THE McGLADSTONE!

THE McGLADSTONE!"TO LAND McGLADSTONE LIGHTLY SPRANG,AND THRICE ALOUD HIS BUGLE RANGWITH NOTE PROLONG'D AND VARIED STRAIN,TILL BOLD BEN-GHOIL REPLIED AGAIN.""Lord of the Isles." Canto IV.

"TO LAND McGLADSTONE LIGHTLY SPRANG,AND THRICE ALOUD HIS BUGLE RANGWITH NOTE PROLONG'D AND VARIED STRAIN,TILL BOLD BEN-GHOIL REPLIED AGAIN.""Lord of the Isles." Canto IV.

"TO LAND McGLADSTONE LIGHTLY SPRANG,

AND THRICE ALOUD HIS BUGLE RANG

WITH NOTE PROLONG'D AND VARIED STRAIN,

TILL BOLD BEN-GHOIL REPLIED AGAIN."

"Lord of the Isles." Canto IV.

When some years ago EDMUNDUS ED. MUNDI first introduced to London the gentle art of Interviewing, the idea was in a general way a novelty in this country. It "caught on," and achieved success. Some public men affected, privately, not to like the extra publicity given to their words and actions; but it was only an affectation, and in a general way a great many suddenly found themselves dubbed "Celebrities," hall-marked as such byThe World, and able therefore to hand themselves down to posterity, in bound volumes containing this one invaluable number as having been recognised by the world at large as undoubted Celebrities, ignorance of whose existence would argue utter social insignificance. So great was theWorld'ssuccess in this particular line, that at once there sprang up a host of imitators, and the Celebrities were again tempted to make themselves still more celebrated by having good-natured caricatures of themselves made by "Age" and "Spy." After this, the deluge, of biographies, autobiographies, interviewings, photographic realities, portraits plain and coloured—many of them uncommonly plain, and some of them wonderfully coloured,—until a Celebrity who hasnotbeen done and served up, with or without a plate, is a Celebrity indeed.

"Celebrities" have hitherto been valuable to the interviewer, photographer, and proprietor of a Magazine in due proportion. Is it not high time that the Celebrities themselves have a slice or two out of the cake? If they consent to sit as models to the interviewer and photographer, let them price their own time. The Baron offers a model of correspondence on both sides, and, if his example is followed, up goes the price of "Celebrities," and, consequently, of interviewed and interviewers, there will be only a survival of the fittest.

SIR,—Messrs. TOWER, FONDLER, TROTTING & Co., are now engaged in bringing out a series of the leading Literary, Dramatic and Artistic Notabilities of the present day, and feeling that the work which has now reached its hundred-and-second number, would indeed be incomplete did it not includeyourname, the above-mentioned firm has commissioned me to request you to accord me an interview as soon as possible. I propose bringing with me an eminent photographer, and also an artist who will make a sketch of your surroundings, and so contribute towards producing a complete picture which cannot fail to interest and delight the thousands at home and abroad, to whom your name is as a household word, and who will be delighted to possess a portrait of one whose works have given them so much pleasure, and to obtain a closer and more intimate acquaintance with themodus operandipursued by one of their most favourite authors.

I remain, Sir, yours truly,

A. SOPHTE SOPER.

To theBARON DE BOOK-WORMS,Vermoulen Lodge.

DEAB SIR,—Thanks. I quite appreciate your appreciation. My terms for an article in a Magazine, are twenty guineas the first hour, ten guineas the second, and so on. For dinner-table anecdotes, the property in which once made public is lost for ever to the originator, special terms. As to photographs, I will sign every copy, and take twopence on every copy. I'm a little pressed for time now, so if you can manage it, we will defer the visit for a week or two, and then I'm your man.

Yours truly,

BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

MY DEAR BARON,—I'm afraid I didn't quite make myself understood. I did not askyouto write the article, being commissioned by the firm to do it myself. The photographs will not be sold apart from the Magazine. Awaiting your favourable response,—

I am, Sir, Yours,

A. SOPHTE SOPER.

DEAR SIR,—Iquiteunderstood. With the generous view of doing me a good turn by giving me the almost inestimable advantage of advertising myself in Messrs. TOWERS & Co.'s widely-circulated Magazine, you propose to interview me, and receive from me such orally given information as you may require concerning my life, history, work, and everything about myself which, in your opinion, would interest the readers of this Magazine. I quite appreciate all this. You propose to write the article,and I'm to find you the materials for it. Good. I don't venture to put any price on the admirable work which your talent will produce,—that's for you and your publishers to settle between you, and, as a matter of fact, it has been already settled, as you are in their employ. But Icanput a price on my own, and I do. I collaborate with you in furnishing all the materials of which you are in need.Soit.For the use of my Pegasus, no matter what its breed, and, as it isn't a gift-horse, but a hired one, you can examine its mouth and legs critically whenever you are going to mount and guide it at your own sweet will,I charge twenty guineas for the first hour, andten for the second. It may be dear, or it may be cheap. That's not my affair.C'est à laisser ou à prendre.

The Magazine in which the article is to appear is not given away with a pound of tea, or anything of that sort I presume, so that your strictly honourable and business-like firm of employers, and you also, Sir, in the regular course of your relations with them, intend making something out of me, more or less, but something, while I get nothing at all for my time, which is decidedly as valuable to me as, I presume, is yours to you. What have your publishers ever done for me that I should give them my work for nothing? Time is money; why should I make Messrs. TOWER, FONDLER & Co. a present of twenty pounds, or, for the matter of that, even ten shillings? If I misapprehend the situation, and you are doing your work gratis and for the love of the thing, then that isyouraffair, not mine: I'm glad to hear it, and regret my inability to join you in the luxury of giving away what it is an imperative necessity of my existence to sell at the best price I can. Do you honestly imagine, Sir, that my literary position will be one farthing's-worth improved by a memoir and a portrait of me appearing in your widely-circulated journal? Ifyoudo,I don't; and I prefer to be paid for my work, whether I dictate the material to a scribe, who is to serve it up in his own fashion, or whether I write it myself. And now I come to consider it, I should be inclined to make an additional charge fornotwriting it myself, Not to take you and your worthy firm of employers by surprise, I will make out beforehand a supposititious bill, and then Messrs. TOWER & Co. can close with my offer or not, as they please.

The refreshments are entirely optional, and therefore can be struck out beforehand.

Pray show the above to the eminent firm which has the advantage of your zealous services, and believe me to remain

Your most sincerely obliged

BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

To the above a reply may be expected, and, if received, it will probably be in a different tone from Mr. SOPHTE SOPER's previous communications. No matter. There's an end of it. The Baron's advice to all "Celebrities," when asked to permit themselves to be interviewed, is, in the language of the poet,—

"Charge, Chester, charge!"

then they will have benefited other Celebrities all round, and the result will be that either only those authors will be interviewed who are worth the price of interviewing, or the professional biographical compilers will have to hunt up nobodies, dress up jays as peacocks, and so bring the legitimate business of "Interviewing" into well-deserved contempt.

Two Men in a Boat. By Messrs. DILLON and O'BRIEN.

THE GRAND OLD CAMPAIGNER IN SCOTLAND.

PROPOSED RAISING OF PICCADILLY."Let the road be raised, &c.... Only one house in Piccadilly at present standing would suffer.... And I think the Badminton Club."Vile Letter to Times, Oct. 11.SUDDEN APPEARANCE OF THE PICCADILLY GOAT TO ELDERLY GENTLEMAN, WHO IS QUIETLY DRESSING IN HIS ROOM ON SECOND FLOOR.A CLUB ALMOST ENTIRELY DISAPPEARS. MEMBERS MAKE THE BEST OF THE SITUATION.

[English ladies, conscious of conversational defects, and desirous of shining in Society, may be expected to imitate their American Cousins, who, according toThe Daily News, employ a lady crammer who has made a study of the subject she teaches. Before a dinner or luncheon party, the crammer spends an hour or two with the pupil, and coaches her up in general conversation.]

It really took us by surprise,We thought her but a mere beginner,And widely opened were our eyesTo hear her brilliant talk at dinner.She always knew just what to say,And said it well, nor for a minuteWas ever at a loss,—I mayAs well confess—we men weren't in it!The talk was of Roumania's Queen,And was she equal, say, to DANTE?—The way that race was won bySheen,And not the horse calledAlicánte—Of how some charities were frauds,How some again were quite deserving—The beauties of the Norfolk broads—The latest hit of Mr. IRVING—Does sap go up or down the stem?—The Boom of Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING—The speeches of the G.O.M.—The strength of Mr. MORLEY's "stripling"WasJONAH swallowed by the whale?—The price of jute—we wondered all ifThey'd have the heart to send to gaolThose heroes, SLAVIN and McAULIFFE."Oh, maiden fair," I said at last,"To hear you talk is most delightful;But yet the time, it's clear, you've passedIn reading must be something frightful.Come—do you trouble thus your headBecause you want to go to CollegeBy getting out of Mr. STEAD£300 for General Knowledge?""Kind Sir," she promptly then replied,"Your guess, I quite admit, was clever,And, if I now in you confide,You'll keep it dark, I'm sure, for ever.Yet do not get, I pray, enraged,For how I got my informationWas simply this—I have engagedA Coach in General Conversation,"

It really took us by surprise,

We thought her but a mere beginner,

And widely opened were our eyes

To hear her brilliant talk at dinner.

She always knew just what to say,

And said it well, nor for a minute

Was ever at a loss,—I may

As well confess—we men weren't in it!

The talk was of Roumania's Queen,And was she equal, say, to DANTE?—The way that race was won bySheen,And not the horse calledAlicánte—Of how some charities were frauds,How some again were quite deserving—The beauties of the Norfolk broads—The latest hit of Mr. IRVING—

The talk was of Roumania's Queen,

And was she equal, say, to DANTE?—

The way that race was won bySheen,

And not the horse calledAlicánte—

Of how some charities were frauds,

How some again were quite deserving—

The beauties of the Norfolk broads—

The latest hit of Mr. IRVING—

Does sap go up or down the stem?—The Boom of Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING—The speeches of the G.O.M.—The strength of Mr. MORLEY's "stripling"WasJONAH swallowed by the whale?—The price of jute—we wondered all ifThey'd have the heart to send to gaolThose heroes, SLAVIN and McAULIFFE.

Does sap go up or down the stem?—

The Boom of Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING—

The speeches of the G.O.M.—

The strength of Mr. MORLEY's "stripling"

WasJONAH swallowed by the whale?—

The price of jute—we wondered all if

They'd have the heart to send to gaol

Those heroes, SLAVIN and McAULIFFE.

"Oh, maiden fair," I said at last,"To hear you talk is most delightful;But yet the time, it's clear, you've passedIn reading must be something frightful.Come—do you trouble thus your headBecause you want to go to CollegeBy getting out of Mr. STEAD£300 for General Knowledge?"

"Oh, maiden fair," I said at last,

"To hear you talk is most delightful;

But yet the time, it's clear, you've passed

In reading must be something frightful.

Come—do you trouble thus your head

Because you want to go to College

By getting out of Mr. STEAD

£300 for General Knowledge?"

"Kind Sir," she promptly then replied,"Your guess, I quite admit, was clever,And, if I now in you confide,You'll keep it dark, I'm sure, for ever.Yet do not get, I pray, enraged,For how I got my informationWas simply this—I have engagedA Coach in General Conversation,"

"Kind Sir," she promptly then replied,

"Your guess, I quite admit, was clever,

And, if I now in you confide,

You'll keep it dark, I'm sure, for ever.

Yet do not get, I pray, enraged,

For how I got my information

Was simply this—I have engaged

A Coach in General Conversation,"

MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,

Will you allow me, as one who knows Russia by heart, to express my intense admiration for the new piece at the Shaftesbury Theatre, in which is given, in my opinion, the most faithful picture of the CZAR's dominions as yet exhibited to the British Public. ACT I. is devoted to "a Street near the Banks of the Neva, St. Petersburg," and here we have a splendid view of the Winter Palace, and what I took to be the Kremlin at Moscow. On one side is the house of a money-lender, and on the other the shelter afforded to a drosky-driver and his starving family. The author, whose name must be BUCHANANOFF (though he modestly drops the ultimate syllable), gives as a second title to this portion of his wonderful work, "The Dirge for the Dead." It is very appropriate. A student, whose funds are at the lowest ebb, commits a purposeless murder, and a "pope" who has been on the look-out no doubt for years, seizes the opportunity to rush into the murdered man's dwelling, and sing over his inanimate body a little thing of his own composition. Anyone who has been in Russia will immediately recognise this incident as absolutely true to life. Amongst my own acquaintance I know three priests who did precisely the same thing—they are called BROWNOFF, JONESKI, and ROBINSONOFF.

Next we have the Palace of thePrincess Orenburg, and make the acquaintance ofAnna Ivanovna, a young lady who is the sister of the aimless murderer, and owner of untold riches. We are also introduced to the Head of Police, who, as everyone knows, is a cross between a suburban inspector, a low-class inquiry agent, and aflaneurmoving in the best Society. We find, too, naturally enough, an Englishattaché, whose chief aim is to insult an aged Russian General, whosesobriquetis, "the Hero of Sebastopol." Then the aimless murderer reveals his crime, which, of course, escapes detection save at the hands ofPrince Zosimoff, a nobleman, who I fancy, from his name, must have discovered a new kind of tooth-powder.

Next we have the "Interior of a Common Lodging House," the counterpart of which may be found in almost any street in the modern capital of Russia. There are the religious pictures, the cathedral immediately opposite, with its stained-glass windows and intermittent organ, and the air of sanctity without which no Russian Common Lodging House is complete. Needless to say thatPrince Tooth-powder—I beg pardon—andAnnalisten whileFedor Ivanovitchagain confesses his crime, this time to the daughter of the drosky-driver, for whom he has a sincere regard, and I may add, affection. Although with a well-timed scream his sister might interrupt the awkward avowal, she prefers to listen to the bitter end. This reminds me of several cases recorded in theNewgatekoff Calendaroff, a miscellany of Russian crimes.

After this we come to the Gardens of the Palace Taurida, whenFedoris at length arrested and carted off to Siberia, an excellent picture of which is given in the last Act. Those whoreallyknow Russian Society-will not be surprised to find that the Chief of the Police (promoted to a new position anda fur-trimmed coat), and the principal characters of the drama have also found their way to the Military Outpost on the borders of the dreaded region. I say dreaded, but should have added, without cause. M. BUCHANANOFF shows us a very pleasant picture. The prisoners seem to have very little to do save to preserve the life of the Governor, and to talk heroics about liberty and other kindred subjects.Prince Zosimoffattempts, for the fourth or fifth time, to makeAnnahis own—he calls the pursuit "a caprice," and it is indeed a strange one—and is, in the nick of time, arrested, by order of the CZAR. After this pleasing and natural little incident, everyone prepares to go back to St. Petersburg, with the solitary exception of the Prince, who is ordered off to the Mines. No doubt the Emperor of RUSSIA had used the tooth-powder, and, finding it distasteful to him, had taken speedy vengeance upon its presumed inventor.

I have but one fault to find with the representation. The play is capital, the scenery excellent, and the acting beyond all praise. But I am not quite sure about the title. M. BUCHANANOFF calls his play "TheSixthCommandment"—he would have been, in my opinion, nearer the mark, had he brought it into closer association with the Ninth!

Believe me, dearMr. Punch,

Yours, respectfully,

RUSS IN URBE.

"Suppose, TOBY dear boy," said the Member for Sark, "we start a garden, and work in it ourselves. TEMPLE did it, you know, when he was tired of affairs of State."

"Sir RICHARD?" I asked, never remembering to have seen the Member for Evesham in the company of a rake.

"No; CHARLES THE SECOND's Minister, who went down to Sheen two centuries before the Orleanist Princes, and grew roses. Of course I don't mean to be there much in the Session. The thing is to have something during Recess to gently engage the mind and fully occupy the body."

This conversation took place towards the end of last Session but one. By odd coincidence I had met the Member for Sark as I was coming from OLD MORALITY's room, where I had been quietly dining with him, JACKSON and AKERS-DOUGLAS made up party of four. It was second week of August; everybody tired to death. OLD MORALITY asked me to look in and join them about eight o'clock. Knocked at door; no answer; curious scurrying going round; somebody running and jumping; heard OLD MORALITY's voice, in gleeful notes, "Now then, DOUGLAS, tuck in your tuppenny! Here you are, JACKSON! keep the mill a goin'!" Knocked again; no answer; opened door gently; beheld strange sight. The Patronage Secretary was "giving a back" to the FIRST LORD of the TREASURY. OLD MORALITY, taking running jump, cleared it with surprising agility considering AKERS-DOUGLAS'S inches. Then he trotted on a few paces, folded his arms and bent his head; Financial Secretary to Treasury, clearing AKERS-DOUGLAS, took OLD MORALITY in his stride, and "tucked in his tuppenny" in turn.

Thought I had better retire. Seemed on the whole the proceedings demanded privacy; but OLD MORALITY, catching sight of me, called out, "Come along, TOBY! Only our little game. Fall in, and take your turn."

Rather afraid of falling over, but didn't like to spoil sport; cleared OLD MORALITY capitally; scrambled over AKERS-DOUGLAS; but couldn't manage JACKSON.

"I can't get over him," I said, apologetically.

"No," said AKERS-DOUGLAS, "he's a Yorkshireman."

"'Tis but a primitive pastime," observed OLD MORALITY, when, later, we sat down to dinner; "but remarkably refreshing; a great stimulant for the appetite. Indeed," he added, as he transferred a whole grouse to his plate, "I do not know anything that more forcibly brings home to the mind the truth underlying the old Greek aphorism, that a bird on your plate is worth two in the dish."

I gathered in conversation that when business gets a little heavy, when time presses, and leisure for exercise is curtailed, OLD MORALITY generally has ten minutes leap-frog before dinner.

"We used at first to play it in the corridor; an excellent place; apparently especially designed for the purpose; but we were always liable to interruption, and by putting the chairs on the table here we manage well enough. It's been the making of me, and I may add, has enabled my Right Hon. friends with increased vigour and ease to perform their duty to their QUEEN and Country. The great thing, dear TOBY, is to judiciously commingle physical exercise with mental activity. What says the great bard of Abydos?Mens sana in corpore sano, which being translated means, mens—or perhaps I should say, men—should incorporate bodily exercise with mental exercitation."

Of course I did not disclose to the Member for Sark, what had taken place in the privity of OLD MORALITY's room. That is not my way. The secret is ever sacred with me, and shall be carried with me to the silent tomb. But I was much impressed with the practical suggestions of my esteemed Leader, and allured by their evident effect upon his appetite.

"Men," continued the Member for Sark, moodily, "do all kinds of things in the Recess to make up for the inroads on the constitution suffered during the Session. They go to La Bourboule like the MARKISS and RAIKES; or they play Golf like Prince ARTHUR; or they pay visits to their Mothers-in-law in the United States, like CHAMBERLAIN and LYON PLAYFAIR; or they go to Switzerland, India, Russia, Australia, and Sierra Leone. Now if we had a garden, which we dug, and weeded, and clipped, and pruned ourselves, never eating a potato the sapling of which we had not planted, watered, and if necessary grafted, with our own hands, we should live happy, healthful lives for at least a month or two, coming back to our work having renewed our youth like the rhinoceros."

"But you don't know anything about gardening, do you?"

"That's just it. Anyone can keep a garden that has been brought up to the business. But look what chances there are before two statesmen of, I trust I may say without egotism, average intelligence, who take to gardening without, as you may say, knowing anything about it. Think of the charm of being able to call a spade a Hoe! without your companion, however contentious, capping the exclamation. Then think of the long vista of possible surprises. You dig a trench, and I gently sprinkle seed in it—"

"Excuse me," I said, "but supposingIsprinkle the seed, andyoudig the trench?"

"—The seed is carrot, let us suppose," the Member for Sark continued, disregarding my interruption, his fine face aglow with honest enthusiasm. "I, not being an adept, feeling my way, as it were, towards the perfection of knowledge, put in the seed the wrong end up, and, instead of the carrots presenting themselves to the earnest inquirer in what is, I believe, the ordinary fashion, with the green tops showing above the generous earth, and the spiral, rosy-tinted, cylindrical form hidden in the soil, the limb were to grow out of the ground, its head downward; would that be nothing, do you think? I mention that only as a possibility that flashed across my mind. There are an illimitable series of possibilities that might grow out of Our Garden. Of course we don't mean to make money out of it. It's only fair to you, TOBY, that I should, at the outset, beg you to hustle out of your mind any sordid ideas of that kind. What we seek is, health and honest occupation, and here they lie open to our hand."

This conversation, as I mentioned, took place a little more than a year ago. I was carried away, as the House of Commons never is, by my Hon. friend's eloquence. We got the garden. We have it now; but I do not trust myself on this page to dwell on the subject.

FEMININE AND A N-UTAH GENDER.—Plurality of wives is abolished in Utah. The husbands seem to have made no difficulty about it, but what have the wives said?

"QUEEN'S WEATHER."—The weather is looking up. It was mentioned in theCourt Circularlast Wednesday week for the first time.

NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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