THE LYING SPIRIT.

"Though to rule the waves, we may believe they aspire,If their Navy grow great, we must let it;But if one British island they think to acquire,Bless their hearts, don't they wish they may get it?"

"Though to rule the waves, we may believe they aspire,

If their Navy grow great, we must let it;

But if one British island they think to acquire,

Bless their hearts, don't they wish they may get it?"

And theyhavegot it!

THE LYING SPIRIT.

What is this yourPunchhears of you? Can't you dissipate his fears?Did the bugle ring out vainly for the British Grenadiers?Once the regiment was famous for its deeds of derring-do,And you followed where the flag went when on alien winds it flew.Has the soldiers' "oath of duty" been forgotten, that you shirk,Not the face of foe, we're certain, but this kit-inspecting work?You have trodden paths of glory (we have seen your banners fly)Where the murky smoke of battle gathered thickly o'er the sky;Can you thus besmirch the laurels that in other days you won,By forgetfulness of duties that by soldiers must be done?Egad! my gallant lads, yourPunchcan scarce believe his ears,When he hears this shocking story of the British Grenadiers!

What is this yourPunchhears of you? Can't you dissipate his fears?

Did the bugle ring out vainly for the British Grenadiers?

Once the regiment was famous for its deeds of derring-do,

And you followed where the flag went when on alien winds it flew.

Has the soldiers' "oath of duty" been forgotten, that you shirk,

Not the face of foe, we're certain, but this kit-inspecting work?

You have trodden paths of glory (we have seen your banners fly)Where the murky smoke of battle gathered thickly o'er the sky;Can you thus besmirch the laurels that in other days you won,By forgetfulness of duties that by soldiers must be done?Egad! my gallant lads, yourPunchcan scarce believe his ears,When he hears this shocking story of the British Grenadiers!

You have trodden paths of glory (we have seen your banners fly)

Where the murky smoke of battle gathered thickly o'er the sky;

Can you thus besmirch the laurels that in other days you won,

By forgetfulness of duties that by soldiers must be done?

Egad! my gallant lads, yourPunchcan scarce believe his ears,

When he hears this shocking story of the British Grenadiers!

The Hostessis receiving her Guests at the head of the staircase; aConscientiously Literal Manpresents himself.

Hostess(with a gracious smile, and her eyes directed to the people immediately behind him).Soglad you were able to come—how do youdo?

The Conscientiously Literal Man. Well, if you had asked me that question this afternoon, I should have said was in for a severe attack of malarial fever—I had all the symptoms—but, about seven o'clock this evening, they suddenly passed off, and—

[Perceives, to his surprise, that his Hostess's attention is wandering, and decides to tell her the rest later in the evening.

Mr. Clumpsole. How do you do, Miss THISTLEDOWN? Can you give me a dance?

Miss Thistledown(who has danced with him before—once). With pleasure—let me see, the third extra after supper? Don't forget.

Miss Brushleigh(to Major Erser). Afraid I can't give you anything just now—but if you see me standing about later on, you can come and ask me again, you know.

Mr. Boldover(glancing eagerly round the room as he enters, and soliloquizing mentally). She ought to be here by this time, if she's coming—can't see her though—she's certainly not dancing. There's her sister over there with the mother. Shehasn'tcome, or she'd be with them. Poor-looking lot of girls here to-night—don't think much of this music—get away as soon as I can, nogoabout the thing!... Hooray! There she is, after all! Jolly waltz this is they're playing! How pretty she's looking—how prettyallthe girls are looking! If I can only get her to give me one dance, and sit out most of it somewhere! I feel as if I could talk to her to-night. By Jove, I'll try it!

[Watches his opportunity, and is cautiously making his way towards his divinity, when he is intercepted.

Mrs. Grappleton. Mr. BOLDOVER, I do believe you were going tocutme! (Mr. B. protests and apologises.) Well,Iforgive you. I've been wanting to have another talk with you for ever so long. I've been thinking somuchof what you said that evening about BROWNING'S relation to Science and the Supernatural. Suppose you take me downstairs for an ice or something, and we can have it out comfortably together.

[Dismay ofMr. B.,who has entirely forgotten any theories he may have advanced on the subject, but has no option but to comply; as he leaves the room withMrs. GRAPPLETONon his arm, he has a torturing glimpse ofMiss ROUNDARM,apparently absorbed in her partner's conversation.

Mr. Senior Roppe(as he waltzes). Oh, you needn't feel convicted of extraordinary ignorance, I assure you, Miss FEATHERHEAD. YOU would be surprised if you knew how many really clever persons have found that simple little problem of nought divided by one too much for them. Would you have supposed, by the way, that there is a reservoir in Pennsylvania containing a sufficient number of gallons to supply all London for eighteen months? You don't quite realise it, I see. "How many gallons is that?" Well, let me calculate roughly—taking the population of London at four millions, and the average daily consumption for each individual at—no, I can't work it out with sufficient accuracy while I am dancing; suppose we sit down, and I'll do it for you on my shirt-cuff—oh, very well; then I'll work it out when I get home, and send you the result to-morrow, if you will allow me.

Mr. Culdersack(who has provided himself beforehand with a set of topics for conversation—to his partner, as they halt for a moment). Er—(consults some hieroglyphics on his cuff stealthily)—have you read STANLEY'S book yet?

Miss Tabula Raiser. No, I haven't. Is it interesting?

Mr. Culdersack. I can't say. I've not seen it myself. Shall we—er—?

[They take another turn.

Mr. C.I suppose you have—er—been to the (hesitates between the Academy and the Military Exhibition—decides on latter topic as fresher) Military Exhibition?

Miss T.R.No—not yet. What do you think of it?

Mr. C.Oh—Ihaven't been either. Er—do you care to—?

[They take another turn.

Mr. C.(after third halt). Er—do you take any interest in politics?

Miss T.R.Not a bit.

Mr. C.(much relieved). No more do I. (Considers that he has satisfied all mental requirements). Er—let me take you down-stairs for an ice.

[They go.

Mrs. Grappleton(re-entering withMr. BOLDOVER,after a discussion that has outlasted two ices and a plate of strawberries). Well, I thought you would have explained my difficulties better thanthat—oh, what adeliciouswaltz! Doesn't it set you longing to dance?

Mr. B.(who seesMiss ROUNDARMin the distance, disengaged). Yes, I really think I must—

[Preparing to escape.

Mrs. Grappleton. I'm getting such an old thing, that really I oughtn't to—but well, just thisonce, as my husband isn't here.

[MR. BOLDOVERresigns himself to necessity once more.

First Chaperon(to 2nd ditto). How sweet it is of your eldest girl to dance with that absurd Mr. CLUMPSOLE! It's really toobadof him to make such an exhibition of her—one can't help smiling at them!

Second Ch.Oh, ETHEL never can bear to hurt anyone's feelings—so different from some girls! By the way, I've not seenyourdaughter dancing to-night—men who dance are so scarce nowadays—I suppose they think they have the right to be a little fastidious.

First Ch.BELLA has been out so much this week, that she doesn't care to dance except with a really first-rate partner. She is not so easily pleased as your ETHEL, I'm afraid.

Second Ch.ETHEL isyoung, you see, and, when one is pressed so much to dance, one can hardly refuse,canone? When she has had as many Seasons as BELLA, she will be less energetic, I daresay.

[MR. BOLDOVERhas at last succeeded in approachingMiss ROUNDARM,and even in inducing her to sit out a dance with him; but, having led her to a convenient alcove, he finds himself totally unable to give any adequate expression to the rapture he feels at being by her side.

Mr. B.(determined to lead up to it somehow). I—I was rather thinking—(hemeantto say, "devoutly hoping," but, to his own bitter disgust, it comes out like this)—I should meet you here to-night.

Miss R.Were you? Why?

Mr. B.(with a sudden dread of going too far just yet). Oh, (carelessly), you know how onedoeswonder who will be at a place, and who won't.

Miss R.No, indeed, I don't.—howdoes one wonder?

Mr. B.(with a vague notion of implying a complimentary exception in her case). Oh, well, generally—(with the fatal tendency of a shy man to a sweeping statement)—one may be pretty sure of meeting just the people one least wants to see, you know.

Miss R.And so you thought you would probably meet me. Isee.

Mr. B.(overwhelmed with confusion, and not in the least knowing what he says). No, no, I didn't think that—I hoped you mightn't—I mean, I was afraid you might—

[Stops short, oppressed by the impossibility of explaining.

Miss R.You are not very complimentary to-night, are you?

Mr. B.I can't pay compliments—toyou—I don't know how it is, but I never can talk to you as I can to other people!

Miss R.Are you amusing when you are with other people?

Mr. B.At all events I can find things to say tothem.

Enter Another Man.

Another Man(toMiss B.). Our dance, I think?

Miss R.(who had intended to get out of it). I was wondering if you ever meant to come for it. (ToMr. B.,as they rise.) Now I shan't feel I am depriving the other people! (Perceives the speechless agony in his expression, and relents.) Well, you can have the next after this if you care about it—onlydotry to think of something in the meantime! (As she goes off.) You will—won't you?

Mr. B.(to himself). She's given me another chance! If only I can rise to it. Let me see—what shall I begin with?Iknow—Supper!She hasn't been down yet.

His Hostess. Oh, Mr. BOLDOVER, you're not dancing this—do be good and take someone down to supper—those poor Chaperons are dying for some food.

[Mr. B.takes down a Matron whose repast is protracted through three waltzes and a set of Lancers—he comes up to findMiss ROUNDARM gone,and the Musicians putting up their instruments.

Coachman at door(toLinkman,asMr. B.goes down the steps). That's thelot, JIM!

[Mr. B.walks home, wishing the Park Gates were not shut, to as to render the Serpentine inaccessible

SHADOWING AT HENLEY REGATTA.TOBY, M.P., TAKES AN INSTANTANEOUS PHOTOGRAPH WITH HIS DETECTIVE CAMERA IN THE BOW OF MR. PUNCH'S BOAT, WITH THE ABOVE EXTRAORDINARY RESULT.

"THE SHADOWLESS MAN."(Latest Irish Edition of the Old German Romance.)[In the course of the Debate last Monday week, Mr. DILLON said, "I was never shadowed."]

House of Commons, Monday, July 7.—Cabinet Council on Saturday; House begins to think it's time Ministers made up their minds what they're going to do with business of Session. But OLD MORALITY returns customary answer. Ministry still carefully considering question. Meantime he has nothing to say.

"Except in respect of sex and age, O.M. reminds me." said ALBEBT ROLLIT, "of scene in play recently put on stage by BEERBOHM TREE—A Man's Shadowit was called. Daresay you remember, TOBY; there's a murder witnessed through window by wife and little daughter. They think it's their man that did the deed; but 'twas the other fellow—the Shadow, don't you know. There is police inquiry; mother and daughter cross-examined; believe the murderer is the husband and father; saw him do it with their own eyes; but of course not going to peach; little girl pressed to tell all she knows; makes answer in voice that thrills Gallery, and makes mothers in the Pit weep, 'I have seen nothing, I have heard nothing.' Never see OLD MORALITY come to the table, as he is now accustomed nightly to do, and protest he has no statement to make, than I think of the little TERRY in this Scene, and her wailing, piteous cry, 'I have seen nothing, I have heard nothing.' Quite time he had, though. If Ministers can't make up their minds, what's the House to do? Begin to think if things don't mend soon, I shall have a better record of business done to show at end of Session than the Ministry. Bankruptcy Bill will make three Measures to me this Session."

Irish Constabulary Vote on; Prince ARTHUR lounging on Treasury Bench; prepares to receive Irishry; engagement opens a little flat, with speech from JOHN ELLIS, oration from O'PICTON, and feeble flagellation from FLYNN. Then Prince ARTHUR suddenly, unexpectedly, dashes in. Empty benches fill up; stagnant pool stirred to profoundest depths: ARTHUR professes to be tolerant of Irish Members, but declares himself abhorrent of connivance of Right Hon. Gentleman above Gangway. Talks at Mr. G., who begins visibly to bristle before our very eyes as he sits attentive on Front Bench. ARTHUR in fine fighting trim; Ministerial bark may be labouring in troubled waters; a suddenly gathered storm, coming from all quarters, has surrounded, and threatens to whelm it; MATTHEWS may be sinking under adversity; the Postmen may pull down RAIKES; GOSCHEN is gone; OLD MORALITY'S cheerful nature is being soured; there is talk of Dissolution, and death. But if this is Prince ARTHUR'S last time of defending his rule in Ireland, it shall not be done in half-hearted way. Come storm, come wrack, at least he'll die with harness on his back.

The accused becomes the accuser. Called upon to defend himself, he turns, and makes a slashing attack on his pursuers, carrying the war into their camp. Scorning the Captains and Men-at-arms, he goes straight for Mr. G., and in an instant swords clash across the table, and shields are dinted. Nothing more delightful than to hear Mr. G. complaining, as he rose, and took his coat off, that Prince ARTHUR had "dragged him into the controversy." On the whole, he bore the infliction pretty well, and went for ARTHUR neck and crop.Business done.—Irish Votes in Supply.

Tuesday.—"I have seen nothing; I have heard nothing." Pathetic refrain of OLD MORALITY murmured again to-night: Members wanted to know about various things; but in OLD MORALITY'S mind, fate of the Tithes Bill, intentions of Government touching proposed new Standing Order, and allocation of money originally intended for Publicans, all a blank. "We are still considering," says he.

"A most considerate Government," says WILFRID LAWSON. "Might save time and trouble if they had at table an automatic machine; Members wanting to know how business is to be arranged, what Bills to be dropped, and which gone forward with, could go up to table, drop a penny in the slot, and out would come the answer—'I have seen nothing; I have heard nothing.'"

Seems that HANBURY has exceptional means of obtaining information. OLD MORALITY has privately shown him Military Report with respect to Heligoland. A confidential communication, something of the kind the MARKISS carried on with the population of Heligoland. But HANBURY straightway goes and tells all about it in a letter to one of his Constituents; letter gets into papers. SUMMERS reads it out to House. Eagerly thirsting after knowledge on military matters, SUMMERS wants also to see the text of Report. Why should HANBURY have it all to himself? Quartermaster-General SUMMERS would like opportunity of studying it, and forming opinion as to accuracy of the naval and military men who have drawn up plan. Will OLD MORALITY favour him by placing him on an equality of confidence with HANBURY? No, OLD MORALITY will not. Howl of indignant despair from Radicals. Never heard of this Report before; but that HANBURY should see it, and thereby be enabled to assure his constituents, even by nods and winks, that it was all right about Heligoland, was more than they could put up with. O'PICTON sat morose at the corner seat below the Gangway. Who was HANBURY, that he should have the advantage of studying these military documents when the grand-nephew of PICTON of Waterloo was left out in the cold, his martial instincts unsatisfied, his knowledge of strategical points of the British Empire unsatiated?

Another instance this of the misfortune that pursues the Government. Little did OLD MORALITY think, when in moment of weakness he showed this important document to HANBURY, what a hornet's nest it would bring about his unoffending head.

Business done.—Irish Constabulary Vote passed.

Thursday.—At last OLD MORALITY has heard something and seen something. Heard how things went on to-day in Committee on Procedure. Worse and worse. Prince ARTHUR made curious blunder for one so alert: introduced into draft Report admission of principle that Lords might, an they pleased, refuse to consider in current Session, any Bill coming up to them from Commons. HARCOURT saw his opportunity; used it with irresistible skill and force. Committee adjourned in almost comatose state.

This is what OLD MORALITY has heard from JOKIM, who begins to think that, after all, life is a serious thing. What he sees is, that it is impossible to further delay decision about business. Accordingly announces complete surrender. All, all are gone, the old familiar faces—Land Purchase Bill, Tithe Bill, and even this later project of the new Standing Order. "What, all our pretty chicks?" cry the agonised Ministerialists.

"Yes," said OLD MORALITY, mingling his tears with theirs, "our duty to our QUEEN and Country demands this sacrifice. But," he added, bracing up, significantly eyeing Mr. G., and speaking in dear solemn tones, "we reserve to ourselves absolute freedom ofaction on a future occasion." Opposition shouted with laughter, whilst OLD MORALITY stood and stared, and wondered what was amusing them now. New Session is, according to present intentions, to open in November. Will the Land Purchase Bill be taken first? Mr. G. wants to know.

"Sir," said OLD MORALITY, "I have indicated the views of the Government as to the Land Purchase Bill, according as those views are held at the present time." (Cheers from the Ministerialists.) Encouraged by this applause, and, happy thought striking him, went on: "But it is impossible for the Government to say what circumstances may occur to qualify those views."

Once more Opposition break into storm of laughter; OLD MORALITY again regards them with dubious questioning gaze.

"Curious thing, TOBY," he said to me afterwards, "those fellows opposite always laugh when I drop in my most diplomatic sentences. It's very well for MACHIAVELLI that he didn't live in these times, and lead House of Commons instead of the Government of the Florentine Republic. He would never have opened his mouth without those Radicals and Irishmen going off into a fit of laughter."

Business done.—Announcement that businesswon'tbe done.

Friday.—Still harping on Irish Votes. Want to dock Prince ARTHUR'S salary. SWIFT MACNEILL brought down model of battering-ram used at Falcarragh; holds it up; shows it in working order; Committee much interested; inclined to encourage this sort of thing; pleasant interlude in monotony of denunciation of Prince ARTHUR and all his works; no knowing what developments may not be in store; the other night had magic-lantern performance just off Terrace; that all very well on fine night; but when it's raining must keep indoors and battering-ram suitable for indoor exhibition.

HAVELOCK wanted to borrow it, says he would like to show SCHWANN how it works; but MACNEILL couldn't spare it till Irish Votes through.

New turn given to Debate by plaintive declaration from JOHN DILLON that he has "never been shadowed." "A difficult lot to deal with," says ARTHUR, gazing curiously at the Shadowless Man. "If they are shadowed, they protest; if they're not, they repine."

Business done.—Irish Votes in Committee.

"How well your Picture bears the artificial light!"i.e., "Couldn't look worse than it does by daylight."

"Mustn't keep you on the stairs. Such heaps of your friends asking for you upstairs;"i.e., "Got rid of him, thank goodness!"

"Here you are at last! Been dodging you from room to room!"i.e., "To keep out of your way. Caught at last, worse luck!"

"You look as if you had just stepped out of a picture-frame!"i.e., "Wish you'd step back into one!"

"Not seen Mr. O'Kew's picture? Youmustsee it. Only three rooms from here, and no crowd there now. So go and bring me back word what you think;"i.e., "Now to flee!"

"Yes, I'm so fond of Cricket;"i.e., "How can I find out if Oxford or Cambridge is in?"

"Don't move, pray;"i.e., "If she doesn't, I shall be smothered in lobster-salad!"

"Not the least in my way, thanks;"i.e., "Does she think I can see through her parasol?"

"Pray join us at lunch! Heaps of room in the carriage;"i.e., "Hope she doesn't! It only holds four, and we're six already."

"Don't they call a hit to the left like that, a Drive?"i.e., "Young-rich—good-looking—worth catching—looks as if he liked 'sweet simplicity.'"

"Has at heart the best interests of the Borough;"i.e., Means to subscribe largely to all local clubs and charities.

"The honour of representing you in Parliament;"i.e., "The pleasure of advertising myself."

"I should wish to keep my mind open on that subject;"i.e., "I cannot afford to commit myself just yet."

"I have never heard such an astounding argument;"i.e., "Since I last employed it myself."

"To come to the real question at issue;"i.e., "To introduce my one strong point."

"I do not pledge myself to these figures;"i.e., "The next speaker will very likely show them to be absolutely unreliable."

"Oh, as to all that, I quite agree with you;"i.e., "I wasn't listening."

"I rather understood that you were arguing, &c., &c.;"i.e., "You are now flatly contradicting yourself."

Captain(to Subaltern). Have you proved them?

Subaltern. Sorry, Sir, but the men say they know their places, and it is useless labour.

Capt.Very well—I daresay they are right. You know we have been told to be conciliatory. Open order! March! For inspection—port arms!

Sergeant(stepping forward, and saluting). Beg pardon, Sir, but the men are under the impression that you wish to examine their rifles?

Capt.Certainly. (To Subaltern). Take the rear rank, while I look after the front.

Serg.Beg pardon, Sir, but the men haven't taken open order yet. They say that they are responsible for their rifles when they have to use them before the enemy, and you may rely upon it that they will be all right then.

Capt.Very well—then we will dispense with inspection of arms. Buttons bright, and straps in their proper places?

Serg.(doubtfully). So they say, Sir.

Capt.Well, then, read the orders.

Serg.Beg pardon, Sir, but the men say they know their duty, and don't want to listen to no orders.

Capt.Well, well, I am glad to hear that they are so patriotic. Hope that the Commanding Officer will dispense (under the circumstances) with the formality. Anything more?

Serg.Privates BROWN, JONES, and ROBINSON are told off for duty on guard, Sir.

Capt.March them off, then.

Serg.Please, Sir, they say they want to speak to you.

Capt.Very well—bring them up. (Sergeantobeys.) Now, men, what is it?

Private Brown. Please, Sir, I have got a tooth-ache.

Capt.Very well—fall out, and go to the doctor.

Private B.Please, Sir, I don't want to see no doctor. I can cure myself.

Capt.Very well—cure yourself. (Privatesalutes, and retires.) And now, JONES and ROBINSON, what do you want?

Private Jones. Please, Sir, me and ROBINSON were told off for guard six months ago, and we think it's too much to expect us to do sentry-go so soon.

Capt.Well, you know your orders.

Private J.Oh, that'll be all right, Sir! We'll explain to the War Office if there's any row about it!

[ThePrivatessalute, and retire.

Capt.Anything else, Sergeant?

Sergt.Well, no, Sir—you see the men won't do anything.

Capt.Under those circumstances, I suppose I have only to give the usual words of command. Company, attention! Right turn—dismiss!

[They dismiss.

Captain.—Now, my men, all you have to do is to keep your heads, and obey orders. Attention! Fix Bayonets!

Subaltern. Sorry to say, Sir, they have paraded without bayonets.

Capt.Well, that's to be regretted; although they are small enough nowadays, in all conscience! Fire a volley! At a thousand yards! Ready!

Sub.Very sorry. Sir, but the men forgot to bring their ammunition.

Capt.—Come, this is getting serious! Here's the Cavalry preparing to charge, and we are useless! Must move 'em off! Right turn!

Sergeant. Please, Sir, the Company's a bit rusty, and don't know their right hands from their left.

Capt.(losing his temper). Confound it! They don't, don't they! Well, hang it all, I suppose they will understand this? (To Company.) Here, you pampered useless idiots—bolt!

[They bolt.

A CUTTING (transplanted from the advertisements in theBelfast News-Letter):—

WANTED, A PARROT: one brought up in a respectable family, and that has not been taught naughty words or bigoted expressions, preferred.—Apply by letter, stating price, &c.

"Preferred!" What sort of a Parrot had they been previously accustomed to at that house?

NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

Back to Index Next