Cartoon-two frogs smoking.
We are particularly happy in being the first to state that theEarl of Westmoreland, our illustrious ambassador at the Court of Vienna, is busily engaged composing a new March of Intellect for theEmperor of Austria.
This Concert, which has been going on now for several years most harmoniously, is likely to be disturbed by the fact of Russia, who is, really, very clever on the base, wishing to play first-fiddle.
A GROWL FROM THE SCOTTISH LION
It was the auld Scottish Lion,I heard him growlin' sair;"Deil ha'et, gin I pit up wi'Siccan treatment ony mair."Oh, ance my mane was winsome:And oh! but my tail was lang;But on them baith is scorn and scaith,From Southron deeds of wrang!"Now up and ride,Laird Eglinton,That was sae stout in stour,That when it rainit cats and dogs,Aye jousted through the shower."Now, horse! my provosts and baillies,And convener of the Trades,Dean o' Guild, and maister o' Merchants,The auld Lion craves your aids."It's up on your ain middens,My cocks, sae croose to craw,And gar play your Scottish fiddles,And your Scottish bag-pipes blaw."And they hae ta'en and sworn an aith—An aith both strang and true—That for the auld Lion o' ScotlandThey will win back his due."I've a sair, sair pain in my belly,And a sair catch in my breath;Ye'll mind it was English misdoingsThat brocht me to my death."And ye've aye uphauld, sae bluff and bauld,My right my tail to wag,Aboon the pock-puddins' LionUpon the Scottish flag."Ye'll to the Prince Royal o' Scotland—Him the Southrons misca's 'Wales,'And ask him what gars his householdWear breeks aboot their tails?"Why a Scots' prince hasna aboot himScots' men and places got,A' things Scots, but the wages, whilk should bePunds sterlin', and no punds Scot."Say there's a keeper o' the swansWhose office ocht to cease,Or Scotland behoves a keeper too,To keep her Solan geese."There's the maister o' the music,That the music maks ava',For his thousand puns' a yearI trow he were best awa'."Or if no that Scotland ocht to brinkHer music-maister too,Wi' bagpipe and Scotch fiddleWe'll find him wark to do."And they have put down the Scottish mint,Nae money noo mak' we,I trow they hae sent to BrummagemTo coin the Scots' bawbee!"And we hae Parliament Members eneuchOur votes wi' place to buy;There's many a gude job in England,But nae Scots' thumb in the pie."And Holyrood Park is a bonny place,But 'tis nae place for me and you;And the Embro' baillies lets itFor a kailyard oot to feu."And oh, 'tis in geographyWe're driven to the wa'—Till in the map o' EuropeWe're hard to find ava';"And when a Scotsman's to be hung(E'en Scotland rogues will plague)There's nae a Scottish hangman to fitThe noose about his craig."Now, well-a-day, and wae is me,For the days of auld lang syne,When wi' England we had nocht to doSave liftin' o' her kine!"The Lion o' a kingdom smallI trow I'd suner be,Than the Lion of an empire vastWhen there's ither there than me."
It was the auld Scottish Lion,I heard him growlin' sair;"Deil ha'et, gin I pit up wi'Siccan treatment ony mair.
It was the auld Scottish Lion,
I heard him growlin' sair;
"Deil ha'et, gin I pit up wi'
Siccan treatment ony mair.
"Oh, ance my mane was winsome:And oh! but my tail was lang;But on them baith is scorn and scaith,From Southron deeds of wrang!
"Oh, ance my mane was winsome:
And oh! but my tail was lang;
But on them baith is scorn and scaith,
From Southron deeds of wrang!
"Now up and ride,Laird Eglinton,That was sae stout in stour,That when it rainit cats and dogs,Aye jousted through the shower.
"Now up and ride,Laird Eglinton,
That was sae stout in stour,
That when it rainit cats and dogs,
Aye jousted through the shower.
"Now, horse! my provosts and baillies,And convener of the Trades,Dean o' Guild, and maister o' Merchants,The auld Lion craves your aids.
"Now, horse! my provosts and baillies,
And convener of the Trades,
Dean o' Guild, and maister o' Merchants,
The auld Lion craves your aids.
"It's up on your ain middens,My cocks, sae croose to craw,And gar play your Scottish fiddles,And your Scottish bag-pipes blaw.
"It's up on your ain middens,
My cocks, sae croose to craw,
And gar play your Scottish fiddles,
And your Scottish bag-pipes blaw.
"And they hae ta'en and sworn an aith—An aith both strang and true—That for the auld Lion o' ScotlandThey will win back his due.
"And they hae ta'en and sworn an aith—
An aith both strang and true—
That for the auld Lion o' Scotland
They will win back his due.
"I've a sair, sair pain in my belly,And a sair catch in my breath;Ye'll mind it was English misdoingsThat brocht me to my death.
"I've a sair, sair pain in my belly,
And a sair catch in my breath;
Ye'll mind it was English misdoings
That brocht me to my death.
"And ye've aye uphauld, sae bluff and bauld,My right my tail to wag,Aboon the pock-puddins' LionUpon the Scottish flag.
"And ye've aye uphauld, sae bluff and bauld,
My right my tail to wag,
Aboon the pock-puddins' Lion
Upon the Scottish flag.
"Ye'll to the Prince Royal o' Scotland—Him the Southrons misca's 'Wales,'And ask him what gars his householdWear breeks aboot their tails?
"Ye'll to the Prince Royal o' Scotland—
Him the Southrons misca's 'Wales,'
And ask him what gars his household
Wear breeks aboot their tails?
"Why a Scots' prince hasna aboot himScots' men and places got,A' things Scots, but the wages, whilk should bePunds sterlin', and no punds Scot.
"Why a Scots' prince hasna aboot him
Scots' men and places got,
A' things Scots, but the wages, whilk should be
Punds sterlin', and no punds Scot.
"Say there's a keeper o' the swansWhose office ocht to cease,Or Scotland behoves a keeper too,To keep her Solan geese.
"Say there's a keeper o' the swans
Whose office ocht to cease,
Or Scotland behoves a keeper too,
To keep her Solan geese.
"There's the maister o' the music,That the music maks ava',For his thousand puns' a yearI trow he were best awa'.
"There's the maister o' the music,
That the music maks ava',
For his thousand puns' a year
I trow he were best awa'.
"Or if no that Scotland ocht to brinkHer music-maister too,Wi' bagpipe and Scotch fiddleWe'll find him wark to do.
"Or if no that Scotland ocht to brink
Her music-maister too,
Wi' bagpipe and Scotch fiddle
We'll find him wark to do.
"And they have put down the Scottish mint,Nae money noo mak' we,I trow they hae sent to BrummagemTo coin the Scots' bawbee!
"And they have put down the Scottish mint,
Nae money noo mak' we,
I trow they hae sent to Brummagem
To coin the Scots' bawbee!
"And we hae Parliament Members eneuchOur votes wi' place to buy;There's many a gude job in England,But nae Scots' thumb in the pie.
"And we hae Parliament Members eneuch
Our votes wi' place to buy;
There's many a gude job in England,
But nae Scots' thumb in the pie.
"And Holyrood Park is a bonny place,But 'tis nae place for me and you;And the Embro' baillies lets itFor a kailyard oot to feu.
"And Holyrood Park is a bonny place,
But 'tis nae place for me and you;
And the Embro' baillies lets it
For a kailyard oot to feu.
"And oh, 'tis in geographyWe're driven to the wa'—Till in the map o' EuropeWe're hard to find ava';
"And oh, 'tis in geography
We're driven to the wa'—
Till in the map o' Europe
We're hard to find ava';
"And when a Scotsman's to be hung(E'en Scotland rogues will plague)There's nae a Scottish hangman to fitThe noose about his craig.
"And when a Scotsman's to be hung
(E'en Scotland rogues will plague)
There's nae a Scottish hangman to fit
The noose about his craig.
"Now, well-a-day, and wae is me,For the days of auld lang syne,When wi' England we had nocht to doSave liftin' o' her kine!
"Now, well-a-day, and wae is me,
For the days of auld lang syne,
When wi' England we had nocht to do
Save liftin' o' her kine!
"The Lion o' a kingdom smallI trow I'd suner be,Than the Lion of an empire vastWhen there's ither there than me."
"The Lion o' a kingdom small
I trow I'd suner be,
Than the Lion of an empire vast
When there's ither there than me."
It is certainly scandalous that there should be any sale of livings, though, if the practice must exist, we are happy to find that a "good living" may be bought for a sum within the crippled means of a poor clergyman, who has not yet exhausted the whole of his begging and borrowing resources and energies. The annexed advertisement will, we trust, attract the attention of the sons of the clergy who may be induced to confer the "good living" on one of the thousands of poor parsons whom the clergy's sons claim the especial privilege of aiding and comforting. The advertisement is copied literally from theTimesnewspaper.
A GOOD LIVING.—To be SOLD, a new PATENT MANGLE, by Baker, with good business attached, suitable for any industrious person desirous of obtaining a respectable livelihood. Price £12. Apply at, &c.
A GOOD LIVING.—To be SOLD, a new PATENT MANGLE, by Baker, with good business attached, suitable for any industrious person desirous of obtaining a respectable livelihood. Price £12. Apply at, &c.
There is a "good living" to be had for twelve pounds, and it is evidently a much better thing than the average run of small curacies, for it will enable a person to obtain "a respectable livelihood."
We are glad to find that the condition of the poor clergy is at length being looked at in its proper light, and that a good mangle may be advertised as a "good living" so as to catch at once the eye of the clerical class to whom the owner of the mangle has evidently addressed himself. We shall really begin to hope that the wretched condition of the underpaid clergyman is beginning to "take a turn," if we can find in Reverend hands a few mangles with "good livings" attached to them.
London without a Policeman.—There is a threat of all the policemen striking.—We doubt if London will perceive the difference, even supposing that they do.
Of what use is it to read a good book and transgress its rules in the very act?
TheTimeshas a paragraph, stating that two London missionaries, theRev. Messrs. DickinsonandLewis, attempted to read and expound the Scriptures to a crowd in Limerick on Sunday evening; when—
"After a few minutes a mob collected and set upon the Reverend gentlemen, who were severely maltreated. It is computed that 10,000 of thecanailleof Limerick were engaged in hooting, yelling, and throwing stones, where they could with safety to themselves, at the obnoxious clergymen."
"After a few minutes a mob collected and set upon the Reverend gentlemen, who were severely maltreated. It is computed that 10,000 of thecanailleof Limerick were engaged in hooting, yelling, and throwing stones, where they could with safety to themselves, at the obnoxious clergymen."
Oh,Mr. Dickinson! Oh,Mr. Lewis!Punchdoes not quote anything aboveShakspeare; but how could you—Reverend gentlemen—how could you scatter sacred words before the Limerick multitude? Have you not sufficiently studied the volume you were reading from to recollect what it says about pearls and—Limerick multitudes? Well—you have disobeyed the precept—and taken the consequences.
Q.What Member of the present House of Commons has really made himself a new name in the country?
A.The Member for South Essex—who spells his nameSmijth. We have met withSmithsin thousands before, and know a fewSmithes, and have been introduced toSmythsandSmythesby the hundred; but never, in our whole existence, do we recollect having ever met with a singleSmijth! It's grand! How noble the simple introduction of thatjmakes it! But we wonder how the servants pronounce it at an evening party?
CRUELCRUEL."Remember the Steward, Sir, if you Please."
"Remember the Steward, Sir, if you Please."
BY A VERY MILD CABMAN.
BY A VERY MILD CABMAN.
Recalcitration,William, cease,James, we'll return to work in peace.Alas! the struggle to prolongWere useless—would be, therefore, wrong.The Legislature and the Press,Whom Heaven—although they've wronged us—bless!Have triumphed by superior force:Submission now should be our course.And though defeated, after all,Our loss, in fact, will be but small;A slight reduction of our fare,Which our proprietors will bear.Employment will increase, besides;Our friends will take more frequent rides,And that will amply compensateFor payment at a lower rate.Whilst o'er our tongue respect presides,And courtesy our manner guides,Of temperance let us own the sway,And that of cleanliness obey.Of insult or extortion, noneIn terror, then, our cabs will shun;Perhaps ev'n ladies then will dareTo constitute themselves our fare.And oh, divesting our pursuitOf altercation and dispute,How much more pleasantly shall weDiscuss our toast, and sip our tea!
Recalcitration,William, cease,James, we'll return to work in peace.Alas! the struggle to prolongWere useless—would be, therefore, wrong.
Recalcitration,William, cease,
James, we'll return to work in peace.
Alas! the struggle to prolong
Were useless—would be, therefore, wrong.
The Legislature and the Press,Whom Heaven—although they've wronged us—bless!Have triumphed by superior force:Submission now should be our course.
The Legislature and the Press,
Whom Heaven—although they've wronged us—bless!
Have triumphed by superior force:
Submission now should be our course.
And though defeated, after all,Our loss, in fact, will be but small;A slight reduction of our fare,Which our proprietors will bear.
And though defeated, after all,
Our loss, in fact, will be but small;
A slight reduction of our fare,
Which our proprietors will bear.
Employment will increase, besides;Our friends will take more frequent rides,And that will amply compensateFor payment at a lower rate.
Employment will increase, besides;
Our friends will take more frequent rides,
And that will amply compensate
For payment at a lower rate.
Whilst o'er our tongue respect presides,And courtesy our manner guides,Of temperance let us own the sway,And that of cleanliness obey.
Whilst o'er our tongue respect presides,
And courtesy our manner guides,
Of temperance let us own the sway,
And that of cleanliness obey.
Of insult or extortion, noneIn terror, then, our cabs will shun;Perhaps ev'n ladies then will dareTo constitute themselves our fare.
Of insult or extortion, none
In terror, then, our cabs will shun;
Perhaps ev'n ladies then will dare
To constitute themselves our fare.
And oh, divesting our pursuitOf altercation and dispute,How much more pleasantly shall weDiscuss our toast, and sip our tea!
And oh, divesting our pursuit
Of altercation and dispute,
How much more pleasantly shall we
Discuss our toast, and sip our tea!
However much the Whigs may be found fault with for their acts of omission, they are perfectly clear about their acts of Commission, for we believe it is indisputable that they have passed more acts that have saddled the country with Commissions than any other Government.
An unhappy French tailor has been charged, on the evidence of our old friendJoinville, with a conspiracy to assassinate our old enemyLouis Napoleon. The "conspiracy" looks very like an attempt on our gracious Queen, for the unhappy wretch of a tailor wantedHer Majesty'shead on twenty pieces of gold coin, and his design was directed far more upon English sovereigns than upon French Napoleons. Twenty pounds was the price to be charged by the French tailor for making his country free and happy; but, considering that the trade of patriotism is rather at a low ebb just now, we cannot help thinking that the unfortunate humbug placed his services at too high a figure.
Whether the accused really contemplated the murder ofLouis Napoleonis doubtful, thoughMr. Bodkinwas engaged to argue that the tailor designed thequietusof the Emperor with, perhaps, "a bare Bodkin," which, being the instrument of his trade, might have been the intended instrument of his iniquity. Our private opinion of the matter is that the French vagabond, instead of wishing to shed the blood of the present ruler of France, was anxious only to make thePrince de Joinville"bleed" to the tune of twenty sovereigns. Instead of elevating the scamp into a political conspirator, it would be better to treat him at once as a swindler and a would-be obtainer of money under false pretences. There is no greater "mistake" than to assign political motives to a merely mercenary act, and to arraign as a monster, who would have murdered an Emperor, a poor insignificant adventurer who, though utterly hopeless of a "clean shirt," may have aspired to the chance of "a guinea."
You scarcely ever receive change for a sovereign without finding that one of the shillings or sixpences has had a hole drilled through it, which—suggesting a painful doubt as to the exchangeable value of the coin—is altogether a bore. We are glad thatMr. Wilsonhas got leave to bring in a bill to prevent the defacing of theQueen'smoney; and we hope this measure will have the effect of remedying one of the greatest evils of change.
Mr. Public supplicates the Cabman to return to his StandMr. Public supplicates the Cabman to return to his Stand, to charge a Shilling a Mile, and all shall be forgotten![A Picture seen only "in the mind's eye" of Cabby.]
Mr. Public supplicates the Cabman to return to his Stand, to charge a Shilling a Mile, and all shall be forgotten!
[A Picture seen only "in the mind's eye" of Cabby.]
Sunday among the Sewers.—The Sabbatarians want to have nothing stirring on Sunday but stagnation; which is not only not conducive to health, but also tends to engender zymotic diseases.
GHOSTS OF THE SESSIONGHOSTS OF THE SESSIONA SUGGESTION FROM SHAKSPERE'S RICHARD THE THIRD.
A SUGGESTION FROM SHAKSPERE'S RICHARD THE THIRD.
TTHERE has reachedMr. Puncha very good-humoured letter from a Reverend gentleman suggesting to him the expediency of subscribing £10 or £20 towards the endowment of a new church at Kenilworth, in order to show that he,Mr. Punch, is not opposed to the Christian observance of Sunday, which might, the worthy clergyman seems to think, be inferred from his objection to the Jewish observance of it.
THERE has reachedMr. Puncha very good-humoured letter from a Reverend gentleman suggesting to him the expediency of subscribing £10 or £20 towards the endowment of a new church at Kenilworth, in order to show that he,Mr. Punch, is not opposed to the Christian observance of Sunday, which might, the worthy clergyman seems to think, be inferred from his objection to the Jewish observance of it.
The idea of a church at Kenilworth is peculiarly happy. On Sundays it might be a counter-attraction to the Castle. Success to the exertions of the minister that is to preach in it to render it such!
Our clerical correspondent's suggestion is ingenious; it merits attention: it shall be attended to in good time.
IfMr. Punch'sideas—and circulation—were narrow, he might plead that the church at Kenilworth is not in his own parish. But that would be an invalid as well as a sneaking excuse for parsimony. The parish ofPunchis the world.
When all the property appertaining to the Established Church has been so distributed among the clergy as to maintain every one of them, bishops and all, in a style of apostolical competence, and when the whole of the surplus thus created shall have been applied to the endowment of new churches, then, if any more money is wanted for that purpose,Mr. Punchwill be most happy to contribute as much as ever he is able; and his munificence shall, in the very first place, effuse itself upon the new church at Kenilworth.
ReallyJohn Bullmay almost be described as a maniac with lucid intervals. He appears to be always suffering under some form of mania or other. A few years ago it was the Railway Mania—a very dangerous phrenzy. Then from time to time occurs a Poultry Mania, or one of the similar and milder forms of insanity. The mania now prevailing is one which, if not attended to, may perhaps prove troublesome. This is the Striking Mania. Everybody is Striking. The other day it was the cabmen; now it is the Dockyard labourers; the policemen, even, have struck and thrown down their staves. Our mechanics have so far become machines, that, like clocks, as clocks ought to be, they are all striking together.
Should this mania spread, we shall have Striking become what might be called the order, but that it will be the disorder, of the day. The professions will strike; you will send for your lawyer to make your will, and your messenger will return withnon est inventus—struck; or should you ask the legal gentleman a six-and-eightpenny question, you will discover that he has struck for 13s.4d.The physicians and surgeons will strike for two-guinea fees; the apothecaries for ten-shilling mixtures. The clergy will all strike—as indeed some of them, the poor curates, might reasonably do—and pluralists will be demanding forty thousand a year instead of twenty; whilst bishops will hang up the mitre, stick the crosier over the chimney-piece, and hold out against the Ecclesiastical Commissioners for double incomes. In short, almost everybody will strike except the threshers, the smiths, and the pugilists.
With all this striking, though, we had better take care that we are not floored.
Talking about music—and our Honourable Members have been talking a great deal about it lately—a celebrated professor says: "You generally find that persons who are not fond of music play the Flute."
There is a song to which we have alluded before, called "Annie Laurie," being sung at all the Mansion House dinners; and thoughAnnieis the name in common use, there can be no doubt thatPeteris the party whom the ballad is designed to flatter. We have therefore engaged our own Laureate in the graceful task of fixing on the head of theLauriesthe honour which had been conferred onAnnie, by a poet evidently unconscious of the "coming" Alder-"man."
The Mansion House is bonnie when dinners are not few;And it's there thatPeter Lauriegave me his promise true,Gave me his promise true that I his guest should be;And for OldSir Peter LaurieI'd lay me doun and dee.His neckcloth's like the snaw-drift; his frill like down of swan;His watch-chain is the smartest electro e'er shone on,Electro e'er shone on! And green is his coatee;And for OldSir Peter LaurieI'd lay me doun and dee.Like lead on the pavement dropping is the fa' of his heavy feet;And like winds in winter blowing, his voice on the judgment seat,His voice on the judgment seat! And, though he frightens me,For OldSir Peter LaurieI'd lay me doun and dee.
The Mansion House is bonnie when dinners are not few;And it's there thatPeter Lauriegave me his promise true,Gave me his promise true that I his guest should be;And for OldSir Peter LaurieI'd lay me doun and dee.
The Mansion House is bonnie when dinners are not few;
And it's there thatPeter Lauriegave me his promise true,
Gave me his promise true that I his guest should be;
And for OldSir Peter LaurieI'd lay me doun and dee.
His neckcloth's like the snaw-drift; his frill like down of swan;His watch-chain is the smartest electro e'er shone on,Electro e'er shone on! And green is his coatee;And for OldSir Peter LaurieI'd lay me doun and dee.
His neckcloth's like the snaw-drift; his frill like down of swan;
His watch-chain is the smartest electro e'er shone on,
Electro e'er shone on! And green is his coatee;
And for OldSir Peter LaurieI'd lay me doun and dee.
Like lead on the pavement dropping is the fa' of his heavy feet;And like winds in winter blowing, his voice on the judgment seat,His voice on the judgment seat! And, though he frightens me,For OldSir Peter LaurieI'd lay me doun and dee.
Like lead on the pavement dropping is the fa' of his heavy feet;
And like winds in winter blowing, his voice on the judgment seat,
His voice on the judgment seat! And, though he frightens me,
For OldSir Peter LaurieI'd lay me doun and dee.
We paid a visit to the Regent's Park Zoological Gardens the other day, for the purpose of noticing the collection of Mollusca, Zoophytes, &c., and very much regret to find it incomplete.
There are specimens from the German Ocean and the Bristol Channel, but none from the Sees of London, Durham, Rochester, or Salisbury, the rapacity of whose tenants is so well known, that there is no doubt, could their destructive propensities be as clearly seen as those now exhibiting, the very Sees themselves would be drained to stop their depredations.
On inquiring the reason of the absence of so interesting a collection, we were told that although a variety of nets, such as the Ecclesiastical Commission,Whiston'sInquiries, and others, have been tried, they have never succeeded in bringing these very recondite creatures above the surface, for when they perceive their approach to public gaze, they become so alarmed, and struggle so violently, as always to succeed in escaping to their natural shelter among the riches deposited at the bottom of their Sees.
The most rapacious among them is said to be the "Episcopus," as only one of them can be found in a See. This will not cause surprise, for it has been ascertained that £10,000 per annum is devoured by a single specimen. The Episcopus is always attended by a crowd of Rectors, Canons, and Vicars, who are all more or less grabiferous.
These curious animals are said to possess a peculiarity wanting in all other species, that of ubiquity; as they are supposed to be able to be in several places at once.
"Sir,—The papers inform us thatMr. Phillimore, the other night, asked the President of the Board of Control why the returns given in the case of 'Rustomjee ViccajeeandViccajee Pestonjee' were incomplete? That a subject, evidently surrounded with ease, should be attended with difficulty is certainly strange. But I want to know, if you can inform me, who or what 'Rustomjee ViccajeeandViccajee Pestonjee,' aforesaid are? I thought at first that these words were specimens of the 'foul language' used by cabmen and others as complained of byColonel Sibthorpe. Am I right? By the bye, while on the subject of bad words, may I ask (indignantly, as the father of a family) how it is thatProfessor Gregoryand other chemists are not restrained from circulating such words as the following: Methylethylamylophenylium, Ethylopropylamylamine, Methylethylamylophenylammonium; 76 letters in three words—my hand aches with writing them. To be sure, as a set-off, these professors sometimes give us something more euphonious; 'Margarate of Glycerine' sounds like the title of a novel, but then whoever heard of 'Glycerine?' Where is it? What did Margarate there, and is she a descendant ofMargaret of Anjou? I trust that you will be able to give me some information, or, at any rate, give your assistance in the cause of monosyllabic simplicity.
"Buzfuz."
"P.S. 'What's in a name?' is a question that has been often asked. I find that 'Margarate of Glycerine' is not so pretty as her name—she'sFat."
"Dear Mr. Punch,
"I appeal to you in a case of difficulty, and trust that my familiarity will not beget your contempt. My name isBrown: not an uncommon surname, perhaps, but I am distinguished by my Christian name ofPeterloo. My eldest lad is called after me, and it is in his behalf,Mr. Punch, that I crave your advice. He is at present an Etonboy, but he will soon be ready to be an Oxfordman, and I am now looking forward to his matriculation. You are, doubtless, Sir, aware that every one who goes through that form has to subscribe to certain oaths and conditions, before he can be admitted to the privileges of the University. I myself never had the benefit of a University education, but I am well aware how it helps a man to gain a position in society—a position which my rapid rise to fortune has only in part secured to me; for there are,Mr. Punch, aristocrats by birth, who turn up their noses at us aristocrats by wealth, and yet will stoop to—— however, to return to my son. I am determined thatheshall not want for advantages; but, as I have a certain sort of squeamishness about a person taking oaths that he does not know the meaning of, and swearing to observe statutes of whose nature he is unaware, I sent to Oxford for a copy of the University Statutes, that I might run my eye over them, and see what were the laws that governed the noble, the great, the famous, the—in short, the enlightened place, the University of Oxford. The book is now before me:—'Parecbolæ sive Excerpta e corpore Statutorum Universitatis Oxoniensis:' and a copy is, I believe, presented to every undergraduate at his matriculation, that he may be fully aware of the laws that he has sworn to obey. The Statutes I find to be written in a Latin form—I cannot say, in adeadlanguage, for it is of a kind very much resembling the living, and of that description vulgarly termed 'Dog' Latin; so that I, who never got further thanEutropius, and whose acquaintance with the language has become rusty from want of use, can easily make out a translation of the sentences. I find that my son will have to sign the Thirty-nine Articles, which, I dare say, is all very proper; take the Oath of Allegiance, which is quite right; and also, the Oath of Supremacy, in which he will have to say, that he,Peterloo Brown, does, 'from his heart, abhor, detest, and abjure, as impious and heretical, that damnable doctrine and position that Princes, excommunicated or deprived by thePope, or any authority of the See of Rome, may be deposed or murdered by their subjects, or any other whatsoever.' Now, although I may be secretly of opinion that my lad might as well swear to any Bosh, as all this about the excommunicate Princes, yet I pass this over, and proceed to the Statutes themselves.
Nobody shall Wear any other Clothes than those of a Black or Subfusk Hue.Nobody shall Wear any other Clothes than those of a Black or Subfusk Hue.
Nobody shall Wear any other Clothes than those of a Black or Subfusk Hue.
"I find that a great part of the book is about the keeping of terms; the granting of various kinds of degrees, of congregations, convocations, dispensations, and all that sort of thing; and I then come—under the head 'Tit.XIV.De Vestitu et Habitu Scholastico'—to the Statutes that more immediately concern my sonPeterloo. And this is the result of my search.
"I find that nobody, unless he is a Peer's son—(who may do what he likes, for you will find,Mr. Punch, that it is one of the great beauties of our University system, that it allows no distinction of persons, but puts the sons of the ignoble and the noble on equal terms; but I am digressing!)—I find 'Statutum est,' that 'Nobody shall wear any other clothes than those of a black, or "subfusk" colour' (coloris nigri aut subfusci), 'or imitate (in their dress) what is extravagant or fast:' (that seems to be the meaning of the words 'fastum aut luxum;' but, as I said before, my Latin is rather rusty). Now, since this is the rule, I would ask how it is,Mr. Punch, that youngBellingham Grey(my neighbour's son) should, at the end of every term, bring home from Christ Church (where by the way, he is ruining his father, but that is no affair ofmine!) suits of clothes of every colourbutblack or 'subfusk' (not that I exactly know what colour that may be), and remarkable solely for their extravagance and 'fast-ness?' I want my lad to dress like a gentleman, but I don't always want to see him putting in an appearance like an undertaker, or counter-skipper, or like the man in the play (is itHamlet? though, probably,Othello?) continually clothed in 'an inky suit of black.' And, if he swears to observe such a Statute as the above, why,of course, the authorities will see that he obeys it, and dresses accordingly.
"It is next ordered, that 'Nobody shall follow that absurd and proud custom of walking in boots in public.' (Insuper, ab absurdo illo et fastuoso publice in ocreis ambulandi more, abstinere compellantur.I give you the very words,Mr. Punch, lest you should not believe me.) Now, where on earth is the harm of my lad wearing Wellingtons? But I suppose that every one in Oxford (I do not know the place) wears the 'Oxford Shoes,' and that this Statute has been inserted to keep up what is, doubtless, the staple trade of the city. For,of course, the Statute is observed, or they would not make the students swear to obey it.
Nobody shall follow that Absurd and Proud Custom of walking in Boots in Public.Nobody shall follow that Absurd and Proud Custom of walking in Boots in Public.
Nobody shall follow that Absurd and Proud Custom of walking in Boots in Public.
"'Statutum est' also, that 'Nobody shall wear the hair long or in curls (in capillitio modus est, nec concinnos, aut comam nimis promissam alant). Now, Sir, my sonPeterloohas been favoured by Nature with a particularly curly head of hair. I wish to ask you, Do you think that this misfortune, which it is evident can be from no fault of his own, will shut him out from all the privileges of the University? It is a momentous question for a father to make, and one which may interest the bosom friend of the present Chancellor—I meanMr.—I beg his pardon,Dr. Disraeli. One thing is plain: that the advertisements of 'Do you want luxurious hair?' can be of no use in Oxford, and that bears'-grease must be at a discount. And if my sonPeterlooshould fail to observe any of the above Statutes touching his personal appearance, or the giving himself airs, he will, when he is a graduate, have to pay 6s.8d.for each offence (pœna6s.et8d.plectatur, toties quoties), and while he is an undergraduate he will, for such offences, have to suffer corporal punishment (pœna corporali). Good gracious,Mr. Punch, I have read that the greatNewtonwas horsed when he was a Cambridge undergraduate; but I thought that such a degrading custom was either confined to that University, or had passed away with the dark ages, and oil-lamps, and Protection, and all that sort of thing. Does not Oxford—the Mother of Science, and (for what I know) the Aunt of Literature, and the Grandmother of the Arts—does not Oxford, I repeat, keep up with the progressive enlightenment of the age? I almost repent that I have enteredPeterloothere (at St. Vitus' College), and I tremble to think of the effect that corporal punishment, will have on him when he is become aman. As an Eton boy it (perhaps) does him good; but as a man! I thought such disgrace only attached to the army. For,of course, the corporal punishment cannot be inflictedonlyin the Statutes.
Nobody shall wear the hair Long or in Curls.Nobody shall wear the hair Long or in Curls.
Nobody shall wear the hair Long or in Curls.
"I then find that it is 'Statutum est,' that if any one should happen to introduce a new and unwonted style of dress, that the Vice-Chancellor and the Heads of the Colleges and Halls shall thereupon hold deliberation and give their opinion; and that the Vice-Chancellor shall then forbid the cutters-out and the tailors, making these kind ofgarments (Deinde, Vice-Cancellarius scissoribus sive sartoribus vestiariis hujusmodi vestes conficiendi potestate interdicat); and that the Heads shall prohibit their scholars from wearing them; but that if the young men, with a morbid pertinacity (morbi pertinacia), persist in clothing themselves in the aforesaid garments, the Vice-Chancellor shall, after three monitions, expel them.
"The motherly care shown by Alma Mater that her sons should not fall into scrapes by making Guys of themselves, is here very strongly evidenced; and I think it would be a profitable subject for inquiry, ifMr. Humewould move for a return of the number of times that the Vice-Chancellor and the Heads of Houses have met, in accordance with the above Statute.
"The remainder ofTit.XIV is taken up with the cut of the gowns, &c., but is as unlike a ladylike page ofLe Follet(whichMrs. Browntakes in) as anything can be.
"The Statutes demanding attention inTit.XV. are so numerous that I will trouble you with them in another letter; but they are so amusing that they will repay perusal, and your opinion upon them will not only be highly valued by, but of the greatest use, to
"DearMr. Punch,"Your constant reader,
"Peterloo Brown."
Ripeforajailfor an income is burning,Ripeforajailhas no taste for clod-turning,Ripeforajailhas no funds for gin-spinning,YetRipeforajailhas "Green" gold for the winning;Come lend a kind ear to a betting muff's tale,While he tells you the craft of boldRipeforajail.TheEarl of Barepurse, o'er Newmarket doth ride,And views his colt win in the very last stride,Long odds for his net, and the Ring for his game,Short whist for the wild, and the dice for the tame;But theTattersallgudgeons, andCrockpigeons pale,Are less free toEarl BarepursethanRipeforajail.Ripeforajail, when his carcase was light,Used to sweat and to curry a thoroughbred bright,And when "grown overweight" the Kents turned him abroad.To pick winners, in print he each week pledged his word;Gents who love "the blue ribbon," and sport the blue veil,Became quite confidential withRipeforajail.Ripeforajailto distinction is come,He's no longer a tout, but he owns a flash home;A fig forThe Davisand 'cuteHarry Hill!They might lay the long odds, he lays longer odds still,A baize board and counter, and weeds very stale,Are the sole stock in trade of boldRipeforajail.TheCockburnwas steel, and theBethelwas stone,AndPalmerstonwarned him he soon must be gone;Fierce and loud this last week was the curse and the cryOf his victims when shutters alone met the eye;With their Goodwood deposits he gave them leg-bail,And a cove at Boulogne looks likeRipeforajail.
Ripeforajailfor an income is burning,Ripeforajailhas no taste for clod-turning,Ripeforajailhas no funds for gin-spinning,YetRipeforajailhas "Green" gold for the winning;Come lend a kind ear to a betting muff's tale,While he tells you the craft of boldRipeforajail.
Ripeforajailfor an income is burning,
Ripeforajailhas no taste for clod-turning,
Ripeforajailhas no funds for gin-spinning,
YetRipeforajailhas "Green" gold for the winning;
Come lend a kind ear to a betting muff's tale,
While he tells you the craft of boldRipeforajail.
TheEarl of Barepurse, o'er Newmarket doth ride,And views his colt win in the very last stride,Long odds for his net, and the Ring for his game,Short whist for the wild, and the dice for the tame;But theTattersallgudgeons, andCrockpigeons pale,Are less free toEarl BarepursethanRipeforajail.
TheEarl of Barepurse, o'er Newmarket doth ride,
And views his colt win in the very last stride,
Long odds for his net, and the Ring for his game,
Short whist for the wild, and the dice for the tame;
But theTattersallgudgeons, andCrockpigeons pale,
Are less free toEarl BarepursethanRipeforajail.
Ripeforajail, when his carcase was light,Used to sweat and to curry a thoroughbred bright,And when "grown overweight" the Kents turned him abroad.To pick winners, in print he each week pledged his word;Gents who love "the blue ribbon," and sport the blue veil,Became quite confidential withRipeforajail.
Ripeforajail, when his carcase was light,
Used to sweat and to curry a thoroughbred bright,
And when "grown overweight" the Kents turned him abroad.
To pick winners, in print he each week pledged his word;
Gents who love "the blue ribbon," and sport the blue veil,
Became quite confidential withRipeforajail.
Ripeforajailto distinction is come,He's no longer a tout, but he owns a flash home;A fig forThe Davisand 'cuteHarry Hill!They might lay the long odds, he lays longer odds still,A baize board and counter, and weeds very stale,Are the sole stock in trade of boldRipeforajail.
Ripeforajailto distinction is come,
He's no longer a tout, but he owns a flash home;
A fig forThe Davisand 'cuteHarry Hill!
They might lay the long odds, he lays longer odds still,
A baize board and counter, and weeds very stale,
Are the sole stock in trade of boldRipeforajail.
TheCockburnwas steel, and theBethelwas stone,AndPalmerstonwarned him he soon must be gone;Fierce and loud this last week was the curse and the cryOf his victims when shutters alone met the eye;With their Goodwood deposits he gave them leg-bail,And a cove at Boulogne looks likeRipeforajail.
TheCockburnwas steel, and theBethelwas stone,
AndPalmerstonwarned him he soon must be gone;
Fierce and loud this last week was the curse and the cry
Of his victims when shutters alone met the eye;
With their Goodwood deposits he gave them leg-bail,
And a cove at Boulogne looks likeRipeforajail.
The subjoined advertisement relates to an exhibition, which is, perhaps, somewhat interesting, and which might be rendered very much so:—
DIORAMA OF CHRISTIAN MISSIONS, 32, Sloane Street, will continue open for a short time. Parents will find this a truly Christian exhibition for their children. Tahiti—New Zealand—The Maori—Island of Tanna—Death of Captain Cook—First Missionary House at Tahiti—Cape Coast Castle—Banyan Tree—Ashanti—Missionary Tombs—The Dungeon, and Rose Madiai.
DIORAMA OF CHRISTIAN MISSIONS, 32, Sloane Street, will continue open for a short time. Parents will find this a truly Christian exhibition for their children. Tahiti—New Zealand—The Maori—Island of Tanna—Death of Captain Cook—First Missionary House at Tahiti—Cape Coast Castle—Banyan Tree—Ashanti—Missionary Tombs—The Dungeon, and Rose Madiai.
What this exhibition wants, in order that it may enlist the sympathies of those who are the most earnest promoters of Missionary enterprise, is the addition of a few views of certain savage and heathen regions, the conversion and civilisation of whose inhabitants are more particularly important to the British public. The New Cut, Ratcliff Highway, Houndsditch, Whitechapel, and the slums of Westminster, afford fields for the operation of preachers and philanthropists as extensive, as remarkable, and as unknown as the Polynesian Archipelago or the Cannibal Islands.
Dietetic Rule of Conduct—Never ask a favour of a man until he has had his dinner.
Dietetic Rule of Conduct—Never ask a favour of a man until he has had his dinner.
A PHOTOGRAPHIC PICTURE.A PHOTOGRAPHIC PICTURE.Old Lady (who is not used to these new-fangled notions). "Oh, Sir! Please, Sir! don't, Sir! Don't for goodness sake Fire, Sir!"
Old Lady (who is not used to these new-fangled notions). "Oh, Sir! Please, Sir! don't, Sir! Don't for goodness sake Fire, Sir!"
We think that the question of "What is a Mile?"—a question which promises to swallow up in interest the Eastern Question, and all other questions which as yet remain unanswered—should be settled as soon as possible; for, until it is settled, we shall never be able to arrive at a proper settlement of the Cab fares. This settlement is due—not only to the persons who ride in cabs—but to those who drive them, for there are so many varieties of a mile, and so many different ways of measuring it, that it is impossible to say which is the right one. For instance—
If a young lady walks round the corner of the street in which she lives, she comes home quite fatigued, and "is sure she has walked more than a mile."
If a husband is dragged—a little against his will—to a certain street where there happens to be a bonnet shop, though it is not more than twenty yards, he is morally certain "he has been taken a mile out of his way, if he has been taken an inch."
It is curious the number of miles a mother-in-law has walked when she feels desirous, poor creature, of having a cab.
Besides, miles vary so much. A mistress's mile is generally very different to a servant's—a master's to a clerk's. Auctioneers' miles are proverbially very short ones when they are describing a property as being not more than "an omnibus distance from town," or when they are enlarging upon the merits of a Villa that is "only an easy drive from a railway station." Travellers' miles, on the contrary, are generally very long ones. You will hear a delicate young man, who has just returned from a pedestrian tour, boast of having walked his "two thousand miles," just as if he had trailed a pedometer behind him, and had measured every inch of the road. Panoramas also, have a very elastic method of stretching out a mile, which cab-drivers would doubtlessly not object to adopt as their own particular standard of measurement. They talk very glibly of being "three miles long," whereas, if the distance came to be measured, it would probably turn out to be—like cabmen's distances generally—not more than half. There is another deficiency, too, that frequently occurs with the mileage question. We have known a distance, that when a party first went over it, was only four or five miles, become suddenly increased to eight or ten at least, when the same party—especially if a dinner party—had to go over it again on their way back. This difficulty has been felt so strongly at times, that every one of the party has preferred—at that late hour—stopping where he was, instead of walking home all that distance. These unnecessary difficulties imperatively call for a speedy answer to the puzzling question, "What is a Mile?" for hitherto the question has been passed over by our Police magistrates, from one parish to another, like a pauper, for the want of a settlement.
ACCORDING TO ACT OF PARLIAMENTACCORDING TO ACT OF PARLIAMENT.Lady. "Your fare's Sixpence, I think? Please to knock at the door."Cabby. "Not if I knows it, Marm.—The Hact 'bleeges me to take Sixpence a Mile, but it don't 'bleege me to knock at a door."
Lady. "Your fare's Sixpence, I think? Please to knock at the door."
Cabby. "Not if I knows it, Marm.—The Hact 'bleeges me to take Sixpence a Mile, but it don't 'bleege me to knock at a door."
Vy, here's a pretty time o 'day! a precious hact indeed!I'm blest if, since I tuk the vip, the like I ever seed.The ould hacts they vos dreadful bad, and cut us all to bits;For justice from just-asses a poor Cabman never gits:Though he may do the thing vot's fair, the fare the thing vot's shabby,It's all the same; the ugly beak is allus down on Cabby.But look at this 'ere hact: my eye! there's fine and pris'n, too!I vonder vot the Parleyment is going next to do.Just s'pose a fare should leave a purse or pocket-book behind,And s'pose, ven I gits to my stand, the book or purse I find;It isn't mine, it's werry true, but I don't know it's his'n;And there comes claws eleven, and claws a 'onest man to pris'n!Then see the "rates" in Sheddle A, vy vot a shame it isTo drag two fat uns near a mile, and only git a tiz!Now s'pose a twelve-stun fare comes up and takes me off the rank,And makes me drive him, pretty sharp, from Smiffield to the Bank;I civ'lly axes eighteenpence, and cheap, too, for the job—He sticks into me claws seventeen, and fines me forty bob!Ve're chaffed and jeered by every cove, by slaveys on a bus;Our werry watermen are now our masters top of us.A po-lice chap may poke his dirty mug into my cab,And, if he says it isn't clean, my license he may grab;And arterwards, if I but "use" my own cab, I must pay,Says claws the third, a penalty of sixty bob a day!!!Vy, haven't Cabmen feelings? Then vot right 'ave you to gash em?They aren't 'osses, vich, we know, all likes us for to lash em.If we are druv about all day from this to t'other station,Our fares screw'd down to sich a pint as 's werry near starwation,Our parson'l liberty consarned, and bilked of all our priggings,I'm blowed if I don't drop the reins and bolt off to the diggings.
Vy, here's a pretty time o 'day! a precious hact indeed!I'm blest if, since I tuk the vip, the like I ever seed.The ould hacts they vos dreadful bad, and cut us all to bits;For justice from just-asses a poor Cabman never gits:Though he may do the thing vot's fair, the fare the thing vot's shabby,It's all the same; the ugly beak is allus down on Cabby.
Vy, here's a pretty time o 'day! a precious hact indeed!
I'm blest if, since I tuk the vip, the like I ever seed.
The ould hacts they vos dreadful bad, and cut us all to bits;
For justice from just-asses a poor Cabman never gits:
Though he may do the thing vot's fair, the fare the thing vot's shabby,
It's all the same; the ugly beak is allus down on Cabby.
But look at this 'ere hact: my eye! there's fine and pris'n, too!I vonder vot the Parleyment is going next to do.Just s'pose a fare should leave a purse or pocket-book behind,And s'pose, ven I gits to my stand, the book or purse I find;It isn't mine, it's werry true, but I don't know it's his'n;And there comes claws eleven, and claws a 'onest man to pris'n!
But look at this 'ere hact: my eye! there's fine and pris'n, too!
I vonder vot the Parleyment is going next to do.
Just s'pose a fare should leave a purse or pocket-book behind,
And s'pose, ven I gits to my stand, the book or purse I find;
It isn't mine, it's werry true, but I don't know it's his'n;
And there comes claws eleven, and claws a 'onest man to pris'n!
Then see the "rates" in Sheddle A, vy vot a shame it isTo drag two fat uns near a mile, and only git a tiz!Now s'pose a twelve-stun fare comes up and takes me off the rank,And makes me drive him, pretty sharp, from Smiffield to the Bank;I civ'lly axes eighteenpence, and cheap, too, for the job—He sticks into me claws seventeen, and fines me forty bob!
Then see the "rates" in Sheddle A, vy vot a shame it is
To drag two fat uns near a mile, and only git a tiz!
Now s'pose a twelve-stun fare comes up and takes me off the rank,
And makes me drive him, pretty sharp, from Smiffield to the Bank;
I civ'lly axes eighteenpence, and cheap, too, for the job—
He sticks into me claws seventeen, and fines me forty bob!
Ve're chaffed and jeered by every cove, by slaveys on a bus;Our werry watermen are now our masters top of us.A po-lice chap may poke his dirty mug into my cab,And, if he says it isn't clean, my license he may grab;And arterwards, if I but "use" my own cab, I must pay,Says claws the third, a penalty of sixty bob a day!!!
Ve're chaffed and jeered by every cove, by slaveys on a bus;
Our werry watermen are now our masters top of us.
A po-lice chap may poke his dirty mug into my cab,
And, if he says it isn't clean, my license he may grab;
And arterwards, if I but "use" my own cab, I must pay,
Says claws the third, a penalty of sixty bob a day!!!
Vy, haven't Cabmen feelings? Then vot right 'ave you to gash em?They aren't 'osses, vich, we know, all likes us for to lash em.If we are druv about all day from this to t'other station,Our fares screw'd down to sich a pint as 's werry near starwation,Our parson'l liberty consarned, and bilked of all our priggings,I'm blowed if I don't drop the reins and bolt off to the diggings.
Vy, haven't Cabmen feelings? Then vot right 'ave you to gash em?
They aren't 'osses, vich, we know, all likes us for to lash em.
If we are druv about all day from this to t'other station,
Our fares screw'd down to sich a pint as 's werry near starwation,
Our parson'l liberty consarned, and bilked of all our priggings,
I'm blowed if I don't drop the reins and bolt off to the diggings.
The honourable and gallant Member for Lincoln has reason for complaining that there is no prospect of the outlay upon the New Houses of Parliament being finished. The outlay will not be finished before the Houses are—Victoria Tower and all; and when we see what progress is being made with the Crystal Palace at Sydenham, we cannot but think how desirable it is that those edifices, and, indeed, the whole Parliamentary concern should have been got up by a Houses of Parliament Company. If that had been the case, the edifices would not only have been long since lighted, ventilated, and decorated, but the thing would now be a paying property. Such it might easily have been rendered by making the galleries larger, and admitting the public at so much a head—say playhouse prices—which crowded audiences doubtless would be willing to give, in order to hear the spouting. Besides, the Members might have been required to pay for their seats, and the revelations that have taken place this session before the Election Committees afford sufficient assurance that they would have done that handsomely.
We suppose that the principal objection of the Irish priesthood to theArchbishop of Dublin'sChristian Evidencesas a national school-book, is, that if the pupils were allowed to have the truth of Christianity proved to them, they would also want proof of everything else that their Reverences tell them to believe.
Light your cigarfirst, and, after you have taken one or two whiffs, turn round, and inquire, most politely, "If smoking is disagreeable to any one present?"