. (After the Pompeii mosaic.) WITH MR. PUNCH'S BEST WISHES TO CAPTAIN WEDGWOOD BENN.AMOR TRIUMPHANS.(After the Pompeii mosaic.)With Mr. Punch's best wishes to Captain Wedgwood Benn.

(After the Pompeii mosaic.)

With Mr. Punch's best wishes to Captain Wedgwood Benn.

The Front Opposition Bench in the Commons was almost deserted at Question-time. Presently the appearance of Lieut.-CommanderKenworthyin unusually festive attire furnished an explanation. After forty years of bachelorship and four of fighting,Wedgwood Bennis Benedict indeed; and his colleagues were attending his wedding-festivities.

TheSecretary to the Admiraltyhas not yet attained to the omniscience in Naval affairs that his predecessor acquired in the course of twelve years' continuous occupancy of the post. But SirJames Craigcan handle an awkward questioner no less deftly than "Dr.Mac." Witness his excuse for not replying to a "Supplementary":—"The hon. and gallant gentleman must understand that I attach so much importance to his questions that I wish to be most punctilious in my answers." Who could persist after that?

Mr.Bonar Lawstated that the treaties by which Great Britain and France were responsible for constitutional government in Greece came to an end in August last. Consequently the two Powers have "a completely free hand" in regard to the Greek Monarchy. But he begged to be excused from saying in what manner that "free hand" would bee used ifTinoshould think of returning.

Thursday, November 18th.—In the Lords the Acquisition of Land Bill had most of its teeth drawn. LordSumnerwas the most adroit of the many operators employed, and he used no gas.

The usual dreary duel of Nationalist insinuation and Ministerial denial in regard to Irish happenings was lightened by one or two interludes. Mr.Jack Jonesloudly suggested that the Government should send for GeneralLudendorffto show them how to carry out reprisals. "He is no friend ofmine," retorted theChief Secretary, with subtle emphasis. Later he read a long letter from the C.-in-C. of the Irish Republican Army to his Chief of Staff discussing the possibility of enlisting the germs of typhoid and glanders in their noble fight for freedom. The House listened with rapt attention until SirHamarcame to the pious conclusion, "God bless you all." Amid the laughter that followed this anti-climax Mr.Devlinwas heard to ask, "Was not the whole thing concocted in Dublin Castle?" Well, if so, Dublin Castle must have developed a sense of humour quite foreign to its traditions. Perhaps that is the reason why thePrime Minister, earlier in the Sitting, expressed the opinion that "things in Ireland are getting much better."

DRAMATIC SCENES AT BILBURY QUARTER SESSIONS.

Counsel for Prosecution arrives from London.

The Proceedings.

Notes on the Leading Personalities in the Great Drama.

Prisoner Adkins' Awkward Admission.

[Note.—The author is surprised, not to say pained, at the conspiracy of silence on the part of the daily Press, as a result of which he is left to write this matter up himself. However ...]

A sombre court-house of Quarter Sessions, the light with difficulty penetrating the dusty panes of the windows. On the so-called Bench sits the Bench so-called; in point of fact there are half-a-dozen ripe aldermen sitting on chairs, in the midst of which is an arm-chair, and in it Mr. Augustus Jones, the Recorder of Bilbury.

Born in 1873 of rich but respectable parents; called, with no uncertain voice, to the Bar in 1894; of a weighty corpulence and stormy visage, Mr. Jones now settles himself in his arm-chair to hear and determine all this business about Absalom Adkins and the Boots. How admirably impressive is Mr. Jones's typically English absence of hysteria, his calm, his restfulness. Indeed, give Mr. Jones five minutes to himself and it is even betting he would be fast asleep.

The Clerk of the Court with awful dignity suggests getting a move on. Mr.Blaythwaytewho, as well as Clerk of the Court is also Town Clerk of Bilbury, was born in 1850 and, having survived the intervening years, now demands the production of the prisoner from below. Looking at this dignitary one gets the poetic impression of a mass of white hair, white moustache, white whiskers, white beard and white wig, with little bits of bright red face appearing in between. From a crevice in one of these patches come the ominous words, of which we catch but a sample or two: "... Prisoner at the bar ... for that you did ... steal, take and carry away ... pairs of boots ... of our Lord the King, his crown and dignity."

At this moment there arrives in courta sinister figure wearing the wig and gown so much affected by the English Bar. Plainly a man of character and of moment; obviously selected with great care for this highly difficult and delicate matter. His features are sharp, clean-cut. One feels that they have been sharpened and cut clean this very morning. In his hand he holds the fateful brief, pregnant with damnatory facts. He makes his way into the pen reserved "For Counsel only." The usher locks him in for safety's sake.

Persons in the Drama (so far).Mr. Augustus Jones.Recorder. Born in1873.Mr. Joseph K. Blaythwayte.Clerk of the Court. Born in 1850.Absalom Adkins, of uncertain age, supposed boot-fancier.Our Lord the King, whose peace, crown and dignity are reported to have been rudely disturbed by the alleged activities of Absalom Adkins.

Persons in the Drama (so far).

Mr. Augustus Jones.Recorder. Born in1873.

Mr. Joseph K. Blaythwayte.Clerk of the Court. Born in 1850.

Absalom Adkins, of uncertain age, supposed boot-fancier.

Our Lord the King, whose peace, crown and dignity are reported to have been rudely disturbed by the alleged activities of Absalom Adkins.

Who is this strong silent man, this robed counsellor trusted with the case of the Crown? Who is it? It is I! Born in the year—but if I'm to tell my life story it's a thousand pounds I want. Make it guineas and I will include portraits of self and relations, with place of birth, inset.

The scenario (or do we mean the scene?) is now complete. Leading characters, minor characters, chorus, supernumeraries and I myself are all on the stage. Absalom Adkins, clad in a loose-fitting corduroy lounge suit and his neck encased in a whitish kerchief, rises from his seat. Mr. Jones, the Recorder, does much as he was doing before—nothing in particular. Counsel for the prosecution re-reads his brief, underlines the significant points, forgets that his pencil is a blue one and licks it. On a side-table, impervious to their surroundings and apparently unconcerned with their significance, sit the crucial boots.

"How say you, Absalom Adkins"—such the concluding words of the Clerk, the finish of the prologue which rings up the curtain on this human drama—"how say you? Are you guilty or not guilty?"

"Guilty," says Absalom, and that ends it.

Later a large and enthusiastic crowd outside (had there been one) might have seen a man with clean and sharp-cut features carrying a bag in one hand and an umbrella in the other, stepping lightly on to a Bilbury corporation tram, station bound. This is the counsel for the prosecution (still me), his grave responsibilities honourably discharged, hurrying back to the vortex of metropolitan life.

F. O. L.

Vicar. "I UNDERSTAND FROM THE DOCTOR THAT YOUR HUSBAND IS HEARING BETTER WITH THIS EAR." Darby. "EH, WHAT? WHAT'S 'E SAY, JOAN?" Joan. "'E SAYS 'E UNDERSTANDS FROM THE DOCTOR THAT YOU'RE 'EARING BETTER WITH THAT THERE."Vicar."I understand from the doctor that your husband is hearing better with this ear."Darby."Eh, what? What's 'e say, Joan?"Joan."'E says 'e understands from the doctor that you're 'earing better with that there."

Vicar."I understand from the doctor that your husband is hearing better with this ear."

Darby."Eh, what? What's 'e say, Joan?"

Joan."'E says 'e understands from the doctor that you're 'earing better with that there."

From a stores catalogue:—

"The —— Wringer.Guaranteed for one year—Fair wear and tear excepted."

"The —— Wringer.

Guaranteed for one year—Fair wear and tear excepted."

There is always a catch somewhere.

"A consignment of Rumanian eggs has arrived in this country. This shipment, which is the first to arrive since the war closed this source of supply in 1914, consists of 100 cases, each containing 1914 eggs."—Scots Paper.

Referring, we trust, to the number and not the vintage.

"Contracts, Tenders, &c.The Great Northern Railway Company.Allegro moderatoNotturno ............}from StringQuartet, No. 2,in D}Borodine.stores contracts."Daily Paper.

"Contracts, Tenders, &c.

The Great Northern Railway Company.

Allegro moderatoNotturno ............}from StringQuartet, No. 2,in D}Borodine.

stores contracts."

Daily Paper.

It is generally supposed that the company entertains the idea of attempting to "soothe the savage breast" of theMinister of Transport.

I met a philosopher the other day—he is not a philosopher by profession, but an architect—who told me that, when annoyed by the anomalies and petty red-tape restrictions of life or irritated by incompetence and incivility, or even when he feels that he can amend somebody else's error or propose an improvement, it is his habit to write a letter expressing his indignation or embodying his suggestions.

After remarking that he must be kept very busy I asked him what kind of replies he got.

"Oh, I don't get any replies," he said, "because, you see, I don't send the letters; I only write them and then I tear them up."

This is how I knew that he was a philosopher.

I propose to take to philosophy myself.

To a Taxi-Driver.

Dear Sir,—(You must understand, as must all the people that I address in these epistles, that by "dear" I do not necessarily imply any affection. I employ the word because I am too old to care about breaking down harmless conventions; but I might claim in the present connection that it has more than one meaning. That indeed you will see, if you read on, is the main point of this letter.)—Dear Sir, then, you may remember me. I am the fare who hailed you on your rank at the corner of Fulham Road and Drayton Gardens last Tuesday evening at a quarter to six, and told you to drive to the Marble Arch. You put down the flag and then jumped off the box to wind up the starter. It failed, and after several attempts you had to examine the machinery. I suppose that six minutes were occupied in this way, whether because you are a bad mechanic or a careless fellow or because the engine is defective, I cannot say; all I know is that I was in a hurry and that the flag was down, but we were not moving. If you had not put the flag down I should have got out and taken another cab; but I felt that that would be unfair to you. When, however, at the end of the journey I paid you without adding any tip, and you received the money with an offensive grunt, I wished that I had been less considerate.

It is because nothing that I could have said then, in your horrid hostile mood, would have convinced you that there is any injustice to a fare at all in putting down your flag before you are properly started, that I am writing this letter. My hope is that quiet perusal may demonstrate that the fare has, at any rate, a grain of logic on his side if he looks upon himself as defrauded. We don't, you know, take your cabs for the joy of sitting in them, or for the pleasure of watching you struggling with a crank, but to be conveyed quickly from place to place. It is wrong to ask us to pay for the time spent by you in persuading your engine to behave, and it is indecent to become abusive when we act on that assumption. If I had not been so busy I should have refused to pay at all and forced you to summon me; but who has time for such costly formalities? And I might have had to lose my temper, which I have not done (much) since I read an article by a doctor saying that every such loss means an abbreviation of life. Life in a world made fit for heroes may not be any great catch, but it is better, at any rate, than passing to a region where one is apparently liable to be in constant communication with mediums.

One other thing. I have just returned from Paris, where, amid much that is unsatisfactory and besmirched by Peace, taxis remain trustworthy and plentiful. The price marked on the meter is that which the fare pays, and any number of persons may ride in the cab without extra charge. Nothing exceeds my scorn for the English taxi-driver who demands another ninepence for an additional passenger, even though only a child—nothing except my scorn for the cowardly official who conceded this monstrous imposition.

To an Administrator.

Dear Sir,—May I implore you to authorise the instant removal of the buildings in the St. James's Park lake? During the War we who find on the suspension bridge, looking West, the most beautiful late afternoon view in London, were content to endure the invasion. But we have passed the second Armistice Day, and still the huts remain, and still there is no water, and still the enchanted prospect is denied us. After all, this lake is part of London, and London ratepayers should be entitled to their city's beauties as well as its necessities.

To a Pretty Girl.

My Dear,—I want you to be a little more merciful. The other day, when your father, over the eggs and bacon, was reading out the news from Greece, with the defeat ofVenizelos, you said lightly that exile didn't matter very much becauseVenizeloswas a very old man. You then returned to the absorbing occupation of identifying Society people, reading from left to right. NowVenizelosis fifty-five years of age, and I cannot allow the term "very old" to be applied to him without protest; I am too nearly his contemporary. "Getting on," if you like, "mature," "ripe," but not "very old." You must keep that phrase for the people who—well, whoarevery old.

To a Haberdasher.

Dear Sir,—When I came to put on the collar that I bought from you yesterday (I am the tallish customer who takes sixteen and a half by two and was in a hurry to get home to dress) I found that your young man's finger-marks were on it. Why don't you make your assistants wear gloves when they handle collars?

To a Minister of Religion.

Your Far-from-serene Gloominess,—Won't you one day be a little cheerful, and wrong? Won't you send out a lifeboat to the wreck instead of watching her through your smoked field-glasses as she sinks? What you seem to forget is that most people at times are their own Gloomy Deans: some of us too often; and there can be too much of a good thing. Hopelessness butters no parsnips and it is a mood not to be encouraged or the world would be as bad as we then think it. Gloomy-deaniness, though salutary for brief intervals, should be sparingly indulged in; but you are at it all the time. There is a Chinese proverb which says, "If you can't smile don't open a shop;" and, after all, St. Paul's Cathedral is in a manner of speaking a kind of shop, isn't it?—the goods, at any rate, should be obtainable there. The phrase "there is no health in us" does not constitute the whole liturgy. Down with facile optimists by all means, but, my dear Sir——

E. V. L.

The Ermine.

The ermine is not quite as grand as he sounds;As a rule he is shot if he comes in the grounds;You have seen him about by the mulberry-tree,Though I very much doubt if you knew it was he.He is shot with a gun and hung up by the throat,For the ermine, my son, is the same as the stoat;So when Auntie has got just a little more ermineYou can tell her (or not) she is covered with vermin.

The ermine is not quite as grand as he sounds;As a rule he is shot if he comes in the grounds;You have seen him about by the mulberry-tree,Though I very much doubt if you knew it was he.

The ermine is not quite as grand as he sounds;

As a rule he is shot if he comes in the grounds;

You have seen him about by the mulberry-tree,

Though I very much doubt if you knew it was he.

He is shot with a gun and hung up by the throat,For the ermine, my son, is the same as the stoat;So when Auntie has got just a little more ermineYou can tell her (or not) she is covered with vermin.

He is shot with a gun and hung up by the throat,

For the ermine, my son, is the same as the stoat;

So when Auntie has got just a little more ermine

You can tell her (or not) she is covered with vermin.

A. P. H.

"Col. —— was unable to be present, and altogether the event was highly successful."Local Paper.

"Col. —— was unable to be present, and altogether the event was highly successful."

Local Paper.

First Pugilist. "YOU'RE STANDING ON MY FOOT." Second Pugilist. "WELL, WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE TO DO ABOUT IT?" First Pugilist. "I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I'LL DO ABOUT IT—FOR A PURSE OF TEN THOUSAND POUNDS AND THE CINEMA RIGHTS."First Pugilist."You're standing on my foot."Second Pugilist."Well, what do you propose to do about it?"First Pugilist."I'll show you what I'll do about it—for a purse of ten thousand pounds and the cinema rights."

First Pugilist."You're standing on my foot."

Second Pugilist."Well, what do you propose to do about it?"

First Pugilist."I'll show you what I'll do about it—for a purse of ten thousand pounds and the cinema rights."

MORE NOTES FROM A SYNTHETIC COUNTRY DIARY.

November 20th.—I have been much struck this morning by a remarkable instance of protective mimicry on the part of a grey squirrel, which assumes attitudes and adopts gestures which at a little distance render him almost indistinguishable from a small monkey.White'sSelbornethrows no light on this strange phenomenon, which I can only explain as a result on the animal world of the now fashionableTarzancult, which so happily reconciles the old hostility between apes and angels.

Of the habits and customs of the hedgehog mention has already been made in these notes. It may be added that the whistle which these interesting creatures emit from time to time resembles thetimbreof a muted piccolo, and their employment in a mixed orchestra is well worth the consideration of our younger and more enterprising composers. Another animal which shares with the hedgehog the defensive faculty of rolling itself up in a ball is the "pill millipede," a myriopod with seventeen pairs of legs, but fortunately exempt from the necessity of wearing trousers, which at present prices would impose an exorbitant demand on its resources.

As winter draws on the evolutions of birds great and small are a never-ending source of surprise and delight. Many hooded crows are now to be seen consorting with the rooks in the field and swelling the sable multitude that flies at evensong towards the park trees. And great congregations of plovers, curiously self-sufficing in their ability to dispense with the services of any feathered parson, lend colour and subconscious uplift to marshland scenes, which would otherwise look extremelytriste.

Small indigenous birds, such as titmice, chipmunks, pipits and squinches, are constantly seen in coveys or even bevies just now. A party of pipwinks visited my copse yesterday afternoon, and indulged in deliciousmorceauxof melody before the red sun sank starkly below the horizon....

As long as the weather remains open I find it a good plan to plant flowers and shrubs which bloom in the spring. Proticipation is a cardinal asset in the outfit of the judicious gardener, and no time should be lost in completing the spring beds, as the cost of hair-mattresses is going up by leaps and bounds.

There are decimal dots which we can't do withoutIn spite of LordRandolph'shistorical flout;There are dots too, with dashes combined, in the modeFamiliar in Morse's beneficent code;While some British parents good reasons advanceIn favour of "dots" as they're managed in France.But as for the writers disdainful of plotsWho pepper their pages with plentiful dots,They must not complain if the critics of proseDisapprove of a practice which savours of pose,And, searching around for an adequateὅτι,Proclaim it a sign of a brain that is dotty.

There are decimal dots which we can't do without

In spite of LordRandolph'shistorical flout;

There are dots too, with dashes combined, in the mode

Familiar in Morse's beneficent code;

While some British parents good reasons advance

In favour of "dots" as they're managed in France.

But as for the writers disdainful of plots

Who pepper their pages with plentiful dots,

They must not complain if the critics of prose

Disapprove of a practice which savours of pose,

And, searching around for an adequateὅτι,

Proclaim it a sign of a brain that is dotty.

From an article on "Back to Germany":—

"The quiet, old-fashioned restaurants, where in the old days I have seen field-marshals' batons hanging up in the cloak-room, know them no more."—Daily Paper.

Nowadays the German Field-Marshal takes his baton into the dining-room to stir his soup.

"Will You Kiss Me?"

Even before the era of Prohibition (there were cocktails in this play) strange things must have happened in "God's own country" under the banner of the Bird of Freedom. But never so strange as the effects you get on the stage when very English people play at being Americans. You have to be rather young and unsophisticated if such phrases as "He's putting it over on us," or "I'm not going to stand for that," generously peppered about the dialogue and recited in the purest of English accents, can persuade you to believe that you are getting the real local stuff. At the same time you accept cheerfully the most farcical conditions on the vague assumption that all things may be possible over there.

So, whenJohn W. Brook, of Fifth Avenue, millionaire, engaged the services ofAlexander Y. Hedge, plenipotentiary representative of an Efficiency Company, to introduce economic reforms into his motherless household during his temporary absence, we regarded it as a most reasonable experiment. And for a time it made excellent fun. But after a while it began to wear thin for lack of fresh stimulus, and by the end of the Second Act there was a general feeling in the audience that something would have to be done about it.

The same thought seems to have occurred to Mr.Cyril Harcourt, the author, and he started, a little late in the day, to introduce an element of sex-romance into what so far had been an absolutely bloodless proposition. But at first it was with sinister intent thatBrook'selder daughter made advances toAlexander Y. Hedge. As soon as she could induce this monster of inhumanity to become a prey to her charm she would repulse him with scorn, and then he would have to go.

The children's allowances having been cut off on the ground that they did nothing to earn them, she offered her services as his paid secretary. "Propinquity" did its work and she was soon in a position to offer him the privilege of an experimental kiss, thus incidentally justifying the dreadful title of the play.

The first, delivered on the cheek, was a wash-out; but the second, pressed home on the lips, had the desired effect. Then she turned and rent him, telling him exactly what she thought of his treatment of the family. He replied with an eloquent philippic directed at the vices of a bloated aristocracy (this was the ante-bellum age, before things had been made so much safer for democracy). Almost before the applause of the gallery had died down, the father burst upon the scene, furious at the report that this hired commercial had been making love to his daughter.

STEPS TOWARD EFFICIENCY. Horace, the Butler (MR. C. V. FRANCE) lengthens his stride in obedience to Alexander Y. Hedge (MR. DONALD CALTHROP).STEPS TOWARD EFFICIENCY.Horace, the Butler(Mr. C. V. France) lengthens his stride in obedience toAlexander Y. Hedge(Mr. Donald Calthrop).

Horace, the Butler(Mr. C. V. France) lengthens his stride in obedience to

Alexander Y. Hedge(Mr. Donald Calthrop).

Explanations follow which appease his wrath, and he is further mollified by the statement that the Master of Efficiency had cut down the expenses of hisménageby some nineteen thousand dollars. But why, when his feats of economy had all the time been the matter of his offence in the children's eyes, the announcement of the total should have favourably affected the girl's heart I cannot say, and I don't think anybody else can. Yet the fact remains that the next moment she undertakes to marry the object of her previous loathing.

To have arrived naturally at such an end would have meant a couple more Acts, in which the manHedgemight have had time to live down the evil effects of his efficiency. But with so much economy in the air the author appears to have caught the infection of it and economised in his processes to save our time. That is the kindest excuse I can find for him.

As for the moral, it would seem to be that, if (as is more than probable) you have no copy of the works ofAristotlein your Fifth Avenue library, and imagine, never having heard of the happy mean, that virtue lies in one of two excesses—an excess of idle luxury or an excess of efficiency—the former is the one to choose.

Mr.Donald CalthropasHedgebore the burden of the play with a high hand that had a very sure touch. It was extraordinary with what alertness and confidence he commanded every situation—except, of course, the absurd climax which nobody could hope to handle. Mr.C. V. France, as the English butler (ex-clergyman) who had taken a long time to learn how to disfigure his aspirates (out of deference to the American legend), gave a very fresh and attractive performance. Some of the best things in the dialogue—not always very humorous—were given to littleAlice Brook(aged 14), one of those precocities for which America has always held the world's record. I don't know, and should not think of asking, MissAnn Trevor'sage, but she looked to me a little old for the part of this child, however precocious. MissMarjorie Gordonplayed with intelligence as the elder sister, but never for a moment suggested a New York atmosphere. Indeed she adopted just the mincing kind of speech which out there is held to bewray the "Britisher." The only performance that made any real pretence of being American was that of Mr.Turnbullas the manager of the Efficiency Company.

Still, after all, local colour is no great matter so long as you get some recognisable aspect, though farcically presented, of human nature; but the trouble with this play is that while our sense of the probabilities is never too much outraged so long as the chief character is just a piece of inhuman machinery, the author lapses into the incredible the moment he tries to introduce a little humanity into his scheme. However, I have perhaps taken things too seriously, instead of being properly grateful for some very good entertainment.

O. S.

"Miss —— takes Orders for Knitted Skirts, Jerseys, and Hats to match. Also, Gent.'s Cardigan Coats and Hand-Painted Blouses."Scots Paper.

"Miss —— takes Orders for Knitted Skirts, Jerseys, and Hats to match. Also, Gent.'s Cardigan Coats and Hand-Painted Blouses."

Scots Paper.

"The Rev. W. E. —— based the subject of his discourse on 'The Foolish Virgins.' A large number were present."South African Paper.

"The Rev. W. E. —— based the subject of his discourse on 'The Foolish Virgins.' A large number were present."

South African Paper.

We trust they were edified.

"The discovery of Saturn's rings was made by Galileo in 1610 through his little refractory telescope."—Welsh Paper.

The difficulty with this kind of instrument is to make it shut up.

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